oashwriting

[oashwriting]

thank god the worst man you've ever known (texas state governor Greg Abbott) decided not to ban all forms of THC (for the money more than anything else) so i can continue (legally) smoking shit that numbs my brain until i stop ruminating on all the innumerable Horrors (being self aware enough as an American to see the impact of your nation's imperialism on others, but not enough to actually Do something about it because literally what am i supposed to do against it all? my dad has cancer and i still haven't finished my fucking degree and i still haven't found depression meds that work for me because i don't have health insurance and i can't get a job and i don't have my own place because rent is over $1100/ month for a studio apartment and I can't get a fucking job and everyone is disappointed in me but no one will come out and say it because they're scared that that'll be my last fucking straw but i don't have the heart to tell them that i don't fucking care about myself anymore. i wish i wasn't born here or born at all. it makes my skin crawl to think of all the people that have fucking died because my country's government is full of genocidal fucking maniacs and that somehow the people would rather vote one of them in than consider any other options. I've been dead for a long time. all that's left is a spirit of rage who's sick and fucking tired of everything being the same as it's always been.) Thank god i can still smoke my non-FDA regulated synthetic weed.

[oashwriting]

people are being killed and families are being torn apart and children are being enslaved but I'm supposed to work a fucking 9-5 and keep my shit together? how? how can anyone live like this?

[oashwriting]

i can't take it anymore i feel like I'm going fucking insane why isn't everyone losing their fucking minds i want to scream i want to cry i want to die i can't take it anymore please let it all end i can't take it anymore i don't want to live like this i don't want to exist in a world like this i don't want to live alongside people like this i can't take it anymore i feel like I'm dying which is stupid because people are actually dying and starving and weeping for their loved ones and i can't take it anymore i can't take it anymore i can't take it anymore

i used to think i hated the world, but now i realize i hate people because people hate me and hate people. i can't take it anymore.

[oashwriting]

i love my home but i hate this state so fucking bad. it hates me too, so at least we're even.

[oashwriting]

i don't want to be a person anymore, if this is what it means.

[oashwriting]

So this is my first Christmas Eve alone. My family is extremely Swedish so we do most of our Christmas celebrations on the 24th, and only a little on the 25th. This year, I'm with my girlfriend and her family in Boston, or a whole 26-hour drive away from my home in Texas.

And it fuckin sucks????

Don't get me wrong, I love my girlfriend and her family very much and I don't have an amazing relationship with my parents. HOWEVER. I don't get ham tonight??? Or swedish meatballs??? Or flatbread??? There's not fuckin disgusting ass lutefisk stinking up the table????? I won't get to have my dad's (significantly less Swedish) eggnog french toast tomorrow morning??? I won't be opening presents tonight????????

So, I brought a little of my family's Swedish Christmas up north. I drew (or attempted to draw... i am not skilled) some dalahäst cards for my girlfriend's family. I'm opening the gifts my family sent up tonight. I'm calling my parents in a little while. Maybe then I'll feel a little less alone today.

[oashwriting]

[oashwriting]

i don’t know. i’m barely a person. i just want to be kind and hold someone’s hand. eat an ice cream cone. stare at the lake. feel the sun on my skin. lay in the grass. run through a sprinkler. it’s so easy to forget life is supposed to feel like a deep breath and not a gasp

[oashwriting]

i get a weird little culture shock every time i go back to boston after visiting home so I'm preparing myself for that since I'm leaving soon. my hometown is in texas and we don't have recycling, but my gf and her family (in boston) are very very adamant about recycling and following all the little recycling rules. here i can eat or drink whatever i want but up there, i get judged for drinking soda or eating something unhealthy. everything is so goddamn expensive there and so much more affordable here. i can see the sky here, wide and blue, but i rarely see much of it up there. i feel like i can breathe here, but i constantly feel like I'm suffocating up there. obviously, texas has a lot of issues but it's also the place where i grew up and the place i fell in love with, so it's hard to not compare it to my new home constantly.

[oashwriting]

what is the point of living if it's just the same thing every day?

[oashwriting]

feeling hopeless because surely there must be something more to life than this. where is my great adventure? where are the heroes? where's the magic? where are the things that make this life worth living?

[oashwriting]

lmfao and now you're not responding at all when i try to explain my thinking. really great. feeling super fucking unlovable.

[oashwriting]

why do i have to be the one to apologize every fucking time when you make me feel like shit constantly??? maybe i overreact sometimes but you literally never take any fucking accountability for any of your actions

[oashwriting]

i want to die, but not like in an "i crave the sweet release of nonexistence" sort of way. i don't like the life I've been given. i want to die so i can be reborn and have another chance at happiness. i feel that, if i continue living this life, I'll never truly be happy. i want to start over, clean slate. wishful thinking i guess.

[oashwriting]

nothing changes. nothing gets better. no one changes, and no one simply cares. all you can do is accept and try to stay alive.

[oashwriting]

Everything is starting to feel suffocating again, my brain needs some rest