neil-perrys-depressive-disorder

[neil-perrys-depressive-disorder]

Neil “I don’t know what it’s like to not have deep emotions. Even when I feel nothing, I feel it completely” Perry

Neil “I’m not a whole person anymore and I don’t think I ever will be. Parts of me died in the house I grew up in and I visit them in dreams” Perry

Neil “I’ve been trying to go home my whole life” Perry

Neil “I make coffee. I pretend I’m in love with the idea of being alive. I make a point not to stare at the knives sitting on the counter top by the stove” Perry

Neil “I need a life that isn’t just about needing to escape my life” Perry

Neil “Something feral inside me wants everything, craves every taste and looks everywhere. But something else, something lethargic, only desires to sleep” Perry

[neil-perrys-depressive-disorder]

normal people when their favourite character is depressed and suicidal: oh no I don’t want my favourite character to be sad :(

me: omg real, I gotta post a picture of them to tumblr and caption it “#me”

[neil-perrys-depressive-disorder]

guys pls give me songs for my neil playlist 🙏

[neil-perrys-depressive-disorder]

my new year’s resolution is to not kill myself

[neil-perrys-depressive-disorder]

to me, James Wilson is the epitome of that post where it's like "I only think about killing myself the normal amount"

and the people around him going "the normal amount is zero"

and him straight up not believing them at first

[neil-perrys-depressive-disorder]

Do you ever think Knox obsesses over when he said "I can't take it anymore. If I don't have Chris, I'm gonna kill myself." in the cave after the 15th. Because I probably would.

[neil-perrys-depressive-disorder]

todd anderson core!!! (i’ve been anxious every waking moment of my life since i was six years old)

[neil-perrys-depressive-disorder]

rip charlie dalton you wouldve loved playing kahoot in class

rip todd anderson you wouldve loved following 300 cute cat pic accounts on instagram

rip steven meeks you wouldve loved 3000 piece jigsaw puzzles

rip neil perry you wouldve loved yelling ‘HOMOPHOBIA’ at every minor inconvenience

rip gerard pitts you wouldve loved having a 900 day french streak on duolingo and still not speaking a word of french

rip knox overstreet you wouldve loved listening to christmas songs in september

rip richard cameron you wouldve loved leaving seven page reviews on every movie you watch

[neil-perrys-depressive-disorder]

“neil perry is my comfort character!” so basically you’re suicidal and have daddy issues?

[neil-perrys-depressive-disorder]

Charlie: ugh this fucking trig homework is gonna kill me

Neil, muttering: I wish the fucking trig homework would kill me…

Charlie:

Todd:

Knox:

Meeks:

Pitts:

Cameron:

Mr Keating:

Neil: I’m kidding!!! God, you try to kill yourself ONE TIME-

[neil-perrys-depressive-disorder]

do you guys ever think about the poets blaming themselves for neil’s death? if they wonder if there was something they could’ve done? because maybe they could tell neil wasn’t doing well, from the look in his eyes and the change in his smile? and what about mr keating? do you think he replays his conversation with neil, the one where he said he was trapped, over and over again in his head thinking maybe, if he had known, he couldve stopped him? because I sure as hell do.

[neil-perrys-depressive-disorder]

i see a lot of people talking about how they think neil decided/knew what he'd do in this scene here

but in all honesty i think he knew as early as this scene, and any moments prior to what we're shown in the film

regardless of what media may portray, from personal experience (though i cant speak for everyone), decisions such as neil's circumstances are not thought of lightly, and take an extended era of mentally depleting decision making to even seriously consider

look at him here, the tired look in his eyes as his father praises him only when he's finally compliant with mr. perry's persistent demands

only when his father leaves do we see him alleviate that drained look—however, he does so with this off putting smile, visibly not one with genuine comfortable intent,, its dissociative, uneasy; he's thinking of his dad ('s office)

and then he sits back and really thinks about it, sort of coming back to reality with the overall atmosphere of this scene itself … he's reconsidering (as one does), maybe not taking it as seriously since he's had these thoughts for so long

and so charlie and knox and meeks all step out, confronting him about it, and of course neil talks back about talking back and such, evidently a little jealous that they're comfortable in what their parents have laid out for them—what they're able to accomplish

he's envious because, to him, their free,, free in their choices, their future, and he wants that; yet the only way in his mind to obtain that, is through death

and here, in this part, when charlie mentions the annual, neil still replies in his harsh tone about how he "doesn't give a damn about any of it," which provokes this estranged, slightly confused look amongst the boys, deeming this as something out of character for neil

withdrawal from interests and goals is a very important sign if someone is experiencing ideation, and this is exactly what neil is doing—maybe this could percieved as simply brainwashed under his father's ideals but neil being neil (the neil who specifically went against his father's wishes for his acting passions) most likely would do this,, he himself is disconnecting.

in this final part, we see that smile again, the rest of my theorized context to it shown in the background with the expressions on each of the boys faces—this isnt like neil, and therefore they're worried

lastly, before it clips away, neil switches the subject in the height of its tension, an attempt to drag away his friends' attention from his unusual behavior

he doesn't want them to know—perhaps he himself doesn't want to know, but they all do, even if only on surface level

thank you for coming to my ted talk

[neil-perrys-depressive-disorder]

[neil-perrys-depressive-disorder]

everytime someone says "neil should've just waited until after military school to continue acting, his death was so unnecesarry" i die a little bit inside