nathanaelw

[nathanaelw]

3-4yr olds (twice as much)

for every minute you’re teaching themyou need twoof togethering play for every time they look up at youor come and find youyou need twowhere you saw and found them first for every project you make them doyou need twoinvented on their own and when all eleven voicesare begging for attentionyou need twenty two separate timesyou gave them your attention first whatever you ask of themtwice as…

[nathanaelw]

i hope they criticize mefor being too kind on myselfi hope they hate mefor seeing too much from their enemies eyesbut most of all i hopesome part of them someday noticeshow completely i hoped to included as much of their needsas mineand everyone else’s at the end of the day though, i know,something can be true without anyone ever seeing it

[nathanaelw]

The Corkboard in the Church Kitchen

PREPARATION 4 TRAYS FOR JUICE AND BREAD Crackers in cabinet by window as is extra juice      Put about 20 to 25 crackers per tray      If we have the gluten free 2 go in center           Of each tray There is a gadget that is used to fill the juice      And fill at least up to ring of the silver tray The glass vase is filled about 1/2 full Refrigerator has the bread to go on plate. (if…

[nathanaelw]

I wondered about finally not being able to second guessthe feeling just off the ledgenot waiting half hoping to be talked off ityou’ve leaptno change of thought or mind could change it yet I should never jump out a planeit’d be a flip of a coin if I decide to pull the chute or notcould all depend if I’ve had a good day or badcould all depend on who I think I’ll see next that’s the trouble with…

[nathanaelw]

does my body know

why am I in so much painmy body achesdoes my body knowwhat my hearts been through? I want an algorithm to make me into a sonnetI want to be pretty but my mind and my words I think are ruined my esophagus keeps closingit is hard to breatheit is hard to breatheand my esophagus is closing it’s like my body wants me to shut the hell upbut my fingers find other waysto say my peaceand ruin things I…

[nathanaelw]

why is it so painful to watch children grow?

as you growI grow the two will never meetas you growI grow into more of you & out of present methe two will never meet

[nathanaelw]

oh that was before the end

oh that was before the enda whirl dies downmy family and them at some eventsome picture I’m not inI can’t recall the final time& dates lend me nothingforeverI saideternity in my heart I meantI heard GOD’s present moment is bigso big my past and future fit in itI hate GODorI hate being GODI hate having back the present moments I passedI cannot know whoever they are nowI hate how when I am GOD I…

[nathanaelw]

i don’t like that i was married and now i’m noti don’t like that i told someone forever and couldn’t keep the promisei could have taken a vow of celibacylike a saint or somethingi could have worn that face forever& crossed my fingers to be admired the person i was wouldn’t like the person i’m becomingbut he almost never hasi don’t know if i’m supposed to honor himor if he’s supposed to honor…

[nathanaelw]

it is the concrete we made

the flower at sevenis dry by eleven& no fearthey pick anotherfor mother i don’t think humans were madeto walk single file they reach for flowersthey run and tripit is the concrete we madethat scrapes their knees i don’t think humans were madeto walk single file

[nathanaelw]

i have this reoccurring dreamthat judah is still alive and all of usin his inner circle of friendsknow well he is alive and we try to respect his decision to fake his own deathand then, in the dream, i find out he really has diedmaybe a car accident or something usualor i run into him in a grocery store or somethingand he nervously says hi and gives me the deepest and most sincere stare i’ve seen…

[nathanaelw]

it never occurred to me as a childthat I could even hope for life to be enjoyableI was primed(accidentally groomed, one might say)to hate being aliveto think that the only thing really worth beingis dead & with jesus after it& in heaven wherebeing alive might actually be nice it rarely occurs to me, even now,that the greatest service I could do for GODis… well I guess I’m not sure I just…I’m…

[nathanaelw]

his name on the leasewhere she takes me inshe takes the same stepsto get to it i’m guessing my keysused to be his and even in my bedhis name slips she wishesshe never… though his name on the lease& their anniversary is the wi-fi passwordand she wants to move to Portlandand she wonders why she hates it herewhere I am & I watched his name renewon their anniversaryon the new leasein the…

[nathanaelw]

historical now

do you feel haunted?can you forgivewhen you noticehow unlikely it isthat anything we currently believeis correct are you petrified?can you feelfree of dreaming of knowing anything i know we are primitiveto eight thousand years from now& on our evolutionary scalethat might as well be the sametime as meeven existing what would it meanto enjoy living& noticingyou, like me, are every living thing

[nathanaelw]

wednesday

@paigers_21 Very light and wet rumblebetween me and the earthand on which side is GOD?Am I nearer ordo all GOD’s lovers draw GOD in? I could see things I thinkin a frame out a window — surebut it is Wednesday andGOD like the earthobscures the viewof the beginning and the endof the parts of the week I care most for. I bet the clouds crunchso goddamn loudto force a hundred people through the…

[nathanaelw]

not life so

why is it that i can no longer enjoy anythingwhen i’m not sureif you love me? why is not life so abundant on the earththat i could wake and sleep and wake and sleepand still not enjoy a lick of it? sometimes i don’t hear from people againand sometimes it’s because they diedand sometimes it’s not because they died why is it that i can no longer enjoy anything againi was so surei would not ever…

[nathanaelw]

*some people i love are dead*

some people i love are deadi recalljust when i begin to hate my experiencemy experience of lethargyof apathyof a cold cool depressive statewhere i look through all of my belongingsand find nothing as some people i love are deadso for themthere is no experiencenone at all to wish they were not havingnone to long for none even to recallfor me, at least, i thinki prefer this to thati would rather…

[nathanaelw]

on poems and writing poetry

i was told that poems do not have to be any good i haven't written a good one ever since