neon-whale-19-blog

[neon-whale-19-blog]

That Moment

Do you know that moment?

1:23 a.m. after a shitty day.

There's nothing in your life to complain about or to be miserable about.

But you're miserable. 

All day long you've been down, unable to truly laugh at anything for too long. 

Forcing smile after smile trying to hide it. 

This weight. 

This force holding you down, holding you back. 

Making you gasp for air as if it were running out. 

Your heart is heavy. 

To everyone else you're pissed off, but they can't see the sadness.

Sometimes you forget why. 

All of your energy has been focused on putting her in the back of your mind. 

She's gone. 

It's over. 

You are moving on. 

She never happened. 

You need to find a way to carry on, keep on pushing, as if those moments were never. 

Most of the time you do alright. 

Then there's that moment. 

That moment you allow yourself to miss her. 

To remember her. 

You recall how she laughed. 

How she looked at you. 

How she smiled at you. 

How she held your hand. 

How she blushed. 

How well you knew her. 

How well she knew you. 

How she would remind you to look up at the moon. 

Her irrational fits of adorable rage. 

Her voice. 

How she would text you in the morning. 

How her eyes would look for you when you were in the same room, but she tried not to get caught. 

How she pronounced your name. 

This fucking sucks. 

Why am I doing this to myself? 

I hope tomorrow is better. 

Why can't I let her go?

Why did she let me go?

How has she been these few days?

I wonder if she's thought about me?

I wonder what those thoughts might have been?

Was there more than she led on?

No. She said what she meant and she meant what she said. 

I'm not for her. 

This is stupid. 

This moment is stupid. 

I just want to forget her but I don't think I will.

It's all wasted.

This sounds so emo, but it's real. 

My heart is broken. 

I just want to put this feeling out there. 

This moment. 

Maybe then it will leave me. 

[neon-whale-19-blog]

So there's this girl. And I love her. And she's THE ONE. But she's fighting me so hard. And she pushes me to the brink. And she doesn't see what I see. And sometimes my heart gets tired of fighting. Tired of beating against the current. Tired of hearing "no". Tired of hearing I don't love you. Tired of her rejection. But somehow I know. Somehow, I can't give up. If this isn't true, everything I've ever believed is wrong. And I just know I can't be wrong. So please, please, please, make me strong enough. Strong enough to hope when hope is gone. To believe when there is nothing to believe in. To dream when reality bursts through my walls like a flood. Because regardless of what she says, what she thinks, or what she believes, I follow my heart and I follow the still soft voice. I see the signs. They keep me going. So tell me no. Shatter my dreams. Destroy my hopes. If I stop believing, if I give up, I will lose myself. So I won't. I can't. Because there is much more to gain. You are much more. This is true love like I've never known it. This is everything I'm made for. For this moment. For this precipice. I will endure. I will not let the light go out. I will own the record for most times being told no before being told yes. Because I love you. Because this is it. I'm for you and you're for me. I'm sure. The odds are against me. Fortune seems to not be on my side. But I am the underdog. This is meant to be, or I am a lie. Or everything I believe is false. Or I am false. But that won't happen. You are the truth to prove all truths. My paradise. The wait is long. The wait is tough. I will endure. You will search me and find me worthy. My love, forever

[neon-whale-19-blog]

The Moon

Tonight something extraordinary happened. I was laying in bed reading when an instruction came from a friend to look at the moon. I went outside, walked downstairs and looked up and saw nothing. I walked a bit and it appeared behind me. I stared for a while until I felt compelled to get closer. I found a nice empty place on the grass to sit and stare. I thought about a lot of things. Mostly, I thought about how beautiful the moon was and how frustrating that no matter how close I get to it, it remains distant just like you. I thought about how bittersweet this made me feel and how it reminded me that some things in life are just impossible and we have to accept that. The moon sat there, bare, with clouds surrounding it, but it shone bright, untouched. As I thought about this a particle of cloud stretched out from the rest and reached out forming the shape of a closed hand with only the pointer finger sticking out. I watched and marveled as the finger got closer to the moon, slowly but quickly. It touched the moon and it wrapped itself around it. The moon was almost completely covered but only almost completely. A part remain uncovered which slowly snuck out of the cover of the cloud until it was completely free again and untouched. But a little voice whispered in my ear and my heart heard it, "impossible is nothing".

[neon-whale-19-blog]

My Songs

Sometimes I write music and I can't believe it came from me. I'm not saying that I'm amazing. Just that sometimes when I'm playing something I wrote I feel something so powerful building up inside of me that it almost brings me to tears. It's so honest and beautiful sometimes. It's almost like an out-of-body experience. I hope the world gets to hear my music someday. 

[neon-whale-19-blog]

WHY?

I created this blog because in my personal blog I'm too afraid to write everything I really think or feel. Also, because I don't want to be judged. Writing is just such a release, when I feel like I'm going to explode with thoughts, ideas, memories, hopes, dreams and fears, I need a place where I can just pour it all out without caring who is going to read it. That's it. This will be a whole lot of mental diarrhea. I will not force it. I will only write when I absolutely have to. That's what this is for. I will probably also post other random stuff here and there, even pictures, but you'll never see my face or know who I am. How fun!