nourties

[nourties]

[nourties]

hello again heri <3

i FINALLY have a real piece of writing for you. it's a bit heavy, and i wrote it on a moving bus, so it's bad, but it still is a little heavy in subject matter, so i think i'll tell you about it first, and you can tell me whether to send it to you or just keep it in the notes app :D

i even named it!! it's called "from the transplanted segment of a liver taken from the body of a vapid person inserted into another equally vapid person except they're both alcoholics and therefore both doomed anyway", wherein the transplanted liver segment is a person, and the "people" sharing it are cities. i based this whole thing on the past and present struggles i've observed in my family line, as well as the hypocrisy found in the social circles i was raised in/around (most of the people i thought of were adults when i was very little, so the details recalled here are hazy).

i used to live in the northeast, but now i'm on the west coast. beautiful cities, both my hometown and where i live now, but everyone says, "oh, my god, hiiiii," in that tone where you know there's no actual warmth behind their shark eyes. so the cities are vapid, and there's this weird underlying poisonous air under it all (ahem housing and job market crises ahem), so the "alcoholics" are both doomed because, no matter what organs/ people they pass between them, they share the same disease.

also, "transplant" is a funny way to refer to someone who moved from one place to another and hasn't localized themselves yet, so i played on the other, more literal definition of the word.

as shallow and boring as our little liver is, it inadvertently reveals its more vulnerable and raw traits, each borderline-admission scattered between more shallow and insufferable ramblings. it reveals it spends money recklessly. it reveals it has issues with food and compulsive exercise, and it reveals it has complex relationships with the concept of vanity, its family, marriage, and the like. relevantly, betsy's real, by the way. that's not her name, but she's my aunt.

before you start feeling sympathy for it, the liver also thinks, "god, i could never live here," in reference to small, older houses in a more affordable side of town that's slowly being gentrified. it looks at the new (but still small) houses and thinks maybe those are "swanky" enough for it, and even fantasizes about living in one of them but unnecessarily adds that if it does live in that neighborhood, it won't interact with its neighbors; ostensibly, the same neighbors living in the older houses.

it then casts the whole thought away altogether, though it reflects on its own lack of funds not five lines later without somehow making a single connection between its own financial irresponsibility and its disdain for small houses (including the fact that it can't afford a blush and a bronzer, but it still somehow turns its nose up at houses it definitely can't afford on its own) or the implications of the close proximity and stark contrast between the new houses and the old ones.

and then the liver worries about its family and a possible generational curse involving parents who perpetuate a cycle of abuse, kids who get married to the wrong people to emancipate themselves, only to have kids of their own and start the whole thing all over again. it's possibly the only thought of substance the liver has throughout the whole monologue. the moment is shattered when the liver dismisses it with humor, instead focusing on its next meal. the last line is, "yeah, that'd be nice"—a light, casual, mild, almost painfully inoffensive remark, but because of its many implications (those of the future, of the continued existence of the liver, of the forced lightness of the liver's inner monologue), the thing basically ends on a cliffhanger.

"from the segment" is kind of satirical and almost autobiographical in nature, pieced together from things i picked up from being around and raised by certain people in certain places. i'm going to break the fourth wall here by saying that, yes, they do think like that, and yes, sometimes i catch myself thinking like that too, which is partially why i wrote this—so i can check myself. the hypocrisy is real, the easily-dismissed trauma is also real, but sometimes it makes me laugh because it feels like, "my god, do any of us hear ourselves?"

anyway, i realized that, as much as we talk, there is a lot about myself i've just never told or even alluded to you. sorry for the long ask, and sorry for essentially spoiling a piece of media you haven't even seen yet :') let me know if you want the actual poem(? can we even call it a poem???), and i hope you're still doing okay.

the sun was out, and i was baking like a lizard on a warm rock. i tried to channel you and read under a tree, but there weren't any around. i hope the weather in england was equally nice today, and if not, i hope it will be sometime soon.

affectionately,

athena 🫀

ps: hope your brother's tattoo isn't infected and your actor is still lovely to you <3

athenaaaa !!!!

you have such a wonderful mind, and a very strong voice; satirical, existential, vulnerable. the piece sounds incredible, i knew i’d be obsessed from the title alone. feel free to send it to me whenever you’re ready —- what you’ve described here is already so compelling.

i’m glad to hear you caught some sun, i think a warm rock works just as well as under a tree —- wherever you can recline enough to hold your book up as a shield to the light. the weather here is indecisive as always, but i don’t mind.

sincerest apologies for the short & delayed reply —- the actor in question managed to get me into a car accident, so i’ve spent the last 8 days in hospital recovering from a fractured rib & bruised lung (which is fairly pertinent, speaking of dysfunctional organs <3). i’m feeling much better now, but i think it’s safe to say that little affair is over 😭

write again soon, hopefully i’ll be able to offer a little more substance when my brain starts working again.

all my love. xo

[nourties]

heri,

i got a job!! i'm really doing everything but going to the aquarium, aren't i? anyway, i start on wednesday. the job's at a bakery a ten-minute walk from my house, and it's run by this lovely man and his wife. i gave him my resume at ten in the morning, he called me back at half past eleven asking to meet for a coffee and an interview, and i'd gotten a job offer by twelve. apparently, my waxing romantic about cinnamon rolls and the romanticism of artisan bread won him over. he said that i'm just what he needs if i can be so excited talking about bread in a single conversation with him, since that's the whole business.

anyway, that's a quick update for you. i'm glad things with the actor are still going okay (and yes, him having a moniker is so carrie bradshaw of you—i'm obsessed), even though there may be a little disconnect with the commitment aspect. in my (unsolicited) opinion, there's still time to figure it out. there's always still time.

and i'm so glad you got to read the full taylor profile!! he inspired me to get back into painting in earnest. i made my mother a little acrylic doodle for mother's day.

as always, i hope you're well. i can't believe you also have two tattoos! bet they're aging better than mine are :')

i'm glad to hear from you again. your remarks about my writing really do help keep me practicing and writing. thank you, so, so, much <3

warmly,

🫀

how exciting !!! so proud of you lovely <3 a little bakery sounds idyllic, i can’t imagine a better place for you. keep me updated.

& yes, i’m not worried. plenty of time. (for me, at least —- i think he’s starting to feel the pressure of pushing thirty 😭)

wonderful to hear about your painting ! what a sweet & thoughtful gift, i’m sure your mum loved it.

i do ! the key to the house i grew up in on the inside of my wrist & a little horse right above my ankle, in memory of my grandmother. i bet yours are aging just fine, i wish i could be more spontaneous with my skin but i learn from my brother’s mistakes.

i’m very glad to hear that :’) you’re a great writer, i feel so lucky whenever you choose to share something new. sending all my love 💌

[nourties]

hi heri!!

okay, so, firstly: i bought so much at the mall on saturday. a new pair of bright red patent leather ballerina pumps, a copy of the met issue of vogue, three cds, a repurchase of my favorite lip liner, a bikini, a plain white t-shirt (it's absurd how i didn't already have one), and a new pair of wired earbuds because i used the last pair to absolute ruin. i'd call that shopping trip a success 🙂‍↕️

secondly, i recently wrote this on the inside cover of my sketchbook, but i thought i'd haunt you with it, too, because my writing juices are not flowing, so i'm straight-up sending you diary pages instead:

"i am insufferable. i used to think that is what kept me alone. i now know that is false.

i am alone because i am not one, but many, and that "many" all want something different. one moment, i'll want a nice southern boy who'll give me his mother's pecan pie recipe. the next, i'll want a psychopathic scholar with that posho british accent who thinks i'm dumb because i'm american but keeps me around anyway. i want king arthur of camelot, but also dorian gray, but also darry curtis and hamlet and felix catton. throw venetia in there, too, who cares? i want a chess player, i want a model, i want an idol everyone else also wants, but then again, a hidden gem sounds nice, too. i want a boy who has the lips of a girl, but i want a girl who has a boy's haircut. and i cannot have it all. and i cannot be it all, either.

but one moment, i'm some ditz from the northeast, saying my a's all flat ("don't worry 'baht it"). the next, i am the psychopathic scholar. hey, don't i remind you of someone? do i look familiar? i get that a lot. an old classmate of mine once said i am dorian gray in a birthday card she wrote me. do i remind you of a daughter? a niece? a cough-syrup-induced hallucination? i am every stranger on the bus. i'm not on the cover of vogue, but everyone has seen me everywhere anyway. a party. a lecture. the train, both in the seat and on the track. i am not one, i am many, and also none. i am both at the same time. i want the bangs of jane birkin, and maybe the boots, too. i want the cheekbones of the original prettyboy actor, i forgot his name. and i want heath ledger's eyes. i look at everyone and everything in the world like they're all behind the glass of a case in the bakery, and i am a schoolboy with no more pocket money left but all the hunger.

i am insufferable. that is not why i am alone. and i have no idea what i was talking about just now."

thirdly: your brother has a sick tattoo origin story, and i'm still *so* jealous. i have two horrible tattoos as well, one on my right ribs, the other on my left inner thigh. they were both done by an ex-classmate of mine with an amazon tattoo gun on a stranger's couch, but his lore is much more interesting! and i hope things are still alright with the actor. i know he's older, but if he's good to you, and you're sure you like him, that's all that really counts for now, especially since it sounds like you're still pretty early on in this courtship :)

i hope you're well. i was reading my new vogue on the bus home the other day, and i saw an interview with henry taylor on the may cover and i immediately thought you'd love it. here's the part that i highlighted because i wanted to send it to you: "'like edgar allan poe said, 'i become insane with long intervals of sanity.' sometimes people wait till the weekend to get crazy, and you might want to get crazy on a monday instead of a sunday, but you can't because on sunday you're supposed to go to church. yes, but then you've got saturday.' what about saturday? i ask. 'that's when you em-bellish!'"

the full article is long, but this bit made me smile. embellishing, that's a nice way of doing things. and how fitting it is that i happened to come across this tidbit on a saturday.

this has been a long ask; hope your eyes aren't tired from reading. please keep me updated on your actor and whatever (and whomever) else you feel like divulging, i always love speaking with you!!

- 🫀

ps: i can't believe i never accidentally told you my name!! i think i'll be a little bit cheeky—it has to do with promachos. i feel like some sort of cryptid handing out riddles now :D

hello darling <3  sorry for the late reply !

very chic haul,  glad you treated yourself :)

ohhhhhh i loved reading this.  totally enamoured by how introspective & engaging your writing is, even in your diary !  you’ve captured that fragmented feeling so well —-  “i am not one,  but many,  and also none” !!!  like an echo of my own thoughts,  thank you for sharing <3

your tattoo origin story is just as fun,  & much more exciting than my own meticulously planned two.  things with the actor  (i shamefully like that this is becoming a moniker for him,  i feel like carrie bradshaw)  are still going well —-  though i’m afraid he’s looking for more commitment than i can offer at this point.  we’ll see where it goes,  i suppose.

i read the full henry taylor profile,  and adored it.  what a wonderful man.  & don’t apologise for the long asks !  i always love to hear from you. i’d offer an excerpt from my own diary in return, but i fear any eloquence disappears as soon as my pen hits that paper.

hope to hear from you again soon <3

(p.s.  think i’ve got it,  but i’ll keep it secret for you.  if i’m right —-  that’s such a beautiful name !  and very fitting for you,  i feel.)

[nourties]

[nourties]

hi heri!!

i'm back with something vaguely resembling a snippet. i was clearing out my makeup train case (it's been days since i moved out of my dorm and back into my parents' house for the summer but i'm still not filly unpacked, i know) and i was rating my perfumes for fun. i had the intention to make it all funny and informative, but it turned into something less funny and informative and more like an art-house film crashout.

"on philosykos: gods bless the cardboard box that once held the greek fig leaves the founders were inspired by, bless the figs above their heads, bless the sap running down the bark, and bless the green and purple skin of every fruit that falls from the branches. i've been wearing philosykos for a while, and i got this sample from the sales associate when i went to buy the matching panoramic tray. this brings a tear to my eye every time i catch a sniff from my laundry pile, and that's only half an exaggeration. i chose my major because of this perfume. i'm convinced i was named after this perfume. put a bottle in my coffin. in fact, build my coffin out of fig wood.

on breath of god: this would be delightful on literally anyone other than myself, because i bought it when i was dating someone who i still see behind my eyelids in the moments before i fall asleep, and that is when i can bring myself to try to sleep at all. it smells like fruit and incense, and the name is fitting, because it does feel like a god's breathing down my neck and whispering to me everything that went wrong back then. i used up the last few dabs of breath of god by early april and i swore to myself i'd never smell it again. i cannot rate this. it does smell very good, though, especially if you're into more eccentric fragrances. just don't come near me when you're wearing it."

i haven't gone to the aquarium yet, but i am going to the mall with my friend tomorrow. i think i'm getting a little tanner, which is nice.

i'm so jealous of your brother's new tattoo!! please keep me updated on the actor, too. getting little tidbits of info from someone in the industry must be so exciting ^^

-🫀

ps: you know, the other day, i thought, "heri never writes me first, but maybe that's a time zone thing." and then it hit me. you had no idea this happened, of course, but i feel like apologizing for my airheadedness anyway 🙂‍↕️ talk soon!

hi sweetness <3

your writing is beautifully evocative as always. there’s always a nostalgic quality to it & this one felt like a real sensory experience —- i’m so glad you shared :’)

have fun at the mall ! hope you treat yourself to something nice after finishing your exams, let me know of any good purchases.

your jealousy is unnecessary, trust me. he had it done in the doorway of some nightclub in indonesia —- a little crooked yin-yang symbol on his ankle —- even he agrees it’s wanky. (i missed him, though. it’s good to have him back.)

went out with the actor again tonight, to a wine bar. he kissed me goodbye, so i stayed a while longer —- we ambled around the park for about two hours, talked a lot. he’s a little older than me, we’re at different stages in life, but i like him. i think.

of course i’d write you first if i could ! it occurs to me whenever i start these replies that i have no idea what your name is, even though you feel like a friend to me. it’s okay if you’re more comfortable anonymous, but either way my messages are always open to you <3

[nourties]

I don’t relate to people who hate the episodes set in Africa

[nourties]

heri!!

i hope your date went well!! missed you, just finished finals and moved out of my dorm yesterday :D

the lore is intense, but the bare-bones of it is that i recently learned someone can make you live through a two-year relationship in six hours, meeting the family included. the men here are insane.

my philosophy final was fun. that's all i had to do to cope with this finals season: the thought that this is all so much fun to do.

i want to go to the aquarium soon, will let you know how that goes 🙂‍↕️

hope you're well. i'll be back in your inbox with something longer soon.

warmly,

-🫀

hi lovely <3

proud of you ! i’m sure you did great & so glad to hear you found some fun amongst the stress. hope you’re enjoying some time to breathe, or some time to celebrate ;)

my date went well ! he’s an actor so i got to hear some interesting tidbits about the industry (& those who work in it). i’ve had my fair share of insane men though, so i know exactly the type you mean. just think of it as service to your own character development 🧘🏼‍♀️

a trip to the aquarium sounds like a wonderful idea, i expect fun-fish-facts next time you write. have a good week my darling <3

(p.s. yes, my brother flew into london on wednesday —- golden with tan & sporting an awful new tattoo —- so i’ve spent the past few days listening to his stories in an equal state of jealousy and admiration, until he inevitably passes out from the jet lag.)

[nourties]

heri,

sorry for being gone for so long; finals have been killing me. i missed you!

the semester's wrapping up, and i'm so tired it feels like i'll be dead by next week, but it's 0105 and i'm writing an excerpt on achilles and medea. and i have new lore. and i can tell you, if you want to hear it.

i can finally have my first full night of sleep in six days tonight. i can't wait.

i miss you. i hope you're well, that the weather isn't awful in this moment, and that the next cafe you go to gets your drink just right, and that the croissants (or whatever you like) are perfectly flaky and warm right out of the oven by the time one of them reaches your hands.

-🫀

hii darling ! i’ve missed you as well <3

hope exam season hasn’t treated you too harshly & you can enjoy a well-deserved break with plenty of rest. i am always eager to hear new lore, tell me everything.

lots to look forward to; april showers seem to be clearing up, i have a date this saturday, my brother is (finally) returning from his travels next week. sending celestial hugs for the utterly perfect croissant i had this morning —- hadn’t seen this message then, but now i know it was thanks to you 🙂‍↕️

hope to hear from you soon <3

[nourties]

[nourties]

heri!!!

save your money on the candle—i've been lighting it every so often when i get homesick, and it's alright, but many other vetiver-based candles smell so similar, at least in my opinion. at least i'll have something pretty to put my toothbrush and paste in once the glass is empty, i suppose ^^

sorry to hear about the weather changing again </3 we're in a chilly-but-sunny sort of phase right now, so please romanticize the rain for me if you can :')

it's finals season, so i've been doing less fictional writing and plenty more essays, mostly on happiness and the greek gods. if i ever find something i'm not ashamed of, i'll drop it right into your asks!

with affection and hope that you're well,

🫀

will do! the stack of unburnt candles in my room probably smell the same anyway :’) toothbrush holder idea is verrry cute!

not to worry, doing plenty of longing stares out of bus windows and tucking away into sweet little coffee shops until the rain clears 🙂‍↕️

i’d probably devour anything written by you so very much looking forward to it <3 sending loveee

[nourties]

hi heri !! no specific ask , but i hope all is well for you <3 so sad to hear about you leaving c.ai , but i completely understand as i did too . sending lots of love :)

˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚

byebye !!!

awe thank u darling :’) i’ll still be a lil active here! still writing for my own enjoyment so might post some fics / drabbles someday

[nourties]

hello heri!

something a little more unhinged for you tonight, because i'm wired, and delirious, and my last assignment for philosophy is due soon. i'm writing about pleasure, and pain, and how maybe everyone's just dramatic about it all, if you're wondering.

anyway, i've come to wonder just how much of a crush is just jealousy. just like that one song i sent you a few notes ago, i guess. i admired/feared cute philosophy guy—and i'm not kidding when i say i'm not even entirely sure what his name is— because i thought he was brighter than me. every discussion session we had, i thought i had to go crazier than him, talk more than him, know more than him, be better than him.

only to find out that it was never a competition at all. sometimes, i think i want to be like someone more than i actually like them, you know?

anyway, i bought a pretty white lace romper and some nice candles today. diptyque came out with a range of city candles, and the new york one smelled divine. i got the london one, too, because it smells just like a garden with heliotrope. my dorm smells like a speakeasy now, and the weather earlier today was beautiful, so things are well with me. i singed a few strands of my hair with a cigarette and burnt a hole through an old slip dress i was wearing, but i feel on top of the world just because the sun's coming out more.

i wanted to write you yesterday, but i honestly wasn't sure what things to focus on telling you; there's always just so much.

i'm glad the weather's beautiful where you are, and i'm even happier you've been getting plenty of sunshine with your reading :) your last reply made me misty, again, by the way.

i hope you're well, and that the weather's still beautiful for you, and that next week will still be gorgeous.

- 🫀

hellooo darling <3

i’ve had many a ‘crush’ in that strange space between i want you / i want to be you :’) easily mixed up, both stem from desire in different forms. like lust & disgust, love & hate, what’s one without the other?

sounds like an idyllic day, i’m so glad to hear the weather is improving over there! have been eyeing the diptyque new york candle myself (i who have never been there), but i’m holding off in attempt to save up for a trip at the end of the month. sorry to hear about your slip T.T perhaps you could mend / cover the hole with a little embroidery?

the sky here has grown dim again, but that’s england for you. as always, tell me as much as you’d like, as often as you’d like. i’ve been thoroughly enjoying exchanging these little missives with you, feels like having a digital pen pal :’)

[nourties]

hi heri!!

i think i've noticed a thing about myself, and it's completely self-absorbed, but i thought it might be interesting anyway.

i am under the impression that i am very easy to forget. i make jokes about it, too; i keep giggling about how my professors probably don't even know who i am, how my classmates, or project group members, or whoever-have-you probably never remember my face, even though i see a few of these people every day.

"i think i have a very forgettable face," is my favorite thing to say. i'm all exaggeratedly airy and aloof about it, because my own dramatics make me laugh.

i get self-conscious about it sometimes, i fear.

i'm thinking about this because i'm having lunch right now, and i'm listening to that album i showed you, and i remembered you, and your blog, and how you said you liked the album. i remembered your reply to my last ask—it made me tear up, by the way, i hope you know it was beautiful—and how the artist who made said album looks like a guy in my philosophy class who i think is kind of cute.

point is, i remembered a lot. and it makes me feel a little better about my fear of being forgotten, because my memory isn't great, but i also can't stop myself from remembering.

i hope you're well. it's raining where i am, quite heavily, and the cherry blossoms are open. i hope the weather's better wherever you are. and i hope whatever spring flowers are in your area are open, too.

-🫀

lovely to hear from you again <3 the weather is gorgeous here (until next week) so i’ve been spending most of my time reading under the sun. i hope it improves over there! april showers bring may flowers T.T

i don’t think this makes you self-absorbed at all, by the way. just self-reflective. maybe a little ruminative —- but the best of us are.

& i completely understand it, that ghostlike feeling. i think i have a tendency to feed into it, unfortunately —- make myself smaller, invisible, occupy as little space as possible. it’s never gotten me anywhere, obviously. i find people will remember things about you that even you don’t.

if it’s any reassurance, i often think about you between asks; whether it’s because of the album you recommended, or the little heart emoji, or just at random —- you’ve made yourself very memorable to me in relatively few words. i think a warmth like yours is rare to come by, and the people around you probably feel it too.

P.S. —- go for cute philosophy guy !!!

[nourties]

[nourties]

hi heri :)

there's a little newsstand in the nearest big mall near my college campus, and it's run by a man who reminds me of my grandfather. i think it's the eyes.

anyway, we make small talk every time i drop by to buy my ciggies, which isn't that often, since i always buy two cartons at a time, and i don't smoke that much. yesterday was the first time i've bought from him since january, i think. maybe even december.

it struck me that he's been a witness to quite a bit of my life. when i was seven, i had my ears pierced at claires'. the holes got infected and closed up, and they stayed like that for pretty much a decade until i got them redone two years ago. i've always been afraid of needles, and the first time i stopped by the newsstand was after i got my new piercings to get a pack of bubblegum to reward myself.

and then i bought a pack of marlboro golds from the newsstand man when i moved out of my parents' house. then two more. then i switched to silvers at the end of my first finals season, then i switched to vogue slim bleues. in between, i've probably bought a million mini pink bic lighters and even more tubes of bubble gum.

i asked him back in october where he was from. he shares an accent and a hometown with my father.

i don't call him by name. i don't know his name. he's seen me through an odd number of milestones in my life, though.

this isn't a snippet, by the way—it's more like a letter. i hope you're well.

- 🫀

oh this was a beautiful read my lovely, thank you for sharing <3 makes me feel like i’m walking through a memory with you. it’s remarkable how familiar people can become while basically remaining strangers. sending so much love, as always.

in a loosely similar vein: i used to get my cigs from a shop a few stops off my bus route. the owner was an old friend of my dad’s —- he’d rarely charge, and never asked for ID, which was ideal for my fifteen year old baby-face at the time. sometimes he’d send me off with a little bag of snacks, “take these too, they’re nearly out of date.” i like to think he was just looking out for me.

i never actually enjoyed smoking, it gave me migraines and the smell made me nauseous. i quit when i cut contact with my dad —- but i’d still pick up a couple packs from that shop every now n then, just to catch up with the owner. (i’d inevitably get drunk and smoke through them like a chimney, then regret it for days afterwards, but that’s neither here nor there :P)

[nourties]

hey heri!!

not much to say this time around—i'm cleaning out my google docs and drafts, etc., so no snippets, either </3

hope you're well, though! glad you liked "jealousy trap", the whole album is a masterpiece imo 🙂‍↕️ try "american baseball" next!! me personally, i'm particularly fond of the part that goes, "the sandlot is empty/i'm the hero tonight/my face under fluorescent lights".

sorry for lurking in ur asks again ^^ til next time i suppose

-🫀

pls don’t apologise ! i look forward to ur asks <3

listened to the full album after ur rec & loved it, have had hollywood sextape on repeat too. i am a fan 🙂‍↕️