nyctx

[nyctx]

#20

"A man's heart can be a wretched, wretched thing. It isn't like a mother's womb. It won't bleed. It won't stretch to make room for you."

I think a little bit of my father's wretched heart lies in my body still, even after all these years. I'm my mother's child, but that's only half of me, the rest is...bare and unknown, for me to control and shape because the father I needed was never there to do so. Metaphorically speaking, I am still a leech full of his heart, taking pieces of my mother that is unecessary, undeserved. But does it justify her lack of affection?

She may have been there physically and as best as she can, but only to an extent because life was too cruel.

My mom had joked about her being affectionate with me when I was sick the other day and said, "babying you after so many years later.." and it just bothers the fuck out of me. Was I just...blind? Stupid? An ignorant kid? Oh God forbid, thats not what was needed out of me.

-Dxllface

[nyctx]

#19

I think I'm just miserable at this point. Today sucked and all I want to do is change myself again or roll into the fucking grave. Wait, that's pathetic, very pathetic.

This a diary basically, I could give a fuck if it is pathetic, not like I plan on sharing this shit with anyone anyways. And besides, who wants to hear someone ramble about their woes all fucking day? Exactly.

I went to see Ghostbusters with my family today and all it was today was jokes and jokes galore on how I resemble and look like Pheobe so much. Comments, jokes, remarks, all of it was fucking irritating. I haven't looked like her in over a YEAR and have stopped trying to act like the nerdy curly haired girl that always has something to say. Because god forbid I get sick and tired of hearing the same things OVER and OVER again. All for what? Because it's a compliment? Because I should be grateful I get compared to a fucking Mary Sue? Is that how people see me? That part of me died, a long time ago. I changed for a reason, a purpose. Because that side of me got me ridiculed and ostracized by my peers for YEARS. All because I acted different, because I lacked social cues no one guided me or helped me to learn. Because I was non conforming at the bright age of fucking FIVE. You think I WANT to be compared to something that just gives me a slap to my fucking face and reminds me I can't change? That I'll forever be the little kid that WANTED friends because no one else batted an eye after a while? That the only friends I had pitied me and made me feel unimportant?

That part of me wanted to kill themselves, wanted nothing but the absolute worst to happen to themselves because they felt so shitty that the only thing they thought they deserved was death. That part of me lived thinking no one cared about them because their mom was always busy working and their dad could give less of a shit because he was working and absent. They lived thinking everyone would eventually hate them for the smallest thing, they let those eggshells sink deeper and deeper into their fucking feet until it replaced the flesh and embedded into their agonized body. Until they sat years later trying to pluck out each shard and letting their feet heal.

So God forbid. God fucking forbid I hate being compared to something that brings me back to feeling like a pathetic piece of shit. God forbid I start hiding my tears because I haven't healed and can't cope with those memories. God forbid I hate compliments because they remind me of the lies kids told me when I was younger to get a rise out of me and crush me. God forbid I hate feeling vulnerable because of how much it feels like a leech.

All for me to feel bad? Feel bad because I'm afraid of making my mom so upset that she tries to end her life again. One wrong move, one wrong thing said on a bad day, it could all go to shit and then who would be to blame? Me, because I don't know when to keep my fucking mouth shut, but then regret it because it makes my mom feel shitty. But why would I feel bad? Why would I ever open up to her knowing that all that will be thrown at me is a half assed dismissal to invalidate how I feel. I dont know, I just distract myself until it hits me. I'll be having the time of life before my brain goes "your mom tried killing herself on her birthday, keep your tongue bitten and make sure you do what is said or she might try again because you didnt listen." Because at the end of the day, her and my step dads feelings matter more, not us. At the end of the day, what I say doesn't matter. At the end of the day, I'm just a puppet on a string the second I get home. I'm just a pawn, a doll, a goddamn blinded dog being led to my death. That's all I'll be, a slave and a floor mat. IT affects just me feeling in control of myself. It feels like a temporary mutism. I'm so afraid of the thought of getting that call saying that shes gone, that she didn't keep their promise. Death is unexpected, and depression is a damn monster.

I should've been ran over by both of those cars, I should've successfully hung myself in that garage, I should've been able to swallow down those pills, I should've been aborted like the unwanted child my biological dad saw in the first place. I. Shouldn't. Be. Here.

Before I laid down, my mom tried getting me to talk to her about how I felt. Wow, after every time I've heard her and my step dad say their feelings are to be prioritized more, I should open up? I couldn't even get through that minute without tearing up and turning my body to the side so that my mom couldn't see the pathetic child she raised.

"No.." I walked back to my room and then stopped "..er, no ma'am." And then went back to my room because all my mom wants to hear is that she implemented manners and raised "Good kids". Now I sit here wanting to sob my eyes out.

Because I feel guilty for not feeling guilty for shutting my mom out after years of being invalidated and talked down because I'm "just a kid." Because at the end of the day, that's all I'll ever be to her. But she's had it worse. Do you really think she needs her kid telling her that they're stressed because of something that seems so miniscule compared to her ever growing problems? She needs something else to worry about as if she doesn't have enough to worry about enough? I can't do that to her.

I feel....like a monster. My mom and her boyfriend had just given me this lecture, and I just feel horrible about the whole thing. Lets start off with the fact this all originated from my birthday dinner, my sister told me that her mom and her siblings were leaving my father figure at the end of the month and that it would the last times we'd see each other and she said I cant tell anyone. I feel like the biggest hypocrite as to why i was so upset about this. I told my mom at least two days or so after, which led her to tell my father figure even though i feared what would happen if i told someone else. She said it was inappropriate for her to tell me on that day even though i saw no problem with it. After that, my sister stopped reaching out, and I felt like I had lost the ability to trust my mom. Things were just quiet and i blamed myself for the entire thing because I felt like it was my fault, even though everyone says it wasnt, but i still blame myself because if i didnt tell my mom, it wouldnt have happened. Then my sister reached out to me and i told my mom and she tried asking for screenshots of the conversation, but I feel so so so uncomfortable with the thought of it, so i told her no. She asked again and I said "didn't you say that the last time?" and she got upset and called me selfish. How I can trust my sister after she hurt me on multiple accounts but not her. She thinks she right and I honestly think im the wrong one in this situation, that its my fault because i cant keep my damn mouth shut. But fails to realize that it's easier to trust her because I don't see her everyday, she can forget it. I live with my mom everyday and live with each mistake and each time my step dad tells me the things I do or lack make her feel shitty about herself. She said shes not going to apologize for it, she thinks shes right. Im just a kid, and she's the parent. She wants control - no, needs it over the situation, or else she starts self-deprecating, and god knows what happens if it gets bad. Im afraid of what would happen if it did get bad.

-Dxllface

[nyctx]

#18

Maybe in another universe, I'm not aroace and hopelessly in love.

Maybe in another universe I don't shut down on valentine's day because the entire day ends up sucking.

Maybe in another universe I'm not stuck in the friendzone with no chance of making it out even though everyone gives me hope. He doesn't like me like that, never will.

Maybe in another universe I'm just normal instead of a sick disgusting human being.

MAYBE IM NOT FUCKING CRAZY IN ANOTHER UNIVERSE

But that's in another universe, this is this universe and I'm stuck here.

I feel so obnoxious at this point. I honestly stopped writing because I thought I was getting better at communicating my feelings but I just realized I've only gotten worse. And with seasonal depression? Just forget my progress because that's it. I'm that pathetic about it. I feel gross, like a poison to my friends and I just feel annoying in general.

But crushing on my best friend is the worst because everything is just the friend zone. I'm just trying to stay used to the friend zone, I thought I was at one point, but now I don't know anymore. Everyone gives me hope, saying he likes me back. I know better.

-Dxll Face

[nyctx]

#17

Almost two months since my last post, I really have grown to be ashamed of myself and the things I say on here. I would delete it, but that doesn't seem necessary. I don't change, I still have things I want to say about my life (though it sounds stupid in the long run).

I have officially lost my mind, or sort of lost my mind. It's already 3:30 a.m by the time I'm typing this shit out and 3:30 a.m when my thoughts seem to spiral. I might just let them win over and make the rest of the season bleak. I'm tired, losing motivation, and feeling like nothing really matters that much. I only say that because I don't know who to run with these kinds of problems without feeling like I'm pushing a limit. Who would I go to? How would I even do that?

I think the only one making any of this worth it, is Mario. Mario's the best bet I got right now to the closest friend I have. Out of everyone I know, he makes me feel the safest, the most comfortable. But...it's so painful to be around him, it hurts to talk to him...and with my best friend as well. With them, my soul intertwines and dances like a leaf in the wind or something poetic like that. I feel interlinked, I feel connected....but who is it that my heart really, truly wants? Or is my brain trying to give me some sad excuse for a romance that everyone desires so I feel normal? Normal fucking sucks, it can kill itself.

I can't tell if I find my best friend annoying, or if I love him so much that I can't be around him because like Mario, it hurts. It makes me all kinds of sick, all kinds of nervous. It hurts, it really does.

But so does inferiority.

When turning towards this group of people, I saw myself enjoying their presence, but now I just feel like a bother to them. I feel inferior to them. We all draw, some of us write, and do other things. But I just feel so below them when it comes to this. I don't feel worthy enough to be called their friends or someone with good art skills. My writing.....I haven't written passionately in months, and all I have going for me besides that is....I don't even know. I feel so low compared to them...so bad. Maybe it's me trying to prevent me from fucking up and getting me kicked out of the group, maybe it's because I'm overthinking, maybe it's because I'm in love with my best friend. Just so many maybes I don't have an answer to. I feel like such a bad person for thinking this way.

-Dxll Face

[nyctx]

#16

Why can't I just be left at peace? Why can't I- for once, just have a quiet life where drama isn't something I'm constantly surrounded by? Why can't I speak up about my discomfort? My dread of messing up?

WHY THE FUCK IS IT SO HARD TO COMMUNICATE?!

I fucking hate everything. I'm not finished with October and just started a new grading period. Things would get better, right? No, they fucking don't. I think about shit that doesn't matter. Why can't I just ignore that, for once? I just want the rest of high school to be peaceful. Where I'm not uncomfortable to speak up about how I feel mentally. Yes, I rant about certain things (only two as of late). Yes, I have some courage to be in my own skin. Yes, I love my classes.

But no, my social life is making me feel shitty. It's not even that toxic for once, everything just makes me anxious to fuck up. I get so tense around everyone, it sucks. Most of my friends are ambiverts (leaning towards extrovert) and I'm over here trying to question why I can't just communicate. I've tried, but it's always at a bad time, so it'd be better to not. Everyone has their own drama, and I'd rather just listen. Mine's not that interesting anyway. I'm just a fucking emo kid who's getting shit talked.

Speaking of that...

Today in my CCR class, this group of people were being obnoxious next to me, and just overall, I wanted to tell them to shut the fuck up. But I had my headphones on when two of them started laughing before one of them asked me if I had Instagram. I was hesitant, but I gave them my socials on a slip of paper while they were giggling. I thought nothing of it, but they went quiet and started laughing again. That's when I noticed one of their phones, with one of my posts, and underneath, a text that read "ermmmm.". My heart fucking dropped and they noticed I saw it and started to laugh and make a comment about it. Why? What was the point? What the fuck is the point to talk shit about someone you don't fucking know at all?

My friend had some drama and I tried giving my output before backing out of the conversation. I felt too hesitant to add on anything and in the end, felt shitty about it. But how dare I feel that way. How could I make that about me? It had nothing to do with me. That's shitty of me. I shut up and went to walk around the bus loop to maybe get my mind off things. But my mind kept racing and kept racing, overthinking every single thing I could imagine. I hate it, because it kept reminding me that in the sense, I can't speak up for myself. I'm easy to push around because, by the time I want to do something about it, it's too late. I'm too soft, my friend was right. I'm just a softie. I need to toughen up, but what?

Is this how my friends feel when I open up? Just another fucking sob story? Some bullshit I can just get over? What the fuck is wrong with me? Why couldn't I see this earlier? I'm such an idiot, it was so obvious. Maybe I need to stop fucking talking because why the fuck should I?

I can't keep doing this, it's stupid.

There this guy who has a crush on me and I don't know how to confront it without seeming full of myself or like a narcissist. I'm not all that, and frankly, don't like feeling that way, it makes me feel like a snob. He said this one thing that made me uncomfortable and in general, he's starting to make me uneasy, but I don't wanna be a bitch about it. I left him on read, and I don't wanna respond to him anymore.

I miss riding my bike every day, I didn't have to think and I zoned out for a whole hour due to exhaustion. I biked until my legs ran numb, until I wanted to throw up, until my whole body was shaking. I miss physically exhausting myself until it shuts my brain off and all I could feel was being sore. I miss it, miss that feeling. But we can't always get what we want.

-Dxll Face

[nyctx]

#15

It's been well over a month since that last post, it's almost October now. Time does pass by when you're not depressed, but it hit again like a fucking train.

I finished the book I was reading, which was an amazing book I'll admit. I started another one as well so there's that. I started writing again, but my art is depleting again. It sucks, but if I'm not good for one thing, I'm good for the other.

I was doing so fucking well up until Sunday. I felt it creep up again and dreaded the worst. I'm spiraling again, but homecoming is coming up so I have to wait for that to end before I can go completely silent. After that, I wanna shut out and get my shit together. I don't wanna be how I was during freshman year or 8th grade. I cannot afford that type of turmoil, it'll be too much. I don't wanna go back to wishing I could kill myself, I don't wanna go back to how I was. I'm halfway through high school, what's the point of giving up now? I got this, I'll be fine...I hope.

I made some friends and rekindled with some others. I'm platonically married now and genuinely have better support and encouragement than I did at my old school. I talked to another old friend and now things are going good with my social life, I'm supposed to see the FNAF movie with my friends and we have things planned for the future.

But why am I still depressed?

Also, I fucking hate sociology more than I hate my algebra class. The group of boys in that class made me so fucking mad today and they genuinely piss me off. They're obnoxious, rude, conceited, and overall just a terrible group of people. They made me feel embarrassed and kept talking over me during class and talking over other people in class. I genuinely dislike them tremendously, it's not even funny.

I think it's just the seasons changing that make me depressed and lack motivation to do anything.

-Dxll Face

[nyctx]

#14

I actually had a good day today, which is surprising considering today is Monday. I actually felt good about today, but I still want a break from certain things.

I met my English teacher, she was pretty chill and nice. We had 15 minutes of reading today and I got to choose my first book of the year. I chose the book Imaginary Friend by Stephen Chbosky. From what I've gathered, it's about this boy and his mom who escaped from his mom's abusive ex. I think the boy has Dyslexia because he mentions the words jumbling all over the place and then switching. He goes missing for 6 days and then is found by a girl who's trying to rush home. I love the writing style as a writer and the way the author captures this story. I'm already 70 pages in and I love this book, but there's a specific part that sticks out to me. It's on page 11. "That was it. He didn't know anything about his father other than he must have been a great man because that's what all fathers were. Great men."

-Imaginary Friend by Stephen Chbosky

That specific quote has been in the back of my mind all day. It bothers me because not all fathers are actually great men. I would know, mine left and didn't give a shit about me. I have seen father figures leave countless times. No good father or man would leave the people they love. He didn't even have a reason to go.

In Chemistry, we did a lab and I enjoyed it. I sat with some pretty chill people and they all made jokes and laughed about it. We were doing chemical reactions and watching the changes. But my favorite class right now has to be Medical Terminology. I actually had a good time trying to find the different meanings of certain words and in general, just love health. If I didn't want to be an embalmer, I'd totally be a...I actually don't know, but it would probably be something in the medical field. Then came time for lunch, and one of the people who was with me in chemistry came up to me. "What's the book you're reading?" "Imaginary Friend by Stephen Chbosky, who made Perks of Being a Wallflower."

"Do you have imaginary friends?" That question caught me off guard, I wasn't exactly sure why he asked me that. I don't have any imaginary friends, just a screaming mind I want to shut up every once in a while. He left and I went back to reading until my next class.

I have Sociology and honestly, I really love the topic. I find it really fun to learn about. In general, I like to learn about new things. I want to tell my friends, but I don't know how they'd take it. I love learning, I love school, but that makes me a nerd and I feel sort of...off about it. I'm already enough of a nerd, do I wanna make it worse for myself? I'm already crazy enough, I don't need to add to it. It feels like something I have to hide from the world, but I know no one sees this so I really don't mind at all.

I got rained on when I walked back to my apartment. I love the rain, it feels nice. I'm probably gonna read and write, maybe draw too. I'm lacking in my art right now so I don't have the courage to talk to my friends. It feels like the only thing that catches their interest besides my writing. I feel really insecure about my art right now but also don't have the courage to let them know. I feel pathetic about it. I'm not sure though.

-Dxll Face

[nyctx]

#13

I saw my grandparents this weekend. All I can say about it was that it was an emotional ride. But for whatever reason, it went from either horny or sad in a snap. Seeing my grandpa on my mom's side always brings me some sort of nostalgic joy. Just being at my grandparent's house just makes me relive the memories I have there. I'm attached to that place severely. My tio was also there; he's funny and cool to talk with. I went over there to grab some stuff, but I was also there to see them because I missed them. So seeing them again made me happy in a sense, I got to see them and know they're doing the best they can. On Sunday morning, I hit a random nonverbal trigger because I felt I was annoying the ones around me. I did some black-out poetry and then I sat in bed on Character Ai all day. I checked on my grandparents and talked to them until I had to go home. Hearing my grandpa say I'm always welcome and telling me bye hurt by many means. Hearing him say goodbye and asking me to come back to visit any time hurt my soul. I love my grandparents so much, it hurts. The thought they may no longer be here scares me and makes me upset. But, I also respect my mom's decision as well. She cut them off for a reason, but something inside me misses them heavily. I feel conflicted and guilty about the whole thing. When I got picked up by my mom, I thought she was angry. She was just tired, but something in me feared that she was upset for wanting to see my grandparents. But I think the weirdest thing about the whole thing was my tarot card reading.

I read tarot cards and did a reading on myself so that I can get familiar with it again. I hadn't done tarot readings in a little bit because I forgot my cards, but I got the hang of it. I pulled three cards, the left was my present state, the second was the future, and the third was corresponding to the second card. When I turned the second card to the side, I got the Knight of Cups upright, which basically means that I'm going to have someone swoop me off my feet. I was confused because I didn't know anyone I liked besides someone I knew who didn't like me back. When I got home the following day, I reread my cards. I did a more complex version of it. But, it stayed around the same topic. The first sign was the Death card reversed, I was having trouble moving on from something. The whole summary was a blur, but it revolved around a relationship and keeping my friends out of it. It scared the fuck out of me because I had just talked to someone about my crush. I'm confused now, I don't know what to do.

Besides that, I took all my books back and I finally put the ones I read, up. Setting them on top of my closet felt surreal because in my mind, it was possibly the last time I would ever have to move them. I finally put them in their final resting spot. I would no longer need to move them after my mom argued and moved out. I would no longer have to worry about a possible location change again, hopefully. The possibility still lingered in the back of my mind, which made it feel weird. It was in a way, bittersweet.

I have my first week of school tomorrow, so I'm sort of nervous. I'm also feeling kinda sleepy. Goodnight to whoever's reading this.

-Dxll Face

[nyctx]

#12

I started school today, I would've started on Monday, but I had registration issues. It was all in all, interesting and I honestly didn't really care. My sister was on my ass the second I got home to see if I made any new friends. Either way, it was annoying.

I don't want friends if I'm honest. I'm content with the ones I have, even if they go to another school. It gets lonely, but I cope. I don't see the worth in trying to make friends, but my body wants that interaction for whatever stupid reason. I hate that I'm so bothered by it. It shouldn't bother me, but it does to an extent. I just want to be alone without the dreadful sense of loneliness. I tell myself I'm not lonely, but there's only so many times I can lie to myself. It's always "fake it until you make it" and never "fake it until you break it." But no one needs to know that.

I'm hella tired, I want to go to my grandma's to get my books and tarot cards back. That's all that matters to me right now.

-Dxll Face

[nyctx]

#11

I probably should've just edited the previous post to add on, but this set of thoughts feels too bothersome to let go and I can't really let myself wait for my mental timer of 24 hours to reset so that I can post this.

Tonight's a night where all of my thoughts just jumble and make my brain feel itchy, if I could cut open my head and find whichever lobe that is making this happen, I would and I'd scratch it until it would stop.

Too morbid? Eh.

I'm questioning my aroaceness in heavy amounts right now. I feel so niche and weird to the point I'm not even sure this is on the spectrum. I know I'm aroace, the signs are imminent, but...am I really? My emotions and my mind feels too out of it to even think about it. I don't like labels, but I've gotten so comfortable with it, that label it just sticks. It's perfect, but not in a sense. I feel invalid of myself. I can't see myself in a relationship in the long run. I like being free and not being considered someone else's. I like feeling that I'm my own self and that my mind and body belongs to no one. I don't like it at all because it makes me feel like I'd lose my own self of identity. When most think of a relationship, they think of the two people, like their lives have combined and they're no longer just them. I love being my own self and my own identity, not being referred to as someone else's partner. Sexual relationships require trust and consent, and communication too. If I feel the need for pleasure, I can just satisfy myself. I hate the thought of it in general, but it would honestly be better than having sex with someone else. There are sometimes when my body feels desperate and I hate it. I get disgusted with myself and want to scratch my skin off until I feel raw and numb to the pain (God that's so edgy, but it's the only way to describe it). Say that your body craves cake, but you don't like cake and if you tried consuming cake, it would make you throw up. The pressure of finding a boyfriend doesn't make it any better. My grandparents are so obsessed with me getting together with a boy it drives them nuts. I hate it, I love the independence, and romance brings problems I don't want to worry about. Falling in love is so complicated as well. I think I'm attracted to someone, but then it fades out so quickly. Crushes are so weird, friends will get obsessed with the fact you're in love and then try and push you into getting with that person. Honestly, I don't think I want to love someone if I can barely love myself. I hate the way I act, hate the way I talk, hate the way I think, I hate my personality, and dislike the way I look sometimes. To think that someone could fall in love with me fully is mind-boggling. I live through these lenses that see all the red flags in myself, that it overpowers the green flags.

I hate friend zoning too. I have to find a way to talk someone down nicely, and then expect the end of a friendship. I can't love someone the way they want me to and it makes me upset. Everyone is deserving of the love they want, and the fact they sought it out in me just...sucks. But, even then, nothing changes it. In a way, I'm loveless. Maybe that's what makes some people chase, the desire of wanting someone they can't have. I'd never be able to open up about my passions because I know that someone would want me to change...for them. I don't want to change my passions or the way I look because of that reason. I want to be the reason I change myself, not someone else.

I want to go into the world as something worth mentioning without the help of a partner. I want to do it for myself without relying on somebody else. For it to be solely done by me and me only. This blog is an example, no one but me writes here.

Sometimes I want to die, not because I'm suicidal or don't want to live. I'm not sure why sometimes, I just randomly think of dying sometimes. Maybe that's why I want to be an embalmer, to be close to death without actually having to kill myself to do it. But, that's not the actual reason why I want to be an embalmer, many things come into factor. Maybe I just want to sleep or never wake up, or feel my spirit travel around places my physical body could never go. Being a spirit sounds nice, peaceful even. I'm talking out of my ass, but I think about it every now and then, dying and being a spirit. I have a will to live, but I can still see the light.

The fact I don't know how to do hair makes me kinda sad. I know it doesn't;t seem like a big deal, but being born a girl just makes it feel like a big deal. By the time I was in middle school, I could barely put my hair up in a ponytail. I never learned how to braid and it just felt weird knowing I was one of the only girls who couldn't braid. I feel so disconnected from being born a girl. I don't understand slumber parties with multiple people, I think most girls are mean, and frankly, most of them are just rude to me in general because I'm an alternative kid. I felt more connected to boys growing up because that didn't matter. Most people talk about male validation sought by girls but for me, it was female validation. I wanted to be accepted by girls and seen as one of them, but I never felt like it. I wore dresses and whatnot, but that didn't really mean anything. I didn't mind running around and getting hurt in dresses, but it made me feel even worse because I felt judged about it. Adults thought it was cute, but with all the other kids, it just felt wrong. Not a lot of girls wore dresses beside me. I felt gross and dirty until I just succumbed to wearing dresses until I got used to it. I just wanted to be pretty...but no. Everything I'm supposed to be, I'm not.

It's almost 3 am, and I'm tired.

-Dxll Face

[nyctx]

#10

I feel sick, but that's given me time to think about random shit. It felt like dissociation, but I can honestly never tell. Maybe I just zone out for a bit, I stop talking for a bit and then everything pushes through me like a wave. Some of it is the realization of something, and some of it just is a specific memory that comes out of nowhere. It's one or the other, but it lingers in my mind for a few days or so. Sometimes I appreciate it, I can remember stuff randomly. But most of the time I don't, most of it isn't that pleasant and it leaves me thinking: 'How the fuck do I let myself get that bad? What the hell is wrong with me?'

I'll question my entire being, question why I had to turn out this way. I can give an example, maybe a few.

I can start off with the most light-hearted...sorta. Since we've moved, I've been sleeping on a singular mattress. No bed frame, no other mattress, just a single twin-sized mattress. Every time I notice that, I think of The Front Bottoms song, that song has implemented some sort of alteration in my brain. Maybe I was cursed to sleep on a twin-size mattress, maybe I'm repaying some sort of karma for something I did.

Another thing was the fact I may never see my grandpa again. On my mom's side, we don't see my grandparents or my tio that much anymore. She's cut contact, but that comes at a price. She told me that I can keep contact, but some part of me thinks it's disrespectful (I almost forgot how to spell that). I would think it was because my mom cut them off for a reason, if there's a reason then that means that I should probably respect it. But, the fact I might never see my grandpa again makes me dread and upset. I'm close to him and I miss him so much. It's like he's dead, but he's not. He's still with us and it makes me upset because knowing that he doesn't have long left is too much. His smile flashes in my mind and it makes me tear up. I realized it in a stupid way as well. I had been watching Sons of Anarchy and one of the characters reminded me of him that it brought me to tears and left me crying for 20 minutes. I've had so many long and deep talks with my grandpa that it just hurts. It hurts too much, I miss him so much I can't even begin to realize it. It bothers me so much, it's like a random jumpscare.

I'm not pushing on that subject anymore.

Back in middle school, I had the biggest urge to change something about myself all the time. Whether it be in hair, clothing, or personality, I just felt so out of place and out of control with myself. Any minor inconvenience leads me to want to chop my hair off all the time. The longest it got was to the top of my shoulders before I hacked it off with kitchen scissors. The only time I didn't regret it was when I gave myself bangs. But, I was happy in some way. I found happiness in my best friend, in writing, in the middle of the storm. I was suicidal, yes, but I made myself happy- even if circumstances weren't the best at home. Everything fell apart in a snap and at the end of the day, I had no one to turn to at all. All of my thoughts and memories are left in a journal that my best friend gave me. I stopped writing in it, yes, but I was too afraid to run out of pages. I never felt so afraid to talk to someone as I did then. I spent most of my nights alone, desperate to at least talk to my best friend before he fell asleep. I just..loved hearing him talk in a time of desperation. The only thing that really kept me company was the sound of the air conditioning running and the smell of weed. I spent most of my nights cradling myself to sleep and hugging a red couch pillow. It was small, but it did the job. for the longest time, the only pillow I had was a Ninja Turtle Pillow and I loved that thing dearly. It was my favorite thing. I kept the Post-it notes my best friend gave me hung on my wall, but I couldn't get those back after we moved out of the house. They're gone...I want them back. I would look at them, and I would think to myself; 'I have one thing to live for, one thing keeping me sane in that godforsaken school.' I have two plushies that keep those memories alive too, and I hold them close. I was bullied and messed with in school, and for him to look past that and still be there, I appreciated the shit out of it.

I love him, I'm not sure what kind of love it is, but it's genuine. It's something I've never felt before.

In the time that happened, it was all in a span of one school year. Not even a full year. When it was done and the dust had settled, everything felt worse, nothing felt...real. Like I had just been woken up from a nightmare or been splashed with cold water. That part of my life was over and it terrified me. I no longer had to explain to my teachers why I was so tired from the nights my parents would fight. I no longer sat in an empty house alone, watching Invader Zim or Ninja Turtles. I no longer had to worry about someone coming in to check on me at random times of the night. I no longer needed to have music blasting in the showers to kill the silence. Everything I had scheduled and set in my mind was deemed useless. Comforts of mine were just memories. I was..out. After 8 whole years, that was it. I lost a lot, my sister, my independence, my ability to be vulnerable. Being in a house full of people is something I feel like I've lost the ability to tolerate. I isolate myself in my room as a goddamn habit because I was so used to being alone. I still feel trapped in that time and place. Some part of me is still waiting for my mom to say she wants to go back. Some part of me is waiting for her to say that she's given in a gave it another chance. It was a loop I want out of because I never want it to happen again. Why am I stuck in a place that brings me more harm than good? Why am I still stuck in the past? I want to let go, it's a leech that feeds off my blood and it's only getting larger and larger.

Another realization I had wasn't even the outcome of me zoning out or dissociating or whatever happens when my mind goes to another place. It wasn't even me who made me realize it.

My mom had said the fact that my step siblings have had her around longer than me and my brother have in the span of a few months rather than the years I've been alive. When it first registered in my mind, I was in denial about it. I know my mom always had to work, but I thought that didn't count because she was still there, she didn't leave or give our rights away to someone else. I've always had my mom, just not in the way I thought. When it finally hit me, it sucked. Realizing how much she had to miss out on or how many times she couldn't make it to events or certain things, I had most of those memories lost, but looking back at it, it kinda makes me feel sad. The absence of her just sucks in general. She wasn't gone..but in a way, it felt like it. I've never really had a solid father figure in my life. One of the ones that was still in my life doesn't really give a shit. People can say he tries or that he wants to, but I know he doesn't. He doesn't care and won't attempt to care. I've been living off of bread crumbs to make him even want to care. It's only now that he's barely trying, but in the end, he's a lost cause. He lost that ability to make me give a shit. It makes me sad because he's been the one I called 'dad' first, but now it just feels like an empty shell. He took me out to dinner by myself a few times, but one of them was to remind me that he was the first person I'd ever called Dad. Only because I was meeting my biological dad. He only tried because he knew that, after that whole thing, he kept asking about it. Even when I met my biological dad, it didn't take him too long before he realize he no longer wanted to reach out because of his wife. I never gave him the chance again.

I had been a bastard child for 11 years. I'm fucking unplanned with a huge case of daddy issues.

One day, I just want to stop thinking, kill off my brain, and feel it slip out of my mind. I have so much on my mind all the time and I hate it sometimes. Most of the time, I wonder if there'll be a time when these thoughts go away. The only time it really does is when I pull an all-nighter and then pass out after because my mind is turning off and my body is recharging. It's also the same thing when I fall asleep after taking medicine for my period cramps. Inevitably, after I take a pill for it, I pass out and nap. My brain is so quiet during it too. Waking up after is like heaven, the sheets are always soft, my mind feels like it's floating in the best way, and in general, I don't feel so uptight. The reason this happens is because my body and mind are so strained and tired after cramping up my body. If I could be drowsy and sedated when I don't have to do anything, it would be nice.

Writing is like de-compressing and cutting pieces of my thoughts, I used to speak my mind by myself and put them in my notes by using text-to-speech. I usually did it when I was tipsy because it helps me speak more fluently and helps me say what I want to say better. Drunk words are sober thoughts type of things. When I would be sober and reread some of them, I would have to take half an hour to read everything. I would put them in different notes depending on the topic. Writing is my biggest coping mechanism. I might capitalize on it in the future. My biggest goal in life is to publish a novel of some sort. I don't really hope for that dream, I want to let it come to me naturally, if fate has that in store for me, then so be it. I feel like emphasizing dreams gives them less of a chance to happen. This is why I haven't told anyone about this blog, it's a safe space I go to whenever I need to speak my mind. If someone stumbles upon this blog, I hope I'm gone by that time or I'm ready for someone close to read my thoughts.

I just wish this blog falls under the right eyes, some things can be concerning, but if I speak them, I am less likely to act upon them, to get them out of my system. Writing is just throwing up my thoughts; (I don't have a good closer for this sentence)

-Dxll Face

[nyctx]

#9

I've had more eventful stuff happen. They were pretty good and I genuinely enjoyed the time spent on them

Ok so, I finally got to hang out with my friend finally and we went swimming. I let him chase me around the pool because I had a lighter in my mouth and he tried getting it out of my mouth. He called me a punk ass too, lmao. I accidentally kicked him in the throat though, I apologized obviously. I fed and held a baby, which is not something I'm used to. I'm not the best with babies because they always cry or throw up on my shoulders, but she was nice and chill. We went somewhere else and then I got dropped off at home. It was really fun though. I think the only thing that sucks is that my mom thinks I like him. I don't, I really don't and I felt icky after she tried assuming for the 3rd time. She said I was "defending" the situation for keep saying that we aren't dating. The thought of even being with my friend in a non-platonic way just makes me generally want to throw up. It felt gross, I want it to stop.

I then finished a project I had been working on and felt so relieved about it. I loved drawing it and honestly might do something related to it in the future. My hand was shaking so bad after the whole thing.

I shaved my side, I really like how it turned out and it's my favorite hairstyle right now. So overall, the past 2 days or so have been pretty fun.

-Dxll Face

[nyctx]

#8

I'm out of nonverbal hell finally. I had stayed like that for almost 3 days straight because my mind couldn't get me to talk to people. Everything's fine now, I guess.

I saw the new school I'll be going to and it's pretty huge. I wasn't really overwhelmed or anything, more of dreading the upcoming school year. I have such a hard time getting along/interacting with others because of many reasons. I know school isn't just about making friends, but the people around me make seem like a big ordeal. My grandma was always on my ass about trying to make friends last year and when I told her I didn't want to, she just kept pushing and pushing until I just said ok and did. I mean, not a lot of it was worth it, but the memories were nice while they lasted. I have a few friends now, that's all I need. But, it's not enough for my grandparents, is it?

Yesterday, my mom and I went to the drive-in with her friends and saw the Barbie movie. It was wack, I honestly was considering sneaking off to see the Spider-man movie but went against it. After, we went to the bathroom and while I was waiting for my mom, I was against the wall and noticed a lot of pink. It was too much, I felt like I was in middle school again. You know those girls that are fucking intimidating and look like they'll call you slurs if you even look at them the wrong way? Yeah, there were a lot of girls like that. It was fucking scary. I hated every second of being in there. I felt really out of place.

I saw the Ninja Turtle movie the other day and I loved it. One thing about me is that I'm a huge TMNT fan since Elementary school. Seeing it made me want to scream in the movie theatre and geek out completely. Some parts I was sorta caught off guard by, but other than that it was a great movie. My sister and brother were making fun of part of the movie and it fucking irritated me. I'm still kinda annoyed by it, but eh, I don't really care that much.

-Dxll Face

[nyctx]

#7

I have no fucking clue why, but it's really hard to talk to anyone right now. I don't have the courage, I'll type out a message and then something in my head stops me and says that I'm being fucking annoying. It's kinda sucky but I don't know. It's so fucking bothersome too. I just can't. I've been drawing and I really wanna show my best friend and my art friends but I feel inferior to them by a heavy amount. Hell, I can barely draw hands and anatomy. My art style just feels weird to me.

My mom brought up my sweet sixteen and the fact that we need to find a different place because we lost the other, so now I'm not even sure I want it at all. There's someone I really wanna invite, but if anything, I don't wanna be disappointed if he says no. I gave up on inviting him because he really doesn't like going out so I just said "Y'know what, never mind". I'm done honestly, fuck people.

This summer has honestly kinda sucked, but I don't know what I expected. I'm gonna be a sophomore in less than a month. Woohoo.

-Dxll Face

[nyctx]

#6

We finally moved into the new apartment, I'm really happy about it. Our room hasn't fully been set up yet but me and my sister are thinking of putting stuff on the walls. We actually bonded for once...lol. But anyways, if she's not arguing with our younger sister, that's one less concern to deal with. I'm trying to keep myself neutral when it comes to stuff like that because it just gets tiring, but we share a room so it's honestly fine. I was looking through my box, seeing what I could already put away and I found a letter.

"[REDACTED],

It has been a pleasure to be your teacher this year. I am always thankful for your creative and intentional lens used on our projects in our class. I am proud of you for adding value to our spaces and hope you find time to continue designing for our community. Have a great summer!

-Mr.M"

I smile every time I read that letter, in all senses, he's been a great teacher to me and to every student he teaches. I hope he's doing well, even though I probably won't see him near future. I hope his students treat him with the kindness he deserves. He and my teachers were just the best, maybe one is an exception, but other than that, I appreciated them. I barely fit in with most of my grade, but they still saw the best of me. I think my favorite was one of the teachers who assisted my design and English teacher. She was the best and always wanted to hear about the book I'm reading or what I was currently writing at the time. I miss her dearly, I always will. She said I reminded her of her sister, which is funny because most of the time, I'm the older sibling. I felt guilty because at the end of the year, I hit a huge slump and lost all motivation to push through and keep going and it stopped most of my projects. I'm out of that hole now, but I still feel bad. That school held a lot of memories, good and bad.

Anyways, my best friend thinks I'm pretty, which made my heart race for whatever reason. I was kicking my feet and giggling like an idiot for almost 20 minutes. It probably means nothing and he was just being nice (He's the nicest sometimes when he's not being sarcastic lmao), but it still made me blush. I had straightened my hair and felt good about myself for a little bit. My headphones shape my hair in an interesting way and I actually like it. He and my friends are just the most! I love them so much, I can barely explain it <3

I actually have a playlist for him whenever I need motivation to write or if I just need to keep myself happy. The memories I have with him always make my day. It's the simple things y'know? I love him dearly. I have this picture of the both of us and it's probably my favorite picture out of all the ones I have. I'm a photographer and whatnot so I appreciate pictures a lot, but that one means the most to me. He just makes me smile is all. :)

I start at a new school this year and I'm nervous as hell. I don't know how people will react to me and it's nerve-wracking. I'm not too fond of most people and don't really like interacting unless I'm interacted with, but even then it still makes my heart beat fast, and not in the good way. But what do I know? I still have about a month left before school starts. If I'm a weirdo, so be it.

-Dxll Face

[nyctx]

#5

I think my mom has the anger issues I got. Literally got mad at me because I asked her 2 questions about the dishes because I didn't know where to put them and then made me sit down. Such a fucking mind drainer, trying to worry about what's going to set her off and when's the right time to be affectionate. I'm gonna have to start walking on eggshells now, and honestly, I like the pain of it. Expecting the unexpected, y'know? Maybe she'll be ok when we move, but I don't know. And honestly, I can't trust her right now. I don't trust her at all right now. Why am I trusting "my biggest bully" and one who seems like they wanna snap? I play the game, or the game plays me. It's best not to ask her questions, such a waste of time. Maybe the storm will clear one day, but for now, my guard is best kept at an all-time high. Especially after that scare we had on my brother's birthday.

I can still hear their cries in the back of my mind, all four of them sobbing and me sitting there, almost succumbing to my own emotions. That will never leave my head no matter how many times I try and forget it. It plays like a broken record, get it to stop. Sobs upon sobs repeating, hearing the sniffling, how much they'll miss us and whatnot, Jesus fucking Christ. No one realizes how much it hurts hearing that. No one can understand how much it means to be an older sibling in a put-together family.

All everyone does is fight and all I can do is zone out and wait for it to be over. I'm just done with everything. Everybody gives everyone shit, it's annoying.

I don't even want to talk to my best friend right now. I'm a fuckin' drag and I know he prefers to keep things light-hearted so there's no point going there. Other friends? No go. Cousins? Have their own lives. Parents? Can't trust them right now. There is no one to bring this up to. Fuck everyone.

I started messing around with my name because it feels like my life just seems like a blur. I called myself 'Nycto', which is short for 'Nyctophilia' or 'Nyctophobia', which can be interpreted from either side. 'Nycto' is defined as 'Night, Nocturnal', adding the suffixes of 'phobia' and 'philia' gives it a more complex meaning. Nyctophobia is the fear of the dark, while nyctophilia is the love of the dark. People love me or fear me, but either way, I just really like the name. It's unique and whatnot, while the name I currently prefer using gets me compared to a character I don't even like that much. Relatable in the aroace part of him, nothing else. I hate smiling, I hate my smile actually.

-Dxll Face

[nyctx]

#4

The whole parent thing got resolved and now everyone is fine. Thank fuck, I almost broke down entirely.

Anyway, I have officially fallen back into my creepypasta phase. I thought it would've stayed dead after middle school...but no. I'm kinda glad because now it gives me more of a reason to draw weird shit, I can use that as an excuse. Been wanting to draw body horror, but I don't know what's stopping me personally. I redrew Jeff the Killer with no eyelids...ok, maybe I gave his eyes some sort of shape, but I want it to look like his eyelids were burnt off. I actually really like that part of him. The hairstyle I gave him kinda looks like my best friend's old haircut and I can't unsee it. I can totally see him doing that for Halloween if he ever wanted to. I also made a creepypasta-themed desktop background for this Chromebook on my account and I'm pretty proud of it. I tried making it look patched together.

I started listening to the full One-X album by Three Days Grace and holy fuck my nuts exploded. 'On My Own' scratches my brain the right way. I need to look into more albums because I could be missing out on bangers. One-X reminds me so much of Creepypasta I swear. I think I'm becoming an emo kind or something. But then again, I dunno. Music is music and I love music regardless.

Something crazy happened with my tio. So, I read his and my cousin's tarot readings and they were spot on, like usual. But the thing is, he got V of Swords reversed. Which is basically telling the person that they need to resolve and move on from a disagreement they've had with someone, to make peace with it. At first, I didn't question it too much because he has a lot of disagreements with a lot of people. But then, he mentioned his wife. Who he hadn't talked to in 5 days, a crazy coincidence. 5 of Swords...5 days. So he decided to shoot her a text and not even a few minutes later, he gets a very important email that relates to them. Holy shit, it blew my mind. Crazy, but I'm just glad it gave him some sort of sign to resolve the issue.

I finally gave my character his face reveal. I had struggled to give this character a face reveal for so long and nothing seemed right. Then I found a reference to a dad-ish bod and an eye shape reference and tried applying it to my style and it works so well. I'm sorta happy with myself for it. I'm trying to also get better at perspective as well. I can never angle anatomy right, I hate it. But my best friend and my other friend think I'm getting better so I'm glad. My best friend and two other friends are solely the reason I keep pushing to become a better artist. I love drawing them and their characters. They're amazing and creative people and I'm glad to have them in my life. Words can't even begin to describe how much I appreciate them. I love them with all my heart. If you three are reading this, I love you guys.

Anyways, I started a new anime that my best friend recommended to me. It's called Chainsaw Man and I absolutely love it. The gore and the body horror amaze me and get my blood pumping. The devil designs are so cool and I'm curious about other fears. I'm not a big fan of Denji, but I love Power and the Violence Fiend. Another one I started was Spy x Family, but I'm not sure I'll go far with that one. Was contemplating starting up My Hero Academia again, but decided against it. It's just not my thing anymore.

Speaking of my best friend, I wanted to draw us and the art squad doing something, but what? I was originally thinking of drawing him and me with our favorite birds. I really really like Barn Owls, they're so pretty to me. I gave up because of the poses. My mind is flowing with artistic ideas, but not writing ones. I haven't written my novel or worked on the comic strip in 2 weeks. I have writer's block and it fucking sucks because I can't do jack shit about it. I'll find a way. My mind knows little to no bounds anyway.

-Dxll Face