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[norwichnoise-blog]

⤷ Playing Principle | Self

Gavin’s shoes clicked on the floor as he made his way, again, to the mirror. He tilted his chin up, down, and sideways and ran his hand through his hair. Behind his reflection, he could see the rest of the orchestra spread around him, chatting like nothing was wrong in the world. Lori fidgeted with her pearls, swept a strand of hair behind her ear, and laughed. Did Quinn say something funny? Gavin couldn’t hear the words. No meaning; just noise.

He snapped his gaze down to the floor. The hardwood was much less busy; much quieter.

Without something to look at, the little imp cartwheeling through the back of Gavin’s brain turned on his tie. He worried it between his fingers until it was no longer cool, and then realized that he could sweat a stain into it if he didn’t stop. Back to the mirror.

He stared himself down, wishing for strength, or at least calm, but his eyes remained wide; his brow tight. His fists clenched and unclenched at his sides. He glanced up at the clock. Fifteen to places. There’s enough time, said a voice much kinder than the imp. Gavin hardly looked at the others while he wove a path through them, and he didn’t sit in the corner chair as much as he threw himself into it. Tzipporah picked up before the first ring even finished.

“What’s up, Gavin?”

“Oh—“ Gavin faltered, amazed that his voice actually worked. “—You-you know…”

“No, I don’t.”

Tzipporah was annoyed, but Gavin was grateful for something to focus on.

“It’s a show night,” Gavin finally said.

“Okay.” Tzipporah was softening up. Less alkaline gravel in her voice; more of a woodland whisper. Soft and lilting with a question. So Gavin answered:

“I’m playing principle tonight.”

A shriek burst through Tzipporah’s careful veneer of disaffection. The first note was surprise; then it rolled into an effervescent, overflowing joy. Somewhere in the middle of the noise, an Oh my god!

“I know, I—“

“Oh my god!”

“I know—“

“Congratulations!”

“Thank you.” It was hard not to smile, in spite of everything.

For a beat, Tzipporah said nothing. She was finally getting the memo. When she spoke next, her voice was tight. She was holding herself back.

“What’s wrong? Isn’t that what you wanted?”

“Of course it is! But—“ He switched his phone to the other ear, so he could turn away from his fellow musicians and hiss against his shoulder: “It’s not like they promoted me! Kim is sick!”

“So?” Gavin could picture her waving her hand, swatting the very idea of Kim into the next century. “A chance is a chance!”

“What if I’m not good enough?”

“When have you ever thought you weren’t good enough?”

“Only all of the time, Z!”

“Okay, but you never let it stop you!” Fair point. “What’s this really about?”

How could she not know? Didn’t it matter? Was he the only one carrying this thing around like a bowling ball? No, Gavin answered himself. Tzipporah had her own way of grieving. They were three years into this thing and no closer to the end of it.

“It’s bubbe Sophie’s birthday today.”

Saying it aloud was like taking the needle right off the record of his own life. Gavin couldn’t hear anything; not even Tzipporah. And when she came back in, she was shaky.

“Oh.”

Gavin didn’t have anything for that, so she tried again.

“She would be so proud of you. More than anyone.”

Would she? Gavin remembered the woman who nearly collapsed onto her couch when Tzipporah came home with a tattoo; wasn’t the thing about kissing boys a worse covenant to break? But then there was the Sophie who kissed the tears out from under his eyes when he fell and scraped his knee; and the one who stared Jenny Ackerman dead in the eye while she bought him a Hamsa and said, “of course it’s not girls’ jewelry. It can’t be if it’s his.” And the one who spent hours helping him with his Hebrew; and the one who nearly mowed down a nurse to visit him in hospital, who set up a shrine and prayed for his healing.

The memory was enough to make him reach up, under his tie, and feel the pendant there against his chest — a prayer that banished Sophie’s ghost and let all of the pressure out of his body. Alone in his head with his shame, Gavin was sure he wanted the anxiety back. How could he judge Sophie? Who was he to think less of the dead? Of her? But maybe it was a blessing to never know how she would feel. He could keep her this way—a version of her who loved him without any asterisks attached.

“Yeah,” was all he could say.

“Yeah.” Tzipporah echoed. “So you’re going to go out there and do this thing.”

“She never got to see me play.”

“Sure she did. And she will tonight.” Not one to commit to anything too heartfelt, Tzipporah had to add, “You know, if you believe in that sort of thing.”

Gavin didn’t know if he believed in that sort of thing. Still, he thanked Tzipporah and put his phone away.

This time, he could actually look at himself when he passed the mirror. And as he stepped out onto the stage, he reached up again to touch the Hamsa resting against his chest and imagined not just Miriam’s hand, but Sophie’s, coming to brush that little imp away.

[norwichnoise-blog]

Whipped up something a little nostalgic. Anyone here play Kingdom Hearts? :D 

[credit]

[norwichnoise-blog]

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she bodied this gucci gang violin cover

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In case you were wondering, someone on the Internet perfectly parodied my mother.

[norwichnoise-blog]

measuredmelomania:

I assure you I’m quite real.

Well Gavin, I’m willing to feign temporary amnesia if you’d be willing to spend an afternoon with me. Say, tomorrow? Unless you’re the cocktail and dinner type of guy. I could meet you tonight and try this introduction again nylons excluded if you’d feel more comfortable.

Wow. Uh. Sure. Yes. Tonight is fine; I’m kinda busy with the Phil the rest of the week.

Dinner and a movie? A movie and dinner? Or, you look like you like to sweat, I’ve kinda always wanted to explore the abandoned zoo?

[norwichnoise-blog]

Favorite position?

I’m really tryna be first chair violin at the LA Phil! How sweet of you to ask!

I know what you’re really asking and the answer is I don’t know. It’s dumb. I know. 

[norwichnoise-blog]

What is your biggest kink?

I’ve got one in my lower back that is, like, killing me. I’ve been schlepping around all day like my grandpa.

[norwichnoise-blog]

Third date and you have them by the collar on the threshold of your place. They kiss you and ask to stay, what do you tell them?

That depends:

Have they seen at least the first five seasons of The Nanny? Can they pronounce latke? Does my cat approve?

If Desi doesn’t like them, then forget it; I’ll have to be like “I’m sorry, I am promised to The L-rd.”

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Rotting like a wreck on the ocean floor Sinking like a siren that can't swim anymore Your songs remind me of swimming But I can't swim any more

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I hear it’s Sexual Sunday, but I guess I have to live a little, so....

[norwichnoise-blog]

Gavin & Lorelei

@loreleiostargaad

That looks like an actual painting, very nice. I have a medical card which looks like a bus pass.

A prettier bus pass than I ever had, I’m sure! 

What do you do in medicine, if I may ask?

[norwichnoise-blog]

maluhialanikahala:

Everyone here has pretty much seen me butt fucking naked, so I don’t know if it will really be all that distracting. 

I would be very distracted, don’t worry.

I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I’ll see myself out.

[norwichnoise-blog]

lola-hall:

I have indeed! Oh my goodness. Well, now I’ll have to come see you again. That is so wonderful. I really love the Philharmonic. I spoke with my fathers’ yesterday and they are planning to come stay with me for a few days before Christmas so they definitely want to do anything that involves theater or live music. 

That’s great! Do you think they’d like a tour around the concert hall? I can get you all some passes, maybe even some good seats for your next visit!

[norwichnoise-blog]

I know what you’re saying but Desdemona brought me a dead mouse this morning, so I’m not exactly feelin’ sunshiney.

But maybe she was the one having a good day and I’m just collateral damage.

You know those days that are just… good? They just start out good? I’m having one of those. I made the best omelette I have ever made and then I had a really good run and even with my music on shuffle, it picked out all the songs I wanted to hear. Brienne hasn’t had an accident (knock on wood). Does anybody else just sort of feel that? 

[norwichnoise-blog]

Text: Gavin}{Alma

Alma: Excuse me, sir! I dragged YOU to the Scott Pilgrim movie because I had read the graphic novels prior. Don't you play that with me.

Alma: ALSO OH MY GOD WHAT!? Wait... OH! That guy. I thought he looked really familiar but I didn't want to be a dipshit and ask. I knew it!

Alma: Also yes, praying to the almighty Beyonce for your safety, my dear.

Gavin: I think he's hitting on me? Oh my L-RD oh my G-D.

Gavin: I'm deceased. Think of me whenever you watch The Nanny.

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@maluhialanikahala

Crazy, I have that same outfit!

Great! Then you can put yours on and make everyone forget about the mistake that was me making this post.

[norwichnoise-blog]

measuredmelomania:

Ah, guilty as charged.

I may have moonlighted in a few films when I was still waiting tables. By all means though, if being interrogated a little means I’m graced with your company, feel free to read me the riot act.

Ok so this is not a complex hallucination. Oy gevalt.

I’m Gavin. Hi. Can we just pretend we live in an alternate universe where you did not see that much of me? Cool, thanks.