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[nomenomens]

Nomen

Chapter XXXV - Still Don't Know My Name

TW : in the third paragraph are mentioned eating disorders (mildly). You can skip the paragraph as it doesn't add anything too relevant to the current plot. For more informations, please check 'About Nomen'

WC : around 3000 words

Previous Chapter : How Can You Mend A Broken Heart

Next Chapter : I Wish It Would Rain Down

Masterlist

*****************************************************

June 23, Thursday, 18:02 (present time)

It was suddenly clear to me that those trips to Japan Sebastian took periodically meant more than what I thought. I was disappointed in myself by not ever questioning them before, blindly trusting my demonic butler. I tried to repeat to myself that I didn’t have a choice and that for a long time Sebastian was my only anchor, but it didn’t make me feel better at all. It was true that only recently I started to doubt him and his behaviour, after years of ignoring others’ warnings, and there was even a time when I thought I was going to develop some kind of romantic feelings for him. The promises I made to my brother saved me from that fate. My mind was running at a hundred miles and my conscience was having trouble keeping up with every thought. Words ran after words inside my head, so I decided to immediately update Albert. He was helping me discovering the identity of A-Yuan and now we had a clue: Japan. I knew Sebastian often flew to Tokyo, which itself wasn’t necessarily a clue since most of the factories and their offices where dislocated in that area. Following Sebastian was out of question, as it was impossible to outsmart him in his own games, but maybe cameras along the city or the people he was in contact with from the factories could give me and Albert some real clues. 

“…Captain, you have my phone there, right? You already know my code, so could you please call Albert for me?”

The silence that came from the passenger seat at my right made me quickly turn to see if something was wrong. Since I was driving I couldn’t decipher his expression correctly, so I asked. 

“Something’s wrong? Were you listening to me?”

“Yes. No. I’ll do…you’re driving, you shouldn’t…”

“You’ll just have to hold the phone closer to my face after you turn on the speaker. It won’t distract me more than singing does, even if I realize I’m on edge now.”

“Yes, but…is it okay for me to hear this? He’s your…”

“I trust you, Captain. You can listen to this, and if you’ll have questions later, I’ll give the best explanation I can. But time is of the essence and when I’ll get home, I won’t have the possibility to call him soon.”

I turned again, briefly, and met his eyes. 

“I do trust you, sir. Do you trust me?”

“Tsk. Look ahead, you.”

Good. Whatever happened, he was turning back to being his usual self. I smiled as I heard him scoff, silently thanking him to agree on helping me. He leaned his hand over the small shoulder space of my seat, as to find a comfortable position to held my phone as closer as possible to me while trying to connect with Albert. Music had stopped along with the first attempt to contact Albert, and in the silence I sensed shivers running through my spine. My mind was filled only with the hope of finally finding a clue about A-Yuan and Jiang Cheng. Albert’s voice brought me back to reality. 

“That’a first.”

“What?”

“You contacting me first. I swear it’s the first time.”

“That proves you’re a liar, Albert.”

“Anyway, what happened? You calling me first and at this hour…you remember I’m in China, right? It’s almost one a.m. here.”

“Yes, I know, but I just realized something and I need you to go to Japan as soon as possible. Tokyo to be precise.”

“Tell me more, I’ll try to book a flight for tomorrow.”

I tried to explain about my suspicion about Sebastian’s regular trips to Tokyo after my brother’s death, but as I started speaking I realized maybe it was just my imagination. 

“Am I crazy?”

“Well…it is weird that he didn’t do it before, when Cesare was alive, but it’s not a clue. Look, since we didn’t find anything here in China, I’ll try to look into it. I just need his schedule.” 

“Thank you, Albert. The fact is, I never questioned his trips since he always helped me a lot with the factories, but right now there’s no need for him to go there so often since technology changed the way to do businesses. Maybe it’s all in my head…”

“Vic, listen to me. I have the time and means to investigate there. In any case we could at least rule one option out, it’s not a waste of time or of my work. I know you’ll worry about that but there’s no need to.”

“You know me well.”

“That is why I actually know you’ll worry anyway.”

“Indeed.”

We both chuckled. It was nice to speak with him like this, casually and with the certainty to be understood. 

“Vic…I miss this.”

“Yeah, me too. Well, we were friends first.”

“Yes but…”

“Albert. Thank you.”

“Yeah. Okay, I get it. I’ll let you know soon.”

“Bye.”

“Bye…wait wait wait!”

“What?”

“Maddy birthday.”

I laughed loudly. He still remembered it. Since I had always hated my birthday, the first one I celebrated with him I forbade him from giving me his best wishes. At my firm ban, since Albert still wanted to acknowledge my birthday anyway, he suddenly came up with this invented word that came from the word ‘mad’. It was a real jump to the past filled with nostalgic emotions of simpler and slightly happier times. 

“Thank you. Bye.”

“Bye.”

Captain Ackerman closed the call for me and retook his correct pose on the passenger seat, distancing from me. After a few seconds of silence, I decided to explain what he had just heard. 

“Thank you for helping me, Captain. To make it brief, I think I could have a sort of an adoptive nephew, and Albert is helping me search for him without involving Sebastian. Since the day you saved me, I saw Seb’s action as ambiguous and my trust in him has decreased. Albert’s helping me to find my other brother, because yes, I probably have another one who could help me doing…let’s just say something, I don’t want to annoy you with the details. Anyway, this adoptive nephew could be a link to find him, maybe he can tell us something useful, but we don’t know much about his identity.”

“I see. Well, seems right he’s helping you since he’s your fiancée.”

The little flex in his voice made me almost think he was acting jealous. Dangerous thought, since the Captain wasn’t remotely thinking of me in that way. Even so, I decided to clear up the misunderstanding. 

“He is. But we aren’t together, not anymore.”

“What does it mean?”

“He’s my fiancée according to more than one file. We started as friends and then we developed into something more but he was in love with someone else. I broke up with him when…it doesn’t matter anymore. Anyway, I was hurt and I made him leave even if he wanted to stay together. It’s been years since then. I saw him after years when I introduced you two, do you remember it?”

“I do.”

“We’ve been talking since that day. He says he wants to try again, but I know he is actually scared of the consequences of us not being together because of the files. So I didn’t broke off the engagement, but I won’t marry him. I don’t love him and whatever he says, he doesn’t love me.”

“You just admitted to miss each other though.”

“Not exactly, we miss the way we talked. Our friendship. That is true. I really miss having someone like him to talk to, someone who understands me and makes me laugh.”

“Seems like you love him.”

“I can assure you, my heart is somewhere else.”

Maybe I was saying a bit too much, but then again, I made a fool of myself in front of him more times than I could count, one more wouldn’t be noticed. It wasn’t a confession after all. As I felt Captain Ackerman's eyes on me, I hoped he would’ve wondered a bit about where my heart was, just as I wondered if, in another life, I could’ve gotten a chance with him. 

****************************************************

As she pulled the car in front of the villa’s gate, I remembered about that night when I first talked to her outside the scheduled meetings with the Squad. She showed her most vulnerable state, but since she didn’t actually wanted to talk about her troubles with almost a complete stranger, I never asked her anything, even if I often wondered about what could’ve led her to that miserable state. I replayed her words about her relationship with Albert, recalling the relief I felt when she clarified her feelings, and the sting I felt when she called her butler ‘Seb’ in such an affectionately manner and also the weird worry I felt for her. Everything was pointing towards a particular feeling, but I was doing everything in my power to ignore every signals. The only thing missing was something unmistakable and striking, but I was determined to not let it happen. When the car stopped, I opened my door while saying my goodbye. 

“Thank you, Miss. I hope you’ll find who you’re looking for.”

“You’re speaking like we won’t see each other anymore.”

“Well…”

“Relax, I was joking. We don’t have to see us, we’re not proper friends. But I’m glad we’ve cleared the air.”

“Right. Well then, I hope you’ll spend a good evening.”

“Thank you, Captain.”

She drove off as soon as I closed the door. I entered the villa and saw Mey-Rin almost tripping up on the trail she was using to collect the dirty linens of the youngsters’ rooms. I had an agreement with her to let me clean my room by myself to bring it up to my standards and let myself feel useful, but I had to admit she was really good and had a lot to teach me in terms of technologies like the washing machines, something that really fascinated me, long more than cars did. Cars. They were dangerous, especially her small white car, one that made a lot of noises she often apologized for. The Miss explained to me it was because the car she was using was old and not expensive, so the noises were worsening with time, but she liked that car anyway. Bianca was the car’s name, that was actually the Italian feminine translation of the color white. I smiled remembering the absurdity of it all. I entered my bedroom and once again mental images of her filled my thoughts, it was like a part of me knew there were unfinished businesses between us. I realized there was something I wanted to do, or better, to say. But for that I needed Mey-Rin’s help. I hoped she would help me without asking questions, in name of the bond we had built over washing machines and household products. 

****************************************************

Every sound around me was muffled. The cutlery tickling, the laughs from other tables around us, my parents’ chatting. I kept bringing the fork to my mouth like a robot would do, cutting every single piece of my meal into tiny bits before eating it. My grandma, seated beside me, had the same habit. She was doing so because if made her feel noble, reminding her of her glorious days as a beautiful young girl surrounded by luxe. In reality, it was only because she worked as a salesgirl in one of the many boutiques in the centre of Rome, and for a while she dreamt of being part of that shining world which the actresses that shopped inside her store told her about. She spent all of her life like that, dreaming of a life she had never properly lived, just witnessed from the outside of a popular neighborhood, where she married, had children and lived as a wife and mother for forty years. When I was little, I loved seeing her sparkling eyes while recalling those days, but now I could see that beneath that surface there was a melancholic tone of a life not full lived as she wanted. I feared becoming like that so much. I looked at her, with her perfectly matching clothes and accessories and wondered how much her life would’ve been different if only…if only everything was different. If only she would have the courage to escape the rules society dictated over young girls of her age and time. I asked myself how many times she repeated herself the same question. Even so, she always kept that image of herself as an elegant woman, from the way she dressed to the way she ate, even if her speech and accent were the proof of her belonging to a concrete world, made of problems and popular traditions. From her I had learned the proper way to appear, to take care of my appearance, and not once she had judged me for my size, as others did. That was the big difference between the nature of our shared manner of eating: she had little bites because it was more polished to do so, while I did that way mostly because I was ashamed of eating in front of others. I never developed an eating disorder, but for sure my relationship with food wasn’t perfect. I cleaned my mouth before drinking water. As the cold liquid flowed inside my body I regained consciousness of my surroundings. The restaurant, the people beside me, my actions. I smiled at my dad in front of me and regained my meal. 

I only wished for everything to end. 

But then, what was supposed to end? My feelings? My life? My worries? My life was empty, my actions were meaningless. I was melancholic about a life half-lived as my grandma, even if I knew I had no right to complain. I was lucky enough. I had to remind myself of that. 

I was lucky enough. But then, why it wasn’t enough?

****************************************************

June 24, Friday, 00:06 (present time)

“Good night, Roni.”

“‘Night, ma’.”

I went to the bathroom to wash my face from the makeup I wore at dinner. My mum had the first turn in our shared bathroom, and was now going to bed, where my dad was already sleeping, as he had his own little bathroom and was more tired than us. I looked at myself in the mirror. No, this wasn’t the right time to contemplate my features and realize how badly I was looking, it had been a rough day already. Passing the exam, the possible truth about the boy named A-Yuan, and consequentially the possible lies Sebastian told me. Everything was too much for one day, especially when I remembered Captain Ackerman’s actions. Now that I thought about it, what was the surprise Mizuki wanted to organize? Well, not that I cared for surprises, but I wondered if something had gone wrong. Still, I shouldn’t know anything about it, so I couldn’t question it. I went back inside my room and almost jumped at Mey-Rin, unusually standing there. I whispered. 

“God, you made me jump!”

“I’m sorry, Ma’am.”

“Don’t worry. I was lost in my own thoughts…what are you doing here? Something happened?”

“No, Ma’am, everything’s fine. But could you go out on the balcony?”

I smiled at her and went out. So the surprise was this, having desserts with Mizuki under the stars. I was relieved it was only something this simple, Mizuki knew me well. He made the biscuits with his own hands, I had to admit he was talented, far more than me to make them. We chatted for a few minutes before I went back on my own. We reached an agreement: I would sleep alone from now on. He could place a spell to monitor my breathing and heartbeat, so he would know if anything was wrong, but I needed to have my own space now. I had to become stronger alone. Maybe this wasn’t the best solution or the right time, but I needed to gain some kind of independence. We parted, after he kissed my forehead, and I came back inside my room. As I was preparing my bed, I noticed a note on the pillow. Mom sometimes did that. I smiled as I picked up the note and a single dried daisy fell. Surely it was mom, she knew I loved daisies. I turned the card to read the message. 

“I hate birthday wishes too.”

This wasn’t my mom. It wasn’t signed and I couldn’t recognize the calligraphy, but only one person could have wrote it, excluding the ones who already made their wishes or who would never say something like this. But Captain Ackerman wouldn’t do something like that either, so why was I picturing him while writing those words? I let myself fall on the bed, looking time and time again at his calligraphy. It was just like the one of a kid who had just learned to write, since the characters were different from the one he had used during his life. Even so, anyone would’ve said the person behind it was elegant and firm. I giggled while thinking how crazy I had become about this man in just a few months and with very few conversation shared. Yes, we had kissed and been intimate too, but my heart was bursting for a little card with only five words inscribed. It wasn’t a declaration or anything similar, but to me, it meant the world. Captain Ackerman had wrote me a note. And let me found it on my pillow. I pressed the card on my lips, still deformed from the stupid smile that was stamped on my face. A realization came through: it wasn’t signed. I was sure it was his note, looking at the calligraphy and the words used there was no one else I could think of, but more than anything, we never used our names. I was just ‘miss’ to him, since he refused to use a name that wasn’t linked to my whole identity, and I always called him by his martial title. Never once our names had left our lips. And not even our pens or texts. Lyrics came up as I mumbled them. 

"And I would die your slave  for you right now,  but you still don't know my name. Wish you, wish you'd come over. Missed you, kissed you and make-believe  I'm dreamin' of all the possibilities."

I was losing my sanity. I decided to reply to his note with another note, without even thinking about texting him as it happened before. I wrote my reply and then left it on my desk, waiting for tomorrow to come and ask Mey-Rin to deliver it. 

Unfortunately, the day after, another letter stole the scene. 

****************************************************

Author's note: *makes giggling noises* I love notes. It is a bit decadent, but to me that's so Levi-coded, I couldn't stop myself from writing about it. Of course our protagonist wouldn't answer with a text, so she writes back but yes, it won't go everything as planned. You'll have to wait next week to figure out which other letter 'stole the scene', but you can probably guess it, looking at the main plot. Speaking of the song here quoted in the title, the song comes directly from Euphoria's soundtrack, a show I haven't seen, but I knew this song anyway. It is being used only based on the lyrics, not the meaning it may have inside the show (if it has one). Anywoo, thank you for reading and see you soon!

[nomenomens]

Nomen

Chapter XXXIV - How Can You Mend A Broken Heart

TW : none for now, but please check 'About Nomen' for more informations

WC : around 2300 words

Previous Chapter : Amandoti

Next Chapter : Still Don't Know My Name

Masterlist

******************************************************

Four years ago, Paradis Island

“Levi, we have to go now.”

“Give me another five minutes.”

"I can think of younger days when living for my life was everything a man could want to do. I could never see tomorrow, I was never told about the sorrow."

Hange closed the door behind her, knowing I always maintained my promises. Whoever bedroom it was, I have to say it was tidier than I would’ve expected. Only a single bed, few other furnitures. I wanted to pick up a vase from the living room, but seemed like there wasn’t one around, so I grabbed a wine bottle. I weighed it in my hand, thinking about drinking it all by myself. I opened it and the smell suggested it wasn’t really a good idea to do so. Probably the bottle wasn’t properly closed or whatever happened I couldn’t care less. I emptied it outside the window, knowing very well how no one was walking on the street anymore. Shiganshina had been empty since years ago, now there were only the few of us trying to recover the forces to go into that fucking basement. Flowers. I needed some flowers. I was even searching for a vase but I still didn’t have flowers to put inside the bottle. I looked outside the main door of that house I had just broken into and picked a few wildflowers. 

“Look at the shit I do for you. I even picked flowers for you, you damned blondie.”

"And how can you mend a broken heart? How can you stop the rain from falling down? Tell me, how can you stop the sun from shining? What makes the world go 'round?"

Inside the house there was still a bucket full of water, probably a remanent of the last rain that leaked through the open window under where it was positioned. Again, I couldn’t care less how there was still water in that bucket, I just dipped the bottle inside it, wetting my sleeve, to collect some water before putting the wildflowers inside. It was all pointless, as those flowers would deteriorate even in a bottle with water, but I was still determined to do so. I went upstairs, in the garret, and positioned the bottle on the bedside table under the window. Flowers needed water and sun. Sun. He was my sun. I had just lost my sun. I looked over at him. His body was now resting on that stranger’s bed I had just tidied before, with the rest of the room, because I couldn’t permit to leave Erwin there, surrounded by dust and cobwebs, even if his body would deteriorate soon, even if I was planning of going back and give him another burial. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. Actually, I was used to do so, but I knew this was different. I grabbed his cape and smelled it. There was still a bit of his smell on the collar area, the rest smelled of blood, rusty and pungent. Without properly thinking, I put his cape around me and used mine to cover his body. Before I could cover his face though, I caressed his cheek for the last time. 

“You know I keep my promises. I even told you I would’ve killed you the first day we met and, in the end, I really did it. So, if you’re watching, listening to me or whatever, I promise to you again that I’ll kill that fucking monkey. I won’t rest until that piece of shit is lying six feet underground. I’m sorry I…I couldn’t find a better way to bury you. Maybe one day I’ll be back and I’ll put you next to your father or I don’t know. Before that though, I’ll learn the truth for you. I lo… well, you know it. It doesn’t matter anymore.”

As I covered up his face with my cape I felt my heart ache, as if someone was squeezing it, leaving me breathless. I dropped on my knees at the side on the bed and my hand grabbed his. I wasn’t ready to let him go. 

“You even thanked me, you fucking jerk! If I ever find you in another life I’ll make you regret this. I’ll make sure to really break your legs.” 

"I can still feel the breeze that rustles through the trees and misty memories of days gone by, but we could never see tomorrow Would you believe that no one, no one ever told us about the sorrow?"

I didn’t cry in that moment, mostly because rage was burning every single other emotion, but still my lips trembled when I kissed his knuckles before getting up and look at him one last time. It was time to walk down the stairs and reach Hange, Mikasa and Eren to visit that damned basement. As I finally moved the hood to cover his face, I whispered one last sentence. 

“I just wished we would have more time, Erwin Smith.”

“Help me mend my, my broken heart.”

******************************************************

June 23, Thursday, 17:48 (present time)

“You felt guilt too, right?”

"I-"

She interrupted my answer and maybe it was better this way. I was never good at reading feelings. I often refused to even give a name to what I felt, because giving a name to some kind of emotions seemed to only worsen the situation, making it more real. The exact moment she asked me if I had felt guilt too, my feelings, confused as they were, started to make sense and took form. Yes, I was feeling guilty, but I wasn’t sure about what. Probably towards Erwin’s memory, as I got intimate with someone when I was so sure it would never happen again. Perhaps even towards her, as I gave in on my instincts without thinking about the consequences. Or worse, choosing to ignore them. Maybe even because I wasn’t truly caring for her, but only for the warmth she had provided me with a few touches, and in the back of my mind I knew I could’ve given in again to feel it one more time, breaking principles I didn’t even knew belonged to me. 

“I…Well, I…Mizuki asked me to stall you for a while.”

For a moment I thought it would be better to speak clearly, but her answer to my search for honesty echoed through my head and so I decided to confess something entirely different from what I originally wanted to say. Exposing the favor Mizuki asked of me wasn’t even on my mind, since I had developed the urge to talk to her during the trip to her university, an urge that made me almost forgot about that stupid mission. But once again, something stopped me from clarifying the misunderstanding, as it happened that day, when I didn’t ask her to stay. And so, as I did before, I let her assume whatever she wanted, even if it was partially wrong. In the end, she was right about something: it wasn’t a mistake, but it was better to go on. There was a weird peace that followed that statement, as if we both knew it was just an unstable superficial calm that made the silence between us almost touchable and even the most innocent word could make it worsen. I washed my conscience thinking it would have been wrong to ask her to stay when I was lost in confusion, but my own lies became clear when I recalled how my body reacted at the sound of the honk of the car that almost hit her. As music and her singing went on, I remembered how I felt the pit of my stomach drop at the sound of that honk. I didn’t even see her at the traffic light, since I was looking at my own feet, but for an obscure reason, as I heard that sound I sensed it was about her and my body reacted swiftly, turning and searching for a way to her. With the same speed I stopped as soon as I saw her speaking to the man inside the car, and as relief flushed all over my blood, I realized it wasn’t like me. I was used to adrenaline and I was capable of dominate every single emotion, even when surprised, but this time worry took the best of me for the first time in years. That was part of the warmth she provided to me, and I was scared of losing this sensation again. 

"How can you mend this broken man? Yeah, somebody tell me. How can a loser ever win? 'Cause, baby, help me mend my, this old broken heart. I think I, I believe I I feel like I got to, I feel like I wanna live again."

Worry. It was strange to even think about being worried about her, like it wasn’t real, just a figment of my imagination. As if I was in someone else’s body. There was a chance she had helped me find soothe in the act of living and surviving without me being properly aware of it. The way she looked at me, how she responded to my presence, the blushing, the stuttering…I wasn’t blind. At first I was irritated, but even so I wasn’t capable to suppress the warmth those attention provided to me. Only now I understood how much those little things, her attention had affected me and cracked an opening in a part of me I thought was forever lost. I closed my eyes. Guilt overtook my senses, replaying time and time again Erwin’s words. 

“Levi…Thank you.”

Thank you. Thank you. A phrase that should sound sweet and bring relief, but to me, it only brought trouble and pain. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Those were also her words while she was letting herself die at Akura-Ou’s hands. I never truly understood why she said that. Maybe one day I’ll ask her. But how did her face and her voice overtook Erwins’, just right now? I sighed while passing my index finger over my forehead, desperately trying to regain myself and focusing on my surroundings searching for a sound to anchor me. Unfortunately, the only thing I could hear was her music and her singing voice. There was no escaper from her. I noticed there were lyrics she sang with a stronger intensity, but I knew it usually corresponded to some kind of difficult situation she faced while driving. At an important crossroad, while turning, while hitting the brake suddenly. She channeled attention increasing the volume of her singing. I remembered noticing this weird habit of her even on the first time she gave me a lift, when I had found her crying in the middle of the road, leaned over the hood of her car. That night, I thought only an idiot would cry and scream in the middle of the road, and I was surprised to see the idiot in question was her. Remembering Miss in that occasion stung somewhere beneath my ribs. I looked at her, but then I saw a tear fall down from under her sunglasses. Another sting. The song in the background was in Italian, but I could feel it was important to her, even if the meaning was hidden to me. I looked at the screen on her player to look at the title, hoping it would give some hint about the content. ‘Amandoti’. I decided to search for the meaning later. I didn’t want to put her again in a stressful situation by asking difficult questions about her or the song, so I tried to make a conversation to distract her. While asking I wondered why I was worrying about her again. Before with the car, now with her silent tears, weeks ago with her expressions, I was always worrying for her, and I was scared to acknowledge the reason why. 

“So, where is Sebastian?”

“Oh, yes. I’m sorry Mizuki asked you to do this.”

“I wasn’t asking because of that.”

“Why then?”

“Because the timing seemed a bit off. He seemed to be worried about you hiding things from him.”

“Seb doesn’t worry, he only thinks about preparing his meal properly.”

Seb. I knew they were really close, but I wasn’t expecting that hearing her calling him by a nickname would made me raise my eyebrow. But it wasn’t only the nickname that made me upset. What was she talking about? Meal? 

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Nothing you should know about. In any case, he said he had to take part on a meeting on my behalf in Japan. It’s not unusual, we have some factories there, that’s why I told Hange I could help you all, even with the Azumabito’s. Seb often goes there, especially since my brother…wait. Oh, God. I can’t believe it.”

“What?”

She slammed her hand over the steering wheel while slightly accelerating on the highway. I noticed she had just stopped singing and how she was chewing her bottom lip. For a moment I left all of my questions about whatever was going on inside her head in a remote corner of my mind, focusing on her features and how rapidly they changed. It was obvious how her mind must’ve been making thousands of connections in a few seconds. She took her time answering me and when she did, it wasn’t even a proper answer.

“I just realized…that fucking bastard! I’m really an idiot! Captain, you have my phone there, right? You already know my code, so could you please call Albert for me?”

What? 

******************************************************

Winter, almost five years ago

“Sebastian?”

“Yes, My Lord.”

“A-another thing.”

“You shouldn’t speak, My Lord.”

“Don’t fret S-Sebastian. I-I know this are my last moments. But I have to make sure…that everything is in order bef…before I go.”

“You already gave me orders about your sister.”

“I know, I wasn’t speaking of my L-Lucrezia. I hate my-myself for leaving her like this but…”

“My Lord, your right ear is bleeding again.”

“S-shit. Well, Sebastian, let m…let me say this. I order you…mereda…find A-Yuan and make s-sure he’s a…alive, that he stays alive. I regret not c-contacting him s-sooner but…I thought…Lucrezia…Luce…I need more time w-with h…”

“Yes, My Lord. Please, rest now. I’ll search for the phisician.”

The only sounds in the room were my stepping and the troubled breathing of My Lord. I was ready to collect his soul but I sensed it wasn’t really his time to go. I could still wait a bit more. Usually I would’ve already deceived him and eaten him, but his soul was different, so complex and fascinating, I just wanted to prolong the wait and take my time to properly taste his soul. Even in this poor condition of his, I could already foretaste him on the point of my tongue. Poor soul, he didn’t even realized we were already in contact with his precious A-Yuan through his contacts in Japan. Well, it wouldn’t do any good to him to tell him now, right? Why make him see that his adopted nephew was the frail and scary boy dipped in the mafia? When we escaped China, he wasn’t experienced enough to gave me the correct order about how to properly take care of that child, as he only asked for to ensure the boy could have the means to not feel lonely and survive. Of course what I did wasn’t a good job, since My Lord asked to me to give priority into searching for his sweet sister Lucrezia instead of assuring A-Yuan a good life. I did what I could, and even gifted the little one with a blessing or two before letting him go. Or maybe they were curses, it’s all a matter of perspective after all. 

******************************************************

June 24, Friday, 3:02 (present, Japan’s time) 

“Sebastian-sama?”

“Yes.”

“Welcome to Tokyo. I’m the designated driver the Funtom Corporation choose for you today. Where do you want to go, sir?”

“To Yokohama Bay, please.”

“Yes, sir.”

What My Lord ordered me right before dying was constantly haunting me, and it was binding me to his will because his soul hasn’t been consumed yet. That lost fragment of his soul was still assuring a truce between me and Claude. This meant I still had to obey his last orders, including the one asking me to make sure that the little A-Yuan stays alive. My Lady shouldn’t know about him though, as he A-Yuan was a part of his brother’s life that was long forgotten, even by his Hanguang-Jun. The only one who knew about him was probably Jiang Cheng, only because they had met briefly when I was taking A-Yuan away from the Burial Mounds were the battle was enraging. My master himself had asked to me to keep the secret with anyone else when we first left China and I still had to continue to do so, never saying a word about the lost boy. My Lord never asked anything about the child and so his whereabouts were forgotten, until in his death bed, when he asked to search for him again. That was why, with an excuse, periodically I travelled to Tokyo, making sure the boy was still breathing, which was ironic considering his physical conditions. But it was My Lord’s fault was to not have been specific about the future health and wealth A-Yuan should’ve lived in. I knew leaving him so little in the slums with a bunch of children wasn’t a good choice, but I had to admit, he grew stronger than I predicted. His name was known and people feared him. I was sure My Lord would’ve preferred something else entirely, but he messed up with his files by choosing me as an ally, and so little A-Yuan lived a poor a miserable life, even if I got him a sister, so he wouldn’t be lonely, and his powers, perfect to hunt and survive anywhere. I gave him what my master asked for him after all, but if they were blessings or curses…it was just a matter of perspective.

******************************************************

Author's note: Hi! Yes, I know, it was probably painful to read about how I imagined Levi's private goodbye to Erwin, I tried to pour my best in it. I used the famous panel where Levi clarifies to Armin how he choose to let Erwin die and we're showed an image of Erwin covered by a cape in a simple room with flowers in what seemed to be a wine bottle (chapter 85 of AoT). The song doesn't need any explication, it represents part of Levi's thoughts but, since he's not thinking of that song which he doesn't even know it exist, I decided to put the lyrics on the right, as I did some other time before. The song, which comes from the soundtrack of Notting Hill, is meant to describe the feelings, not a memory or a way to express himself. Later the song also asks for a way to escape that heartbreak and we all know where this is going, no point in hiding it anymore. Well, my intentions are clear, but it's all a matter of how we're going to see this story develop. Before letting you go, two more things. I used the term "mereda" which in Japanese should mean something around "I order you", it's a formula used in "Kuroshitsuji", and even the "My Lord" thing come from there of course. As second, did you figure out the other identity of A-Yuan? I promise to reveal it later, but from here you can also guess it easily I think. As always, thank you for reading and see you soon!

[nomenomens]

Nomen

Chapter XXXIII - Amandoti

TW : none for now, but please check 'About Nomen' for more informations. The translations of the lyrics involved are at the end of the chapter.

WC : around 3400 words

Previous Chapter : I Want You To Want Me (side A - side B)

Next Chapter : How Can You Mend A Broken Heart

Masterlist

******************************************************

June 22, Wednesday, 18:05 (present time)

“In this painting, Hayez depicts a young medieval girl, as he described her in his ‘Memorie’. What strikes the most about this painting, apart from the beautiful realistic style of this romantic painter, is how easy it is to understand the subject of this painting, that isn’t only the girl, but actually her emotions. The woman is looking outside of the painting, engaging a silent dialogue with the spectator, who can understand her pain, even ignoring the real cause of it. Her lost and hazy gaze, the dress that falls on her shoulders, leaving part of her chest naked, and the dark long untied hair, are characteristics that help us realize how little she is caring for her appearance. In medieval times, it was of the utmost importance to appear dignified, composed, and she is the exact opposite of it, showing her real emotions to the ones who are looking at her. The only thing that suggest a little attempt to recollect herself is the position of her hands, that in the second Hayez’s painting of the same subject is different and more eloquent. As for the reason why this woman is melancholy, the title of the painting is in fact ‘Malinconia’, Hayez himself helps us to understand the background story, the origin of her pain. She suffers because she’s thinking about her lover, that is why she’s holding on to the flowers, who are now half withered. She’s in a state of depression and emotional turmoil as she recalls the happy times she has spent with him and that, for some obscure reason, won’t…happen…again.”

I dropped on my bed. I had picked up this habit to walk along my room whenever I was repeating out loud the main concepts before an oral exam. So here I was, the day before my birthday and my exam, walking up and down the room while trying to put together what I had studied for the past weeks. Or what I’ve tried to study. Anyway, I couldn’t lose my focus. I scanned through the Hayez’s painting I was studying, trying to find clues of other important things I had missed, but instead I found myself staring right back at that girl. Her gaze was magnetic. She was actually able to pull the spectator in her own emotions. But it was all in Hayez’s talent, or it was just me, being melancholic about what happened…that…day… 

I flipped through the pages, trying to find another painting to describe and revise. I decided to ignore completely Alexander Cabanel’s ‘L’Ange Déchu’, as the eyes of his Lucifer brought up too many memories to mention. That anger, that resentment, the delusion that filled the fallen angel’s eyes was more familiar than I could explain. I silently prayed that my professor or one of his assistants wouldn’t ask me to speak about the diatribe about his realistic and naturalist approach and the Impressionists. As I passed through the most famous Impressionists, my hand reached for Toulouse-Lautrec’s series about sapphics tender scenes in bed. It was his way to elevate the homoerotic love during his times, showing how normal it was. It was common to think that only the prostitutes could consider loving someone of the same sex, and even if a lot of his models were trapped in that line of work, he wanted to show that their feelings were true, natural, pure. It wasn’t depravity or blind passion dictated by their work, but it was a choice, a difficult, dangerous and pure one. The tenderness that transpired from his strokes and the models’ expressions, brought me even more close to despair. I wished that day I could’ve enjoyed the same bliss it poured from those paintings, forgetting everything that surrounded us and the complications. As if he would ever accept to share that calm. I recalled his perfume, the shape of some of his scars, his soft jet black hair, whose texture left an impression between my fingers. I pictured me and the Captain in the same position as Toulouse’s models, laying in the wide bed, under the soft cotton blanket, with our heads buried on the pillows, allowing us to glimpse only a detail of the other, while I was adjusting his hair in order to see his eyes. His silver-blue eyes. But all I could do when the occasion presented itself, was run away. I was aware that bliss Lautrec had depicted wasn’t going to fill his bed that day anyway. Memories of a song made me hum while recalling those moments and the nostalgia that permeated every seconds of them since the instant I had closed the door of his room and searched for his lips. 

"Amarti m'affatica, mi svuota dentro, qualcosa che somiglia a ridere nel pianto. Amarti m'affatica, mi dà malinconia, che vuoi farci, è la vita, è la vita, la mia. Amami ancora, fallo dolcemente, un anno, un mese, un'ora, perdutamente. Amami ancora, fallo dolcemente, e solo per un'ora, perdutamente."

I closed the book. This wasn’t going to work. I’d forbidden myself to even think about what happened that day in order to give this exam on time. I had deprived myself of sleep, studying ’til two in the morning, and discarding all of my emotions just to keep on going. And for what? I was spiraling just looking at paintings, remembering how stupid I was. I wasn’t regretting it, but I was sure he had. In any case, it was a mistake, one I would repeat over and over again, but a mistake nonetheless. My mother’s voice brought me back to reality. 

“Roni? How’s it going?”

“It’s…I know I’ve studied but there’s still so much to repeat out loud, I’ll never do it in time.”

“Mmh.”

“I’m thinking of postponing it to the last date of July.”

“If you think you just need more time…do what you feel is right.”

“I’d hate to postpone, but maybe…”

“Don’t worry about it. You’ll do better next time, right?”

Her smile was cold, but still, I knew she trusted me. Postponing wasn’t the best choice, I was aware of it, but how could I ever gave an exam in that condition? On the other hand though, I was really that fragile? I had to pass this exam even if only to prove to myself that I was strong enough. It wasn’t a tragedy after all, right? I just had sex with someone I liked, but I was conscious of the fact that it was going to be a one time thing since he didn’t feel the same. He probably was just pent up and I was just…there. People had one night stands all the time, I just had to consider what happened that day on the same level. It couldn’t be love, right? 

Right? 

“Actually, I think I’ll try. If I fail, I can always try again in July.”

“Just don’t stress yourself too much.”

“Thanks, mum.”

She disappeared behind the closing door and I resumed studying. Or, at least, I tried. 

********************************************************

“Can you tell me what happened?”

“As I’ve already told you every day since you’ve started asking: no.”

“Levi, you’ve been like this for weeks now. If you don’t wanna talk, I won’t force you, but at least, find a solution. Or a way to overcome this. It’s almost like four years ago.”

“Hange, be serious. I’m not even close to how I felt then.”

“The senseless expression is the same, though. That’s why I said almost.”

When Erwin died, most of me died with him. The only reason I was still breathing was to make sure his death wouldn’t be in vane and to kill that fucking monkey. My objectives were right in front of me and nothing could ever make me sway from them. It comforted me that my principles hadn’t changed, but I surprised myself thinking over and over again about how overwhelmed I was by the feeling of her warmth. Sometimes people would try to befriend me, men and women both, but I always refused. Even when I thought I had met someone who might’ve made me feel good, I knew it would only be a transaction, a way not to think for a night at best, and I couldn’t bring myself to even initiate something. So, when I realized I wanted to kiss her, when I did so, what happened after that, scared me. It was nothing like what I felt for Erwin, but still, I was shaken. It was less totalizing, but intense. If Erwin came into my life with a force of his own, claiming for himself a spot as my centre, the sun I gravitated around to, she was almost the exact opposite. She wasn’t demanding for me to look at her, let alone live or die for her, and yet, a part of me couldn’t keep my mind off from her. I wanted to think it was a feeling closer to a sense of protection developed after seeing her being vulnerable three times, but I was aware this was just a stupid excuse. I hoped it was just pity, but a remote part of me knew it wasn’t that either. I couldn’t describe what it was, but I knew it was only a matter of time before both of us moved on from that awkward situation. I just needed to let some time pass. I needed to let this lingering emotions slip away from me. Whatever I was feeling was probably fleeting anyway.

“You’re wrong, Hange.”

“All right, fine. But remember that it’s not wrong to feel emotions and bottling up won’t ever be a good solution.”

“Are you becoming a spiritual guide now?”

“I can try.”

Suddenly Mizuki interrupted our discussion. As he greeted Hange, I left them in an attempt to escape her annoying speech, but I picked up some of Mizuki’s words as I walked away. 

“…Sebastian…away…you think you could…exam? I want to surprise Nanami-chan…birthday…”

As soon as I heard her supposed name my feet stopped before I could make sense of my own actions. I succeeded in stopping myself from turning, but Hange called my name, and so all of my efforts were wasted. I turned.

“Captain Levi can do it, right?”

“Do what?”

“Mizuki here was asking us to stall Nanami after her exam for about an hour so that he could have more time to prepare a small surprise for her birthday. He would’ve asked to Sebastian but he just left.”

“What makes you think I’ll do it?”

“The fact that all of us are already going to the beach, you refused to follow us and so I know for certain that you’re free.”

“Do you really have to go there?”

“As I told you before, we all deserve to blow off steam sometimes. And they still need a responsible adult to watch them.”

“And you would be the responsible one?”

“Well, you don’t even know how to drive a car, we can’t move on horse here.”

I couldn’t reply, otherwise I would’ve started another fight I really didn’t want to face. Mizuki looked at me with eyes sparkling with hope and I just sighed before walking away, showing all of my disappointment. But could I really call disappointment what I felt when I found myself not fighting for my right to refuse that request? Was I the same one who was so sure about putting distance between us just a moment ago? The only thing I knew was that stalling her for an hour after not even been able to see her for weeks would’ve been more difficult than dealing with a thousand titans. 

********************************************************

June 23, Thursday, 17:17 (present time) 

“Thank you, professor.”

I got up from my seat in front of the professor and went back to the desk were I was waiting to be called before my turn began. The exam went well despite how distracted I had been while studying, so I was silently proud of myself. I recollected my bag, documents and water bottle before going out of the classroom. Nobody I knew was taking the same exam today, so I just needed to go back to my car and come home. I checked my phone and answered to some of the birthday wishes my relatives made on the group family chat. Then I called my mum to tell her about the exam, while searching for a bathroom. I couldn’t eat anything before an exam, but I always drank a lot of water to calm myself, an habit that resulted into an indispensable stop at the bathroom right after exiting the classroom. After that, I sent a voice message to my best friend, Irene, since we both cheered ourselves before and after an exam. Also, she would have an exam the next day, so I wanted to know how her studying was going, or at what level had her anxiety risen. It was my birthday today, but I knew I could’ve celebrated it with her and our other friend Elisa only on Saturday night. Today, the only thing I could’ve done to celebrate my most hated day of the year, was to eat at some restaurant with my parents and my grandma, something we had picked up the tradition to do. I tried to accelerate my steps to cross the crossroad and reach the street where I had parked my car, but the traffic light went red and so I had to stop in the middle. Fortunately in between the cars’ lanes there was the tram’s lane, so I stopped where the platform with the tram’s stop was. I took the time to search for my car’s keys while waiting for the light to turn green. I was playing with the keychain when the light finally turned green and I took the first step. Unfortunately, that was the only step I could take before my body froze completely at the sight of him. 

What was he doing here? How did he knew I was here? The Captain was there, leaned on my car, a few metres from me, showing once again his perfect side profile. He probably didn’t saw me, as he seemed involved in some kind of deep thought. I forbade myself from falling into the pointless spiral of trying to guess what was he thinking about. People behind me hit my shoulders trying to cross that damned road before the light turned red again, but I was too shocked and captivated by him to notice what I was doing. What brought me back to reality was the sudden honk of a car who was passing when I finally took the second step. I apologized to the man inside the car as soon as I realized the light was in fact red for me again. I followed that car with my eyes, listening to the insults he was clearly addressing to me while going on for his way. The other cars behind that man continued their run, and as I observed their trail my head turned again to see the Captain. Our eyes locked and I realized he seemed troubled. Eyes wide open, arms strangely positioned along his sides, as if he was ready to run, and the movements of his shoulders signaled he was taking deep breaths. I decided it was all in my head and so I looked in front of me, focusing my attention on the light, now green again, and the steps I took to reach the car. I opened the car, seated myself and closed the door, before placing my bag behind the seat. He was now in front of the passenger’s door, waiting for permission to enter the car probably. Without even looking at him, I patted my hand over the passenger’s seat and he picked up my hint as he entered the car and started to speak while closing the door. I wasn’t expecting him to address me right away, even if it was his place to explain why he was here. 

“First of all, are you okay?”

“I…guess so.”

“All right. Then, second question: are you fucking crazy? How could you cross while it was red! We didn’t have traffic light in Paradis but that’s basic notion for living in a city like you do! And even we knew to pay attention to carriages and horses while around! You…”

I felt little. Like I was being scolded from my parents for doing something bad. I was annoyed, but I couldn’t explain to him the reason why I wasn’t paying attention to my surroundings. I suddenly realized this was the first time I saw him since…

“…rried. Wait. You’re too red on your face. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Ah…yeah, right. I’m fine.”

“You’re in shock, but I’m not good with this situations. What should I do?”

I spaced out while he spoke because, to tell the truth, all I wanted to do was to kiss him since I saw his figure leaned on my car, but I knew it wasn’t the right time or place. Well, there wasn’t going to be a right time or place. It never should’ve happened in the first place, cultivating my feelings was the worst thing I could do, for both of us. I tried to conceal myself. 

“Nothing. I’m not in shock.”

“Do you have a summer fever?”

He placed his hand over my forehead. His hand was rough, but the kindness hidden into his gesture made up for it, and I could swear it was like being touched by silk. I slightly retracted, since I didn't want to become addicted to his touch, as to him it probably meant nothing.

“I don’t.”

“Indeed you don’t. Then…”

"I'm embarrassed."

“What? Why?”

As I feared, the fact that he couldn’t immediately read my embarrassment probably meant that what we shared that day was nothing more than sex. It wasn’t a surprise, but still a part of me ached. I smiled. 

“I just…remembered something. Don’t worry Captain, I won’t ask you anything, except for an explanation. Why are you here?”

“I think we need to talk.”

“About what?”

“What happened last time.”

“Why? Did something happen?”

I was provoking him without a plan. What I wished, what I wanted to obtain from him speaking like this, I just had no idea, but I was waiting for a reaction, and the way he looked at me didn’t even come close to satisfy me. I continued. 

“I just guessed we both didn’t care about what happened then.”

“Stop saying bullshit. You cried while leaving.”

“I didn’t.”

“You did. And if you were embarrassed just now, I can only think of one reason. And how you changed your attitude towards me just a few seconds ago.”

“What do you want from me?”

“Honesty.”

I was completely helpless, lost and confused. I wanted to play a game I was bound to lose since the beginning. He always would have the upper hand against me because I was weak to him. All of the schemes inside my head to provoke him backfired in a matter of seconds. He wanted honesty? Then I had to lie better. And anyone knows that to build a good lie you have to hide truth in it. 

“All right. I didn’t want to say it but…I felt guilty towards someone else. After the rush of the moment passed I realized it had been some time since…”

Words died in my throat. I was being vague, remembering traces of the guilt I felt after I let Albert ease the memory of Tomoe. A sense of guilt that resurfaced every time I felt even an ounce of happiness, and that presented itself back even later that damned day, I was sure he felt the same. But the real reasons why I cried, was because I knew that it was pointless: Captain Ackerman would never reciprocate my feelings and it would be a problem even if he did, because my time was running out. I cried because I had just created a complication, one I would’ve loved to replay time and time again. Our eyes locked again, and I realized my assumptions were correct. 

“You felt guilt too, right?”

His silence gave away his answer. I felt my heart throb in front of the look on his face. I made him hurt thanks to my selfishness. He probably had sex with me only because of circumstances, or even out of pity as I had just bared my soul in front of him, and now I was using his feelings against him only to put an end to this situation. I was disgusted with myself, but I was determined to maintain a proper facade nevertheless. He was about to say something, but my pride made me take the first step.

“I-”

“Captain. Please. Don’t say anything. I get it. If you agree, we can just go back as we were. I won’t say what we did was a mistake, but I think it’s not something we should do again, as we won’t get nothing from it. Now, since you’re already here, do you need a lift back home? You’ll have to put up with my singing and bad driving, though.”

“I don’t mind, but I have to confess something.”

“What?”

“I…Well, I…Mizuki asked me to stall you for a while.”

“…so you weren’t here to talk to me.”

“I wanted to, but we were both too occupied to avoid each other and overthink. Then the occasion presented itself and even if I could’ve opposed more to it and refuse…I didn’t.”

“I see. Well, I’ll drive slowly. Here, take this, as my guest, you’re in charge of the music, do your choice.”

Captain Ackerman said he would just leave the song that was already to start and so, as Amandoti played while we were running along the highway, I hoped he couldn’t see the tears behind my dark sunglasses. I sang out loud the last chorus of that song, conscious of the fact he couldn’t understand the words of that italian song. I let my incomprehensible confession fill the space between us while praying that in another life, a less complicated one, I could get at least a chance to love him and be loved by him back just as the song described. 

"Amami ancora, fallo dolcemente e solo per un'ora, perdutamente. Amami ancora, fallo dolcemente, solo per un'ora, che sia per sempre."

********************************************************

Author's note: Hi there! So yes, another little road trip is about to begin and our main character is hopelessly in love. She knows, she tries not to be aware, she probably fails. Captain Levi hopes not to know, will he fail too? Guess we'll have to read to know. So, in this case, the song is "Amandoti", written and performed originally by CCCP, but I considered the version made by Talea, who changed a few important words. One last thing: just so you know, the english translation of the song's title is "Loving you". Anyway, I promised you the english translation of the lyrics mentioned so here we go (please mind the translation is made by me, so it's strict to meaning and not particularly beautiful, but it's functional). As always, thank you for reading and see you soon!

"Loving you tires me, it empties me, something that resemble laughing while crying. Loving you tires me, it makes me melancholic, but what to do, it's life, it's my life. Love me again, do it sweetly, one year, one month, one hour, helplessly. Love me again, do it sweetly, just for one hour, helplessly."

The last part is actually taken from the Talea's cover of the song, it's slightly different from the original and it goes like this:

"Love me again, do it sweetly, just for one hour, helplessly. Love me again, do it sweetly, just for one hour, may it be forever."

[nomenomens]

Nomen

Chapter XXXII - I Want You To Want Me (side A - side B)

TW : Since I didn't want to spoil much, I've decided to divide the chapter in two sides and as you'll see the title of the 'side B', you'll understand the warning (as always, nothing too explicit). Just to clarify, the name of the sides are song's titles, I'll say more after the chapter.

WC : around 4100 words

Previous Chapter : Sweet

Next Chapter : Amandoti

Masterlist

**************************************************

SIDE A - DANCING

June 7, Tuesday, 15:57 (present time)

The Captain closed his room’s door behind him and I started to make way. When I opened the door right next to his, he spoke again.

“Wasn’t this locked?”

“It usually is. This is my br-…was…never mind.”

As I felt my voice break just at the thought of what that room was, I stopped speaking. Memories of the first and the last time I walked inside it come flooded into my mind, but I needed to put them back in a corner for now. I walked towards the bigger window and moved the white curtains to open the glass. I saw Mizuki downstairs playing with Ted and realized what was the best method to show to Captain Ackerman, why I wanted to use that room, even if it was even painful to walk into it. 

“Sir, would you please come here, next to me? It’s better if I show you this.”

He walked towards me and as soon as he got to my side, I screamed Mizuki’s name at the top of my lungs, after asking the Captain to brace himself and to look outside of the window. Even with my warning, Captain Ackerman flinched and turned to look at me as if I was a mad woman. I smiled at him. 

“I know, but I needed for you to see this for yourself.”

“See what? That you have strong lungs?”

“No. That Mizuki hasn’t heard me.”

“What? How couldn’t he? You just screamed…for…how is this possible?”

The Captain looked again outside the window and when he saw that Mizuki was still playing with Ted, as if I had never called him at all, he quickly understood.

“I don’t know precisely how, but my brother made it like this. I just know it’s a kind of spell, kept together thanks to a talisman hidden somewhere, something he probably learned in China. The point is, this room is safe. No sound could escape, even with open windows. But if you just protrude yourself a bit more…”

As a demonstration, I called for Mizuki again, in a less loud tone, with my bust almost completely outside the window. It was a dangerous position, but I needed to make the Captain understand. This time, Mizuki heard and waved at me. I asked him to prepare some tea for the Captain before backing up into the room and closing the window. 

“…you can be heard.”

“Exactly, Captain.”

“I get this was your brother’s room then.”

“His studio. His room is behind that other door but…I haven’t got in since…”

“I see. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”

“You didn’t. I just avoid speaking of him out of habit.”

“I understand.”

“I know you do.”

I smiled at him, but his expression was now even darker than usual. I leaned over the desk in the centre of the room, while the Captain stayed close to the window, right in front of me. 

“I’m sorry. I don’t want to intrude into other people’s lives but the files are made to inform me. I know you hate me and the fact that I know things about you before I could even ask for permission, I don’t resent you for this.”

“It’s not that. I don’t like it, but I can’t hate you for something you can’t choose, as Sebastian explained to us.”

“Thank you. But then, can I ask why you seem…angry?”

“Angry? Am I a child?”

“Your expression changed when I said I understand you. That is an emotion I would feel in your shoes, however childish it may seems.”

“That’s…because I don’t like being exposed. I reserve anger for other occasions.”

“Then…did you feel anger when I kissed you before?”

Where did I find the courage to ask that question, will remain a mystery even to me. He unexpectedly chuckled, showing me his perfect profile before turning again to look outside the window, careful not to get too exposed. 

“What kind of question is this?”

“It’s…a question. Would you answer it?”

My voice trembled as my hands did. I tried to control myself caressing the ring on my index finger, the one my brother gifted me. But it didn’t matter how many times I made the ring spin, tension was accumulating all over my body. The fact that I couldn’t see his expression, if not by a fragment of his reflect upon the closed glass of the window he stood by, made me even more nervous. Was I making a fool of myself? Probably yes. I could see from that little reflection of him that he was looking down and for a moment I was lost in contemplation of his beauty. Every time I looked at him I was sure it would’ve been the last one, so my brain picked up the habit to scan every detail to impress it. His jaw, his eyelids, his nose, his lips and even the length of his lashes. I felt my skin blush as I realized how far I already was with my feelings for him within a few interactions. His eyes suddenly opened and he looked straight into my face through the same reflection I was using to stare at him. As our gaze crossed my heart started to thump louder as my breath accelerated. He spoke. 

“No.”

Oh. Right. How stupid I was, thinking he would answer me. I’ve asked something stupid to begin with. I laughed, my usual nervous laugh. I looked down to my feet. 

“Right. I already know too much about what you’ve felt and experienced, it’s only natural you want to keep something to yourself.”

“No, Miss. I meant, I wasn’t angry.”

Oh. We stared at each other through the glass again. Both of us with a serious expression depicted all over our faces. My stomach dropped suddenly and I gulped before speaking. I tried to fake indifference, but the shaking of my voice probably betrayed me more than anticipated. 

“G-good. I a-acted on an impulse, but Sebastian seemed to accept it. I mean, I’ve told him I confessed and you refused me, that’s why I was angry days ago, and that I k-kissed you because I lost control as I wanted to t-thank you for telling me about his behaviour that morning and kept the secret of my confession and your refusal. It sounds s-stupid now, b-but he’s used to me being pathetic, so I think…he believed me. You should be fine now. He won’t be in charge of the squad anymore.”

“Miss?”

“Yeah?”

“You shouldn’t think of yourself as pathetic.”

My mind went blank and tears started to veil my sight as my voice went louder before breaking completely. It only took him a simple phrase to let me pour out what I repeated to myself over and over as a mantra, all the words I never dared to speak out loud because I knew it would be a bother for the other to listen to them.

“Oh but I do. I am pathetic. I can’t even face my own feelings and I always lean on others. I always cry, like I’m about to do now. I don’t know what to do with my life, I just want it to end, but then I think I’m the only one who could help my brother, and that’s not even true because I don’t think I’ll ever find a way to help him. All I can do is complain and I can’t totally escape from the files, and I have responsibilities I don’t want, but then I do want them, because otherwise I would be nothing. And because that’s my legacy. I can’t even afford to kill myself because it would be irresponsible towards all of the people who rely on me. And I actually want to live. I want to be free and love and be loved, but it’s complicated and it hurts. It fucking hurts without Cesare. I just want him back. I miss him. I tried to move on, look for another kind of feeling that could make me feel whole but it was pointless. At least it was until you...but anyway, it's still pointless. I miss how Cesare took care of me and how much he made me feel loved. Without him I don't know who I am anymore, because all I used to be before him was an empty shell and now I'm back at that point. All I used to be has been erased and I feel nothing. Recently I've just started to feel something actually, but I know it's doomed and still a part of me wishes to pursue those feelings. I’m selfish and pathetic and I just want…I want…”

I want you to want me.  I need you to need me.  I'd love you to love me.  I'm beggin' you to beg me.

Most of the thoughts I had just declared weren't organized and there were things he couldn't understand without a backstory, but he let me talk anyway. Without realizing how it happened, it dawned to me I was crumpling his shirt into my fist while sobbing on his chest. As I stopped ranting, he let me go from his embrace. I mentally cursed myself for not being able to stay lucid enough to actually feel his arms around me, his comfort, his smell, as everything disappeared in a matter of seconds while he took his distance. But then…

**************************************************

I deducted she was talking about her brother, or rather, I was hoping my hunch was right as I felt uneasy at the thought of someone else…

No. 

No. 

No. 

It couldn’t be. 

No. 

Was I attracted…to…her? Was I starting to like someone else? No, I wouldn’t allow it. No. I was sure no one else would ever cut it for me if it wasn’t Erwin. He had been my sun, as I was always orbiting around him like I was attracted by something bigger than words could ever describe. He gave me a reason to live when I was lost and pulled me out of a miserable life. To say that I loved him was to banalize my own feelings and our bond. When I’ve asked him to give up on his dream that damned day, I did it too. I gave up every chance at happiness, knowing that even if we managed to destroy every titan on earth and save humanity, without him in this world I would never feel complete again. My heart was dedicated only to him and our greater cause, no one else would ever enter it. I could care for others, but it was never comparable to what I felt for him. So why was I feeling restless while she was pouring again all of her tears and fears out loud? Was I only uncomfortable as I wasn’t used to witness this kind of emotional breakdown? I could face the other’s panic and fear while battling, but these deeper feelings she was pouring out…that was the only thing I always tried to escape from. My pain for Erwin’s death had never been visible to anyone, I always kept myself in check. Hange knew and understood but we never had a proper conversation about it, despite her efforts. But her, the Miss in front of me, was just crumbling, now for the second or third time in my presence. She was clearly embarrassed and ashamed, but at least she had the courage to acknowledge her emotions. She was letting herself show vulnerability. I would reprimand anyone else who ever behaved like that, but I only thought of her as brave. I couldn’t believe I was thinking that of her. With all of her tears and messed up face, I saw a gentle kind of strength, something I lacked and never felt the necessity to build. What was going on inside my mind? I refused to believe my heart was involved. Was I pitying her? But then, why was I thinking of kissing her as the first option to ease her pain? Why was I recalling her trembling and soft lips against mine and her hands over my face while my body went autopilot and pushed her agains my chest? Even before, when she had asked me if I was angry at her because she had kissed me, I realized I was never been angry at her for that sudden gesture. Actually it felt…sweet. Sensing her insecurities brought me back of years, and I saw myself in her actions. But I knew it wasn’t only that. What I felt, somewhere inside my chest, was warmth, vaguely familiar and yet entirely different from what I once felt. And now, her words were striking chords I thought I had buried under layers of intended apathy. 

"...but I know it's doomed and still a part of me wishes to pursue those feelings. I’m selfish and pathetic and I just want…I want…”

I had missed that kind of warmth too, and now I wasn’t sure I could give it up. I didn’t even realized I was searching for that warmth again but here I was, thinking of ways to feel it once more. It would never be the same as with Erwin, I knew that, but if she was feeling selfish and pathetic, I realized we were just the same. I took my distance from her and as I saw her flushed face I lost control of myself. I collected her hot tears with my thumbs, a futile gesture since she was still crying and had no intentions to stop soon. There was just one thing I wanted to do right now. I brought her face to mine. Questions and reasons be damned.

**************************************************

…he kissed me. 

My mind was completely blank. I couldn’t think of anything if not registering what my body was feeling. It wasn’t the sweet kiss of this morning, it was different, there was something more. Maybe it was my tears’ fault, since they were still running and getting involved between our lips, but there was an unexpected urgency in it, as if we had to wait centuries to do this. At least it felt like I had. 

"Time is gonna take my mind  and carry it far away where I can fly.  The depth of life will dim  my temptation to live for you. If I were to be alone silence would rock my tears,  'cause it's all about love and I know better  how life is a waving feather."

In the heat of the moment, I balled up his collar into my fists, since I didn’t dare to touch him. I was afraid that if he recognized that it was me who was touching him, that he was kissing me and not someone else, that moment would’ve finished. This kiss felt as desperate as fragile, as if even the slightest movement could burst the bubble we were in and destroy everything. From time to time I opened my eyes for a millisecond, just to make sure this wasn’t a dream or a fantasy of mine. And every time he was still there, with the same crease between his eyebrows and his long lashes, focused in how to take my breath away in more ways than one. Slowly his hands, first cupping my face, started to move. One went on my elbow between us and I took the liberty to move that same arm around his neck, bringing our bodies even closer. Without thinking, my fingers started to run through his hair, alternating between little squeezes to push him against me and light caresses. His other hand did almost the same holding the back of my neck as we both simultaneously asked the other an unspoken permission to deepen the kiss. We mutually gave access to the other to explore more than just lips, giving in and completely surrender to the feelings. 

"So I put my arms around you, around you,  and I know that I'll be leaving soon.  My eyes are on you, they're on you  And you see that I can't stop shaking."

I wasn’t that naive to think this was something meaningful for him, but it didn’t matter at all. I wouldn’t renounce to this. I lost my balance and I gripped his shirt’s collar even more tightly, pulling him towards me, while the other hand stretched behind me, hitting the desk and making it slightly move, provoking a loud sound. As a response, his hand, the one that wasn’t keeping my nape, went to held my waist, probably a reflex in order to not let us both fall. As I took a step back and hit the desk again, the same hands we had just used to steady our position found a new purpose, something more intimate. I felt my insecurities resurface as he traveled across my stomach to reach my groin and I grabbed his hand to stop him, which was something I was fearing from the beginning. For the first time in minutes, we stopped and actually looked at each other, or at least we could’ve done so, but as our foreheads touched, I looked down, avoiding his eyes while we were both trying to catch our breath. Everything felt surreal and I needed to set everything in.

"No I won't step back  but I'll look down to hide from your eyes  'cause what I feel is so sweet,  and I'm scared that even my own breath  oh, could burst it, if it were a bubble,  and I'd better dream if I have to struggle."

He spoke first. 

“Did I do something…?”

“No. No. Just my insecurities acting up. But since we stopped…not here, please.”

He took my hand, interlacing our fingers. For a moment I felt I could’ve died for that touch only, as if we hadn’t just consumed each others’ breaths and lips for minutes. As we walked out the room, pointing towards his room, I heard various kitchen sound and I remembered Mizuki’s task to bring tea over. I stopped walking and he looked straight at me with a burning gaze. Whenever he’d laid his eyes upon me, his gaze lingered on my skin for days, but this time I was sure I would never forget that sensation. 

“I know I’m ruining the mood but…I have to stop him for bringing tea or…”

“Shit, yes, right. Go. I’ll wait”

As I was thinking about what to say to Mizuki, probably something about serving the tea after I’d left with Ted, I found myself praying for the Captain to wait for real. Did I just ruined my only chance? I put myself on tiptoe to reach his lips again, stealing a last quick peck as to confirm his promise to wait for me, while putting both of my arms around his neck. He gently leaned forward to help me get steady on my feet before going. I walked away and I often looked back at him, always finding him in the same position, in front of his room’s door, with an unreadable expression. I kept praying he would keep his word, knowing full well this was the only chance I had.

"So I put my arms around you, around you and I hope that I will do no wrong. My eyes are on you, they're on you and I hope that you won't hurt me."

*******************************************************

SIDE B - SEX

What the fuck was happening? I completely lost control. I went inside my room while waiting for her to come back. Was I really waiting for her to continue where we had left off? Was I behaving like a fucking brat at my age? Getting hot and bothered out of what? It was only because I suddenly felt a sting of jealousy out of nowhere? Not that I was that much experienced to begin with, but still, I should’ve known better. I was sure I couldn’t like her for real and she was clearly getting the wrong idea, considering how much she was shivering into my arms. I didn’t know I could be such a jerk. I went for her as soon as she showed vulnerability like the most basic piece of shit, knowing full well that our actions meant more for her. She was my way of getting back some of that lost warmth, but I was positive it meant something more, or different, to her. Also, she had a fiancée, for God’s sake. I buried my head between my hands. What was I doing? Why? Had I always been a total jerk like this? A more frightening thought creeped inside my mind. What if I was just being delusional? What if I was actually feeling something and even me cursing at myself was a cowardly way to escape those long forgotten emotions I wanted to reserve just for my past with Erwin? The click of the door shutting made me look forward. She stayed there, leaning on the door, with her arms hidden behind her back, still clutching the handle. Her face was a mess, flushed and with puffy eyes, as even messier hair fell on her shoulders. Now I knew for sure I was going crazy as the only word left on my mind was “beautiful” where, in another situation, I would’ve felt indifference at best. She spoke. 

“I-I don’t have much time left but…if you want…if you still-“

I couldn’t bear anymore words. 

“And this is how it starts”

My head was exploding and my blood was rushing into all the wrong places. I took the initiative and walked towards her, interrupting her speech with a kiss, replicating what we were doing before. I cursed myself again, thinking she would probably consider me an animal more than a human being. When I felt her hands touching my chest I took it as a sign of acceptance, so I was a bit surprised when she pushed me a little, interrupting the kiss. Maybe she was the only one thinking clearly after all. The words she said later as she started to fiddle with my shirt again surprised me even more. 

“S-sorry but I’m not lucid enough to…I need to see where the buttons are.”

We were goners. Now it was clear. I let her undress me of my shirt while walking backward towards the bed. When she had finished to unbutton it, she put her hands on my collarbones to push me down to seat on the edge of the bed before finally removing my shirt and kneeling down on the floor. 

"My shirt, looks so good  when it's just hangin' off your back."

I was captivated by her expression, so different from before. She threw my shirt on the floor behind her and I realized this whole event was taking another turn as I focused on her bright smile. I had never seen her like this. She was clearly conscious, faking a certain level of confidence as her hands, now colder than I could’ve imagined, moved onto my belt. 

"Now we're just outside of town  and you're making your way down.  She's got a boyfriend anyway."

Her smiling face got closer to mine, probably as a way to search comfort and permission at the same time. My hands gripped her hair to bring her even closer and close the infernal gap between our lips. Bewitched. I was completely at her mercy. Then and there a lost thoughts about how wrong this was resurfaced, but as soon as I grazed her skin, as she smiled, as our lips touched, as she touched every inch of me, all of my worries melted away. The urgency to feel all of her got the best of me and suddenly I moved to pick her up and let her climb on the bed, over my naked lap, to clear out my intention. 

"Now we're on the bed in my room  and I'm about to fill his shoes,  But you say, 'No'.  You say 'No'.  Does he take care of you  Or could I easily fill his shoes?  But you say, 'No'.  You say 'No'."

Our foreheads touched again. She was looking down, right straight into my eyes as her hair fell around my face, a light curtain that made me tickle. I stopped her hand, still occupied into pleasuring only me.

"And I'm not trying to stop you, love  If we're gonna do anything, we might as well just fuck  She's got a boyfriend anyway."

My hand went to down on her, moving first along her thighs, that were now enclosing my hips, never losing our eye contact. Everything was different with her, it felt new, it was almost as if I had never done any of this. Electricity passed through our bodies as we shared everything we had with the other, whether it was air, feelings, needs, heat, sweat and bodies. Our hands never stopped exploring the other, increasing and decreasing the pace in perfect harmony, as if we already knew everything about us and were both surprised by the effect we could have on the other. Even after our peaks passed we stayed still for a while, trying to collect our thoughts and breaths. She kissed me tenderly before getting off of me, now left seated on the bed. I wanted to say something, but no word came out of my mouth. She collected her scattered clothes, very few garments, as we never even bothered to remove all of them. I just looked at her as she walked to the door, I jumped right off the bed as soon as I realized she was practically running away, but it was too late. As I was buttoning my slacks, she spoke and I interrupted my doing. 

“S-sorry…and…thank you.”

She smiled gently and melancholically before closing the door. I swear something inside my chest tighten at the sight of her expression. 

"Didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin'?  Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin'?  Feelin' all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dyin'.  Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin'?"

I noticed a slight change in her features right before the door closed. She was hurt, probably crying again, but I wasn’t capable of doing anything. I was disgusted with myself. I let her go and only after she had closed the door it dawned to me what I wanted to say. I whispered it out loud, even if it was meaningless. 

“Stay.”

*******************************************************

Author's note: It happened. Yes, it did. I wanted to convey a lot of different feelings and emotions there, from both sides and I hope I managed to do so. As for the songs, they were among the first that brought me to write a story, so they really mean a lot to me and to 'Nomen' too. The lyrics of all three of them are written and they are I Want You To Want Me (Gary Jules' version, first and last lyrics written), Dancing by Elisa (Italian singer who often sings in English and whose voice can make you ascend to Heaven from my point of view. Her lyrics are in side A, right after the kiss) and Sex by The 1975 (side B, of course). Anyway I want to let you settle everything and so thank you for reading, I hope you've enjoyed this chapter and the turn of events.

[nomenomens]

Nomen

Chapter XXXI - Sweet

TW : none for now, but please check 'About Nomen' for more informations

WC : around 2700 words

Previous Chapter : They Don't Know You Like I Do

Next Chapter : I Want You To Want Me (side A - side B)

Masterlist

**********************************************

June 7, Tuesday, 12:49 (present time)

“No regrets” were the words I had decided to live by. It was a promise I had made to myself before anyone else. That was my reason for running towards her place. Not knowing what she wanted to do and her missing my calls made me more uneasy that I wanted to admit. There was no escape from this kind of feeling. I jumped from rooftop to rooftop until I got to her terrace. I was afraid that in the few minutes of my hesitation she would’ve done something stupid, but then I saw her, with her gaze fixed on some kind of book on her desk. Was I being too paranoid? Was she actually safe and I was just expecting the worst without a solid motive? Was I losing my marbles without a cause after all this time fighting? I got closer to her window, open but with an insect screen on, and she finally noticed me. I heard her say something in her native language, judging from her surprised face, she had probably sweared ad me. She opened the insect screen and let me in, without saying another word. She scanned the surroundings before closing it and finally talk to me. 

“Please, tell me you didn’t use the maneuver.”

“I did.”

“Shit. What if someone saw you?”

“Are you worried about your neighbours or Sebastian?”

She walked past me while sighing and sit t at the edge of her bed, signaling me to do the same beside her. I followed her directions and seated at a fair distance from her, looking straight at me, towards her messy library and shelves. I was itching with the urge to bring order to her room, but this wasn’t the time to think about it. 

“Why are you here? We just talked over the phone.”

“You didn’t let me finish and ignored my calls.”

“…So?”

“What do you mean ‘so’? Are you actually dumb?”

“Are you here to insult me?”

“I’m here because I-“

I shut myself before I got to tell her words that could’ve been misleading, like “worried”. I was worried, but what Sebastian said about her having a type and whatnot made me conscious. I cleared my voice before continuing while looking into her eyes. 

“…because I think we need a plan.”

“To do what?”

“You need to know what I said exactly so you can lie better.”

“You didn’t strike to me as a professional liar.”

“I don’t like to lie, but it has its perks when dealing with some other pieces of shit like your butler. Now listen to me.”

As I was explaining the details she froze and look past behind me. I instinctively turned my face to look through the window at my back, but she blocked my movement with both hands, forcing me to look straight into my eyes and whispering.

“Stop me.”

“Wh-“

I couldn’t even finish my sentence or get a grip of the situation that her lips were pressed on mine. I placed my hands on her shoulders to push her back, but then I noticed how she was trembling. She had forced the kiss on me, but with the most gentle and shy touch I had ever experienced, completely different from…him. Erwin could be gentle, but in his gestures there was a sense of confidence that had never made him tremble against me, not even during our goodbyes. I closed my eyes and let myself sink in that new sensation for a brief moment. Why did she suddenly decided to kiss me? What happened behind my shoulders to make her act like that? I realized that with her involved, there were always a million questions without answers. She brushed her fingers against my jawline while interrupting the kiss. She kept her face a few millimeters from mine and whispered.

“W-why didn’t you stop me?”

As much as I wanted to answer, I couldn’t do it. I didn’t have a reason. Maybe I just wanted a human and kind touch after so long. Maybe I wasn’t that surprised by her gesture as she thought I would be. Maybe I wasn’t repelled by her at all. Maybe there was a deeper reason behind all of my senseless worrying for her. Maybe I was pitying her. She took her distance, relaxing her back and letting her hand fell down in the space between us. I let her shoulders go and regained my position. 

“I…don’t know. You surprised me. But why did you…?”

“I saw Sebastian on the terrace. I think he’s gone now. You should go, I’ll take care of this, as I told you before. I’ll talk to you later. Now, if you please…”

She got up without even looking at me and went in front of the window, looking outside, probably to make sure Sebastian wasn’t there anymore. Suddenly I remembered about her fiancée, I think his name was Albert. She probably wasn’t trembling because of me, but because she was doing something she should’t have done from the beginning. I probably had given myself too much credit. I walked towards the door of her room. I was going to go back at the villa, this time walking away as an ordinary human being, without risking to be seen using the maneuver as I did just a few minutes prior. I put my hand on the handle.

“If you need me to clear up things with your fiancée, I’ll help explain the situation, you don’t have to worry.”

I closed the door without waiting for her answer, using more strength than I wished to. 

*************************************************

“Stop me.”

“Wh-“

I leaned forward and brushed my lips against his, putting more and more pressure as seconds went by. I could feel his gaze on me even with my eyes closed. I didn’t want to force myself on him this way, even if it was just a simple kiss, but that was the only thing my brain could formulate as a solution to take time as soon as I saw Sebastian’s shadow outside the window. I felt his hands over my shoulders and I was ready to feel him pushing me back, but that didn’t happen. I slowly opened my eyes and looked at the Captain’s features from a new perspective. He had never been this close to me before. His sharpe eyebrows were frowning a little, but his expression didn’t seem so troubled as I would’ve expected, as his eyes seemed to be closed without being hardly shut. His face showed no particular emotion: whether he was feeling something good or bad I didn’t have a clue, as if he felt complete indifference towards what was happening. And yet, he was so beautiful. As I released some tension, slowly relaxing my shoulders, I thought I would’ve paid to pass my fingers through his hair, to deepen the kiss and brings us closer, but it wasn’t the right time to do so, even if this was the only occasion I could’ve gained. I checked out with the corner of my eye that Sebastian was gone before reluctantly distancing myself from him. I was selfish enough to let my fingers travel along his cheeks though, a small victory was all I needed. I wanted to apologize, but my lips decided to tell something different, a question so burning and spontaneous I could’t control. 

“W-Why didn’t you stop me?”

He could've stopped me. He should've stopped me. I had even asked him to do so beforehand, so if he decided to let me kiss him, maybe he wasn't grossed out by my action, maybe I could hope it meant something. Before answering, ho took his sweet time looking at me in silence, with a deadpan expression. I tried to scan through the corner of his eyes, his lips, his forehead, just to catch a glimpse of a single emotion to hold on to, but nothing happened. 

“I…don’t know. You surprised me. But why did you…?”

Surprised. That made sense. What else he could’ve felt if not ‘surprise’. I was a fool to even hope our kiss could’ve meant something more. It was improvised and forced upon him too, of course he wouldn’t feel something. On the opposite end, I was burning. My lips were still trembling as they did before, my hands were shaking, itching with the need to feel him again and again. I dismissed him with a few whispered words, before I could say or do something really stupid. I had to think about what to say to Sebastian anyway. As I was catching my breath, looking outside the window, I heard him speak. 

“If you need me to clear up things with your fiancée, I’ll help explain the situation, you don’t have to worry.”

So he remembered Albert. I made a mental note to explain to him better about that situation. Even if the only thing he felt was guilt because of Albert, it would’ve been better to clear the misunderstanding. The door closed loudly and I sighed deeply, turning to go back to my desk. I brought my hand towards my lips, ghosting my fingertips as to replicate his lips’ touch. I blushed to my own action as I felt my heart thump loud against my chest and so I tried to calm it down by patting my hand above it. After a few minutes, a voice interrupted me.

“I never thought you would’ve done it.”

“Me neither.”

Sebastian entered from the window, knowing the trick to open the insect screen from the outside. 

“So, that was why you said we needed to stop?”

“No…I need to focus on my study for real. And even if I wanted to, he simply can’t be the reason why I decided to stop.”

“Why? He seemed invested enough.”

“He wasn’t. I like him, but he doesn’t like me. When he helped me with Akura-Ou I…misinterpreted his actions. I got angry at him and then at myself for being so pathetic. What you saw was just me being stubborn. He came to…tell me about how you were sure I was acting strange and I’ve asked him to…not reveal my confession, but earlier you…”

“You were acting suspicious. You knew I would’ve looked into it.”

“I just didn’t want to admit my weaknesses to you.”

He scoffed while adjusting a lock of my hair behind my ear, after rolling it a few times around his finger, a gesture he used to do a long time ago. He was clearly amused, but I couldn’t properly decipher his intention or thoughts. Was this enough? Should I say something more or be more specific? 

“Silly little girl. You know I already know all of them. I knew you liked him, but I was surprised when he clearly kept your secret this morning. By the way, I can teach you how to seduce him, even if I think he’s more into…let’s say other kind of people. But you did manage to kiss him and somehow he didn’t seemed too repulsed.” 

“I just wanted to thank him but my body moved before I could control myself. Later I’ll go to apologize properly.”

“Oh, yes, I know how impulsive you can be when you are on edge. I could apologize for you if you’re too embarrassed.”

“I have to do it. But then both of us will stay away from him and the squad. Mizuki will be their permanent referent, since he’s gotten close to Hange and we both made it awkward by acting this way.”

“As you wish.”

He kissed my knuckles while looking straight into my eyes. We both knew this gesture was what usually lead us to sex, but I repeated myself I shouldn’t give in, no matter how much I needed to vent at the moment. I couldn’t continue burying my feelings under Sebastian’s body. I pointed at the books laid on my desk to reinforce my next statement.

“…you can go, Seb.”

“Yes, My Lady.”

I just hoped what I said was enough to convince Sebastian. 

*************************************************

“What’s with your face?”

“What do you mean?”

“You look…weird.”

“Watch it, four-eyes.”

Hange had always been good at noticing things. It was one of her best skills, but sometime it was annoying more than useful. Today was one of those days. 

“Jeez, Levi. You’re not even trying to hide it. Wanna talk about it?”

“No.”

“C’mon!”

“Oi!”

“Okay, okay. I get it. Calm down.”

I actually wanted to speak to someone about my disorganized thoughts, but letting someone, even Hange in, would’ve meant to expose myself. I couldn’t even bear the thought of doing so. 

“Well, if you need me or us, we’ll be in the city. The guys asked for ice cream, again! Can you believe it? Mikasa cries every time we order, but still, she enjoys eating it. You should see Jean, looking at her and…don’t glare at me like that! You should come, too.”

“I can’t today.”

“Can’t? What is it that you must do?”

“Not your business.”

“May I guess?”

“No, you may not.”

“All right. Just so you know, you deserve to have fun. Whether it’s with your squad or anyone else…we’ve suffered all too much. We deserve fun sometimes.” 

I didn’t have time to reply because she was already leaving. She was right, but the sense of guilt was always there, trying to eat me alive. I tried to enjoy the present, but the shadow of death that was impressed inside my being, weighted as a millstone. I went inside my room in the villa. Except for Hange, I was the only one to have a single room all for myself, the other brats of the squad had shared rooms. For some strange reason, I looked over the door next to mine before entering the room. I had noticed before that door was always locked, only Mey-Rin entered every few days to clean inside it. One time I got closer to the cleaning cart she had left just outside the door of that room to look at what kind of cleaning supplies she used. There were tools I didn't even know they existed. As soon as Mey-Rin noticed me, she flinched and dismissed me quickly before closing and locking that door, almost as if she was preventing me to even look inside it. It stirred my curiosity, but since it wasn’t my business, I had just forgotten all about it.��

That was, until later that day. 

*************************************************

It had been just a few hours from that kiss, but my mind was still refusing to process it. Even so, I went to the villa, leaving my dog Ted free to run in the outside fenced garden, properly surveilled by Mizuki. I knew Hange and the rest of the squad had decided to go out, and Mey-Rin confirmed that the only one who was inside the villa was the Captain. I asked her to go open the room where I would see him, since I didn’t want to impose into his own private room and we needed some privacy to speak without the risk of being overheard. Sebastian was involved with a meeting from one of the activities my brother had left me as inheritance, so I knew there was no risk of him being around. Everything was ready for my announced meeting with the Captain, everything except me. I stood in front of his room for a while, looking at the wooden door, trying to muster up the nerve to knock. Every time I moved my knuckles towards the surface, a sting pierced my stomach. I repeated to myself that I only needed to tell him what I told to Sebastian and go away, but I was afraid. Afraid this would’ve been the last time I could’ve spoken to him, as if we’d ever been something more than allies. I took a deep breath and knocked. After a few seconds he opened the door and the bright light of that early afternoon enveloped all his figure, so much that he looked as an angelic appearance, even with his cold expression. A quote from a song resurfaced into my mind.

“And I will gladly break it, I will gladly break my heart for you.”

I wanted to pinch myself, as I was clearly ranting. Maybe I was starting to process that kiss and that was the reason why my brain was making me remembering those words.

“Miss?”

“S-sorry to disturb you.”

“Not at all. Come in.”

“No.”

He looked at me with an interrogative expression, while leaning on the door's frame, but then answered back. 

“Sorry. I’ve said I wouldn’t cause trouble with your fiancée and then asked you inside my room. I guess it’s not proper.”

I laughed. From what I’ve read about him, I would never picture him talking this way. I remembered I also needed to clear any misunderstanding about Albert. His expression was even more interrogative than before, so I explained. 

“It’s not a matter of what’s proper, it’s just that I wanted to use a safer room. I’ll explain later, I swear. So, could you please follow me, Captain?”

With an expressionless look on his face, he did as I asked.

*************************************************

Author's note: aaand yes, the kiss is finally here! Some of you may think it's only a peck but we've waited enough for this moment, so I think we can celebrate it. And if I were you, I would look forward to the next chapter too...As always, thank you for reading and see you soon!

P.s. the song is performed by Cigarettes After Sex

[nomenomens]

Nomen

Chapter XXX - They Don't Know You Like I Do

TW : none for now, but please check 'About Nomen' for more informations

CW : around 2400 words

Previous Chapter : Senza Fiato

Next Chapter : Sweet

Masterlist

***********************************************

June 7, Tuesday, 6:08 (present time)

I couldn’t properly understand why I was so keen on going to Miss’s stables every morning, but then here I was. Maybe it was the only time I could feel in control of something in this unfamiliar environment. Maybe it was the illusion of freedom. Maybe it was the rush of emotions that reminded me of the first time I stepped foot outside those damned walls all those years ago. Maybe I was just missing my black horse in Paradis. I didn’t know and I didn’t care to be honest, all I knew was that I immediately regretted making it an habit of mine as soon as I found Sebastian waiting for me that morning. He was leaning against the wooden door of the stall where the horse I had chosen for me weeks ago was staying. As he sensed my presence he stood right and revolted me the biggest and fakest of smiles. I heard something about his demonic nature, but what my mind pictured every time he spoke was a black, enormous and dangerous snake. He spoke first. 

“Good morning, Captain Ackerman.”

I was curious about why he was there clearly waiting for me, but it wasn’t my intention to talk to him if not absolutely necessary. I nodded my head as a sign of courtesy and walked past him, opening the stall’s door. As I started to scan through the brushes in order to decide which to use to clean the horse, he spoke again. 

“I’m sorry to bother you this early, but I wanted to ask you something far from other’s ears.”

“Why?”

“Shouldn’t you ask ‘what’?”

“Maybe I’ll ask that later.”

I didn’t even know why I was so bitter-tongued precisely. Even if my instincts were screaming to never trust him or let him close to me or the Squad, I had to admit he had been nothing but useful and professional to us. Perhaps I was annoyed to have to talk with someone on my alone-time. He decided to put up with my manners, but from his tone I could guess the usual courtesy was gone. 

“Very well. Because I am concerned about my Lady’s health.”

I flinched as I grabbed the red brush. Why was he even thinking of speaking with me about something regarding the miss? Her health, above all. Surprised, I turned to the horse, not even looking at him and trying to hide every reaction I could have. 

“What about it?”

“I’ve noticed a change in her behaviour after the Akura-Ou’s accident.”

“And what does that have to do with me?”

“So you have noticed something too?”

He was really testing my patience. Why was I being dragged into this questions? Why was he bothering me? And overall, why was he getting close? I could hear his steps as he stepped over the hay covering the pavement. 

“Of course I didn’t. We have barely spoke, I can’t describe her behaviour in any way.”

“Oh, Captain…why are you lying to me?”

Unexpectedly he tried to sling his hand over my arm, probably as a way to make me turn towards him, showing me his fake pout. I regretted my decision to leave the swords and the tridimensional maneuver behind at the entrance. I moved my hands swiftly enough to grab the knife I used to hide beneath my jacket and point it at his neck, but then I remembered his role. He was the Miss' butler, there was a limit to my actions, and that was the only reason why I stopped my instinct to put him on the ground and kick him.

“Keep your filthy hands off me.”

“And here I was thinking you would’ve enjoyed my touch. Don’t worry kitten, you can keep your claws hidden.” 

He took a step back and used two fingers to move my blade from his neck. I tried to observe his movements to anticipate what was the real reason behind this meeting. But what did he meant with the emphasis on “his” touch? Did he knew about…

“You’re as feral as others described. I guess my Lady has a type after all. I have to say I like you too since you remind me of a stray cat.”

“Are you here to annoy me and pick up a fight ‘cause you’re bored or do you have something serious to say?”

“I just wanted to see something from myself. You seem the loyal type. Keep that going, she likes it.”

“Why are you speaking like that about the Miss?”

“Because soon you’ll realize what you’re doing for her is a mistake.”

“I never did anything for her.”

“As I said, you shouldn’t lie to me, Captain. You saved her. There's no greater gift than life, isn't it right?”

“And yet-"

I stopped myself in time. He really was a devil. So he wanted to know about what truly happened that night? He must have had a hunch something had happened after our fight at the stables. I remembered I saw him on my way back right after our argument, maybe he picked up some sentences or gloomy expressions. I pictured her desperate face of that day, along with the resigned expression of that night, as she was thanking her perpetrator. I recalled her tone on the phone after I apologized and I instantly decided to hide our conversations from Sebastian. First of all, it wasn’t my place to speak of those sensitive matters of her. Second, if she wanted to tell him about those facts, he wouldn’t have to resort to came here and bother me with it. Third, I really couldn’t trust this fucking demon. His purple devilish eyes widened with hope as he got close to me again. Was he really trying to seduce me into revealing that information? He should’ve read better that file. No one was going to make me feel something even slightly close to what I’d felt for Erwin. I stood still and let him get closer as I resumed my speech. 

“-yet she forgot all about it when she got angry at my refusal to take over the stables. So prideful.”

“Hm.”

He looked at me with suspicion depicted all over his face. It was clear he didn’t believed me, but there was no way for him to tell I was lying for sure. At least I hoped so. He scoffed before smiling viciously at me. 

“I see this won't work. Well, you are humanity’s strongest after all. I’ll leave you to your brushes, Captain.”

Before I could ask him what he meant, he disappeared from my sight. As I resumed my ritual habit of brushing the horse I started wondering about what was the right thing to do. Should I tell about what happened to the Miss or the squad? At least Hange had to know. Even if this confrontation with Sebastian felt more personal than political, we weren’t in a position to risk our alliances. But then I would have to explain to Hange what happened with the Miss and that fact alone made me uneasy, since exposing the Miss’ thoughts seemed wrong. Perhaps it would be wiser to contact her first, but I’d have to talk with her alone, which wasn’t an easy task. Sebastian didn’t leave her side often, unless he was away, but he had just come back, so he probably wouldn’t go somewhere else very soon. Since the accident with Akura-Ou, Mizuki was a constant presence at her side too, but at least he wouldn’t question the Miss’s orders if she had to ask him to let us talk alone. Still, I couldn’t come up with a proper plan since I didn’t know her habits or schedule. As I was deep in thoughts, my phone fell from the pocket of my jacket and my answer manifested itself. For once I appreciated technology. I needed to call her. Yes, that was the only thing I could do. 

**************************************************

June 7, Tuesday, 12:28 (present time)  

A knocking on the door made me raise my face from the book I was desperately trying to study. My eyes met Albert’s figure leaned on the jamb. I scoffed while lowering the volume of the music I was using as background.

“What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to say goodbye, for now.”

“Where are you going?”

“To talk with Hanguang-jun.”

“I don’t think this falls under the concept of ‘investigating secretly’ we discussed yesterday.”

“He’s the only one who can give us some insight of that period though. I’ll tell him I’m searching remnants of the Wen’s clan in case Mo Xuanyu got close to them before or after trying the spell.”

“That’s elaborated but…be…be careful.”

“You’re worried about me?”

“Don’t push it, Albert.”

“I know, I know. It’s just…Vic, are you okay here?”

“Of course. Now, go. I have to study.”

We both smiled at each other before he turned his back and walked away. It was nice to be able to talk to him again without feeling resentment. I was worried about his mission and the possibles outcomes but I needed to trust him and to concentrate on other matters, like the exam I was trying to prepare. Unfortunately, every time someone interrupted me, I picked up the bad habit to concede myself a break from studying looking over at my phone, and that moment made no exception. I looked over at the phone but then got immediately bored. I placed it again on his usual place on the desk and focused on the song playing in the background. As I hummed along with the music I saw the phone’s screen turn bright. I looked over at it and my breath struggled to come out. It stood there, stuck in my chest for a few blinks of eyes, before my body moved as it went into autopilot motion. Why was the Captain calling me? I answered the call.

“Why are you calling me?”

“Not that I didn’t know about your lack of manners, but I think the way you answer your phone should be improved.” 

Shit. Once again making a fool of myself with him. I really needed to learn how to be less nervous when he was involved. 

“I’m sorry. You’re right. I was…surprised.”

“Well, I was surprised of something too.”

“Like what?”

“Your butler visited me this morning.”

My mind went blank with panic. Why? What happened? Did Sebastian do something wrong? I raised my voice starting to walk along the perimeter of my room, inscribing nervous ellipses on the pavement. 

“Are you okay? Did he hurt you? Are you in danger? Is he still there?”

“Oi! Breathe! Would I be calling you if I wasn’t fine?”

I let myself fall on the bed, bringing a hand over my forehead and placing my elbows over my knees. I sighed. 

“Sorry.”

“Stop saying that. I should’ve texted you but I didn’t want to risk him looking at you phone as some kind of creepy secretary.”

“What you wanted to tell me is that dangerous?”

“It’s weird. It didn’t set right with me and I thought it would be best to tell you. It concerns you more than me after all.”

“What happened?”

“He wanted to know why we fought that day at the stables.” 

Fuck. Clearly, I wasn’t that good of an actress. I jumped up and resumed my nervous walk while biting the inside of my bottom lip.

“Did he ask directly about that day?”

“No, I think he wanted me to tell him spontaneously, but his attempts failed.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Why? I didn’t say a word.”

“If he exposed himself enough to make you understand what he wanted, it probably means it’s up to something or he has a hunch. He needed confirmations and he probably got it with you evading his questions. Now he knows something’s wrong and you’re willing to help me.”

“This seems exaggerated to me. I didn’t deny we discussed, I just said it was because I refuted the stables.”

“I know him, Captain. I had trusted him all this time because of his ability in scheming and gather informations, I know how he works. And he knows me well too.”

I sighed and started to brush my fingers over my brows while sitting again. I stayed like that for a while, until his voice brought me back to reality, as my mind was already gone and incapable of producing a coherent thought. 

“Oi. Miss? Still there?”

“Yes, sorry. I was…thinking. Anyway, thank you. I find myself always in debt with you since I only put you in more and more dangerous situations every time. I’m so sorry.”

“I know it’s not your intention.”

“Still…I think you should all go away from me.”

“Personally, I agree, but we’re still waiting for Eren to contact us through you, so we don’t have a choice.” 

His tone was firm, cold. The hint of annoyance in his voice ignited my sense of guilt. I was putting him in danger, letting him too close to Sebastian and my personal mess. I needed to do something and draw a clear line between us and put some distance. He was right, him and the squad had to stay, waiting for Eren and so, only one possibility was left. I had to come clean with Sebastian with at least one of the secrets I was keeping from him. 

“I’ll clean this up, Captain. Thank you. For everything.”

“This sound as a dramatic goodbye.”

I laughed lightly. 

“You’re right. I’m a tad dramatic at times. But I meant it.”

“So it is a goodbye?”

I laughed again. He wasn’t even trying to be funny, or to make me laugh, and he wasn’t even truly worried about me, but my head needed to vent and, as often happened when I was nervous, I just laughed to let some of the tension flow. 

“I wasn’t talking about that. I was referring to my thanks to you. You’ve been…kind.”

“I think this is the first time someone defined me as ‘kind’.”

“They don’t know you like I do.”

“What?”

“Nothing. It was a song. Don’t mind me. As I was saying, I’ll make sure he won’t bother you anymore with this.”

“Wait, I thi-"

“Bye, Captain.”

I closed the call and kept the phone in my hands while thinking. I had to expose myself with Sebastian in some way, but how? How much? What was the safest thing to reveal? 

**************************************************

Why the fuck was she laughing at? Was it really a goodbye then? And above all, why was I worried now that she had closed the call without telling me what was her plan? I grabbed my swords and…let them down. What was I going to do? I took a deep breath and try to remember she was capable of making her own decision. She knew Sebastian better than me, if she said she would've take care of it, I should've trusted her. I suddenly remembered her words "They don't know you like I do.". They were familiar, but were did I heard them already? I took the phone to search them. I didn't know much about her, but I sensed those were probably lyrics of a song and her quotes weren’t often casual. There was a song with those words in the title. I checked on the player she gave me and there it was. I pressed play. 

"You called me, but I didn't answer.  I was so oblivious, now I'm asking for forgiveness. For every single time I failed you,  I'm feeling like it's me that killed you,  remembering the time they jumped you  and I was too scared to help you.  Looking back, I can't erase it, I guess it's time to face it,  you never seem to know how to let it all go. Don't listen to a single word they say about you  They don't know you like I do.  Don't listen to a single word they say about you  They don't know you like I do. Everybody saw you smiling, yeah, you were always good at hiding  You were always asking questions so you wouldn't draw attention.  Everyone who used you, they never really knew you  You're always showing up for everybody but yourself. See, I wish I could take it back, change the future and erase the past  grab the bullet out and pull you back,  I promise that I'd save your life like you saved mine.  But now it's far too late for that, and all I have is your story left to tell.  So let me tell it, let me tell."

All I had done was listening to a song and now I was stuck with guilt. Why quoting it? Was it just sheer coincidence that those words seemed to describe perfectly scrapes of me, her, common emotions towards other situations? I scratched my nape, lost in thousands of questions without an answer. Deep down I knew she was actually the only one who could control Sebastian, but I was feeling responsible. And if something would go wrong? If she had decided to surrender herself? I had heard Akura-Ou telling her about a possible fake contract with Sebastian that night, so what if  he could rebel against her and kill her? I tried to call her again, but she didn’t pick up. I took back my swords and tridimensional maneuver while some words of that damned song kept repeating inside my head. I couldn’t understand why her situation was bothering me, but I told myself I would do the same for everyone else, since I couldn’t bear the thought of humans dying on my watch. I wouldn’t let her die. Then again, a part of me was sure she wasn’t in any kind of immediate danger. I knew that.

So why was I running towards her place?

**************************************************

Author's note: Hi! As you have probably noticed, I couldn't just choose one or two sentences for this song, so there's almost a complete transcription of the lyrics, I apologize . I hope you have found it coherent with the character involved as much as I did. And I also apologize for the (mild) "cliffhanger", but I promise I'll try to make you forgive me with the next chapter. Wink wink. As always, thank you for reading and see you soon!

[nomenomens]

Nomen

Chapter XXIX - Senza Fiato

TW : hints at sex (nothing explicit), you can check for other warnings in the 'About Nomen' section

WC : around 3100 words

Previous Chapter : Sorrow II (Heart's Version)

Next Chapter : They Don't Know You Like I Do

Masterlist

*************************************************

June 2, Thursady, 01:47 (present time) 

“Seb?”

“Yes?”

“I think we should stop.”

“Right now?”

He looked at me, rising his head from between my legs. It was going to be difficult to let this kind of pleasure go, but every time we had sex lately, made me feel even emptier than before. If it wasn’t going to satisfy me mentally, because physical satisfaction was never off the table with him, then what was the point? Seemed like I just couldn’t keep an only physical relationship. I wanted more, and I knew he wasn’t the one who could give me what I wanted. 

“Starting tomorrow.”

“May I ask why so suddenly?”

“Because I have to study for the exams this month, and you know I use night hours to study, which means I’ll be exhausted and with very little time during the day. Also I’m always too tense and anxious during exam period.”

“Didn’t sex help you to relieve your stress?”

“I know, but if I am too out of it, my body doesn’t help me enjoying the sex, so I wish to try this way.”

“As you wish, my Lady…may I resume?”

“You may.”

He resumed his kisses along my thighs as I rolled the sheets into my fist. I hadn’t told him the real reasons why I wanted to stop, but I couldn't let anyone know about my green feelings for the Captain. I wanted to suppress them, stomp all over the stupid butterflies who gathered up inside the pit of my stomach every time I looked or thought of him. At first I hoped that continuing to use Sebastian would help, but lately I realized how vain this hope was. Even now, as Sebastian was the one giving me pleasure, I wished to see someone else in his stead. I clearly knew who that someone was, but I also clearly knew I wouldn't even dared to think his name out loud in the safe net of my mind, scared to become aware of how far my heart has already wondered on its own. I tried to block every fantasies about how he would treat me, every question about what he would say or do in a calmer and different reality, every attempt to idealize how he would feel about me, but nonetheless, whenever Sebastian and I had sex, every barrier I raised on myself would crumble down as sand. Captain Levi Ackerman was all I could think about and so, my solution was to give up the only activity that once used to made me feel in control. Sleeping with Sebastian used to erase every thought, but lately all it happened was to increase them, focusing on the wrong person. I couldn't let this happen any longer.

*******************************************************

I resumed my kisses along her thighs, the more I got closer to her hips, the more my mind was trying to make sense of her actions. My duty was to obey, because she had to believe our contract was solid, so I couldn’t question her more than I tried to do. Was it because of the Captain? It was evident she liked him but then, since they had barely spoke, why stop our agreement? Some foolish thing, like her heart, couldn’t bare the thought of sleeping with someone she hadn’t feelings for? Then she shouldn’t have started this relationship in the first place. I couldn’t understand human hearts and minds when feelings were involved and even if I thought I knew everything there was to know about her, I was still surprised easily by her actions. In any case, I sensed something else had happened with the Captain, but when? Was it before I got back from Germany? And more importantly, what? Why was she hiding something from me? Too many questions for my own liking. I had to get answers. 

*******************************************************

June 6, Monday, 11:08 (present time) 

“Na-na-mi-chaaaan!”

Hearing Mizuki’s happy tone while calling me was one of the sound I cherished the most and feared the most at the same time. It was more often than not a prelude to something ominous and I sensed that even this time, whatever he needed to tell me wouldn’t be pleasurable. I turned my head towards my room’s door, where he was standing, with a big smile on his face. Even his expression didn’t reassure me.

“What is it?”

“If you have a moment, you have a visitor. Well, a guest.”

“I’m trying to study, can’t it wait?”

“I guess, he didn’t say it was urgent.”

Mizuki was about to go back but then I realized I hadn’t asked the most important question.

“Mizuki! Wait! Who is he?”

“Albert. Or Jin Zixuan, I don’t know what do you want me to call him.”

Did he perhaps had news about my brothers? But then he would’ve demanded to see me immediately. Did he thought I would’ve seen him right away in any case? Well, since he was back from Germany, he surely had to have some new informations. In any case, this was an easy win for him, even if the only reason why I was agreeing to see him right away was related to my brothers. 

“Call him Albert, it’s easier for me. And let him in.”

“In your room?”

“He’s been here before.”

His face dropped every ounce of happiness at once. His expression betrayed anger mixed with apprehension and I felt the need to explain, since Mizuki wasn’t here when Albert came into my life.

“He was my betrothed and we became friends, but we didn’t really love each other and then we fought and parted. Anyway, that’s in the past and there are no lingering feelings or unresolved ones, so he won’t even try to do anything to me, if you’re worrying about that.”

“Nanami-chan, I know my place.”

His resigned expression wounded me even more than his words. I got up from my chair and walked towards him, wondering if what I was doing was worse than just dismiss him. With my every action I was bound to hurt him, and that fact alone was one of the reasons I had thought about letting him go again. Unfortunately for him, I was selfish enough to keep him by my side, a side of me that Sebastian knew well as he was the only one to appreciate it. I grabbed both of Mizuki’s hands in mine and met his gaze. 

“Mizuki, your place is here, beside me. I know some of my words and actions hurt you, but I won’t give you up unless you will decide to go away. I need you with me. But…but if you can’t bear to stay and witness my decisions, both past and future ones, then-"

He laid his head against my shoulder and I heard him inhaling and exhaling deeply before hugging me. He started to talk, tickling my ear with his whispers. 

“I went away once, because you wanted me to, and I regretted it. I’d rather suffer a thousand deaths than leaving you before the time comes.”

“I don’t want you to suffer at all.”

I grabbed his head with both hand, placing it in front of me and looking deeply into his jade eyes, now veiled by sadness, an emotion I wished to never see on his face. I wanted to say something, but what to say? I couldn’t love him and I couldn’t let him go for good. I was the cause of his own pain but I never wanted him to suffer so much. My mouth was open, but no sound was coming from it. In that moment he broke my spiral of thoughts poking my nose and starting to laugh, leaving me flabbergasted.

“Nanami-chan, I don’t know what you were going to tell me, but I’ll never leave your side, no matter what, and I know you love me. Not as I wished you would, but you care about me more than anyone has ever did. We’ll learn to be the best of friends for each other. Now, should I let your guest in?”

I hugged him tightly before letting him go. We started fixing each other’s hair as a reflex as soon as we parted and bursted into laugh again at our coordinated gestures. Then he went back to get Albert and as I looked at his figure walking away, my mind projected a question I had already made to myself years ago: why couldn’t I fall for him?

*******************************************************

Spring, seven years ago 

“You shouldn’t like me!”

“I know!”

Tomoe’s lavender eyes widened up at my sudden loud tone. I was exhausted. It had been months since I had realized my feelings for him and confessed and never once he had looked at me differently. For a while he had even avoided to touch me and it was torture. As a result, I was now snapping at him for stupid little things and as he tried to clear the air, my blood heated up so much during the arguments that I was practically screaming on the external emergency stairs of my high school. We stared at each other for a while, then I checked the time on my watch. I had very little time before I had to come back to class.

“Look, there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ve tried. I forced myself to think of something else, about someone else, but you’re the one I like. You know how I feel. I’ve even tried to look at Mizuki differently because he cares for me and maybe he deserved a chance but… simply put, he’s not you. You have no idea how many times I had asked myself why couldn’t I fell for him, but nothing ever changed. You’ll never feel the same, I got that, but please, please, don’t push me away. You…you’re…y-you’re…”

As I started to cry, I took a step back, hitting the iron handrail behind me but before I could lose my balance, Tomoe brought me back to the center of the landing where we were fighting. It was the first time he touched me in weeks and I desperately grabbed his shirt, sticking to his chest were I reverberated all of my tears. He stood still for a moment before patting my head in a reassuring way. 

“Nanami, I’m s-"

“Don’t say it.”

I pushed myself back and looked at him in the eyes, trying to muster up the courage to speak again without stuttering. 

“Don’t say you’re sorry, I don’t need this. I am the one who’s sorry for burdening you with my feelings. But I like you and I want to like you even if you don’t feel the same. I only ask you to let me stay by your side. I don’t care if it’ll hurt, I’ll handle it, or at least I’ll try. I beg you, don’t leave me and don’t avoid me. Act as you did before.” 

I waited for an answer, whatever the content may be, but he just looked at me in silence. I finally turned and as I held the handle of the door to go back into the school’s hallway, he whispered something I couldn’t understand. 

“What?”

“I said, you can have better than Mizuki.”

My blood started to boil, but I was aware I needed to control my reaction. I approached him again, lowering my voice best I could. If a part of me was trying to sound intimidating, the other one sabotaged my own intentions, revealing the last traces of the truth I tried so hard to suffocate with a broken voice.

“How dare you speak of him like that? He’s kind, caring and maybe if I had a little control about my heart I would’ve chosen him to fall in love with, but instead I fell for you! You! Mizuki is a great person and despite what you think of him, he has always proved how much he loves me and how loyal he can be. I wish I could love him, but instead I’m losing my mind over you!”

I tried to read the emotions painted on his face and failed miserably. He just stood there, still as marble, with his eyes fixed on mine. I could sense something between us was broken for good. I left him there, on those stairs and ran to class, trying my best to suppress the sobs into the hand that covered my mouth while inside my mind a storm of desperation was roaring. A revelation came: I needed to let Tomoe go, let my feelings go and move on in order to regain my sanity. 

"Get out of my head.  Get out of my bed.  Get out of my head. Won't you please tell me now  tell me how am I supposed to live without you?  No, please, don't tell me now (touch me)  tell me how am I supposed to live without you? No, please, don't."

But I didn’t want to renounce to him. 

*******************************************************

June 6, Monday, 11:13 (present time) 

“I didn’t expect you to receive me immediately, Vic.”

“Liar. You know exactly that if you would’ve suddenly returned here from Berlin I would’ve received you hoping to listen to some news, even if you didn’t ask for an urgent meeting.”

“You make me smarter than I am.”

“I know you can be even slyer than this.”

“Shall I took this as a compliment?”

“Do as you wish. Now, speak.”

“Only if you look at me.”

I lifted up my head to meet his gaze, placing the pen I was holding on the written sheet in front of me. I had deliberately chosen to continue studying in front of him, just to let him notice how busy I was and that I wouldn’t interrupt my businesses for conversing with him. Pointless to say, my plan had just failed. I asked myself why I was still trying so hard to prove some kind of point to him, why I was so focused on letting him know I was uninterested in him. I let my hand fall on my lap and looked at him with an annoyed expression depicted all over my face. 

“Happy now?”

“I can’t be happy if you’re looking at me with that expression.”

“You should be grateful I’m looking at you when I’m clearly busy.”

“I thought last time we were able to improve our relationship.”

“You deluded yourself then. Anyway, I don’t have any intention to discuss about this now, just tell me what you came here for.”

“I don’t have any news about your brothers whereabouts.”

“Then you can go, thank you for the report. Mizuki will show the way.”

“Don’t be so hasty, listen to me!”

He stopped my swivel chair from turning back to the desk, placing his hands on the seatback and caging me unintentionally with his body. I looked at a distant point behind him at my right, avoiding his face pointed just in front of mine. I swallowed my guilt, knowing I was acting out more than it was necessary. Albert was being careful in his every action and maybe it was time for me to cut him some slack. It’s not like I had any kind of feelings left for him anymore, it was time to go on. 

“S-sorry. Go on.”

“Did you just apologize to me?”

“Don’t be like that, Albert. I know how to apologize.”

“I know, I just wasn’t expecting this.” 

“…Sit there.”

I signaled him to sit on my bed as I rolled my chair in front of him. We were now at the same eye level and in a more fitting and comfortable position. I crossed my legs and stared down at my hands. I was nervously playing with my fingers and nails. Then I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I felt his warm hand touching my chin, hinting at me to look at him again, but this time I decided not to listen to him and moved away his hand with my fingers, pushing him away. Silence filled the room with an awkward tension until I whispered, now looking at the window at my left. 

“Albert…I don’t want to argue. We hurt each other every time we speak, but all I want is to have a normal conversation with you. I know it’s mostly my fault. I’m stiff and resentful but…actually, no, I was resentful. Now I don’t feel anything. How badly I treat you is just habit and I wish to change it. We were friends, good friends, and in time maybe we can be like that again. I’ll try to be more fair to you.”

“Vic.”

I finally looked at him and seeing his warm expression made me smile timidly in return. He placed his hands over mine, slightly squeezing them before interlacing our fingers. It was a delicate gesture that brought us back to old times and happy memories we both cherished somewhere, deeply buried in our minds. I let him play with my hands while we resumed our talking.

“So, what were you going to say?”

“Maybe it’s nothing important, but I noticed something while reading Cesare’s file.”

“Which one?”

“The Yiling Patriarch’s one. The one with the conditions for his possible resurrection.”

“What about it?”

“It mentioned a certain kid, Wen Yuan.”

“Yes, I remember.”

“What if he’s alive?”

“What do you mean?”

“The Cesare we both knew wouldn’t have just run away without insuring his safety first. But the only people he truly trusted at that time-“

“-were Sebastian and Hanguang-jun.”

“Exactly.”

“None of them said anything though, even if for different reasons both of them would rather die than reveal something about my brother. On the other hand, Cesare might have resorted to someone else to handle this, but who? I don’t know anyone…”

“Me neither, but I would investigate for you. Maybe Jiang Cheng learned about that kid too and started to search for him.”

“I’m inclined to exclude this option. From what I’ve learned, Jiang Cheng turned his back on Cesare because he couldn’t stand how he defended the Wen clan’s survivors. Unless…if he learned about Cesare’s sacrifice for him…he might have searched for a way to redeem himself…”

My eyes started to blink rapidly with an increasing rhythm that matched the beating of my heart. Albert had just given me new hope, a new lead, a way to get out of the metaphorical swamp I was stuck in. Then a question stamped into my thoughts. Why Sebastian had never mentioned the kid? It wasn’t like him not to pursue this kind of leads.

“Could you search for this kid secretly?”

“I already said I would, but Sebastian may be a better choice. He’s faster.”

“I’m not in a hurry. So, will you?”

“Vic.”

“What?”

“What’s wrong with Sebastian?”

“Noth-"

“Don’t lie.”

I took a pause to reflect about what to do. I was determined to improve my relationship with Albert, but could I trust him with all of my doubts I never dared to speak about? Since Akura-Ou made that observation about my allegedly fake mark of the contract with Sebastian, I couldn’t stop myself from thinking something was wrong. 

“If he hasn’t spoke to me about this kid before, it means there’s a reason.”

“This isn’t an answer.”

“Take it or leave it.”

“All right, I’ll take it. I’ll investigate alone. But what if he discovers it?”

“I’ll handle it. It’s not like he can kill me before my time.”

Or could he?

*******************************************************

Author's note: Hello! As you can probably understand by its title, this chapter's song is italian. To be honest, is a duet between an Italian singer and a very well known Irish one, that was Dolores O'Riondan. I really loved her voice and I instantly fell in love with this duet, and the pain she delivered while singing those lyrics. I have included only the part she sings in english, so there's no need to translate anything, but anyway I suggest you to search for translation of the italian part too. In any case, the translation of the title, just to give you an idea of the meaning, is "Breathless". Anyway, our main character has a very clear sense of her feelings for Captain Levi, she know what she feels like and isn't afraid to admit it to herself, even if she wants to "stomp" over them. Well, time will let us know if she can overcome them. One way to try to free herself is to stop her relationship with Sebastian, the other one is to keep herself occupied with other thoughts and Albert came in the picture at the right moment providing her one: search for A-Yuan. I can spoiler you that you will discover who A-Yuan is and where at the end of this course, so you have all the time to try and guess. To help you, just know his universe (fandom) has already been hinted in the past. As always, thank you for reading!

[nomenomens]

Nomen

Chapter XXVIII - Sorrow II (Heart's Version)

TW : none for now, but please check 'About Nomen' for more informations

WC : around 2500 words

Previous Chapter : Sorrow I (Anger's Version)

Next Chapter : Senza Fiato

Masterlist

**************************************************

Fall, almost five years ago

“What’s this?” 

“Something I think you should have.”

I opened the box and founded my player resting at the bottom of it. I looked over at Cesare with an interrogative face. He was sitting next to me, at the usual bench in the park I used to bring Ted for his afternoon walk. Cesare was clearly tired as he could barely keep his eyes open. I had tried to ask him about it, but instead he had given me that box. 

“Why is my player here? I thought I’d left it at home.”

“You did. I made Sebastian fetch it and added an album to your library. You said you didn’t want any gift from me, so I had to improvise.”

“You know it’s difficult for me to explain to my parents how I get things if you give me too much. It’s already hard to explain the files as books, since I don’t have a defined allowance.”

“That’s why I had to arrange something like this. Now, search for that new album and look at the titles.”

It took me a little while to find the new album he was speaking about, but then I saw there were a lot of titles in there, as if it was a compilation. As I read those titles, I commented.

“Anger, Sorrow…they are emotions, mostly. Or senses. Or numbers.”

“Yes. Look at me now, Lucrezia.”

He reclined his head a bit, letting it rest on his shoulders. His curls were starting to cover his eyes and I instinctively moved them with my fingers to have better access to his gaze. As soon as I saw his eyes, a part of me wished to cover them as they were so intense that made me shiver. He had something on his mind, but I knew he would evade every question I might've pointed to him. He took that very same hand I used to move his hair and held it on his cheek, inhaling with his eyes closed. Before I could ask anything, he spoke. 

“I found this album recently and I know you’ll like it. That band…they’re good. And their project is interesting. I think you should memorize the titles and lyrics and when you feel a certain emotions and you want someone to understand you, I suggest you play the song with the matched title. Listen also to the numbers, they all tell a story. After what happened with Albert…I think you could use this as some kind of therapy.”

“Thank you, but why I ‘should have it’?”

“I…can’t always be with you, you know?”

“That means…you’re leaving? Or am I annoying you and you need your space?”

“Of course not, why would you ever think that?”

His eyes felt familiar again, and were now filled with worry. I thought he was hiding something, but my mind wasn’t capable to detect what he wasn’t saying clearly. He scooped closer to me and hugged me, making me rest my head on his chest. Feeling his beating heart beneath the layers of thick clothes was reassuring, especially since it was accompanied by his familiar scent, sprayed all over the scarf. I felt his lips on the crown of my head, and later a single drop. 

“It’s raining?”

“I think it’s starting to.”

Then, he let me go from his embrace and fussed as a baby to recollect his things and let me go home, filling the silence with futile words. He was being weird, but it wasn’t the first time I had witnessed his goofy side, so I decided to let it slide. When we parted, every one of his gesture was lingering: the way he looked at me, how he kissed me on the cheek, how he hugged me and how he held my hand. It was the last time I saw him standing. Few weeks later he was gone.

I replayed that day thousands of time in my head before it dawned on me: the drop I felt on my head wasn’t rain, but tears. His lingering gestures, his tantrums weren't casual, because he knew he had to say his last goodbye as his usual self before he would be too consumed to do so. 

***************************************************

May 26, Thursday, 15:29 (present time)

For the first time I felt the urgency to talk to the Captain. I stared at those titles he had sent me for a while, trying to understand what to do, then my thumb moved on his own accord and called him. I was still under the portico, surrounded by those beautiful frescos, but the moment he answered and I heard his voice, I swear beauty assumed another form. 

“Hello?”

I closed my eyes as I took a deep breath, trying to find the words I wanted to say, but all that came out from my mouth was air.

“Miss?”

“S-sorry…”

After hearing his voice, an apology was all I could mutter before closing the call. I held the phone so strongly in my hand that the grip was actually making my fingers hurt. When the phone buzzed again I was so surprised it almost fell from my hand, but as my mind was clearly not functioning, I answered the call without seeing who it was. 

“Yeah?”

“So there wasn’t a connection problem.”

I silently wondered by myself if there would ever be a day when I wouldn’t make a fool of myself with the Captain. I knew in my heart that the answer was going to be negative in all probability. 

“Sorry…”

“Is that all you can say these days?”

“Are you always so rude?”

“If people aren’t usually fond of me there’s got to be a reason.”

“I am fond…”

I realized I was saying things I shouldn’t be saying, so I coughed to mask the sentence and try to save myself from embarrassment. 

“…was fond of your presentation on the file I read, but I think it didn’t mention how annoying you can be.”

“Oi. Watch it.”

“Is that a threat?”

“If it was a real one you would know.”

“Then are you playing with me? Why writing those titles out of the blue? Do you think it’s funny to do things that will make me…”

“Make you what?”

“Self-conscious.”

“That’s not my intention. I thought it was a way…to…apologize.”

He wanted to apologize? I was dumbfounded. Everything was so surreal. 

“F-for what?”

“Intruding. And assuming.”

Oh. I felt actually guilty for making him feel like he should apologize for something he was right to begin with. I was fine with dying that day, so it was a contradiction to thank him for saving me. It was also true that he seemed to be angry at me without a proper reason, and maybe that was the real cause behind my nervous reaction at his words. I decided to let everything slide, moving on. I wasn’t in a position to ask him to clarify his feelings, since I didn’t want to expose mine. I changed the topic.

“So, what about the songs?”

“I wanted to let you know that I had accepted the second gift. I still don’t know how to react to this gesture of yours, but I gave a try on the player and I have to admit some songs and their words reasoned with…it was nice to feel understood.”

“Really?”

“Yes. The first one I sent was the one you quoted, and I have to say it moved me, but I was especially impressed with the words of the second one.”

“May I ask why?”

“They were fitting, they show exactly how sorrow works. And…”

“And?”

“Sounded familiar.”

“I see.”

Yes, those lyrics were really evocative and descriptive. I suddenly remembered the moment Cesare gifted that album to me. I tried to suppress my emotions, but I guessed my voice wasn’t helping me in maintaining a dignified facade, since I had to clear my voice at almost every sentence. 

“Did you already listened to the other songs of the same album, Captain?”

“I did. They are accurate.”

“Indeed.”

Silence fell. We both weren’t great chatters to begin with, and the fact we weren’t close to each other made even more difficult to continue a proper conversation. This time, he started to speak, but as soon as I realized where he was going with the speech, I abruptly stopped him, only this time he cornered me. 

“I…you’re right, it’s not my business but…”

“Captain, I really am thankful I was saved that night. That you saved me. Whatever I thought in that moment…it was just a moment and-"

“I saw that look. Lots of times. I know when someone is really ready to give up and accept his fate. Even if I don’t like it, I’m sure you read about some of those times.”

I knew exactly what episode he was referring to. When Commander Erwin Smith gave up on his dream and died as the Captain had suggested. 

“Yes.”

“Good, ‘cause I wouldn’t explain it. I selfishly never wanted to find myself in front of the same expression and when I did saw you that night…I couldn’t respect your choice.”

“And a part of me is really glad you didn’t.”

“What about the other?”

I scoffed. Was I really opening to him over the phone? Was he doing the same? Could we at least try to be acquaintances? I knew speaking of friends would be pushing it, since we had a total of three conversations, but I dared to hope. 

"Go ahead and laugh even if it hurts. Go ahead and pull the pin. What if we could risk everything we have and just let our walls cave in?"

“The other, you say. Well…she’ll need time.”

“Let her know I understand. That’s why I’ve sent Sorrow.”

“All right.”

“Then, goodbye.”

“Goodbye, Captain.”

I hung up the phone and clutched it over my chest, trying to steady my breaths. I realized I wanted to say something more to him, I wanted to let him know how much his gesture was appreciated and how much it meant to me, how happy and surprised I was to see he had chosen a song I cherished that much. My face flushed so much I thought I had just developed a fever. At least this time he wasn’t in front of me. I decided one day I would continue that conversation, if the occasion would ever present itself again, but for now, all I could do was to focus on something else. 

Hange was right. I needed to apologize to maintain a good relationship with our main political ally, the one Eren trusted enough to tell his plan before he ever discussed it with us, his squad. Hange discovered about our discussion at the stables from Mizuki during one of their morning chat, after she had done questioning him about his nature and identity. Seems like no one knew about the content of our argument but still it was noticed. Hange then told me to make amend and the only other thing I knew about her was her deep connection with music. I still didn’t get the fuss about it, but after I read the words of some of her favourite song, as the playlist’s name suggested they were, I realized I was reading about her. What she felt, how she perceived herself and some people in her life. There were a lot of songs about losing someone, pain, unrequited feelings, ordinary emotions displayed simply with words. I felt some of those emotions too, but I would never thought of the possibility that someone else could feel the same way and even be capable to put into words something as complex. It was clear to me now why she cherished music so much: it was a way to explain things she couldn’t say out loud, things she felt but didn’t have the right words to express. I realized most of those words talked about a deep pain, a kind of sorrow that permeated her very existence and that she couldn’t let go. It was her way to know she was alive probably. Or maybe some form of atonement. As she even felt guilty to be alive, she was willing to accept a life of pain. I could understand those feelings better than I wanted to admit. Even if the outcome was different, what we felt was probably similar and I couldn’t help but feeling linked to her. I rewinded our discussion and again: her expression, her words, showed a crack and I was stubbornly determined to know more. Why though? In order to judge her better as a person, I was hurting her, trying to expose her. If someone would ever do the same to me, I would’ve killed them without having second thoughts, so why was I insisting so much? Was I scared of trusting someone unworthy? I had been too hard with her without a proper reason, so it was right to apologize and not spoil the relationship with our ally. I decided to send her those titles on a whim, as a way to apologize without having to make a speech, I knew she would get the hint. 

As I hung up, I started to ask myself how and why did I open up myself to her. All I wanted to do was apologize and I ended up hinting at Erwin and my own pain, and that wasn’t how it was supposed to go. What was happening to me?

***************************************************

May 27, Friday, 07:09 (present time) 

It was the last day of lessons before the exam period began. Waking up so early had never been as difficult as today, as Sebastian had kept me up more than usual the previous night. It was again my request to be fair, but he seemed to be even more willing than me to not stop early, which had made me suspicious. When I asked him about it, he just said he saw me distracted and wanted to help. It was always like this between us lately: I was thinking of something else and he provided comfort and distraction, but I could see we both were consuming each other without gaining what we wanted. At the end, we would still be thinking of something else, and even if I was curious to know, I never dared to ask what was on his mind. I used to feel empowered while sleeping with him, a sensation that was now fading away. Our actions were becoming more and more mechanical, losing every trace of the connection I once had felt with him. I was lazily thinking about ending things with him while looking out of the window of my father’s car when I noticed the Captain, always on the same horse, running through the green field, softly lightened by a gentle cold light, the one which appeared before dawn. I had saw him countless of times there, but it was the first time since that phone call and my heart skipped more than a beat as my mind pictured some words while I was contemplating his beauty.

"The blue and green below  is a masterpiece,  but you are beautiful  like I've never seen."

Fuck. 

***************************************************

Author's note: Hi! I guess the final swearing is the most common reaction while looking at Levi doing his things, I know we all (or almost all) felt that at least once. And yes, of course this means our main character is aware she's starting to catch deeper feelings, but we'll have time to see how this goes, we still have a long way before us! Btw, even in this chapter both songs are quoted (Sorrow and Heart) and I truly recommend for you to listen to them. Anyway, thank you for reading and see you soon!

[nomenomens]

Nomen

Chapter XXVII - Sorrow I (Anger's Version)

TW : none for now, but please check 'About Nomen' for more informations

WC : around 2900 words

Previous Chapter : The Messenger

Next Chapter : Sorrow II (Heart's Version)

Masterlist

***************************************************

May 13, Friday, 16:01 (present time)

Sebastian never mentioned that night again, and neither did I, but something had changed. I had the feeling he was trying to investigate deeper into what happened, but I decided to play dumb to avoid more questions. After our first encounter three days ago, Sebastian was often away, something he never did before, as he used to be glued to my side most of times. Not that I was actually alone, since Mizuki was even more paranoid and worried than before, even if we all knew for certain that Akura-Ou wouldn’t come back soon since he needed to get stronger and grew new shikigami, as Captain Ackerman had reported. The marks on my neck were fading, and the make up Mizuki placed everyday was really doing his trick, along with his solution to help my voice recover. My parents thought I took a cold and everything seemed fine. So why was I nervous?

“A-Li.”

“Yeah?”

“Mey-Rin just said to tell you “he said yes”, whatever that means.”

“Oh, o-okay. Thank you, Seb.”

Oh right, that’s probably why I was nervous. I was waiting for his answer. I didn’t pay any attention to the rest of the class, so much that Sebastian had to shake me to make me realize it was time to get up and exit the room. Had he really accepted my gifts? Weren’t them a bit too weird? The idea of giving him those gifts was actually made on an impulse at two a.m., when I had woken up and realized that Sebastian was gone and Mizuki was in my room in his place, dozing off on my chair. I wanted to thank the Captain and express my gratitude and my mind hadn’t been able to produce a better idea. Later I explained to Sebastian what Mey-Rin was referring to and even if his expression was still the same, I swear I saw his jaw tighten as soon as I mentioned the Captain. I wasn’t sure if he was suppressing a laugh or a growl.

********************************************

May 22, Sunday, 14:32 (present time)

“Roni!”

“Watch out!”

“Are you okay?”

“Did you hurt yourself?”

“Can you get up?”

In a matter of seconds, my parents, uncles, aunties and cousins of every grade were all over me, trying to pick me up from the ground where I fell. It happened quite frequently to me to fall from the stillest positions, but I guess it was my first time to actually fell down from a chair with armrests, while staying perfectly motionless. I tried to reassure everyone with a big laugh, blaming my clumsiness and getting up by myself, ignoring the hand of my relatives. They all blamed some mole that was weakening the soil since last year. I was just sitting in a bad place over a tunnel made by that mole according to them. Just my luck. I brushed my clothes, now full of dirt, and I noticed my hands and legs were shaking uncontrollably. I looked at my mom and she immediately picked up the situation, intercepting my silent request for help. 

“You continue with your lunch, we’ll take a short walk.”

“I’ll come too!”

My cousin, Ari, joined me and my mom, escorting us into the woods she knew as the back of her hand. It was actually her birthday that we were celebrating. She worked along with her husband in those stables, without knowing it was my property. Well, it was actually my brother’s property, but no one had any idea I lead a double life. My mom gave me a tissue since I had started crying as a little girl as soon as we were far from the rest of the relative’s sight. 

“Oh no, Roni! Why are you crying? Did you hurt yourself?”

“Don’t worry, Ari, it’s normal for her. Whenever she falls, she cries because she’s easily embarrassed.”

My mom was right. I was a grown up, but still couldn’t stop crying as a way to release the tension every time I fell, just as I did when I was little. They both started to stroke my back in reassurance, which actually made me feel worse. I hated being at the centre of attention, especially in these kind of situations. I took a long and deep breath, letting the smell of the rain from the day before still fresh on that side of the land invading my nose, while the gentle and cold breeze of that cloudy day caressed my face and calmed me some more. It was full spring, but this side of the hill, just a few miles from home, surely didn’t know and I was glad for that. 

“I think I’m fine now.”

“Then shall we go?”

“You go back, I’ll go to the bathroom and wash my face.”

“All right.”

With those words and an apprehensive look on their faces, both of them went back to the tables outside the little cabin where the kitchen was, where everybody was having lunch outdoors despite being cloudy and a bit too cold to be the end of May. I never went to the bathroom, but instead I walked more, reaching the first paddock. It was empty. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply again. Now it was smelly, as the horses were closer, but I didn’t care. When I inhaled a different but familiar smell, without opening my eyes, I started to speak, knowing Sebastian was there.

“Don’t mock me.”

“I never said a word, A-Li.”

“But you saw.”

“You know I have to watch you.”

“Well you didn’t do it that much these days, so I hoped for a moment you would be too distracted to notice me.”

A weird silence fell, and so I opened my eyes to see his face closer than I anticipated to my cheek. His expression was serious. 

“A-Li, you know it’s because-“

“You’re working with Albert searching for Jiang Cheng and you’re tracing his every known move to trace a pattern and discover where he is hiding. I know. I’m not blaming you for that, I was just joking, why are you so serious?”

“Because lately I think you’re distracted too.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re losing focus on your mission.”

“It’s only because there’s nothing I can do if we don’t find Mo Xuanyu or Jiang Cheng. My brother is always my priority, don’t worry.” 

A metallic sound interrupted our conversation. I looked over where the sound originated and recognized the Captain, fixing his tridimensional maneuver while walking towards us, followed by Mizuki, who was now getting off his white celestial snake. I didn’t think he would come without someone from his squad, but then again, it was his own gift. Before they got too close to us, I spoke again to Sebastian. 

“Mizuki knows what to do, it’s not the first time he comes here. Let the Captain have his tour and decide by himself. If he has questions or anything else, you’re the referent for that. Also, tell them to be more discreet with their means of transportations, they're not invisible and there are lots of people around.”

I started to walk back, never looking back at any of them, but I heard Mizuki’s quick step following me until I was too close to my relatives for him to reach me. I was still embarrassed and covered with dirt, so I had no intention of talking with the Captain in those conditions. Also, Sebastian’s words hit a nerve. I was distracted since Eren and the Squad had arrived. Since the Captain arrived. In any case, I would never put anything or anyone else before the possibility of having my brother back; even if I was somehow distracted, that was my only principle. But then, why was I relieved when I thought Akura-Ou had finally killed me?

“…and over there is the cabin, but my Lady is having lunch with her family so we can’t go too close. So, it is to your liking, Captain Ackerman?”

“Why does she want to give me the property of her stables?”

“From what I know it’s a gesture of gratitude.”

“That is what troubles me.”

“May I ask what does it mean?

“It’s nothing.”

“Are you thinking my Lady has an ulterior motive?”

“That’s not what I said. Anyway, when can I talk to her to give my final answer?”

“I’m your referent for every question.”

“Then tell her I can’t accept.”

“As your wish.”

Sebastian smiled politely, but it was noticeable his politeness was fake. He clearly couldn’t wait for me to disappear and to stop being my guide. I was feeling uneasy. The place was beautiful, so different and yet so similar to Paradis, but I never wished for stables or a home outside from the island. Everything felt weird and it was even weirder how she was avoiding me. I didn’t want to do so but here I was, asking myself many useless questions about her, unable to keep her out of my head. The expression on her face that night, her pleading through the phone, the way she showed interest for our cause, the vulnerability she showed the night i found her crying on the hood of her car, screaming songs at the sky. I couldn’t get her, and I had always relied on my instinct to judge someone, so the fact that I couldn’t place her was confusing me more than I wanted to admit. I didn’t wish to understand her, I didn’t care enough to try either, but something continued to draw me to her. That was why, without actually planning what to say or how to do it, I discovered myself following her as soon as she was alone in front of the same paddock where I saw her earlier. 

It was almost time to go back home. The wind was rising stronger and clouds were gathering more and more, promising rain. I loved rain, but it scared me when it rained too heavy and I wasn’t home. I was mentally recalling various episodes that included rain when I heard steps behind me. 

“It feels like falling, it feels like rain, like losing my balance again and again. It once was so easy: breathe in, breathe out, but at the foot of this mountain I only see clouds.”

“Mizuki, I told you, I just needed a breather, I’m going back in five minutes to say goodbye to my relatives as a proper niece should do.”

“Not Mizuki.” 

His voice made me shiver as always. Deep and calm. I hadn’t heard it much, but the memories of his voice were branded inside my brain along with the look in his eyes. I refused to turn and look at him, but I started to hope someone would interrupt us. Sadly, it was just us and the horses, since two were now in the paddock, on the opposite side from where we were standing. The cabin was far and the employees were busy between the other paddocks along the vale in front of us. Sebastian was surely watching me from a distance, but I had prohibited him to approach unless it was a matter of life and death, the same went for Mizuki. Sebastian would surely follow my orders, so my only hope was Mizuki, but he stayed clear from the horses, as they could perceive his snake-nature. So I was trapped into having a conversation with him. I tried to make it brief.

“I feel out of focus, or at least indisposed as this strange weather pattern inside me takes hold. Each brave step forward I take three steps behind. It's mind over matter, matter over mind.”

“I’m sorry, Captain, I thought Mizuki-“

“Yes, I figured.”

He had stopped walking, probably before getting too close to the fence where I was leaned on, with a foot over the first of the horizontal wooden bar of the paddock’s gate. I decided to make a run for it.

“Well, I have to go.”

“You said you would wait five minutes before going back. You have enough time.”

Shit. Now I needed an excuse. I turned and finally looked at him. Fortunately he wasn’t too close.

“Slowly, then all at once. A single loose thread and it all comes undone.”

“…you don’t have to be so literal, Captain. I have to go the bathroom suddenly, it takes a while to-”

I started to walk but as soon as I was about to cross him, he turned his head, looking right at me and ignoring my attempts to escape this situation. His gaze made me freeze right there, a few inches from his body at my left. I looked at him while panic took the best of me and our eyes locked for the first time that day. His eyes were really something else, but that wasn’t the right time to lose myself in them. He spoke first. 

“I don’t think you really have to take a shit right now, so…why?”

His harsh tone and words made me flinch. I decided to not pick up his provocation, trying to maintain an apparent calm. 

“…why what?”

“Why this?”

He made circles with his pointing fingers, hinting at the whole land around us. I took the hint.

“As I wrote, it was a way to show you my gratitude. You saved me and I wanted to thank you.”

“Enough with the bullshit! Why the fuck are you grateful I intervened that night if you were thanking that man for killing you?”

“Where there is light, a shadow appears: the cause and effect when life interferes.”

I immediately turned my face, looking at my feet in a pathetic and futile attempt to hide my shocked expression. He heard me. He saw. I recalled that moment in my head, when I let my hands fall from Akura-Ou’s wrists, accepting my death and whispering to him my thanks before smiling and let myself go, feeling glad someone did something I had wished to do several times but lacked the courage to commit. I covered my mouth with my left hand, while the thumb of my right hand started to nervously stroke the ring I wore on the pointer finger next to it. I could feel his look over my face, burning as always. I tried to swallow in order to regain some control over my actions, fighting my instinct to just avoid the conversation and run away in tears. 

“I don’t want to fight, I don’t want to fight it, but I will learn to fight, I will learn fight, ’til this pendulum finds equilibrium.”

“N-not your business. It was a mistake.”

“No, it wasn’t. You’re a terrible liar.”

“You don’t know me.”

“But I know that kind of expression! You were ready, you gave up. You were honestly fine with dy-"

“Not another word, Captain. Please. Please.”

My voice broke, but for once I was able to control my tears and I pushed them back, sustaining his gaze with the little pride I still had. How could he understand my feelings from just an expression? How could he be so sure of everything? And mostly, why was he right? He spoke again, now with a calmer tone, but all I wanted to do was going away from there, from him. 

“Stop saying that.”

“Wh-what…?”

“Stop saying ‘please’ that way.”

“Then stop bringing me to plead you every time. I know I have no right to ask you any favors, but since it’s not your business what I want to do with my life or how I feel, you should respect me and my decisions.”

“Slowly, then all at once. The dark clouds depart, and the damage is done.”

As I felt anger consume my insides I noticed how my tone had become harsher. I was hurt because I was being exposed. I walked away from him faster than I could without looking back while thunders started to fill the air, accompanied by the horses’ nervous neighing that resonated all through the vale as the wind started blowing stronger and stronger. The weather seemed to agree with my own emotions, as if I was living proof of what Romantic painters and poets tried to express during their lifetime. My blood was boiling under the skin, making the cold air sting over my wet cheeks. If they were wet because of tears or rain, I couldn't say. I just knew my pressure was rising, deafening every sounds, muffling the voices of my parents until only a ring could occupy my hearing. hoped Sebastian and Mizuki hadn’t heard a word despite the tone I used.

“Like wildfire It starts in my chest The silence grows louder Ringing out in my head I feel the Earth shaking under my feet I feel the pressure building until I can't breathe And it takes everything.”

I went inside my father's car, breathing slowly to gain back control of my emotions. I didn't even realized we were moving until I found myself surrounded by unshaped trees, safely distanced form me by the window shield of the car, running through that forest's road. Slowly, every sound became clearer: my parent's voice, the music on the radio, the car's rumble over the unpaved road. Only one thought occupied my mind until I got back in the safe environment of my room: I couldn't let myself be so touched by the Captain's words and observations skills like this anymore. I had to put more distance.

“So pardon the dust while this all settles in. With a broken heart transformation begins.”

********************************************

May 26, Thursday, 15:23 (present time)

Thinking it back I could’ve lied to him. I could’ve said it was just a bluff, or something similar, but instead I confirmed his own impression. Not that he was wrong to begin with. I started to scrape the skin over my chest lightly but constantly, something I used to do a lot when I was nervous, that was why I was always covered in little marks and spots. Sebastian then took my hand and held it down. 

“You’re in public, A-Li. You shouldn't pick your skin like this.”

He had whispered to my ear but those days I was still upset about my conversation with the Captain to care for my surroundings anymore. Without even noticing, I was about to enter in a church, the closest to my university, just at the end of the road. I honestly had no idea how did I get there, but art was my other saving grace, just as important as music. I guess I was just trying to find comfort during a break between lessons. It was a medieval church, a martyrium, even if not everything about it was original, as a lot of parts were lost during the World War II. I was standing under the portico, looking at the frescos when Sebastian held my hand down. 

“Yes, but there’s no one here.”

“Still, you shouldn’t pick your skin like that, it can leave scars if you’re too insisting. Now, can you tell me what’s going on?”

“It’s nothing.”

“You want to be alone?”

I looked over at him with surprise written all over my face, while still holding his hand. He never suggested to let me be alone when I was far from home, every time it happened it was only because there was no other choice or if I begged for days. Then with a swift move he placed himself behind me, keeping me in place as he held my arm now behind my back. He lowered his face, letting his lips graze above my shoulder.

“…Or do you prefer for me to stay here and take care of you and your mood in such sacred place?”

Shivers went down my spine as I sensed his breath over my neck. I was speechless. Sebastian was really convinced sex was the remedy for every time I felt anxious, and it scared me that for a moment I actually thought about letting him have his way with me right there, but I would never do so in a place I respected that much. I hated even when people got too close to the paintings in a museum without a care in the world, so I would've never accepted. The thrill was good and Sebastian knew how to provoke, but art was more important. Also, I wasn't in the mood. Actually, it had been several days since I last felt in the mood.

“If it wasn’t for the art, maybe I would’ve liked to try the second option, but right now, I really wish to be alone.”

“I knew it.”

He let me go and said he would go back home, and so he did. I took my phone and earphones, but as the screen turned bright, I read the text notice. I felt like the impossible happened. The Captain had just wrote to me two songs' titles without adding anything else. The first song, was the one I quoted in the letter I wrote to him, The Messenger, which probably meant he had found it while listening to my playlist. But it was the second one who made my heart skip a bit. 

It was Sorrow. 

********************************************

Author's note: Hello! To explain the title: this chapter was longer than usual, so I decided to split it in two parts (that's why it says "Part I") where the mood changes from anger to something else you'll discover next week (that's why this first part is "Anger's version"). But that's not all. "Anger" is also the title of another song of the same band (which isn't a band anymore, but a project named Sleeping At Last) and the same album from which "Sorrow" is taken from. Even the mood you'll see in "Part II" will be inspired by another song of that same album which, as you've probably guessed, focus on human emotions. I really recommend to listen to the songs while reading, actually, just listen to the whole album, it is marvelous according to me. Oh and both "Sorrow" and "Anger" lyrics are quoted. I don't know if you enjoyed them, but as soon as I heard/read them I was surprised by how much descriptive they are. The images that were used felt so familiar and...perfect. Okay, now I'm done with complimenting the author. Maybe. Anyway, I'll leave you to the second part of this chapter, thank you for reading!

[nomenomens]

Nomen

Chapter XXVI - The Messenger

TW : suicidal thoughts (more as an explanation of what happened before, not morbid)

WC : around 2800 words

Previous Chapter : One Last Breath

Next Chapter : Sorrow I (Anger's version)

Masterlist

**********************************************

May 11, Wednesday, 8:08 (present time) 

“Roni, sto uscendo. A dopo, cucciola.” (*)

Those were the first words I heard. My mother’s sweet and familiar tone and the same sentence she used whenever she was going to work while I stayed at home. She was aware of the fact that the world could crumble and I would continue to sleep undisturbed, but if just a few words were whispered from two rooms away, I would wake up immediately. It had been that way since I was little. I heard the front door closing and the light scurry of Ted before he jumped and positioned himself on my bed, placing his head on my feet. That was another habit, part of the same routine I lived as Roni, something that now more than ever seemed warm and precious as much as fragile. I opened my eyes and started to scan every detail of what was in front of me. I was lying on my side, something very unusual that explained the pain I was feeling over my left shoulder, and all I could see was the light grey of my room’s wall and something white climbing on my pillow with two big green eyes staring back at me. Even in his snake’s form, his eyes were clear and gentle, at least to me. 

“Mizuki, you know I’m not that fond of snakes. Please, show yourself. And don’t stare at me while I sleep.”

That was the sentence I was going to say, but the sounds that left my lips were harsh wheezes. Suddenly my throat started burning and I remembered everything that happened the night before, accumulating memories as in a flash. It was like observing stills of a cinematic record, a movie I could only remember as short glimpses of scenes in a subjective perspective. I was still alive. I was so ready to give everything up and it just didn't happen. Why? Why was I disappointed to have opened my eyes again when I didn't even allowed myself to think about ending my life before? Would I actually try to do it again? I was scared of my own thoughts, as if I didn't recognize them, as if I never knew they had been there all the time. In the meantime, Mizuki revealed his human form and hugged me, crawling one of his arm under my head and using the other to make my forehead rest on his chest. His smell reassured me and I felt so comfortable in his arms that I started crying, releasing a tension I didn’t even know I had built up in that moment. 

“You really made me worry, Nanami-chan. But you’re okay now, Hange attended you. Don’t worry about your voice, I have prepared a solution you can drink after you get up that will help, and we’ll use make up for the marks that devil left on you. I’m sorry you had to bear it, it’s all my fault. If only-"

As I wasn’t able to speak, I hugged him more, grasping the excess of his clothes’s fabric on his back in my fist and he understood my silent request for not speaking anymore. We stayed like that until I stopped crying, then I got up, took his solution, and as soon as my voice came back, I asked all of my questions. 

“What about Mey-Rin and Finnian?”

“Back at their posts. They’re completely fine.”

“Good. Don’t say a word about this to Sebastian now. Let him finish his mission first.”

“But-"

“No buts. I don’t think Akura-Ou will come back soon since you were able to resist partially to his drug and interrupted him.”

“Interrupted him?”

“Well, he didn’t succeed in killing me, so he has been interrupted. The last thing I remember is a silver light, I think it was your hair…but judging from your current expression…”

“Nanami-chan, I wasn’t the one who saved you.”

I stared at him in confusion. I really assumed his platinum hair would be the silver light I remembered, even if the more I thought about it, the more distant that option get. Even in the moonlight or with the reflection of the lamppost, his hair would shine with a different colour. But then…

“…who did it?”

“Captain Ackerman.” 

My mind went blank. Why? How? I was about to assault Mizuki with questions when a knock to the main door made my head turn in direction of that sound. Mizuki got up from his seat while I stayed put in my chair, where I was still having breakfast, and opened the door for me. Along with the morning sun, a smiling Commander entered and spoke to Mizuki. 

“Have you finished crying? I told you she’ll be- oh, Nanami, I didn’t noticed you there. How do you feel? Can you talk?” 

“I’m fine, thanks Commander. Mizuki told me you attended me so let me thank you for that.”

“Not a thing, you were fine from the beginning thanks to Levi’s sharp instinct. He couldn’t come with me because…well…he’s resting, but I’m sure he would be glad to know you’re good.”

He wasn’t going to visit then, but I wasn’t expecting him to do so. I smiled at the Commander. 

“Then please, refer to him my deepest gratitude. I’m indebted to him, and all of you to be fair. The way you acted to protect me wasn’t taken for granted, but I would refrain you to do it again in the future. Mizuki wasn’t in the position to ask for your help and put you in danger for my personal issues.”

“As our ally…”

“Still, I insist. I will be forever grateful for your help, but I won’t allow you to be so generous again. You have higher goals to achieve than help an ally. You should take care of yourselves more.”

“Sweet words with an hard tone. That’s familiar. Then I’ll go back to the villa.”

As she grabbed the knob of the door, I felt the urgency to stop her. 

“Commander! Hange…I…really am grateful.”

“I know, Nanami. But believe me when I say this: if you have allies you can trust, let them help. No one can do it alone, it’s all in the team-working. We’ve all learned it the hard way. I know you wanted to protect us in some way, but without you here, we’ll also have problems since now we’re in business with you.”

We both smiled at each other, and then she left. I looked back at Mizuki. 

“Still, don’t involve them anymore.”

“That’s right, you shouldn’t rely on others, unless you’re incompetent.”

Sebastian’s voice send a shiver down my spine, as it always did whenever I wasn’t expecting him to be beside me. 

“When did you come back?”

“Just now. So, who made those marks around your neck?”

“Shouldn’t you check first if I’m all right?”

“You’re speaking to me, A-Li, that means my dinner isn’t spoiled.”

Sebastian came close to me and stared at the signs around my neck, tracing the profile of my chin to lift my face and observe better my ruined skin. I could feel his gaze burning just as much as the one Mizuki reserved to him. I blocked Sebastian hand on my face and turn to Mizuki, asking him to leave, which he did after throwing the usual tantrum for a few minutes. As soon as we were left alone, Sebastian resumed his close inspection of my marks. 

“What were you thinking, A-Li?”

“What do you mean?”

“You didn’t evoke me in a clear situation of danger. Akura-Ou is just a weak human, but still it seemed he was close enough to his objective this time. You know I won’t tolerate you throwing your life away, we have a deal.”

“I...I was just surprised and I wasn’t thinking clearly. Even so, Akura-Ou said the mark you gave me is fake, maybe I did evoke you but it didn’t work.”

“Hm. He clearly said that to deceive you.”

“Yes, I know. I am your Lady and you’re my demon. I was just…overwhelmed. I wasn’t thinking of evoking you.”

I lied. Strangely, that remark Akura-Ou made about my moon mark was stuck in my head, but right now I only wanted to end that uncomfortable conversation. Sebastian shouldn’t know about my last words and how willing I was to give up my fight. I let him grab my chin to lower my face, establishing eye contact for him to freely scan through my emotions. As I lowered my gaze to his lips he scoffed. 

“What, you want to be kissed and reassured?”

I nodded as he traced his thumb along my lips, slightly opening them as he moved towards the left angle of my mouth, disfiguring my expression. He used his other hand to grab my side and close the gap between us as I placed my hands behind his neck to steal a kiss from him. Neither of the following kisses were stolen though. I just hoped I found a way to distract him from wondering about my intentions of last night. 

***********************************************************

I knew Akura-Ou used to be a kind of demon, a yōkai like Mizuki and Tomoe were, but I didn’t think he could still sense the presence of a different demonic power, or the lack of it. I had to be even more careful. Her kiss gave me the opportunity to end that discussion, but it also made me wonder if she wanted to avoid other questions too. She had almost been killed not even twelve hours ago, was she really in the mood for sex already? In any case, I let her do whatever she wanted, since it also favored my situation. I couldn’t let her know the truth about the mark. Since we never had a proper contract between us, I didn’t care about lying to her, but still, the promise I made to her brother still bounded me to treat her in a certain way. Unexpectedly though, it seemed like she also wanted to hide something, since rushing into sex when she had barely recovered from last night incident, without even asking about my mission, was suspicious. I needed to investigate, starting with someone who would answer to my questions honestly and was present during the incident: Akura-Ou himself. I already knew where to find him. 

“So, you’re telling me she wasn’t lying? You are going to eat her soul and that the mark wasn’t fake?”

“Exactly.”

“So I was wrong and I can’t kill her.”

“Not for the time being. You can get your chance only after I consume her brother’s soul. She is desperately trying to revive him, but alas, he never will. I’ll make sure to devour his soul and then devour her too, but if you’ll be swift enough you can kill her for me when the time comes.”

“Yeah, if she doesn’t die before that.”

“What do you mean?”

“Nothing. Why? Don’t you know everything about your Lady and Mistress?”

“I do. My Lady has her mission and we share a contract, so if you won’t-"

“There’s no need to make threats, Sebastian. You know very well that I’m just a frail human being for now. All right, I’ll step back for the time being. Seems like I should prepare myself better for the future. Just know this: I know you’re lying. I’m not going to tell her that mark is fake now, only because I will reveal that to her later, after I’ll take back my body and powers and I’ll snatch her from you under your nose. I’ll torture her until she’ll beg me to make the pain stop. Only then she’ll know everything you told her was a lie.” 

“That is, only if you can, Akura-Ou.”

“I guess we’ll see, demon.”

***********************************************************

May 13, Friday, 14:47 (present time)

“Why don’t you check on her directly, Levi?”

“There’s no need, Hange. She was fine when you visited her and you said she is grateful for my intervention, which means she’s well enough.”

“I think she would like to thank you in person.”

“Then she’ll come here when she sees it fit.”

“You know, you don’t have to be this much emotional constipated. I’m not telling you to go there with flowers or be worried as Mizuki was.”

“Thank heavens.”

“…I mean, you could just act nice to our ally.”

“You did the honors already.”

“You’re a terrible diplomat.”

“That’s exactly why Erwin chose you as the Commander.”

It was rare for me to speak his name out loud, something Hange knew very well. My chest always tightened until I couldn’t breathe whenever I thought of him, even after years had passed. I didn’t have any regrets about what I did, someone had to think of him as a human being instead of a monster, but those thoughts didn’t made it easier to remember him. Before Hange could say something, a knock on the door of the studio at the villa made us shift our focus. 

“Yes?”

“It’s Mey-Rin.”

“Come in.”

That maid always looked funny, but one night I was able to witness her true talent as a sniper, and from that moment I found a new respect for her. That trembling girl, who tried to hidden herself behind those thick glasses was more dangerous than most of the recruits I used to know from the Survey Corps. To be fair, she was ever more dangerous than most of the thugs in the Underground. She entered the door and came close to me, something I didn’t expect, since she only spoke to Hange. She handed me a small bag. 

“M-my Lady said to deliver this to you, C-captain.”

“Thank you.”

She quickly went back, closing the door behind her, and in that moment Hange moved from her seat and placed a hand over my shoulder. 

“At least she’s good at diplomacy.”

I wanted to say more, but she was already gone, leaving me alone in that big bright room. I went out on the terrace and put the bag on the coffee-table in front of me as I seated on one of the chair placed outside. The warm of spring was already shifting towards the summer’s heat, but since I left the Underground, I couldn’t ignore the bliss of feeling that warmth all over my skin. A last thought of Erwin crossed my mind as I remembered the day of our first expedition when I decided I would follow him; the sky that day was as bright as the one above me today was. I passed my hand all over my face, as to shrug away those memories ad regain control before the bag. There was an envelop and a small box inside. I traced the profile of the name written on the back of the letter, addressed to “Captain Levi Ackerman”. It sounded so official that if it wasn’t for Mey-Rin telling me it was from the Miss, I would think it came directly from the Government in Paradis. Her calligraphy was clearer than I would’ve imagined, but still denoted a certain childish look. I opened the letter and read the content. 

“Captain Ackerman, 

forgive me for not giving this present in person, but I’m afraid I would be too embarrassed to do so. Perhaps I shouldn’t tell you this, but you’re too sharp not to notice that I don’t like being seen helpless, even if that’s the only side of me you have known. But I’m not here to write about me. 

I’m writing this to thank you for saving me that night, I owe you my life. I wanted to show you my gratitude, but then I realized I don’t know anything about you, nor I wish to intrude and ask about your preferences, since it’s not my place to even know them. This is why I resorted to the two topics we have discussed about. I thought of two presents, one of them I know you’ll appreciate, and the other one is just suggestion based on my own preference which I hope you’ll like as well. 

First, next Sunday, I’ll have to go to the bigger stables, near the woods. I wanted to show them to you, in case you would like to ride in a bigger and maybe more familiar place. Of course, you’re not obligated to accept to come with me, but I really think you could like that place, and if you actually will like it, I’ll give those stables and the near land to you. You can do with it whatever you prefer. Those stables were a property of my brother, but I’m not so good with horses, that is why I hope you will enjoy it more than I can. Also, I hope that if you ever need a place to go to outside of Paradis, you could think about those stables as home. At least while you're forced to stay here. 

The second present is within the box. It’s my old music player. I added some new songs, but you’ll mostly found old ones I used to relate with a lot. I hope you’ll accept to listen to some of them to find a different way to express your feelings. As someone said: ‘when words fail, music speaks’ or something like that. I don’t know if you’ll like music, or if you’ll develop different tastes from mine, or if you’ll never turn that player on, but still I wanted to suggest you a way to feel some kind of relief, and music is the only method I know.

"This melody will always bring you right back home."

This song I quoted is so important to me, especially right now, but I decided to write only these words because they summarize what music does for me. Music gave a home, and it brings me back to it every time I'm lost. Maybe you don't need any of this at all but all I want to do is give you something you can enjoy while you're stuck here as a way to thank you and to apologize. I wanted to do this in person but I still haven't found the nerve to talk to you and so I'm trying to say it without speaking out loud. I think I had already promised you a playlist anyway, so think of this as the fulfillment of a promise. One last thing: if you’ll accept the gifts, just tell Mey-Rin. I’ll wait for your answer, hoping to see you next week. 

With gratitude, 

Nanami Miss.”

I was shocked through most of the letter. Giving me a stable was absurd, something so unusual and weird that I couldn’t help but smile, which I did again after reading how she had signed herself. I placed my hand over my eyes and reclined my head, letting it rest on the edge of the chair I was sitting on and before I could realize it, I was really giggling out loud, not only in my head. I wasn’t one to analyze my feelings, but I couldn’t help but wonder how much time had passed since I had genuinely felt like this. I re-read the letter and one word stuck inside my head for the rest of the day. “Home.” She wanted to give me a refuge, a home, in her unfamiliar and stranger world. 

Why?

And why her words were warming my bones more than the sun over my head? 

***********************************************************

Author's note: Hello! First of all, I hope you're well. These chapters may have a deeper and more dramatic ton, I know, but this wasn't a romantic comedy to begin with, even if sometimes it may strike more as a telenovela (but we all know that telenovelas face serious themes too). Mention of honor goes to the song in the title. It's an old song belonging to Linkin Park and I truly recommend it. i decided to include only few words, but the lyrics overall are truly precious. Anyway, I hope you like the way this story is growing and developing. I hope you've enjoyed this chapter and mostly, I hope you're all doing fine. Thank you for reading and see you soon!

(*) "Roni, I'm going. See you later, pumpkin." (the literal translation of "cucciola" is actually "puppy", but I think "pumpkin" is a better word to describe the feeling of the sentence)

[nomenomens]

Nomen

Chapter XXV - One Last Breath

TW : suicidal thoughts (not too morbid, but they're there)

WC : around 3000 words

Previous Chapter : I Can't Make You Love Me

Next Chapter : The Messenger

Masterlist

************************************************

May 10, Tuesday, 19:50 (present time)

“Who was it?”

“Just another call center, Dad. Don’t worry.”

I lied. Again. But I had to find a quick excuse to make sense of the fact that as soon as I picked up the phone I hung up without saying a word. I immediately texted the same number, now certain of who I was speaking with. I had heard his voice just a few times, but I couldn’t forget it. My text was confused but I guess he understood what I wrote and was willing enough to agree, since his answer to my request to meet and not hurting anyone before we talked about things he didn't know was a simple “Deal” and so, with the excuse of going to the bathroom, I called the Captain, whose number I had obtained just a few minutes earlier, before going into my father’s office. He answered almost immediately, and I jumped at the sound of his voice, almost as if I didn’t expect him to do so. 

“Miss?”

I panicked for a moment. I was scared and I felt guilty for reasons I couldn’t even name. I tried to rub my thumb along the ring I always wore on my right index, Cesare’s gift, to ground me. His voice resumed, making me realize I didn’t even answer him. 

“Miss? Is there a problem?”

“N-no, I’m fine. S-sorry. I just wanted to tell you…”

Silence fell again. I tried to swallow the knot in my throat, now heavier than before. I tried to reassure my fast beating heart by patting my free right hand over my heart. I failed miserably, but at least I was able to spoke again, this time without stuttering as much. 

“…you can go. I spoke with Mizuki and now there’s no need for you to stay alert. Go back before me, I’ll be fine.”

“Commander Hange didn’t-“

“You can tell the Commander I had disposed this way myself.”

“I don’t answer to your orders.”

I wanted to answer with a clever comeback, telling him it was my life and my responsibility and that Mizuki had no right to ask for their help to begin with, but I just felt powerless, exhausted, and so the only words that slipped through my lips was a simple request.

“Please. Please.”

I thanked whatever supernatural force existing for the fact he couldn’t see my face right now. He had already seen me at my worst, two times, but I couldn’t bear to let him see me a third time crumpling, especially because I had a feeling he would’ve see easily through my bluff. I could hear him sighing while reflecting. After a few seconds he spoke again. 

“Fine. We’ll go back now. We already know the road you’ll take and so we’ll follow that itinerary and if we spot something different, we’ll intervene.”

“How do you know my itinerary?”

“Sebastian left some of your usual pattern to Mizuki and to Hange too, in case Mizuki would prove "unavailable", to quote him.”

For once, the lack of trust Sebastian held towards Mizuki had been proven useful. I could’ve told the Captain that there was no reason to do so since my current enemy wouldn’t just put traps on the road, or something similar, but I was aware he wouldn’t just ignore Hange’s orders completely. We both had to compromise. 

“All right. Thank you and…I’m sorry for the trouble.”

“Don’t be.” 

He hung up.

************************************************

May 11, Wednesday, 00:24 (present time)

I went out on the terrace but there was no one else beside me. I put my hands on the railing and inspired deeply. The night smelled like spring, probably thanks to the jasmine and wisterias growing in the neighborhood. It was still a little chilly and for a second I regretted not picking my light scarf to cover my shoulders, but as soon as I finished that thought, I heard someone’s steps behind me. I turned around and the figure, now in front of me, put his right hand on my neck. His grip wasn’t too tight, but his glaring eyes were threatening enough to make me lose my balance and lean dangerously against the railing, with the upper half of my body slightly hanging from the terrace. He immediately opened his mouth. 

“So, what should I know before letting you fall and make it look like a suicide?”

“You know I probably wouldn’t die falling from the second floor.”

“You know I can make sure you do.” 

His smile was evil, but I couldn’t bring myself to hate him. Akura-Ou used to be Tomoe’s best friend, they were both yōkai, and my existence broke that friendship, at least from the perspective of the man who was now in front of me. Akura-Ou sure loved Tomoe, probably even more than just as friends, but I had never dared to ask, and after I failed to save the man I loved, the other swore to kill me, since he couldn’t gain his revenge against Tomoe. Or maybe, Akura-Ou was simply hurt by Tomoe’s death, and he needed to do something about that pain. He was too weak at that time to carry his promise, since he had taken a fragile human’s body, but there was a time when I had even prayed for him to come back and put an end to my aches. This time though, there was too much on my plate for just agreeing with him and let him do what he wanted, so I answered back. 

“I know but if you can wait-“

His grip tightened, and I started to feel every finger of his pressing the sides of my throat. His expression was now bored. 

“If you lied to me to gain a few more moments of your life…”

“I’m not lying.”

Looking carefully into my eyes, as to detect any sign of dishonesty, he lightened his grip and I felt my blood rushing to recuperate more and more oxygen. 

“First of all, where is Mizuki? And Mey-Rin and Finnian?”

“I have no idea.”

“What do you mean?”

“Actually, the maid and the boy are both sleeping in their rooms. The drug I used will cease its effect in a few hours. The Snake escaped though. I think he succeeded in transforming into a snake after your text and it’s been a while since I last saw him. I used the drug on him too, but it seems like it was less effective. If I still had my body and my powers… By the way, shouldn’t you have a brother? I had prepared a drug for him too, but I didn’t see him or his shadow, for that matters.” 

“If you hurt even one of them-“

He squeezed again his fingers around my neck and now his face was just a few inches from mine before he whispered, never stopping from looking into my eyes. 

“Did you forget what I’m about to do? You’re in no position of making threats here. Now, speak.”

I decided to put away my worries for Mizuki, Mey-Rin and Finnian for a while and started to explain with a faint voice. I hoped he wasn’t lying and that Mizuki was just asleep somewhere safe.

“My brother is dead and Sebastian, the shadow, as you called him, is away now, but what I have to say regards him too.”

“Why should I listen to something concerning him?”

“Because he’s not human, h-he’s like you.” 

As I started to cough, I moved my hands onto his to make him loose his grip around my neck, his eyes widened, showing his surprise to my words. He let me go, and I dropped to my knees, coughing to catch my breath. He crouched down and demanded an explanation, which I provided, while he listened in silence. After a few moments to recollect his thoughts, he spoke again. 

“So, you’re telling me I can’t kill you because you’re the property of another demon which I won’t be able to beat since now I have this lowly human body? Do you think I’m a fool?”

He never shouted, which made his words sound even more dangerous. He slammed his hand on the railing behind me, making me jump before answering.

“I’m not lying. Look at my arm, I have his mark.”

“Mark? This is a normal tattoo. I can’t sense any power coming from it. Do you really think I lost every ability of mine when I entered this body? I can still sense a lie when I see one, and I can still sense power, so I know for certain you’re making fun of me. But that’s the last thing you’ll do.”

He brought his hands again on my neck and I couldn’t avoid being caged again by him. If it was a matter of couldn’t or wouldn’t, wasn’t clear to me. I tried to struggle and scratch his hands, I even tried to kick him away, but in the back of my mind I knew I wasn’t trying hard enough. I could’ve evoked Sebastian with the mark, but I didn’t. Instead I closed my eyes and I started to relax my body, stopping every attempt to fight back and waiting for my suffering to end. I was confused by my own contradictory actions. In those moments, a lot of things passed through my mind, but the one that scared me the most was the fact that I wouldn’t be able to bring back my brother and there was no guarantee of sharing my afterlife, if there even was one, with him. But I had no guarantee to succeed anyway, so why was I so determined? Why fight? What for? And what if my brother would have no intention to come back to me? What if I was only pursuing a selfish need to have him in my life, trampling on his wishes? Selfish. I was really selfish. Not only with him, but with everyone in my life. I didn't deserve an ounce of the love my parents, my friends, Mizuki and the others provided to me. I only ever thought about my feelings while shutting everyone away from me. They didn't deserve this treatment. They didn't deserve...I didn't deserve them. I didn't deserve their love. Their love had always  weighed on my chest, as if I knew I had to compensate it by meeting their expectations, something I was never good at, no matter how perfect I tried to behave. I remembered every look pointed at me whenever I did something wrong and the sense of guilt pressed on my throat more than the hands of the man in front of me did. I wanted to escape those familiar and painful feelings and there was only one thing I could do.

I gave up.

Suddenly, I felt free. Every worry slipped away, and all I could feel was relief. No trace of guilt present anymore. I was free. My sight was now blurred by a veil of tears, and I felt my lungs stinging as Akura-Ou pressed with even more strength his fingers around my neck. Ironically, again at weirdest of times, I remembered something I had casually listened to years ago. 

"Please come now, I think I'm falling, I'm holding on to all I think is safe, it seems I found the road to nowhere and I'm trying to escape. I yelled back when I heard thunder but I'm down to one last breath, and with it let me say, let me say..."

I couldn’t remember all of the lyrics, but I knew for sure that what I wanted to say now weren’t the song’s correct words. I let my hands fall, as I started to feel my head dizzy but my mouth moved according to my will one last time to tell him my final words, smiling. I wasn’t certain if my voice was audible, my ears weren’t exactly intercepting any clear sound if not a deafening ringing, but I was sure his eyes widened, even if my vision wasn’t clear as my eyes were slowly closing. All I could see from under my lashes now was a glimpse of light, a silver ray of light, so beautiful and captivating that I swear I tried to move my hands towards it, a futile attempt to reach it before darkness overtook every sense. 

Something was off. Why was she asking us to go away so suddenly? Was Mizuki only being paranoid when he begged Hange to help her? Her voice resonated through my mind like an echo. 

“Please. Please.”

Since she wasn’t exactly our responsibility, Finally I agreed to go back with the squad and I wasn’t exactly surprised when no enemy showed up. She was right, everything seemed fine. But then, why her “Please” sounded so desperate? 

“Captain, is it strange that we haven’t found anything suspicious? Hange was sure Mizuki wasn’t exaggerating.”

Jean Kirschtein was sharper than I thought. I had realized that some time ago, but I was still surprised every time he proved it. I honestly didn’t have an answer to his question. 

“She spoke like everything was settled, but I honestly have my doubts. Maybe Hange can explain better to us.”

When we reached the villa, everything was quiet. Hange said the maid, Mey-Rin, had left a note saying she had to take care of something with Mizuki, so she wasn’t available for us. Mey-Rin had been our attendant since we arrived, but she never left a note for when she was needed elsewhere. It was suspicious, but at the end we didn’t have any tangible proof that something was wrong. Hange also said Mizuki texted her that everything was fine in the end, thanked her and apologized for the trouble. That wasn’t weird, Hange and Mizuki took a liking towards each other, both nerds and curious as hell, unable to keep a proper behaviour in a normal society. There was something weird about him, but I couldn’t figure out what it was precisely. In any case, her voice still occupied a part of my brain, unable to settle on the fact that whatever enemy of her appeared wasn’t a threat anymore. Mizuki had been extremely vague on the enemy’s identity with Hange, saying only he was someone dangerous that wanted her dead for a past issue between them. I didn’t want to go, but Hange decided to put me on the mission since I was the one she was more familiar with. The shit I had to put up with when Connie revealed he saw me pushing her to lean against the car the day that Albert showed up, was beyond annoying. That brat was wrong, but it was true my instinct made me move to protect her. I would be caught dead before admitting I was almost worried that day. In my defense, it wasn’t normal to follow someone from a distance, as it wasn’t normal to lay over the stirring wheel in that way. Memories of her strange behaviours passed through my mind along with her voice. 

“Please. Please.”

Something was off, and I had to check on her. It’s not like I was going to sleep anyway. 

When I arrived on her roof, my intention was just to make sure she was alive, or to confirm that Mizuki or Mey-Rin were guarding her place. To be quicker, I used my tridimensional maneuver to reach her apartment, but I wasn’t expecting to see her sitting on the terrace, back leaned against the railing and a man on his knees choking her. I was right, something was off. But then, why was I just staring at the whole scene without interfering? Why wasn’t I stopping that man and saving her? I noticed her hands falling off from the grip the man held on her neck. I was close enough to read her lips, and the two words she must’ve whispered along with the faint smile she made after, made my mind went blank. I wouldn’t allow anyone else to make that expression in front of me ever again. Those words and that expression were still haunting me, even if years had passed since… 

My body finally reacted as I jumped and reached the man, pointing one of my sword against his throat and the other one over his arms. 

“You should keep your hands to yourself if you don’t want to lose them.”

He started laughing. I looked over at her and all I could see was her pointer finger twitching forward, before falling again on her lap, while her head fell against the railing, producing a muffled thump. At the same moment, the man moved his hands, got up and spoke to me, while running his finger along the flat side of the sword, still pointed at his throat. 

“Couldn’t you have waited for another minute? I saw your shadow, so I know you hesitated before interrupting me. Seems like I have to wait some more before killing her. I don’t know how, but there’s always someone trying to help her. Why do you lot even protect her? She isn’t worth it, trust me. Anyway, see you.”

“What makes you think you can go away like that?”

“The fact that at the end you wanted to save her, now she’s not breathing properly and you’re alone here. Every seconds you waste on me, takes her farther away from life. I don’t think you want her on your conscience. Tell her I’ll come back as soon as my new shikigami will be ready or notify me if you fail to save her. She has my number, you can contact me though that.”

He was still speaking when I picked her in my arms and took her in her room. As soon as I placed her on her bed, I checked her pulse and breathing, noticing it was faint, but still there. I patted her face trying to wake her up while trying to call Hange, since she was the closest thing I knew to a physician. That man tricked me, but when I went back on the terrace he was already gone. Was he really human? I briefly checked the surroundings and found no trace of him. In that moment, Hange called back but before I could spat bad words at her for not answering, she informed me she had found a white snake in the villa’s garden and was attending to it before he revealed himself as Mizuki. I didn’t know how to react. I had barely wrapped up my mind about the titans being originally human being, I wasn’t ready to picture humans transforming into snakes. After I told Hange about her conditions, she asked me to stay vigilant for a while and so I did. I turned the chair slotted against the desk in her room and looked at her face for an hour or two, checking her pulse and breathing from time to time. She slowly started to regain her colour. I moved the hair away from her face and looked at her serene expression. Usually I avoided every kind of association with Erwin, but in that moment, when she gave up and said those words to that man, the same ones Erwin reserved to me that damned day, I felt that pain swallow me up again. Sounds of steps brought me back from the pit of my own thoughts and I realized I was still tracing the side of her face, even if I had already moved her hair. I retracted my hand quickly before Mizuki broke from the window, still open, and launched himself over her, crying and bawling like she was really dead. 

“She’s fine, there’s no need to-“

Hange, that had just entered along with Mizuki, placed her hand over my shoulder to shush me, like I was an annoying old man not able to understand the boy’s feelings. With a swift move, Mizuki placed her on his lap, making her back lean on his chest and covering the crown of her head with pecks alternated with caresses. I found myself thinking two different things at the same time. First, I was probably witnessing an harassment and second, it was nice to see he had someone to care about…

…he was lucky.

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Author's note: Hello again! I hope you understood the spiral of thoughts I imagined for our protagonist. Sometimes it can happen, even if you don't constantly think about suicide, when you find yourself in danger you understand how charming the option of letting everything go and stop the pain is. But at the end of the day, it isn't charming, it's not even an answer. So, if you ever feel that way, remember to ask for help. A parent, a sibling, a friend, a psychologist, sometimes even a reliable stranger can help. No one can do it alone and no one is alone, to quote a really famous song in 'Into The Woods'. It is okay to feel down, to acknowledge what is wrong and why, and if you don't know how ho handle the emotions it's okay too, but therapy can help you. To understand is a first step to heal, that's why asking for help before the spiral of thoughts gets in the middle is important. And if you're near someone that needs help, just know that even showing a shoulder to cry on is more than enough. On a lighter note, the song is originally performed by Creed and this time I preferred to write the chapters with no peculiar song in mind and search later some who would reason with what I wished to express. I didn't know this song before finding it randomly, but I thought it had a delicate way to ask for help, and so I found the way to adapt Roni's thoughts to those lyrics. Now, I've probably said too much, so thank you for reading and see you soon, but more than anything, I hope you're doing well.

[nomenomens]

Nomen

Chapter XXIV - I Can't Make You Love Me

TW : none for now, but please check 'About Nomen' for more informations

WC : around 3100 words

Previous Chapter : Separate Lives

Next Chapter : One Last Breath

Masterlist

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May 10, Tuesday, 18:57 (present time)

As soon as Albert finished his speech about what he knew about my brothers, I called Sebastian and Hanguang-jun. It was surreal to listen to them compare informations and trace back their memories of my brothers, mostly because it was like hearing about complete strangers, a fact that was real about only one of them. Even Albert wasn’t the Albert I used to know: the politeness that filled the words he reserved to Hanguang-jun over the phone was completely out of character. Anyway, their memories and information seemed to match completely, but I wasn’t worried about Albert’s honesty. His eyes were different now, they were gentler, and even if I had told myself to never trust him again, the fact that Hanguang-jun confirmed his every words reassured me. It seemed like Mo Xuanyu was at the centre of a scandal in which the Jin’s clan, Albert’s clan, was involved. Even so, no one knew where he was at the moment. I was sure that he had already tried the spell and failed since my brother’s soul wasn’t complete. Sebastian had tried to convince me that even if that spell failed, we would find Mo Xuanyu and successfully bring Cesare back, but I was scared. Seeing Hanguang-jun so worried made me doubt of any possible favorable outcome of this entangled situation, but in any case, there was nothing else to be done. Hanguang-jun went back to China, alone this time, promising he would continue his search and give us periodically reports. After a few days, Albert and Sebastian went in search of Jiang Cheng starting in Berlin, were he was seen for the last time. Albert said that a few weeks after Cesare’s death, Jiang Cheng visited him, visibly troubled, before disappearing. Probably even that trip would’ve been completely useless, but it was our only clue. As a result, I was alone again, left with my own thoughts that completely overlapped my Roni-life. I started to space out more often than before, spending most of the time trying to make sense of what I had learned. Albert’s other identity, Cesare’s character in his adolescence, my other brother’s temperament. Everything was new and confusing, and I only had Mizuki to talk with this about, knowing very well he couldn’t have the answers to all the questions that were roaming in my head. Even so, he was kind and willing to hear every nocturnal vent of mine, and I couldn’t be more grateful to Sebastian for bringing him back to me. 

While I was trying to reorganize my thoughts, I had suspended every other question, that meant I blocked every subconscious attempt organized by my mind to shift the focus on the Captain. This wasn’t the time to worry about someone who would’ve never looked at me and with whom there wouldn’t be any future. I needed to eliminate every possible thought of him, I needed to be resolute and push him away. I had successfully hid from him for days, forcing myself to not look for him in the stables that ran along the road I took every morning. That is why when I found him outside my class that day, it took more than minute to recover. 

I had just finished my lesson and it was time to take the underground and reach my father’s office and then go home together. Since Sebastian was away and Mizuki still wasn’t completely merged with humans, I became accustomed to go to college by myself. It was actually refreshing, and for those few hours I felt in control of an ordinary college experience I could conduct simply as Roni. As I collected my items displayed on the desk, I felt a chill run along my spine, but I didn’t care for it until, as soon as I stepped out from the class I noticed him, standing on the opposite wall, in front of me, with a disgusted expression on his face as he glared around to the other students walking by. I stayed on the door for a few seconds before someone bumped into me from behind to exit the class and saying something I couldn’t catch out loud, probably some kind of swearing. Only then I saw him approach to me and spoke. 

“Oi. Oi! Snap out of it. Are you so shocked to see me? Didn’t Mizuki tell you?”

My eyes perceived a movement behind him and my body acted instinctively by brushing my fingers against his arm and signaling him to step to the side with me, finally freeing the passage for those who needed to exit or enter the classroom. Without saying a word, I started walking in direction of the building’s exit, confident of the fact he would follow me. There weren’t so many students as it was a late hour for lessons, so I knew he wouldn’t get lost. While I walked with an accelerate step, I could hear him calling me with his signature “Oi”, but I decided to ignore it until we were alone and we could’ve talked freely. As soon as we reached a safe point I stopped. 

“What the hell are you doing ignoring me and walking away like that?”

“I’m sorry, Captain. I needed to be sure we were alone. Did something happen? Why are you here?”

“So Mizuki hasn’t said anything?”

“Obviously I have no idea of what is going on. Could you enlighten me?”

“I have to escort you back.”

“Why? I am perfectly capable of coming home by myself as I am doing these days anyway.”

“Mizuki was worried and has begged my squad to intervene.”

“Why not Mey-Rin? Or Finnian?”

“Because with the tridimensional maneuver, in case of emergency, we could help you escape.”

“Escaper from what? Who? You don’t even have the equipment now.”

“I don’t know the name, I didn’t speak with Mizuki, Hange did. And the others have my equipment.”

“So the entire squad is here?”

Captain Ackerman then pointed towards the building around us, and I noticed three shadows moving. I couldn’t pinpoint who they were exactly, but I assumed one of them was Sasha from the way the first figure’s hair moved. I deduced the other two were Connie and Jean.

“So you can’t tell me anything else?”

“No, I am just following Hange’s orders, I don’t know much.”

“For you to come here for me, it must be bad.”

“Mizuki was worried and Hange also seemed troubled.”

“Didn’t you ask for more informations? My safety doesn’t concern you or your squad.”

“I told you already, as our ally, you matter too. Now would you please stop making a fuss and follow me?”

“No, you will follow me, Captain. From a distance. I need to come back home with my dad as I normally do. I am not just your ally, I have a facade to maintain with my parents.”

“I can’t let you walk alone. We are fast to intervene, but if we can’t be seen using the maneuver freely it will be difficult in case someone dangerous approaches.”

“Then walk with me. I won’t move alone, but I have to stick to my routine.”

I had to take some steps before he started to walk beside me and stop staring at me as if I had asked something terrible and unreasonable. Only when I saw his disgusted face while entering the underground I understood why he was so reluctant to follow me. I recalled his days in his Underground I had read about, and his obsession with clean environments. I had practically dragged him to hell without thinking and now I was nervous. Feeling guilty, as soon as we finished the steps that brought us before the turnstile I spoke to him again. 

“I’m sorry. I now realize I was about to make a mistake and bring you in an uncomfortable place to you. You are free to follow me from above with the others or ask another one of them to be here with me.”

“It’s not uncomfortable. It’s disgusting. But I’m more insulted by the thought of you thinking I couldn’t overcome this. Let me just tell the squad to go to the reaching point freely. We’ll see them outside your father’s office.”

“Then please accept this at least.”

I started digging inside my bag until I reached the first aid kit I always brought with me. It was a little red bag with plasters, bandages, some emergency medicines, pads and mask and gloves. I handed him the last two items and he looked at me like I was an alien. 

“What is it Captain?”

“Why…”

“I like to be prepared. You can use it.”

He prepared himself, wearing the gloves ad mask I had handed to him, then followed me. He was like a little kid who had no idea how to move, but then again I reminded myself that this wasn’t his world and he had no idea what it meant to take the underground in a big city at the beginning of the tourist’s season, especially at rush hour. I lead the way and he followed me, always looking for possible threats. I saw the old train approach, but I refused to make him even more miserable. 

“Captain, if that’s okay with you, we’ll take the first new train, it should be here any minute.”

“Does it make a difference? It will still be disgusting.”

“Trust me on this. It does make a difference.”

Again the word “trust” had left my mouth without thinking. I recalled how I had told him that I trusted him and his impassible reaction the night I drove him to the villa after he witnessed my meltdown. I tried to erase that memory from my mind and concentrate on the next new train approaching. The silence that fell after my words was interrupted the metallic voice announcing the next train coming. 

“You can stay behind me, Captain.”

“I have to enter first to control the wagon.”

“All the wagons are connected with the new train. There is no separation, and you can’t scan the entire train.”

“So it was better to take the old train.”

“I was thinking about what your preference might’ve been.”

“My preference is to take you home safely and quit being your babysitter.”

That sounded harsher than it was intended. He was right, I had to set him free from his burdens, not adding myself as one. We continued to look at each other as the train rushed before it stopped and opened its doors. Even if he was able to read my emotions, he never changed his expression, while I felt waves of different feelings crashing and affecting me, forming a knot in my throat. After the alarm of the door opening ended, I signaled him to enter first and he did, before stretching his arm to accompany me inside the wagon. I leaned with the back to the wall that separated the end of the train with the door of the driver, giving the chance to the Captain not to worry about what could’ve happened behind me. He stood before me, letting me see only his back, careful not to touch any surface and glaring at the rest of the people present. 

“I’m sorry, Captain, but I wanted to warn you that two stops from now we’ll arrive at the intersection of the central station. There will be lot of movement and the wagon will fill, I’m afraid you’ll have to change position.”

“All right.”

I rolled until only my right shoulder was leaned on the wall while realizing I had spoken with the Captain without being too much embarrassed and I was secretly proud of me. Maybe my crush was passing. Maybe I was finally moving on from my feelings before hurting myself too much. This very thought melted away the very same moment, two stops later, he placed himself behind me and I could see a glimpse of his serious expression reflected on the glass of the train’s door in front of us, partially hidden by the flood of people searching for a place to position inside the wagon. From that very same reflection, I noticed his face moving and approaching my left ear, and even if his mask prevented me from feeling his breath upon my skin, I could still feel my blood rushing and redden my face. Then he whispered. 

“I can see lots of shady people but no one to worry about. How many stops til we exit?”

“Five. About fifteen minutes.”

“All right. As soon as the train empties, I’ll regain the first position that allows better protection. Then I’ll move in front of you to ensure a safe exit on the platform.”

I merely nodded, too lost in my own thoughts about how much I wanted to be something more for him than someone he had to take care for according to an agreement. I didn’t want to be a nuisance, but that was all I could ever be to him. I lowered my head and stared at my feet until it was time to exit. On the platform, he pointed at the waiting seat and explained his gesture. 

“The squad asked to wait for them as they finish to scan the area outside the station. You can sit, if you don’t mind the filth.”

I was suddenly very tired of standing on my own two feet, so I decided to sit, regardless of what he would’ve thought of me. As soon as I seated, I placed my head between my hands, with the elbows pointed on my knees. My head was pounding and I had recognized my Crimson Illness acting up. Why did I always have to be in these pathetic conditions in front of him? 

“Miss?”

“It’ll pass, j-just…give m-me…”

My head was hurting so much I couldn’t even speak and all I could hear was a deafening ring that made me put my hands on the ears, hoping it would ease the pain. For a few seconds I stayed like that before I felt something grabbing my hands and putting them away. The ring was starting to prevail over any other sounds around me. 

“Miss? Can you hear me? Can you say something?” 

I tried to mumble something reassuring, which I failed. I knew these kind of episodes would happen and all I could do was to wait for them to pass. I tried to open my eyes, which I had previously closed without even noticing, and the blurred face of the Captain was right in front of me, much closer than I would’ve anticipated. I would’ve been embarrassed if I wasn’t on the verge of fainting. I noticed his fingers pressing onto my wrist as Sebastian often did to monitor my pulse. I opened my mouth again. 

“D-don’t f-fret, Capt-tain. O-one minu-te…”

“Is there…something I can do?”

“Jus…W-wait.”

After a while, I raised my head and let it rest on the wall behind me. I started to laugh lightly and I could picture Captain’s surprised expression even before opening my eyes. 

“I’m sorry, Captain, for being a real pain in the ass.”

“Do you feel better?”

As a demonstration I pulled myself up, finally standing, even if I stumbled a bit. 

“You are a pain in the ass, but you scared me.”

“It’s the second time you worry for me, Captain, but you shouldn’t.”

“Third.”

It took me a minute to understand that he was including even that night. 

“The first time doesn’t count, you didn’t know it was me.”

“Still I escorted you back home, why do you think I did that?”

I honestly never tried to analyze his actions of that night, I just thought he wasn’t willing to walk back to the villa at that hour. But I didn’t answer him. I grabbed my bag and moved a few steps before stopping and talking back at him from above my shoulder, never letting our eyes meet. For a brief moment, I conceded my mind to wonder if his actions were truly guided by honest concern towards me. What was I thinking? Why I was hoping he could feel something, anything more than indifference, for me when I knew it was all pointless? 

“I guess now you and your squad will follow me from a distance, since I will be in the car with my dad. After that, I’ll meet Mizuki and understand what is going on. Later I’ll schedule a meeting with Hange and I will tell her to never let your squad interfere again with my protection. You’ll never have to babysit me again.” 

After those words, I resumed my walking and he simply followed me, without saying a word. As we rejoined with the squad on the surface, I went alone into my father’s office to wait for him to finish his work before going home together. I took my seat in the chair used by my uncle, who worked in the same room as my dad but wasn’t in the office that day. I draw a book from my bag, hoping to elude my thoughts and study some more, but instead my head started to fixate on a lyric, as a way to digest what I was feeling. 

“‘Cause I can’t make you love me, if you don’t.”

It was just a sentence, just a few words that were obsessively repeating inside my head like a mantra. I had to let the Captain out of my head. It was clear I was just an annoyance to him, his concern about my condition was only the ghost of his past experiences that had nothing to do with me. The way he looked at me never showed more than duty, no matter how much I wished to look into his gestures. He had just been kind to put up with me, but I couldn’t expect for that kindness to develop. I had to put even more distance between us and made sure we would never cross paths unnecessarily. Tired of overthinking, I grabbed my phone to text Mizuki but as soon as the screen lit up I noticed an unknown number had just started calling. Since the number wasn’t showing, I thought about refusing the call without answering, certain of the fact it would be just another call center, but my fingers reacted differently from what my brain had deliberated and I answered. 

“Pronto?”

“You see, Mizuki? I told you your precious ‘Nanami-chan’ would answer. Hello again, human. I’m here to fulfill my promise to you. When are you coming back?”

My blood froze, immediately recognizing his voice. Now the fact that Mizuki had asked the squad to protect me made sense. Akura-Ou was back and that meant my time was running out.

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Author's note: The angst is arising as the troubles for our Roni are. the song here used is an old classic performed by various artist, I considered the version of Gary Jules and Bonnie Raitt while writing. And so yes, even Akura-Ou is mentioned. In case you don't know him, you'll learn the essentials in the next chapter, for now just know it's...well...a grey character. Anyway, I just wanted to anticipate that his presence will show a side of our protagonist which some of you may not like to read about. I won't be morbid about it, but of course, it's there. It's a reality of her. I'll put a warning when the time comes anyway. As always, thank you for reading and see you soon!

[nomenomens]

Nomen

Chapter XXIII - Separate Lives

TW: none for now, but please check the 'About Nomen' section for more informations

WC: around 2700 words

Previous Chapter : Cardigan

Next Chapter : I Can't Make You Love Me

Masterlist

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Prologue

He brushed my hair with his fingers while my head rested upon his naked chest and all I could feel was happiness. I was barely covered by my dark green cotton nightgown, whose shoulder strap rested lazily on my arm that was placed around his waist. As I hugged him, I traced invisible patterns on his side, feeling his cold skin under my fingertips. I couldn’t stop from asking myself how did we menage to get here like this, how could I let this happen. I wasn’t regretting it, but I was certain I would blame myself for it at some point, even if all I was feeling in that moment was pure bliss. My eyes were closed as I tried assimilate all of him: his scent, the beating of his heart against my ear, his surprisingly soft touch. I had to face the consequences of my reckless acts and end it all, before it would be too late. I reluctantly opened my eyes and looked up at his marvelous features. He really was sculpted by the angels. I scanned through his expression and he tenderly smiled at me before talking, never stopping to run his fingers through my hair. 

“What are you doing?”

“Searching for a hint of regret in your expression, so I can let this go.”

“Well? Have you found it?”

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Some months before, May 1, Sunday, 21:57 (present time) 

Captain Ackerman left as soon as I finished the presentation, but the expression on his face didn’t seem to be affected that much by my revelation. Sure, we hadn’t talked much, but a part of me was still hoping for a reaction from him. Rationally there were no reasons why he should have one, but it was already clear how I stopped working as a proper functional human being when he was involved. I was still looking at his back when Albert decided to interrupt the awkward silence between us. 

“So I guess he is the reason why you let me come closer now.”

“What do you mean?”

“You like someone else and so you’re not bothered with my presence anymore. Too bad we should already be married.”

“I told you already, I should be the one to propose and I won’t, even if our marriage was planned by our families, I won’t marry you.”

“I told you, it was a mistake.”

“No it wasn’t. Why can’t you admit it? You love her, so go be with her! I don’t want to meddle with both of you and I won’t follow that file anymore.”

“I don’t love her, not anymore.”

“I don’t believe you. You’re just trying to do the right thing according to the files by reconciling with me, but there’s no need to. You’re free, Albert. Go live your life. Please.”

I didn’t realize how close he got to me until his hands tried to grab my shoulders, but I intercepted his intentions and blocked his movements with my words. 

“Don’t touch me.”

“Sorry.”

He took a step back and then I noticed Finnian approaching from the other side of the road. As soon as he got to a closer distance I spoke again, knowing both of them would be able to hear me. 

“Finnian will now escort you to your old room in the villa. You will find your old things there, untouched. You can stay, but I have a lot of guests and I would prefer if you’d stop to try to convince me to change my mind and just go back home.” 

“At least concede me one coffee.”

I was visibly troubled by his request, mostly because I knew he would’ve tried again to convince me to marry him, but he insisted. 

“Just one coffee. Then I’ll stop. But even if you won’t change your mind, I think we deserve a proper goodbye and not a rushed meeting in the parking lot with Finnian listening to us. Also, if you decided to not straightly refuse my attempts to talk with you, you should listen to what I have to say.”

In a few seconds, all of our good memories passed through my mind. He made me suffer, but before I could realize it, it didn’t matter anymore. Maybe I had never really loved him, I was just trying to convince myself that I could love again after losing Tomoe. At the very least, Albert proved himself to be a good friend when I gave him the chance to do so before our break up. Maybe one coffee wouldn’t hurt. And he was right, if I told Finnian to not block his every attempt to talk anymore, I had to listen to him at least once. 

“One coffee it is. I’ll let you know when and where.”

We awkwardly smiled at each other briefly before going our separate ways. On my way back, while thinking about Albert, for the first time I didn’t ask myself what could’ve been between us if I just played along with the files and asked him to marry me anyway. I made the right choice that night, and now I was actually convinced about it. As I walked away, lyrics of an old song of one of my father’s favourite singers start to play in the back of my head. 

“You have no right to ask me how I feel, you have no right to speak to me so kind. We can't go on just holding on to time now that we're living separate lives.    Well I held on to let you go, and if you lost your love for me, well you never let it show. There was no way to compromise, so now we're living (living) separate lives.”

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Halloween, about six years ago 

“You know, Albert, I was so sure I couldn’t love again after Tomoe, but then you…you…”

All I could hear was the heavy rain clinking on the window shield and my own sobs. I pushed the palm of my hands into my eyes, trying to erase the image of what I had just saw, a memory that my mind was projecting on his own anyway, surpassing my will. 

“Get out of the car.”

“Vic, listen to me pl-“

“Shut up.”

“I told you, there’s nothing between me and Ada anymore, I was-“

“Doing what? Fuck her goodbye? Inside my brother’s villa? In your room? Where we also…”

“It was a mistake.”

“No, Albert. The mistake was mine. I believed you when you said I deserved another love. I believed you when you said there was no one else. I believed you when you said you love…loved me. I am just your betrothed and you…she…”

“Vic, please, listen to me. I do love you now. It took this to realize how much-“

“I won’t listen to another word.”

I gripped the stirring wheel with both hands, tight enough to let my knuckles almost burst from my skin. My sight was still clouded by the heavy tears, still falling without being able to stop. I looked over at him with all the hate I could accumulate within me before spitting my final words. 

“One day I’ll stop resenting you, but even on that day I won’t even consider marrying you. You love her, it’s cl-clear. You never looked at me that way and it’s o-o-okay, I am part of your life only because of a file and our parents’ meddling years ago. I will do what you don’t have the courage to do: I’ll set you free.”

“Victoria…”

“Shut up. Now you will get out of my car, of this city, of my life. Go back to Coburgh or Berlin, I don’t care. I can’t break off the engagement because I don’t want to put anyone I know in danger, but believe me, I’ll never ever marry you and make us both miserable. I hoped I could’ve married my friend and allow myself to fall for you harder than how I was already doing. That was fucking stupid and naive. But it doesn’t matter anymore.”

I lowered my head and he took the occasion for getting close and try to touch me, but then I snapped at him, screaming at him to go away and let me alone. My memories of those moments all blurred with time, but what I couldn’t forget was his expression. He was regretting something, but I wasn’t sure of what. What was his mistake? Conceding Ada some kind of goodbye or coming after me and leaving her alone? Maybe he also didn’t know the answer to that. He silently left the car and stood outside, never letting his eyes wander away from me, as I cried myself to exhaustion, leaning my head onto the stirring wheel. I wanted to drive home, but even those few metres seemed impossible to face. The next thing I knew, Cesare was unfastening my seatbelt, helping me to get out of the car and go home while asking Sebastian to take care of Albert, that was still standing outside the car without saying a word. After I got out of the car, Albert tried to call my name, but the murderous glare Cesare pointed at him was enough to let him stop from doing anything else. I turned away Cesare’s face from Albert and made him look at me. 

“Take me home, Cesare. Let him go.”

With a nod towards Sebastian, as a signal to continue with his duties, Cesare brought me home as I requested, always careful to not let my mom see him, since she was awake and waiting for me to come home from Irene’s Halloween party. After attending that party, I wanted to surprise Albert and stay with him for a while, but what I saw the moment I opened his room’s door wasn’t the image of him reading on his armchair I pictured in my head, as I had always found him during those months we spent together. Instead of a book, he was holding her, and the look on his face was clear enough to make me realize that the silver band I was carrying in my pocket shouldn’t belong to someone who’s heart was already occupied. I wasn’t planning to specifically propose that night, but still I was carrying the ring around. It was a cheap ring, something I had bought for fun, to laugh at together when I would propose to him in a corny way. We had joked a lot about how I was going to do that one day, and I wanted to ironically play by the book and ask him on my knees. It started with a joke, but the more time had passed, the more serious my feelings became. My indifference towards him had grown into a young, free, delicate little love, thanks to his kindness and the respect he had treated me with. To think that all the words he had whispered to me after every moment we had spent together were a lie made me shiver. Cesare noticed that and hugged me in the darkness of my room. 

“You should sleep now. You won’t see him again, I’ll never let him come close to you.”

“I feel so stupid. Whenever we were…he comforted me and…”

“Shhh. It’s all right now.”

“I…I trusted him. I let him…We…”

“What?”

I couldn’t find the words to confess, but my face was explicit enough for Cesare to understand on his own the nature of our relationship. Albert and I started as friends, as he helped me overcome my pain after Tomoe, then one night he kissed me and what happened later involved our bodies more than our minds, until one day he confessed his feelings. I believed him because he seemed sincere at the time, but maybe I was just deluding myself, searching for something that wasn’t there to begin with. Cesare was now fuming. He had never liked Albert, but he also never explained me why, nor did I ask, not even that night. Later Sebastian told me Cesare had known Albert for years, even if just as acquaintances, but never revealed the details. As I cried myself to sleep, Cesare covered the crown of my head in soft kisses, never letting me off his embrace, laying next to me for the following nights, until I felt better. The sentence he used to repeat as a mantra was “Don’t worry, darling, I’ll be here with you and I’ll always love you”. Even if it was an extract of a song he dedicated to me hundred of times, those words were my anchor for that night and the following ones. 

If I had known those would’ve been our last nights together, I would’ve repeated them to him at any possible chance. A few weeks later, that damned winter came and took my brother away from me, and only the record player would repeat those words to me again. 

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May 5, Thursday, 11:17 (present time)  

“Thank you, Vic.”

“We don’t have much time, I have lesson to attend.”

“I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. I wasn’t honest because I was scared. But when I was with her-“

“Albert.”

“Will you ever let me finish?”

“No, I didn’t want to listen to your reasons then, and I don’t want to now. You were right, I don’t care about it anymore because I have moved on, as I suppose you also did.”

“Actually-“

“The situation is still the same, I won’t broke off the engagement because I don’t know what would happen to the people in my life, but you don’t have any obligation towards me.”

“Please listen to me, Vic. I know that what I feel for you is real and not dictated by an irrational fear of the prospect of not respecting the files as you assumed.”

“Albert, please, stop this.”

“No, now you will listen to me. I’m not telling you this to make you forgive me, after six years I know better than to hope you’ll reconsider your feelings, especially if there’s someone else now. But this is not the place to tell you what I have to say. Will you follow me outside?”

His look was determined and caught me by surprise. We were sitting in a busy cafè near my university and I had especially chose this place to avoid meeting him in private. I scratched the back of my head while thinking about what to do when he got up to block my nervous gesture and crouched down. I didn't even notice him rising from his chair, but now his face was slightly below mine and closer than I would’ve wanted. His cologne couldn’t properly cover the smell of smoke, that was as unpleasant as familiar. I guessed he never stopped that nasty habit of his and a part of me was even glad and reassured by that fact.

“I didn’t want to convince you like that, but it seems like I have no choice. What I have to say it has something to do with your brother.”

I grabbed his hand and dragged him outside the cafè. Luckily I had already paid and there was a quiet park around the corner. I never let go of his hand and I heard my heart thump hard against my chest, knowing that the prospect of knowing something related to Cesare was far more important than my pride. I stopped when we arrived at the park, after scanning the area to make sure no one was around. Only when I tried to let go of him I realized how our hands were now intertwined. He squeezed my fingers, preventing us from parting. 

“Albert, let go.”

“Sorry.”

“Speak.”

“Your brother never spoke to you about his time in China, did he?”

My body froze. A thousand questions ran through my mind, but he spoke again without letting me answer.

“From what I can see the answer is that you know something. Well, we met there. I knew him as Wei Ying. And we didn’t get along even there.”

Before he could continue, my mind already made the connection with what I had read, and I was afraid to be right with my assumption. There was no way that could be possible. I could’ve easily ignored one file and postpone our wedding indefinitely, waiting for the day when I would die and no one would be affected, but with two files…what would happen if I continued to ignore him?

“No…”

“And I knew your other brother as a consequence. His name-"

“Jiang Cheng. You know Jiang Cheng?”

“Not well.”

“Where is he?”

“I have no idea, I left a long time ago. My half brother is taking care of things in my clan for me now.”

“No. No. No.”

“You already know my Chinese name then, my other identity?”

“It can’t be.”

“Why not? We should marry anyway. This is just another confirmation.”

My mind was spiraling with details from the Yiling files, trying to find another explanation. In a glimpse of lucidity though, I realized that the most important thing to focus on was to discover as much as possible about Jiang Cheng and Mo Xuanyu. I looked back at Albert and answered, deciding to worry about the consequence of refusing him again another day. Again, Cesare was more important. 

“Nothing will change. They can throw a hundred files at me hinting that we should be together and have a family, and still I won’t marry you and make us both miserable. Not as Albert and Victoria, nor as Jin Zixuan and Jiang Yanli. Even so, I need you to tell me about what you know about my brothers. Now.”

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Author's note: Welcome back! I know, it's been a while, but this time I posted on Ao3 before writing here and I've just finished publishing the second course there. Currently I'm writing the Third and final Course. I think I'll update faster on Ao3 where I'll also publish some bonus chapters later this or next month. The song this chapter is based upon is an old goldie by Phil Collins. Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy the chapter and see you soon!

[nomenomens]

Masterlist

About Me

About 'Nomen'

First Course - completed

I - Open Your Eyes

II - Last Kiss

III - The Reluctant Heroes

IV - The Music Of The Night

V - First Love/Late Spring

VI - Lost It All

VII - Be My Mistake (No. 1 Party Anthem)

VIII - Cesare and Lucrezia's theme

IX - Evermore

X - Don't Worry

XI - Apocalypse

XII - Under The Table

XIII - Moving On

XIV - Lithium

XV - Save Yourself, I'll Hold Them Back

XVI - Visiting Hours

XVII - Against All Odds

XVIII - Avalanche

XIX - Wrecked

XX - Do I Wanna Know?

XXI - National Anthem

XXII - Cardigan

Second Course - completed on Ao3

XXIII - Separate Lives

XXIV - I Can't Make You Love Me

XXV - One Last Breath

XXVI - The Messenger

XXVII - Sorrow I (Anger's version)

XXVIII - Sorrow II (Heart's version)

XXIX - Senza Fiato

XXX - They Don't Know You Like I Do

XXXI - Sweet

XXXII - I Want You To Want Me (Side A - Side B)

XXXIII - Amandoti

XXXIV - How Can You Mend A Broken Heart

XXXV - Still Don't Know My Name

XXXVI - I Wish It Would Rain Down

XXXVII - Jealous

XXXVIII - Il Diario Degli Errori

XXXIX - Call Me Hopeless, Not Romantic

XL - All I Ask

XLI - Glimpse Of Us

XLII - Hold Onto Me

XLIII - White Flag

Third Course - TBA

[nomenomens]

Nomen

Second Course

Aaaand we're back! The Second Course of my Nomen series is already completed on Ao3 (you can read it here) but I'll post the chapters here too as I did with the First Course.

For more informations you can read the About Me and About Nomen section. There are a few changes I made, for instance this story will end in the Third Course with only one ending, but for warnings and TW just know they're still the same.

You can find the Masterlist with the First Course and the complete chapter's list here.

I really hope you'll enjoy this course too!

[nomenomens]

Chapters: 1/? Fandom: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan, Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler, 陈情令 | The Untamed (TV), Kamisama Hajimemashita | Kamisama Kiss, The Borgias (Showtime TV), Akatsuki no Yona | Yona of the Dawn, Victoria (TV) Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply Characters: Levi Ackerman, Sebastian Michaelis, Eren Yeager, Finnian (Kuroshitsuji), Mey-Rin (Kuroshitsuji), Original Female Character(s), Survey Corps Characters (Shingeki no Kyojin), Four Dragon Warriors (Akatsuki no Yona), Mizuki (Kamisama Hajimemashita), Albert of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn, Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī, Lán Yuàn | Lán Sīzhuī Series: Part 2 of Nomen Summary:

"I just wish we would have more time."

Those same few words will come back to haunt whoever has lost someone too soon, and the characters of this story are no exception. The search for one's real identity will pause in front of unnamed feelings, because emotions blur the lines who define who we are. To love is to change as to be loved is to be changed, and if this is true, would you accept love? Would you let yourself be touched by another soul knowing nothing would ever be the same? Would you let yourself be vulnerable? And if you had already done that, would you do it again?

"I didn’t know what it was, I didn’t dare to name it, but I craved for it."

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Hello! So, I’m finally back with this series! The second course will be published on Ao3 first, so I’ll post here the link to read every chapter. Later, I will update this blog too, so you can read it here without changing site. 

I hope you will enjoy this second course too!

Thank you for reading!

[nomenomens]

Nomen

Chapter XXII - Cardigan

CW: none for now, put please check the 'About Nomen' section for more informations

WC: around 3400 words

Previous Chapter : XXI - National Anthem

Next Chapter : I promise the second course will start soon! I will soon update with the new dates here. Thank you for waiting!

Masterlist

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April 28, Thursday, 17:13 (present time)

There was no way Mikage gave his powers back to me using Mizuki as a vessel, knowing I wouldn’t refuse his symbolic kiss, mostly out of guilt. I was opposing to accept this explanation until I’d find a proper reason for it. I had done my duty as a temporary land god, I had failed to save Tomoe and there was no purpose to gave me back those powers. My involvement with that file was extinguished the moment Tomoe exhaled his last breath in my arms, that was when I started to push away all the people I’ve loved and met from that file. Mizuki, Kurama, Mikage and everyone else, I let them go away from me and closed that chapter of my life. It was hurtful, but that’s how I usually deal whenever something bad happens: I close every door, trying to shut away the pain, limiting the grieving part for when I am completely alone and no one can be witness of my meltdown. I was already surprised that Mizuki made his way back to me after hurting him without even giving him a proper goodbye, but now I had even received the land god’s power back from Mikage. Why? Mizuki said that it was only a shared power, as if Mikage gave me a part of his energy as protection, but I was determined to give it back. Unfortunately I couldn’t just go to Japan, as “Roni” it would be impossible to do so, and I knew Mikage well enough to safely say he wouldn’t agree to see me even if I begged him, so I was stuck. I was angry. I couldn’t understand why they still could act behind my back, even if it was to meant to help or protect me. There was nothing I was able to control and decide for myself and they had just confirmed it. It was frustrating. After Mizuki gave me his explanation I just looked at him, not hiding my disappointment but shielding him away from the anger that was accumulating under my skin. I needed to vent out but I was never good at manage anger and so I told him to go back home and leave me alone for the time being. I looked at the time and realized I had about two hours before I had to meet with my dad at the metro station, where he would pick me up to go home together and so I decided to do the only thing I knew would calm me down: walk with the earphones on. 

My feet brought me to the tram station and scrolling through the list of the stations I decided to go to a close church I wanted to see again. As “Roni” I was majoring in art history and, even if I wasn’t catholic, I could not help but to admire what faith inspired artists to do. Paintings, sculptures and architectures that became the means to communicate and reconcile with a God someone devoted his life and faith to. It fascinated me how faith could work on people to the point of make them inspired to create timeless masterpieces. That is, if the artist wasn't working just for money. But I knew this wasn't the only cause, as religion permeated every aspect of life in ancient times, at least until the sixteen century. In the end, whether it was religion, science, love, or something else, we all need something to devote our life to I guess, and I had sincere admiration for those who had chosen a superior celestial entity, for I wasn’t capable of doing so. 

I walked down the aisle letting the dark atmosphere of the mosaic on the apse fill my eyes and ease my mind. It was beautiful, and it was that particular sensation that every form of art raised in me that made me fall in love with art itself. To be able to witness what man could create with the power of their hands, their minds and beliefs through the centuries, was one of the greatest fortune. I took place on the bench to be able to absorb the beauty of the medieval mosaic in front of me and as I stared at the golden tiles reflecting the light of the sunset coming from the oval window at the entrance, I remembered a conversation made some years ago in a church much brighter than the one I entered now. 

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Berlin, Berliner Dom, September, about six years ago

“Are your friends gone?”

“Yes, I told them I would reach them later at the crypt because I wanted to photograph the dome. Still I don’t have much time to spend with you.”

“Don’t worry, I’m not here to interrupt your little vacation. So, what do you think?”

“About the city? It has surprised me, it’s really beautiful and unexpectedly warm, welcomely.”

“No, I meant the church.”

“It’s breathtaking. I saw my fair number of churches and I can safely say this one is really beautiful. The light, the atmosphere…it’s majestic. Fit for royalty.”

“So what if we marry here?”

“You know you can’t propose to me, Albert. History and the files say I should be the one to propose to you.”

“We both know you won’t, Victoria.”

“Never say never.”

“Do I dare to dream?”

“Well, I like you enough to say if I should ever marry someone, I think I could marry someone like you. If you are willing to wait for me, it could happen. And you should stop smoking.”

“I know you actually don't mind that I smoke. And I like you enough to say I can wait for you.” 

It was a lie, and we both knew it. 

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April 28, Thursday, 18:22 (present time)

The ivory of the church’s walls made me think of that warm light inside the Berliner Dom all those years ago. The sun was going down and the anger I was feeling before entering was magically gone. In its stead, a deep sense of melancholy filled my head. I was surprised that my mind wondered back to that conversation with Albert, since many years and things had happened. We were together for a brief time after Tomoe’s death. Cesare knew him and we were introduced along with a file that was different from the others I received. Albert was charming and he made a good distraction, but we were both far from the love our names evoked, unfortunately that was something I couldn’t see back then. I allowed him closer to my heart than I wanted, letting him take a lot of my firsts and relying on him more than I could realize. Even so I had never told him those famous three words; maybe a part of me was lucid enough to recognize how I truly felt towards him. He was my hope to heal from past wounds and not much more: I wanted to overcome my unresolved feelings for Tomoe and he did a decent job, making me laugh and providing that kind of affection I was craving, easily becoming someone special. Perhaps that was why I hurt so much when he wronged me, even if I didn’t love him deeply. He tried to reconcile every once in a while, but I had never received him again, especially after Cesare’s death, even if things were still complicated between us. In any case, the fact that I was thinking of him without any resentment made me realize my rage towards him had finally exhausted. Maybe I would speak to him if he had ever reached out again. I got up from my seat, did the sign of the cross out of habit, even if it was an empty gesture, and walked away, closing the wooden door behind me. 

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April 29, Friday, 00:43 (present time) 

“Nanami-chan, are you still mad at me?”

“No, Mizuki. Sleep well.”

“Then why are you not hugging me tonight?”

“Because what you and Mikage did behind my back was still wrong even if you had good intentions. I don't like being treated like this, like I can't take care of myself. Yes, I still need help to do almost everything, but I prefer to ask for it then to be deceived like that.”

"We know, but we also know you would never ask for help."

I turned and showed him my back. He was right, asking for help wasn't something I usually did, but I was still hurt. Their actions only reminded me how little I thought of myself and stroke a chord. My insecurities resurfaced and swallowed me down as I buried my face inside the pillow. The last thing I heard was Mizuki's humming while he tried to hug me and spoon me to sleep.

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May 1, Sunday, 21:37 (present time) 

I parked the car three blocks away from my apartment. I had just spent the day with Irene, her boyfriend and some other friends and I had exhausted my social skills for the day. The exact moment when I turned off the engine, I focused on the song that was playing. 

“And when I felt like I was an old cardigan under someone's bed you put me on and said I was your favorite.

A friend to all is a friend to none, chase two girls, lose the one. When you are young, they assume you know nothin'

But I knew you, playing hide-and-seek and giving me your weekends, I I knew you."

I decided to stay put and listen to it. I laid my forehead on the stirring wheel, feeling the hot leather on my skin. Oddly enough, I didn’t cry or sang out loud, I simply stood there, enjoying the flowing of the melody and letting the lyrics resonate and echoing all over my conscience and bringing back old memories. 

“You drew stars around my scars But now I'm bleedin'

'Cause I knew you, steppin' on the last train marked me like a bloodstain, I I knew you, tried to change the ending Peter losing Wendy, I I knew you, leavin' like a father, running like water, I and when you are young, they assume you know nothing."

A sudden knock over the window at my left, accompanied by a padded voice, made me jolt. I turned my head where the sound was originated and met his gaze. Why was he always there when I was doing weird things? Even in the dark I saw the silver-blue of his eyes inspecting my features with what seemed to be a shadow of concern depicted all over his face. I was too taken aback to put the music on pause, so it continued playing while I decided how to move. I started the car again only to roll over the window, choosing to not open the door so he wouldn’t have to move from where he was standing. 

“Captain Ackerman, you scared me.”

“You scared me.”

“How?”

“What the hell you mean with ‘how’? What would you think if you saw a person with her head on the wheel without moving for minutes?”

“You were watching me for minutes?”

He took his time to answer back and in those seconds of embarrassed silence, accompanied my the song, still playing in the background, I felt my heart thumping against my chest. It was so loud that for a moment I thought he would’ve been able to hear it if the music stopped. We stared at each other until he spoke again.

“Well, I saw your car passing when I was walking before, then I spotted the car parked with you in this strange position and for all the time I walked to reach you, you never changed position…what would you have done in my shoes?” 

“You were reaching me on purpose?”

“Yes, we want to see you and since I had spotted you I thought to ask you before you receive the formal request through Mey-Rin.”

“Oh, I see.”

As always, my mind was making me see things were they never existed. He was just acting like a normal human being, a decent person who pays attention to his surroundings. Nothing more. I didn’t notice how my right hand had moved over my chest, pressing against my heart, like begging it to stop and decelerate his beating. He was the one who made me notice my gesture, pointing his finger at my hand.

“Are you still scared or are you disappointed?”

“What?”

“You have your hand over your chest, are you still trying to calm down after I scared you or were you disappointed of me not following your rules and not contact you only through Mey-Rin?”

I realized I was disappointed, but not because he didn’t ask Mey-Rin to contact me as I wanted him to do to keep the distance from my home and my Roni-life, but because I once again realized I wasn’t special to him. He would’ve worried for anyone else with their head over the stirring wheel and he followed me only to tell me about a meeting. I felt so stupid. I was still dying from embarrassment for how he saw me that night, and a part of me wished to never meet him again, but deep down, the other part of me was hoping he would take an interest in me. What a silly girl I was. And how easy to read: he saw my disappointment even if he hadn’t guessed the right reason for it. But again, I always did my best to hide my true reasons to appear less immature: whether it was behind tears or rage, my emotions were displayed on my face, but I was the only one to know why I was behaving so. Everyone could notice when something didn’t sit right with me, but no one could understand the cause of my uneasiness, and even if someone managed to extrapolate a word from me, all they would get where lies or partial truths. Cesare used to say I was a storage of emotions, where every feeling of mine was stored in a box, put away and ignored until the content would start to leak without permission and that was because I never address them, hoping they would just fade away. I was just made this way, never honest about anything that concerned myself in the most intimate things, even if my face could be easily read. That was why I was at loss in front of people who could read me and expose those unspeakable truths, things I had only revealed to myself but never faced properly. That was why I felt defenseless in front of him and his sharpness. 

“The first one. You scared me a lot.”

I rolled up the window, turned off the car and clumsily got my bag before opening the door and face him in person. He moved only the right amount to let me get out of the car, but he wasn’t going away. I wasn’t looking at him in the eyes, I was pretending to move as in a routine, faking disinterest in his presence. That farce wasn’t going well, since I was dropping every thing I had in my hands or constantly tripping over my limbs, but I was refusing to give in and let him read more of my emotions. 

“So, Captain, what did you and the squad wanted to speak about?”

“We don’t know when Eren is going to write to us, but we need to communicate with those who are left on Paradis to coordinate and-“

“I’ll fixate an appointment with the responsible of my encrypted communication. I won’t need to attend, I trust him with my life, even if I probably shouldn’t. For now though, he has never failed me, I think Sebastian has an agreement with him so he’s loyal. The name is Ango Sakaguchi. So, there’s no need to have a meeting now. Please, refer this to Commander Hange for me.”

“Thank you, Miss.”

I lowered my head to signal him I was going to take my leave but he stopped me, moving his hand as to grab me, but never actually touching me. I looked at him with an interrogative expression and when he spoke again I could barely contain my dismay. 

“What were you listening to?” 

I guess my expression was stunned enough that no other words were needed and he started to explain himself. 

“I’m asking because I thought you weren’t feeling good, looking at the position you had assumed and remembering what happened before.”

“I think I’ve asked you to not speak of it again. I’m letting it slide on the ‘Miss’ because I can get your opinion, but I-“

He suddenly approached me, using the excuse of a car passing right next to us to cage me between my parked car and his body, still not touching me but standing impossibly close to me. His head moved towards my left cheek and his lips ghosted over my ear. I instinctively turned my face towards the opposite side, not thinking that I was practically offering my neck to him. He started whispering and shivers went down my spine while I was struggling to hide the beating of my heart and the blush that was covering all of my face. 

“I’m sorry for approaching you like this but I think someone is following you. Surely he is watching. What’s your safety protocol here? Should I bring you somewhere or-“

“D-describe him to me. If someone’s here it’s because Finnian didn’t find him suspicious.”

“Tall, curly brown hair, clear eyes. Brown jumper. He is coming here. What should I do?”

“Let him come.”

“Isn’t it dangerous?”

“Why do you care? It’s my responsibility.”

“It’s also mine as you are now our ally.”

“Then trust me. If he has made is way ‘til here I’m sure nothing’s wrong.”

He made a few steps back, leaving me my living space again. I looked at him showing him all of the confidence I could muster in that situation. He grumbled and then answered me. 

“If I see something strange, I’ll drag you away.”

I was happy he decided to trust me, so I gave him my warmest smile, hoping to convey how I felt. He didn’t reciprocate, but I wasn’t expecting him to do nothing of the sort. His gaze was cold and fixated on me until he moved to my side as the figure he was referring to started to approach us. Captain Ackerman glanced at the man and I followed his gaze. A million thoughts filled my head when I recognized that man’s face: it had been years, but he was still the same. I had thought of this moment a lot, always thinking I would’ve kept a straight face, but right now I hade the opposite reaction. I laughed. Thinking back at the song I was listening to, it was almost as if a superior entity, or fate, or the universe had been planning this. The final lyrics of the song I was listening to before started to play inside my head. 

"But I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss, I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs, the smell of smoke would hang around this long 'cause I knew everything when I was young. I knew I'd curse you for the longest time, chasing shadows in the grocery line, I knew you'd miss me once the thrill expired and you'd be standing in my front porch light. And I knew you'd come back to me. You'd come back to me."

The man was now smiling back at me, even if there was a bit of surprise in his eyes. He probably wouldn’t have pictured me staying this close to another man or smiling at him. I was confused too. At last, the man spoke. 

“Hi, Vic.”

I smirked and look at the Captain at my side, noticing he was already looking at me, searching for an hint to quickly decide what to do. I looked back at the man and greeted him back. 

“Hi, Albert.”

The three of us stood there, silently, contemplating what to say next. I took charge and decide to introduce them to break the tension. Also, my possible future conversation with Albert, shouldn’t happen with others witnessing, and the same goes for my political discussions with the Captain. Because political discussions were all that was between us, everything else was just my own fantasy. My plan became to introduce them, then get rid of both of them and go home. 

“Let me introduce you. Albert, this man is Captain Ackerman, a guest at the villa. Speaking of which, I hope you have your own accommodation.”

“Of course I do. I wasn’t even sure Finnian would let me pass.”

“Good.” 

I turned towards the Captain, whose face seemed now more relaxed, even if he was visibly confused by the implications of our words. I was sure he had noticed the mentioned fact of Finnian refusing to let him pass when he came in previous times; maybe later I would’ve explained something to him, just to not let him or the squad worry about this sudden new guest. I resumed my introduction, deciding to drop the bomb and not hide the secret me and Albert shared. 

“Captain Ackerman, this is Albert. My fiancé.”

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Author's note: aaaaand yes. This was the first course epilogue. I decided to end here this first course because this is a little turning point for a lot of things like the relationship between our protagonist and Levi and Sebastian. We'll get Levi's POV (and maybe someone else's too) along with the other POVs we all know. I'm still writing this second course, so things are a bit blurry even for me now, but I think we'll get more feelings at the beginning, exploring emotions more than 'politics'. But I'll stop here for now, I'll write more in the future, when I'll announce the second course's beginning. Before leaving you with this last chapter's song, I wanna say thank you. Thank you for reading until now, thank you if you'll wait for me. I really hope you've enjoyed reading this pointless story (as I described it in my bio) and that some things of it will stay with you. I know I'm not a good writer, I'm mostly a reader in fact, but I really hope some of you thought I did something decent. Again, thank you. I don't like to ask for notes, likes or comments, so I won't, but if you wish to let me know you liked even a small part of this story, well...I won't lie, it will be a pleasure. Now, I'll leave you with this masterpiece written by Taylor Swift (it's obvious the reference in the chapter, Cardigan is dedicate to Albert, I don't think I need to explain more now, you'll get even more soon) and again, thank you. See you soon!