noname-fornow

[noname-fornow]

“wow! who taught you to do your makeup like that?”

“wow! who taught you how to make that?”

“wow! who taught you-”

[noname-fornow]

video game producer: you see that mountain all the way there in the back?

video game producer: you can't go there.

video game producer: it's not for you.

video game producer: it's for me.

[noname-fornow]

“Herb is the healing of a nation, alcohol is the destruction.” 

[noname-fornow]

[noname-fornow]

I feel like I'm just slowly falling apart again

[noname-fornow]

Still trying

Regardless of how much I have grown in my personal emotional state of general stability, it will always drive me insane when that shit gets the best of me. It makes me feel like I’ve failed to accomplish what I was attempting to achieve in improving myself at all. It’s only one aspect of myself, but it just really bums me out. I have gotten a lot better at controlling my emotional reactions to my Spurs of insecurity, but it always feels like such a big failure, even when it’s only once every few weeks or months, when it gets the best of me. I have to try and remember that none of us can be perfect, and we never will be. What we carry in our spirit.. Who we are, and our insecurities.. Are unfortunately a part of us in every way. They define us. How we let them define us is the difference. I’m sure I’ll always be relatively insecure about myself. It’s a part of me. My goal is not to dwell on those feelings of insecurity to the point that they get me down. And it’s the hardest because my insecurity is personal, as opposed to based off of other peoples opinions. I’m happy with myself as a person, as in how people know me. But I’m not personally satisfied, and that’s the part that has always caused the biggest issue for me. It has definitely gotten better than it used to be. I just wish it wasn’t there at all.

[noname-fornow]

Alex Grey does amazing work I genuinely find myself stopping to really admire and observe his art The time and emotion put in to all of them is always apparent 💕

[noname-fornow]

I Like my Liver how it is

I’ll start this by saying that I am in no way against the consumption of alcohol. I drink very occasionally, and sometimes enjoy getting a little tipsy. But when it comes down to it, I think that alcohol is one of the biggest problems that is growing quickly in this nation. I suppose it’s just a preference, that I would rather smoke a couple bowls and chill than to get drunk, but where I sometimes don’t understand the appeal, is the whole fact that people tend to ignore:
Alcohol does damage to your body in large, and regular quantities. And you feel like shit when you have too much. 
I like to remember what I did the night before. (Yes, I’ve had party night where I’ve smoked a lot and forgotten a decent number of events, but I have never gotten out of bed the next day feeling like shit). I don’t like throwing up (not everyone gets sick after consuming a lot of alcohol, but it’s certainly possible). I honestly don’t like being around drunk people. I’ve come to learn that drunk people are only ever funny when I am drunk too. I’ve met my fair share of people who can handle their liquor, being drunk but maintaining some sort of personal composure. I have also met a number of people who drive me insane when intoxicated. 
Alcoholism is a very possible outcome for some people who drink. The only people I come into contact with that are “”“addicted”“” (for lack of better term) to smoking weed, are hippies. They don’t tend to be angry, chemical dependent, broken people. Alcoholism is a sad thing to see. I have just always seem less benefits to drinking thank smoking pot. I guess it all does come down to personal preference, but in my eyes i see two drugs, one doing significantly less damage than the other for a more pleasurable experience.

[noname-fornow]

When your partners for the group project are all smarter than you and you don’t have to work

[noname-fornow]

"Trip" to my trip

One of the biggest things that probably inspired the writer spirit in me was my recent decision to try LSD for the first time. (I still have yet to try it, this is just detailing the lead up to said decision). I actually used to be pretty against the idea of me or anyone I loved doing acid, because I (like many others) had been scared by all those Internet articles and any other “”“relevant”“” study done on the drug. The first time I heard about acid, I was 16 years old. It was the summer after my sophomore year in high school (only a couple years ago, I’m not THAT old). I had recently broken up with a boy named Dylan (my history and unfortunate experience with this individual will be more detailed throughout this blog), but we were still communicating regularly. He talked about wanting to do acid, and without considering the negative bias and untrue information I would receive from simply searching “effects of acid” on Google, i did it anyways. I was barraged with information about bad trips, the deaths caused by acid (which I now know to essentially be freak accidents due to factors that warranted the outcomes), the possible psychological damage that could be done from it, and tons of other things that not only reinforced my aversion to the idea of doing acid, but actually caused me to be a little scared of it. Even though I smoked weed, I was still upset by the thought or idea of acid. Fortunately for me, I didn’t have to deal with it for awhile after this experience until about 9 months ago, when I met my current boyfriend Isaiah (who I’m sure will also be detailed a great deal throughout this blog, as he is one of the bigger factors in my personal transformation). To put it in short, my boyfriend is a pothead. I say that with no negative connotation, since I share this title as well (yet somehow I’ve still managed to lead a successful career as a functional teenager/young adult (this would come as a shock to many, I’m sure)). Funny enough, I didn’t become a heavy smoker until I met isaiah. Now don’t get me wrong, I still loved weed, and actually met him because I invited myself to smoke with some friends, but when the person you’re with partakes avidly in something, it isn’t unlikely for you to gain an interest or appreciation as well. Being a stoner, of course my boyfriend has met and hangs out with a large variety of people, and I have been introduced to a number of them. So, I wasn’t terribly shocked when we got on the subject of acid once, and he shared with me that he had done it a few times. I was taken a little off guard. He didn’t SEEM like the type of person to do acid (whatever the hell that meant to me). He didn’t have any psychological damage, wasn’t messed up in the head, hadnt had a bad trip or flashback. Although this all caught me off guard, it didn’t change my mind about never wanting to do acid, and still be uncomfortable with the idea that the person I was with would do it. In fact, I didn’t think much about acid until I started hanging out with one of my boyfriends best friends, max. Max has definitely done his share of acid, and other psychedelic drugs, and is one of the more energetic, positive, and fun people I’ve come to meet. It’s hard to harsh his mellow, and that’s something I’ve always aimed for. After meeting max, all I knew to be true about psychedelic drugs truly crumbled before my eyes, and I decided to rebuild it based upon the actual facts. The first personal observation/conclusion I drew when re-gathering information about what psychedelics do to people, was this: Nearly 90% of the people I have met who have done some sort of psychedelic (in this case LSD, Shrooms, DMT, etc.) were generally more easy going, friendlier, and less stressed in general. This wasn’t based off of anything scientific, simply what I saw. And this alone was enough to deeply intrigue me. I didn’t vocalize my newly found interest in psychedelics (specifically mushrooms and LSD), until a month or two after meeting max and really battling mentally with one question floating around in my head: Am I really considering doing a psychedelic drug? This question, for me, was one of the more important decision and questions I have ever been faced with on a personal level. Although psychedelics had proven to be a great deal less dangerous than I had previously believed, I was still aware, after my decent amount of unbiased research and questioning of people who had tripped before, that the right mindset, setting, and even emotional mindset, were are important factors to how your trip will turn out. My first, and still most prevalent concern of all of the factors, was my personal emotional state. As optimistic as I had been trying to be, it was still easy for me to be emotionally affected in a large way by certain subjects and thoughts, to the point that my mood would be shot. Of course, this thing happens to everyone occasionally, but I knew it was too often an occurrence for me to feel comfortable taking a psychedelic like LSD because of the large effect mood swings can have on a trip. The first thing I knew I would have to do in order to achieve the mental state for me too feel comfortable taking a psychedelic drug, would be better control of my emotions and thoughts. This has required me to be slower to anger about simple things, spend less time focusing on the negatives, spend more time trying to appreciate myself, learn to quickly shove any thoughts that could potentially bring on anxiety or a depressive episode, and many other things in order to get closer to a healthy mental state to be doing psychedelics. I don’t feel as though every person should go through this mental preparation. Some people don’t need to. However, I know myself (or perhaps, my former mental state) well enough to know that, previously, I wouldn’t have been able to potentially keep my mood under control throughout a trip. Whether people agree with me or not, my personal opinion tends to be that one should be mentally prepared to take a psychedelic, assuming they’re doing it for the purpose of enlightenment, psychological reasons, self improvement, or insight into their life and how they’re living. Before you take a plunge into your mind like that, when your brain is taking in information unfiltered and for what it is, it seems like a person would want (or perhaps need) to be mentally prepared in order to achieve positive outcomes or discoveries. After deciding that I was truly curious about acid and shrooms, I started asking around. I asked my boyfriend, and his two best friends (all of which have done acid on multiple occasion (some significantly more than others)). I was asking them if they thought I would be okay, if I could handle it, what it was like, what could go wrong, how you feel, what you feel, what your mental state is like, and many other questions. I just wanted answers. When I thought about doing acid, I would feel terrified and consumed and amazed and excited and hopeful all at the same time. I wanted to do it, but I knew I wasn’t ready. Yet I still wanted to do it so bad. Finally, after a few days of wrestling with my swiftly changing attitudes towards the idea, I asked the guys my final determining question; “How do I know when I’m ready?” What all three of the guys told me in response to this question, is something that I actually consider to be a very important thing that everyone who shows an interested in doing acid (or any psychedelics, for that matter) should at least take to heart and consider. The each told me that I was ready when I wanted it. They explained to me that I shouldn’t do it until I really wanted it. Until I was hungry for the experience. Until I was ready. Until that feeling or nervous anxiety no longer creeped into my stomach when I thought about doing it. You aren’t ready until you’re ready. You shouldn’t feel nervous when you do something so mind-altering. It seems like common sense. After hearing this from them, I really wanted to want it. I wanted to do it at that time, but I knew I still wasn’t ready. I still got anxiety about it. For about a week, I continued to research more and more about psychedelics, particularly LSD, and finally, I told my boyfriend that I was ready. I wanted it. I didn’t get nervous thinking about it anymore. So we agreed that I would try it for my first time with he and his friend max, whom I mentioned earlier. Of course, my mental preparations could not simply stop after feeling like I wanted to do this. Deciding I wanted to do it was only the first step to mentally and emotionally preparing myself to purposefully alter my mind and consciousness. This is when my emotional preparations started. Although I won’t go into detail about all of that (it seems rather pointless, and it’s hard to communicate emotional things like that through words on a phone/computer screen), it all came down to trying to be a genuinely more positive, loving, and tolerant person. Tolerant, that is, specifically, for little stressors and frustrations. I began trying harder and more often to radiate love and positivity as much as I can. I began to drop down more barriers that I had made socially involving people that I didn’t particularly prefer to talk to or tolerate. I began to view my life in a more current light, as opposed to the things that had happened in my life prior to this point in time. I began practicing pushing the negative thoughts out of my head as quickly as they enter. I basically began to entirely reconstruct my natural responses to emotional stressors. Although I have reached the mental point of feeling ready to do acid, the opportunity (I.E: the right setting and time) have yet to present themselves for my first psychedelic experience. Regardless, I continue to ready myself mentally to ultimately become a calmer and happier human being in general. As I keep moving forward on the trip to my trip, I am hoping for a positive experience with LSD. (I don’t picture it being too terrible, as I will be with trusted companions who are experienced with the drug). For me, the experience as a whole has already been positive, and lead to positive changes in me as a person, which I plan to continue to work on, regardless of my future experience with acid, and psychedelics in general.

[noname-fornow]

No Name for Now

I couldn’t think of a title that would be accurate or relevant to this blog, so it will remain as it is. This is basically just a junk blog for me to dump my random thoughts (while intoxicated or sober). I have a feeling I won’t tell anyone about this blog. Regardless, I’m feeling talkative (or write-ative ;D (that was a douche bag writer thing to say)) so I’ll just do a basic run over. My name is Ali. I’ve had a lot of things go on personally over the years and over my life, and as I mature and grow and look back at these experiences through a macroscopic lens, I realize more and more, about… Everything, honestly. Even in the recent months, I have become a more open minded, tolerant, patient, calm, loving, happy, and curious spirit than I used to be. I accredit these changes to a variety of things, which im sure I’ll ramble on about at some point on here. However, I am still amazed by the positive personal, emotional, and mental changes I’ve been making. Of course there’s still many things that need to be worked on (procrastination being one of them. (Believe it or not, I’m procrastinating right now while typing this all up.)), but nothing worth beating myself up over. I do partake in the consumption of marijuana, so I’m sure a variety of posts will either have something to do with, or be brought on by that very thing. I have no shame in posting the embarrassing shit I think of while under the influence, at least not here. It always gives me a good laugh. And I’ve come to the point where I have a lot of sessions of deep thought while high, and I’m sure many of those ideas and blurbs will be posted on here as well. Really, this blog is for my mind, in a way. A place to keep digital note of my transformation, if you will, into who I’ll eventually be. I apologize in advance to anyone who has to read this, and thank the reader who doesn’t seem me as completely worthless to this blogging site