nevthoughts

[nevthoughts]

Farm girl/Hunters wife regression

I was a young girl in the 1900 period on a farm. I had really long hair and I was plaiting it to the side. It was strawberry blonde but more on the reddish side  There were two horses, chickens and massive open land,. I was a very confident horse rider which is interesting because I’ve always been scared of horses ( in this time ) even as a child my mum said she took me horse riding and I wanted to get off really quickly. As an adult, I find it hard to even look a horse in the eye. But at the same time I hate seeing them hurt.  I can’t watch horse races, I hate when anyone harms them, yet when I’m near one i find it hard to look at them, it provokes a physical resistance in me its so strange LOL.

But in this regression being on horses was just a part of life. I was in the field picking flowers and oranges. I was married and we’d be out on the horses together quite often. Then I saw a baby, well baby fingers at first and my hands, I was then holding this baby on my lap he was quite chunky and I kissed his cheek. I was then in the field again by myself and the sun was full beam I had the baby in a sling type thing and I was hugging him. My husband then came along again, he had a riffle, he was a hunter, he walked up to his smiling and waving  He was older, I’d say even in his 30s. He was my best friend - I felt that strongly, we were a package lol. Then we were on horses again (horses were a big thing here lol) and I was pregnant again but still riding, the husband was behind me on another horse with our son who was around 4. This land was ours.

I then remember being back at the house, or the barn, it was quite a long place as in there were loads of different parts to this one farm. I remember seeing an elderly woman, she had long grey hair, brown eyes, dressed in white, smiley woman, felt like a grandma figure. Sometimes she would have her hair straight down and other times it would be in a loose ponytail. I had images of her moving something around with her hands, don’t know if that was washing or cooking but she done a lot with her hands.

I was then giving birth to my second child, I was very young and by young I mean not even in mid 20s. My husband wasn’t there he was out shooting and he had taken one of the horses. Some women from the farm where in the room with me. Before all of this, earlier on when it first started, I saw myself outside doing something on the farm and feeling as if I was being watched. Fast forward to birthing the second child, who was also a boy, I knew my husband got shot while out on the horse, I then saw myself and the other women running outside and a random man was shot an arrow in to one of the other horses and I went out to run to it but the other women were holding me back.

The life before that I was a child, around pre-teen years, I was bare foot and there were quite a few other children. I was in a big open field and our house was at the very top, a small white house. My dad in this time was also out on the field with us and gestured for us to run back up the hill and come back inside. He was very light-hearted, cheerful, my mum in this life time had a very sad energy about her. I think my dad in that life was a big personality, dominant, he was very much in charge of us kids - I get the sense my mum here didn’t want the life she had.

I then had to stop because I started feeling pressure in the middle of my head lol

[nevthoughts]

5 Lessons from 5 years being single

This year will mark 5 years since I’ve been in a relationship. I’m not sure if that was intentional, I know I simply became uninterested in purposely seeking a new relationship after my last one ended, but I’ve also not just fell in to something either. Maybe COVID was to blame  or maybe it just hasn’t felt like something I really needed to do. 

Something I have become more aware of recently is how young I actually was when I started being in ‘relationships’ (if you can call them that as a teenager lol) and how intense they were, too much for my developing brain. It then carried on like that in to my early 20s. I would just fall in to things - which is also a lot easier to do when you’re in school/college and uni. The years of always being around people makes it hard not to end up in something with someone...But from this starting at (I’d say a relatively young) age and just falling in to things, they were never going to bring any good or do any good for my wellbeing and development which they didn’t and to be honest never really have. I remember talking to a friend a few years ago and she said something that was a big “woah” moment - which was “I just think you’ve never actually been treated nicely in the relationships you have had, so it makes sense why you probably aren’t as bothered because why would you want to possibly experience that all again - TRUTH.

I look back now on my teenage years/teen self and think yeah, you really should not have been in those situations. I fully understand why some parents have age restrictions for their children on when they can start exploring relationships. I only realised this had become a pattern that carried on in to my early 20s in the last year. Also in the last year I’ve started to feel more open to a relationship in the near future - the moment of realising “actually, yeah... I do want to find someone and settle down” - was both cringe and liberating. My brain feeling ready to be open to the idea of relationship again is a sign I’m moving through past hurt. I never want the relationships I’ve had in the past, I cannot have the same thing repeating. I realised the way I could help this (hopefully lol) not happen again was to explore who I actually am before presenting myself to another person. That wasn’t happening when I was a teenager. Mixed in with other things going on, finding out who I was (outside of boys lol) and actually just other people in general, I was very “them” focused and who I was didn’t seem as important.. I’d say when you reach the late 20s/early 30s, you do have to show up with a good knowing of who YOU are, what do YOU enjoy, what hobbies do YOU have - and the other person is bringing the same. I feel we should compliment another persons life, not become everything in it, which also requires feeling secure in self. Anyway, to the main point of this; 5 short lessons I have learnt from being single for 5 years:

1. Sometimes it is you! (sometimes it was me) I can look back on every relationship I’ve had and realise there’s always something I done that contributed to making something worse or something in the way I was, was not beneficial to the other person or the relationship. I also noticed that before each of these relationships, my intuition was screaming at me - I knew it wouldn’t end well or something about them was off - honestly, every single time and every single time I was right - so, that’s me not listening to myself > that’s a me problem.

2. “a wise man learns from others mistakes”

I’ve seen many relationships over these past five years and I’ve been able to mentally take note of things I know I will 100% be avoiding and the things I quite like and would like to put in/see in my own relationships. I have never grown up around a solid relationship - they are quite foreign to me. I’m an only child so I don’t have anyone before me therefore the people around me have become my point of reference - “take a bit of this, defo leaving that, I like how they do this, I will not be OK with that” etc lol

3.  Being single means I have more to give to friends & family

Being the single friend has meant I am able to babysit, show up speedily for friends going through a difficult time and able to help out more at work. One thing I have noticed/personally felt about relationships is that they seem to become quite insular, I have enjoyed being able to show up for various people and having the time to help.

4. Its quite nice only having to think of myself

I’m an easy-going person and compromise isn’t something I find difficult but it really is nice not having to do it lol! I wanna do something? Ok, off I go! 5. I owe my teenage self the time to explore fun & joy

Of course these things can be done with another but relationships require the capacity to give to someone else (guess this ties in with number 4) - but this is something I’ve felt I’ve always been doing - it always them before me. I don’t know where that came from or why that was my default setting but others have always been more important compared to giving to myself. I remember another friend once telling me “treat yourself sometimes!” after getting her a random gift. I owe it to that 14 year old to find out what really lights her/me/us up... Who knows who I’ll meet along the way!

For some reason, I’ve really wanted to buy roller-skates.

[nevthoughts]

Ostracization, Personal accounts of being excluded & the impacts. How young people could avoid using exclusion.

On the Other Side 

This is not a story to shine a bad light on those involved, or a story to present myself as an angel, rather a very in depth, honest account of personal experiences of being ostracized, the impacts and how young people could approach situations with a more whole thinking approach rather than viewing them and people,  as this or that. Ostracization is painful and has lasting effects. I’m still dealing with the feelings from it almost 15 years later. 

Part 1 - The backstory 

Let's go back to May 2009. I had one best friend in my school and the others were from another school over the hill. We had been friends for almost three years at this point (12/13-15 almost 16). I feel like they were the girls I came into my teenage years with - I don’t have any sisters - they were the ones who got me into handbags and high heels.  We’d spend weekends together. Halloween parties. NYE. Parks. Wherever and whenever, we would be together. Lots of others would often come along and join, it was quite a mixed matched group and I was part of it.  

One of the girls who went to the same school as the others (for the sake of easy reading, I will refer to her as “Lily”) had started seeing a boy in my year, at my school, who I’ll refer to as John. Over the years I’ve come to realize how complex the group was - because while I felt close to x,y,z and considered them my best friends (and while they might have seen me as the same) - they were also close with Lily, more so than I was.

 I don’t remember ever spending one on one time with her - I don’t remember ever speaking to her much outside of group situations. We never developed a one on one bond, the way I had with others.  John, unbeknown to me, and probably Lily and the others involved, had started testing the waters with his player hat on. My view on John until this point had been a good one. He wasn’t in the popular group. He wasn’t the type to just try and get in your knickers. I’d seen first hand, on many occasions, literally in person, being a third wheel to him and another girl, another friend at my school, when we were in year 8, that he was sweet. I vividly remember him showing up with balloons, flowers and a teddy for her on Valentines. I had no reason to be wary of him prior 2009 and I’m sure Lily didn’t either.

I’d heard a few weeks before, from one of my best friends in the group that they had been seeing each other. Then I didn’t hear much else. I then vividly remember he had started messaging me - we’d actually started speaking not long before but fell out - (this was to become common between us.) I then also vividly remember talking to the same best friend about it and asking if he and Lily were still meeting up. I was told she didn’t think anything was still going on. He then started messaging me more frequently & was initiating wanting to meet outside of school. I remember replying and saying I don’t think it’s a good idea because not long ago he had been seeing Lily. His reply was “we don’t even chat anymore but ok”. I remember this day because I was locked out and it was boiling hot - I was sitting on my doorstep waiting for my mum to get home.

 (this period of time was so strange because as I clearly remember sitting on the doorstep, I also clearly remember not feeling the group (or who I considered my best friends in the group) were as close around this time I don’t know what was going on - or maybe that was the start of me being phased out. It also highlights that Lily and I were not close… Because I know if we were close in any way, I’d not only know accurately what was going on with her and this guy, directly from her, but he wouldn’t even be messaging me because he’d know she knew and like I said, this was his player tryouts)

I didn’t reply to his text. We had games/PE the following Thursday and for some reason, maybe because it was our last year, every group in the year were at the fields. We were doing separate activities - by that I mean, he was actually playing football and I was walking around while teachers told me to do something. I ended up sitting on the field with a few others and he came over mid football and told me to watch his blazer and bag. 

Pause and rewind for a minute. Vital piece of information leading up to all of this. That February of 2009, he was messaging me, I think this was before Lily. He was also still close to my other friend at the same school (valentines girl). He didn’t want her knowing that we had been texting. He was being sexual so I told the girl. Even though she had a boyfriend herself at the time (???) She didn't like it. So she questioned him. He didn’t like that I told her…  he REALLY didn’t like it. I vividly remember him looking at me, pointing and wagging his finger and saying ‘Ok… ok I see you I see you’. As I’ve tried to make sense of this time, when I look back I feel like from this day he had a vendetta against me. I knew he had a spiteful side to him and I knew he had it in him to make someone else feel what he felt “so now you know how it feels” kind of energy. 

Not because I’d experienced that from him before, because like I said, he was a nice guy in my eyes - but that day he knew I’d told valentines girl about the messages, I remember feeling my gut tightening and there was a vindictive aura about him in that moment. At this point we had been in the same RE class. When this happened I remember seeing him out of the corner of my eye just staring directly at me for a good 5 seconds.

Part 2 - May Day

I can’t remember how we came to start talking again but we did, I’d say a month later, so March.  (obviously this was before anything with him and Lily began, I didn’t even know they knew each other at this point, before the games field day (in May) etc). Long story short, that week of being at the games field and the first time we’d spoken since his last “we don’t even chat anymore” text - he was at mine that Sunday. We had sex  It all happened very quickly - it felt like he arrived and then he went. He was calling me frigid because I wouldn’t sit on top of him on the sofa. I got up to get the TV remote, he partially got up, leaned over and  gave me a wedgie, he pulled me over by my knickers to where he was sitting and basically put me on top of him.

By letting him come over that Sunday, I also fell into his vendetta trap. This was his chance to ‘make me feel how he felt’ - I don’t think this had anything to do with Lily - he was on his own mission to get me back in some way and he succeeded.  Also, lets just piece this together - there was me, Lily, valentines girl from my school and a good few others he was rotating in terms of speaking to and bringing into his player arena. Typical teenage boy. He was succeeding in all areas. I’d also like to give a reminder that we were all only 15 - but I’ll come back to that point near the end. 

Trauma brain goes two ways - you block it out or you remember everything clearly. This has stayed in my head for almost 15 years - that Sunday was May 3rd. It was a bank holiday so we weren’t at school that Monday. Tuesday 5th May - within 6 hours of being at school, my reality completely changed. Before I carry on I will say I understand we were ALL still children and I don’t think anyone involved is a bad person. I’m sure it would have been handled differently as adults. 

Ostracizing can happen at any age but I do think it happens particularly in youth and especially in the teen years. 

Part 3 - “Everyone knows”

My regret from his day is not telling my best friend what had happened. John had told me not to tell anyone (once again, repeat of the texts in February) he also thought I could be pregnant (ridiculous because protection was used, no idea why he had that thought going in his head) - he had told me I needed to get the morning after pill but go by myself. Pick up what was going on? He was already trying to isolate me - everything had to be secret, I had to go and do these things by myself. I had already picked up another side of him beforehand & maybe subconsciously I didn’t want to feel that gut tightening feeling again.

That lunchtime I was sitting in the lunch hall with my best friend. I still hadn’t mentioned anything. We then looked over to the tills and saw the popular boys in our year looking at us smiling and pointing. I remember her saying to me what are they looking at and smiling at… They started to walk over, still smirking ear to ear - I knew at that point. Before they got to the table I remember starting to piece it together and was trying to whisper to my best friend I have to tell you something, I remember I had my head down and was saying ‘omg’ to myself - but they reached the table, stood there and said his name.

They stood there, next to me and said “John yeah?” while grinning. I asked them how they knew. To which one replied “everyone knows”. At that exact point, I looked out the window because I was facing it and saw John go up to another boy in our year and fist bump him.  I’d never felt so enraged by a fist bump before. 

I got up, left my food, and marched out to confront him.  I asked him what’s going on? How Come everyone knows - he then blamed his friend and his friend gladly took it.

I confronted the friend and told him don’t just say yes because he’s telling you to. But he said he was the one who told everyone. To this day I know that was bullshit. 

That same lunchtime I knew I had to tell some other girls at my school, who were best friends with Lily, they’d all known each other since primary. I wanted to tell them before someone else did. My best friend and I got to the fields, we sat down, we were all in a circle, I announced I had to tell them something, took a really deep breath, I still remember it, and said “I slept with John”. The impact this would have on my friendships with the other girls who were closer to Lily than I was,  hit me. I felt their disbelief & shock at that moment. I completely understand feeling protective over someone you’ve known basically your whole life.  I started receiving texts from Lily, all lunchtime and most of the day actually, calling me a slag, telling me I’ll be nothing in my life, telling me I was just used for sex and that’s all I was good for. I remember walking back to tutor when the bell rang and feeling everything unravelling but no-one wanted to listen to me - the foundations I knew were shaking. One of the girls at my school, ½ who was close to Lily, was walking into the building. Our tutor rooms were opposite each other, I wanted to speak to her but as I approached her she said “Nevada no I can’t speak to you right now I can’t believe what you did”. At this moment, I knew I had no one. I remember the end of the day there was a group of us, including John, someone had mentioned that Lily and the others didn’t want to speak to me anymore and John replied, calmly, “That’s raw, well you know who your friends are now” (over the years I’ve heard this many times and it annoys me - because, they were my friends, I loved these girls and they had been my belonging - telling someone “they’re not good friends” does nothing - because - regardless, losing them was painful).

I remember leaving school that day. I left by myself. I forgot something so I had to go back. Remember, by the end of the day, everyone in my year knew and some people from the year below and some from the year above. As I was walking back in I saw some people from my year. They were talking to each other as we were getting closer but as I passed they all looked at me and stopped talking.  I can still feel how I felt as that happened. I knew in my gut, this was going to be really bad and I’m alone in it.

I got home and one of the girls in the group, who I had considered one of my best friends, was online on MSN. I wanted to speak to her about what happened and her reply was basically what the other girl at my school had said. I was then also blocked. It very quickly became obvious that I was no longer part of the group. I had sent an apology via text to Lily and got nothing back.  I couldn’t escape it. I went back to dance around this time. I returned to my old dance school to start again with tap. There were two girls there who also went to the same school as the group. One evening we were all in the hall, I was putting on my tap shoes and from the corner of my eye I could see them standing near each other, muttering something and looking at me. Once I had finished with my shoes I asked them what they were talking about. They shrugged it off as nothing and I said well you were looking at me and muttering something so what is it? They then said oh its nothing we just heard xyz talking about you today at lunchtime. I wanted to escape it all at the dance hall! 

I was with two other girls over that summer period, (this ties in with another story later on) we were in Mcdonalds when two from the group had noticed me and came directly to me in the queue. Demanding I go outside and apologize to Lily. I said no because I’d already apologized and got nothing back if she wanted to speak. I'm willing. Suddenly it started getting more rowdy and (because I talk with my hands) and we were in a small space in the queue, one girl shouted “stop moving your hands in my fucking face, give me one reason why I shouldn’t punch you right now”. The two other girls I was with stepped in and as the girl from the group walked away she shouts “You always act so innocent but I always knew you were a little hoe I won’t hesitate to punch you right now”. 

Not long after that I would receive text messages while they were altogether with things like “Do you think you deserve to get beaten up”, I’d reply with “What for?” and the reply would be “For what you did to Lily”. No idea if the others knew that was being said, but I knew they were physically together on that night. At this point in time I had no friends. They were my friends, I didn’t have anyone else. Over the years I’ve had a lot of inner negative thoughts around that… “If I didn’t do what I’d done then I’d be out with them right now” etc. That summer they all went on their first group holiday together. This is when Facebook started being used as documenting photos of where everyone is. I remember being at home, in my room, greasy hair, PJS on, seeing all the photos of them on holiday. The shame of what I had done started to kick in around that point. This continued for years. 

On reflection, I’ve come to realize that myself and Lilly (and the other girls who John was rotating) were  in the same game with him and were obviously being fed two very different things. Maybe I was naive to believe when he said they didn’t speak anymore, but I had also been told by a trusted friend that she didn’t think anything was going on - it was also not premeditated to sleep with him when he did come over - hence why I initially shut things down with the text - but no one wanted to hear what I had to say.  It was treated as a black and white situation and the resolve was to eliminate me from the group. It was only seen as “You had sex with the boy Lily was seeing, how could you” - without hearing the other side being “My knowledge was that it had stopped and nothing became of it”. Maybe that’s the part of being excluded that hurts the most - no one being interested in your voice  and the other side of the story. Because if I was given the opportunity to speak with her, I’m sure we quickly would have realized we’re just pawns in the same game and he was getting away with what was doing not only to us but other girls that were involved too. There is nothing more powerful than two girls coming together to let a boy know we won’t be part of his game.

There’s no dismissing the fact that Lily was hurt/upset/angry and that’s understandable being it could have been more than what I knew it to be but a whole group completely shutting someone out, for good, isn’t the way to go about it. Especially because, let’s be honest, no one was an angel, no one was and is The Virgin Mary, others were just able to keep their shit in the dark.

It’s also funny as the years have gone on and I mention to people in my year “the thing that happened at the end of school” because I assume everyone else remembers the way I do  - they have zero memory of it. Their reply is “I’m sure people aren’t bothered about it anymore” and probably no one cares  - then I realize well yeah, of course, because the ostracizing didn’t happen to them. The point about everyone  being 15 and basically children is valid for everyone involved. We were all reacting with brains that were not fully developed, hormones and feelings all over the place & beliefs that may be different now as adults. The only part that I feel is different between me being 15 and everyone else involved being 15, is that they were 15/16 and had each other, I was 15/16 and was alone. 

From that evening of May 5th 2009, my place in that group was gone. By the end of June, another group started to form. Again, I was part of it.

Part 4 - Random formation

While that happened from May 5th, GCSES were also just beginning. At the time this actually helped take my mind off it a bit. As they were coming to an end, another group was starting to form. This time it was people from my school, in my year. A very random group of people, I still have no idea how we all came together. But we all got on. 

One of the boys in this group had been friends with John, on and off throughout school. They weren’t as close, again just to my knowledge, as school was coming to an end. I will refer to him as Luke. Me and Luke got on really, really well. He ended up being my prom date. I’m sure you can imagine the conversations this caused with everyone else. I vividly remember a few of us walking back from prom, we were all just wandering around tbh, because we could. Late at night, another boy in our year bumped into us and we were standing there talking. He was literally best friends with John but they also fell out around this time but he said to me “How you gonna sleep with John then get close to Luke” - so, yeah, you can see how that was viewed. The double standards were also there - I was a part of John’s player game - and nothing more. What did I owe him? 

Anyway, we spent the remainder of summer together before we were all off to college or going to sixth form. BBQS, shisha cafes, parks, each other's houses, these were two of the girls who were in Mcdonalds with me earlier on  - I was part of a group again. But it wouldn’t last.

Part 5 - I like him but…

Nothing happened with me and Luke beyond kissing. While I felt like I owed nothing to John, I didn’t want to be close to anyone beyond that. My experience with John had started to change how I saw sex and how I saw myself related to sex. I didn’t want to go through something like that again, especially not two months after. (looking back it’s crazy to think I had only just turned 16 at this point) I really liked him though, but sometimes he was a bit cheesy - which was soon to be known by him. One afternoon on MSN, one of the girls in this new group, I’ll refer to her as Grace, asked me how I felt about Luke. I told her I really liked him but sometimes he was a bit cheesy. She found it hilarious. I said it without much thought. A few days later, I got panic messages on MSN. It was Grace. She told me Luke and another boy from the group had been on her laptop while she was in the shower and they had seen the conversation where I said I liked Luke but he was sometimes cheesy...He was pissed off. I didn’t see them for a week. Myself and Luke had stopped talking once he read that. I messaged him to apologise. Grace encouraged me to still meet with them and told me it wasn’t that big of a deal. So I did. It was awkward, Luke and I were able to be around each other though, we just didn’t really speak. 

Part 6 - Ali G in Da House

We would often go to one guy's house - it was our meeting place. We chilled and drank there often. Not a random guy, he was also part of the group. This afternoon there were more of us. Similar to the other group, people would randomly just join on. Myself and Luke still weren’t talking but we could be around each other. One of the girls from school, who had been close to Lily since she was younger, was also there on this particular day. She’d always seemed to remain OK with me - but I was reminded she wasn’t in my corner. I had told her that a guy from our year messaged me, I’ll refer to him as Ben. (backstory: me and Ben had always spoken, we’d always have a laugh, there was never going to be more to it) - I mentioned it because I hadn’t heard from him since school had finished. The message was flirty. Not long after someone said they were going to the shop so a bunch of us went along. Luke included. I left my phone on the conservatory table.

 The shop from the guy's house wasn’t even 10 minutes away. We were gone for about 20. When we got back, the guy saw Luke and said I need to speak to you… He then looked at me and said “tut tut”. Everything had changed in that house. Energy wise. 

Something was off. I knew it was something to do with me. Though no one was saying anything. I realized I had left my phone and asked where it was, because I remember leaving it on the table. One of the girls said “oh it went off, your mum called, we didn't answer it’s near the window”.  So I go and get it, sit back down. Was very silent. This carried on for about an hour, I knew it was a long time because it started to get dark and someone said let’s go outside for a bit and everyone went into the garden. It was pitch black by this point. One of the boys then started playing a song about slags. I was laying there (we were laying on the grass) and again, I had a gut feeling, this is something to do with me. Another one of the boys then said “one of them is right here” - in response to the song lyrics with slag in it and a few of them laughed. I then got up to go and check my phone and as I got up one of them said “You gonna text Ben?”. This is part of my brain that must have semi-shut down because I don’t remember what I said after that, I just remember shouting in the garden saying “Listen to me” I was ANGRY because they were talking over me, making jokes. I wanted to figure out how they even saw my messages.

I can’t remember how I came to find out that they had gone through my phone while I was at the shop but I remember being angry. The boy whose house it was, was telling me to stop shouting because the neighbours have kids… I do vividly remember my reply being “I don’t give a shit let's wake the whole street up” 

I remember making my way out of the conservatory because by this point we were all cramped in, making my way to the toilet, my god I was so angry, I know I was half not there in my head space because I only have tiny flickers of being near the toilet with my hands on my head shouting at one of the girls who was trying to calm me down saying “They looked through my phone how do they think that’s OK, I’m going home where’s my shoes” and she was saying “I’m not letting you walk home by yourself, wait 20 minutes my mum is coming she will drop you home” The reason for such uproar about Ben texting me was because in their eyes it wasn’t fair to Luke. I remember one girl shouting over to Luke saying “Don’t you can do better” There was nothing going on with Luke. There was nothing going on with Ben. There was nothing going on with me and anyone. I was being 16 the same way everyone else was.

I ended up staying until the girl's mum came. As fast as it all happened, as fast as they all then acted like it didn’t and decided to put on Ali G. I sat there for 20 minutes with the same people who had invaded my privacy, called me a slag, and justified looking through someone's phone… I purposely wasn’t laughing at Ali G. I remember watching it very blankly and I was up & gone as soon as the girl's mum was outside. 

I wish I just walked home. 

Part 7 - On The Other Side

A few days after that, Luke, Grace and another boy said we should have a group call. To talk about what happened. It wasn’t a conversation though, it was them basically telling me how wrong I was, making jokes, while I sat on the other end silently and realizing that again, for the second time in a 3 month period, I was being excluded in a group. I hung up and we didn’t speak after that. 

This happened in the middle of August. A few weeks before we were going off to college/sixth form. I started college in September and to this day I look back at college with such joy. I feel very lucky for the people I met and I am so glad we were together for that period of time. Yet outside of that, I was still witnessing the groups I was no longer a part of. What then started happening was both groups, people from my school, people from the other school had started, somehow, all coming across each other and becoming friends. In December of 2009, my high school was holding a boat party for sixth formers. They could invite people from outside. I bumped into one of John's close girl friends on my way home from college. She had become close to Lily and some others from the group. She asked if she’ll be seeing me at the boat party and I said probably not… To which she replied “Yeah probably the best idea, don’t want you getting thrown overboard” - it was said in a comical manner - but it highlighted how both groups then viewed me. 

It felt like there were two islands. One island had everyone on it, the groups in my year and the groups from the other school and everyone in between, they were all mingling together. The other island was just me and I could see them, I could hear them but no-one cared about me on my island because they had each other on theirs.  

They were part of something that I couldn’t be involved in, because they didn’t want me there.  People might come over to my island from time to time, see how I am, but they’d always go back because it was fun there and it made them look bad interacting with me for too long. 

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That’s how ostracization feels. When our first resort is to exclude someone rather than giving them a chance to be heard and listened to as a valued human being, they are alone on the island - on the other side.  They can be around others, they can make new friends, but the feelings of being excluded will stick. Like I said, excluding people can happen at any age, in any environment, from any situation, but I do think it starts in childhood/teenage years and these are the ages where it has the most damage.  When our brains are still developing, when our survival is based on the group, our identity is so closely tied in with our peers. I completely understand at those ages, the need to stay with the group. It feels like a threat to survival if you don’t. Around these ages our friends become more influential and take priority even over our parents.  I actually went back to seeing John again early in 2010 - and that carried on for a few years on and off. His behaviour towards me didn’t get any better (why would it!) this definitely came from a place of “well I’ve lost everyone now so what else is there to lose” it was quite self destructive but it also meant, when he did come and see me, I wasn’t by myself on my island for a brief period of time.

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I listened to Sam Vaknin talking about people being ostracized & it being the main feeling and experience humans want to avoid. He mentioned an old story where if someone had to choose between not having food or not having friends, they’d most likely choose not having food. I remember my 21st birthday, I went out with my mum, dad and mums friend. At the same place were a group of girls and their mums, celebrating them graduating. I remember being on the dance floor, with my mum (lol) and seeing the girls dancing together. I remember at that moment getting that pang feeling of “I never had that and I wish I did” but I’m there with my mum!

There are more effective ways of handling situations that do not include shutting people down and out. As previously mentioned, we were ALL only 15/16 and I’m sure… I hope… as adults these situations would have been dealt with differently. 

Here are some ideas on what to do instead of exclusion: 

Express what’s annoyed/upset you - this gives the other person the chance to understand what’s happened for you. They also then have a chance to explain what happened for them and usually you’ll find it isn’t as black & white as it seems. Going even deeper, you may come to find it’s all just one big misunderstanding. 

Let things be spoken about with just you and them. No one else needs to be involved. Groups are powerful forces and they can sway opinions and beliefs. 

Understand that you too, are not ‘all good’ as a person. Throughout these experiences I felt like I was held up in a strange way in the sense that whatever I did was seen as really bad. The ages we were, everyone was exploring and having experiences - when I did anything, the light shone and judgment was everywhere. I also became very aware quite early on that people thought up an idea or image of me in their mind and put that on me as if that was the belief I had about myself  - they thought I saw myself as “an angel”  or I acted in ways that gave off I’m innocent. When you aren’t someone who’s loud and you don’t step into a room with people already knowing who you are, people want to fill in the gaps in your quietness. They assign things to you to make themselves more comfortable  - so when I did something that people saw as an opportunity to be like “see you aren’t innocent” - they took it ten fold.

 I’ve never thought those things about myself - like every other human being - I am never all good or all bad. When you are able to sit with someone and see them as a whole human being - yes you can be angry, upset with them but when you can see yourself in them because you know we’re all made up of many facets and that you too are still growing, you are capable of giving them the time of day and not just saying “you’re an arsehole goodbye”.  

This also doesn’t mean you have to continue the relationship - but just by giving them the time to say their part, it reduces the likelihood of things festering. Festering can lead to shame. 

Shame is a disease. 

—----------------

I still have and hold many fond memories from my time with both groups. I’m still able to be grateful for when things were good and the fun memories that came from that. I know everyone involved has become well-rounded adults who are doing well for themselves. I’ve recently thought about why exclusion or separation, maybe they’re similar, hurt so much, outside of our need to belong and be accepted and I came to the conclusion that it’s because of the love that was there which never got the chance to grow .I want to have hope that they would deal with situations like this very differently now using an adult brain. I too, would have handled things differently. Over the years I have been able to recognise my own patterns of  behaviour that lead me into negative situations. I’m aware I tend to do this thing where I will stand my ground and walk away from someone/a situation that may not have my best interest at heart but then it’s like my brain switches off and one day I’m right back in it. I can see this was present right from high school.  

Maybe teenage brains are supposed to act based on feeling and hormones going all over the place.  Exclusion is not the answer though - long term, nothing good comes from leaving that person on the island on the other side. Returning to therapy is on the cards for me. I am not carrying this with me for another 15 years.

Be kind, 

Exclusion resolves nothing,

We all deserve the chance to understand & be understood.

[nevthoughts]

False awakening, Shooting

Being the single cat mother I am I often wake up quite early because my cats want food and then fall back to sleep (jobless vibes) - but I didn’t actually realise the dream I had during my second sleep cycle was actually a dream. 

I thought I was listening to the news on TV but I was also a part of what was actually going on, like my conscious mind thought this is just something I’m hearing from the news because I fell asleep with the TV on but my dream mind was actually where the event was happening. 

So there was a big show it was night time, it was a female rapper, Lil Kim is who I felt it was. She was doing a big outdoor show. To get to the stage she had to walk down a “slope” and then she would reach the stage and perform. She ended up getting shot as she reached the stage. So knowing she had been shot was where my mind thought it was just something I heard on TV but then I was actually there when everyone was coming around her, shouting for help, was obviously very chaotic (added: actually being there I literally mean on the stage I was kneeling right behind her head when she was on the stage floor and there was a woman to the right of me near Lil Kims legs who was telling everyone else around to get help. She was wearing a white blaxer as was Lil Kim, I think it was white dress code theme) Then they were interviewing a young girl who had been near the stage and saw everything happen as Lil Kim was shot and the girl was so upset she was understandably very traumatised and I remember “watching” the interview but again it was like I was also there because I remember watching the interview happen and feeling how upset she was and wanting to give her a hug. Then I woke up and realised the TV was actually on teleshopping. 

[nevthoughts]

One armed man, Secret doors

I fell asleep earlier today, after waking up at 7AM and going for a walk, I think my body decided it wanted some more kip!

I ended up having one of the most vivid dreams I have had in a while. I cannot remember everything in sequence but here’s what I do remember:

I was with my cousin and we had sat down to start watching a film. It wasn’t at the cinema, we were in a building. They felt like ‘dorm’ rooms. Most of the rooms upstairs were bedrooms and the rest were rooms for other uses. I remember me and my cousin were sitting on the left side of the room. It wasn’t like a usual cinema room where everyone is facing the screen, you could sit whereever you liked. So we were sat against the wall but higher up. Maybe we were sitting on the top of a sofa, I can’t work that one out. Anyway, I remember the film rolling, my cousin laughing at it, when I noticed a man who had come near us. He was ginger, buzz cut with a ginger beard. He had beady blue eyes. He was just looking at us and then started changing his top which is when I saw he had only one arm. The other was a stub. He felt dangerous, I remember telling my cousin and we decided to get up and walk back down the corridor to our rooms. As we were walking, he then started following us. I can’t remember what happened with him.

Next thing I remember I was in another room with loads of other people. Again we were watching TV. It was more like a projector though that was on the wall. The rooms were really small but we were all sitting on the bed or on the floor next to the bed. I knew some of the people here. One of the girls got up and looked surprised as she stood near the door. Her boyfriend had come to surprise her. He walked round the corner and I realised it was a guy i use to see. He didn’t recognise me at first, until mid convo between them when he started looking around the room. I could see him getting a bit red in the cheeks. He then got down on one knee and proposed. When the girl I knew got back up he started to go round and shake everyone's hand, I didn’t put my hand out. He knew it was me and he was playing stupid. Anyway, everyone returned to the bed and carried on watching the film, him included. A girl who was close to me noticed my mood had changed and whispered to me. I said to her he was a guy I was once seeing and it was just all weird. I could sense the other girl looking over at me. There was one person between me and the guy and they got up. He then moved closer towards me and began to covertly antagonise me. He wanted me to say something to him but I wasn’t biting. I don’t remember what led to me standing up but I got up and him and the girl then got closer to each other and the girl was asking me whats wrong why am I acting how I am (and even in actual life I’m very chilled, until provoked lol and it takes a lot for me to bite back) She must have said something that had an impact because I threw a glass of water in her face LOL ffs.  I walked off and I could hear her following me. I got to this door and walked through it, which then led to another door. She was still behind me but wasn’t catching up. I was then inside a small closest. The door was blue but stained, it looked like old metal that was once painted blue but over time it started to fade. I noticed there were small locks on the door, one at the top and one at the bottom. I locked them both. I then noticed there was another door leading in to another room. I peaked through and it looked like a big meeting room. There was a lot of dark energy to it, the colour black was there in some form. I think there were people sitting at the table in black cloaks. I manged to slip out without them noticing and then saw another door which led to outside. I got out without anyone noticing and it then felt like Hogwarts??? Loool. I was then on some kind of hoverboard and managed to get away from the building. 

[nevthoughts]

Milestones before 30

I truly never cared what other people were doing. I was never someone who compared myself against people in my age group. I’ve always hated trends and I’ve pretty much been in my own world. Until two years ago. I can’t pinpoint the moment when or why it started but I suddenly started realizing…Or feeling that… I was behind. The 20s are messy for everyone. When I’ve spoken to people older than 30, they always say things got better after 25 - before then? It was a trainwreck. So not having it all together in our 20s seems universal, thankfully. But what happens, as a woman, when you are approaching 30 - single, childless with no current career path.  This is me. I am that woman. ( ironically, this autocorrected to “I am a sad woman” thanks Google).

I’ve spent these last eight years of my 20s hanging on to relationships with boys that clearly weren’t any good for me, not feeling deserving of actually being loved (the two go together), unwell with Ulcerative Colitis, in hospital pumped up with steroids or being let go from jobs every other year. Unlike my peers/people in my age group, I haven’t had the headspace to build a foundation. Many things have happened that were completely out of my control. I wasn’t able to see this at the time because I was just trying to get through the next thing that was coming. I didn’t want my life to be how it is now. I didn’t plan this. Actually, I didn’t plan anything. There isn’t time to plan when you’re surviving. I was just jumping through the rings of fire as they came. When I was betrayed by my second serious boyfriend, I shut down. I was not entertained even by the thought of meeting someone else. I was proudly the Crazy Cat Lady. When I had an abortion due to Hyperemesis Graviedum I wasn’t the same person as I was pre 2015. It was more than being so unwell I couldn’t continue, it was the lies that were told before I fell pregnant. The boyfriend who told me he wanted children with me. The boyfriend who said one day he’ll buy me the best ring, but kids first. Then he was nowhere to be seen when I was sick in hospital. Then suddenly he “wasn’t ready” for it. 

Most women reach 30 and have had a girls holiday. I haven’t been away since I was 13 let alone a girls trip. By the time I left high school, the girls I considered my best friends didn’t want to be friends with me. I won’t go into that today, but that too had lasting effects. Years of being unwell then followed. In and out of hospital every summer. Not able to go away even if I wanted to. I wasn’t well enough and plus who’s paying for it!?

 From 19-now I’ve had 7 jobs. All my nannying roles started with a family wanting someone long term but then something changed which meant they didn’t need me anymore. Or they realized they wanted something more specific. One family decided they may be better with a nanny who has experience in speech therapy for their daughter. I went in that day expecting to work my usual hours but I left the same day with no job. I bumped into the kids a few months later in a local park, with a nanny who didn’t speak English. What happened to speech therapy? 

I started going to university in 2016 but that didn’t last long. That year was very difficult for my mum and I, I couldn’t focus. It was also in East London and I just couldn’t get my head together to do that journey. COVID hit in 2020. I was in the high risk group and ended up shielding for ten months. I wasn’t able to get to work. My nanny families understood but eventually came to the decision that from there on out they wouldn’t need the help. Everyone was going to be working from home. They found they could manage (which was great) and financially it was going to be difficult. I haven’t worked for the last four months. I am searching, every day. I'd like to leave nannying. Admin is hard to fall back on considering I’ve had six years of childcare. The current COVID situation is still a factor. I’ve started to think maybe I should work from home for the next year.

So here I am at 28 - jobless, single, no kids, still in my childhood home (which I am grateful for) but going by society's expectations… I am failing.

 Who made these rules? Why is there so much pressure on women in particular to have it all checked off before or by 30. In an attempt to make me feel better I’ve been told “there’s more to life than marriage and babies!” By people who are married…With babies. I’m aware that if I were to suddenly have those things, I’d feel trapped. Maybe even resentful. The situations and experiences during my 20s did not offer me the chance to just live, figure out a path, find a partner - ready for the 30s. My 20s (well, from around 15) left me with trauma, repeated trauma. While in the last two years I have felt safe enough to open up to one day finding love again, I do not need a romantic relationship right now.  I do not need to be someone's mother, I can’t. Family and friends mean well: “Get yourself out there!”.

 Not long ago after truly listening to how I was feeling someone said to me “Maybe you do need to take time for yourself, focus on making you happy again y’know? Find your joy first”. I felt like my heart was being hugged and I was seen. Until then no one had articulated back to me what I know is best for me right now. However what I know is best for me, goes against the feeling that I should be at xyz points - they’re at war with each other.

 I wonder how many women in my age group end up settling before they’re truly ready because they see everyone else is? Or because they want to feel part of something? I don’t blame them. This invisible, usually unspoken feeling, is very very real. Even admitting I understand that feeling is strange. Like I said at the start, I never cared what or where everyone else was. I feel like I’ve always consciously or unconsciously gone against the grain. Yet here I am, feeling something that I’m sure even if it isn’t admitted, many women feel around this age. Maybe it’s time we bow out of the race. The race we never even knew we were in, until we did. Until we see signs that tell us “you are failing”.

Well for 2022 I’m saying fuck that.

I will most probably not be married and have babies by the time I am 30

I will most probably not be a homeowner by the time I am 30

I will most probably not have a high flying career by the time I am 30 &

 I will begin on my own path literally doing anything and everything I’m curious about/interested in

I will return to therapy

I will get out there and meet new people - not just for romantic relationship

These “milestones before 30” messages are doing more harm than they’ll ever do good. 

If there’s one thing I’ll be leaving behind this year, it’s comparison. For two years I’ve been in an internal war, a race I didn’t know I was part of and what for? 

I’m taking off the running shoes and sliding into some crocs.

[nevthoughts]

We are the dream people,

A few nights ago I had a dream, similar to many I’ve had before, where I feel like I really was at a certain time and place. 

In the dream I had woken up and I was in the back seat of a car. I was a long green coat. It was late at night and quite cold. The car was parked up and for some reason I had been on the floor. I pulled myself up and i was sitting next to a girl. She had brown hair, was between the ages of 8-10. She didn’t seem scared about this random person appearing from the floor but just confused. I then told her “We are the dream people, we come to visit you in your dreams but I now have to leave”. As I was getting out, I noticed her mum across the road. She was putting petrol in to another car. She was blonde and wore a medium length black coat, with flat black boots. I noticed her look over as I got out and understandably she looked at me like who the fuck are you (lol!). She walked over and at this point the daughter was also standing outside the car, the mum was just looking at me confused and slightly aggravated. I assured her I was just part of the “dream people” and I’m now going to go. I started to walk off and said maybe I’ll see you again soon but now I have to go and ran off  - I could sense the mum really did not want to see me again LOL.

[nevthoughts]

Make that shot

Dream: 31/11/2021

I was on a basketball court, part of a team, it felt like a friendly or a charity match. The coach on the team I was part of was a really tall guy, he looked like David Harbour. I can remember standing there and seeing a ball fly over my head, thrown by someone on the opposite team, it happened in slow motion, I remember seeing the coach looking at me and I remember thinking ‘that could have gone in’

The dream then changed and I was in this coaches office .I initially thought maybe he was annoyed at me or there was something he wanted to ask me about the match. I remember his office was small and he was sitting at his desk in his chair (that was too small for him lol) with one leg crossed across his other leg. He held a pen between his fingers while he spoke. I can’t remember exactly word for word what he said but the main message was “If you wanted to make that shot you could have, you have what it takes really play, have a think about it - but you can do it” 

Obviously in real life I don’t play basketball haha and I doubt I ever will so I can translate this in my actual life to “You’re being passive, trust your intuition (knowing the ball could have gone in if thrown in a different way), you are more capable than you think (not really thinking much of playing the match, not really too bothered but other, professionals, seeing I have what it takes) which could tie in with self belief.

[nevthoughts]

Small socks

I woke up around 5.30am this morning to feed my cats (what a good cat mum, haha) - I eventually fell back to sleep and ended up dreaming about Gabby Petito.

In the dream I had a package delivered, I remember it was blue. I opened it up and inside were a pair of small socks that had beloved to Gabby. For some reason I picked one up and started rubbing it in my hands to see if I could pick up on any feelings from it (random I know) my eyes were closed as I was doing it - and I started to feel so sad, I had to take a breath and take in what I was feeling. it was a lot. I then turned the package over and it had A sun, moon and rising sign and for some reason I felt really drawn to the moon sign which on the package said it was in the sign of Cancer. I decided to look up the moon sign on the last known contact made by Gabby (which ended up being Brian) which was on the 30th August. On the 30th August the moon was in the last part of Gemini and by September 1st, when Brian had returned without Gabby, the moon was in Cancer. For some reason I then started getting upset and by this point I was semi-awake and I was aware of the fact that I was basically trying to stop myself from actually crying, I’ve had dreams like this before where you wake up in tears and this felt similar. 

I feel like so many things could have been prevented with Gabby and there will forever be an underlying sadness especially with her family.

[nevthoughts]

I don’t even know!

Sometimes I wake up from dreams and my brain needs a while to get itself together, I often get feelings from the dreams I’ve had so I have to sit with those while the two calm the hell down LoL

I can’t piece together any kind of storyline, different things just happened. I also sometimes get dream deja vu, when old dreams randomly come back to me (when I’m awake) and sometimes they fit in with another dream I’ve had, I can piece them together from the location etc. 

This will probably all be out of order but from last nights dream(s) I remember:

Being outside with some girls, they had kids, it was on an estate on one of the grass areas. It was a warm day. We were just chilling out, I was actually getting ready to leave when these group of boys came over with waterguns/waterbottles and started wetting us (we knew them) so we all got soaked then another two boys came who we didn’t know and one of the others was introducting them to us and I had to go so I walked off and said I’ve gotta go home and as I walked past one of the boys he said “love you” and I put my hand on his chest and said love you too and carried on walking (???). I remembering wearing a pink and white dress, floral, I had a bag with me that I was carrying on my shoulder. I remember walking and it was really hot by that point I remember the sun was directly on top of me. My hair was a mess because it was wet.

I then remember something about a garden, I was in a garden, there was a man, he was taking to the woman she came to look at something. It was late, the sun had just set, I was sitting on the patio area while they were talking on the grass. I remember he came over to me and gave me a hug. Typing this out I started getting really weird feelings around it - not in a bad way - just something prominent about this man. I remember he was really tall and his shoulder width was massive, a really big guy, I remember hugging him, I was laying down on a sun lounger on the patio when he came over and he just felt massive just short of a giant is how he felt.

I was then in a kitchen, my mum was there, some other women were also there. An old man who my mum knew was making himslef a tea, I had a child with me and we were picking out something for Halloween. I can’t put my finger on whether it was a costume or a cake - loool very different things but while we were looking at them there were ones in colour and ones in black and white, my mum still talking to this man and he noticed us looking at what was there and my mum said “Oh she doesn’t like the black and white ones does she?” and it caught the mans attention and he came over to us and the girl I had with me decided she wanted one in colour (whatever it was) and the man bent down to her level, and said “Don’t like the black and white ones?” (he was a bald man, he was wearing a havy jumper) he was a bit weird. Then I replied “She does but today she just preferred one in colour” Then we left. My mum stayed.

Then for some reason my mum was in a wheelchair, not sure if she had an operation or if this was in future time and she was old but I was with two other women and we reached a house. It wasn’t mine IRL and it wasn’t hers IRL - it looked like a bungalow, white door. A big space for cars. One of the women was getting something out of her boot, the other was looking for keys to get in. I joked we can just leave her here - the women near the door shouted it over to the women near the car and my mum just groaned as if to say ah shut up and get me inside lol. The rest of us found it funny anyway. So we get her inside, and myself and one of the other women decide to go for a walk over at the park across the road from the house. She was my height (in dreams I’m actually taller than I actually am lolll), she had dark hair kind of curly/frizzy, olive skin, she looked Egyptian, was wearing a red top. We got in the park and we got along so well we just found everything funny, belly laughter the whole walk through the park. I remember thinking “this is what i wanted” - meaning more laughter in my life, a feeling of being more free etc. 

We started walking back and it was getting dark, we get near the house and we;re standing in the drive way when we saw loads of people start walking down the road in a big group. They walk past us and they look half dead, almost zombie like. Some of them were in hospital gowns, they had blood on their faces and they were all walking in a block going in the same direction. Someone, I don’t know who, then told me we need to open up the front of the house and allow the people who need shelter to get in. So I started trying to open up the front of the house (at the front of the house it had one of those big half umbrella things that some cafes have so people can sit outside when its raining) but the front window also opened up, so it was kind of like a little shop. I remember one of the women asking me what the hell I’m doing like its risky because what if the wrong people get in. I carried on doing it anyway, managed to do it, felt like all I did was blink and already there were loads of people inside. I then started to climb up (you had to climb over a small ledge to actually get in) I remember partially sitting on the ledge and I saw Noel Edmonds???? He was all smiley just watching me get in LOL.

So yeah, that was my dream events of last night.

[nevthoughts]

Rocketman

Sometimes when I’m scrolling through Netflix, I’ll see something and feel conflicted about watching it - like for some reason watching it will evoke something in me that I’ve either been avoiding feeling or avoiding thinking about it. Not anything particularly negative, just something that feels too real to my own life or a truth I can relate to that I haven’t wanted to acknowledge. When I do eventually watch whatever film or series I feel this towards, I always come to the end of it realising why I felt conflicted and the reasons for watching it. I never regret watching anything I feel this way towards and it doesn’t happen often but I really do try and avoid them LOL.

My most recent film of conflict was Rocketman. About Elton John. Very random, I know. Its been on Netlflix for a while now and there have been a few times Ive gone to watch it but it’s like my brain just won’t let me - not the right time or something else feels easier to watch. Easier? iI don’t know either! 

I woke up this morning with the literal song Rocketman in my head. I also for some reason thought about Elton John, he popped in my head sitting at his piano which triggered remembering the film. 

So, this afternoon, I am going to watch Rocketman and I’m sure by the end of it, I know why I did.

[nevthoughts]

hello, can you please do cancer rising?

Hi there ✨

Cancer Rising

Cancer Risings are a gentle, accepting, have a warmth to their personality, feels like a family to people.

When underdeveloped or Ascendant lord is afflicted they get over sensitive and over Emotional and a lot of times you can feel like others have to overcompensate for this

Cancer risings are creative since young and doesn't usually like mundane things.

They are very attached to social causes of injustice and discrimination.

Their sense of pride comes from their family and surroundings or their pride may just be heavily influenced by the kind of environment they are in, they feel happy when with their families.

They were the kid that performed for their family members.

They could earn from their Father of by being in the public eye or being in a leadership position like army, running a company etc.

They gain confidence from what they earn or the material possessions they have. Not necessarily in an arrogant way but they do Certainly make them feel proud.

They might have had a lot of family celebrations when young and can possibly have big extended families.

They are really protective of their family and friends.

They are really comforting when they talk to others, can be sassy and nitpicking at times, is basically a mother to their younger sibling, kid who has the healthiest snack in class.

Tends to really worry about their school work and is very diligent with their work, school or house works, the self dependent sibling.

They may have had a very aesthetically pleasing home, their mom could have a knack for decor and can be very creative, their family in general made sure to keep sprucing up their home. Their home life and family has a big Influence on who they marry

They look for someone who can is self dependent and self made and knows how to take care of their family and professional life and is not just putting efforts in one place.

Very passionate with romance they put their all in the relationship it's either 100% or nothing. There are chances of romantic relationships being transformative for them.

They can travel for work and has a very spiritual and philosophical way if dealing with enemies, if you tell them you hate them they will most probably say something like " you know what I understand, it's human nature to like some you hate some". They like having a self control with their routine as well

They feel jealous when it comes to nurturing like they don't like when someone else is liked more because of their nurturing.. like for dogs or kids, they won't like if either of the two likes the other parent better or likes their brother or sister more or any other person for that matter. They can on the other hand be very strict with their kids.

They mostly marry later in life.

They are more spiritual than religious as they cannot really stick to one and keep learning about different religions and cultures.

They usually have a group of close friends but tight group. Their family may have a day in what kind of friends they deal with it probably when young their parents may have disapproved of some of their friends. Their friends and family are same for them.

They can be really stubborn at times and aren't as flexible with their things.

Because moon rules their first house they may get taken advantage of because of their sensitivity to others.

If moon is afflicted they can be really closed off to others as well as their own Emotions.

A developed cancer Rising is Emotionally intelligent, caring and loving and accepting.

[nevthoughts]

Saturn return orbits

I’ve been in to astrology since I was 8, my mum was Christian during this phase so I wasn’t allowed to look in to it as much as I would have liked to. I always tell myself now, as an adult, to start studying it again, because there’s already a lot I seem to just understand and I grasp it easily. It’s also not a bad money maker. 

Saturn return happens between the ages of 27-30:

“ Your Saturn Return is an astrological event that occurs every 27 to 29.5 years, when the planet Saturn returns to the sign and degree that it was at when you were born. It's associated with major life changes, like career changes, breakups, engagements, and relocations “

Its basically where your life switches and you suddenly start questioning everything that’s happened up until this point. You are forced to look at yourself and encouraged not to resist change. Could be why people seem to enjoy their 30s way more than their 20s.

Mine doesn’t literally hit until I’m 29 but they say we can start to feel the effects from the age of 27. I can vouch for this and I’ve felt it since 27 in many different ways. It’s recently made me an insomniac! I cannot fall asleep before 2AM. My mind is just on and I’m literally thinking of everything. I’m thinking about the people I’m close to and how much I love them and feeling grateful, for example my best friend from school, almost 20 years, we’ve been through a lot and wow I’m so thankful for her. Just everything starts coming to mind as soon as the lights go out and I’m in bed. I think about my dad and he will be coming in to a new phase in his life in the near future; retirement! I have a few worries around that. Some nights I feel really emotional and cry, haha but it’s good, I’ve been emotionally suppressed most of my life (up until I started therapy a few years ago) so the tears are good and I’m sure there will never be an end to those.

Its a mixture of ffs let me sleep and wow I’m so grateful/in awe/emotional/worried/invigorated 

I really feel that once I get to 30s, that’s when it all really begins.

[nevthoughts]

Breaking patterns 1.

For a while I was known to close friends as ‘blocking queen’ - because my stories always ended with “and then I blocked them”... It was usually around boys so more specifically “and then I blocked him”.

I had no issues or felt nothing towards blocking someone. It would usually end up happening during an argument or I was upset/pissed off and I guess the block was the final act of upset and pissed-offness. I felt like I had a right to do it. 

A few months ago though, something changed. It was happening in real time. Meaning, I caught myself really thinking about blocking and something felt different this time. 

Lets reverse a bit in to my chlldhood. I’ve had a good few adults, particularly men, enter my life and leave after a few years. I never had contact with them once they were physically gone from the house. There was that ending. Out the door, gone. Being young I had no choice of things being left in a softter way - if I wanted to speak to them, could I? If I still wanted contact with them, was that possible? No. It was just done. There was an ending.

Being aware of my childhood experiences (very aware, lol) I wonder if this somehow followed in to my own situations and relationships. Something doesn’t end unless there is a clear demonstration that it’s ended. Once I block someone - that's it - done. Once the men left the house when I was younger - that was it, done. Was them walking out the door the same as my use of blocking. It was possibly my way of creating certainty in something. I had control of walking out the door this time (by blocking). 

My form of shutting things out and down when I’m upset or annoyed is also a common theme in my adult life. There were many times as a child I wasn’t able to defend myself or have a say -  I just had to take and accept what was happening. I can link this to as an adult, shutting down and shutting someone out as soon as I’m hurt - because no way am I being defenceless again. 

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I’ve really flipped the switch in my head when it comes to shutting people out/down and blocking. I came to the realisation that I actually don’t think its a very nice thing to do. Unless the other person is harassing you or you’ve clearly asked them to not speak to you etc and they carry on... I can understand blocking in that sense. The way I was using blocking though, I now don’t like and I don’t want that to be my go to when upset/annoyed or hurt. I’ve also realised the outcome of a situation can be much more fulfilling to everyone involved, within all relationships, if things are openly spoken about rather than pouncing and being reactive - I’ve been very reactive over the years.  

[nevthoughts]

Glass taps Creaky floorboards

A few years ago shortly after a friend passed away, I began hearing what sounded like a glass tapping every night as I got in to bed. It was consistent for a while and then just stopped. 

For the last three nights I have been hearing it again. Along with some other strange and random sounds/movements. 

So i get in to bed and within two minutes I hear the glass tapping sound. As I then try to fall asleep, my floorboards creak. I hear it more so in the other room. It sounds as if someone is walking around or stepping on the creakier boards. Last night my mum stayed over but if it was her, she would only be getting up to use the toilet and that wasn’t happening. No one was walking out the door and no one was using the toilet. It was just the sound of the floorboards creaking. 

I feel I’m able to sleep through the odd random sound but this is consistent throughout the night so it keeps me awake because I’m thinking who the hell is walking around lol!

A few nights ago while sitting at my desk I felt a sudden rush of cold go past my feet/legs. To the point I actually stopped what I was doing and said out loud ‘what the hell was that’... The rest of my body was normal temp but the bottom half suddenly felt a cold breeze.

[nevthoughts]

Grey tracksuit, Crossing

I always get worried when I see people I haven’t spoken to or seen for a while appearing in my dreams. I often dream of those who have passed over not long after it happened. I doubt this was the case here though. I hope.

The relationship with my ex now is civil, friends would probably be too strong but we’ve spoken on and off. He’s with someone new blah blah. We’re good. But I know I still feel a bit of anxiety about him. As much as I can forgive I can never forget some things he done, so thats probably where that stems from. 

The last time he appeared in a dream was YEARS ago and again even at that time I felt a really strong reaction to it once I woke up. I forgot about last nights until this evening as I was walking home. In the dream, it was day time, no idea where I was, but it was quiet out. Felt like early morning, it was just starting to get warm but still a crispy feel in the air. I was walking towards a zebra crossing when I noticed someone walking slightly ahead of me, wearing a grey tracksuit. As I stopped at the crossing, I was still looking in that direction and they turned round, it was my ex. I quickly turnt my head and acted like I didn’t see him and quickly walked across the crossing. When I got to the other side I looked over at him again, he had obviously been looking in my direction because he then also quickly turned his head and carried on walking towards the row of shops. 

The feeling I got from it of being anxious kind of surprised me, considering we’re cool now. 

[nevthoughts]

The good dinosaur doesn't get nearly enough praise.