not---meat

[not---meat]

Dying Star: Chapter 5: Give into the Fall

Pairing: Joel Miller x Bailey Lowes

Rating: A - Adult

Warnings: None

Summary: Joel comes to bitter realizations

Note: We are starting off years before the outbreak here. I'm thinking middle of 1999. We will have canon events in the future but for now lets get the ball rolling with establishing that sweet, awful relationship! As always there may be some historical inaccuracies but I'm going to do my best!!

MASTERLIST ---- DYING STAR MASTERLIST

She clung to his mind like a commercial jingle. He couldn’t understand why, Joel was hardly a romantic man. He hadn’t been one for years, hadn’t wanted or needed anyone since Sarah was born.

That’s what he told himself, at least. He thought he was content alone. Well, semi alone. He had Sarah and Tommy. He would always have Sarah and Tommy.

This was just a phase, he thought. A fleeting moment where his heart would race when he saw her. It would go away with time, with distance. It’s not like he could do anything anyway, no way for him to act on his indecent desires. She was too young for him, the daughter of his employer. Even if there was a chance that she felt the same way, it wouldn’t be possible.

Yet try as he did to block her out of his mind he still found himself looking for her in every crowd. He still found himself wondering how she was, worrying about her. The last time he saw her she looked so broken, a shell of the woman that he thought she was. She was good at putting up an act in front of an audience, he would give her that.

It wasn't just worry, though. Joel found himself inexplicitly drawn to her. Like a moth to a flame, Joel found himself gravitating toward her. When he did get the chance to see her he could feel the very fibers of his being longing for her. For her touch, her voice, her scent. There wasn't a thing about Bailey that Joel wasn't pulled toward.

Sometimes he hated it. He chastised himself for feeling such a way, for imagining her in scenarios that made his mind spin. He hated her at times. Hated how, by doing nothing, she seemed to make his entire world shift on it's axis.

It certainly didn't help that Sarah was fond of her. Sarah had seen pictures of her, talked to her, almost idolized her. There were times he wondered whether Sarah would be alright with him pursuing something with her but he would promptly stop those thoughts. Of course she wouldn't be okay with it. Just as he wasn't okay with it. It was a terrifying thought. He didn't want to put Sarah through the heartbreak of losing another person in her life.

So, even as Joel kept a watchful gaze on her from across the room at another gala that her mother had invited him to, he made the decision to keep his distance. Even if it hurt. Even if his entire body was screaming to get closer to her, even if his mind was torturing itself with worry about how she was feeling - truly feeling - he stood beside his brother and sipped his wine. It was for the better, he told himself, better for her and better for him and his daughter.

Even if it was eating him up inside to watch her stand, clad in a tight fitting black gown that he just knew that her mother had picked for her.

Her mother. Baileys mother was a whole other beast that he hadn't anticipated having to deal with. She was a horrible woman with little to no respect for her children. Charlotte Lowes didn't care for her children and it showed. While she would go on and on about them it was never truly about them. It was always about how good they behaved or looked at this event or what extracurricular they were doing to help her with her campaign.

She hardly spoke about Bailey. Joel could tell just from the tone she used when she did speak about her that Charlotte viewed Bailey as the thorn in her side. The black sheep. It frustrated him to no extent. It made him want to show the woman just how beautiful and tortured her daughter was. How could a parent be so blind to their child? He simply didn't understand it.

Joel wanted to ask about her. As he stood next to Charlotte, he wanted to ask her how Bailey was doing. He wanted to comment on the sadness in her eyes as she glanced toward them. God, how she looked like she would rather be anywhere else in the world. It pained him. What he wouldn't do to see her smile. What he wouldn't give to see genuine happiness in her expression. She looked so lost, standing there alone and sipping on her drink. He watched her interact with other people, watched the light leave her eyes more and more each time that she had to force a smile.

It became apparent to him in that moment that he didn't need to ask how she was doing. He could see it.

Suddenly the rule he made for himself seemed to mean absolutely nothing to him. Suddenly all of the reasons that he shouldn't talk to her were simple excuses, they had no ground to stand on. Not when she was suffering, not when he could help her. Everything in him wanted to help her, pull her out of her situation and put her into a better one.

It never occured to him that Tommy was looking at her too. Had he paid even a fraction of attention to his brother throughout their time at the gala he would have seen the way his brothers eyes had flicked over her body, the hunger. Had he paid attention to the shifting of his brothers body language he would have been able to predict his departure. Even when Tommy cut him off to excuse himself, Joel didn't think anything of it. It didn't even register until Tommy was in his line of sight… Standing next to Bailey.

His jaw clenched, fingers gripped onto the glass he held in his hand tighter. Her smile was fake, he knew it immediately, but her laugh wasn't.

Then there was the crinkle in her eyes, something Joel hadn't been able to draw out of her himself. He was certain that he could feel the glass in his hand cracking under his grip. Watching his brother make her smile, make her laugh. It wasn't until she rested her hand on Tommys chest while she was laughing that he pulled his gaze away. He couldn't watch another moment of it.

Joel retreated. He slammed his glass down on the bartop and moved toward the exit, unable to contain the rage that coursed through him.

He should be happy. This was what he wanted, wasnt it? Her to be happy? That was what he longed for, to see her smile, to hear her laugh… So why did it make him so incredibly angry to finally see it happening?

In an instant he knew that if Tommy somehow succeeded in getting her he would never forgive himself. He would be supportive, of course, it wasn't like he could exactly run up to them and pull Tommy away from her. He didn't have the right. But he knew that Tommy wasn't interested in her mind, her smile… He was interested in what she had to offer. He was interested in her body, her money, her mothers influence. It wasn't about Bailey… it was about what she could give him…

And he had a feeling that he would convince her to give it all to him under the false pretense of love.

[not---meat]

Dying Star: Chapter 4: I Want Something Soft

Pairing: Joel Miller x Bailey Lowes

Rating: A - Adult

Warnings: depression

Summary: Joel goes to Baileys apartment

Note: We are starting off years before the outbreak here. I'm thinking middle of 1999. We will have canon events in the future but for now lets get the ball rolling with establishing that sweet, awful relationship! As always there may be some historical inaccuracies but I'm going to do my best!!

MASTERLIST --- DYING STAR MASTERLIST

At least the apartment was clean. Bailey hadn't let it get too bad throughout the week. The worst of it really was the living area that she had temporarily called her bedroom, too emotionally drained to actually meander to her bedroom. Though there was still a piece of her that felt ashamed as she looked around her apartment. Waiting for Joel to arrive was torturous. Despite telling him a few times that she didn't need him to show up at her house he wasn't one to take no for an answer. Somehow he knew that she wasn't alright. Somehow he could tell just by the way that she texted him back that she was breaking inside.

Like a superpower. Joel knew that she needed him even when Bailey tried to tell herself that she didn't.

In the meantime, though, Bailey picked through her little sleeping area and at least made it seem less like she hadn't left her couch in a week. It still looked like she had been sleeping there but at least it didn't look like she had been doing everything there. God, she couldn't believe that this was the way that she lived. It almost felt as though she had stepped out of her own little bubble and finally saw what was happening to her. Not that it would matter. The clarity would be gone the moment she saw her mother next.

The buzzer made her jump. Heart in her throat, Bailey rang him in without saying a word, expecting him in just a few short minutes. She unlocked the door, expecting him to just walk in like everyone else in her life.

He didn't. Knuckles rapped against the door and Bailey had to gather the courage to turn the knob to let him in.

Nerves tingled, senses went wild. The moment that Joel was in her presence, Bailey was floating. Sawdust and pine surrounded her and coccooned her in familiar warmth. It dragged her from her mind and pulled her closer to him. Heart fluttering, mind in the clouds. She didn't catch what he said but nodded anyway.

"You sure?" His voice was a melody, the most beautiful song she had ever heard. It wasn't soft and sweet like her own, no, it was rough, hardened and gruff with a smooth edge that purred in her ears and set off all the synapses in her brain.

None of the other times that they had encountered each other had he made her feel such a was. Perhaps it was because it was public. Perhaps it was because normally her walls were built up so high that he couldn't peer over into her. This time he seeped into her bones and took over her senses. No walls. No protection. They floated over to the couch, sitting apart yet close enough that Bailey could feel the heat coming from his body.

The sensations that hit her were overwhelming. A woman obsessed much like she had been before. He had taken over her thoughts and there was no slipping back into normalcy now.

His gaze seemed to linger as if he were waiting for her to speak, to answer the question that Bailey had already forgotten. Eyes widened when she realized that she was completely lost in the one sided conversation they had been having. Joel seemed to know, the corner of his lip quirking up into a soft smile.

"It's alright, darlin'. I'm here." He spoke, the purr of his voice setting her soul on fire. He reached out to rest his hand on top of hers, a comforting gesture that rippled throughout her. Waves of fire that spread until her cheeks felt hot. Bailey had to pull away, pull into herself before she lost herself in the sensation of Joel.

"You didn't have to come." She spoke quietly, "I told you I'm alright."

A blatant lie and Bailey could see in the way his eyebrow twitched as if he were fighting himself from raising it and questioning her.

"I know you are." He replied, "I wasn't asking if you were alright. Was asking if you had coffee."

Bailey let out a soft breath, the word oh slipping from her mouth and she shook her head. Another smile crept onto Joels lips and he patted her knee before standing, stretching slightly.

"s'okay. There's a place not far. You up for some fresh air, darlin'?" He offered her his hand to help her off the couch, flexing his fingers and nodding when she didn't take it. "I'm not gonna bite ya, Bailey. Figure we are goin' to be spendin' a lot of time together so we may as well get used to each other."

Caution turned to confusion, curiosity, Bailey narrowed her eyes slightly and shook her head. "What are you talking about?"

"Your mother didn't tell you?" He questioned, slipping his hands into the pockets of his jeans, "Tommy n' I are working on some more stuff for town."

She nodded slowly, hanging off of his words like a bat from the roof of a cave. Eyebrows pinched together, his explanation not doing anything to quell the confusion within her.

"What does that have to do with me?" She asked, shifting in her seat, unconsciously taking up a defensive stance that Joel was not unaware of.

A placating smile, a soft huff of breath as he sank down next to her. "Well she's your mother. I know you ain't close with her but I doubt we will be seein' nothing of each other."

"If I have anything to do with it…" She started, trailing off and looking away. She didn't realize she was balling her hands into fists until Joel reached out, gently prying her fingernails from her palms.

"You have nothin to worry about, darlin'. I'm not gonna push you to talk to me." His voice was soft, gentle as if he were trying to relax her. It only spurred her on, making her retreat into herself further.

Joel saw. He noticed the way her walls up when he touched her, when he tried to be there for her. Bailey could see the frustration building behind his kind eyes and yet he stayed calm, collected. Years of practice having a daughter, he assumed. It almost felt fatherly the way he held her hands in his.

Bailey pulled away.

"You should go back to Sarah." She breathed out, eyes flicking up to meet his. "You shouldn't pay an arm and a leg for a babysitter for your daughter just to babysit me."

The regret was instant. The way Joels expression fell sent her head into a tizzy and as he retreated she wanted nothing more than to reach out and beg for forgiveness, beg him to stay.

The silence between them grew, Joel nodding his head in soft acceptance.

"You know where to find me." He spoke, a sense of finality in his words. Without another word he stood from his spot on the couch, making Bailey shift as he did so. She followed him to the door silently, offering a sad smile as he turned to look back at her.

"Don't do anything stupid, Bailey. If you need to talk, you talk to me. 'Kay?" He reached out, brushing fallen strands of hair away from her face. It took everything in Bailey to keep herself from leaning into his touch, from pulling herself into his embrace.

Where there was so much want and need for him, there was also hesitation and fear. He could destroy her if she gave him the chance.

She wouldn't give him that chance.

NEXT CHAPTER

Taglist: @orcasoul @somedayheaven

[not---meat]

Dying Star: Chapter 3: Listen To Me

Pairing: Joel Miller x Bailey Lowes

Rating: A - Adult

Warnings: Mental Health, Mentions of Suicide, Emotional Abuse

Summary: Bailey finds herself in a rabbit hole. Joel contacts her.

Note: We are starting off years before the outbreak here. I'm thinking middle of 1999. We will have canon events in the future but for now lets get the ball rolling with establishing that sweet, awful relationship! As always there may be some historical inaccuracies but I'm going to do my best!!

MASTERLIST --- DYING STAR MASTERLIST

Another day. Blinding light shot through the small gap between the curtains of the living room windows, shattering Baileys dreams and sending a searing red over her eyelids. She wasn't sure why she had decided to fall asleep on the couch rather than make the short trip to her bedroom. It just seemed like too big of a task the night before.

Bailey honestly couldn't remember much of the night before. It had all become a blur. It wasn't because of intoxication or inebriation, it was simply because lately the nights had blurred together, as did days and weeks. Her older brother was out of town and, as per usual, her mother only contacted her when she needed something or to make sure that she was still alive. Not because her mother truly cared, of course. It was just to make sure she didn't do anything reckless before the next big event. What peril it would be if the mayors daughter decided to off herself just before a big gathering. How horrible it would be if she weren't able to flaunt off her only daughter.

Honestly Bailey didn't even know what time it was. It certainly wasn't early in the day. The sun rose on the other side of her apartment building. Light wouldn't have poured into the window so violently if it were morning. Bailey assumed it was mid day. Thats why the sun was being so incredibly aggressive.

She shifted, wanting to just roll over and forget about everything. To nestle into the fabric of her couch cushions and pretend, even for a moment, that she didn't actually exist and that all of this was just a terrible, awful dream.

The thunk of her very dead phone pulled her away from those happy thoughts of hers. No imagining that she were someone else somewhere else now. The realization that her cellphone was likely dead brought a groan to her lips. If someone had tried to check in on her and she didn't respond within a few hours someone would show up at her house and Bailey certainly didn't want that.

So rather than falling into her melancholy, Bailey sat up and retrieved her phone from the ground, double checking to make sure it was actually dead before fishing around the couch for her charging cord. She plugged it in and pushed off of the cushions, deciding that if she was up anyway she would at least have a bowl of cereal so she could have some energy while attempting to act like a grown adult.

The idea of dirtying a dish stopped her, though. The very last thing that she wanted to do was dishes. She didn't have enough spoons for that. Not today. Rather than bothering with all of that nonsense, she grabbed one of the random menus off of her countertop and glanced over it, already knowing what she would order without having to truly think about it. She shifted through the kitchen and picked up the landline that she rarely ever used aside from ordering delivery.

By the time she was done ordering her food she could hear the chime of her cellphone going off in the livingroom. The vibrations of multiple texts coming through shaking her phone off of the seat of the couch and making it plummet to the ground. Bailey sighed and set down her landline, heading to the livingroom to pick up the small device.

The messages were the typical few. A few from her mother making sure that she was alive and reminding her of the upcoming events that she was needed for, two from her older brother who was also checking in however his messages were laced with far more compassion than her mothers. The last message, though, made Bailey take pause. It was an unknown number.

It didn't take a rocket scientist for her to figure out who it was messaging her. The text was simple, an introduction.

'Hi its joel.'

Bailey was almost tempted to delete the text, forget that it had even come across her and feign ignorance if she was asked about it. However a nagging feeling in the pit of her stomach stopped her. This was what she wanted, wasn't it? This is what she hoped for? That he would notice her?

Bailey rolled her eyes and tossed her phone aside as she plopped down onto her sofa, pulling a knee up to her chest. She turned on her TV, letting whatever was on just play while she stared at the wall lost in her thoughts. She tried to focus on anything else, tried to think about how un excited she was for the next event.

Will Joel be there?

She tried to think about what she needed to pick up from the grocery store the next time she went, trying to make a list.

Maybe I'll see Joel again.

Then it was thoughts about going on a walk to clear her mind.

I could pass by the construction site. Maybe he's there.

Finally it was the dark thoughts. It was the longing to be anywhere but there, thinking about how she wished she didn't exist. How useless she was and how nobody truly wanted her.

Maybe Joel wants me. Would Joel be sad if I left? If I had never been here to begin with I never would have met him.

The bell rang, intercom sputtering as the delivery person informed her that he was there. Bailey made her way to the intercom and buzzed him him, waiting for the knock at her door. There was no small talk, just an exchange of cash and food. At this point most of the delivery people in the area knew that she didn't want to talk to them and seemed to respect her wishes. At least there was that.

Once again Bailey plopped down onto her sofa. She ignored her cellphone and dug into her food, focusing on the show that was playing on the TV and hoping that it would keep her mind from wandering. She hated that she felt this way, that she had to distract her mind in order to keep herself from wondering about him. Never in her life had she felt this way about another person. It terrified her.

By the time Bailey had finished picking through her food, her show had ended. She decided to give her mother and her brother their obligatory phone calls to let them know that she was indeed alive. Her mother yapped for a while, going on and on about how she needed to take better care of herself and make sure to keep in contact with people. Her mother chastised her for having to give her reason to check in and told her that if she did it again she would go back to the psych ward.

It was all ridiculous and Bailey knew it. Empty threats, really. Bailey was an adult and her mother technically had no power over her. Though… that wouldn't stop her from pulling strings and having her committed if she really wanted to. Bailey knew that. But she also knew that her mother wouldn't want the press that came with it.

The sun had begun to set by the time she was off the phone. Rather than falling asleep on the couch again, Bailey shifted to her bedroom. She curled up on her bed, pulling her stuffed animal close as she tried to force herself to sleep. It didn't work. All she could do was stare at the wall and wonder. The demons in her mind ran rampant.

She wasn't sure why she did it. It was getting far too late for it to make any sense. Hours had passed, almost a full day, since he had messaged her and yet…

"Hello?" His voice came through from the other end of the line, gruff and sleepy as if he were just about to fall asleep.

"Hey. Sorry. Is this a good time?" She spoke softly, aching for him to say yes.

"Bailey?"

"Oh… Yeah… I guess I should have lead with that, sorry."

"No. It's alright. You don't have to apologize. Are you okay? It's late."

"Yeah- Yes. I'm… I'm okay." She lied through her teeth, hoping it was convincing enough. There was silence on the other end of the line. A shimmer of worry ran through her. "Joel?"

"Do you want me to come over?"

NEXT CHAPTER

Taglist: @orcasoul

[not---meat]

Paradise: Chapter 14: To Always Think Of You

Pairing: Javier Peña x McKenzie Martel

Rating: A - Adult

Warnings: Angst, Mental Health, Fluff

Summary: McKenzie works on healing. Javier explains how he feels.

Note: I apologize in advance for any historical inaccuracies. We are in the mid to late 90's now woooo. Officially after the events of season 3 of Narcos! -- I'm so incredibly sorry that this took me so long to get out!

MASTERLIST --- PARADISE MASTERLIST

"And how did that make you feel?" The womans voice chimed out. McKenzie had been rambling for what felt like forever, trying to explain her though processes as she relived the events of her past. Her and Javier mostly, seeing that she was there to push past the trauma and better herself.

That was all the woman ever said, though. How did that make you feel? It almost felt as if she wasn't actually listening to what McKenzie had to say and only sat across from her in her plush seat, twirling her pen between her fingers, because she was paid to do so.

"Broken." McKenzie replied. She was trying. McKenzie was trying so incredibly hard to do better and be better because she knew at the end of the day that would fix her. If she could be fixed, that was.

The woman just nodded, eyes trained on the paper in front of her as she jotted down notes on the pad in front of her. In the two sessions that McKenzie had been to she had noticed a pattern. Notes, twirling, a small comment here or there, but aside from that it was Kenzie who had to make the first move. In the back of her mind she wondered if she would be able to just sit in silence with the woman. She wondered if the woman would even say a word about it. At the end of the day she would still be paid.

"When Javier left it felt like my heart was being ripped in half. I felt… numb after a while. Like… there was nothing that I could do to make the pain go away so I just got used to it…."

The end of the session couldn't have come any sooner. A curt not on the way out of the room and down the stairs McKenzie flew, eager to slide into the passenger seat of Javiers truck. He had insisted on picking her up just in case one of the sessions had broken her. He drove her there and drove her back to the ranch.

The ranch had become her home away from home. Still too terrified to go back to her apartement alone, McKenzie practically took over Javiers bedroom. At first he had insisted on sleeping on the couch but after the first week he relented. Working on the ranch and sleeping on the lumpy couch in Chuchos livingroom only brough backache and exhaustion.

Kenzie didn't mind. The two of them had shared a bed before. Though the last time they had shared one they were still teenagers and it was more so to comfort McKenzie after something traumatic had happened. Kenz couldn't even remember what it was that had lead to him holding her like that all throughout the night. It couldn't have been that bad if she couldn't remember what it was and honestly she was thankful that it had. Being in Javiers arms was the highest comfort in the world to her.

It was different, though, the way they shared the bed every night. Seperate blankets, seperate pillows. Even though there was still that spark and they both knew where they stood, there was no intimacy. It frustrated her. They were both finally in a place where they could love one another without any boundaries and Javier was once again pushing her away.

Of course Kenzie wasn't about to fight him on it. There wasn't a single piece of her that wanted to fight him again. She was far more afraid of losing him than frustrated that he wouldn't touch her or hold her. Instead she waited. Hoping every night for the past week that it would finally be the night that he made the first move. That he would pull her close. That he would kiss her, hold her, show her that he loved her.

Yet when the night fell it was always the same.

'Goodnight Kenzie.'

' Goodnight Javier.'

The light would flick off and they would be left in the darkness. McKenzie would often roll onto her side to face away from him just in case he decided to roll over. She stayed awake for a long time, just listening to the soft sounds of his breathing coming and going. She would focus on it, let it lull her to sleep and relax her. It reassured her that he was there, that he wasn't going anywhere and she wouldn't be alone again.

Yet there was always that fear in the pit of her stomach that she would wake up and he would be gone again. That he would walk away from her again without saying a word. Another ten years of silence. It terrified her that she had allowed him to wiggle his way into her life again and left her vulnerable to the pain that it would inevitably bring when he pushed her away again.

"You're quiet today." Javier spoke as he turned onto the gravel road that lead to the ranch. "Was the session okay?"

McKenzie looked over at him, not realizing that she had been staring off into the distance for majority of the drive. "Yeah. I'm alright. Just a little tired."

Javier nodded slowly, eyes trained on the road as he drove. "You know you can tell me about it too. I'm not going to be upset, Kenz. I'm here for you."

"Yeah… I know I'm just… Trying to uhm… keep you out of it, I guess. Besides… you already know everything that we are talking about so…" She trailed off, looking out the passenger side window, afraid to meet his eyes.

"Ah." Javier breathed, letting them fall into silence for the rest of the trip. He pulled into his parking spot, wordlessly shutting off the truck and slipping out of his seat. McKenzie watched as he rounded the truck and opened the door for her, offering a hand to help her down. Of course Kenzie took his help with no hesitation. It was the closest thing she got to intimacy from him. His hand in hers when he was helping her.

It was driving her wild.

Still, she followed him into the house and hung up her jacket and bag. Silently they went through their motions, heading off to do their own things for a few moments before meeting up in the livingroom to relax.

"Javi." She started, eyes trained on her fingertips as she fiddled with the bracelet on her wrist.

"Hm?" He hummed, still focused on the television set in front of him. When she didn't respond right away, Javier peeled his eyes away from his show, looking over at Kenzie. A slight flicker of worry in his eyes as he shifted and lifted her chin with a finger. "What's wrong, Kenz?"

Kenzie let out a shaken breath, eyes flicking up to meet his as she tried to find the right words to say. "Are we… okay?" She whispered, eyebrows pinching together slightly as her eyes flitted between his.

"Yeah? Of course we are, babygirl. Why?" Javier tilted his head. His hand moved from her chin to brush away pieces of her hair and rest on her cheek, holding her in place so she wouldn't look away. When she was silent he let out a breath, leaning closer toward her. "Tell me what's going on in that beautiful head."

McKenzie captured her lip between her teeth, still unsure how she wanted to word her question. She wanted to know what was wrong. She needed to know why his touches had been so… chaste. Almost as if he didn't want her the way that she though he did.

"C'mon, hermosa. Talk to me. What's wrong?" Javier cooed, caressing her cheekbone with the pad of this thumb. "You can tell me. I won't be upset."

She let out a deep breath, eyes softening as she stared up at him, taking in the concern in his eyes. He was such a caring man. Such a deep heart that, although it had hardened over the years, was still full of gold.

"You haven't… touched me." She whispered, feeling like a touch starved child. "We sleep together yet we don't actually sleep together and I'm just… Did I do something wrong?"

Javiers eyes widened. He shifted in his seat, inching closer to her. "No. Baby, no. No it's nothing that you've done. I just don't want to push you."

"But I told you that I want you to touch me and you still won't." McKenzie countered. "You won't even hold me, Javs."

Javier just stayed silent, eyes narrowing slightly, eyebrows pinching together as he shook his head in almost defeat. "Kenzie… It's not because I don't want to. Hermosa, I want to. I want you. I just don't want to do anything you aren't ready for." "But I am ready, Javs. I've been ready. I… I want you too I-"

Javier shook his head again, "No. Kenz." He cut her off, cupping her face in his hands. "Listen to me. Hear me. I don't want to do something you aren't ready for. I don't want to move too fast through this, McKenzie. It's already too much that you sleep in my bed and live in my house. I want you to heal first, babygirl. I want you to be ready." He traced his thumbs along her cheekbones, eyes flicking from her eyes to her lips and back. "The day I get to have you? That will be the happiest day of my life but I need you to be ready because… Babygirl, I'm not holding back. I want all of you."

Kenzie just stared at him, feeling as though the breath had been knocked from her chest. "All of me?"

"All of you." Javier nodded, "Every single piece of you that you'll give me. Hermosa… when I said that I'm all in I meant it. You're it for me. I'm not going to rush this. I'm not going to let sex become the driving force between us. You're my Cradle to Grave and I'm not fucking it up this time." Javier leaned into her, pressing a gentle kiss on her forehead. "We are going slow." He muttered against her skin. "Because the day I ask you to marry me I want to already know the answer without a doubt."

[not---meat]

Paradise: Chapter 13: In And Out Of Your Mind

Pairing: Javier Peña x McKenzie Martel

Rating: A - Adult

Warnings: Angst, domestic violence, domestic abuse, fluff, mental health (mentioned)

Summary: McKenzie wakes up in Javiers bed.

Note: I apologize in advance for any historical inaccuracies. We are in the mid to late 90's now woooo. Officially after the events of season 3 of Narcos! -- I'm so incredibly sorry that this took me so long to get out!

MASTERLIST --- PARADISE MASTERLIST

Sunlight seeped through the cracks in the blinds, lighting up the bedroom that Kenzi was far too familiar with. The shadows on the walls were comforting, bringing her into a sense of home. Kenzi could hear the sounds of dishes clinking from the kitchen. More likely than not Chucho getting ready for the day. A light chatter bounced off of the walls, conversation that Kenzi couldn’t quite make out but surrounded her with warmth. It brought her back to her childhood and launched her into a sense of nostalgia that calmed the very essence of her being.

Rather than getting up right away, McKenzie let the comfort of being back in one of her childhood homes lull her. She curled up underneath Javiers covers, breathing in the lingering scent of his cologne. There was still that gnawing pain in the pit of her heart when she thought of him. The years had been cruel but… they weren't children anymore. Kenzie knew that this grudge that she was holding against him was childish and pointless, that they both just needed to grow up and either move on from each other or move on with each other.

Something had to give.

The bedroom door creaked as Javier crept into the room. The scent of freshly brewed coffee wafted into McKenzies nose and she slowly peered out from behind the covers. She saw the pain in Javiers eyes the moment that he caught her glance. The pain hadn't hit her until she saw him. Throbbing and pulsating around her eye… it was heart wrenching for Kenzie to admit to herself that she had grown used to that sensation. The pain.

"Did you sleep well?" Javier asked quietly, cautiously moving toward her as if she were a frightened animal. He didn't want to hurt her and she knew that. She knew that was the reason he was being so hesitant.

McKenzie nodded her head, slowly sitting up. The blanket pooled around her waist as it slid down her body. "Fine." She replied, her voice a hoarse whisper thanks to not only the events of the night before and the sleep that still flowed through her.

Javier carefully sat on the edge of the bed next to her and passed her the coffee cup, taking on the burden of holding onto the scorching hot ceramic so that she could grab onto the handle. "I'm glad you're okay."

"Thanks." She replied, still whispering. Kenzie took a small sip of her coffee and let out a soft sigh, eyes once again flipping up to meet the gaze that had never left her face. "Is it bad?"

"It's not great but… I think you'll be okay. You don't feel woozy, do you?" Javier asked, absentmindedly reaching out. He stopped himself, hand hanging in the air for a moment before falling back down to rest in his lap. All McKenzie could do was watch his movements and wish that he had committed.

Instead of speaking her thoughts out loud, however, she let her gaze move to the coffee cup as she took another sip. The warm liquid burned in the most pleasant ways. Grounding her as his presence sent her soaring. His concern made bubbles of longing to swim throughout her. As much as she loved Haile… There would always be that bit of her that loved Javier.

"You can touch me, you know." She whispered after a few moments of silence between them, wanting to reassure him that she wasn't going anywhere.

Javier nodded slowly, shifting closer to her, making her grasp onto her coffee cup a little firmer so it didn't spill when she bed shifted under his weight. "I don't want to hurt you, Kenz. I don't want to do anything you don't want to do."

"And what if I told you that I wanted you to do it?" She whispered, eyes flicking up from her coffee once again. She shifted, setting the mug down onto the nightstand beside her. "What if I asked you to?"

"That's… Kenz…" Javier breathed, shaking his head. "I'm not going to be that person for you."

His words made her pause, eyebrows pinched together in a mixture of confusion and frustration. "What do you mean?"

"I mean I'm not going to be the person that you fall into because you're hurting, Kenzie. That's not who I want to be for you. I'll be your friend but… I'm not going to be the man that you use to break the bond between you and… her."

McKenzie nodded slowly, turning her head and looking at the wall behind him. She willed herself to stay calm, to read between the lines and force herself to understand what he was saying. He didn't want to be a rebound. He didn't want it to mean nothing.

"Kenzie, baby, look at me." Javier sighed, reaching out to rest a gentle knuckle to her chin and guide her head to face him again. "I am not going to be a fling for you. I'm not going to be a one night or one week or one month. I'm in this. You're it for me, Kenz, and you aren't ready for that. That's fine. I'll wait as long as you need me to."

The all too familiar sensation of tears pricked at her eyes, a lump formed in her throat as she stared up at him. Kenzie took in every word he said, absorbing it like a sponge. This was what she had always wanted and yet now that she had it she couldn't force away the slivers of fear that grappled her. Ice cold shots of doubt shot through her veins and although he sounded genuine, McKenzie couldn't help but worry that he was just speaking pretty words. After all he had promised not to leave her before and he did.

She couldn't speak, couldn't even fully meet his eyes as she blinked away the emotions that overwhelmed her. She tried to tell herself that they were just sweet nothings, that he was just trying to make her feel better. However the way his hand slowly dropped to rest on her knee told a different story. The way his thumb slowly traced along her covered skin in an act of soothing pulled at her heart and sent a whole new wave of emotion through her.

There was no doubt that McKenzie loved Javier and that Javier loved McKenzie. But could they really move forward after all that they had been through?

"I love you, Javier." McKenzie whispered, slowly looking up at him. Eyes met eyes. Those deep brown eyes that were always so full of emotion, so intense at times and yet whenever they met hers they were softened. As if just her glance alone could disarm him completely.

"I know." He replied, his voice equally as soft. "I love you too, McKenzie." He moved closer, reaching out to take her fiddling hands into his and hold them in between them. "And I will continue to love you, Kenz. I will… but you need help, baby. You need help that… I can't give you." Javier let go of one of her hands to brush tnagled curls from her face. He hooked them behind her ear and rested his palm against her cheek. "I'm here for you every step of the way but I can't give you the help you need and I can't force you to get that help."

Tears once again filled her eyes as she stared up at him, listening to him. She knew he was right yet she hated every second of it. "Javi…"

"No. Babygirl… Listen to me. Please? Just…" Javier sighed and hung his head, shaking it gently. "I'm too fucked up to be able to give you what you need. I can't help you the way you need to be helped, Kenz. Fuck I… I'm going to be here but I know that there is something dark and twisty going on in there and I need you to be okay. You hear me? I need you to be okay because I can't lose you again." Javier lifted his head, eyes meeting hers once again. "I will not lose you again, McKenzie."

Kenzie shifted, holding his hand against her face, gently stroking her thumb against his knuckles. "You won't. Cradle to Grave, Javier. You're stuck with me until the end of time and even then some."

NEXT CHAPTER

[not---meat]

Dying Star: Chapter 2: Down Feathers Over Rocks

Pairing: Joel Miller x Bailey Lowes

Rating: A - Adult

Warnings: None

Summary: Joel finds Bailey and tries to talk.

Note: We are starting off years before the outbreak here. I'm thinking middle of 1999. We will have canon events in the future but for now lets get the ball rolling with establishing that sweet, awful relationship! As always there may be some historical inaccuracies but I'm going to do my best!!

MASTERLIST ---- DYING STAR MASTERLIST

After the meeting in the grocery store, Bailey started to notice him around town more. Infrequent visits to different shops that she always seemed to bump into him in. Grocery stores, fast food restaurants, supply stores, it seemed almost wherever she went she saw him there. Almost as if he were following her and yet every time their gazes met there was surprise in his eyes. Like it was the first time he saw her, those deep brown eyes soft and staring into her soul as if he was trying to put together the puzzle that she was.

Bailey found herself wondering about him. Wondering where she would run into him next, wondering if she would talk to him. Wondering whether he would talk to her. Most of the time it was a smile and a nod, a simple gesture to acknowledge that he had seen her.

Then it was on walks with her brother, the few times that he managed to drag her out of the house. The familiar sound of his voice, ordering someone around. The sound of his laugh as they walked by a construction site, her eyes flickering about the different men she saw working there, searching for him.

Suddenly she started to feel like a lost puppy searching for her owner. She didn't know when it started but she started to seek out his eyes in every person she interacted with. Almost as if she craved his gaze. Almost as if she wanted him to see her.

Of course it was wishful thinking. The man that she had met would want nothing to do with her. Nobody wanted anything to do with her, not even her own brother wanted anything from her. Of course her mother wanted her but only for appearance. She didn't truly want her she just wanted her to pretend to be someone that she wasnt… or at least something that she wasn't.

Happy. Excited. Content.

None of which Bailey felt on a day to day. Suddenly seeing Joel had become the only thing that brought that flicker of joy into her heart. But it was just that, a flicker. There was nothing more there and slowly it became duller.

Suddenly when her eyes met his from across the grocery store, they looked away. There was no use in bothering to pursue something she knew she couldn't have. It wasn't like they ever spoke to each other anyway.

Bailey fell back into her normalcy. Sitting at home, only going out when she absolutely needed something and even then neglecting to go out unless she absolutely had to. Long hair pulled out of her face with a ponytail after days of neglecting it. Occasionally she would brush it before putting it right back up. It didn't matter.

The only reason she went out that day was for her mother. Another special event for some building that Bailey couldn't care less about. The only reason she was there was to keep up the appearance of the happy family that her mother so desperately tried to keep up. Forcing her to wear the pretty black dress that hugged her curves. Blue accents that brought out the colour of her eyes. Something her mother picked to make her look pretty as if she were trying to get some rich man to take interest in her.

Yet the only eyes that Bailey truly felt were the eyes of the man that had been on her mind for months. Dark and mysterious with a little glimmer that kept her head on a swivel as she searched for him throughout the event. The gathering afterwards where she held a glass of some sort of sweet wine that she barely touched.

She could feel his gaze but she could never find it in the crowded room try as she did. It made her wonder if he sought her out the way she sought out him.

Yet she never saw him. She heard his voice, his laughter, heard his name on her mothers lips as she talked about him with someone else but she never saw him. Like a cruel joke being played on her, Bailey sought out the freedom of the nights air as she stepped out of the building. The drink still in her hands as she leaned against the cool stone of the building. She set it down on the railing, no longer interested in the sickly sweet substance.

"Nice night, isn't it?" A voice called out, coming from the doorway of the venue. Bailey turned to see who it had come from, her breath hitching slightly when he saw him.

"Yeah." She replied, trying to seem nonchalant about it all. She turned back to the railing, suddenly feeling the need to down her drink.

Slowly he made his way over to her, the door latching shut as he stepped toward the railing and leaned against it beside her. Bailey grabbed her drink, wrapping her fingers tightly around it while trying to hide the nervousness his closeness brought her.

"Your mother speaks pretty highly of you." He tried again, seemingly wanted to delve into a conversation with her despite never having approached her willingly before. "She says you're quite the artist."

"Not really." Bailey replied, sipping on her drink and wordlessly willing that he would just walk away. "She likes to talk a lot. I'm not that special."

Joel chuckled, turning ever slightly to face her. She could feel his eyes on her, looking her up and down for a moment. "I've noticed. It's pretty hard to get away from her once she gets going. Must be quite the hassle being her daughter."

Baileys eyes flickered over, taking him in for a minute. The tussle of his hair, the overgrown stubble along his jaw. She felt her heart beginning to race and looked away again, sipping her drink and holding onto it like a lifeline.

"She's… my mom." Bailey replied finally, looking out at the cool nights sky, trying to find a reason to stay, trying to find a reason not to end the conversation then and there and be rid of the hold he had on her with his gaze alone.

"I make you nervous." Joel spoke, twiddling his fingers over the side of the railing, "I promise I don't bite. Not all that scary, just a guy tryna do the right thing, you know?"

"The right thing?" Bailey questioned, looking over at him, "This is the right thing?"

"Haven't seen you in a while. Thought I'd… you know… catch up. Make sure you're alright. Uhh that headache and all?"

It was a pathetic attempt and yet it still brought out the smallest of smiles from Baileys lips.

"Right. Yeah. The headache. It's good. I.. I got my advil still so. I'm good. Thanks, though." She glanced up at him then, watching the corners of his lips tug up into a smile.

Joel rubbed at the back of his neck, letting out a breath as he tried to find something else to say, something to push the conversation forward.

"Thanks for checking in, Joel." Bailey spoke, deciding that she had had enough. "It's… nice… of you to think of me, I mean."

"Anytime, Bailey." Joel replied, nodding his head softly, "Maybe I can check in on you again… uh… coffee maybe?"

Bailey took in a deep breath, chewing the inside of her cheek for a moment. She fiddled with her bracelets, trying to find any reason she could to say no.

"Yeah. Okay. Coffee. Uhm… I'll let you know." She turned then, making her way back into the venue before he had the chance to say anything else. She didn't want him having access to her, she didn't want to give him the chance to ask for her number or try to find a way to contact her. They way she saw it, she could let him think that she would get in touch and eventually he would forget about the whole thing.

NEXT CHAPTER

[not---meat]

Dying Star: Chapter 1: Invasive Weeds

Pairing: Joel Miller x Bailey Lowes

Rating: A - Adult

Warnings: None

Summary: Bailey and Joel officially meet.

Note: We are starting off years before the outbreak here. I'm thinking middle of 1999. We will have canon events in the future but for now lets get the ball rolling with establishing that sweet, awful relationship! As always there may be some historical inaccuracies but I'm going to do my best!!

MASTERLIST ---- DYING STAR MASTERLIST

Out of milk. Again. Out of cereal. Again. The cupboards of Baileys apartment were empty. Everything in her wanted to just go back to bed and curl up. It wouldn't have been the first time that she was out of food but her brother was out of town for the week and she didn't want to go through the hassle of asking her mother - or god forbid her eldest brother - to grab her groceries and bring them by.

No. Bailey was a big girl. She could do it herself. It wouldn't be the end of the world if she had to go outside for an hour, right?

Wrong.

The moment Bailey left her house she immediately regretted it. It was too bright. Too much. She pulled her hood over her head, hiding away from the world as she walked through the grocery store in search for the pharmacy aisle to find the Tylenol she so desperately needed to nurse away the headache that had been pounding at her head since the moment she woke up.

With a groan, Bailey leaned her head against one of the shelves, closing her eyes. She pulled off the hood of her sweater and smoothed out her straight black hair. Oceanic eyes that bordered on grey flitted upwards toward the LED lights that flickered above her head. She wanted to go home.

It was then that she felt the tug at the sleeve of her sweater. Baileys gaze darted over to a little girl no older than eight or nine. Admiration in the girls deep brown eyes as she stared up at Bailey with wonder.

"You're the girl in the red dress!" The little girl exclaimed, a goofy grin growing on her lips. Bailey stared down at her, confused for a moment, before the lightbulb hit. The paparazzi photo. The red dress.

"Yeah." Bailey murmured, "Yeah that's me, and you are?"

"Sarah. My name is Sarah."

"Cool, Sarah, where are your parents?"

"Oh." Sarah turned to point down the aisle, "My dad is over the-" Her words were cut off by an older man, calling out her name and jogging to where they stood. Baileys eyes flickered upward to him, taking in the matching brown eyes. His jaw littered with overgrown stubble. She could smell the sawdust and pine emitting from him the moment he got to them.

"I'm so sorry, ma'am." He breathed, taking Sarah's hand, "I'm not sure what's gotten into her today. She-" The man looked up at Bailey, his eyes meeting hers as he cut himself off. "Oh. Miss Lowes. I'm sorry I didn't recognize you."

It took a moment for Bailey, her eyes flickering about his face as she tried to guage where she knew him from. It wasn't surprising to her that he knew her. As much as she tried to hide away there would always be somebody.

Seeing the confusion in her eyes, the man held out a calloused hand toward her, offering her a small smile.

"Joel Miller." He introduced himself, "We met a week ago at the celebration for the new library that my brother and I-" He cleared his throat, pulling his hand back when she refused to take it. "Anyway. I'm sorry about Sarah. She's hopped up on sugar, I think."

Bailey just blinked a few times, her eyes flickering down to the bottle of Advil in his hands. She pointed a finger at it, the long, pointy black fingernail poking out from the overgrown sleeve of her sweater.

"Where did you find that?" She asked, her eyes flickering back up to meet his.

A small smile danced along Joels lips and he nodded his head for her to follow him. He grabbed Sarahs hand with his free hand and started to walk back down the aisle with Bailey following behind a few paces back. He led her to the pharmacy aisle and nodded toward the Advil on the shelf before glancing over at Bailey.

"Hope this is a good payment for my daughter bugging you." He joked lightly, that same smile trickled across his lips.

Bailey just shrugged as she reached for the Advil and put it into her basket. "It's not a problem. She wasn't actually being a bother. Just surprised me, is all."

Sarah tilted her head, looking up at her father with a goofy smile. "See dad?" She chirped, "I told you she would be so nice."

In response Joel just sighed and offered his daughter a small smile, "Doesn't make it right, kiddo. You should apologize to miss Lowes."

Bailey crinkled her nose, shaking her head slightly, "No. It's okay. Uhm… It's Bailey, by the way. Miss Lowes is my mother. Just Bailey is fine."

"Okay." Joel breathed, "Sarah, apologize to Bailey."

As Sarah opened her mouth to speak, Bailey shook her head again. "No. It's alright. There's nothing to apologize for. She's just being a kid. It's really not a problem, Joel."

Once again Sarah tilted her head to look up at Joel, her eyes wide an curious to see how her father would react. Joel just grinned and shrugged, obviously not in the mood to argue.

"The lady has spoken, then." He joked, gesturing to the nearly empty basket in Baileys hand, "That's an awfully big basket for a bottle of Advil."

Baileys eyes flickered from the basket up to him, a flush rising to her cheeks. She was confused. Why was he trying to engage in conversation with her? What did he expect from her? Want from her? She wasn't about to question him, though, instead just shrugging his comment off.

"It was the first thing on my list, I guess." She mumbled, looking away. She wanted to get out of this interaction as soon as possible.

Almost as if he could sense her discomfort, Joel let out a breath, looking down at his daughter for a moment before placing another small smile on his lips.

"Alright. Well. Enjoy your shopping then, miss Lowes." He said, gently tugging on Sarah's arm to lead her away.

Bailey's gaze snapped toward Joel, a pit of frustration building in her stomach. "Bailey." She corrected him.

Joel glanced over his shoulder and chuckled, "Right. Bailey. Have a good rest of your day, Bailey." He nodded before turning off, leading Sarah back down the aisle.

Bailey stoof there a moment, awkwardly twiddling her fingers. She let out a frustrated sigh and twirled on her heel, stalking down the aisle in the opposite direction. She wandered about, looking for a quick meal for dinner. She grabbed herself a frozen pizza then gathered the last of her groceries, narrowly avoiding bumping into Joel and Sarah again at the dairy section.

There was no avoiding them, however, when they stood behind her in the queue for the checkout. They didn't even notice her at first, talking amongst each other as Sarah went on and on about soccer. It brought a small smile to Baileys face as she listened to the two of them banter.

Bailey loaded her things onto the checkout line, sighing softly as she absentmindedly let her mind wander. There was a tug on the sleeve of her sweater again and Bailey's gaze moved to the small girl at her side. She held up the bottle of Advil, a small smile on her lips.

"You dropped this." Sarah spoke, how voice soft and sweet.

Bailey offered Sarah a gentle smile as she took the Advil from the girl and set it next to the jug of milk. "Thanks Sarah." Bailey spoke, her eyes flickering from Sarah to Joel and Sarah excitedly turned to her father.

"She remembered my name!" Sarah whispered rather loudly up to her father, gaining a gentle chuckle from Joel. He tousled Sarahs spiraly brown hair and nodded.

"She sure did, kiddo. Bailey seems awfully nice, doesn't she?" He spoke with a smile, his eyes shimmering as he glanced up at Bailey. Another soft flush his her cheeks and she turned away, moving along in the line. She stayed quiet as the lady at the checkout scanned her items, occasionally glancing over at Joel who hadn't really stopped looking at her. As she grabbed her things and got ready to leave, she nodded over at Joel and Sarah politely. "See you around." She spoke, turning quickly to head out of the grocery store. As she loaded her things into the trunk of her car, Bailey let her mind wander to Joel and how, for reasons unknown to her, his eyes had never left her.

NEXT CHAPTER

[not---meat]

Paradise: Chapter 12: Falling To Pieces

Pairing: Javier Peña x McKenzie Martel

Rating: A - Adult

Warnings: Angst, domestic violence, domestic abuse

Summary: Javier takes Kenzi home.

Note: I apologize in advance for any historical inaccuracies. We are in the mid to late 90's now woooo. Officially after the events of season 3 of Narcos!

MASTERLIST --- PARADISE MASTERLIST

Steam rose from the coffee cup between her hands. A mind so troubled, it drifted away from her, wandering off into the depths of her being as shye waited for him to speak. To say something. Anything. McKenzie knew the peril that he was facing. She had seen it on his face the moment he saw her. The way that he reacted when she winced away from his touch.

They sat in silence for a while, his eyes scanning over her, taking in the bruises, taking in the split in her lip and her tear stained cheek.

"I don't understand, Kenz." He whispered, "How did you let it go this far?"

The emotion in his voice told the story of the heartbreak he felt. Seeing her this way was hurting him and she knew it. She knew that, if she were a better person, she shouldn't have called. At the end of the day, though, he was still her person. Her Cradle to Grave. There was nobody else that she could call.

"Kenz…" He spoke again, reaching out to her, touching her hand and trying to grab her attention. "Kenz, it's okay. I've got you."

Slowly, ever slowly, her eyes flickered to him, flickered about his face. Somehow Javier still looked the same. Somehow he had left and come back the same as she remembered. Yet there was something different in the way that he spoke to her. Something deeper, more compassionate. More caring. As if his words had more meaning to them.

Tears rolled from her eyes and she looked out the window of the diner once again. There was nothing that she could say, no explanation to be made.

"I love her." McKenzie spoke, her voice soft, broken and cracking, "I love her and… I - I thought she loved me."

Deep brown eyes filled with emotion stared over at her, meeting hers when they flickered back into his direction. Javier didn't say another word. A sigh passed his lips as he pulled out his wallet and left money on the table. He stood from his spot and walked over to her, offering her his hand.

"Come on, hermosa, let's take you home." Javier spoke, taking her hand into his. She stood, looking up at him with wide eyes. "To the ranch. Not to her. I won't let her hurt you again, Kenz. Never again. I made a promise to be there and I'm going to be there."

Kenzi opened her mouth to argue but Javier stopped her, shaking his head. He led her back to the truck, helping her into the passenger seat.

There was silence when they sat in the truck together. The both of them recalling the emotions, the memory of the last time she was sat beside him. The rain feeling too familiar to the both of them as it pinged off the cab of the truck.

Like a brutal reminder of the past. A horrific scene that brought them back to when she walked away from him.

Please don't leave me like this.

You don't have to love me back.

White knuckles folded around the steering wheel, hardly moving as he drove down the road. The radio played a song that Kenzi didn't recognize. Something about being broken. Kind of perfect. Not a word was spoken, letting the soft guitar ring out between them. Javier seemed to know the song, his grip on the steering wheel relaxing slightly as he tapped along to the beat of the gentle tune.

Kenzi just stayed quiet, occasionally glancing his way as he drove down the pavement road leading to the ranch. It was Javier who spoke first, ending the silence between them with a barely audible, low whisper that was almost drowned out by the sound of the rain pinging against the cab of the truck.

"I'm sorry."

He didn't look at her, his gaze still fixed ahead of him as he leaned back in his seat.

"This is my fault. I shouldn't… Fuck. I shouldn't have left. I should have fought for you." Javier breathed, finally looking over at her, sadness reflecting in his big, brown eyes. "I'm sorry, Kenz. I'm so fucking sorry."

Words escaped her. Instead of saying a word, Kenzi just closed her eyes. She leaned against the seat and breathed out. The throbbing in her eye had gotten worse.

She just wanted to sleep. She just wanted to forget. The events of the night having taken their toll, McKenzie just wanted to curl up and let her dreams take over.

Noticing her silence, Javier let out a sigh. He unlocked the truck doors and slid out, shutting the door behind him. As Kenzi pulled off her seatbelt and moved to open the door, Javier was already there, opening the door for her, offering her his hand to help her out of the truck. Doing the things he had always done before but now they seemed like they meant more. Like he meant more.

It almost felt as though his touch had gotten more tender, as if the reasoning behind his actions meant more than they did before. Or maybe McKenzie was reading too deeply into it. At the end of the day his actions hadn't changed. Javier had always opened the door for her. He had always taken her hand and helped her out of the truck. This wasn't a new thing and yet, for reasons unknown to Kenzi, it felt like it meant more now. More loving. More tender. It wasn't just a friendly touch anymore. It was something more.

Unspoken words that, had they been revealed long ago, could have changed the trajectory that their lives had taken and yet now they just hurt. Broken hearts. Broken friendships. Yet Javier was still there, still keeping up his promise. Kenzi still called him even though she knew she had no rights to do so. Javier still showed even though he knew he had no rights to still love her.

But he did. He still loved her and she still loved him.

Not that it mattered anymore. Not that any of it mattered anymore. Too much had happened now and Kenzi wasn't in the right state of mind to let anything else happen. She hadn't spoken. She didn't know what to say.

Wordlessly, Javier led Kenzi into the house. He led her through the front door and helped pull her jacket off of her. He hung it up to dry and held her hand as she stepped out of her shoes. Kenzi watched him, noticing the small things he did. Noticing the way he made sure that her shoes were set to the side to dry, that the shoelaces were undone so they didn't crust up and dry in the tied position that they were in. She noticed how gentle his touch was when he led her throughout the house, walking past Chucho without a sound, knowing that a conversation with him could happen later.

Javier led her to his bedroom and let her sit on the edge of the bed. He kneeled in front of her and helped her out of her soaked jeans, tossing them into the hamper. Not a word was spoken between them. Not a sound made. He did everything she needed him to do, even helping her get into some of his pajamas.

All Kenzi could do was watch, tears slowly rolling down her cheeks. How was it that she deserved him? After all that he had done, after all that she had done, after all of the bitter words and hatred passed between the two of them. How was it that he still cared for her?

Almost as if he had read her mind, Javier took her hand in his. He reached forward and ever gently wiped her tears with her thumb, smearing the wetness across her cheek and being careful not to allow the salty tear to touch the cut over the bone.

"I care about you, McKenzie. Nothing has changed. You're still the person I care about the most." Javier whispered to her, squeezing her hand gently. "You need to sleep, Kenz. Get comfortable, okay?"

He stood from the bed, glancing back at her before leaving the room. All Kenzi did was stare, her eyes flickering around his bedroom. Frames pictures of his life scattered about the walls and the surfaces, almost all of them including her. Smiling faces and shimmering eyes. Life was simpler then. Easier. Out of them all, though, one stood out the most.

Without even thinking about it, Kenzi stood and walked to his dresser, picking up the picture that she didn't even know existed. It was of them, of course, sitting in Chuchos livingroom.

A box of pizza in front of them, his arm around her, her head on his shoulder, with Javier looking up as Kenzi sat with her eyes closed.

"That was the night after grad." Javiers voice rang through the doorway, a glass of water in his hand. "We had just gotten back from the grad party. Your date had ditched you so I spent the night with you listening to music. You were drunk and falling asleep. I had to carry you to bed."

Kenzi nodded slowly, setting the picture frame back down where she found it. "I barely remember that night."

"I know."

"I didn't know this picture was taken."

Javier chuckled, the hint of a smile on his lips, "I know that, too. You were falling asleep. Chucho took it. We got some old films processed and… well there it is." Javier handed her the glass of water and an ibuprofen, "For your head. I don't doubt its going to hurt and swell tomorrow. I can take you to the clinic tomorrow."

Kenzi took the pill and popped it in her mouth, she used the water to wash it down and handed him the empty glass. "Thanks. I should… probably go home tomorrow, though. I don't want to make things worse than they already are."

Javier frowned slightly, clearing his throat. "Why don't you sleep on it, Kenz. We can talk about it tomorrow. Do you… need anything else?"

"No. No I should be alright, thank you." McKenzie offered him a small smile before making her way back over to the bed. She sat down on the edge of it, wrapping her arms around herself as she stared up at Javier. "Are you sure you're okay with me sleeping in here? I… I don't mind sleeping on the couch."

Javi pursed his lips slightly, shaking his head. He walked over to her and lifted her chin with his finger. "You get sleep. You need sleep. You've never slept on the couch here and tonight is not the day that you will start. You sleep in the bed. No arguments."

McKenzie stared up at him for a minute, eyes flickering about his face as she took in his words. "Okay." She whispered, "Okay. Just… Get rest. Get good rest."

Javier smiled softly, gently booping her nose before pulling away. He walked over to the door and leaned against the doorway for a moment, looking in at McKenzie as she slid onto the bed and pulled the blanket over herself.

"Cradle to Grave, Kenz." He murmured, flicking of the light, "No matter what."

NEXT CHAPTER

[not---meat]

Paradise: Chapter 11: You Hide It Well

Pairing: Javier Peña x McKenzie Martel

Rating: A - Adult

Warnings: Angst, domestic violence, domestic abuse

Summary: Kenzi has nowhere else to turn.

Note: I apologize in advance for any historical inaccuracies. We are in the mid to late 90's now woooo. Officially after the events of season 3 of Narcos!

MASTERLIST --- PARADISE MASTERLIST

Once he had left McKenzie found a new routine. She found a new normal. She distanced herself from Chucho again, distanced herself from the ranch and from the life that she used to lead. Instead she found comfort in her work. She found comfort in her roommate and his lifestyle. She found herself partying more, leaving her house and going on trips. Festivals. Art shows.

It was there that she found her. Haile. Mixed amongst McKenzies newfound friends, standing alongside Rob at some sort of show. Kenz couldn't even remember what the event was. Not that it mattered anymore. Somehow Haile had taken all of her attention.

Suddenly McKenzie's life was no longer her own. Her mind no longer occupied by memories alone, she was busy making new ones. There was never a free moment for her to think about the past.

Suddenly Javier became a foggy memory, replaced with Haile. Blurred by the cocktail of drugs and drinking that came with Haile's lifestyle. The lifestyle that became Kenzi's, too. In a few short months they were living together, sleeping in the same bed, sharing their lives.

In a few short months, McKenzie lived and breathed Haile. So much so that she ignored the warnings. She ignored the signs and the red flags. She let them pass by because suddenly loving Haile made her pain go away. For the first time in years Kenzie was free from the ache that Javier left behind.

It started out slow. Fights that led to them falling into bed together, angry words thrown between the two of them. Flesh on flesh, bruises forming where Haile grabbed her just a little harder than she needed to. Marks that at first Kenzi was proud to have. Little symbols of the passionate love that Haile gave her.

The marks grew. Travelled from her thighs to her waist, darker each time and yet McKenzie didn't mind them too much. They were easy enough to cover. It wasn't until the first plate was thrown, shattering against the wall behind her and cutting her as the glass shot back toward her, that McKenzie felt afraid.

Afraid of the woman who had distracted her heart. The stitches a painful reminder of the harsh words thrown between them. The pain quickly numbed by a cocktail of substances that Haile pushed McKenzie to take.

They will help.

You won't be in pain anymore.

Suddenly the person who helped her, who loved her, who she loved, became someone that she didn't recognize. It broke her. It broke her more than loving Javier had ever broken her. Kenzi found herself falling into a pit that she couldn't seem to dig herself out of. With her best friend gone from her life and the person she loved hurting her, McKenzie saw nowhere else to go.

Nightmares became constants. Fighting was a nightly ritual. Tears fell every time she was in the shower. McKenzie didn't know what to do, didn't know where to turn. Suddenly she was no longer safe in her own home but too afraid to leave, too scared that Haile would go through with her threats.

The threats. The ones that kept McKenzie faithful. Pain, hurt, hospital visits. McKenzie found out early into the abuse - while it was still fresh and she believed that it was only an accident - just what Haile was capable of doing.

A black eye. A concussion. Stitches. Even Rob had told Kenz to leave and yet Kenzi stayed. As much as Haile was awful to her she still managed to distract McKenzies heart and that was something she wasn't willing to part with just yet.

Not then. Not before it got worse. Not before the blowout fight that McKenzie had no option but to walk away from.

It was funny, ironic, painful, that it was raining. Just another slap to McKenzie's face. Just another reminder of the night that ended her friendship, the night that pushed her into the new lifestyle. The one that drove her to Haile in the first place.

There was nowhere for her to go. Nobody who she knew wouldn't take her side and the only person who she could think of was gone being a hero once again. There was no way that she could walk all the way to the ranch, by the time she did she would have hypothermia from the rain.

So Kenzi did the only thing she could think to do. She walked to a cafe and asked the staff if she could use their phone. Luckily for Kenzi she looked a mess. A black eye from Haile and drenched from head to toe, her curls wild and frazzled from being soaked, her clothing sopping wet. Each step she took squished.

It wasn't pretty but it got their attention which was exactly what she needed. McKenzie dialled the only number that she could think of. One that she had memorized a long, long time ago. The number for the Pena Ranch. Chucho's number. Javier's number. Anxiously she waited, listening to the line ring as she twirled the cord of the phone around her shaken fingers. She prayed that he would answer as she leaned against the wall and rested her temple against the surface.

When the line clicked her eyes snapped open. The groggy, sleep filled voice of Chucho on the other end of the line filled her with relief. She knew that Chucho would let her go without help. Sure, it would mean that she would have to be surrounded in Javier, but it was something she was willing to chance. She certainly couldn't go home.

The conversation didn't go how McKenzie thought it would. She figured that she would tell Chucho some sort of white lie and he would be on his way, no judgment. Instead she heard rustling. Almost as if the moment he said her name things changed. She heard the sound of footsteps, the swap of hands as the phone was yanked from Chucho's grasp. Then a voice that sent shivers down her spine.

Javier.

The reciever clicked as she set it down. She didn't even tell him where she was but she knew he would be there soon. The unwritten agreement made back in highschool where if one of them needed the other but couldn't call from home they would meet at the diner. It seemed more relevant now than it ever did in highschool. She knew he could tell by the bustling sounds around her, the shake of her breath, the lateness of the hour. There wasn't a doubt in her mind that he knew what was happening.

It didn't feel real. As if she was floating in a dream as she made her way to a booth and sat down, wrapping her arms around herself. A waitress brought her a warm drink as she waited, stating it was on the house. The look of pity in her eyes telling a story McKenzie didn't want to know. Almost as if she knew all too well what McKenzie was going through. An air of understanding between the two of them.

Kenz had to tell herself that she wasn't that girl. That she wasn;t a beaten victim of a horrible crime. Domestic abuse. That wasn't her. It was just a disagreement that went too far. It was normal. It was normal to sit in a diner with a black eye, drenched to the skin. It was normal to feel the ache of a painful love. Kenzi had been feeling it for so long now she didn't know what any other love felt like.

The pain of loving Javier. The pain of loving Haile. One much more painful than the other. At least with Haile she got glimpses of what reciprocated love felt like. At least with Haile she never wondered where her true place was, never had to watch her fall in love with someone else, almost watch her walk down the aisle. At least Haile never made her wonder whether she was even alive or leave her in the dark for years on end.

Yes. The pain of loving Javier was much worse. The worst part about it? McKenzie knew she could fall out of love with Haile. She would never fall out of love with Javier. It didn't matter how hard she tried, she would always love him. Always.

NEXT CHAPTER

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Dying Star: Introduction

Pairing: Joel Miller x Bailey Lowes

Rating: A - Adult

Warnings: None

Summary: Getting to know Bailey a little.

Note: We are starting off years before the outbreak here. I'm thinking middle of 1999. We will have canon events in the future but for now lets get the ball rolling with establishing that sweet, awful relationship! As always there may be some historical inaccuracies but I'm going to do my best!!

MASTERLIST --- DYING STAR MASTERLIST

There was nothing that drained a soul more than standing in front of a crowd dressed to the nines while a ridiculous ribbon was cut. Crowds of people who didn't really give a damn. Flashing lights that illuminated the fake smiles of the people standing at the front, paparazzi eager to grab the shot that would sell the best. An indecent position, a smile faltering, the life leaving the mayors daughters eyes.

All of her years she was told not to let that smile falter, never let her eyes reflect her emotions. How was she to hide the sadness in her eyes? How was she to force her body to feel something it didn't? How was that fair?

The contractors on the job seemed pleased, at least. The Miller brothers. Two men that Bailey didn't care to interact with too deeply, giving them a small smile when they approached her, polite, because thats what she was taught to be. Her mother took over the conversation, telling them how pleased she was with their work and obviously flirting with them while Bailey did everything in her power to shut out the people around her.

That's when the camera flashed, of course, when the smile faltered. When her eyes reflected the most sadness, when her lips had turned to a frown.

That was the picture they sold. The picture that hit the headlines and spurred the conversation with her mother. Dragged out of her apartment and thrown into the backseat of her drivers vehicle because her mother didn't have the decency to at least yell at her in the comfort of her own home. Why would she? She was a busy woman, after all, proving her worth to the town, proving that she was a better mayor than he ex husband while building the wall between herself and her only daughter higher and higher.

Bailey barely paid attention to her mothers rants now, simply nodding along and meeting her mothers eyes, letting her do what she had to do to feel better. It was normal to Bailey now. It was the way her life was.

Her mother would scream, yell, tell her how much of a disappointment she was, and then throw her out of her office. Bailey would return home and collapse into her bed, pulling her sheets closer to herself as she fell into a state of melancholy, only pulling herself out when her brother would knock on her bedroom door. Having been given the key to her apartment, that was his normal now. Checking in, bringing her groceries because he knew she wouldn't get them herself.

It was her life. A revolving door of the same things, the only change being the people and the places aside from her family and her goons. It never changed. It was all she knew.

NEXT CHAPTER

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Dying Star Masterlist

Joel Miller x Bailey Lowes

FANDOM: The Last Of Us CHARACTER: Bailey Lowes RATING: A - Adult Minors warning for the protection of myself and my readers, this fic will be 18+ not to worry, there will be fics for you in the future! Summary: The daughter of the mayor finds a friend in the most unlikely of places. How will their relationship flourish through daily life and the end of the world? Note: Well hello! This is another slow, slow burn. Themes of violence, self harm, age gaps, gore, child lost, angst, domestic violence, and potentially more. This one might be rough guys. Please don't expect a cushy romance straight away. Readers be advised!

~~~~

DYING STAR - The main fic

Introduction

Chapter 1: Invasive Weeds

Chapter 2: Down Feathers Over Rocks

Chapter 3: Listen To Me

Chapter 4: I Want Something Soft

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Paradise: Chapter 10: You're All Alone

Pairing: Javier Peña x McKenzie Martel

Rating: A - Adult

Warnings: Angst

Summary: Javier receives a call.

Note: This is an AU set in between season 2 and season 3 of Narcos sometime in the 90's. I apologize in advance for any historical inaccuracies! -- We are moving on to season 3 of Narcos so be prepared!

MASTERLIST --- PARADISE MASTERLIST

The first few days in Laredo were the hardest for him. Going back to working on the ranch alongside his father was hard to adapt to, especially after everything that he had gone through. There was so little thought put into what he was doing, allowing his mind to wander all throughout the day. Chucho would whistle while he worked, giving Javier something that he could try to focus on aside from the gnawing feeling in the pit of his stomach.

It all came to a head while they were building a fence. Chucho has stopped for a moment, taking a break to take a sip from his water and wipe sweat from his face. Javier just kept on working, trying to ignore the way his father eyes him as he worked.

Chucho knew. Chucho always knew when there was something on Javiers mind. It was aggravating at times. Javi didn't want to talk about it. He didn't want to admit to the ache in his soul.

"Go see her." Chucho spoke, folding his handkerchief up and tucking it into his pocket, "You won't know unless you see her."

Javier just frowned and stuck his shovel into the ground. He walked over to the cooler and grabbed his water, chugging half of it down before wiping his brow. "She doesn't want to see me." Javier spoke, letting out a refreshed breath. He tightened the lid on his water bottle and chucked it aside. "She's moved on. It's not my problem anymore."

"You love her?" Chucho questioned, an eyebrow raised as he took another sip from his water. Javier just stayed silent and grabbed his shovel again, returning back to his work. "Then you should go and see her."

"It doesn't change anything if I do or I don't. I hurt her. Again and again I hurt her. She's better off without. I'm done fighting." Javier glanced over at Chucho as he worked, shaking his head. "I appreciated the updates but obviously I don't need them anymore. She's fine."

Chucho let out a breath, close to a mocking laugh but not quite, "She's not fine." He replied, going back to his work. "You and I both know that girl too well to know that she is definitely not fine."

Javier didn't reply. He continued working throughout the rest of the day in silence, battling with himself. On one hand he did want to go and see her… On the other he didn't want it to blow up in his face.

He left her again. He left after promising that he wouldn't. After promising that he would be there for her he cut all contact. In his defense as far as he knew she hadn't tried to get in touch with him. That made it a little better in his mind.

Then again he never should have done those things to her in the first place. Javier knew the error of his actions and he regretted them more than anything else. More than he regretted the actions of Los Pepes, more than he regretted getting Carrillo killed. Those were blunders, sure, actions that hurt people, but they inevitably led to the downfall of Escobar and the Cali Cartel.

Losing McKenzie? There was no good to come out of that. A lifetime of loving her, cherishing her, and it was all gone because of his own selfish actions. Even though he told himself that they weren't selfish at all, that he was saving her life by cutting her out, that she was better off without him, there was no use. Javier was lying to himself. Nothing bad had happened to Chucho while he was away despite them talking somewhat frequently.

He thought of her. He thought of her every moment, with everything that he did. When he showered his mind was on her, focusing on the scent of her wer skin. The frazzled coils of her hair when they got drenched. When he laid in bed he thought of her smile, the way that the corners of her eyes crinkled when she was genuinely happy. He thought of her laugh, her touch, the way she leaned into him when she fell into a fit of giggles.

It had been years… Almost a decade since he had seen her like that and yet he could pull it into his mind. Late at night when he was alone with his thoughts, all of them being her.

There wasn't a doubt in his mind that he loved her. There wasn't a single moment in time where he didn't imagine what their lives could have been. Happy. Yet he found out too late. His feelings evolving once he left. It wasn't until he had his hand buried into another womans hair, her curls reminding him of the way Kenzi's did when he held her close. When he had buried his face into her he had been reminded of Kenzi's sweet embrace. He could have sworn he smelled the sweet scent of her shampoo. Yet when he opened his eyes it wasn't her.

That was when he knew. He knew that it had always been her, it would always be her. It was then that he knew he would have to do everything in his power to get back to her.

Then he went and fucked it all up. Now forced to relish in the memories no matter how deeply they cut him. No matter how many times he told himself that she had moved on. That she was happy.

At the edge of sleep, the green in her eyes dancing about his mind as he fell into his slumber, that's when the phone rang. As always, Chucho answered it, letting Javier roll over to try and fall into his slumber in peace.

When he heard Chuchos voice saying her name, though, the very thought of falling asleep slipped from his mind. He sprinted to the kitchen, tugging a shirt on over his head.

Somehow Javier knew. He knew that she needed him before even hearing her tearful voice. There was no other reason in his mind why she would call so late. Why she would call Chucho instead of a friend or her dad or her… girlfriend.

He knew she needed him. He knew she sought out the comfort that he once gave her, her only outlet now being Chucho.

Once the phone was in his hands, ripped from Chucho's grasp without a word or a second thought. He didn't wait for her to speak. He could hear her sniffles through the speaker.

"I'm on my way."

Without another word he grabbed his jacket and darted out the door, letting the phone dangle from the cord. He ran to Chuchos truck, pulling his shoes on as he went. Slamming the door as he turned the key into the ignition.

He promised he would always be there for her.

He was going to be there for her.

NEXT CHAPTER

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Joel Miller - TLOU

Series

Dying Star

[not---meat]

Paradise: Chapter 9: But It's Raining

Pairing: Javier Peña x McKenzie Martel

Rating: A - Adult

Warnings: Angst

Summary: Javier struggles and comes to a decision.

Note: This is an AU set in between season 2 and season 3 of Narcos sometime in the 90's. I apologize in advance for any historical inaccuracies! -- We are moving on to season 3 of Narcos so be prepared!

MASTERLIST --- PARADISE MASTERLIST

Cali was different. Vastly different from his time in Bogota. Vastly different from his time in Medellin. Sometimes it shocked him, amazed him, just how many different climates could be seen in Colombia.

It was also annoying. Having to adapt to the weather changes when he was out on the field. His clothes would cling to him due to the sweat that gathered on his skin. Walking about the remnants of cocaine labs that were obviously set up to look more horrific than they actually were. Guns that didn't belong in the hands of the victims. Bullet wounds that didn't match up, the situation staged in order to make the investors more interested. To glorify the drug war that they fought every day. The same war that almost killed him, killed Colonel Carrillo, that set fear into hundreds of people, killed hundreds more. Government officials, police officers, innocent bystanders, all killed thanks to the drugs race.

A promotion that Javier never saw coming. He was almost certain that his career was over thanks to his involvment with Los Pepes. Apparently not. Apparently because of it resulting in the takedown of Escobar they turned a blind eye to the violence that Los Pepes brought.

Then they turned a blind eye again when Javier went to those same people once again to help with the takedown of the kingpins. The Cali Cartel. Miles above Escobar, Javier had no idea what he was really getting himself into until it was far too late for him to get out of it. Far too deep into it to realize until it was too late that his promotion stood on the grounds of him being seen as a hero. He wasn't supposed to meddle, he was just supposed to be the face of it all. When the Cali Cartel walked it was to be seen as him allowing it to happen.

That wasn't something Javier was going to let happen.

Yet amongst all of the chaos, all of the unknowns that he dealt with from day to day, there was one thing that was unfortunately all to familiar and all to steady. The pain. The memories. The rain.

It didn't help that it rained so often in Cali. If anything it only made it worse when he was there, taking down the kingpins, while simultaneously his heart was aching. There was nothing that he could do. Nothing to quell the fire that burnt within him when he stepped out into the rain. There was no preventative for the rush of emotion the moment the cold drops hit his skin.

Please don't leave me like this.

Yet she left. With no other ideas, no other solutions or words that could fix what he had broken, Javier found himself falling. He knew after two days that he needed to leave Laredo. It became glaringly obvious once the week was coming to an end. His Cradle to Grave come to an end and he had fallen deep into the hole that he had dug all by himself.

Javier couldn't blame her for how she felt. He knew McKenzie too well to know that it had been an impulsive decision to turn away. If there was anything about the McKenzie that he knew, it was that she was rational and thought everything out ages before the situation arose.

Then again, looking back at it, that girl wasn't the McKenzie that he knew. The McKenzie he knew always wore a smile even when she was breaking inside. The McKenzie he knew wouldn't experiment with drugs or fight with him about rights and wrongs. The McKenzie he knew wasn't the girl he had returned to.

And deep in his heart Javier knew that it was his fault. He should have told her. He should have told her the first time that he left and he definitely should have told her before he left for Cali.

Selfishly, though, Javier didn't say a word. He made sure that Chucho knew and told him to check in on her. Javier couldn't bear to leave her alone like that again. He couldn't bear to be left in the dark about whether she was okay or not. In his mind that wasn't an option anymore. Whether she loved him back or not, Javier wouldn't let anything hurt her again…. Anyone but him, he supposed.

Because at the end of the day, there he was hurting her again.

At least this time he left her hating him. Maybe this time she wasn't in so muich pain. Maybe this time she would move on. As much as it hurt him to think about, hurt him to entertain the idea of someone else loving her, someone else touching her. Javier knew that it wasn't his place to say anything about it. It wasn't his place to have feelings about how he picked up the broken pieces of herself that he had destroyed.

So when the call came through that she had moved on, Javier buried himself into his work. He worked harder. He pushed against the rules, he pushed against his higher ups and he defied what they told him to do. He caught the Cali Cartel. He caught them. He made bad deals, almost killing more innocent people, almost killing himself.

At the end of the day it didn't matter. It wasn't like he had anything to go back to.

But then Javier heard the news about her changing. About her hospital visits. About the stitches and the bruises and he knew. He knew he had to be more careful. Suddenly it wasn't just his life that he was worried about but hers as well.

Once the cartel was captured he was done. He resigned. He told the truth. Javier put his career on the line but vowed that he wouldn't go back. He was done with that war.

Besides, there was a new war for him to fight. One that meant more to him than anything else.

If only he knew just how much of a fight that war would be.

NEXT CHAPTER

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Paradise: Chapter 8: There's No End

Pairing: Javier Peña x McKenzie Martel

Rating: A - Adult

Warnings: Angst

Summary: McKenzie reflects.

Note: This is an AU set in between season 2 and season 3 of Narcos sometime in the 90's. I apologize in advance for any historical inaccuracies! -- Woof! Sorry for the delay in getting this out. More chapters are on the way and should be semi-regular. No promises. We are moving on to season 3 of Narcos so be prepared!

MASTERLIST --- PARADISE MASTERLIST

The house was quiet just the way she liked it. McKenzie had no clue where her roommate was and honestly she didn’t much care. It was normal for him to go off and do his own thing, normal for her to spend the vast majority of her day alone painting or doodling. Quiet days, warm ones where she seemed to seek out the cool air of her apartment, were her favorite. Days where she could sit inside and focus on her work, the windows slightly ajar to exude the fumes from whatever she was working on. It was pleasant, peaceful. McKenzie could almost forget the anguish that she had gone through in the past few days. The hurt.

She didn’t want to think about him. She didn’t want to think about her regrets from the night before… or was that two nights now? Kenzie didn’t know. The days seemed to blur together now. Nights seemed lonelier as the words spoken between the two of them swirled around her mind. Torturing her before her eyes shut.

His words specifically. The ones she had always wanted to hear come from his lips but had casted out of her dreams long ago.

I’m in love with you. I have always loved you

Words that she had imagined him saying, dreamed of him saying, before flesh hit flesh and souls entwined. McKenzie hated how she responded to him. She hated the words she said, the actions she made. Never in a million years did she think she would do such a thing to anyone much less Javier. Yet she did.

You don't have to love me back you just… please don't leave me like this.

Pain laced into his words and yet she still did the one thing he asked her not to do. She left. She turned around and walked away, leaving him alone. There was no rhyme or reason. McKenzie loved him still.

The past few days had been proof enough of it. They blended together without him, seconds seemed like hours, minutes seemed like days, and yet she wasn't entirely sure when it was that she saw him last. Two days? Three? She didn't know. She wished that she did, she wished she had kept track. There was no reasoning behind any of it. McKenzie felt lost.

How was it that he managed to turn her world upside down by doing so little, all he had to do was smile. How was that fair? She would fall apart while he moved on. That seemed to be the trend between them now.

McKenzie hadn't really left her room. She had so much to do, so many orders to pack and quite a few to complete and yet she had somehow managed to set all of those tasks aside just to wallow in her pain. Pain that she could only blame herself for. Pain that she knew she could rectify is she just grew up and pushed aside her own ego. If she could just forgive and forget. She had told herself that she had forgiven him. She had told herself that they could go back to being themselves again but when it came down to it, McKenzie had proven herself wrong.

Now she was crushed by the aftermath. It was completely fair despite her own feelings about it.

She wished she knew how well he was faring from it.

Before McKenzie had even known it, a week had gone by. Another warm day where Rob had left, leaving her alone. This time instead of wallowing she got out of bed and worked. She packed those orders, completed those commissions, and forced herself go go back to a somewhat normal. The after Javier.

Yet still at the end of the day she would stare at her ceiling and wonder. She would allow her mind to drift and she would think back to the before. Before he had spoken those words to her.

You don't have to love me back…

Please don't leave me like this.

I love you

I'm in love with you

Swirling around and around in her mind until she drifted off, her dreams no longer safe from the memories of the rain. The sensation of his warmth around her. In the aftermath she remembered the feeling. The scent of his skin in the rain, the way his arms wrapped around her and held her. The pleading in his voice.

Why didn't she just stay? Why didn't she just allow him to love her?

Those thoughts that spiraled and swirled until eventually she would get out of bed. Most nights she would make it halfway down the hall before she stopped herself. Never reaching the phone.

So why, on this specific warm night, did she decide to finish the journey? Why did her fingers dial the number to the ranch? Why did she tangle the cord of the phone around her fingers like an expectant highschool girl calling her crush.

It was Chucho who answered the phone. His voice deep and crackly, filled with sleep as if she had woken him up from his slumber. What time was it? 2am? It was late… or early… either way not the right time to be calling and she knew that.

Yet the moment Chucho heard her voice he seemed to perk up. His voice smoother while still sleep ridden. For a moment she heard a hint of sorrow as he spoke her name.

Then she asked for Javier. She asked to speak to him, she didn't care about the hour. The silence on Chuchos end was deafening and she hoped that was just him going to grab Javier to let him know who was on the phone.

Instead it was words that she didn't want to hear. Words she hadn't heard in years. Words that shot her back into the past. Suddenly she was sitting in his room again, a long black dress flowing at her feet, red coiled hair pulled away from her face, secured with a clip that she would have never picked for herself.

Tears stained her cheeks, her heart ripped out all over again. Chucho didn't have to say much more. McKenzie knew from his tone because it was the same one he used before. No context needed, McKenzie knew.

Javier was gone.

NEXT CHAPTER

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Paradise: Chapter 7: She Expected The World

Pairing: Javier Peña x McKenzie Martel

Rating: A - Adult

Warnings: Angst

Summary: Javier begs for a chance.

Note: This is an AU set in between season 2 and season 3 of Narcos sometime in the 90's. I apologize in advance for any historical inaccuracies!

MASTERLIST --- PARADISE MASTERLIST

Ten years ago McKenzie Martel would have been over the moon. Five years ago she would have been happy, perhaps even excited. Even two years ago McKenzie would have still taken his words and held them close to her heart.

But now?

There wasn't a glimmer of excitement in her eyes. It was true that McKenzie would always have feelings for Javier in some way, he was her Cradle to Grave after all, but they were so deeply buried underneath the waves of pain and loneliness that there was no way that she could pull them to the surface. His admission to love only buried the knife of loneliness that she had felt even further.

If he truly loved her he wouldn't have left her in the dark for so long, right?

She had walked away, left her own apartment despite the fact that she knew it wasn't a good idea. Javier wasn't going to leave and she couldn't look at him for a moment longer. She didn't drive, of course, McKenzie was too smart to do something like that. Despite the drugs in her system Kenzi knew the difference between rights and wrongs. Instead she walked. She walked for what felt like hours but was likely only minutes. Her head was scrambled, heart confused and torn because even in all of her pain she wanted so deeply to just let him in. Why couldn't she just let him love her?

The rain didn't help. It made the sorrow and the pain within her almost deepen. How fitting, she thought, how cruel that it all came to a head when mother nature was in such a mood. She was soaked to the skin, her arms wrapped tightly around her as she continued moving, refusing to turn back, refusing to entertain the idea of another fight with her best friend. The end of their Cradle to Grave, no doubt. Harsh words. Harsh tones that as she continued walking she regretted more than anything else.

That wasn't who she was.

Kenzi wasn't a harsh person. She had never felt such an anger rip through her before. Tearing down the walls of the peace and love lifestyle that she so often lived by. This wasn't her. It wasn't Javier. It wasn't them. But then again there wasn't a them, was there? There had never been a them.

Kenzi's mind rattled about. Worst case scenarios flipping through like a shitty powerpoint presentation on why her life had shattered in less than a week. In her mind she told herself that this was for the better. That they were two different people now. They had grown too far apart. There was no love there, only the shell of what once had been and will never be again.

Headlights luminated her silhouette, casting a fragmented shadow ahead of her as the light tore through the sheets of rain that obscured the path ahead of her. The only reason she knew she was even on the sidewalk was the squishing of the grass on her left foot every time she stepped down. Effectively ruining her shoes but she didn't much care.

The vehicle slowed beside her, a voice piercing through the white noise of the rain hitting the ground. Quiet in comparison to the booming of the thunder above them. Although McKenzie knew who it was that was calling out to her she still continued walking, ignoring him. This wasn't the time nor the place for another fight.

"McKenzie please. Get into the car." The man pleaded, still driving slowly beside her, window rolled down, rain pouring into the truck and drenching him as well. Not that he cared. She just continued walking. Ignoring. Heartbroken again but not for the same reasons as before. Now it was her own fault. Now it was her own heart that guarded itself and broke itself because of it.

The truck stopped, headlights lighting the path ahead of her. The sound of a door slamming cut through the quiet and a warm hand wrapped around her bare arm, stopping her, pulling her backwards. Her body collided with his. Warm and comforting and yet she still tried to pull away from him.

"Stop Javier." She muttered, frigid hands moving to his warm chest and pushing as she tried to pull out of his reach. Javier didn't relent, instead just wrapping his arms around her, cocooning her in his warmth as he lead her toward the truck. With so little fight left, McKenzie allowed him to do so. The silence between them deafening as she slid into the passenger seat of Chucho's truck. Seatbelt on. Radio playing softly in the background as the door beside her slammed. Kenzi reached forward and turned off the radio, too heartbroken to listen to whatever love song was playing.

The sound of the rain grew louder as Javier opened the driver side of the truck, slamming it once he had slipped into his seat. The click of the seatbelt. The sound of him changing gears. No words between them. Everything that needed to be said had already been said as far as McKenzie was concerned.

Yet his mouth opened for a moment, his gaze fixed on the road ahead of him, windshield wipers swishing back and forth as they struggled to keep up with the rain that was pounding down on the cab of the truck. His mouth closed, eyes narrowing ever slightly as he rounded a corner, making Kenzi lean against the door of the truck. Her gaze moved, staring out the side window as she desperately willed him to just stay quiet. To just drop her off at home and leave.

The drive was silent. Almsot as if Javier had heard her silent pleas, he didn't make a sound. It was tense but McKenzie wouldn't have wanted it any other way. He was expressionless, staring out the windshield, hands moving ever slightly on the steering wheel as he drove, his gaze only moving when he turned into the parking garage of her apartment. He shut off the truck, exhaling. Still, he didn't look at her, waiting for her to get out of the truck. McKenzie didn't waste a moment, taking off her seatbelt. Her hand moved to the handle of the door and tugged, pushing the door open.

A warm arm crossed in front of her, pulling the door shut by the handle, trapping her for a moment before he turned and looked at her.

"Don't do this, McKenzie." He spoke. those big brown eyes full of sadness as he stared at her, silently pleading with her. "You don't have to love me back you just… please don't leave me like this."

Words escaped her. Eyebrows furrowed ever slightly but she was so spent from all the fighting that she didn't have it in her to fight him again. Instead she pushed the truck door open again and slid out, her feet making a slight squish sound from her soaked shoes and socks. She slammed the trucks door behind her and headed toward the door to her apartment building, her attention only turning when she heard the sound of the truck starting up and pulling out of the garage.

The hole dug so deep, McKenzie couldn't see a way to climb out. This was the grave and she was the one holding the shovel.

NEXT CHAPTER

[not---meat]

Paradise: Chapter 6: Away She'd Fly

Pairing: Javier Peña x McKenzie Martel

Rating: A - Adult

Warnings: Angst

Summary: Javier reveals the truth

Note: This is an AU set in between season 2 and season 3 of Narcos sometime in the 90's. I apologize in advance for any historical inaccuracies!

MASTERLIST --- PARADISE MASTERLIST

There was so much anger. So much pain. It wasn't like McKenzie to raise her voice. It wasn't like her to spew out hate filled words to anyone but especially not to Javier. She was always so rational, so put together, that she rarely used charged words in order to hurt someone. She didn't like to hurt people, especially not the people that she cared about.

Now she wondered, though, did she truly still care for Javier? After abandoning her the way that he did, could she really and truthfully muster up that much care for him anymore? It was clear that she had moved on, that her life had moved on.

"You don't know me!" McKenzie screamed at him. It wasn't the words themselves that were hateful but the tone she used. Hateful. Her expression that of a stranger to Javier, one that he had never seen on her face and yet there it was as clear as day. Hate filled. Those emerald eyes narrowed, staring daggers into him as she stopped what she was doing completely. The idea of sitting down on her bed completely forgotten as she took a step toward him.

"You don't know a single damn thing about me, Javier!" She screamed at him again, "The girl you knew is dead!"

It seemed as though with every hate filled word Javier lowered his arms, his expression saddening further.

"You're right." Javier hissed under his breath, "Obviously I don't fucking know you anymore. Obviously the McKenzie I know and care about is not here."

"Then leave! There's nothing here for you anymore, Javier!" Tears welled in her eyes as she pointed at the door, beckoning for him to leave.

In return, in defiance, Javier took a step closer to her, shaking his head. "I'm not just going to give up on you, McKenzie. That girl is still in there. I've seen her in your eyes, Kenz. You just need to get over this phase and come back to me, Kenz."

"Fuck you!" She hissed, hands flying out and connecting with his chest as he moved closer to her, forcefully pushing him away. She stepped closer so she could push him away again, "Fuck you Javier! You don't get to come here and run my life after you ruined it!"

Hot tears streamed down her face, pouring from hate filled eyes as she pushed him away. Javier stayed silent, pain on his face as he swallowed hard. He kept his cool, gently taking her hands in his and cooing as if he were talking to a misbehaving child.

"Calm down, McKenzie." He cooed, rubbing the backs of her hands with her fingers, "This isn't you. This is the coke talking. Come back to me, McKenzie."

"Don't fucking touch me!" McKenzie exclaimed, pulling her hands from his grasp, she took a step backward, shaking her head. She wiped the wetness from her cheeks, "This is me talking. Get the fuck out of my life, Javier!"

"Kenz…"

"No!" She cut him off, "You wanted out? Good! You're out! Get out!"

"McKenzie… we…" Javier tried, stepping forward his hands out in front of him as if trying to approach a wild animal.

"We what?! We promised?? You broke that promise!" She screamed at him, her voice cracking. Her throat was burning. Her face was burning. Skin prickled and boiled from the heat of her anger. Her heart was screaming, breaking for him in ways she had never experienced before. She had felt heartbroken when he left and now? Now he was pouring salt all over the wounds that she already struggled to close.

"What about us, McKenzie? You can't throw 30 years away. Cradle to-"

McKenzie just scoffed, looking away from him and shaking her head, eyes narrowing once again as her gaze fell upon him. "Cradle to grave? You're going to pull that again? Fine! consider thsi the grave part of cradle to grave." She hissed through her teeth. McKenzie brushed past him, moving to the door of her bedroom, she opened it and gestured for Javier to leave. He didn't.

"I'm not leaving you like this, McKenzie. I promised to be there for you no matter what." Javier spoke. He didn't even turn to look at her. There was a defeated tone in his voice, as if the reality of the situation was finally hitting him. He finally turned to face her, sadness in his eyes, tears threatening to spill. "I won't leave you like this. We can fix this, Kenz. We can fix us."

Silence fell between them. Excruciating silence as they stared into each others pain filled eyes, tears still brimming his as they fell from her own.

It was McKenzie who broke the silence, her tone soft, cracking from the emotion within. "There is no us, Javier. There's you and there's me. There has never been an us."

His shoulders drooped, eyes flickering about her face as the harsh reality of her words sunk in. Javier didn't dare move, instead just having a staredown with McKenzie, trying to find the right words.

"I can't lose you, Kenz…" He whispered, fear and hurt in his tone.

McKenzies mind was floating now. She didn't hear a single word he said, the pain in her heart rippled through her body. She was shaking now. Shaking from anger, shaking from hurt. In that moment not even Javier would be able to quel the fire within her. The man that was once her everything broken down to nothing in her mind. The man who, wordlessly, was once able to sooth and calm her. Not even Javier could extinguish the flames of anger and hurt that burned throughout her.

Slowly, then all at once, Javier was coming to terms with that. His expression softening completely. A desperate sigh passing his lips as he stared at the burning inferno in front of him. There was nothing he could say, nothing he could do, to fix what he had broken.

"You're killing yourself, McKenzie." He whispered, "You're poisoning yourself, can't you see that?"

It was a desperate attempt. Drawing the conversation away from their relationship and back to the reason they were fighting to begin with, McKenzie didn't reply, instead just letting out a huff of air as she waited for him to give in and walk away.

"Please, McKenzie. Don't stop for me. Stop for your dad. Stop for your brother. Don't make them bury you when you go too far." He pleaded with her, stepping closer to her, "Do it for Chucho, do it for you, do it for the people who love you. Please McKenzie…. This path you're going down will only send you to an early grave. Don't do this."

He reached out to her, brushing strands of coiled hair away from her face, his gaze meeting hers. She still refused to speak. She refused to move, her hateful gaze still locked on Javier, silently willing him to give up and walk away.

"Please don't make me bury my best friend. Forget everything else don't make us bury the most amazing person to walk this planet." Javier whispered, his hand resting on her cheek, wiping tears from her skin with his thumb, "Please?"

As Javier stared down at McKenzie, pain in his big brown eyes, pleading with her silently, McKenzie's narrowed eyes softened. Tears continued to roll down her cheeks and Javier continued to wipe then away with his thumb. The death grip she had on the doorknob loosened. She was falling from her high, floundering right in front of him.

"why do you care?" She whispered, eyebrows pinching together every slightly, "After all of these years of forgetting about me, why now?"

Javier shook his head, his other hand coming up to cup her face and wipe tears from her skin. "I have never and will never, ever, forget about you McKenzie. Never. You've never left my mind or my heart."

"Why?" She hissed through clenched teeth, "Why now after I've moved on? After I finally found a way to be happy without you, why did you even come back?"

"McKenzie…" Javier sighed, "I came back for you."

She raised her voice again, glaring up at him, "Why?! Why couldn't you just leave well enough alone!?"

"Kenzi please. Please. Hear me. I came back for you." He repeated, still cupping her face in his hands. McKenzie pulled his arms away, slipping out of his grip.

"Oh right. As if that makes a damn difference, Javier. You still cam back ten years too late! Why even bother, Javier? Why come back for me at all when you clearly don't give an actual shit about me." She hissed, slamming the bedroom door and moving away from him.

Javier groaned, rubbing his face with his hands as he turned to follow Kenzi while she angrily paced across the room.

"You're not hearing me, McKenzie. Hear me. I came back for you."

"No. I hear you, Javier. You cam back for me. Ten years too fucking late but you came back, right?" She hissed, "You should have just stayed in Columbia and forgotten about me."

Javier shook his head, stepping toward her. He took her hands in his, staring down at her as he spoke. "I couldn't do that even if I wanted to McKenzie. I couldn't just forget about you, please, you've plagued my mind for our whole lives."

"Plagued? That's comforting to know that you view me as a fucking disease, Javier. If I'm such a plague then maybe you should get the hell away from me, huh?" Kenzie ripped her hands out of his grip and moved away from him.

A low groan rumbled from Javier as he stepped toward her again, grabbing her arms, "You're not listening McKenzie!"

"Oh my god, Javier! Listening to what?! Listening to you spin in circles. You cam back for me, I'm a plague, but oh Kenzi I can't lose you, but also I did the right thing in fucking leaving you for ten god damned years and ignoring you. Treating you like we meant nothing to each other!" She yelled at him, wriggling out of his grasp again.

"You mean everything to me, McKenzie! God are you that fucking dense that I have to spell it out for you?!" Javier yelled back. McKenzie took pause for a second. Javier rarely raised his voice at her and yet there he was, screaming at her, like whatever he was going to say was more important than anything else.

"Spell it out, then, Javier. Because obviously I have no fucking idea what you're talking about." She hissed in response, narrowing her eyes.

"God damnit McKenzie!" Javier groaned, rubbing his face with his hands. He stared down at her, dropping his hands and using them to exaggerate his point. "Can't you see it? Do you not understand? I came back for you!"

"Great! What the fuck does that mean?!" She yelled at him.

Javier let out an exasperated groan, turning on his heel. He paced away from her for a moment, trying to keep his cool. He turned again, staring over at her. "It means I'm in love with you, McKenzie." He stated, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. A fact. Something that she should have known all along.

All McKenzie could do was stare at him, dumbfounded. Her stomach dropped, a pit of despair falling over her.

Javier moved closer, taking small steps toward her, "I'm in love with you, McKenzie. I love you. I have always loved you."

There was a silence between them as Javier waited for her to speak. The only sounds between them being their breathing, short and ragged as if they were both catching their breaths from the argument. Rain pattered against the window, a low rumble coming from outside, signifying that a storm was on its way. The room had gotten darker as gloomy clouds covered the sun. Still, the two of them stood there, gazes met as Javier had finished pouring his soul out, only hoping that McKenzie would hear the words he had to say. Hoping that she would still feel the same way.

Finally McKenzie broke the silence, staring up at Javier with wide eyes, her voice coming out as a soft whisper.

"No."

NEXT CHAPTER