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I hate you cus I everything hurts without you and I’ll never be able to be okay again. I’m trying to but every day is worse. I hate you because I love you so much. Every day I wake up within ten minutes I’m breaking down again. It takes me to long to make myself get up just to pee. The only reason I do most days is cus my dog needs to go outside. I let her out and I go try to make coffee. Standing there just staring at the mug not realizing I’m crying again till I see the tears on the counter. And I mean it’s not always you I’m crying about it’s more so I’m mad at myself disappointed in myself cus I can’t even make a fucking cup of coffee without crying. Yeah I know I’m a fucking cry baby. Just man up and stop. And you know what I will but just know that when I come back and man up it’s not me anymore. I will have finished breaking I will be a shell of who I once was. I mean it was bound to happen eventually. I can’t keep going on like I am now. I’ve been lazy and depressed long enough I literally won’t survive like this. So just know that when I man up I won’t be here anymore
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I can look at the ones on the counter top it’s the box cutters in the drawer that are screaming for some action
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instagram
If I fail again there is no coming back. This is my last try
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Fucking wish I could. Only 8 days away rn and like I’m so fucking tired
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Well I’m back again. And I don’t know how to make it through this time. The thing is I’m kinda numb but at the same time the most emotional and broken I’ve ever been. I was actually happy for once like I actually learned what happy was and oh my god I never knew it could be like that. I’m kinda still in shock, like I’m trying to pretend like I can thug this one out but in reality I’m so much closer to ending it then I ever was before. But there’s this little voice in the back of my head saying “but bro you promised her you wouldn’t do it again” and it just sitting there rocking back and forth repeating its self. And it’s har because there’s another conversation going on, “yes you promised her but she’s the reason you want to die again, every breath you take hurts more then any car accident you’ve been in” “but you promised her you would never pick up that blade again” “bro you really think she cares, it was just words” and the voice starts to break and gets weaker “but you promised her” as the other voice grows louder “yeah well you’ve broken promises before why the fuck not this one” again getting a little weaker “because you promised her” and again he’s getting louder “did you really think she fucking cares about what you do, well look at what’s in front of your face bro she doesn’t fucking care” now he’s struggling to get his voice to work “but what if she does, you promised” and now the other one is screaming “fucking wake up man, you know what you want to do just go fucking get the blade and make yourself feel better”
And the conversation goes on like that for hours until I can no longer hear the one voice because he’s gotten to weak. I lay here knowing where the blade is but and picturing myself going to grab a blade but I can’t move because I know if I do I won’t hold back and I can’t let mom find that when she wakes up. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on tho. I need to get more needles and start doing more tattoos because I’m about to break my clean from physical self harm vow. I’m so close to the edge I’m about to fall
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https://www.instagram.com/reel/DDm7_Y0TltU/?igsh=aWhlYjViM2ZldDBx
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Well we had a good talk. Like I was taking to Seth cus he’s delt with this before but like now I be talked to him. I know I’m fucked. So maybe it would just be be easier if I just left. I’ve been thinking about just packing a level food some time now. But maybe o caught you kinda in time. What’s the secret to the next area Is the fact that I’m to scared to tell gvbbae that I get do nuts today
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There is always the spill like the sharp blade of that knife. I need order more neeedles so I can tattoo instead of cut but the urge is real
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Please just let me die. Like I’m trying so hard rn not to follow my wants and go slit my wrist while I walk down the street like please please something fucking take me out so I don’t look like a coward trying to not life life. Fuck I wanna die
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Sitting here pretending to have good time. Just brought home some bomb ass tacos for mom (we in MS so there is really shitty food around here finally found a 45% decent place. And my buddy is like here let’s play some video games and I’m like okay cool and tells him to get something started that way I can literally just go walk off into the rain storm that’s happening en because I just fucking want to disappear and not be around anyone like fuck I’m bout to scream “fucking go away”. I just want to fall apart while no one in around.
Oh fuck they came on and started looking at me. Now mom is talking to me. Guess I gotta pull myself together. I really don’t want to like can I please just everyone see that I’m okay while I pretend to be even okey. Like can I just break down and loose my self and slit my wrist on the side of the road without my mom wondering how I’m doing like fuck me I just want to die can you stop worrying about me.
I think that’s what makes it the hardest that people actually like rely on you for shit being as simple as funny joke or some money to get drunk and get outta my head with. Like idk how to explain to people that I want to fucking slit my wrist and watch the blood drip for like two stories. Like just please let me dy I piece. But i can’t do that because like mom wouldn’t be able to deal with it and like everyone else close to me right now I think would just be in denial and honestly if I do actually send you my tumblr link and you do read it you will be the first i. About 4 years that had even see a fraction of what I’m fighting every day. Like hole shit if you’ve even made it to this point I’m like more impressed because there is only two other people that have made it this far. But anyways I’m gonna stop rambling cus I’m bout to end getting to dark but I guess I’ll sign off with this kind of shit like if you have read this please just meager me in any way and tell me that you “hear my tumbler” even if you didn’t understand what I was saying. Well it’s a Friday night and I just got home from the bar with one of my best bros We were bout to pay darts when this majestic goddess camealked up to sever us and he just started riding drinks and now here I I am 4 shots and 3 beers later trying to calm myself down from doing some really stupid shit. Anyways maybe where I need to go is distract myself with trying to find someone around here that can actually bread my hair right
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How am I supposed to babysit/ help raise my niece to grow up to be a good person and love this world when all I want is to die already. I sit here watching her playing with blocks talking bout making a tower for a castle and my brain just goes oh a nice tall tower would be nice to jump off. I’m fucking struggling to keep it together so she doesn’t see how broken I am but I don’t know how much more I can take. I don’t want to be here anymore. Someone told me oh it’ll get better the more you watch your niece grow and idk when that supposed to happen. She 7 now and my Snapchat showed me flash backs of when I was babysitting her 6 years ago and I noticed the cuts on my wrists from back then and I look down now realizing that the only thing that has changed is she’s 6 years older and my cuts are deeper now. I just want this to be over with
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