nostalgiclimerence

[nostalgiclimerence]

Polaris (Part 2)

My dear northern star, As clouds tower before you, and covers your light. Worry not of my lost soul. For my love, you still shine bright.

My star in the north, We have been through so much now. Worry not of me, To your love, I'm coming forth. Wait for me, my little star. My lost soul is coming home.

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POLARIS

My star in the north, Guide of the lost souls at sea, Still and unchanging, Shine your bright light upon me. By your side, I want to be. My warm, bright little star, Shine your light upon my heart Covered in darkness. Guide me home, my little star. Away from all these blankness.

If it comes the end And my old soul is still lost, Worry not of me. For my northern star, you did All you can to guide me.

Image Credits: minnasundberg.fi

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What’s your biggest fear?

“Loosing grip of reality.”

And today, I lost grip of the very reality I’ve known. Never have I ever thought that I would want anything so badly in my life until it happened; I wanted it to end.

I was on repeat where the past, the present and the future was happening right before me. It was surreal and I was so damn scared.

I felt numb yet I felt everything. My brain was trying to make sense of what’s happening yet it felt fine when it didn’t.

An hour felt like forever. Everything goes slow-mo in one second and then it was being fast forwarded on the next -- like a child playing with a VHS player controls.

Every time I looked away from you, every time I am not able to feel my hands touching you, I felt lost. It felt like I am being pulled back into the rabbit hole where you first found me.

I thought I was going to be stuck in that loop forever, until your gentle and loving hands decided to hold me close. It created a sensation of being pulled back to the surface of the water after almost getting pushed down by the waves of the sea. It was like seeing everything that is real and true for the first time after being trapped in a spiral maze of a never ending darkness and illusion.

You’re real. You’re mine. You are my reality.

Today, I lost grip of reality. And it felt fine. Never have I ever thought that I would want anything so badly in my life until... You.

What’s my biggest fear?

Loosing grip of my reality. Loosing you.

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She’s going down the rabbit hole. With every step, a heavy heart "Come!", the lone wolf whisphered. To the end of the tunnel, she ran. And there it was; the wolf was waiting by the porch of a house in the middle of the darkness. "Stay.", the wolf said. "Stay and let everything you've left above ground be gone."

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I am trying so hard to break down your walls but you won’t let me.

You must've been so hurt that you can't let yourself feel love Your heart must've been so broken that you can't let yourself heal. You asked, many a times, what I see in you to make me want you.  What do I see besides the facade of happiness you're trying to put up?

I saw warmth in your smile. Warmth that can give comfort even on the coldest nights. I saw passion in your eyes. Passion that can never be killed by doubt.

You might think that I only see what I want to see -- No. I also see the wounds that can't heal because you won't let it. I saw the demons whispering in your ears, making you doubt yourself. I saw the sadness and the confusion and I know how it breaks you.

My heart seeks to comfort those who needs it. That was how it was built, to give love and love hard. And maybe that's why I was so eager to love you.

I wanted to silence the demons in your head. I wanted to show you that everyone is worthy of a love that is true. I wanted to be one of the people who will make you see the parts of you that you turn a blind eye to.

You think of yourself as unworthy, yet your heart roars a different hymn. And sadly, the only one deaf to what your heart sings, is you.

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Ethereal

"Fell deeds awake. Now for wrath! Now for ruin! And a red dawn!” — King Theoden

I never knew that life would be so much like the Battle of Helm's Deep where you're fighting your way against all the destruction and chaos this world can give that sometimes you would just choose to retreat to your own King's Hall and barricade yourself inside. There you are in the tunnels of the keep — hearing the thunderous voices of the Uruk-hais outside your fortress.

And most times, that fortress you locked yourself into will fall, leaving you with no choice but to face all these demons.

A lone King riding for the red dawn.

With one final strand of faith and what little courage you can muster, you ride out to battle. When the fortress has fallen and everything seemed lost, he came, the bringer of light in a battle of darkness.

The King is not alone.

Like Theoden, in the battle of Helm's Deep, I had little faith that I could ever see the light of a new day. And his coming was like how Gandalf came in the first light of the fifth day with the Rohirrim. As Gandalf brought forth the blinding light of the sun, he brought forth a light more delicate and warm. And like the Battle of Helm's Deep it was the spark of hope when all hopes was lost.

For Zee, with love.

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Sedulous

The pain of love will never stop. It becomes torturously painful. Specially if you don’t see eye to eye. And most of the time, Leaving seems the easiest thing to do.

But storms make trees take deeper roots. So we chose to be trees, Unmoved by the storm. Holding dearly to the soil, For our existence depends on it.

The Universe fell in love with our stubborn hearts. We stood our grounds despite the uncertainty Because we know in our hearts, We will not fall because of the storm We’ll just fall deeper in love.

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A Birthday Gift

This was one of the most beautiful gifts I have ever received for my birthday. I still do not know what good have I done in this world to deserve such a masterpiece. Then again, thank you.

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Ambivalence

noun. The coexsitence of opposing attitudes or feelings towards a person, an object or an idea.

You are torn between leaving and staying; this was not an unfamiliar feeling. Many times you’ve been vacillating between having to stand your ground or flee back to your keep. At the end, you always choose to run. Run back to your safe place and rebuild those walls, making it higher this time, keeping most people out.

Will you choose to run this time?

You try to stand your ground hoping this time, it would bring you more good than harm. As time passes by, this choice has brought you a gut wrenching feeling of defeat. It’s like as if the clock is ticking so fast and you’re stranded in somewhat a desolated place being ripped off all the energy and faith you have.

It’s like you were the donkey in Burindan’s Paradox, having to be put in the middle of the hay and water, that ultimately dies of both thirst and hunger because it wasn't able to make a decision of which is more important.

Run! Run! Run! RUN while you still can!

After some time of indecisiveness, you choose the easiest way out. Running back to your walls, you make it higher this time, keeping most people out.

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Resilience.

"I needed to get creative to survive. I was determined NOT to remain homeless!"

I heard a story at work about a homeless man who refused to remain homeless and decided to sell flags to survive. His name is Frankie Romanowski - - and yes, he sells flags for a living.

He has been through a lot basing from what I have heard and what I have read in his website https://frankiesflags.com. He has lost his job, his car and his money but never his determination.

A very inspiring story of an incredible man who refuses to be defeated. Life might have sent him tons of lemons but he thought of a way to make orange juice out of it - - now go ahead and think about where the fck the oranges came from.

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Shine, Sheryn.

I met a sweet little angel. Though her hair has fallen due to the liquids that has been infused through her veins and her body weakened because of the high dosage of medications that she is taking in, she still manages to give the most beautiful innocent smile  — one of the most genuinely wonderful things I have ever seen in my life.

Her name is Sheryn Lisa Caoili, the only beneficiary of our website https://thebiggestheart.org as of now. We visited her to see how she is doing and to our surprise she is doing better than we have expected. She was diagnosed with Sacrococcygeal Teratoma which is an unusual tumor that is located at the base of the tailbone. Despite this, you won’t see even a trace of her condition in the way she interacts with the people around her. Looking at her is like looking at a perfectly healthy and joyful child.

She managed to warm-up to us. Though she was lightheaded from the last dose of IV injection she received before we got there, she managed to pick herself up and play with us. What a strong kid. A fighter. Before going to her, I was lucky to have picked up a some clothes as well as two books on the way. That definitely delighted her. She likes dressing up and pretend to be walking a cat walk based from the videos her mom sent me before so I think a pink top and a pink balloon skirt is just fitting.

Her mother told us a story of how she likes to draw her eyebrows. Since she is undergoing chemo, all the hair in her body fell off. Her having to draw an eyebrow for herself, no matter how simple of an act that is, broke my heart for at a young age she knows that somehow she lacks something and it shouldn’t be that way. I want to tell her how beautiful she is and how her hair and her eyebrows will grow back when she recovers but I can’t find a way to tell her in a manner that she will understand. I want to make her see that she is way more beautiful than most people I have met in my life so far.

As time passes, she and her mom became more comfortable of our presence. As Sheryn started smiling, her mom started telling stories of how Sheryn was diagnosed of cancer, of how her mom knows she misses her sisters and how their whole family coped up with their situation. It was heartbreaking really, seeing Sheryn's mother go through all this. I can only imagine what it feels to be away from your children for quite a long time but like Sheryn, you will never see the sorrow and hardships in her eyes. I think that is why Sheryn is such a joyous little child, she got that from her mom.

We played some more until it was time to say goodbye. I never wanted to leave. How can someone you just met be capable of digging a whole so deep inside your heart? With heavy hearts, we bid goodbye to the shining angel in front of us. Her sweet smile will remain in me until I get to see it again.

Taking the time to visit Sheryn was one of the greatest things that I could ever done in my life. And like what they say, “Everyone has a story”. I am glad that somehow, I have been part of hers.

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HIRAETH

The sound of my phone alarm ringing once, then twice signals the start of my day. With a heavy heart, I get up and leave my bed to get myself a well-deserved hot cup of coffee.

It’s raining heavily outside today — my kind of weather. I like how the skies are gloomy and how the sun still provides the needed light behind those heavy clouds. I love the smell of a rainy day, the smell of wet grass and leaves, the smell of the cold breeze. It somehow calms me.

I wished I could stay at home lay down beside my boy and stare at him until he wakes up, but the world is a cruel place to live in and I need to work my ass of to fend for the beautiful boy I am raising alone.

Being alone is something I am accustomed to. I find myself rather odd sometimes to socialize. I never felt the need to belong to a group or a circle, I enjoy having all my time to myself and since I find solitude in solidarity, I should be fine raising a child on my own, right? Wrong! It was harder than I expected. All those sleepless nights with no one to confide my stress to. Fortunately, I am able to cope well with my situation.

My upbringing might have helped me deal with the situation I am in right now. I grew up in not so good — can I say hostile environment?. Not the kind of hostile that people are hurting each other physically but the kind of hostile that will scar you emotionally for the rest of your life. I am somehow thankful for that though, it made me strong to be able to face the challenges and carry the burden of raising my son on my own.

There are times though that I realize that the place I call home was never a home to me. I grew up not feeling appreciated in any way — not even a little. It was something normal in my family not to show much emotions. All mistakes are being judged, all opinions being ridiculed. You need to be perfect at all times and in everything you do. I am far from perfect, I made a lot of mistakes and being a single mom is something that my family had a hard time accepting. I don’t think they would ever learn how to accept my situation but that’s fine. I can carry on life without minding what others think about my condition though, I must admit it feels good having someone who can understand you on a level that not all people can. Someone to share you fears and dreams with. It need not be on an intimate level, even family will do. Sad that I cannot do it with mine.

Funny that these are the things that I think about on a perfect gloomy day like this. I went back to the room now seeing my son still sound asleep. I’m running late though so I cannot stare for too long so I just gave him a kiss on the forehead being careful not to wake him up. I should know that sleeping is the best thing one can do — keeps your mind at peace for a couple of hours. I want him to sleep as much as he wants. Stay on dreamland my child.

While walking in the rain, I am surprised with how much thoughts occupied my head. Will my brain ever stop thinking about depressing stuff? With every step I take walking away from my house and away from my son, the more anxious I become. My son, ever since I had him, has always been my refuge when I am dealing with anxiety. Though he cannot understand yet what chaos is on my head, he still manages to calm the demons down. Being with him is like being sheltered from all the bad things the world can give you. I am still amazed with how much such little person can do to calm my heart. I often wonder what my life is right now if he’s not around. I might still be the same stern, stone-cold woman walking the busy streets, trying to cope with life. How can a person like me deserve such a precious gift? What have I done right? I often think — for now I am sure you know I think a lot — that I cannot give him the life he deserves.

I want to give my child a great life. I want to give him a place he can call home. Yes, a home. A home that I have always longed for to have. A home that can be his shelter, his strongest-hold, not just his house. And in that home, I want to give him a family, one that I never truly had.

Upon arriving at the office, my flow of thoughts stopped. Another day, another dollar. While preparing to face the office day ahead, I long to go back to my house, up in my room where a child is still asleep. My child, my son — my home.

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“NO ONE IS USELESS IN THIS WORLD WHO LIGHTENS THE BURDENS OF ANOTHER.” — CHARLES DICKENS

Just over a couple of months ago -- our company has established a project that encourages us to find our purpose and that idea hits us with the question of what our purpose is.

So we came up with an idea -- a purpose. We took our love for socks and used it to hopefully provide help to people in need and TheBiggestHeart.Org is born. One hundred percent of the proceeds that we will make will be donated to the charities we are supporting in the hopes that by doing this, we're helping them fight their battles -- One Pair of Socks at a Time.

Our Mission is to create an advocacy, and collaboration with amazing people to extend help that will be instrumental to a greater cause. We want to empower everyone that they can be an instrument of positivity, gratefulness, and  generosity to make this world a wonderful place to live in.

We believe that all of us have this passion to help others but somehow, we fail or find it hard to put that passion into action due to different reasons. Many people's stigma would be they do not have enough to spare -- time, money and what not.

Helping doesn't have to be grand, it just needs to be done whole-heartedly. It doesn't always need to be in cash or kind. Advocating for a charity you believe in or an organization that you support will go a long way.

I personally believe that everyone can be an instrument to spread love and positivity in their own little ways and we want to help empower them to do so. This has been our team's mind set. We hope it can be yours too.

We would like to team up with independent charity institutions and foundations to provide outreach programs, volunteer works, fundraising events and the like. We want to help everyone -- in all walks and forms of life -- who needs love and affection. You can visit our website at https://thebiggestheart.org/ or email us at thebiggestheart.org@gmail.com. 

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I am a spec of dust being carried by the strong winds in the midst of a wide universe.

Not knowing where it would take me, I do my best to stay intact despite the seemingly strong hurricane the that carries me. Not aware of what’s happening around me, I carry on every day with the same mentality that someday, this will end and that I will arrive at my destination and by then everything will make sense.

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Does it scare you that your son might grow up not knowing you exist?

People might think that I am being selfish for not wanting you to be a part of his life. Your family will definitely hate me for depriving them the chance to take care of your son. All people won’t understand, most people will judge the decisions I make but those are criticisms that I’ll gladly take because little do they know, I am just saving him. I am saving him from the emotional trauma of having to see his mother weep every night. I am saving him from the curses that will always escape your mouth, curses that he will sure pick up when he grows up. I am saving him from all the bad habits that he might learn from you. I am saving him from all the harsh comments that you will surely give him whenever he disappoints you, just like those you gave me. I am saving him from the demons that might hunt him the moment he sees that you are having an episode of your uncontrollable anger and wrath. I am saving him from all the negativity that you will surely pass onto him. I do not want my son to grow up like you. And I am sure as hell that one day, you’ll thank that I did what I did, because I know deep down you do not want your son to grow up like you too.

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That One Great Love.

Let me be the love you lost. The love that is most pure. The love you will always remember. Let my voice echo in your head like how the cries of the wolf echoes an empty tundra.  And my eyes the only thing you see when you close yours. Let my love still wrap you in its warmth, though we know my heart has turned cold. And though my touch has turned frail, let it still wring underneath your skin. You’d still remember the softness of my voice when I used to whisper words into your ears. Let my laugh be the laugh that rings in the nights when everything falls silent. Let your memory of me remind you of the great love you once had. And let that love guide you through the darkest days of your life. For my love for you will never die, like the flames of the Fire of Vesta, it will live forever.

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Here's to the fools who dream, Crazy as they may seem. Here's to the hearts that ache. Here's to the mess we make. - Mia. La La Land

I remember the scene where Mia and Sebastian saw each other at Sebastian’s Jazz Club. Those what-if looks in their eyes, both evisioning the what-could’ve-been scenarios if they haven’t parted ways. I remember that one final look they shared before the end credits, that bitter-sweet smile of both melancholy and acceptance.

Having you message me this, floods me with nostalgia and longing for some reason. It might be because watching this movie struck us with the reality that we’ll be in the same situation someday. Unfortunately, that someday came too soon. Like Mia and Sebastian, we’ve parted ways. The love we shared vanishing like the heat of fading embers.