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[no-zenbot]

Life is About What is the Best Fit for You

We have all been there. An interview for a new job. Meeting someone new. Finding a specialist of some sort to perform a service for us. And what do we do? We default to “will I be enough for them?”

I have been there pretty much every single day of my life. The fact is, though, I’ve had it all wrong. Obviously, yes, I need to be qualified for positions I am going after. When it comes to friendships we either get along or not. You can fudge both for awhile life somehow has a way of righting that over time.

I was approached last week on LinkedIn for an interview. I was super excited because I have been looking for a job FOR AGES (woo pandemic). At first glance I would be a great fit for this position. I had a specific background in the field this company was catering to. I had professional experience doing the position they wanted filled. But I had questions. I had taken a look at LinkedIn profiles of the CEOs of the company and saw a few things that stood out. 

They had run another company for less than a year that had failed.

Both of these guys had almost ZERO work experience at all. 

The last concern was about how useful their “product” would work overall. I knew a lot of people in the field and, based upon their website etc. they were a bit basic in their understanding of how these things worked.

I raised all of my concerns on the first interview. Combine that with my hard limits of “I refuse to do stuff outside of my contract” and “I will not be working 24/7″ and I got the templated email response yesterday of “We have decided to move forward with other candidates.”

My very initial response to this was to be upset. What had I done wrong? Why did I always fail? Was I stupid? Not likable?

But then I circled back to all the things listed above. And in thinking about all of this again, I am not so sure that the company would even be here in a year. It would suck to spend so much time on something only for it to fail due to no fault of my own.

And then I looked at myself honestly. What is it that I want? 

I had a job where I was practically a workaholic for about three years. I do not want to be glued to Facebook and social media 24/7 ever again. Commuting into the city and back home every day is something I would like to avoid. I enjoy being here with my dog and husband. I like being able to make dinner and chill. The idea of having to constantly go-go-go just makes my stomach turn sour.

That doesn’t even start to address other things I would like to focus on like writing or working the steps of ACoA.

I am still relatively young, but I really want everything in my life to be as stress-free as possible. I had enough stress growing up. I just want to be creative and enjoy a simple life.

Beyond that, I am very lucky that I live in a country where I don’t need three jobs to make ends meet. My husband and I don’t make much money but overall we are living just fine. 

In the middle of being approached for the job via LinkedIn I was also approached by a friend I know through my last job. He offered me a position that will suit me a lot better, allow me to work 100% remotely, and only take up a few hours every week. I don’t have to worry about getting along with him (we already do) and it will leave me with ample amounts of free time to work on whatever else I want to work on.

Best part is, it keeps me working in the industry giving me more experience that I can either use for myself or for another company if/when a new position comes along that would fit all of my other needs.

A few things I learned this week:

Remember to take critique with a grain of salt. People generally give it as far as what about you suits their needs.

Be honest about who you are. It will help prevent you from taking on things that are not right for you.

And lastly, don’t be afraid to speak up when you have concerns. Your gut is there for a reason. Listen to it.

This is all new for me, too. Maybe next time I don’t get something I think I want I will be much harder on myself and spiral like I always do... but, this is a pretty good start.

[no-zenbot]

The Real Me vs Manipulation

I was talking with my husband the other night about the Laundry List. I went through each point and he was like

"I know you feel like you are some of these but you aren't. A lot of people are worse and a lot of this can be applied to most people."

I told him that maybe the difference is that we feel ashamed or guilty for even having these thoughts. And a lot of the things he said I don't do I did, in fact, used to do. Part of my draw to ACoA was that I saw current and past behaviors/traits listed. I had just unknowingly started finding things to work on all on my own.

Fact: when I feel someone has gotten too close or been too kind my first reaction is to force the relationship to implode. How dare this person think I'm worthy of kindness, understanding, and respect? Can't they see I'm worthless? If they think I'm worthy I'll show them exactly how unworthy I can be. Thankfully, however, I've figured this out about myself and I have the ability (usually) to say "What is it that you actually want to happen with this person? Do you think being overly dramatic, rude, or downright hurtful is going to achieve that goal? OK then you need to take yourself somewhere else. Calm down. Realize that you want what they are offering you and that it is OK to want. You are worthy of respect and understanding."

That shit is hard, yo. I am not always on the ball when it happens but how quickly my brain can go from somewhat reasonable to "let's light this bitch on fire." is somewhat terrifying.

My husband tries to be helpful about my mother's alcoholism but he doesn't fucking get it. I don't care if she can't control it. She cannot even take any simple step to try and control it. She is literally so bogged down in being a victim that there is nothing I can do. I told him flat out that she never chose me so why should I burn for her? If it is down to my sanity or having a relationship with her... I choose my sanity.

Now you'll all wonder why my husband would even say anything like that. He comes from a home where his father was physically abusive. He really does make excuses for pretty much anyone and everyone that treats him like shit. "This is just one thing and the rest of the time and in every other way they are ok." Yeah, no one really gets that pass from me anymore. He does at times because he's proven his ability to at least try to better himself (and has been successful in some areas). But I'm not here making excuses for anyone. If I meet you and my inner alarm system sounds it was nice to meet you but.... BYE.

He is absolutely right, though. I am a terrible judge of my own character. This is something my best friend says as well. That I'm flawed but actually really nice, empathetic, chill, funny, I tackle a lot of shit head-on.

I wonder if I'm nice and chill because I actually am or if I've been conditioned to be that way. I don't feel nice or chill on the inside and if people knew the things that went on in my head...

Am I masking to manipulate people so they don't abandon me?

[no-zenbot]

Starting this tomorrow. It is a good day to start yet another chapter of my healing as I had a gastric bypass 5 years, tomorrow.

[no-zenbot]

I found an ACA chat online that holds meetings every day. So far I really appreciate it. I've attended two meetings so far to get an idea of how things go. I haven't had the courage to share anything as of yet.

But that is the truth.

I am an Adult Child. I am because of how I grew up. I am because of how I was treated or mistreated by my parents. But I'm tired of living that way. I'm tired of what their issues caused me to become and I want to figure out who the fuck I am beneath all the lies and bullshit pushed off on me. There are so many layers. So much to examine and think about. So much to come to terms with.

I was skeptical about meetings. But, just hearing other people's experiences makes me realize and/or question my own feelings about what I've been through. In fact, it has already started to reshape how I view certain situations in my head. Reassuring me that I've already made some good decisions.

There is still so much to tackle but I feel like maybe I might actually be able to do it now. To write about it and share what my process is.

[no-zenbot]

[no-zenbot]

My Mother’s Name is Bacardi

And she isn’t welcome in my life.

I had a dream the other night that my mother told me I was worthless and throwing my life away. That I wasn’t living up to my potential. I told her to go fuck herself.

I woke up at 5:55 am to use the bathroom. She had sent me a text message at 5:51. 

For some more background: the last time I had any contact with my mother was back in March when I returned home from Chicago during the pandemic. The purpose of that email was solely to let her know that my husband and I were safe and nothing more. The last text message between us was from her in May of 2019. My point is; we aren’t in contact regularly, nor do we text.

This whole thing left me scratching my head. Do we have some kind of connection? If we do I sure as shit don’t want it.

I will start off with this so I am clear: My mother is not a bad person.

I am well aware of the fact that she is human. She is allowed to have flaws and be a person. She isn’t JUST my mother. There are things about her but I also feel like that is a good thing. I honestly don’t want to know ALL about everything she has ever gone through.

However, my mother is also an alcoholic and she has been my entire life. In fact, it is one of the many reasons my parents got a divorce. 

I have been struggling the last 24 hours to decide if I should respond to her text message. Someone I don’t know very well told me the polite thing to do would be to respond. I countered that the polite thing to do would be to not drunk text your child at 5 am.

I am reminded of the scene from Notting Hill where Hugh tells Julia to have some perspective and she says “You’ve been dealing with this shit for a few minutes, I’ve been dealing with this for years. Our perspectives are very different.”

And it is true. Small coils of bullshit  become a much bigger mounds of bullshit to deal with when it has been piling up for decades. Just toss it on the top of the heap with the rest of the steaming dung. A hill of things that cannot be dealt with and isn’t useful to anyone or anything.

Don’t get me wrong. I tried. I tried so hard to be the tough love, supply the firm support she needed. Handed her truths about life and how I saw things and how I saw her (you are flawed but we all are, you have a choice to make) and nothing works. She is set on being a victim. On  having the “good time” she so “deserves.” The honest truth here is that my feelings, needs, wants, desires, have not been on her radar for a very very long time, if ever.

If we want to be even more honest I don’t even know who she is. I don’t have a relationship with my mother and I never have. I have had a relationship with alcohol. I have a mother and her name is Bacardi.

There is, of course, more to all of this. If you have grown up with an alcoholic parent you know what it is like to grow up without stability and structure. You know what it is like to only allow yourself to display the safe emotions which are dictated by the alcoholic at all times. Don’t be sad but for fuck sake don’t be too happy either. You learn from an early age that pretty much any problem you have is a HUGE burden on them. It often leads to meltdowns and breakdowns over how hard life is. How little money there is. How stressful it makes THEIR life. So what do you do? You wear your socks and shoes until there are holes in them. You don’t turn in your lunch money at school and don’t eat. You hide how you are feeling by sneaking food at home and other people’s houses because you are, in fact hungry. You eat when you aren’t hungry because if you don’t you suffer through endless questioning from your drunk mother about if she cooked for you properly.

You make yourself sick and obese. You almost develop cancer at 24. You move over 4,000 miles away to decompress and almost 10 years later you still haven’t managed to.

You realize that your inability to handle even the smallest things in life are because everything was turned into a massive fucking deal. No matter how small everything was blown up into some huge drama that was painful to overcome. Never once in my life was I told “Hey, it’s ok! We can handle this.” NOT.A.SINGLE.TIME.

I remember once my mother lost the password for her bank account and when I couldn’t figure it out (because there isn’t the ‘forgot password?’ link...) she had a meltdown and told me that we would be evicted and it was all my fault.

When I was eleven my sister decided the fun thing to do would be to call our house and leave a message on the answering machine that included a whole slew of swear words. She then blamed it on me. I had to listen as my mom flipped out about us knowing such words and how she didn’t know the word “fuck” until she was raped at the age of 13. Full blown crying, yelling meltdown. At her 11 year old. This was after I had been molested by a friend’s father, mind you.

I could go on and on about the trauma I suffered as a child of an alcoholic. I doubt I could even name all of the ways in which she scarred me. But trust me when I say the list would go on and on.

After speaking with my other friend, one that is way better versed in my history he was like “block her number.” I had totally forgotten that I can actually block a number from texting me. For some reason I had it in my head that I could only block people from calling me. 

I told him that I don’t have anything to say to her that would result in the outcome I desire. I’ve said everything I have to say and I am done.

Boundaries are good. You do NOT have to be polite to anyone who has treated you poorly. Not when it jeopardizes your mental health.

I guess the good thing that came out of this is that I am done being silent about all the things I suffered through as a child. I am done protecting people who very obviously do not give a shit about what I want, need, or desire. 

I am chill, but I’m no zenbot.