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Letting it pass through: Learning the rhythm of emotional time

There’s a phrase I’ve heard many times - “let the feelings pass through you” - and it always struck me as slightly abstract, almost like spiritual advice dressed in therapeutic clothing. But only recently have I come to understand what it might actually mean.

It’s not about denial. It’s not even about control. It’s about time.

Over the past month, I’ve been moving through waves of difficult emotion - grief, confusion, anger, hurt. Each one sharp in its own way, demanding attention, sometimes even demanding action: send the message, say the thing, explain, withdraw, clarify, repair. Sometimes these feelings come like marching orders, urgent and insistent. And sometimes they pass. Not always. But often.

What I’ve begun to see is that this phrase - “let it pass through you” -is less about flow than it is about delay. Or perhaps more precisely, about dignifying your own emotional process with enough space to let it settle. Because so often, the intensity of a feeling in the moment is real but not permanent. The version of ourselves that wants to act on that feeling may not be the same version of ourselves a few hours - or even a few days - later.

This is not an argument for silence. Nor is it a call to bottle things up. There are moments when action must be taken, when naming a feeling or making a decision is the only path through. But there are also moments when we are simply in the churn—when something is emerging, not yet formed. And acting too quickly, too publicly, can crystallise something that might otherwise have shifted into something softer, something more whole.

I think this is especially true in relationships - polyamorous or otherwise - where emotional transparency is often treated as an unquestioned good. But transparency without timing can be its own form of harm. There’s a difference between withholding and waiting. Between being dishonest and being in process.

I’ve noticed that my most destabilising moments often come not from the emotion itself, but from the pressure to do something with it right away. As if feeling deeply must always be paired with expression. But what if that isn’t true? What if the bravest thing we can do, sometimes, is to feel something and not act on it yet? To breathe with it. To wait.

Because what I’m finding is this: some feelings are visitors. They arrive, they speak, and then they go. Others unpack a suitcase and move in. Part of the work is learning to tell the difference.

And that’s what I think “letting it pass through” might really mean. Not pushing it away. Not denying its presence. But allowing it enough time to show you what kind of feeling it is. Visitor or tenant. Signal or storm. Pain that wants to be spoken, or pain that just wants to be witnessed.

This learning is slow. But I am trying to honour it.

And I suppose I’m writing this here not because it’s unique to polyamory, but because it’s magnified by it. In a life with multiple relational ties, each with its own weather, its own timelines, its own emotional ecology, this kind of pacing becomes not just useful, but necessary.

So: if you're feeling overwhelmed, or urgent, or like something inside you needs to burst -I hear you, but maybe - just maybe - you don’t have to act on it today.

Maybe today you just let it move through.

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A Manifesto for Personal Growth

This is not a programme. It is not a promise. It is not a plan for optimisation. It is a declaration of values and questions, a compass rather than a map. Growth, here, is not about self-improvement but about self-encounter. It is not the pursuit of mastery but the practice of attention. Not a linear progression, but an ecology of becoming.

Growth in this context is physical, emotional, cognitive, and ethical. It asks something of the whole self and gives something back: not answers, but alignment. The reflections that follow do not speak in certainties but in invitations. They reach toward coherence rather than perfection, toward integration rather than completion.

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1. Growth is not ascent. It is unfolding.

Change arrives quietly, like soil softening underfoot or light thickening before dawn. It need not be visible to be real. Often, growth happens beneath narrative, in the root space of being. It is not something we conquer—it’s what emerges when we stop trying to be exceptional and allow ourselves to be connected. Even when nothing appears to move, deep shifts may be taking place.

2. Surprise is evidence of aliveness.

To be surprised by oneself is to remember that the story is not over. Surprise is not disruption but wonder—a sign that imagination still lives close by. Identity is not fixed. Change is possible. And that possibility is sacred.

3. Orientation is not judgment.

Words like mindset can grow heavy with misuse. But beneath them lies a truth: our way of facing the world—our openness to learning, to being touched—shapes our experience. Orientation is not about finding the “correct” attitude, but about cultivating presence, responsiveness, and the subtle shifts that keep us human in overwhelming times.

4. Resistance is relationship.

Avoidance is not failure. Procrastination is not weakness. These are gestures of protection—ways the body remembers. The invitation is not to overpower resistance, but to listen to it. When treated with care, resistance can become a guide: leading us toward what needs tending, not erasure.

5. The self is not a project.

There is nothing to perfect. We are not software to be optimised. The self is not a problem to solve, but a mystery to witness. Growth is not about becoming more consistent, but more coherent. Even our contradictions carry meaning.

6. There is agency even in the drift.

Life does not always unfold according to plan. Some changes are chosen; others arrive like weather. Still, small acts of intention matter: a breath before reacting, a moment of softness, a beginning without fanfare. Agency is not about control—it is about responsiveness.

7. Grief is not a detour. It is the path.

Change asks us to let go. Identities, defences, old rhythms. Grief is not a pause on the way to growth—it is growth. It is how we make space for what might come next. To grieve is to imagine ethically, to release and remain open.

8. Integrity is more vital than improvement.

The question is not always “How can I be better?” but “What would it mean to live in alignment with what I know to be true?” Growth oriented toward integrity honours pause, retreat, and repair. It doesn’t measure success in progress, but in coherence.

9. Attention is transformative.

What we notice shapes what is possible. Attention is an ethic, not just a faculty. To attend—gently, without rush or agenda—is one of the most radical acts we can offer ourselves and others. Attention holds space for contradiction, for emergence, for quiet transformation.

10. This is a loving inquiry.

There is no conclusion here. No arrival. Growth is ongoingness. It is the practice of staying in dialogue—with ourselves, with our questions, with the lives we are living. This inquiry does not fix. It relates. It holds. It invites.

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Connectedness is a biological imperative - Deb Dana

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The Ethics of Attention: How we shape each other through presence and absence

Somewhere in the space between listening and ignoring, between noticing and overlooking, lies the foundation of our ethics.

We shape one another through the quality of our attention. The way we see, the way we listen, the way we make space (or fail to) changes the people around us, changes the moments we inhabit, changes what is possible between us.

> “Attention is not just another ‘cognitive function’: it is… the disposition adopted by one’s consciousness towards the world. Absent, present, detached, engaged, alienated, empathic, broad or narrow, sustained or piecemeal, it therefore has the power to alter whatever it meets. Since our consciousness plays some part in what comes into being, the play of attention can both create and destroy, but it never leaves its object unchanged. So how you attend to something—or don’t attend to it—matters a very great deal.”

— Iain McGilchrist

Attention is not passive. It is an ethical act. It determines what is held, what is discarded, what is allowed to flourish, what is left to wither. When we pay attention, we lend reality to something—we affirm its existence, its importance.

And when we withdraw attention? We erase, we minimise, we turn away.

Attention as an Act of Care

Care is, at its core, a form of sustained attention. To care for someone is to make space for their existence, to hold them fully in our awareness. It is to listen with presence, to notice what is unsaid, to recognise what might otherwise be missed.

But if care is attention, then neglect is not just a failure of kindness—it is a failure of seeing, of noticing, of allowing another person to fully exist in our awareness.

How often do we speak of harm in terms of what was done? But harm is just as often found in what was not done—

The silence where words should have been.

The absence of a check-in after something difficult.

The failure to see another’s hesitation.

The unwillingness to witness discomfort.

If consent is about what we ask of one another, care is about what we notice, unprompted.

The Power in Who Gets Noticed

Attention is not evenly distributed. Some voices are automatically amplified, while others are silenced before they ever speak. Some people move through the world expecting to be heard, while others must fight to be seen at all.

Care cannot exist without awareness of whose experiences are centred and whose are ignored. It cannot exist without an understanding of how power shapes who is granted full attention and who is dismissed as “too much” or “not enough.”

Harm is not always loud. Sometimes, it is simply not listening.

What It Means to Attend to Another Person

To be present with someone—truly present—is to practice an ethics of attention. It is to say, without words:

I see you. I hear you. You exist in my awareness, fully and without condition.

In relationships, this means:

Not just hearing words, but attuning to what is beneath them.

Noticing when someone is withdrawing, even when they don’t say why.

Being conscious of the spaces we take up and the spaces we leave for others.

In moments of intimacy, it means:

Recognising that consent is more than words—it is presence, it is attunement, it is attention.

Understanding when someone is hesitating, even if they haven’t yet found the words to express it.

Holding space for what happens after—not treating connection as something to be used and discarded, but something to be cared for.

In community, it means:

Witnessing harm, rather than pretending not to see.

Listening when someone names their experience, rather than deciding for them whether it is real.

Holding accountability as an act of attention, rather than an act of punishment.

Because harm, too, is shaped by attention.

A harm denied. A harm minimised. A harm ignored.

Each of these wounds not just through what happened, but through the failure to acknowledge it happened at all.

What We Fail to See, We Cannot Repair

If we are to be ethical in our relationships, in our communities, in our spaces, then we must first pay attention—not just to what is easy to see, but to what is difficult, what is subtle, what requires effort.

Because attention is care, and care is the foundation of everything else.

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relationship anarchy/polyamory/non-monogamy reminder: being successfully open in your relationship and unlearning toxic/compulsory monogamy does not equate to transcending all feelings of jealousy, fear, insecurity, uneasiness, or any other generally unsettling sensations that may arise when you or your partner are exploring other connections.

the real success of your non-traditional relationship style is measured by your ability to share these feelings willingly, transparently, and without judgment or projection into external blame, however embarrassing or irrational you may think they are, & your partner’s ability to empathize, listen, reassure, discuss, and/or analyze solutions with you at length as you decondition yourselves together.

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A deep dive into still waters: How to self-soothe in waves of Whoosh - Part 5

Understanding and Integrating Your Experience

Self-soothing is not just about managing emotions in the moment—it’s also about deepening your understanding of your emotional landscape and using that insight for long-term growth. In this section, we’ll explore how reflective practices like journaling and self-compassion help you integrate these self-soothing techniques into your life and relationships.

A. Self-Reflection and Journaling

Self-reflection is a powerful tool for understanding your emotional responses and tracking your progress in self-soothing. Journaling, in particular, allows you to document your emotional patterns, identify triggers, and observe how your self-soothing practices are working over time.

By regularly journaling about your experiences, you can gain valuable insight into what triggers specific emotions and how you respond to those triggers. For example, you might discover that jealousy is often linked to feelings of insecurity, and by tracking how self-soothing practices like mindfulness or grounding have helped you manage those feelings, you can refine your emotional toolkit.

Journaling also provides a safe, non-judgmental space to explore your thoughts and feelings in greater depth. This can be especially helpful when navigating complex emotions like jealousy, where underlying fears or past experiences might be contributing to your emotional response.

B. Developing Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is an essential part of emotional regulation. It’s easy to be hard on yourself when intense emotions like jealousy or anxiety arise, often leading to cycles of self-criticism or shame. Self-compassion helps break this cycle by encouraging kindness and understanding toward yourself, particularly when you’re struggling.

This is especially important when self-soothing doesn’t immediately "work" or when difficult emotions resurface. Instead of blaming yourself for not feeling better right away, self-compassion allows you to accept that emotional regulation is a process, not a quick fix.

One way to cultivate self-compassion is through self-affirmation. In moments of distress, try offering yourself reassurance, such as, "It’s okay to feel this way. I’m doing my best to manage this emotion." Over time, this practice can create a more supportive and patient inner dialogue, reducing emotional reactivity and helping you approach self-soothing with greater openness.

C. Applying These Practices in Relationships

While self-soothing is an individual process, its benefits extend into your relationships. When you’re able to regulate your emotions more effectively, you can communicate more clearly, approach conflicts with a calmer mindset, and build stronger, healthier dynamics with your partners.

In ethical non-monogamy self-soothing can play a critical role in maintaining relational harmony. By calming your initial emotional response, you can approach difficult conversations with a partner from a place of clarity and empathy, rather than reacting impulsively or defensively.

Sharing your self-soothing process with your partners can also create more transparency and mutual support in your relationships. By letting them know how certain practices help you, you foster a more compassionate dynamic. In some cases, these practices—such as mindfulness or grounding techniques—can even be practiced together, deepening your connection.

Integrating these practices into your relationships doesn’t mean suppressing difficult emotions or avoiding challenging conversations. Instead, it’s about recognising when to turn inward to process your feelings and when to engage in open communication with your partners. This balance strengthens emotional resilience both individually and relationally, allowing for healthier, more supportive connections.

Here’s the conclusion, followed by a proposal for some accurate references to append to the article.

Conclusion

A. Embracing the Process

Self-soothing is a journey, not a quick fix. The techniques and strategies outlined in this guide are tools that help you manage emotional distress, whether it’s jealousy, anxiety, or another intense emotion. But it’s important to recognise that emotional regulation is an ongoing practice—one that evolves as you continue to deepen your understanding of yourself and your emotional triggers.

By committing to this process, you allow yourself the space to feel, process, and grow. Some days, self-soothing will come easily; other days, it might feel like a struggle. What matters is showing up for yourself consistently, with compassion and patience.

B. Moving Forward with Confidence

As you move forward, continue developing these skills not just for yourself, but also for the people around you. The emotional resilience you build through self-soothing will benefit your relationships and your personal growth, making it easier to navigate life’s challenges with greater ease and confidence.

Remember that self-soothing is part of a larger emotional toolkit. While the techniques outlined here are valuable for managing your internal responses, sometimes external support—whether from friends, partners, or a therapist—is just as important. Use these tools in combination with a healthy support system to foster long-term emotional health.

Further Reading

Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. This book provides foundational insights into the neuroscience of emotional regulation and the importance of relationships in shaping our capacity to self-soothe.

Davidson, R. J., & Begley, S. (2012). The Emotional Life of Your Brain: How Its Unique Patterns Affect the Way You Think, Feel, and Live—and How You Can Change Them. This text explores how emotional patterns are wired in the brain and how neuroplasticity plays a role in emotional resilience and self-soothing practices.

Linehan, M. M. (2014). DBT Skills Training Manual. A foundational text on Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), this manual provides detailed explanations of distress tolerance and emotional regulation techniques, including the TIPP strategy discussed in the guide.

Hayes, S. C., & Hofmann, S. G. (2020). Process-Based CBT: The Science and Core Clinical Competencies of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. This reference helps contextualise CBT’s approach to thought restructuring and behavioural activation, while also addressing critiques about its limitations.

Kabat-Zinn, J. (2013). Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness. This book is a classic reference on mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR), offering techniques that align with the mindfulness practices mentioned in this guide.

Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. Neff’s work on self-compassion is directly relevant to the guide’s section on developing self-compassion as a key part of emotional regulation.

Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. Porges’ work on the vagus nerve and its role in the body’s relaxation response underpins the discussion on the nervous system and somatic practices in this guide.

Overview of this Guide

Introduction

The Neuroscience of Self-Soothing Understand how the brain processes emotions and how self-soothing techniques can help rewire emotional responses.

Therapeutic Models and Self-Soothing Techniques Explore structured approaches like CBT, DBT, mindfulness, and somatic practices to manage overwhelming emotions.

Practical Approaches to Self-Soothing Learn step-by-step methods for building a self-soothing toolkit and applying techniques during emotional surges.

Understanding and Integrating Your Experience Discover how to use self-reflection, journaling, and self-compassion to understand emotional patterns and improve resilience.

Conclusion: Embracing the Process A reminder that self-soothing is an ongoing journey of building emotional resilience and finding balance.

[navigatingenm]

A deep dive into still waters: How to self-soothe in waves of Whoosh - Part 4

Practical Approaches to Self-Soothing

This section provides a detailed, step-by-step guide to implementing self-soothing strategies, helping you personalise your approach and develop long-term emotional resilience. Here, you’ll learn how to create a self-soothing toolkit, engage in specific practices, and build lasting emotional strength through daily routines and support systems.

A. Creating a Self-Soothing Toolkit

A self-soothing toolkit is a personalised collection of resources that you can turn to in moments of emotional distress. The goal is to gather tools—both physical and cognitive—that help calm your nervous system and bring a sense of balance and comfort.

Identifying Your Triggers and Responses

To personalise your toolkit, start by identifying what tends to trigger distress for you. Jealousy, for example, might be triggered by specific situations in ethical non-monogamy, such as your partner spending time with someone else. Emotional triggers can also be linked to past experiences, fears of inadequacy, or feelings of insecurity.

Equally important is understanding how your body and mind respond to these triggers. Do you feel tension in your chest? Do your thoughts race? Recognising your physical and emotional responses helps you choose self-soothing techniques that address both mind and body.

Building Your Toolkit

Once you’ve identified your triggers and responses, you can begin to gather resources for your toolkit. These might include:

Physical items: Such as a comforting blanket, a favourite scent, or a stress-relieving object like a smooth stone or stress ball. These items help engage your senses and ground you in the present moment.

Cognitive techniques: These include thought restructuring from CBT, mindfulness techniques, or grounding exercises. Choose the practices that resonate with you, knowing that different situations may call for different tools.

Activities: Engaging in activities that calm or uplift you, such as going for a walk, listening to music, or practicing yoga.

The key is to build a diverse set of tools that address both your physical and mental states. The next part of this section will explain how to use these tools in real-time situations.

B. Step-by-Step Guide to Implementing Self-Soothing

While having tools is valuable, knowing how to implement them in moments of emotional distress is crucial. Here’s a step-by-step approach to effectively self-soothe when you feel overwhelmed by jealousy, anxiety, or other intense emotions.

Recognise and Name the Emotion

The first step is recognising what you’re feeling and naming it. This technique, known as affect labelling, helps reduce the intensity of the emotion by activating the prefrontal cortex. Instead of being swept away by a wave of jealousy or anxiety, pausing to say “I’m feeling jealous right now because my partner is with someone else” can create enough emotional distance to begin soothing yourself.

Engage in a Self-Soothing Practice

Once you’ve recognised and named the emotion, choose a technique from your toolkit to calm yourself. The technique you choose will depend on your emotional and physical state at that moment. Here are some effective options:

Breathing Exercises: Diaphragmatic breathing, as introduced in Section III, helps calm the nervous system. Focus on breathing deeply into your abdomen, then exhaling slowly. This activates the vagus nerve and helps shift you into a relaxed state.

Grounding Exercises: Grounding exercises engage your senses and bring you back to the present. One simple method is the 5-4-3-2-1 technique: identify 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. This exercise brings immediate focus away from overwhelming thoughts.

Physical Movement: Sometimes, releasing built-up tension requires movement. A short walk, yoga, or even shaking out your limbs can help dissipate physical stress and reset your mind.

Cognitive Techniques: Thought restructuring from CBT helps challenge negative thought patterns. For instance, if you find yourself thinking, “My partner will leave me,” you can restructure that thought into something more balanced, like, “My partner values me, and they’re capable of loving more than one person.”

These practices can be applied as needed in real time, depending on what helps you the most in a given moment.

Reflect and Adjust

After engaging in a self-soothing practice, take a moment to reflect on its effectiveness. Did it help reduce the intensity of the emotion? Which techniques worked best for you? This reflection helps you fine-tune your toolkit and identify which practices are most effective for specific situations.

It’s important to note that not every practice will work every time. Some days, you may find that grounding exercises are more helpful than cognitive techniques, and vice versa. The key is to stay flexible and open to adjusting your approach based on your needs.

C. Long-Term Strategies for Emotional Resilience

While self-soothing is crucial for managing acute emotional distress, long-term emotional resilience is built through consistent, daily practices. This section explores how to incorporate self-soothing into your daily routine, create a support system, and maintain emotional balance over time.

Daily Practices: Building Emotional Strength

Regularly practicing mindfulness, journaling, or other calming techniques strengthens your emotional resilience over time. This can include daily mindfulness meditation to train your brain to stay present and regulate emotions, or keeping a journal to track and process your feelings.

By making these practices part of your daily routine, you create a foundation of emotional well-being, making it easier to manage intense emotions like jealousy when they arise. For example, practicing mindfulness meditation for just 10 minutes each day can significantly increase your ability to stay calm and present during difficult situations.

Cultivating a Support System

While self-soothing is an internal process, external support plays a crucial role in emotional resilience. Surrounding yourself with supportive people—whether friends, partners, or therapists—provides a safety net when emotions become overwhelming.

In ethical non-monogamy, having open communication with your partners about your emotional needs and self-soothing practices can foster mutual support. Letting your partners know what techniques help you and how they can offer reassurance creates a more compassionate, transparent dynamic.

Regular Check-Ins: Assessing Your Emotional State

Finally, regular self-reflection helps you stay in tune with your emotional health. Set aside time each week to check in with yourself. Are there unresolved emotions that need attention? Are your self-soothing techniques still effective?

By staying proactive in managing your emotional state, you can build resilience and be better prepared to handle distressing emotions when they arise. This regular self-assessment can also help you adapt and adjust your toolkit over time, ensuring that your practices continue to support your well-being.

Overview of this Guide

Introduction

The Neuroscience of Self-Soothing Understand how the brain processes emotions and how self-soothing techniques can help rewire emotional responses.

Therapeutic Models and Self-Soothing Techniques Explore structured approaches like CBT, DBT, mindfulness, and somatic practices to manage overwhelming emotions.

Practical Approaches to Self-Soothing Learn step-by-step methods for building a self-soothing toolkit and applying techniques during emotional surges.

Understanding and Integrating Your Experience Discover how to use self-reflection, journaling, and self-compassion to understand emotional patterns and improve resilience.

Conclusion: Embracing the Process A reminder that self-soothing is an ongoing journey of building emotional resilience and finding balance.

[navigatingenm]

A deep dive into still waters: How to self-soothe in waves of Whoosh - Part 3

Therapeutic Models and Self-Soothing

Therapeutic models provide structured approaches to understanding and managing difficult emotions like jealousy. This section offers an overview of some key models—Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), and mindfulness-based approaches—and how they inform the techniques you’ll explore in the next section on practical self-soothing strategies.

It’s worth noting that while these models can be very effective for many people, they don’t work for everyone. Therapeutic approaches like CBT, in particular, are sometimes critiqued for focusing on individual emotional regulation rather than addressing broader, systemic or relational issues that may contribute to distress. This doesn’t make these techniques ineffective, but it’s important to recognise that self-soothing practices often form part of a larger emotional toolkit, which may include exploring the social, structural, and relational contexts of your emotions.

A. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) focuses on identifying and challenging negative thought patterns, which are often at the root of intense emotions like jealousy. CBT offers two main contributions to self-soothing:

Thought Restructuring: This technique helps you challenge automatic thoughts, such as “I’m not enough” or “My partner prefers someone else,” and replace them with more balanced perspectives. Thought restructuring, as discussed further in Section IV, can be combined with other grounding or relaxation techniques to break emotional spirals.

However, it’s important to acknowledge that CBT primarily addresses internal thought patterns and behaviours, which can sometimes feel inadequate for those dealing with deeper, external challenges—such as relational dynamics or broader societal pressures—that contribute to distress.

Behavioral Activation: Engaging in positive activities to disrupt rumination is another cornerstone of CBT. This technique encourages you to replace cycles of negative thinking with activities that promote well-being. Section IV will delve deeper into how to incorporate these activities into your daily routine, particularly when managing emotions like jealousy.

Though helpful for many, it’s crucial to recognise that the focus on individual behaviour change can sometimes overlook the relational or contextual factors that influence emotional experiences. CBT’s approach might not resonate with everyone, particularly those looking to address more systemic or interpersonal elements of their emotional responses.

B. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) teaches emotional regulation skills that help you tolerate and manage overwhelming emotions like jealousy. Two core contributions of DBT include:

Distress Tolerance Skills: Techniques like the TIPP strategy (Temperature, Intense Exercise, Paced Breathing, Progressive Relaxation) offer immediate relief from acute emotional distress. You can explore detailed application of these techniques in Section IV, which includes guidance on creating a personalised toolkit.

Emotional Regulation: DBT also emphasizes building long-term emotional resilience by incorporating positive emotional experiences and learning to check the facts of a situation. This ties into Section IV’s discussion of regular emotional check-ins and long-term strategies for self-soothing.

C. Mindfulness-Based Approaches

Mindfulness-based approaches, including mindfulness meditation and loving-kindness meditation, focus on staying present and cultivating compassion for yourself and others. These practices allow you to observe emotions without becoming overwhelmed by them.

Mindfulness Meditation: Practicing mindfulness helps you stay grounded during moments of emotional distress. Section IV will cover how to integrate mindfulness into your self-soothing toolkit for both immediate relief and long-term resilience.

Loving-Kindness Meditation: This practice encourages compassion and reduces emotional pain, particularly when dealing with jealousy or insecurity. Further details on how to incorporate loving-kindness into your daily routine can be found in Section IV, where we explore its role in daily self-soothing practices.

D. Somatic Experiencing and Embodied Practices

Somatic experiencing focuses on the connection between the mind and body. Techniques like grounding and breathwork help release physical tension associated with distress.

Grounding Techniques and Breathwork: These methods calm the nervous system by bringing attention back to the body and breath. Section IV provides step-by-step guidance on using grounding and breathwork in real time to manage distress and reduce physical symptoms of emotional overload.

Overview of this Guide

Introduction

The Neuroscience of Self-Soothing Understand how the brain processes emotions and how self-soothing techniques can help rewire emotional responses.

Therapeutic Models and Self-Soothing Techniques Explore structured approaches like CBT, DBT, mindfulness, and somatic practices to manage overwhelming emotions.

Practical Approaches to Self-Soothing Learn step-by-step methods for building a self-soothing toolkit and applying techniques during emotional surges.

Understanding and Integrating Your Experience Discover how to use self-reflection, journaling, and self-compassion to understand emotional patterns and improve resilience.

Conclusion: Embracing the Process A reminder that self-soothing is an ongoing journey of building emotional resilience and finding balance.

[navigatingenm]

A deep dive into still waters: How to self-soothe in waves of Whoosh - Part 2

The Neuroscience of Self-Soothing

Understanding the neuroscience behind self-soothing can give you deeper insight into how your brain and body respond to emotional triggers. This section will cover the key brain areas involved in emotional regulation, how neuroplasticity supports emotional resilience, and the role of the nervous system in self-soothing.

A. The Emotional Brain: Understanding Triggers

1. The Amygdala’s Role in Emotional Responses

The amygdala, often referred to as the brain’s “alarm system,” plays a central role in processing emotional responses, particularly in situations that feel threatening. When you experience an emotion like jealousy, especially one that feels overwhelming, the amygdala is the region of the brain that first kicks into action. It quickly assesses the situation, determining whether it’s a threat, and triggers a fight, flight, or freeze response.

In the context of jealousy, the amygdala might interpret your partner’s attention toward someone else as a threat to your relationship, even if rationally you understand there is no immediate danger. This can result in a cascade of physical and emotional reactions, such as increased heart rate, anxiety, or feelings of insecurity. Recognising that this response originates in the amygdala can help you understand that your initial reaction is a natural, automatic response from the brain.

2. The Prefrontal Cortex and Emotional Regulation

The prefrontal cortex, located at the front of your brain, is responsible for higher-level functions like reasoning, decision-making, and regulating emotions. While the amygdala is quick to react to perceived threats, the prefrontal cortex can step in to provide a more measured response, helping you regulate your emotions and assess whether the perceived threat is real.

Self-soothing techniques help activate the prefrontal cortex, giving you the ability to pause and process your emotions rather than being overwhelmed by them. This allows you to shift from an instinctive reaction to a more thoughtful, deliberate response. Over time, with practice, you can strengthen your prefrontal cortex’s capacity to manage emotional triggers, allowing you to respond more effectively in situations that previously caused distress.

B. Neuroplasticity and Emotional Resilience

1. Building New Pathways

The brain’s ability to change and adapt, known as neuroplasticity, is crucial for emotional resilience. When you engage in self-soothing practices regularly, you’re not just managing your immediate emotional response—you’re also building new neural pathways that support long-term emotional regulation.

Each time you successfully soothe yourself in a moment of jealousy or distress, you reinforce neural circuits that promote calm and emotional control. Over time, these pathways become stronger, making it easier to manage your emotions the next time you’re triggered.

2. The Power of Consistency

Consistency is key when it comes to rewiring the brain. Self-soothing practices need to be repeated regularly to create lasting change in your emotional responses. The more frequently you practice, the more natural and automatic these new neural pathways become. It’s important to remember that progress may feel slow at first, but with persistence, the brain adapts and becomes more resilient to emotional triggers.

C. The Impact of Somatic Practices on the Nervous System

1. The Vagus Nerve and the Relaxation Response

The vagus nerve is a critical player in your body’s relaxation response. It runs from the brainstem through the body, influencing the parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for calming you down after a stress response. Activating the vagus nerve through deep breathing, meditation, or other somatic practices helps to shift your body from a state of high alert (triggered by the amygdala) to a state of relaxation and recovery.

Engaging the vagus nerve is one of the most direct ways to soothe your nervous system. Techniques like diaphragmatic breathing, which stimulates the vagus nerve, can quickly reduce physical symptoms of stress, such as a racing heart or shallow breathing, allowing your body and mind to return to a more balanced state.

2. Somatic Awareness: Understanding How Your Body Holds Stress

Stress, anxiety, and emotions like jealousy are not just mental experiences; they are also stored in the body. This is why you might feel a tight chest, tense muscles, or an upset stomach when you’re stressed. Somatic awareness—the practice of tuning into your body’s sensations—helps you become more conscious of how and where you hold tension in your body. By learning to identify these physical responses, you can use targeted techniques like stretching, breathwork, or even simple physical movement to release stored tension and create a sense of relief.

Overview of this Guide

Introduction

The Neuroscience of Self-Soothing Understand how the brain processes emotions and how self-soothing techniques can help rewire emotional responses.

Therapeutic Models and Self-Soothing Techniques Explore structured approaches like CBT, DBT, mindfulness, and somatic practices to manage overwhelming emotions.

Practical Approaches to Self-Soothing Learn step-by-step methods for building a self-soothing toolkit and applying techniques during emotional surges.

Understanding and Integrating Your Experience Discover how to use self-reflection, journaling, and self-compassion to understand emotional patterns and improve resilience.

Conclusion: Embracing the Process A reminder that self-soothing is an ongoing journey of building emotional resilience and finding balance.

[navigatingenm]

A deep dive into still waters: How to self-soothe in waves of whoosh - Part 1

Introduction

We’ve all experienced that sudden rush—a wave of intense emotion that sweeps over us like a storm. Maybe it’s the surge of anger when you feel wronged, or the deep flood of sadness that catches you off guard. Your chest tightens, your mind races, and you’re left trying to find solid ground in the middle of it all. That’s what we might call a “whoosh”—those moments when emotions overwhelm and you feel like you’re spinning out of control.

This guide started out as a response to understanding the powerful emotions that can arise when experiencing jealousy. particularly in Polyamory but it's clear that these emotional surges—these “whooshes”—can come from many different sources. Whether it’s a whoosh of frustration, grief, or even joy that feels too intense to handle, the need to find calm amidst the emotional storm is universal.

A. Understanding Self-Soothing

Self-soothing is the practice of calming and comforting yourself during times of emotional distress. It’s a critical skill for emotional regulation, allowing you to manage your reactions to stress, anxiety, and other intense emotions without relying on external validation or support. The ability to self-soothe can help you navigate complex emotional landscapes, particularly in situations where you may feel overwhelmed or triggered.

Self-soothing is not about suppressing your emotions or ignoring them. Instead, it’s about creating a safe, internal environment where you can process these feelings without becoming overwhelmed by them. This involves both cognitive and somatic practices—working with your thoughts and your body to achieve a sense of calm and balance.

This practice is valuable in many areas of life, whether you're dealing with stress, anxiety, or difficult emotions like jealousy. While this guide focuses on managing jealousy in ethical non-monogamy, the techniques presented here can be applied to a range of situations where emotional regulation is needed. The principles of self-soothing are universal, offering tools for anyone looking to build resilience in the face of intense emotions.

B. The Role of Self-Soothing in Managing Jealousy

Jealousy is a particularly challenging emotion, often arising from a combination of insecurity, fear of loss, and feelings of inadequacy. These emotions can be intense and overwhelming, making it difficult to respond to situations in a measured and constructive way. Jealousy may manifest in different forms, such as anger, sadness, or anxiety, each requiring different approaches to soothe and manage.

In the context of ethical non-monogamy, jealousy can be especially complex. For instance, someone might feel jealousy when their partner is developing a relationship with another person. This can trigger fears of being replaced or neglected, even if these fears are not grounded in reality. By learning to self-soothe, you can process these emotions without allowing them to dominate your reactions.

Self-soothing is a powerful tool in managing jealousy because it helps you regulate your emotional response before it escalates. By calming your nervous system and grounding yourself, you can approach the situation with greater clarity and emotional resilience. This doesn’t mean ignoring or suppressing your jealousy; rather, it’s about giving yourself the space to process the emotion without reacting impulsively or destructively.

For example, imagine feeling a wave of jealousy after your partner has gone on a date with someone else. Without self-soothing, this jealousy might lead to rumination, over-analysis, or even a confrontation with your partner that isn’t productive. However, using self-soothing techniques, you can calm your initial response, gain perspective, and decide how to approach the situation more mindfully.

C. Guide Overview

In this guide, we’ll explore the various dimensions of self-soothing, from the neuroscience behind emotional regulation to practical techniques you can implement in your daily life. We’ll look at therapeutic models that offer structured approaches to self-soothing, mindfulness practices that enhance your ability to stay present, and somatic techniques that help release physical tension and stress.

Introduction

The Neuroscience of Self-Soothing Understand how the brain processes emotions and how self-soothing techniques can help rewire emotional responses.

Therapeutic Models and Self-Soothing Techniques Explore structured approaches like CBT, DBT, mindfulness, and somatic practices to manage overwhelming emotions.

Practical Approaches to Self-Soothing Learn step-by-step methods for building a self-soothing toolkit and applying techniques during emotional surges.

Understanding and Integrating Your Experience Discover how to use self-reflection, journaling, and self-compassion to understand emotional patterns and improve resilience.

Conclusion: Embracing the Process A reminder that self-soothing is an ongoing journey of building emotional resilience and finding balance.

[navigatingenm]

How do I start a conversation, and navigate the conversation, with my current partner about opening our relationship? We have been dating for 3 years, are engaged, and only recently have realized I am non monogamous/ poly. I don’t know how to have this conversation.

Hi there!

Thanks so much for your thoughtful question. I really appreciate that you’re taking the time to approach this with care, because opening up a relationship is a big step, and how you handle the conversation matters a lot.

First off, you’ll be aware that having the conversation and actually opening the relationship are two separate things. This is the start of a conversation, and it might not be an easy one. It’s important to be prepared—both for the potential that this conversation will bring up strong emotions, and for the possibility that your partner might not want the same thing. It’s not always easy to hear, but sometimes it just doesn’t work for both people. And that can mean the relationship itself may no longer work, which is one of the hardest things to consider.

Before diving in, one way to ease into the conversation is by exploring the concept of different relationship styles in a more general way. You might start by discussing what various types of relationships can look like—ethical non-monogamy, polyamory, swinging, or even more unconventional relationships. It can be helpful to bring the topic into the light by having a broader conversation about what being in a relationship means to both you and your partner. This allows you to understand where your partner is coming from, what they understand about relationships, and how open they are to new ways of relating.

By doing this, you create space for them to ask questions and explore the subject with you. If they do ask, “Why are we talking about this?” or “Why is this important to you?”, that could naturally lead into the deeper discussion about your own feelings and experiences. Be prepared that starting a conversation about ethical non-monogamy and relationship styles is a significant step—it’s not simple, and it can bring up complex emotions and thoughts for both of you.

There’s also the question of timing. Picking the right moment is important. I’ve found that it can sometimes help to give your partner a heads-up before getting into the more challenging details.

One thing I would recommend is checking out the Making Polyamory Work podcast by Libby Sinback. There are a few episodes that might help guide you through this process: How Do I Know If I’m Polyamorous? is a good one to help you reflect on your own feelings. Another, New Information Shock, explores what can happen when one person in a relationship introduces big news like this. Finally, the episode The Heart Wants What It Wants talks about how we sometimes want things that are really complex—and that pursuing them isn’t always simple, or even possible, depending on the relationship.

Also, remember that polyamory—and even just the conversation about it—requires a lot of emotional work. It’s not always easy, but for many people, it’s worth it. That being said, not every couple can or should try to navigate polyamory, and it’s important to be open to whatever outcome feels right for both of you.

Finally, I’d encourage you to do some research and, if possible, connect with others who’ve gone through similar experiences. There are lots of poly communities, both online and in person, that can offer support and advice. It’s always helpful to hear from people who’ve been there before you.

Whatever path you take, I wish you the best as you navigate this journey.

[navigatingenm]

Navigating Time and Trust: How Scheduling Shapes Polyamorous Relationships

The Seemingly Mundane Importance of Planning Time Together in ENM

In the realm of ethical non-monogamy (ENM), planning time together often appears to be a logistical necessity rather than a crucial element of relationship dynamics. However, far from being a simple task of coordinating calendars, it represents a vital touchpoint for balancing emotional needs, managing expectations, and fostering trust between partners.

While at first glance, it may seem to be about scheduling dates and managing time, intentional time management plays a pivotal role in addressing the complexities of balancing multiple relationships. There’s an old polyamory joke that you can tell a person is polyamorous because all they talk about it polyamory and calendars – and though it’s usually said in jest it underscores a broader truth—organising time between multiple partners can be a significant challenge. The act of planning time together transcends mere logistics. It is deeply tied to the emotional aspects of trust-building, and emotional security, all of which contribute to the success of ENM relationships. This article delves into the often-overlooked emotional and practical nuances of managing time across multiple connections. By exploring why intentional time management works for some and creates challenges for others, we can better understand how time-planning impacts the wellbeing and success of non-monogamous relationships.

Different Attitudes Towards Planning Time Together

People’s approaches to planning time are shaped by a combination of personality, cultural background, and psychological orientation towards time.

While these differences exist across all types of relationships, they take on a particular significance in ethical non-monogamy (ENM), where partners often need to coordinate time across multiple connections. Human Behaviour and Time Management On a broad level, people’s attitudes towards time management differ greatly. Some individuals find comfort in detailed plans and schedules, thriving on structure and organisation. Others prefer spontaneity, viewing rigid planning as a limitation on their freedom.

These preferences are often influenced by personality traits such as conscientiousness, which tends to favour organisation, or openness, which values flexibility and adaptability. Example: Emma, an organised person who feels in control when plans are set, contrasts with her partner, Sam, who finds too much structure overwhelming and enjoys living in the moment. These differing preferences can cause friction, as Emma feels anxious without plans, while Sam feels restricted by them. Cultural Influences on Time Cultural background also plays a significant role in shaping how individuals approach time. For example, individuals from monochronic cultures, where time is viewed as something to be structured and segmented, are more likely to prioritise punctuality and detailed scheduling. In contrast, polychronic cultures value relationships over schedules and tend to be more fluid in their approach to time. Example: Priya, who comes from a culture that highly values punctuality, often feels frustrated when her partner, Luis, who values a more fluid approach to time, changes plans at the last minute. They have had to navigate these cultural differences by finding a balance between Priya’s need for structure and Luis’s preference for spontaneity. Psychological Orientation Towards Time Psychological theories, such as Temporal Self-Regulation Theory, suggest that people's orientation towards time also plays a role in their comfort with planning. Future-focused individuals feel more at ease when plans are laid out well in advance, while present-oriented individuals often find such planning burdensome and prefer to remain adaptable. Example: Alex, who feels secure knowing what the next few weeks hold, contrasts with their partner Taylor, who thrives on the flexibility of not over-committing to plans. Through communication, they compromise by scheduling key events while allowing room for spontaneous moments. Why These Differences Matter in ENM In ethical non-monogamy, these variations in planning styles become particularly relevant because time is often divided between multiple partners. A partner who thrives on structure might feel uneasy if their need for planned time is unmet, whereas a partner who values spontaneity may feel restricted by too many commitments. Tensions can arise if these differences aren't addressed with care. Intentional conversations about managing time in ENM are essential. Partners need to express their preferences openly, understanding that differences in planning styles are not about right or wrong but about finding a balance that accommodates everyone's needs for security, freedom, and connection.

Why Planning Time Together Can Be Helpful in ENM

In ENM intentional planning of time together offers more than just logistical convenience—it can help partners balance emotional needs, ensure fairness, and strengthen connections.

While not everyone is comforted by structured time, thoughtful time management can significantly enhance the wellbeing of multiple relationships. Emotional Preparedness For many, knowing what’s ahead in a relationship brings emotional security. In ENM, where partners have different schedules and commitments, planning time together allows individuals to prepare emotionally for upcoming dates and experiences.

It also provides space to address feelings like jealousy or insecurity, as partners can rely on having their needs acknowledged and planned for. Planning in advance can help prevent surprises that might otherwise lead to emotional stress. A clear sense of when time will be spent together alleviates anxiety for those who are future-focused, making it easier to navigate the complexities of multiple relationships. Clear Communication Intentional time planning encourages regular conversations about how time is spent—both together and apart. These discussions promote open dialogue on boundaries, expectations, and emotional needs, reinforcing trust and transparency between partners. Discussing plans ahead of time can prevent misunderstandings and reduce the chances of unmet expectations. By allocating time thoughtfully, partners feel valued and heard, even when balancing multiple connections. Navigating Fairness and Balance Fairness in ENM is a nuanced concept. It’s not simply about dividing time equally between partners but about addressing emotional needs. Often, feelings of unfairness stem from unmet needs rather than the actual division of time. Time doesn’t always have to be equally distributed across partners, as different relationships may require more attention at various points. What might seem like unfairness is often linked to deeper emotional dynamics, such as insecurity or the need for reassurance, rather than a tangible imbalance in time. In ENM, fairness is more about ensuring that each partner feels secure, valued, and connected. Open communication is key to navigating these dynamics, ensuring that time becomes a meaningful resource rather than a source of tension. Supporting Autonomy For individuals who highly value their independence, planning time together can actually support autonomy. When specific times are set aside for relationships, individuals are better able to organise their personal schedules, interests, and commitments. This balance between structure and autonomy is crucial in ENM, where multiple priorities often compete for time. Intentional planning doesn’t limit spontaneity but instead offers a framework within which partners can build their lives. It can help them feel grounded without losing the flexibility that is often essential in polyamorous dynamics. Minimising Conflict One practical benefit of planning is the reduction of scheduling conflicts. In ENM, where multiple relationships are involved, conflicts over time can easily arise. Agreeing in advance on how often and when time will be spent together can prevent misunderstandings around availability, ensuring that no one feels marginalised or overlooked. Clear expectations about time can help partners feel respected and acknowledged, fostering balance within relationships and preventing unnecessary conflict.

Navigating the Challenges of Planning Time Together

While planning time together offers many benefits, it also presents certain challenges, particularly in ENM, where time is divided among multiple relationships.

Partners bring different emotional needs and preferences into the process, making flexibility, communication, and emotional openness essential for managing these differences. Perceptions of Inequality One of the most common challenges in planning time is the perception of inequality. A partner might feel overlooked or undervalued if they believe that another partner is receiving more time or attention.

These feelings can lead to jealousy or resentment, even when the division of time is based on practical considerations. It’s important to remember that these emotions often arise from unmet emotional needs rather than a true imbalance in time. A partner may be seeking reassurance or emotional closeness, and the allocation of time may merely represent a surface-level indicator of deeper issues.

Addressing these emotional needs directly is crucial, rather than focusing solely on balancing time spent together. Balancing Structure and Flexibility Partners in ENM often have different approaches to planning. Some prefer structure and feel secure when their time is planned in advance, while others thrive on spontaneity and feel constrained by too much planning. This difference can create tension, especially if one partner feels restricted by structure or if the other feels anxious without it. Finding a balance between structure and flexibility is key. Partners who favour spontaneity may need to embrace some level of planning, while those who find security in schedules may need to allow room for spontaneity.

Clear communication about these needs will help partners find an approach that accommodates both preferences. Emotional Discomfort and Anticipation Planning time together can sometimes heighten emotional discomfort, particularly if one partner is anticipating a difficult or challenging event, such as their partner spending time with someone else. This can lead to "countdown anxiety," where emotional discomfort builds as the date approaches. While planning can help manage these emotions, it can also intensify them for certain individuals. Partners can support each other by discussing these feelings openly in advance and developing strategies for emotional resilience. Practising self-care, engaging in open dialogue, and offering reassurance can help mitigate these anticipatory feelings. Pressure to Maximise Time Together Another challenge of planning time together is the subtle pressure to make each moment feel meaningful or significant. When time is intentionally planned, partners may feel that each interaction needs to meet certain expectations, which can detract from the natural flow of the relationship. It’s important to release this pressure and focus on being present in the moment. By letting go of the need to "maximise" time, partners can connect more authentically and enjoy their time together without feeling the need to perform or meet specific emotional outcomes. Scheduling Conflicts and Flexibility In ENM, scheduling conflicts are inevitable, particularly when multiple relationships are involved. Unexpected commitments can arise, making it necessary to reschedule plans. This can lead to frustration or disappointment, especially if one partner feels that their time isn’t being prioritised. In these situations, it’s important to approach changes with understanding and flexibility. Shifting plans does not necessarily reflect a lack of care or commitment. Being open to adjusting schedules and communicating about the importance of time together can help ease these frustrations and maintain balance in the relationship.

When Planning Time Together Isn’t the Right Approach

While planning time together in ENM can offer numerous benefits, it’s not always the best approach for every relationship or situation. Different partners have varying emotional needs and relationships with time, and for some, planning can lead to tension rather than connection. While structure can offer comfort for some, others may feel restricted by it. Loss of Spontaneity One potential drawback of planning is the risk of losing spontaneity. Some partners thrive in environments where the relationship develops naturally and isn’t governed by schedules. Too much structure can make the relationship feel formal or transactional, reducing the sense of genuine connection. In ENM, where relationships often overlap with complex schedules, relying too heavily on planning can cause partners to feel that time together is about logistics rather than emotional intimacy. Leaving room for spontaneity allows for unplanned, meaningful moments that feel more organic and emotionally rich. Over-Structuring Relationships Focusing too much on planning can make relationships feel overly managed. When time together is excessively structured, it can become an obligation rather than an opportunity for intimacy. This can lead to a feeling of "ticking off commitments," rather than enjoying time together in a relaxed and emotionally fulfilling way. Too much structure may inhibit the emotional fluidity that allows relationships to grow. Relationships are dynamic, and partners should feel free to engage with each other naturally rather than adhering to a rigid schedule. Pressure to Perform The act of planning can create subtle pressure to make every interaction meaningful or significant. Because time together is scheduled, there can be an expectation that it must meet certain emotional standards, which can feel like unnecessary pressure. This can detract from the authenticity of the relationship, as partners may feel that every moment needs to be "maximised." By releasing the need for each interaction to be extraordinary, partners can relax and enjoy time together more naturally. Scheduling Conflicts In ENM, scheduling conflicts are almost inevitable, especially when multiple partners are involved. The more emphasis placed on planning, the more stressful it becomes when things don’t go according to plan. Having to reschedule can create disappointment, and partners may feel guilty if they can’t honour commitments. While planning helps manage time, it’s important to remember that life is unpredictable. Flexibility is key, and being open to adjusting plans prevents feelings of frustration and resentment. Balancing Autonomy and Obligation For partners who value their independence, planning time together may sometimes feel like a constraint. Committing to specific times in advance can limit their freedom to act spontaneously, particularly in ENM, where multiple relationships and commitments require a degree of flexibility. Maintaining a balance between structure and autonomy is essential. Partners should feel that time together is based on mutual desire rather than obligation. Respecting each other’s autonomy helps ensure that the relationship remains dynamic and fulfilling without feeling over-managed or restricted.

Finding Balance in Planning and Flexibility

In ENM, there is no one-size-fits-all approach to managing time between partners. Some individuals find security in planning, while others feel more comfortable with spontaneity and fluidity. The key to navigating these differences lies in open communication, mutual understanding, and the ability to balance structure with flexibility. Planning can be an excellent tool for fostering connection, reducing conflict, and ensuring that emotional needs are met. However, it’s important to recognise when planning becomes a source of tension or an obligation.In these cases, adjusting expectations and allowing for more spontaneity can help restore balance. Ultimately, successful relationships in ENM require adaptability. By understanding each partner’s preferences and finding common ground, individuals can cultivate a more harmonious and fulfilling approach to managing time together.

References

1. Hall, P. A., & Fong, G. T. (2007). Temporal self-regulation theory: A model for individual health behavior. Health Psychology Review, 1(1), 6-52. 2. Klein, J. (2016). The polyamorous way: Navigating multiple relationships with grace. Open Publishing. 3. Benson, K. (2015). Time and relationships in ENM: Managing schedules and expectations. Journal of Relationship Studies, 12(3), 65-79. 4. Barker, M. (2018). Rewriting the rules: An integrative guide to love, sex, and relationships. Routledge. 5. Easton, D., & Hardy, J. W. (2009). The ethical slut: A practical guide to polyamory, open relationships, and other adventures. Ten Speed Press. 6. Conley, T. D., Moors, A. C., Matsick, J. L., & Ziegler, A. (2017). The fewer the merrier?: Assessing stigma surrounding consensually nonmonogamous romantic relationships. Analyses of Social Issues and Public Policy, 17(1), 172-195. 7. Taormino, T. (2013). Opening up: A guide to creating and sustaining open relationships. Cleis Press. 8. Anapol, D. (2010). Polyamory in the 21st century: Love and intimacy with multiple partners. Rowman & Littlefield. 9. Sheff, E. (2015). The polyamorists next door: Inside multiple-partner relationships and families. Rowman & Littlefield. 10. Ravenscroft, S. (2017). ENM and emotional resilience: Preparing for the unexpected. Non-Monogamy Studies Quarterly, 8(2), 45-63. 11. Murphy, K. (2016). Scheduling and spontaneity in polyamory: Finding the right balance. Poly Review, 4(4), 38-42. 13. McDonald, S. M. (2014). Managing jealousy in ethical non-monogamy: Insights from relational dynamics. The Journal of Positive Relationships, 3(2), 73-85. 14. Wosick, K. (2013). Consensual nonmonogamy: A contemporary reconsideration. Sociology Compass, 7(8), 566-575. 15. Mint, P. (2004). Polyamory is. In R. Cardwell (Ed.), Love without limits: The power and practice of polyamory (pp. 45-58). Polyamory Press.

[navigatingenm]

Ambiguous Bonds in Polyamory: What They Are and How to Navigate Them

Introduction

In ethical non-monogamy, relationships don’t always come with a neat label. You might find yourself in a connection that feels important, but doesn’t quite fit into a predefined category—a relationship that doesn’t follow any familiar blueprint. These are what we can call ambiguous bonds. Whether you're in one yourself or watching your partner navigate one, the ambiguity often brings a unique mix of opportunity and challenge.

These undefined connections allow for a natural evolution, but the freedom to "just see where things go" can also bring its own kind of uncertainty. How do you figure out where you stand when things are deliberately left open? How do you express your needs without a clear sense of what the relationship is? In this article, we’ll explore the complex emotional landscape of ambiguous bonds, why they come up, and how to navigate them with a little more ease. We’ll also talk about practical tools, like the Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord, and strategies for keeping trust and communication alive in relationships that resist simple definitions.

The Complexity of Ambiguous Bonds

Not every relationship in non-monogamy fits into tidy boxes. You might have a connection that feels significant but doesn’t match conventional labels like "romantic" or "platonic." These ambiguous bonds carry weight, even though they aren’t fully defined.

One of the powerful things about ambiguous bonds is the freedom they offer. They let you explore a connection without immediately pinning it down. But that same openness can cause confusion, not just for the people in the bond, but for others around them as well. Ambiguity doesn’t stay neatly contained—it ripples out, often making other partners wonder where they fit in.

If you're watching a partner engage in one of these undefined connections, it can stir up some difficult questions. What is this relationship? Where do I stand in comparison? It’s not uncommon to feel unsettled when the boundaries aren’t clear. Sometimes, the hardest part is sitting with the unknown, especially when there’s no easy answer to the question, "What is this?"

One way to manage this uncertainty is to clarify what the relationship isn’t. Maybe it’s not romantic, or it’s not sexual, or certain commitments aren’t part of the picture. That clarity can help—but only if it works for you. For some, this kind of definition offers a foundation that makes the ambiguity less overwhelming. For others, it doesn’t matter as much.

These kinds of bonds often emerge because people want space to explore without feeling boxed in. That flexibility is part of their appeal. But it’s important to acknowledge that freedom can sometimes feel destabilising, particularly if there isn’t clear communication about what everyone is comfortable with.

The Role of Personal Values and Expectations

Navigating ambiguous bonds doesn’t just depend on the relationship itself—it has a lot to do with your personal values and expectations. Some people embrace ambiguity with open arms, thriving in relationships that aren’t pinned down by labels. They see it as a chance to let connections evolve naturally.

But not everyone feels that way. If you crave emotional security or prefer a bit more structure, not knowing where you stand—especially in comparison to someone else—can trigger feelings of unease. It’s important to recognise that how you experience ambiguity and how your partner experiences it might be very different, and those differences can lead to tension if they’re not talked about.

Your past experiences also play a role. Maybe you’ve been in a situation where ambiguity led to hurt, and that’s why you feel the need for more clarity now. Or perhaps you’ve always valued independence in your relationships, and the idea of labelling things too soon feels restrictive.

Understanding your expectations and communicating them clearly, both to yourself and your partners, is key. It’s about advocating for what you need—whether that’s more clarity, more reassurance, or more space. And it’s equally important to recognise that your partner might need different things. That’s why open, ongoing communication is so essential.

There’s no one-size-fits-all way to manage ambiguity. But by staying in touch with your values and being honest about your needs, you can find a balance that works for everyone involved. Just remember, it’s okay to want more definition, and it’s okay to be comfortable with less. The most important thing is understanding those needs and talking openly about them.

Navigating Uncertainty in Relationships

Ambiguity and uncertainty go hand in hand. And while some people thrive in undefined spaces, others find them difficult to manage. So, how do you deal with the emotions that come with it—whether you’re in the ambiguous bond or watching it unfold from the outside?

Open Communication is Key Uncertainty is much harder to deal with when communication breaks down. Honest conversations about how the ambiguity is making you feel are crucial. You don’t need to define the relationship, but you do need to talk about how the lack of definition is impacting you.

Boundaries are Still Important Just because a relationship doesn’t have a clear label doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be boundaries. In fact, boundaries might be even more important here. When the relationship itself is undefined, setting boundaries around what you need to feel secure can help.

Stay Present It’s easy to spiral into anxiety about where an ambiguous relationship is headed. Instead of fixating on the future, try to focus on what the connection is bringing to your life right now. What are you getting from it today?

Seek Support When You Need It Managing ambiguity can be hard, and there’s no shame in asking for help. Whether it’s talking to a trusted friend or finding a polyamory-friendly therapist, outside support can give you the clarity and perspective you need.

Coping with Ambiguity

Ambiguity can be a rollercoaster, but there are ways to manage the emotional ups and downs:

Self-Reflection Get clear on what you’re feeling. Are you anxious about where the relationship is going? Are feelings of jealousy or insecurity creeping in? Understanding your emotions is the first step in addressing them.

Talk About It If ambiguity is making you feel unsettled, don’t be afraid to bring it up with your partner(s). Ambiguity is hardest to deal with when it’s not acknowledged, so even if the conversation feels uncomfortable, it can relieve some of the tension.

Set Flexible Boundaries Boundaries are important, especially in ambiguous bonds. Flexibility is key—boundaries that protect your emotional space while allowing the relationship to evolve are often the most effective.

Focus on the Present Instead of worrying about where the relationship is headed, ask yourself what it brings to your life right now. Focusing on the present can help ground you.

Don’t Go It Alone Sometimes, ambiguity feels overwhelming. Talking things through with someone outside the situation can offer a fresh perspective. Whether that’s a therapist, a friend, or a polyamorous community, support can make a big difference.

Using the Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord

Navigating ambiguity doesn’t mean you’re without tools. One great resource for mapping out what a relationship looks like—especially when it’s hard to define—is the Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord.

Explore What You Value The Smorgasbord helps you map out the different kinds of intimacy and connection in your relationships. Rather than relying on traditional labels, it encourages you to explore categories like emotional support, intellectual connection, and shared activities.

Clarify Boundaries Going through the Smorgasbord can help you and your partner(s) clarify what you’re comfortable with and where you might need more structure.

Revisit Over Time Relationships change, and so do your needs. Revisit the Smorgasbord periodically to check in and update your boundaries and preferences as things evolve.

Embrace the Process The Smorgasbord isn’t about rigid definitions—it’s a tool for dialogue and exploration. It’s there to help you talk about your connection without squeezing it into a predefined box.

Fostering Transparency and Trust

If there’s one thing that makes ambiguity easier to manage, it’s trust. And trust comes from transparency. Even when things are undefined, being open about your feelings, uncertainties, and boundaries builds the trust that keeps a relationship thriving.

Be Transparent, Even When It’s Hard It can be tempting to avoid tough conversations because you don’t know all the answers, but honesty—even when uncomfortable—helps maintain trust.

Build Trust Gradually Trust takes time, especially in ambiguous bonds. It’s built through consistent communication and showing up for each other.

Check-in Regularly Regular check-ins can keep communication flowing and make sure everyone is on the same page, even when things are undefined.

Embrace the Unknown Together Ambiguity doesn’t have to mean confusion. With trust and transparency, you can navigate the unknown together and explore the relationship without fear.

Tips and Takeaways

Here are a few practical steps for navigating ambiguous bonds:

Check-in Regularly: Schedule conversations with your partner(s) to discuss how you’re feeling about the relationship.

Use the Smorgasbord: Map out the different aspects of your relationship to clarify what matters most.

Set Flexible Boundaries: Boundaries matter, even in undefined relationships. Protect your emotional space.

Focus on the Present: Don’t worry too much about the future—stay grounded in what the relationship is bringing to your life right now.

Be Honest About Your Needs: Whether you need more clarity, reassurance, or space, communicate openly.

Seek Support: Don’t hesitate to reach out to friends, communities, or a therapist for support.

Additional Resources

Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord: Link to Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord

Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern

The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy

This article is adapted from the version at

[navigatingenm]

Attachment Styles and Jealousy in Ethical Non-Monogamy: Understanding and Addressing Different Responses

Navigating jealousy in ethical non-monogamy (ENM) isn’t just about managing a single emotion; it’s about understanding the deeper layers that shape our reactions, especially when it comes to our attachment styles. Attachment theory, initially developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by others, offers a framework for understanding how our early relationships with caregivers influence how we connect with others in adulthood. In the context of ENM, grasping your attachment style can shed light on why jealousy arises in certain situations and how it might manifest differently depending on your relational tendencies. Let’s explore how attachment styles intersect with jealousy and what strategies might work best for you, depending on your style.

Understanding Attachment Styles

Secure Attachment:

What It Looks Like: If you have a secure attachment style, you likely have a positive view of yourself and others. You’re comfortable with both intimacy and independence, which makes it easier for you to trust your partners and feel secure in your relationships.

How Jealousy Shows Up: For securely attached individuals, jealousy tends to be situational rather than pervasive. When it does arise, it’s usually manageable, and open communication often resolves it before it becomes a bigger issue.

Anxious Attachment:

What It Looks Like: Anxiously attached folks often crave closeness and reassurance but live with a persistent fear of abandonment. This can lead to preoccupation with their relationships, where even minor shifts in dynamics can trigger intense emotional reactions.

How Jealousy Shows Up: Jealousy here can be frequent and intense, often driven by a fear of being replaced or forgotten. This kind of jealousy can lead to behaviors like seeking constant reassurance or over-analyzing your partner’s interactions with others.

Avoidant Attachment:

What It Looks Like: With an avoidant attachment style, there’s a strong emphasis on independence and self-reliance, often at the expense of emotional closeness. Those with this style might struggle with vulnerability and tend to distance themselves when they feel their autonomy is being threatened.

How Jealousy Shows Up: While avoidantly attached individuals might not outwardly express jealousy, that doesn’t mean it’s not there. Instead of confronting these feelings, they might withdraw, rationalize their emotions away, or shut down emotionally to avoid dealing with the discomfort.

Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment:

What It Looks Like: This style combines both anxious and avoidant tendencies, creating a push-pull dynamic that can be particularly challenging. Those with a fearful-avoidant attachment often crave intimacy but also fear it, leading to conflicted behaviors.

How Jealousy Shows Up: Jealousy in this context can be confusing and overwhelming, characterized by a desire for reassurance alongside a deep fear of vulnerability. The result is often a cycle of drawing close and then pushing away, which can be difficult for both the individual and their partners.

How Jealousy Impacts Different Attachment Styles

Understanding how jealousy plays out in the context of your attachment style is key to managing it effectively. Let’s dig a little deeper into how these dynamics might look:

Secure Attachment:

Manifestation: When jealousy arises, it’s more of a passing feeling than a persistent issue. Securely attached people are typically able to communicate their feelings directly and constructively.

Strategy: Lean into your strengths—open communication and a strong foundation of trust. When you feel that twinge of jealousy, use it as a prompt to check in with your partner and ensure that both of you feel secure in the relationship.

Anxious Attachment:

Manifestation: Jealousy can be a regular visitor, often fueled by fears of being left behind or replaced. It might come with a sense of urgency to seek reassurance or control the situation to mitigate those fears.

Strategy: Work on building self-soothing techniques. This could be anything from mindfulness practices to journaling, anything that helps you ground yourself when the anxiety starts to spike. Also, try to communicate your needs in a way that’s clear but not overwhelming—this is where balance is key.

Avoidant Attachment:

Manifestation: Jealousy might be there, but it’s often buried under layers of detachment and rationalization. Rather than confronting these feelings, there’s a tendency to shut down or distance oneself.

Strategy: Start by acknowledging the jealousy without judgment. You don’t have to dive into deep vulnerability right away, but practicing small acts of openness can help you connect more with your partner. Focus on staying present rather than getting caught up in hypotheticals.

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment:

Manifestation: Jealousy here is often wrapped up in a bundle of other intense emotions—fear of loss, fear of intimacy, and a general sense of uncertainty. This can make it hard to know what to do with the feelings when they arise.

Strategy: Establishing a sense of safety and trust is critical. This might mean working with a therapist to unpack past experiences that are influencing your current reactions. In your relationships, consistent, clear communication about your needs and boundaries can help manage the cycle of push-pull dynamics.

Tailored Strategies for Managing Jealousy

So how do you address jealousy in a way that aligns with your attachment style? Here’s where we can start:

For the Securely Attached:

Continue practicing open, honest communication: Use your natural tendency toward trust and transparency to address jealousy before it grows into something more.

Reaffirm your connection: Simple, consistent gestures that reinforce your bond can help keep jealousy at bay.

For the Anxiously Attached:

Develop self-soothing practices: Find what works for you—whether it’s meditation, creative outlets, or something else entirely—and use it to calm your mind when jealousy strikes.

Communicate clearly, but don’t overwhelm: It’s okay to seek reassurance, but it’s also important to recognize when you need to step back and provide that reassurance to yourself.

For the Avoidantly Attached:

Acknowledge and explore your feelings: Start small. Instead of pushing the feelings away, see if you can sit with them for a bit. Journaling might help, or simply reflecting on what these emotions are trying to tell you.

Practice vulnerability in manageable doses: This could be as simple as sharing a small concern with your partner. Over time, these small acts of openness can lead to deeper connection.

For the Fearful-Avoidant:

Seek support if needed: Given the complexity of this attachment style, working with a therapist can be incredibly beneficial.

Establish clear communication: This can help break the cycle of push-pull dynamics. Being upfront about your needs and fears can create a foundation of trust that makes navigating jealousy less daunting.

Conclusion: Embracing Your Attachment Style in ENM

Jealousy in polyamory isn’t something you just “get over”—it’s something you learn to understand, manage, and integrate into your relationships in a way that’s healthy and constructive. By recognizing how your attachment style shapes your experience of jealousy, you can begin to approach these feelings with greater self-awareness and compassion.

The goal isn’t to eliminate jealousy entirely—that’s not realistic, nor is it necessary. What matters is how you respond to it, how you use it as a tool for growth, both personally and within your relationships. Whether you find yourself securely attached, anxiously navigating connections, or somewhere in between, there are strategies that can help you manage jealousy and build stronger, more fulfilling relationships in your ENM journey.

Further Reading

Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books. This is where it all starts with attachment theory. Bowlby’s work lays the foundation for understanding how our early relationships with caregivers shape the way we connect with others as adults. It’s essential reading if you want to grasp the basics of how attachment influences our emotional lives.

Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511-524. Hazan and Shaver’s study was groundbreaking in its application of attachment theory to adult romantic relationships. They were among the first to identify how attachment styles (secure, anxious, avoidant) manifest in our partnerships, which is crucial for understanding how we experience emotions like jealousy.

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change. Guilford Press. This book dives deep into how attachment styles play out in adult relationships, including how they affect the way we deal with emotions like jealousy. It’s an essential resource for anyone looking to explore the intricacies of attachment dynamics beyond just the basics.

Main, M., & Solomon, J. (1986). Discovery of a new, insecure-disorganized/disoriented attachment pattern. In T. B. Brazelton & M. Yogman (Eds.), Affective Development in Infancy (pp. 95-124). Ablex Publishing. Main and Solomon introduced the concept of the disorganized (or fearful-avoidant) attachment style. Understanding this style is key for grasping how conflicting emotions like fear and the desire for closeness can create a unique challenge when it comes to jealousy.

Shaver, P. R., & Mikulincer, M. (2002). Attachment-related psychodynamics. Attachment & Human Development, 4(2), 133-161. This paper gets into the psychodynamics of attachment, exploring how our attachment styles influence our emotional responses, including jealousy. It’s a valuable read for understanding the deeper psychological mechanisms at play in our relationships.

Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown and Company. Sue Johnson applies attachment theory to adult relationships in a way that’s practical and accessible. Her work is particularly useful for understanding how to manage emotions like jealousy by fostering secure attachments with your partners.

Feeney, J. A., & Noller, P. (1996). Adult Attachment. Sage Publications. Feeney and Noller explore how attachment styles influence adult relationship dynamics, including issues like trust, jealousy, and intimacy. This book provides a well-rounded understanding of how attachment theory applies to our everyday relationships.

Bretherton, I., & Munholland, K. A. (2008). Internal working models in attachment relationships: Elaborating a central construct in attachment theory. In J. Cassidy & P. R. Shaver (Eds.), Handbook of Attachment: Theory, Research, and Clinical Applications (2nd ed., pp. 102-127). Guilford Press. This chapter dives into the concept of internal working models, which are the mental frameworks we build based on our early attachment experiences. Understanding these models helps us see why we might react to jealousy the way we do and how these patterns can be changed.

Gillath, O., Karantzas, G. C., & Fraley, R. C. (2016). Adult Attachment: A Concise Introduction to Theory and Research. Academic Press. For a concise and straightforward introduction to attachment theory in adulthood, this book is a great resource. It covers the essentials, including how attachment styles impact our responses to jealousy and other intense emotions in relationships.

Fern, J. (2020). Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy. Thorntree Press. Polysecure is a must-read for anyone navigating the intersection of attachment theory and non-monogamy. Jessica Fern does a brilliant job of integrating these concepts, offering insights into how different attachment styles play out in polyamorous relationships. Her practical strategies for managing jealousy and fostering secure attachments are especially relevant for those practicing ENM.

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Maria Popova:

“To love without knowing how to love wounds the person we love,” the great Zen teacher Thich Nhat Hanh cautioned in his illuminating treatise on love. But even when this incremental laceration finally becomes an irreparable rupture, leaving love behind is never easy, for it also asks that we leave behind the part of ourselves that did the loving. And yet for all but the very fortunate and the very foolish, this difficult transition is an inevitable part of the human experience, of the ceaseless learning journey that is life — because, after all, anything worth pursuing is worth failing at, and fail we do as we pursue.

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Changing Perspectives on Information Sharing in Polyamory

In the landscape of polyamory, where multiple relationships and diverse dynamics coexist, information sharing becomes a crucial aspect of maintaining trust, connection, and emotional safety. For many who enter into polyamory, especially those new to the practice, the assumption might be that full transparency is not only ideal but necessary. The idea of sharing everything with each partner can seem like the best way to ensure honesty and foster deep connections. However, as many discover, perspectives on information sharing in polyamory are far more nuanced and can evolve over time.

The Initial Desire for Transparency

When people first explore polyamory, there’s often a strong impulse to share everything. This might stem from a desire to combat the secrecy often associated with monogamy, where infidelity and hidden desires can cause deep pain. By contrast, polyamory offers the promise of open communication and the freedom to express one’s needs and experiences without judgment. Many find comfort in the idea that nothing is hidden—that every detail of other relationships, encounters, and emotions is laid bare.

This level of transparency can initially feel empowering. It creates a sense of security, where all partners are on the same page, and there are no hidden surprises. For some, this is the ideal scenario: a network of relationships built on complete openness, where everyone knows where they stand.

The Reality of Differing Needs

As relationships deepen and evolve, however, many polyamorous individuals and couples begin to encounter the complexities of information sharing. What once felt like a straightforward commitment to transparency can become more complicated as each partner’s needs, boundaries, and processing styles come into play.

For some, knowing every detail about a partner’s other relationships can be overwhelming or triggering. They might prefer not to hear about intimate moments or emotional exchanges that don’t directly involve them. For others, withholding certain information—even if it seems inconsequential—can feel like a breach of trust or a return to a “double life” mentality, where transparency is compromised.

This divergence in needs can lead to friction, especially when partners have different expectations about what should be shared. It’s not uncommon for polyamorous relationships to evolve from a model of full transparency to one where information sharing is more selective and based on mutual consent and comfort levels.

Shifting Towards Selective Disclosure

As partners navigate these differing needs, many find themselves shifting towards a model of selective disclosure. This doesn’t mean lying or keeping secrets, but rather being intentional about what is shared and why. Selective disclosure is about balancing transparency with respect for each person’s emotional boundaries and processing needs.

For example, one partner might choose to share the broad strokes of a romantic weekend with another partner, without delving into every intimate detail. Another might decide to withhold certain information until they’ve had time to process it themselves, ensuring that they can discuss it in a way that feels grounded and clear.

This approach requires a high level of trust and communication. Partners must be clear about what they need to know, what they don’t want to hear, and what boundaries they need to feel safe and respected. It also requires an understanding that these needs might change over time, as relationships evolve and individuals grow.

The Role of Agreements

To navigate the complexities of information sharing, many polyamorous relationships establish agreements around what is shared and when. These agreements are not set in stone but are revisited regularly to ensure they continue to meet everyone’s needs.

Agreements might cover topics like how much detail is shared about other relationships, how soon after an event or encounter information should be disclosed, and what topics are off-limits. These agreements help set clear expectations and reduce the potential for misunderstandings or hurt feelings.

However, it’s important to recognize that even with agreements in place, the emotional landscape of polyamory can be unpredictable. What felt comfortable at one time might feel overwhelming later, and what was once triggering might become easier to handle with time. Flexibility and ongoing communication are key to navigating these changes.

Embracing Evolving Perspectives

The evolution of perspectives on information sharing in polyamory is a natural part of the journey. It reflects the complexity of human relationships and the need to balance individual and collective needs. While full transparency might feel right at the beginning, many find that their approach shifts over time as they learn more about themselves, their partners, and the unique dynamics of each relationship.

Ultimately, the goal is not to adhere to a rigid standard of transparency but to create a relationship dynamic that feels authentic, respectful, and supportive for everyone involved. This might mean embracing selective disclosure, revisiting agreements regularly, and being open to the possibility that needs and boundaries will continue to evolve.

Conclusion

Information sharing in polyamory is not a one-size-fits-all proposition. It requires ongoing reflection, communication, and a willingness to adapt as relationships grow and change. By embracing the complexities of information sharing, partners can build a foundation of trust that honours both transparency and personal boundaries, ensuring that their relationships remain resilient and fulfilling over time.

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The Personal Growth Paradox

Personal growth is often envisioned as a linear journey—an upward trajectory of self-improvement, clarity, and increasing emotional stability. We work on ourselves, hoping to shed old habits, gain new insights, and build a life that reflects our deepest values. Yet, what’s often overlooked in this narrative is the paradoxical nature of personal growth: sometimes, the very process of improvement can lead to unexpected and disorienting revelations. These revelations can challenge our assumptions, unearth buried insecurities, and make us question what we once thought was solid ground.

The Surprise of Self-Discovery

One of the most unsettling aspects of personal growth is encountering aspects of ourselves that we thought were resolved or that we never anticipated would resurface. Imagine working diligently on building self-confidence, only to find that a new situation triggers a deep-seated fear of inadequacy that you thought you had outgrown. Or perhaps you’ve spent years cultivating a positive mindset, only to be blindsided by a sudden wave of existential doubt when faced with a major life change.

These moments can feel like a betrayal of your own progress. You might wonder, “How can I still feel this way after all the work I’ve done?” The dissonance between your perceived progress and these unexpected feelings can lead to self-doubt and confusion. It’s as if the ground beneath your feet has shifted, revealing cracks in the foundation you believed was solid.

Unpeeling Layers of the Self

Personal growth is not just about building on strengths; it’s also about unpeeling the layers of the self, uncovering hidden beliefs, and addressing long-buried emotions. This unpeeling process can be disorienting, especially when it reveals aspects of yourself that you didn’t realize were influencing your behavior or thoughts.

For example, someone who has worked hard to cultivate a sense of independence might suddenly realize that their need for validation from others runs deeper than they thought. Or, a person who has embraced a particular life philosophy might discover that it’s not as universally applicable as they believed, leading to a crisis of confidence in their own worldview.

These moments of revelation can feel like setbacks, but they are actually signs of deeper growth. The process of uncovering these layers allows us to address core issues that might have gone unnoticed otherwise. However, the journey through this process is rarely comfortable.

The Disorientation of Doubt

When personal growth leads to surprising or unsettling discoveries, it’s natural to feel disoriented. This disorientation can manifest as doubt—doubt in yourself, in your progress, and in the beliefs you’ve held. You might begin to question whether the improvements you’ve made are real or sustainable. This doubt can be particularly challenging because it strikes at the heart of your self-concept and the narrative you’ve built about who you are and where you’re going.

In these moments, it’s important to remember that doubt is not a sign of failure. Rather, it’s a natural part of the growth process. Doubt prompts us to re-evaluate our assumptions, test our beliefs, and refine our understanding of ourselves. While uncomfortable, it’s a necessary step in deepening self-awareness and achieving authentic growth.

Strategies for Navigating the Paradox

So, how can you navigate the paradoxical nature of personal growth without being derailed by the surprises and challenges it presents?

Embrace Curiosity: Approach unexpected discoveries with curiosity rather than judgment. Ask yourself what this new insight is revealing about you and how it might help you grow, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.

Practice Self-Compassion: Recognize that personal growth is not a straight line. There will be setbacks, surprises, and moments of doubt. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding during these times, acknowledging that growth often involves revisiting old wounds or confronting new challenges.

Reframe Setbacks as Learning Opportunities: Instead of viewing unexpected emotions or doubts as failures, reframe them as opportunities for deeper understanding. What can you learn from this experience that will contribute to your ongoing growth?

Seek Support: Sometimes, navigating these challenges requires external support. Whether through therapy, coaching, or trusted relationships, having a sounding board can help you process and integrate new insights without becoming overwhelmed.

Allow Time for Integration: Personal growth often involves integrating new insights and experiences into your existing self-concept. Give yourself the time and space to let these new understandings settle, recognizing that integration is a gradual process.

Conclusion

The paradox of personal growth is that sometimes, the very act of improving can uncover unexpected challenges. These moments of surprise and disorientation are not signs of failure, but rather opportunities for deeper understanding and authentic growth. By embracing curiosity, practicing self-compassion, reframing setbacks, seeking support, and allowing time for integration, you can navigate these challenges and continue on your journey with greater resilience and insight.