navigatinggrief

[navigatinggrief]

Last Post

This is the last post of the semester. I had lots of fun each week explaining different things going through my mind. Unfortunately, even though this is my last post, it is not the ending to this process. The process is still happening and I am still waiting for answers. The weirdest thing to think about is that my mom only lives in memory now, but the memories I have made I will cherish forever. This is one of the hardest moments of my life but I am glad that I had this blog to talk about some of my daily thoughts. I encourage anyone else to also journal or blog to express their thoughts and emotions. 

[navigatinggrief]

Mom’s Remembrance Party

Going to Edisto was less draining than I thought it would be. Being there actually gave me a sense of comfort. I went with my roommate and 2 of my bestfriends. First, we showed up to the pizza place and had some food while I talked to some of my mom’s bestfriends. Then, we headed to the house we were staying at and changed to go to the beach. The beach was my mom’s favorite place to be and I loved feeling closer to her. Then, after about an hour we headed back to the house and changed to get ready for the party. We went and I could just sense the feeling of love and appreciation for my mom all throughout the room. I loved being surrounded by the people that made my mom’s time there so special. This was definitely one of the better weekends since everything happened. 

[navigatinggrief]

Going to Class

The motivation to go to class is getting less and less. However, the stress of me getting behind and my grades being awful are pushing me to keep going. Sometimes I would love nothing more than to lay in bed and have no responsibility for weeks but I do not have that option. I have school and work to worry about. My job also will look really good down the road when I'm applying for jobs after graduation so I know I have to push through. One of my classes this semester is the introduction to philosophy. This class has been interesting to me. We have discussions about the questions of life and we have had some talk about life after death. Sometimes, I am into the conversation. Sometimes, I zone out on accident. Sometimes, I just don’t go. There’s some days I know I won’t be able to handle this class but I’m still getting a great grade.

[navigatinggrief]

The Holidays

The holidays are probably the hardest. Christmas really hit me very hard. It was the first holiday since my mom passed away which at the time, it was less than a month. New years was the next hardest because for as long as I could remember she always wanted to kiss me and my brother on the cheek as soon as the clock hit midnight. Today it is Valentine’s Day. This one is also hard. My mom used to always get me a little something to show how important we were to her. It’s hard not to think about loved ones that would usually be there when family would gather. Today, I will be surrounding myself with my friends and hopefully my mind will be taken off of it.

[navigatinggrief]

Edisto Benefit

Next weekend, my mom is having a benefit in her honor. I didn’t even have to set it up! Her friend group on the Island set up such a wonderful itinerary for events that will go on throughout the night. I am nervous to go if we are being honest. Going back to that island and environment is scary for the fact of I don’t know how I will feel when I am there. I will definitely have more updates next week on this benefit and how that goes. Not going to lie, I’ve been struggling lately. I have been skipping class more often than I usually would because I just want to lay in bed. There’s nothing wrong with that once in a while but I am pushing to stop that completely. 

[navigatinggrief]

Funeral Service

The funeral service was warm and inviting but also filled with sorrow. I saw so many people that I have not seen in years and years. Some of my friends from middle school came, family I haven’t even met, and even my mom’s work friends. It was tough to see those that I knew were close with my mom. The people I felt closest with, I cried the most. The people I didn’t know very well were crying their eyes out to me and I had no emotion. However, I feel as if funerals are not really for the immediate family to say goodbye but it is actually for everyone to gather and for those other people to say goodbye. 

[navigatinggrief]

Results Updates

I received a call yesterday that they went back into the toxicology report and my have found something. I was so happy but I am not going to get my hopes up about the situation. They could not tell me more than that for confidential reasons but I was satisfied. I have decided to start journaling everyday to let out my emotions about the situation more and I am excited to see what I will write about. I guess this was good new compared to what I've received recently so I am appreciative of what is coming my way.

[navigatinggrief]

The Results

When my mom had first passed, they treated it as a homicide. They sent her off to have an autopsy done. The autopsy showed no results so they sent off bloodwork. I was reassured that the bloodwork would HAVE to show something. Yesterday, January 31st, I received a call. They called me to inform me that all of the bloodwork came back and there is still no answer. My heart shattered. They have a few cardiac samples to send in but they said most likely that will not come up with anything. Therefore, the next step is for a panel of doctors to meet and decide a cause of death based on their opinions. I will never have the hard cold truth about why my mom passed away. That question will always be there.

[navigatinggrief]

Siblings

I have one sibling. He is my twin brother. We have never been the closest to each other but we have always had each others back. Throughout this whole processes it has brought me and my brother farther from each other. Unfortunately, with me being in South Carolina and him still in Chicago, we are not able to be there for each other as much as we would like. I have kind of taken on the role of doing everything since my brother has kind of shut down during this whole process. The way that he is grieving is holding all of his emotions in and not talking to anyone. My dad has tried to help but at some point you have to give someone the space they are asking for. Therefore, dealing with siblings through a time of loss is tough but it is best to respect each others boundaries and keep moving forward.

[navigatinggrief]

Alone in SC

As soon as my mom passed, I felt so alone. I felt as if I had no one I could trust due to the fact that no one knew why my mom died. My brother and dad live in Chicago, and I was the only immediate family nearby. Therefore, it was up to me to set up all of the arrangements and stay in contact with law enforcement. In that moment, I knew I had to put my own emotions aside so that the adults around me would respect and take what I was saying. However, if I was emotional they probably would think I was reacting on emotion instead of logic. In hard times, sometimes emotion has to be taken out of the equation to take care of business.

[navigatinggrief]

The Phone Calls

At 1:30pm on December 4th my life would be changing forever. I got the call that my mom was not breathing and she had passed suddenly in her kitchen. Immediately, my friend group got into the car and drove 2 1/2 hours to Edisto Beach, SC. Over that car ride I could not stop crying. I knew I had to call my grandma, my brother and my dad first. Then, I moved on to my mom’s bestfriends, my bestfriends and anyone else I could possibly think of. I don’t even remember what I said or the order that I called anyone. That was the hardest moment.

[navigatinggrief]

About Me!

Hi! My name is Ashlee Johnstone. I am 19 years old and am originally from a suburb in Chicago, IL. I lived there for 18 years of my life. In August 2020, my mom moved from Chicago to Edisto Island, SC. Meanwhile, my Dad and twin brother, Dylan, stayed in Chicago. I go to the University of South Carolina and am a sophomore majoring in social work. Immediately, her moving south brought me and my mom closer since I was only a quick 2 1/2 hour drive to Columbia. I love to hangout with friends and watch tv shows. I also love to play volleyball. Hope you enjoy my blog :)

[navigatinggrief]

Hello!

This is my first blog post. This will be all about my journey of grieving over my mother. She recently passed in December 2021. My mom was my bestfriend and was there for me in every aspect of life. Due to this blogging my good days, my bad days, and any other situations and experiences that come across my life. I hope to not only help myself through this journey but I also hope to help others around me who might be going through the same thing!