nightly-th0ughts

[nightly-th0ughts]

But I'm just blind and unaware, right ?

[nightly-th0ughts]

Yarden Silveira

Today I'm going to talk about the tragic case of Yarden Silveira; A deceased detransitioner. I want to start with the point. I'm not here to report on his life details, I'm here to highlight the severity of these issues. I want to stress the importance of safe and diligent transitioning practices, the importance of delayed gratification, discernment, and how important it is to speak about these people.

I can relate to some degree how he feels in a sense. I am not diagnosed with autism though after a year or 2 on T, I began to realize that I have prominent autistic symptoms, and that the symptoms were increasing as well. I also had that slap in the face realization as well about how I'll never truly change my sex, especially as more negative hrt side effects began to show. I was mildly horrified at how naive I was when I began hrt, and while luckily I've been okay, and I do enjoy the results, imagine if I were to have regretted this. I sped through the process with no regard to the serious side effects because I wanted nothing more than to have secondary male characteristics and finally live as a boy. I got my hormones in 2 weeks after paying a reasonable amount for my online appointment and then my blood work. I thought that after a few months, I'd integrate into society well, that I'd be just like the other men. I was wrong. I'm never going to be just like another man, I am a biological female with a whole past experience as such, I was socialized differently, and quite frankly there are things I can never change because of my sex. I didn't realize how hard it would be socially, how lonely, how hard dating had become, how mentally twisting the experience is, how risky it could be health wise, and I didn't even know where the vxgina actually was until I felt slight strain on my reproductive organs from hrt. Then when I realized I had some very noticeable autistic symptoms, I felt scared and a bit lost about whether or not I did the right thing for myself. Thankfully nothing severe has occurred from my experience, and after thorough internal reflection, I realized that I have benefitted from the effects of T, I came to terms with the fact that I will never not be a biological female, and that that's okay, and that there is space for me somewhere regardless. So I definitely understand the severity of medical transitioning and how important it is to go about this with utmost caution.

Enough about myself, I'm going to share an article about his story, since I believe it's far more well done than anything I could report about him.

This article is very well written and seems to be very well informed. I highly recommend reading this in completion and truly listening to what is said here. There isn't much reporting done at all on his story, but this needs to be heard and considered.

I'm also going to share the Yelp review he wrote and all the pictures I've gathered during my brief/light research on the matter.

This was posted a bit before his passing

A display of neglect that sadly comes with trans healthcare.

The reason I believe there is so much neglect when it comes to trans healthcare is because of various reasons. Firstly, there just isn't that much information on what the long term complications are, and what doctors should do during the various moments that an issue arises, that sometimes is unexpected. For example, with Jazz Jennings; She is one of the first openly known documentations of trans children in the media. I grew up with her considering we're close in age, and I related to her heavily as pre-teen. She had bottom surgery at 17 years old, right around when she was about to transition into adulthood. She has been wanting this procedure her whole life, as she began socially transitioning as a young kid, then eventually going on puberty blockers, then hrt, and so on. Pre-op, she seemed to be very cheerful, with a bright future as the woman she's always been and has been excited to become. They didn't expect to have complications because they have been preparing her whole life for this big moment. Yet due to the underdevelopment of her male genitalia from puberty blockers/not undergoing her natural male puberty, her surgery ended up being far more complicated than they were expecting and prepared for. For those who don't know, when an amab person doesn't have a lot of bottom growth , it can lead to unexpected results, such as there not being a lot of tissue to work with. Post-op you could see that she has suffered tremendously from that occurrence, and while she may still identify as a woman, and doesn't seem to have many negative opinions about this matter, she herself has experienced the complex nature of gender reassignment surgery and the heartbreak of having complications during the procedure. Now I can't speak for Jazz, but that just is a clear example of doctors not necessarily knowing just what to do about this situation, and not necessarily expecting this to occur.

Secondly, being trans has increasingly become politicized, and while this is just my speculation, it seems to be that there is purposeful ignorance on just how complex and severe medical transitioning actually is. It seems that they don't want us to know, that they want to rush the process, and that they feel little accountability for the complications that arise. They make money from these procedures and medicines, of course they do. So it seems they have little to no regard when it comes to this. They don't want us to know how serious it is, they don't want us to question too much, look into it too much, or to become hesitant.

I speak on this matter because their voices matter. They shouldn't be silenced or invalidated to push a narrative. They should be heavily considered and listened to instead. A political narrative shouldn't come above very serious health related matters, and the damage that has been done to those who pursued medical transitioning in a vulnerable mindset that have been met with regret. Affirmation is okay, but we mustn't blindly affirm everyone, we must encourage people to be safe first and foremost.

My question is, why ?

Why is it okay to invalidate detransitioners ?

Why is it considered "right wing propaganda" ? (Though yes sometimes conservatives use these stories to push their narratives against trans people).

Why are we so silent about this ?

You can say kids should transition because "it's better to have a trans child than a dead one." Yet what about those who commit sxicide due to the horrendous complications or overall regret ? We are okay with allowing kids to do this yet we expect them to be liable for their decisions in this regard ? They are kids ffs, and they need time. They need time to make sound decisions when it comes to this, they need to at least understand the responsibility and in my opinion, I don't believe kids can fully grasp the weight of this.

It's hard to find legitimate statistics on detransition rates, and it's uncertain whether or not those numbers are on the rise. From what I've known, it's always been about 1%, now 2% or so. Yet that shouldn't lighten the seriousness of this matter, because just 1 case is serious enough, and it should be considered. After all we are only a small amount of the overall population, and even if the numbers are small, it still matters because this issue matters, and it IS serious.

So why is this okay ?

Why is it so wrong to talk about this ?

I push back on various so-called "woke" ideologies because ideologies should never come before our well-being. So-called "Trans visibility" but so little transparency on the life of trans people, the medical journey, and what it truly entails. My transness isn't an idea, it's my life, it's rooted in the mental disorder Gender dysphoria, something that is real, hard to go through, that comes with many challenges. It's hard living a life where you are stuck between what is good for your health vs living your truth, and many would rather die living their truth, then not at all. If it's offensive to acknowledge a very real mental condition, then is mental health even de-stigmatized ? Or is it only when it's convenient ? When it's only in alignment with the narrative of an ideology. How disgusting. That this is what I'm supposed to support because trans people can't think outside of what they are supposed to think, supposedly. That trans voices are silenced because it has to stick to a narrative. That trans lives are in danger if they speak up too openly, flooded with hate and threats, even if they aren't even overly controversial. That detransitioners get silenced, demonized, and invalidated constantly because it highlights what they don't want us to see; The truth. The weight of this matter. Is that even true trans acceptance and tolerance ?

If you care about the truth, you'd read this in full.

Anyways, these are my thoughts, farewell.

[nightly-th0ughts]

She doesn't know that I'm here listening to radio Minuit,

Watching Anne with an E,

Thinking about her,

Missing her )':

[nightly-th0ughts]

Lastly,

Am I crazy ?

Am I crazy for thinking and feeling how I feel about everything going on ?

[nightly-th0ughts]

So much feelings expressed todayyyy, I just hope nobody cares enough to read all this lol, I know nobody will see it, but I wanted to share some of my motivational yearning at least somewhere that won't be lost into the air lol

[nightly-th0ughts]

I had another detransitioner voice I wanted to share but I couldn't find her anywhere ! I wanted to share hers specifically because I watched their content at one point when looking into bottom surgery as a teen. They looked devastated and to see someone I watched online early in my trans journey go through this, especially after having bottom surgery, the distraught in their demeanor was heartbreaking to see. Ill still do a bit more searching on this matter to further solidify my concern. Because then it was "it's rare" but nowadays it's becoming increasingly less rare, and well I care about this issue. Those people could very well be me, especially with how careless I used to be as a teen. I could be going through that myself if I hadn't been lucky.

[nightly-th0ughts]

Let's talk detransition // political homelessness

These stories matter !!!!!!

You can say I'm blind, ignorant, or whatever for believing the way I do. You can assume I'm republican or a trump supporter. Assume wrong.

But these stories matter and should be heard.

People often demonize detransitioners for speaking up because they politicize it. They think that it's just "right wing propaganda", but these people are genuinely hurt and deserve justice. They should be able to speak about it without public shame. Transitioning isn't for everyone, especially medically, and it's a very serious decision to make. People need to be well informed before making these decisions, and this process shouldn't be overly available and quick.

Kids shouldn't be able to make such a massive and life altering decision and using sxicide as a reason to do so, is just plainly manipulative.

I know very well how hard it is. I grew up Mormon in a household that didn't accept me at all. I had suffered through depression and anxiety for so long. I had my adolescence stolen from me through trauma and on top of that having to conceal my truth.

Though it felt impossible then, my experience has humbled me greatly, has instilled the value of working hard for what you believe in, it taught me patience, determination, it made me self sufficient, and so on. Though it too greatly damaged me as well of course. I'm not going to deny that damage was done from all the religious indoctrination and self repression. So of course I'm not saying that parents should pushback aggressively and have their children suppress their identity. I'm saying to allow your children to express their gender lightly, socially, and so on. Tell them you'll love them through everything. Tell them that being who they are isn't going to make you love them less. Tell them that you accept them. Let them dress up how they please, go by their preferred name, pronouns, and let them get the feel of going about as a trans person. Heck, email the teachers at your kids school letting them know about your child and giving them consent to allow your child to be socially recognized as the opposite sex (important to avoid complaints made by those who don't understand). Though tread carefully, be wary of genuine indoctrination and grooming that is done in the name of so-called trans activism. Do the research thoroughly on the medical aspects of being trans, stay rooted in objective reality, truly find out if transitioning is the right step to take in the future, listen to trans voices from all sides of the aisle, seek professional mental help for your child to ensure that transitioning is the right choice to make, listen to your child if they have concerns/hesitance, and please remind them that they're loved regardless if they are trans or not. Keep an open mind to various opinions, stay grounded in yourself while doing so. At 18 years old tell them that they are now legally an adult, that they now have this decision on their hands, that you support them in what they choose to do, that after all the thorough reflection, research, and so on, that if they want to start hrt, or get top surgery, that they are free to start that process. Even then it's not guaranteed that transitioning is the right choice to make, but the choice is made carefully, with a lot of thought, it's made safely, the body and mind is also more developed as well which would be overall a healthier, and more secure way of deciding whether or not medically transitioning is the right thing to do.

People need to be more cautious of what they consume overall. HRT Is not a joke, puberty blockers aren't either, and neither are these procedures. Medical transitioning is a very serious matter that requires a lot of thorough consideration. I know because I am trans, I've been on T for almost 5 years, and while it's brought me immense joy in my skin, as someone who cares about my health, I often flip flop on whether or not I should continue taking it. As much as I want to continue unraveling the effects and feeling more and more joyful in my skin, I know it's bad for me.

I am worried. I am worried that I'd die young from this, I'm worried that I'd collapse from cardiovascular related reasons, I'm worried I may get c*ncer, I'm worried about my reproductive organs, my neurology, I'm worried about the skin on my injection sights, I'm worried about all of these things. All the time.

Because some of the effects I've encountered have been a bit shocking. I have high cholesterol, I'm at risk of diabetes, I have heart palpations, occasional chest pain, my speech has declined significantly, my mobility has too, I've had ovarian cysts, symptoms of PCOS, slight pain in the liver rarely, it's scary as fuck to me. Everyday I live hoping I don't collapse on the ground from heart issues. Or that I find out I have a serious condition. Or that I'll need an emergency hysterectomy. Or that I'll lose my ability to dance or speak. I sometimes go to sleep scared I won't wake up because I died due to the side effects. It makes me scared to go to the doctors. It's serious!!!!! And people don't take this issue seriously enough!!!! It's what I do to live my truth but what can I do to not feel dysphoric about the reversal changes of being off hrt, and to still be healthy enough to feel safe. At this point I'm thinking of cutting down smoking to a minimum, and eventually having some straight edge periods at the least because I don't want to die. I want to live a long life, a happy one, I want to be around for the people I love, I do. I want to sit out on my porch at 80 and look out at the beauty of the sunset. I just know the least I can do is have the cleanest and healthiest habits possible until I reach a point where I won't notice too many reversal changes, where I wouldn't feel dysphoric if I were to go off of it. I just know I can't be on T forever, it's not healthy, it goes against what I want for myself health wise, though it's the price I pay to live my truth.

That is the truth. The truth is people need to consider what they are to do in regards to this. They need to research, they need to make sound decisions about this, they need to take their time, and kids shouldn't fucking do this and I'll never agree that they should. I used to think that maybe some adolescents could but now I'm at a point in my transition where I truly understand the weight of this substance.

I care about this issue not for political reasons, but because I live this myself!!! And detransitioners regardless of their political affiliation need to be taken seriously, heard, and not demonized for speaking up against something that has clearly caused a great deal of harm to them. If that offends you ? Then the truth does. Because the truth is, being trans is a real lived experience, but so-called trans activism has actively harmed the trans community. It has allowed for people to go through these heartbreaking moments, it's allowed people to become overly divisive, it uses trans people as a football that can be thrown back and forth. From left to right. They don't care about the well being of trans people, they use us as votes, while they actively diminish our credibility, while they make us open targets to true trans discrimination, stripping of rights, causing division within our community and towards our community. People then barely cared, they probably had some stupid, uninformed opinion, but they didn't actively go out their way to harm us, and make legislation about us. Perhaps some did, but now it's clear. There is firm pushback towards our community, there is clear hatred, our credibility is out the window, there are clear extremes here and people are unwilling to see it because they don't want to face the truth. What we need as a community, is solidarity, open mindness, open conversation, acknowledgement of reality, good representation, credible voices, safer transitioning practices, respect for other people's spaces, consideration, self awareness, and to not let kids medically transition, and to teach them that it's okay to not have every thing done this instant, to rather encourage determination, patience, and delayed gratification.

Political homelessness =/= ignorance

People on the left typically think I'm ignorant for my stance, and for the fact that I didn't vote. But my advice is seek. Don't read the headline and conclude. Listen to challenging voices, listen to the WHOLE thing, read the WHOLE article, dig deeper than the first article that pops up, listen to hard truths, listen to different people from different sides of the aisle, read books about it, books from various sides of the aisle. Know who and what you support. Watch the whole debate. Watch all the debates dammit. Go down the rabbit hole, though be careful because it's a lot. Don't restrict your learning because you can't stomach hearing something that may challenge your beliefs. Open thy mind, and you shall find. Learn to stomach what is tough, because growth doesn't come from that. And neither does finding the truth.

This is my jumbled up opinion on this matter and politics as a whole. Speaking for those who are politically homeless. For those who get called ignorant and unaware. For those who choose not to ride the train of hate, regardless of which side. It may seem like a simple answer at face value, but once you seek, and notice patterns, learn a bit more beneath the surface, you will see why. You will see why people don't comply, why the answer isn't that easy, and why people choose not to vote when there isn't an honest candidate with a chance to win. And yeah you can say that well that dishonesty is their job, but at least this one is less evil. But are they though? Are they less evil ? How could I trust someone who lies so easily, with no stance, with no integrity, with nothing but what seems good at face value. Who is behind these people? Who are they working for ? Don't run from learning what is true because if you valued the truth, you'd care more about knowing the truth, rather than trying to avoid finding out that everything you believed in so firmly, may be a lie.

So yeah, I don't know everything at all. I most likely never will. But my mind is open. And my opinion is valid. And I am not ignorant or unaware for not voting, or for not believing everything everyone else in the communities I'm a part of believe in. I'll vote accordingly when it's time. And as someone who kept a close eye on the election, I don't think we'd be better off with Harris. I think we'd be equally screwed either way. It's about time we make a real change, instead of playing the same game that we know is made to fail, that we know is not rooted transparency, that we know is not just.

I felt comfortable for once going all out on my opinion in public, I know nobody would read it, though I hope it inspired those who do somehow see this. I hope it inspires them to break out of these think tanks, I hope it inspires reflection, unity, open mindness, and critical thinking. Trust me, I've had my algorithm go both ways at different times of my journey, so I know first hand.

May peace be with all, and farewell.

[nightly-th0ughts]

I said a lot, I'm feeling a lot, and I have nowhere to run with how I feel.

I genuinely don't know what to do.

I really want to be patient towards her, and love her wholly so,

But at the same time, it seems that she doesn't want me to love her at all,

And that she doesn't want to love me either ?

I'm just so lost, hurt, confused, and in the depths of sorrow.

I know I'm the one that hurt her feelings, and that she genuinely feels this intensely and deeply about everything,

But I can't help but feel that things should be handled so much differently, and should've from the first time around.

I need to know how to assert my boundaries, stand up for myself, and not be a doormat, while simultaneously being patient, understanding, and there for her.

I sometimes feel she feels comfortable doing this to me because she knows I'll love her wholeheartedly still,

I honestly just don't know, I just miss her, and want badly so, for her to see this clearly.

I don't need to be pushed down so aggressively.

I really don't.

Though I am flexible in my understanding,

And I understand that maybe she has a hard time keeping herself together when she feels emotions intensely ?

Whatever it is, we're both great people who love intensely, perhaps the intensity is what makes it this way, but I would love every quirk and bump that it takes to get to that level of closeness and individual interpersonal growth.

Is it that bad that I want you to be by my side at 80 while we look at the sunset and smile as we feel grateful for the life we've built together ?

I'm just lost,

I just really don't want anyone else to spend my life with.

And she couldn't have thought more wrong about me, but maybe it's just her brain right now

[nightly-th0ughts]

It genuinely makes me sad. I feel like I'm not allowed to be upset, and like nobody understands how I feel.

I really love this girl, and I would be willing to do whatever it takes, even if it means making exceptions.

Exceptions like waiting even though I know not to, I just feel it's worth it. I am committed to being present, reliable, and patient. Though I wonder if it even matters.

I was honest, transparent, open, I trusted her to be a safe shoulder to cry on. I just feel genuinely betrayed but I can't express that.

To her, what I've said or what I haven't done was genuinely that hurtful, so I'm definitely not trying to invalidate that. Though I don't think it was handled effectively at all and I believe I have the right to fight for what I believe needs to be fought for.

I can't stand up for myself because then I'm the mean guy, even though you've been genuinely very hurtful when I'm not deserving of that treatment.

We got really close to each other, and it felt magical, then she pulls away immediately at an issue that can be resolved.

She doesn't understand how hurtful that is to me, how any of it all was.

The first time, I was just trying to express how privileged I felt to have met her, and how she is privileged as well because I know myself, and I know that to be loved by me is special. And to have your first kiss to be special and given by someone who loves you deeply is a privilege. Though I know I worded things in a way that was not accepted, and I genuinely forgot not to use those words. Though it implies that it's offensive to appreciate me and the love I have to give. Why is it so offensive to appreciate me ? Am I not worthy to be appreciated? Though I understood the underlying reasons, I slowly forgave and felt safe again, though I shrunk my pain to not make her feel bad about leaving abruptly. I wanted to be understanding of why she did that, and not invalidate her reasoning and feelings.

The 2nd time, I understand was completely my fault. Though I know I genuinely forgot, I should've done it right away, for that I understand completely. Now the punishment was harsh but not completely unreasonable.

The 3rd time, was completely an accident. I feel the punishment was uncalled for. I wanted to compliment her but it turned into a word salad. I didn't want to offend her by complimenting her body in a way that sounded disrespectful because I genuinely don't know how to appropriately compliment someone's body, especially someone who is gentle. I wanted to respectfully do so, though I was also really nervous, and not making any sense. In my attempt to not offend her, I offended her. I understand she had her feelings hurt, but my intention was the exact opposite. I feel that instead of being kicked down immediately, treated as someone violent, I should've been forgiven, understood, we could've sorted it out appropriately. I felt crazy because I knew I didn't deserve to be shot down so abruptly, especially after how far along I came, and how well I was doing, and as well how much more I wanted to do and become. Though she made me feel I had no right to feel what I felt. That I can't express how I feel. Though she didn't say that, her actions implied such.

She's made me feel unworthy of love, she's made me feel like I'm too much, she made me feel like I could breathe wrong and she would abandon me, she made me feel like I was unsafe, when she made me feel unsafe. Too unsafe to call her out, to stand up for myself, to express myself. Because she could easily find offense and/or find a reason to abandon me.

She made me feel crazy, unworthy, like I'm a bad guy, like I'm stupid, unaware, she didn't believe in me at all, she never genuinely supported me, she never cared, nor loved me.

She could say that what I'm saying isn't true, but it is.

I'm not crazy for thinking I don't deserve to be shut off in this fashion.

Her actions treated me like I'm disposable,

It showed that her love for me was as conditional as possible,

It showed me that she is ready to disrespect me the moment she finds offense, and that it's completely justifiable.

She showed me that she is completely unreliable and inconsiderate about our connection, by making it a you vs me situation without will to listen and understand my perspective, nor making decisions as a team.

She showed me that she has no respect for me a human being,

That she never truly supported my work,

That she never truly accepted me for who I am,

That she never truly saw me for who I am, but more so of who she was afraid I'd be,

She's used what I've said against me, to rationalize that I deserve this treatment. The exact reason I don't feel comfortable opening up.

She showed me that she never cared, because she only cares when I breathe right, but she'd throw me to the road the moment I breathed wrong.

That she never loved me but only the idea of me, and only what I do for her, but if you loved me you'd never treat me this way.

She only cares about how she feels without realizing that we were supposed to be a team, that it was us vs the problem, a problem that can be fixed, worked on, and once improved could bring miraculous healing for us both. She never cared about how I feel.

Now I feel unfair to say this because perhaps she does care, and love me. I can't tell.

I care about how we both feel but I guess that's wrong.

It always felt like I was the broken one that had a lot to change, and though I do need to change on some things, she acted like she didn't need to because she's just perfect, wholesome, and soft.

She has a lot to learn. She has a lot to work on. She isn't exempt from growth. It should never be her way or the highway. If she valued me, she'd truly consider what I've said, and would've saw me the way I saw her.

I gladly learned from her, but her ? Has she learned anything positively fundamental and valuable from me ? She could have if she valued my perspective and experience. Yet all she learned was just the whipped cream on top of the milkshake.

She made me feel completely worthless and stupid, when I'm not.

She made me feel like she expected me to be a doormat, like I can't stand up and say "hey you're wrong, you know that you do this and that, and it's because of this and that, and that I don't think this is how I deserve to be treated, and that if you want me gone, then fine.", I didn't say that exactly, but I felt that with the disrespect she has bestowed upon me continuesly without empathy, consideration, or accountability, was well enough. Enough for me to say, ya know what ? This is wrong actually. This is actually quite hurtful too. That I shouldn't be spoken to in such a way because I simply don't deserve that attitude. So I said my piece, I stood up for myself, and rose up to say that hey, this is actually kind of rude. I said so politely because even then I'd still want to be gentle with her.

I expressed that I loved her, that I accepted her, all of which is true. I decided to give her what she wanted from me which was to leave her alone. Even though it hurts not to know how she's doing, or to just talk to her as a whole.

I never expressed how I felt because I was too worried about her finding a reason to leave. Because if she feels bad, then she'll probably leave because she hurt me, even though I wouldn't want her to leave unless she truly pushes me to make that decision. And I often do not seek reasons to leave but to rather stay, so I knew she was safe with me.

I've confided in close friends and parents. I made sure to make it clear that I was the one who initially made her feel upset, and explained that people handle things differently. They tell me I don't deserve that but I tell them often that I genuinely made her upset, that to her it's actually very hurtful, even if it may not seem like it should be so, that I accept her for who she is, and that if they knew her like I have gotten to so far, that they would understand why I undoubtedly choose to love her even if these moments are hard.

There's nobody who understands how I feel so far.

I am genuinely devastated, and I genuinely feel betrayed. I shared so many intimate and special things with her, that I normally wouldn't with anyone else, I made sure she felt as special as possible, though I know my mind is cluttered. I genuinely wanted her to bask in love, to feel wildly loved. I wanted her to know I'm safe and to feel so.

Though I still love her of course, she's an amazing young woman undoubtedly.

She just has a lot to learn, and I believe that she should've trusted me a lot more.

I never felt so loved and unloved, and so safe and unsafe at the same time.

When she was with me, she made me feel loved, and gave me the love I felt I deserved.

When she was upset with me, she made me feel utterly unlovable and disposable . And that it's wrong of me to feel distraught by the intensity of her outrage towards me.

When I was with her I felt incredibly comfortable, content, safe, and secured. So much so that I genuinely never felt too concerned about her being deceitful, because I thought I met someone who matched my energy for once. Because I trust myself more than anyone on this planet to keep me safe, and I thought that because she matched my energy, and had so much alignment with my goals, values, interests, and more, that we'd be okay because why would she do any of that to me, she understands me, and would never do that, because I know I wouldn't. I trusted that she'd be like me. Completely and only about me, like I am towards her.

Now perhaps she was, but one thing is that she can't be relied on to stay. She has one foot out the door always, even if she's incredibly safe. I had both feet in completely, willing to do whatever it is necessary to make things work, willing to be patient and understanding. I committed to her the moment I fell in love with her, and knew not what she entailed, but I committed to stay strong during anything, and to always consider her perspective regardless of what the world may say or think.

I know I don't deserve this level of pushing away, and coldness, but I also know that I made an agreement to stay firm in the love I believe in even when it feels impossible to decipher whether or not being patient is the right thing to do. I want to be the one who loves her whole, through the storm and all, the one that never gave up when I could've or even should've.

I feel that no one understands why I still choose her,

I feel that she doesn't understand why I fight for this relationship so hard.

I don't believe it has to be over, I believe that when both of us truly learn, grow and reflect from these situations, that we can grow closer, and evolve as people as well.

Though now ?

I genuinely don't know what to do.

I don't want to give up on her ever,

I don't want anyone else at all,

I just want to do this life thing with her,

But it seems like she's begging for me to forget about it all.

Maybe she's begging herself?

I just honestly don't know.

I tried opening myself up to other people, but my body resists it deeply.

She's the last person I kissed,

And I pray that she ends up being the last one I ever kiss.

I feel unable to receive that from anyone else.

She's the only one I want this with.

And I just feel like the boy who cried wolf.

Because now that I'm truly and openly myself,

Now that I've done a lot of healing,

Now that I've been better than I've ever been, and onwards to more,

I'm not being believed. When I'm at my most trustworthy.

I know that my younger, freshly damaged self was a lot different,

But I am now myself inside and out.

Perhaps the younger me deserves this,

But me now, doesn't,

And my very insecurity of who I was during my most traumatic moments, came to the surface.

That's why sometimes I feel I deserve this,

That's another reason why I choose to stay as well.

I accept the love I think I deserve.

And I think I deserve this just a little,

Not because of who I am now,

But because I know myself,

While I think of myself as one of the softest people I know, I also know that I can be a little wild too, that I haven't always been this humbled, that I haven't always been mature, or upheld the wisdom I do now. Just like I expected her to be safe, and loving as I would be, I also expected her to be intense in some fashion as I would be as well.

Her and I, are a lot a like,

And while it may not seem so to her,

We have a lot more in common than she thinks.

She has a lot more to learn from me as she thinks,

Just as I have learned a fuck lot from her.

Sometimes in conflict we mustn't go to war with eachotjer, or avoid each other, but rather open our hearts to learn from eachotjer.

Instead of concluding that it's wrong and not going to work, how about being open to doing the work necessary to make things work. It may seem a lot, it may feel new, but nobody is exempt from disappointing someone they love, and we have to learn to open our hearts and minds to learning and growing into further closeness in order for beautiful things to work.

This is all love.

[nightly-th0ughts]

With shattered glass on the floor,

Don't pick it up,

Sit calm,

I know I made the mess,

So allow me please,

To pick up each piece,

Even if the small shards chip at my knee,

Let me clean,

Let me wrap around the wounds gently,

Let me tell you that you have the power to rock my world,

I've shaken your grounds a bit some, I know,

Let me tell you that after every storm,

The sun comes up,

The light blankets over our eyes, our skin,

We smile again.

When I shake the ground, don't pick up the pieces,

Let me cut my hands instead,

Allow me,

For I was the earthquake underneath the tsunami,

I want to.

You don't have to pick up the pieces alone,

You don't have to cut your hands,

Let me be your warrior,

Let us be the rock, not the boat that sinks

[nightly-th0ughts]

Who I am kidding to think I could just conceal my feelings on here and try to pretend I don't exist,

I spilled more than I thought I would,

But this is my page, this is how I feel and there shouldn't be anything wrong with that

[nightly-th0ughts]

I gave her the power to destroy me because I trusted her like I'd trust myself 😩, now I wonder if she tried to destroy me because she didn't trust herself ? Or me ? Or didn't trust neither of us ?

She didn't destroy me though, I love her too much to let moments like this make me quit. Now I'm obviously not gonna say or do anything, but my heart hasn't gave up on her, she has shown that my heart has the capacity to love deeply, and I choose to love her with it.

I don't think my heart would do the same for anyone else.

I truly doubt it.

The problem isn't that the love died,

The problem is that it could've survived,

You don't have to give up every time it feels too hard.

Love isn't found in the grand gestures,

It's found in the moments where someone shows you you're too important to be given up on,

It is found when someone shows you that you deserve the patience, because you aren't what you do when emotions are whirlwind and that's on both ends,

You are more than that, deeper than that, you are not only who you once were, or who you may be now,

You are too who you are becoming.

For the record, I don't stay because I don't care about my well-being,

I stay because I see something very special inside you that I value,

Words can't quite describe just what that is,

But there is something there,

I love who you once were, who you are now, and who you're becoming,

I love who I once was, who I am now, and who I am becoming,

There's something in you that my soul recognizes,

It's hard to translate exactly what that may be,

All I know is, that I'll be your proud warrior,

I know it's a risk, it's uncertain,

But I feel it's worth it,

And to love myself is to allow myself to love who I love with no excuse, I just simply love her, and want to love her, I choose her and want to choose her, and to do whatever it takes to spend my life with the person I truly love and want to be with, is to allow myself to do what my heart wants to,

I listen to my heart,

And I keep my heart open,

I know I am capable,

I know I am able,

I gave you the power to destroy me, I know.

[nightly-th0ughts]

I disliked how she pushed me to find someone else.

I do NOT want someone else )':

I don't see how that's so hard to understand ?

I only wanted you, and I still do,

And I don't want anyone else,

I never did

Matter of fact, you'll never know how badly I wished that you were the only girl I've been with,

Because that's how badly I don't want anyone else

I want you only, and so badly, that I deeply wished that I've only met you and not anyone else

Because I only want you

You you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you

I've always had a hard time verbalizing my boundaries, I was made to be this soft doll that never talks,

Im sorry that my transformation and progress in this didn't happen fast enough,

That I have so much to do and handle,

That I'm so stressed,

But I'm ever changing,

Because YES, I'd do whatever necessary to grow old with you,

To take amazing care of you,

To be by your side as you flourish,

To accomplish our dreams together,

To build something special together,

To make you feel safe, but not just that,

But actually keep you safe,

I wanted nothing more than to keep you safe,

And you haven't any idea of the horrific intrusive fears that came into my mind,

My fear of you being hurt the way I've been.

I wanted nothing more than to spend my life with you, because you're the only one I'd want to do forever with.

I don't want someone like you,

I just only want to love you.

That is true and I refuse to pretend, to try with another because the point is, I don't want someone like you, I don't want anyone else, I just want to be with you. I did then and I do now.

And I don't know to do with how I feel,

There's no where to run because I miss you all the time even when I'm asleep.

I miss you so much,

And I am devastated at life without you.

Because yes I was fine on my own,

But once you stepped in,

I am forever changed, forever in love with you,

Forever going to notice your absence.

And if you're heavy, swirling feelings are yours to deal with, well I'll make your hardships my hardships because, your problems are mine too.

And I'll gladly do so,

Because your waves don't drown me,

I can surf, I have a boat.

I love you not only because you are my dream girl,

yes you,

I love you because you are you,

Overflowing in passion, sometimes it can feel like a bit much,

But not to me,

To me, loving in you full is easy.

And I know loving me can be easy too,

Just let me show you that it's us vs the problem,

Never you vs me.

Let me show you how much I care,

Let me hold you calm,

Let me reassure you, that even right now, I love you more each day,

Even right now.

And all I want to do ?

I just want to tell you I love you repeatedly, hold you dear in my embrace, and talk to you gently.

I don't want to be anyone else's teddy bear 🧸,

And I don't want any other strawberry 🍓.

I know I'm a bunch of sappiness,

Maybe I'm foolish for this,

I just love you,

And I miss you so much,

I sometimes think you should've believed,

But it felt you were busy looking for an exit,

Trying to convince yourself,

Looking for the first reason to not believe,

You are more than safe, and always have been,

Though I understand that your emotions are big and a lot to handle at times,

But I promise wholeheartedly, that you have my full commitment,

Because what I kept beneath is that when I first looked into your eyes, I saw my life,

And I made the commitment to be there through anything, and to do whatever it takes, I made the commitment to go through whatever it takes,

Though I knew not what that entailed,

I am committed.

And maybe that's what scared ya ?

)': Idk, I just want to give you a hug and tell you I love you )':

[nightly-th0ughts]

I have a strong heart

[nightly-th0ughts]

This is me

I didn't intend to write anything but something happened that struck my heart.

I will say that loving you is loving myself ,

Choosing you is to choose myself,

Why ?

Because this is me,

I love her and I will allow myself to love simply who I want to love regardless of the odds,

I just simply love her,

As is,

Regardless,

Endlessly,

And I feel no need to shove that away,

For I simply love, and would do what it takes to allow myself to love her and be loved by her,

Rather than to pretend I don't and force myself to not,

I can't stop loving her,

And I love her each and every day,

Perhaps a little more and more each day even when I thought I loved enough,

This is me,

And I love this beautiful young woman who inspires me consistently and encourages me to be the man I aspire to be,

This beautiful, talented ,and truly special woman

[nightly-th0ughts]

Re-evaluation II

I know there isn't much I can say but rather do

Though I have this realization often.

I often find myself realizing we have much more in common than thought.

I ask why was it so hard for me to just do whatever is necessary to make her feel safe ?

I realized that deep down inside I had this fear.

I had this fear that if I devote myself completely, and make drastic life changes, which I have done but not enough,

That what if I do it all and end up being lied to,

What if I do it all thinking it's for the best, then learn that the whole time someone was pretending to genuinely be interested in me.

Truth is, it's new to me.

That someone kissed the freckle on my hand, the one nobody really knows I have, the one I've always felt insecure about.

That someone cares about me enough to vocalize concerns the way I once did before I had it beat out of me,

I felt so confident in the fact that I love you relentlessly whilst holding on to the fear of what if,

what if I cut out the so-called "yearbook" of classmates I have on social media, just to be tricked into isolating myself for someone who lied to me the whole time ?

I found it almost impossible to accept that maybe I'm genuinely being cared for, loved and accepted because truthfully, this is brand new to me.

Now I fully realize that what was holding me back was holding onto this "yearbook" of people who barely give a damn, or probably never did,

Holding onto this friend group that changed my life during the times I was at most danger,

Yet why does it matter ?

She made a very good point, and I acknowledge it,

It doesn't matter,

Yes I had to grieve briefly, for this weakness of mine doesn't make it easy,

But seeing that I can do it felt so empowering,

If I could do it sooner, I'd do it the day I first met her,

I feel I'm a bit slow, but I've learned.

I'll do whatever it takes to make her safe,

I don't care who thinks what or what is said,

This woman is special to me,

And this moment right now is not about how much I miss her, though I miss her tremendously,

It's about what I can change to show up as my best,

It's about how I can be better,

It's about re-evaluating my actions, putting my yearning aside,

It's about realizing the roots of the issue and getting down to the bottom of it,

To me this is not you vs me, but rather us vs the issue at hand,

I don't hate myself, but I sure do loathe deeply at how my in-action made her feel,

I never knew what was coming when I first met her,

I just knew that it would change my life forever,

I know we both have some healing to do,

And I know not to heal her,

But rather to support and encourage her through it,

I just know that I love her,

And I know not what to do with how I feel,

Sometimes I wonder if I'm crazy for thinking that our connection is this strong, or if I'm being delusional all along,

I just know that I love her, and that I would do anything to reassure her that it's okay, I could've done so much better at doing so,

She doesn't know that I agree,

I didn't do my best at making her feel safe all the time,

I believe it's worth it all,

Perhaps we're not that different at all,

Yet where we are, it pushes forth the necessary growth that we need in ourselves,

And if only she knew what I meant,

I don't care what anyone thinks anymore,

I will unapologetically do everything necessary to show her that we are very much okay, and very much safe.

Perhaps this is all I'll say on here, I know I may say more, but I think I said all that I had to say on here.

This is me,

And I'm not afraid to express this.

I don't care who is right or wrong,

I care that I right my wrongs,

I care that I show the woman I love that I see her.

What I don't agree with is that our bridge must burn,

I admit that.

I feel that we should focus on our growth as a team,

I feel that what we really do need to burn is our fears,

Our old ways that hold us back,

Our old self limiting beliefs,

Our insecurities,

And all the old habits we formed out of pain,

But eachotjer?

I feel that we bring forth far more good than bad,

I feel that we can be more than who we are in our becoming,

I feel we are both dedicated to becoming our best selves,

I know who I am, and who I am becoming,

I feel that we can make it possible,

That our love can light up the room everywhere we go,

Is it crazy to feel this ?

Am I crazy for believing ?

Whatever it is,

I believe sometimes love isn't always letting go of someone,

But letting go of the things that hold us back from fully letting love in,

Sometimes I believe that love is believing despite the odds,

Showing that person how much they matter to you unapologetically,

Facing the uncertainties with confidence,

Showing them that they are beautiful in complete totality,

Not just the great stuff, but every scar, every storm,

Showing them that despite the challenge, and the growing pains,

That they are loved, and not hard to love at all,

That they are worth it all.

I hold on not only because I love her and want her in my life,

But because I want to show her that she is loved as she comes, that she is loved through every storm, through every vulnerable moment,

That I'll show up when she needs me to.

I know I can (~: ,

And welp journal, I believe this is all I'll say,

I must refrain from da webs and focus on improving more and continuing the journey I am passionate about, that is what I value, I value caring, and being my best self, for I know I can be so much better, for I want to be better, for I want to also be a better lover as well, this matters to me,

Understand it or not,

This is just me,

Goodnight 🌙

[nightly-th0ughts]

Re-evaluation

Foolish of me to think I could conceal how I feel on here and pretend, but I can't pretend for shit,

I just know I'm committed to making her feel safe by any means necessary,

I know I am, and it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me and that I'm crazy for how this could just happen so quickly.

I just know who I am and how I feel, and there's nothing I could say, I'll just learn more

I know I have a lot to learn,

As do you,

Is there something wrong with me ?

To feel a lot ? And love heavily ?

To commit ? To make exceptions ?

To think about you this much ?

I know talk is cheap,

But I believe that I can be,

The man I want to be,

I trust myself,

I feel embarrassed by being so vulnerable,

But

It's just how I feel,

Perhaps I won't say much, for I have nothing I could say, only what I must do,

I wish she could see that she's okay in my space,

For it is secure, she is truly one of a kind,

And I think that's all I shall say,

Goodnight 🌙