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Mom

I was raised by my mom as a single parent. She had help from my grandparents, but it was basically just her and I. She and I were as close as a mother and daughter could get. Everyone loved her.....even kids that wanted to beat me up in elementary school loved her. She showed me what it was like to be a strong woman even when it would be easy to give up and quit. I know I am not as strong as she was but I try. She made sure I could do everything I wanted to do growing up. Dance lessons, Camp Fire, Summer Camp, Marching Band, a trip to Disney with my church youth group......she made sure I could do it all.

Looking back, I realized that parents raise you and teach you how do deal with almost everything life could throw at you except one thing. They never teach you how to live without them.

Years ago there was a case that made national news about a woman named Terry Schaivo. The husband wanted to take her off life support and her parents wanted to keep her on it (or maybe the other way around I can't remember). Anyway, it sparked a discussion with my mom. She was an RN and told me that if there was no chance of her waking up, or living a full life to take her off life support. Even though I didn't want to do it, I honored her wishes in 2009. It took her an hour and a half plus assurances from my cousin that the kids and I would be okay before she felt it was okay to let go.

You hear every so often about people that were in comas for months and sometimes years that wake up and live a normal life. And, even though 2 doctors told me she was brain dead, it still makes me wonder if I made the right decision. My head knows I did the right thing, but my heart still - almost 14 years later- doesn't want to accept it.

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AMEN

Healingfromptsd on instagram

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Truer words have never been written

@theopeninvite on Instagram

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Starting over again.....

I left R #1 in May of 2009. One of my closest friends helped me move out. Two days later I got a call from my mom at work saying she needed me. This was no surprise because mom had so many health problems that she was hospitalized every spring and every fall. So, I get off of work and get to my mom's house and she is barely conscious. So, I call 911 and she coded once in the ambulance and once in the ER. I called my friend who helped me move out of my ex's house (on his birthday mind you), told him that my mom was in the hospital and said he'd be right there. And he never left my side. Four days after my mom was admitted into the hospital, I had to make the gut wrenching decision to take her off of life support. My then room mate was running a daycare out of our house and she told me "don't worry about your kids, just concentrate on yourself." Come to find out, in the month I was grieving for my mother, the B*tch was dragging my oldest child around the house by his hair and cursing at all of my kids, berating them and even slapping them to get them to do what she wanted. This didn't come out til years later. The friend that helped me move out of my ex's house, R #2 never left my side. When he wasn't at work he was with me.

Later on it came out that he had been in love with me for a very long time. Since we had both just come out of bad marriages, we decided to take things slow. My divorce was finalized in September of 2009 and he moved in with me after my ex room mate moved out in November of the same year. The ex room mate was such a B*tch that she told everyone who would listen that I "killed my mother". When I asked her why all she could say was "I was angry with you". Ok, call me a B*tch, a C*nt even. But DO NOT accuse me of killing my mother when I had to make the terrible decision to take her off life support. Needless to say, we do not talk anymore. Every time she finds me on social media I hit the block button REAL fast.

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Which is why I avoid the news like the plague.

Crazyheadcomics

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Single Parenting - short lived.

If you are lucky like I was and became a single parent, you have a good support system. Not only did I move in with my grandmother, but my mom stepped in to help a lot.

D and I lived together with my grandma or "Na-na" as she was called for almost 3 years. Then I met R #1 who would end up adopting D when he was old enough to say he wanted to be adopted. R #1 was just the man I needed in my life at that time. Ex M P in the Army and a reserve police officer in a near by town. I needed a man to help me feel safe and secure. R gave me back my sense of self and made me feel loved no matter how many mistakes I made. In 2000, we moved in together and were married in 2001. in June of 02' my second son C was born. The boys were my prides and joy. When C was born, his dad really stepped up to help. He would get up early in the morning so mommy could sleep in, change diapers, and never showed any favorites between my beautiful boys. They were R's boys and they knew it. Then in 04' we found out I was pregnant again. Because it was a 2 bedroom apartment we had to move. Thankfully we found a cute farmhouse in the country. The pregnancy was a little hard. I was supposed to be put on bed rest, but had no one to help me. So I pushed on as good as I could. Depression began to set in and I kept it to myself. No one wanted to hear it. I was a mom! And mom's were supposed to do it all!

January of 05' our sweet baby girl C was born. She was such a good and beautiful baby. She was so much smaller than her brothers at birth that I was afraid I would hurt her. She was only 7 pounds 15 ounces ( compared to her brothers who were both over 9 pounds).

Life was good at the house until life decided to start smacking us in the face. IN 07, my ex lost his sister to brain cancer. My dear grandmother passed away in 08' at the age of 92. That was a rough one because I had no support from my then husband. He was there for the kids, but couldn't me there for me because he was still grieving for his sister (and told me exactly that). By this time, I had shut down emotionally. I still took care of our kids as best as I could while grieving, but I had closed the door on our marriage. I feel bad, because it was at this point in our marriage that we were fighting a lot. I'm sure that's all the boys remember -- mom and dad fighting as soon as they went to bed. But I tried.

By this time I was a gas station attendant in town and I had some great co-workers. Once again I had a very low self esteem and felt that no one would ever love me again. due to a lack of a dependable babysitter, I was talking to my boss (who happened to be a good friend) and telling him about what was going on at home. While we were talking, one of the girls nearby said "You deserve better", and then the strangest thing happened..... a very sweet 19 or 20 year old co worker named D said to me while looking me in the eyes "Yes you do". It was then and there I realized that even though I was in my 30's it wouldn't be the end of the world if I had to start over. That's when I made my plans to leave.

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Getting Older

When you are a teenager, you can't wait to grow up. Your mom tells you that you will regret not enjoying your life as a young person. You start laughing and tell her I want to grow up and live my life. Boy I should have listened to mom. My mom was a single parent from the time I was 4 on. I should have known that she knew what she was talking about. With the help of my grandparents she raised me. Mom and grandma were two of the strongest women I have ever known.

I just turned 50 and man life is not as easy as I thought it would be. I developed severe depression in 1986, after my my very best friend from passed away from Cystic Fibrosis. My grandfather, the only father figure I had ever known passed away in 1991. In 1992, I marry a man that looking back I didn't love. I only married him was because my first love was already married and I was trying to move on. We divorced in 1993.....separating after only 4 months as husband and wife.

1993, My first love is going through a divorce at the same time I am so, we lean on each other. He and I were best friends in high school and we had picked up where we left off. He came home from the Gulf war pretty messed up and I was there for him, giving reassurance that everything would be okay. We date until 1995 when I get pregnant with our son D We get married in January of 1996 and our beautiful son was born in June of 1996. Everything was going well until he starting to abuse me. We separated February of 1997. We still went to counseling to try to save our marriage, I had left our home and, with my son, moved in to my grandma's house. Our marriage was over when he struck me with our son in the back seat. December 23rd or 24th of 1997 everything was finalized. So much for the promise that everything would be okay. I feel like I failed our "In sickness and in heath" vows of marriage.

Did I still love him? of course I did. However, I had to choose safety of myself and my child was more important than love. I had many friends who watched daddy beat up mommy I vowed that was never going to happen to my child. I would protect him at all costs.

He was never the same after he came home from Saudi. Come to find out he was verbally abused by his superiors and developed PTSD, but also came into contact with chemicals that really messed him up.

You know, a divorce is almost like a loved one dying. What you once had is gone, but the person you're grieving for is still alive. That is the biggest mind f*ck the universe can give you. Grieving for the person you fell in love with not being the same person, but his body hasn't changed, physically he is still the same.

I wouldn't find out til later that I had Battered woman's syndrome and PTSD from the abuse. My ex #2? He is 52 years old living in a group home because the WAR messed him up so bad that he can't take care of himself anymore. This breaks my heart but what can you do but live your life to the best possible no matter how heart breaking it might be to do. So, as 25 years old in addition to my depression, I also had PTSD and battered woman's syndrome. A lot to deal with as a newly, single parent.

Thankfully my mom and grandma helped me until D was 3. More on that next post.