ninx-de-soya

[ninx-de-soya]

Entry Four

My life’s been an absolute shitshow from the start of college, in a sense.

The later half of my summer, I fell in love with this guy named Kurtis who I eventually had to break up with but we’re still friends now. I say that like I didn’t have to process hours of crying, feeling, and overall just not having a good time while I started my first year of school.

This might just be a boy log but I actually met a bunch of other people while I was processing my break up with Kurtis. I met another guy named Liam, who I eventually broke it off with, then went out again with, then he dumped me because I wouldn’t go by “he” and now I realized I had a femininity complex and that completely altered the way I went about having relationships and now I’m a lonely fuck who took themselves out on valentine’s day because I had no one else to do anything with. I was stood up for an entire week and I kinda wanna say counting but it seems like life is really trying to tell me that I done did fuck up and I’m supposed to learn a lesson because all of this is part of some grand fucking scheme where none of the relationships I had while alive was real and it was all just actors and I actually don’t exist, I thought I did, but once my body wears out, it’ll all go black and I’ll only ever appreciate every inch of my life when I’m living the very last few moments.

That was a rant but I think about what it’s like when I die.

I’m not suicidal but sometimes I think, “what if I got into some freak accident and some bozo stuck me with their car that my 145 lb body couldn’t take on, one-on-one.” 

Sex/romance are kind of my weak points. When I’m not focused on either of those things, I’m pretty unstoppable. I’m a pretty astute person, I can read people pretty well and I’m usually considered to be the “smart” friend by my friends. 

I think at this point I get to visualize the different places my head goes when I use something that even remotely captures what it processes in a given moment.

I don’t know if my head’s always been this way. I know this rambling will make sense to a select few but I don’t want to diagnose anything falsely. 

It’s kind of interesting to see that I can sum up what I think sums up my life onto this point in such a small word count amount. Maybe it doesn’t and I just feel like it’s enough but in reality there was a lot of other things going on. I don’t know.

I felt like updating this because I haven’t logged onto tumblr since last summer and I lowkey feel like it doesn’t get better. Maybe it does and I just can’t comprehend it yet.

Or maybe I do.

I feel closer to my parents, community, and friends at home. I kinda wanna see them over spring break. I kinda will. I think those things are worth gaining in return for a little heartbreak over some boy who can’t take the same amount of accountability as I can. Lol

I feel a little better typing this out, I’ll see how my next update goes. Maybe life will be an even bigger shit show? We’ll see, lmao.

[ninx-de-soya]

Entry Three

I start school in September and I’ve got a good chunk of stuff filled out and finished for it.  I still have some other things lingering to do but lately I’ve been kind of drained of my mental energy to keep myself afloat for school. I’m realizing that having mental energy is something that can be managed and is worthwhile learning how to manage.  It’s like with each passing night, my mental energy is refilled to some extent and there are some mornings where seconds after I wake up, I’m expending mental energy because I have to deal with hearing the television being turned on or listening to my parents talk loudly as I sit in my room just trying to enjoy any moment of solitude that I can make the most out of while I have it. My day to day life is kind of spent recognizing that a lot of things drain my mental energy without me intentionally spending it myself. It makes me feel like there is a lack of autonomy in my life because sometimes I just want to feel like I can anticipate how I’ll wake up the next morning and not lie awake in bed feeling like I have to put up with what I can’t control. I don’t have the worst relationship with my parents, it’s just that they have their own ways of recharging or feelings like they can unwind. I like to unwind and recharge myself through things like meditation, mindfulness, and exercise. Neither of my parents do those things or at least not to the extent in which I feel like they can recognize and see when I want that for myself. I can’t change my parents. But I’m also not entirely happy living with them. There will be things I miss when I leave them for school but those will just be the highly specific and rare things about them. My day to day life with them is not exactly what I’m yearning for, even now.  They’re people and sometimes I get tired of living with people. Tired of living with people that aren’t even aware that they stunt my mental energy. I could try to explain that to them, but there’s no guarantee as to how far they’re willing to go. Maybe if I just tried with them, to try to get them to understand that I take my mental health seriously. that I feel like if I’m ever going to go anywhere I want to, being able to care for myself seriously and have the people living with me take it just as seriously, then maybe my living conditions would improve. Maybe I could find more peaceful and quiet mornings, ones where I don’t wake up listening to the mindbogglingly boring audios of unwanted television program airings because when I wake up, sometimes I just want to get right back into healing.  When I lay my head to rest, I still haven’t completely healed myself to the point where I can feel that I actually healed.  Maybe there will be a day where I feel in control. Where I don’t have to feel like every time I feel recharged and healed, it just won’t be due to chance, that I’ll actually pick up on what was done so that I can feel that way. What I consider to be feeling “good” is just calm, tranquil, and relaxed. I don’t run on happiness. While I can enjoy happiness when it comes, I’d rather be able to feel calm so that I can make decisions that ultimately make my life a little more satisfying than it was.  I think I can get there when I learn how to manage mental energy. When I actually have control of where my mental energy goes.  I start college in September and I’ve already set up goals for myself then. This is a time for prepping to properly heal myself and feel like I’m making progress towards something I used to only be able to fantasize about.  I’m able. I’m resilient. I’m here. Still here. I can do this.

[ninx-de-soya]

Entry Two

I don’t have a good handle of my emotions when I develop strong feelings for a close friend. It’s lead me to display toxic behaviors like needyness, jealousy, and attachment insecurity. In most recent events I stepped over my friend’s-who I have strong feelings for-boundaries when it comes to them pursuing anything more than friendship. I felt absolutely awful and I feel like I’ve reached an entirely different level of rock bottom. I know there’s a light at the end of this tunnel but right now my emotions are on a roller coaster. I’m currently making efforts to ingrain into my head that they don’t want romance with anyone and that’s what I feel like is the best thing I can do for them at the moment. My emotions say a lot of irrational things but I’d really prefer to finally learn how to handle myself when I have those emotions.

I’ve relapsed with friends prior that way and I just want to move beyond this cycle of hurt.

Here’s to character development and healthy support systems.

[ninx-de-soya]

Entry One

This is probably the only introduction I’ll write for this blog I’m starting, so, welcome to what’s essentially my own digital journal. As the description suggests, I’m gay, vegan, latinx, emotional, and positively nihilistic. These are key words which kind of factor into my own experience as another person navigating through this thing we call life. Queer, Latinx, Emotion, Veganism, and Positive Nihilism are my everyday. Most people will know those things about me but not everyone will assume it’s okay to just talk about those things around me. I’m kind of forgetting what my point even is, but to sum things up. If you’ve read back to how I introduced myself when I started this thing just know a majority of how I experience things revolves on being a Queer, Latinx, Emotional, Vegan, and Positively Nihilistic person.  I’m sure a bunch of future posts will talk about those things but I also wanted to point out that those are the most personal things.  In case I talk personal about character development or any other concept.