notmyfathershadow - Tumblr blog

[notmyfathershadow]

Today’s the day that my world just flipped. That I will never feel this love ever again. That I will never be this happy again. That everything that I thought I knew just fell apart. Everything I’ve ever wanted is gone.

[notmyfathershadow]

Happy birthday Chelsea.., I hope you’re doing all the things you love up there. I miss you Chels I hope you have a great birthday. Give smokey some loves for me ♥️

[notmyfathershadow]

Never felt so much happiness and sadness at the same time.

[notmyfathershadow]

[notmyfathershadow]

[notmyfathershadow]

WHY DOES DRAMA FOLLOW ME. WHY DOES HEART ACHE FOLLOW ME. WHY DOES HOPELESS NEVER LEAVE ME ALONE. WHY DOES HAPPINESS COME IN WAVES. WHY DOES DEPRESSION CREEP UP. WHY DOES EVERYTHING GO WRONG SO FAST. WHY DOES EVERYTHING WRONG HAPPEN. WHY DOES NOTHING GO RIGHT. WHY CANT I HAVE THIS RIGHT. WHY DOES EVERYTHING GO TO WASTE.

[notmyfathershadow]

You know, I feel like I can’t talk about how I miss you. Or how I wish I knew you were here. Knowing you’re gone hurts. Knowing you’ll never smile again hurts. Knowing you will never feel happiness again. Knowing someone isn’t hearing your laugh. It all hurts. I know I wasn’t there the past year or so like how I know you wanted me to be but I am sorry. I am sorry for not listening to you. I’m sorry I hurt you before you left this world. I wish I could tell you how sorry I am and how right you were. You were always right chels, I’m sorry.

I wish I could take it all back but I can’t so I’m stuck here wishing you were here so I could tell you everything. I just want to hear your voice one more time. I wish I hugged you when you left my house. I wish I hugged you in the garage watching you walk away. I had no idea that would be the last time I saw you. You did a lot for me and I feel like I never did enough for you. I’m so sorry for that. I hope if there is a heaven you’re there because I know we talked about death and how we were never sure if there was anything for us after we passed and I hope we were wrong. Because I can’t sit here and think that you aren’t dancing and listening to your screamo music I hope there is more out there so I know I can see you again one day. Love you, Chelsea. Please know this wherever you are.

[notmyfathershadow]

If only you knew what has been going on in my mind. If only you knew what I’ve gone through, if only you knew then maybe things would be different.

[notmyfathershadow]

I feel so damn alone

[notmyfathershadow]

Everyday something gets added to my shit that I already can’t handle. Everything is just piling up and I’m so close to just saying fuck it.

[notmyfathershadow]

I go through these phases in life where all I want to do is party or get fucked up so I guess there’s my manic just wanting to get high and shut the world out. Then there is the depression that comes creeping in and reminds me how big of a pos I am. So I decide to sleep my days away. Go to work (sometimes) then sleep. All I look forward to is sleeping or getting fucked up. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I do need help.

[notmyfathershadow]

So alone in my dark twisted mind.

[notmyfathershadow]

As long as you notice

I'm hoping that you'll keep your heart open

I'll keep mine open too

So, so, I'll probably take you aside

And tell you what's on my mind

But you, you'll just keep it inside

Probably tell me that you're alright

[notmyfathershadow]

Holy shit this year sucked.

[notmyfathershadow]

I don't think that we should be around each other. When you're in a room, you get my eyes. You open your mouth, I'm hypnotized

[notmyfathershadow]

The minute that my left hand meets your waist, & then I watch your face. Put my finger on your tongue,cause you love to taste.

[notmyfathershadow]

Don't say you love me more. Better not say it. I met her at church. But she could be Satan. You and I are two oceans apart. We're on earth to break each others hearts, in two. And it's hard with you. When I'm too far from you I look at the stars, do you?