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[not-a-zen-master]

Negative Self-Talk

This is a very bad habit of mine. Instant reactions to anything that is not “perfect”.

“I’ll never win.”

“I hate my life.”

“I hate this place.”

“I hate my job.”

“I’m so tired.” << I’ve actually said this the moment I woke up in the morning!

It’s so odd that deep down I know that these statements are both self-defeating and untrue. But, they’ve become default responses to almost everything in my life.

I have a daily goal now to stop these thoughts, and replace them. Just stop, take a breath and think… what is true in this moment? What is good? If nothing is good, what can I do right now to make things better? If I can do nothing, then what is wrong with just accepting the reality of this moment? That in itself, the acceptance of this moment, IS a good thing!

Maybe I will start writing on here twice a day. Gratitude and goals in the morning, a summary of my day in the evening. I feel better already!

[not-a-zen-master]

Depression and Facing Mortality

I came to terms with my mortality several years ago during a very sketchy plane landing, like many other people I’m sure.

The company that I work for owns a small plane, and I fly a few times a year. On a flight to New Orleans, we almost ended up in Lake Pontchartrain. I remember thinking through my options. I couldn’t fly a plane, I would be of no use to the pilot, and I certainly didn’t want to open the door and jump out! I looked around at my coworkers’ panicked faces as they gripped their seats with super-human strength, then made eye contact with my boss. We both shrugged our shoulders and looked away. We were the only two passengers who weren’t terrorized.

I very calmly surrendered to the moment, and decided that everything is OK. What will be will be I suppose.

Depression runs in my family, and I’ve had severe bouts with it over the years. I even put a loaded gun to my head once. I left work without telling anyone, and went home to kill myself. I couldn’t do it, burst into tears and cursed myself for being a coward.

Depression is hard to explain. I’ve said many times that the only way to understand it is to experience it, so I hope you never understand it. If you know you know, I suppose.

The Stoics say that it’s good to face your mortality. The Buddhists say that it’s good to surrender to the present moment. I did both in that moment on the plane, and my impending death has no effect on me now.

But, what does this mean for a person with depression? Will I pull the trigger next time? I don’t know. I still have thoughts of suicide on occasion. Mostly, I am very indifferent. I desire neither life nor death. I have brief moments of happiness, but for the most part my life has no meaning or purpose. I could take it or leave it.

I’ve started this blog as a journaling tool, to try and work some things out. Hopefully this will be the darkest of my writings as I try to foster positive change and find some “feel good” in my life.

I’ve conquered my fear of death to the point where I welcome it, and even with this realization I am still here. Deep down I must be making a choice to live, so I will move forward and see what happens.