nomorediejustcartoonsnstuff

[nomorediejustcartoonsnstuff]

It is so wild how much better I am now than I ever had been before. I still have a daily “huh I should kill myself” but now I’m just like, Okay brain, you know we don’t actually feel that way so shut-up. I still have depressive episodes where I lay in bed all day, but I’m no longer sobbing the whole time wishing I was actually dead. I just, don’t have the energy to do anything and that’s ok I’m working on it. Past me, you got your moments of rest, and its more than you could have ever imagined!

It is becoming exhausting wanting to die consistently. Like okay I’ve been on the verge of suicide since Monday can I have a moment of rest, please?

[nomorediejustcartoonsnstuff]

Vague Life Update

Obviously and thankfully didn’t kill myself. 

I moved states just 3 months after Cyps left me for our friend they were sleeping with :) They’re actually still together and expecting a child soon. 

I’ve been in my new state for a little over 2 years and I’m closer geographically to Sean my bio dad, Vicky, Emily, Hope, and Ashley. The first four are all fucky and I don’t talk to any of them but my sister Ashley has made herself a beautiful family and I love her her kids her husband and all the in laws to death. 

I had a girlfriend, Donna, for a while and that went poorly and I’ll probably write about it later. Now I’m dating Cara, Ash, and Harmony who I’ll also probably talk about. Cara’s dating my sister Hannah which I am NOT okay with and I’ve already got one hell of a vent about them typed and ready to queue up lmao

I’ve been out of the closet 3 years, and on T for a year and a half about. Still no top surgery but stuff like facial hair and my voice lessen the dysphoria a pretty good amount. I am trying to get insurance to cover top surgery asap and I’m doing well enough currently that I wouldn’t have to be too worried about missing work or anything like that.

I’m in hella therapy, got re-assessed for autism and they deemed the first ‘diagnosis’ of it to be false. I’ve got cPTSD, Bipolar 2, Generalized Anxiety and some other less nameable issues. 

I’ve decided to come back to this tumblr not really for any of the followers or to get read and popular but because I’ve got some crazy stories from my life that I’d like to start writing down. I’m not the greatest at talking about my history and some of the things that have happened to me, but writing them down helps and seems to be a good way of processing things.

[nomorediejustcartoonsnstuff]

Started T at 23. I’m now 5′7 so I guess I gained some height after all :)

4: How tall are you?

5′4 I’m pretty short, And I was tryin’ to get on T before I hit 21(I heard it can make you taller if you’re 18-21) but I’m too old to get any taller now :( Short boi for life.

[nomorediejustcartoonsnstuff]

Ended up with 1 more lobe piercing on each side, industrial, septum, eyebrow, and lip. Also gauged my lobes, currently at 00.

7: Any piercings that you want?

I’ve got my ears pierced, 3 on one side 2 on the other… And I’ve thought about getting more ear piercings…. But other than that not really? I used to really want to get my tongue pierced but :/ I think having something in my mouth all the time would bother me too much.

[nomorediejustcartoonsnstuff]

THE GAME I was actually looking for was apparently Command and Conquer btw

9. Most regrettable purchase?

The game I think I regret buying the most is probably Meridian: New World.

It’s not really a BAD game. It’s just I was looking for a really specific game that I could not remember the name of and I was SURE this was it. And it wasn’t. It was really similar to the game I was looking for but the controls felt impossible to get used to and I was just so disappointed that it wasn’t THE GAME that I never got much time in it. It just sits there existing never getting played. 

[nomorediejustcartoonsnstuff]

It's been 3 months since he left me and theres still a pretty high chance of me crying myself to sleep at night. I dont know what else to do to get over this... haven't messaged him in nearly a month, he was trying to be friends but I insulted his girlfriend (previously my best friend) and he hasnt tried to talk to me since... I moved out of state. Still nearly homeless, sleeping on my transphobic fathers couch. Figured a new place would help me get back to job hunting and stay vaguely positive. It's not really working and I still want to die every day, though some days it is easier to ignore... I don't have anyone I'm close enough to to talk to.. I just want to be held really. Even in a room full of family I feel alone. I miss my husband even though it feels like I should hate him. I do hate him... I guess I just miss the way he used to make me feel. It's late and I'm rambling... I just dont know why I cant talk about this to real people.

[nomorediejustcartoonsnstuff]

I feel so fucking shitty and I dont know how to handle it.

I honestly thought I'd feel better by now. But I still have nightmares about /him/. Or dreams where I'm happy again. Its getting harder and harder to get up every day and it feels like no one is noticing. It feels almost like before my last big attempt at suicide. Except this time I dont have the one thing that held me back last time. Before my attempt last time I just had to make him hate me first. This time he's already gone? I dont know... it's hard cuz I'm living in my adopted moms livingroom in a house with 6 other people yet I still feel so fucking alone. Are they not noticing or do they not know how to say something?.... I need help. No job still... but honestly that could be my fault.. no money... my adopted mom has complained that it costs too much to feed me... so now I'll go a day or two without eating. And still nobody notices. I feel so fucking low right now.... I don't want to do this anymore..

[nomorediejustcartoonsnstuff]

Hardest part about my husband leaving me on my birthday and me ending up jobless and 2 hours away back in my mother's living room, is starting to be the substance abuse problem I thought I was free of. I'd kill for a bottle of sleeping pills or some ativan or clonazepam... Just anything to dope me up 😭😭 but at the same time I really don't want to become the person I was when I had this problem the first time.... I was starting to think my whole 'problem' was just something I faked to make me feel better like worried past me had made it up cuz I had issues. But I've like cried wanting even some tylenol PM these last few nights.... Crying right now because of how badly I want a whole bottle of zquil with a side of 5 or 6 Benadryl 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 I keep thinking I'm handling this okay and then I have nights like tonight... Thankfully I don't have a car so any drugs I would want would have to be delivered or I'd have to trick someone into taking me to get them. Over the counter or not.. 😬😬

[nomorediejustcartoonsnstuff]

Entire body creepy crawlies are the worst.

[nomorediejustcartoonsnstuff]

Having a really rough day. And once again here i am. Hello super secret side tumblr that i literally just use to talk about how much everything sucks and sometimes fanfic lists. I wanna drink myself stupid and cry. But also I just want to get my todo list done and i dont think thats gonna happen 😭

[nomorediejustcartoonsnstuff]

Hey sweetheart, just know that I still love and care about you as your anon follower and everything will turn out okay. It’s okay to feel bad and hurt but remember that you’ll make it through this because you’re strong enough to pick yourself up and keep going. I’ll be sending good energy your way❤️🌸

I really appreciate it <3 its been hard but i actually went on a date today? But i was very up front about everything that happened as im not trying to date someone just tl end up hurting them :(

[nomorediejustcartoonsnstuff]

Had a dream where my husband wanted me back :( that was a rough one to wake up from..

[nomorediejustcartoonsnstuff]

Buy my feet pics. 😭😭 or just give me money because my husband left me on my birthday and he got the car, our house, and I had to move so far that I had to quit my job.

PayPal.me/ballisticrenegade

[nomorediejustcartoonsnstuff]

sometimes it’s easier to pretend you don’t care than to admit it’s killing you.

[nomorediejustcartoonsnstuff]

My aunt just died while we were on the way to see her.

[nomorediejustcartoonsnstuff]

Missing him at 2am basically exactly 8 days since he left me. I just wanna hold him again despite all he's done to me.

[nomorediejustcartoonsnstuff]

It's crazy what stupid things remind me of him and ruin my mood... Domino's commercials, Rise of the Guardians, Dr Pepper Mt Dew.. Taco Bell, stuffed animals, koalas, hugs, being tired, certain foods, snowmen.. Just... He's fucking our old roommate in our bed and I'm crying alone in a mattress on my moms living room floor 2 hours away with no job...