nothazellevesque

[nothazellevesque]

obviously teaching children fire safety is very important. how did my school do that growing up? did they bring in firefighters? no. tell us how to check our smoke detectors or not to play with matches or lighters? no. my school decided that the best way to teach their little baby students fire safety was through song. was the song about how fire isn’t a toy? no. it was a song that explicitly taught us how to escape from a burning building. there was an accompanying dance and hand movements that went with it.

so for seven years, my classmates and I would gather round at least once a year and do a fuckin hand jive and square dance while chanting the instructions on how to not burn to death in our little sing songy child voices.

looking back, im pretty sure there were more effective ways of teaching that lesson, but none create an impression quite as unhinged as a group of twenty eight five year old children skipping around the room arm in arm singing a song about how fun it is to not BURN ALIVE

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after seeing everyone reacting to the summer i turned pretty i just want to know how no one has grabbed all these freaks by their shirt collars and dragged them into a therapist’s office (not Conrad. i hear he goes to therapy which, good for him! still don’t know which one of the boys he is!). I’m not watching this because i don’t care enough and don’t want to piss myself tf off, but from what ive heard i think belly’s brother whatshisface should be jumping everybody. because you must all be out of your goddamn mind. you mean to tell me that you put the idea in this girl’s head that she had to marry into this family despite literally everyone involved here being a CHILD???? so she dates one brother, they break up, the other brother cheats on her, but proposes to her outside the hospital while i am in a coma????? and literally everyone hates them together and doesn’t support this marriage but they plan to go ahead with it because it’s what y’all’s dead mom/friend would’ve wanted (even though we literally don’t know that because she’s dead)? absolutely not. everyone involved in this whole situation needs to get swung upon. the mom, the dad, jeremiah, belly, their friends, hell id even dig up the dead mom just to throw hands with her skeleton at this point. what the fuck is happening over there

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My cousin’s wife works in VFX, so obviously she’s been in Superhero (specifically marvel, bc they’re the ones dropping projects left and right for years) Hell her for the majority of her career. it’s gotten to the point that whenever she tells us she’s working on a project that isn’t a superhero thing, we’re like “omg they let you out of the gulag????” (i laugh. her husband laughs. she laughs. then she cries. she has not touched a non superhero project that we know of in over a year)

she’s legally not allowed to tell us what projects she’s doing until a trailer comes out, and isn’t allowed to tell us what scenes she works on until the movie’s in theaters (she’ll usually wait until we’ve seen it as well just so she doesn’t accidentally spoil anything for us). anyways two days ago we found out that she was on the team assigned to creating krypto in superman. she’s so cool i love her and i tell her all the time that i hope she gets let out of the Marvel Dungeon again soon because dear god i would lose my ever loving mind. (we don’t have hope for her. she was working on fantastic four and now avengers doomsday is in production. god only knows how many of her comrades will be dragged back into the MCU Mines for that one)

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honestly you gotta hand it to lex luthor because that man has some very ride or die employees. he’s like “im going to do super risky science that could destroy the entire planet just because i hate this one guy and desire him carnally want to kill him” and literally everyone in his office is like “yeah okay im in”. and im not talking about the scientists in luthorcorp hq, who im assuming are higher ups and have way more clearance and power than normal luthorcorp workers. im talking about those little hawaiian shirt wearing idiot goons down at the beach/abandoned military base. because when mister terrific shows up they also decide to join the fight (despite the fact that there are literal armored super soldier employees hanging out in the same location who are far more equipped to handle a fight with a superhero than you, a random office worker). like??? you have straight up seen mr terrific blow up a kaiju with his mind (and his little spheres) like two days ago, and thirty seconds ago he knocked out all of your highly trained heavily armored friends. so what in god’s green holy fuck do you think that man’s going to do to you and your little notepad? what would possess you to try and fight him?

maybe it’s because i only have experience working for Normal Evil People (billionaires) and not Supervillain Evil People, but i feel like id definitely have some concerns/complaints about having to fight god completely unarmed and without any protection just because my boss said so.

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the day zayn left one direction was the worst day of my life. not because i was a hardcore one direction stan but because the news broke during the school day and i was in middle school. have you ever been locked in a building with hundreds of screaming and sobbing 12-14 year old girls for 4+ hours???? it was hell. if i ever meet zayn malik i am going to ask him to apologize for that. because could the man not have broken the news on like a Friday afternoon and given us some time to process instead of dropping that bomb and trapping every single tween/teen girl in the country in The Torment Chamber for an entire Wednesday?

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okay but where tf did they find this man. he straight up NAILED that og tyson look. like that’s my sweet boy right there they found him and he is so friendly looking

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I gotta stop falling asleep to stream compilations bro. why did i just wake up from a dream where moist critikal showed up at my local park, wearing winnie the pooh slippers and trying to fly a kite that he’d tied a camera to. when i pointed out that he’d probably have more luck with a drone or something, he stared at me like i was crazy and said “innovation for innovation’s sake will be the downfall of man”. and you know what? fair enough mister critikal carry on sir

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parasocial relationships with celebrities are so over. celebrities are Randos. that’s why i suggest we form parasocial relationships with our friends’ siblings and their pets. i have spoken to my best friend’s baby sister like four times in the 13 years we’ve been besties and have only received the occasional offhanded update on her life through photos or random stories but in my heart she is an old friend with whom i once picked apples with in papa’s orchard. i have never met my friend’s childhood dog but she is a wonderful sweet girl and a friend whom i love dearly

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Tomorrow is my childhood friend’s birthday. I remember because we used to complain about our summer birthdays when we were little. somehow, at least one of our friends would be out of town so they couldn’t come to our parties. We never got to end lessons early to celebrate with our classmates like the other kids. When teachers gave out homework passes and little toys to their students on their birthdays, we would always be left out.

I haven’t seen that friend in six years. He died two years ago. If I’d known that the last time I’d see him would be at our high school graduation, I’d have taken more pictures with him. I’d have tried harder to stay in contact even when I moved 500 miles away from our hometown. now all i have left are a few pictures of us together and the memories of what he was like. I can’t remember what his voice sounded like, or the way he laughed, but in my mind he’s a patchwork of teeny tiny moments over the 11 years that he was in my life. He’s those green and gray running shoes that he wore every day in fifth grade (he said they made him run faster when we played tag at recess). He’s the grim reaper costume that he wore for two Halloweens in a row catching the autumn breeze as we played hide and seek in our friend’s backyard. He’s the strawberry blonde bowl cut that he had when we first met, the way we used to poke each other awake during first period English class in tenth grade. He’s those karate tournaments that he took part in every year, retold jokes from south park that made us laugh so hard we almost cried, talks of dream vacations and ideas of what we were going to be in the future. He was freckled, permanently pink cheeks and a sunny smile. He was my friend, and as an undiagnosed black kid in a primarily white school, I didn’t have many of those. I don’t think I ever told him how much he meant to me. I wonder if he ever fully understood how much I loved him, how grateful I was that he finally made me feel like I belonged somewhere.

I think of him a lot, especially now that I’m back in our hometown. I drive past our old high school, and for a moment I swear I can see him walking up the hill. The trees in my parents’ backyard rustle in the wind, and I can picture him climbing them. I crack an egg and I think of the parody anti drug PSA that we made for a class project. And every time I drive past our elementary school, I swear I see him atop that playground still, laughing, wearing those same green and gray running shoes.

“Catch me if you can!” He calls. But I never can catch up. He was always a faster runner than me, even when we were kids.

Tomorrow is my friend’s birthday. Several of our friends are out of town, off living their lives and working. But I’m here, and I’ll celebrate with him. It’s his birthday, and even though he isn’t here anymore, he is still someone worth celebrating. so I’ll buy his favorite cupcakes, go sit atop the playground that he loved to run around on so much, and I’ll celebrate the fact that he was here, and that for a brief, fleeting moment, we got to be kids together. I don’t want to think of him the way that he was at the end of his life, sick and alone and scared. I choose to remember him as that boy with the collection of seashells pulled from every beach he’d ever been to, a near perfect memory for South Park gags, a love for science, and a way of making even the most mundane mornings a little bit more entertaining. I think he’d prefer it that way.

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finding out that david corenswet (aka superman) auditioned for a role in 911 (i assume buck, but it could very easily have been a minor part in season 1-2) is so wild because that man literally IS real life buck buckley. he’s an attractive muscular sweetheart from Pennsylvania who rambles a lot and knows a lot of random info (and does very in depth analysis of his interests for fun??). imagine creating a character like buck buckley, seeing a real live person absolutely nail his character completely naturally (because that’s straight up just him) and then being like “yeah but the British vegan. i want that one”

(no shade to Oliver stark. obviously he’s great in 911 and we wouldn’t have our beloved buck without him but imagine the chaos we could’ve had with two actors on that set whose character backstories were straight up just based on their real life)

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do you think they made the Yellowjackets go back to school and finish their credits, bc if i got back from All Of That and had to go retake all of my classes bc i was one month away from graduating when the plane went down? oh id be so unimaginably pissed

or oh god imagine being a junior on the team and coming back from literal batshit cannibal cult time in the woods with your teammates. and then you have to take the SAT. which you haven’t been studying for because you were killing and eating your friends for nineteen months. and you probably hadn’t been keeping up with your math and reading knowledge (not to mention the health issues, psychological problems, and mental issues you’d have after Partaking In The Horrors).

honestly it is a miracle that tai and misty made it through all the additional schooling required to be a lawyer and a nurse because if i spent nineteen months in hell and came back i would probably just sit my ass down and weep for the next twenty five years. and probably be in and out of doctors’ offices trying to handle all the fucked up shit the wilderness definitely did to my body

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People always focus on the horror of titus the cannibal tribute from district 6, but in focusing on that we forget the fact that he’s a child. everyone in there is just a scared, desperate child. the game makers put those babies in an arena with no food and made them kill each other. of course Titus started trying to eat the dead. there was nothing else. if he even wanted a chance to survive long enough to go home, he had to. He’s a child, locked in a hellscape with only one way out. except there is no way out, is there? like haymitch says, you never get off that train. but titus doesn’t know that. none of the tributes in that arena know that there’s no winning the games. There’s only survival. And to survive, you must kill. you must eat. there’s no time to think about the consequences of what you’re doing, because you have to stay alert. you have to stay alive. You have to go home.

So titus kills. and he eats. And he gets closer and closer to going home. But as the numbers dwindle, those consequences that he’d been avoiding come sneaking back in. he’s been eating people, eating children on live television. He’s a monster, and the whole nation knows it now. What’ll happen to him when he gets out? What will happen to his family? His friends? Would he even be allowed around his loved ones now that he’s the most hated and most recognizable boy in panem? So he snaps. Of course he does. No one exits the arena completely sane, and that’s without the trauma of having to turn to cannibalism on the inside.

And then the avalanche comes. The cannon fires. Titus, the mad cannibal, is dead. His body is loaded into that little wooden box, and he finally, finally goes home. i doubt there was a funeral for the male tribute from 6. It wouldn’t do for anyone to be seen mourning the monster. But what about the boy? Titus was a normal child before his name was pulled at the reaping that year. he had friends. Family. He probably had hobbies too. No one will remember that nervous boy taking the stage at the reaping, or his interview with caesar flickerman. he will forever be immortalized as the beast of the arena. One only whispered about in horror. They’ll call him a savage, a villain, a monster. In truth, he was just a terrified kid trying to do whatever it took to make it home from an incomprehensible nightmare.

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honestly it’s so lucky for the Yellowjackets that none of them canonically have allergies because if it were me i would’ve shot myself with the gun the day my allergy meds ran out. im not dealing with nineteen months of permanent hay fever. no thanks. and god forbid someone needs an epipen out there or goes into anaphylaxis because of mystery wilderness food scraps or a bee sting or something????

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Honestly if I were Travis I would’ve burned the cabin down with all of us barricaded inside too (idk if he did it. he probably didn’t. but still). like??? You fucking freaks killed and ate my brother, made me eat my brother’s heart, tried to kill my girlfriend (aka the only other person that can go hunt for food once winter’s over), tried to sexually assault me and kill me, and what? I’m just expected to hang out with yall despite the constant evidence that all of you are a clear and present danger to me? fuck no. everybody’s gotta die. im going too because how tf am i supposed to face my mom after this bullshit

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thinking about the time in college when my English professor took us all to see othello during our study abroad experience in London and then a bunch of the white british actors came out in Giant masks painted to look like caricatures of blackface while extremely bright strobe lights went off (to signify othello losing his mind and descending into paranoia or whatever) and she felt so bad about it that she publicly apologized to me (the only black person in our group) and to the rest of the class saying that she never would’ve taken us to see the play if she’d known that’s how it was going to go down. At the time i was like “why are you apologizing you had no clue they were going to do anything that insane” but now looking back that poor woman probably thought she was about to get in trouble for unwittingly taking a group of thirty American college kids to the Surprise Seizure Inducing Sudden Blackface Shakespearean Tragedy.

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it’s so unfortunate for remmick that sammie lives in the one town with the exact group of people with the knowledge and skillset and temperaments necessary to thwart remmick’s plans and they’re all hanging out in that one building plotting. because in any other town or with any other people, remmick would’ve had that shit in the bag. he probably got a lot of the folks that were in his army by the end because they were coming into club juke late, leaving the party early, stepping out for some air, going to the bathroom, et cetera. but it’s just his luck that the few people who don’t come out ever are the ones with the exact means to fuck him up. like annie and smoke and delta slim are in there holding it DOWN for sammie and keeping themselves in that building like their lives depended on it even before they knew remmick was a vampire

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after hearing rumors about what they did to my girl nani pelekai in the lilo and stitch remake i am starting to suspect that the director and writers either had their lives ruined by a young native hawaiian woman or that several of them have siblings that they resent because actually wtf was that.