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[oblitus-sum]

4 years at Imperial are finally over. I can’t believe how quickly time has flown by.

Made it to the dream university I’ve set my eyes on since I was in year 7, and survived 4 long years in it. Not been the easiest time, but I got all emotional today when the head of the department said “Never forget- you will always be Bioengineers, wherever you may go.”

Thank you Imperial for everything you’ve taught me.

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Exam season is always a bit traumatising for me. I’m not scared of exams or anything, but it’s the timing, bc it’s a reminder of when I lost my dad. I had an exam the day before and day after. I remember coming out of my first exam just running back home. I couldn’t breathe on the train journey back because I didn’t know if I had anything to come back to still. I was a bit relieved when I went back to the hospital and daddy was still there waiting for me.

Idk what got into my mind thinking I could go into the exam the day after he passed as if nothing happened, but we survive still. I know he wouldnt have wanted my education to get affected, bc he’s the one that trained me to be the nerd that I am today.

Almost 3 years since he passed- I can’t believe how fast time flies.

I miss you Dad.

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Went to a wake earlier of one of our old church members, and it was really humbling.

Death has always been a sad concept, because it’s the end of someone’s life- the end of a relationship with that person, whether it’s with their family, friends or other loved ones. Yet what struck me the most, and what I’ve observed with events like this, is the atmosphere that Christians create. On the screen, they had the lyrics up for one of the songs they would sing. It read “Forever God is faithful, forever God is strong, forever God is with us, forever.”

Despite their grief and mourning, they make use of every opportunity to praise and thank God. Whether it’s times of celebration, or times of difficulty- they continue to give glory to God. And that serves as a remainder that God is greater than any circumstance we face. He gives and takes away- but he will always remain faithful to us. He will never leave our side.

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!!! 

God loves you so much, that hes not going to let you settle for your dreams, hes gonna give you his

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Made the most difficult decision I’ve faced so far in my life haha.

I didn’t think I had the strength to say no to such an amazing offer and PhD position.

But I spent a good 2 hours contemplating and asking God where he wants me to go. Through the story of Abraham, he revealed to me that sometimes he wants to take us to unknown places, only with his promise that he will make things work out for us. Abraham left everything he was used to behind and followed God, without even know where he was headed. Yet he did so, having full confidence that God would lead him to a place that God has perfectly crafted, and having faith that he has a plan for him. And surely enough- Abraham became the father of many nations, as God had promised.

In order for God’s plan for Abraham to work, he needed to take him out of his comfort zone. To leave behind everything he was familiar with, and what he became used to. Because he had even bigger dreams for him.

I turned down the offer, not because it wasn’t any good- actually, it’s almost too good not to take on. But because God revealed that he has a plan for me, elsewhere. It’s a risk to leave behind the security and familiarity at Imperial, but I trust in God’s will for me. I know that he has a plan for me, that needs me to move to a new place. As scary and risky as it may be- I feel at peace knowing that God has already gone before me and he will be with me every step of the way.

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Final year reflection part 2

The other thing I wanted to take God for is the direction he’s given me in terms of what to do after Uni. 

Btw- I’m doing a PhD! :D

Over the summer I was blessed with an opportunity to do an internship with Lightpoint Medical. Initially I thought it was a software engineering. Instead, I was quite surprised on the first day to be welcomed into my Research Internship hahha. Nonetheless, I had an amazing time and it made me realise how much I enjoy research. 

When October hit, I realised it was time to start looking for jobs to apply to. I started looking for roles such as Data Analyst or Research Engineers. However, none of the roles that were available seemed to capture my interest. I know that I want to work in a medical imaging company, but most of the roles required someone with more experience, particularly with a PhD background. Eventually I got sick of job hunting- and went on linkedin, where I stumbled across PhD applications at the institute of Cancer Research. The projects I found were super interesting and really got me excited, as they were exactly on what I wanted to do which is Cancer Imaging. As a joke- I asked my mum how she’d feel about me doing a PhD.

Eventually I finally convinced myself that actually, this could be something that I wanted to do. All my experiences have ended up being in the research field, both academic and in industry. I wanted to make a contribution in Cancer Research, and I know that I specifically want to work for Medical Imaging companies. The roles I wanted were in research engineering. All of these things lead me to consider applying for PhDs, in Medical Imaging, for Cancer Research. It took a lot of time to persuade myself- but I’m now convinced this is what I want to do for the next 4 years of my life. 

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Final year reflection part 1

Thought I’d write a blog post, since I finally have time to breathe. 

I can’t believe I’m practically halfway through my final year in uni. So much has happened- and so much I’m grateful for, so I thought I’d write it on here. 

I probably need to split it up into separate posts, because I have so much to say about each thing hahah, but t shows that God is so good and he just continues to show me his amazing works in my life. 

I’ll start with my masters project. 

I’m in my final Masters year and ended up with a project I’m really excited for, with an amazing supervisor. 

When I was first choosing my projects and supervisors, I had a chat with at least 4 supervisors I was interested in. All of their work interested me and they each had one project I was interested in- but I knew that I wanted my focus to be in Cancer Imaging, regardless of what imaging modality. One potential supervisor I spoke to had super interesting research, with cancer imaging used in surgery His research seemed really similar to the company I would be working for in the summer, Lightpoint Medical. So I brought this up during my meeting with him. Turns out- they actually would be collaborating TOGETHER. On that same day I met him, he had a meeting with my research supervisor at Lightpoint. So I took this as a sign that he could be my supervisor? However- the one thing that put me off was that he seemed a bit awkward and difficult to talk to at first, which made me question whether I would get along with him. Additionally- he wasn’t in my department and I knew that he had an important role in the Hamlyn Centre, which made me think that he could be busy. I had a bad supervisor in my 3rd year group project, so more important than the project I took was the supervisor I would be working closely with. Because of this- I almost didn’t put him first as my supervisor, even if his project seemed really interesting. I almost put this other guy- who seemed friendly and easy to get along with. However- at the last minute, God allowed me to get in contact with one of his students who told me how he was as a supervisor- and that he graded you down based on how much help you asked from him. Literally this was the night before I had to submit my options. I changed my options completely and went with my gut feeling and put my soon-to-be awkward supervisor first instead. 

Despite my fear of being assigned to a busy and awkward supervisor- I asked God to take control and specifically prayed for him to choose a supervisor for me that will be supportive with my work, and a project that I knew I would enjoy. Ultimately the supervisors decide whether they wish to take us on or not. I received an email in September stating that I got assigned to him and at first I was hesitant- but I said “God, you’ve got this all planned out and I trust you.” 

And surely enough- he did what he said. After 2 months of working with my supervisor, I can truly say that he is super supportive and encouraging. I was scared he’d be busy- yet he manages to make time for weekly meetings with me so I can update him on my progress. Actually this started off as meetings when I met him twice so I can get a grasp on what I have to do. After this, I left him alone for a bit so I didn’t bother him- instead, he set up a meeting between us and stated that he got worried after not receiving anything from me hahaha. This really did surprise me, but nonetheless I am grateful for a supervisor that continually checks on my progress. I was scared he’d be awkward and strict- but I’ve seen how supportive and close he is with all his PhD students and Masters students, as he always asks them what they’re up to and if they need any help or guidance. Although it took a while, I am now quite comfortable with him, as we can have conversations outside of just my project work. Lastly- although the project seemed difficult at first - it is exactly what I wanted to do: Multispectral imaging of Brain Tumours. I was quite envious of all my friends doing machine learning final year projects, whilst mine was just image processing and optics. However, as I learnt more about my project- I learnt that my project would also involve machine learning as I am set the task of determining whether we can use optical imaging to detect regions between cancerous and healthy tissue in the brain, to assist with improving success rates of brain tumour surgery. Thankfully my EEE module- Pattern Recognition- has provided me all the tools I would need to undertake this. What’s even more is that it’s not just machine learning for the sake of it, but I love the clinical application of my project, because I work closely with a Neurosurgeon on this project. All in all- I am super happy with my final year project and my project supervisor. 

I know that’s long and if you’ve survived this long through it- well done haahha. I’m mainly writing this for myself though, just as a reminder of how good God is to me. He allowed me to have an amazing final year project on cancer imaging, and my supervisor and his team have been super supportive on this journey of mine. Despite all my fear and anxiety- I asked God to take control and he did exactly that.  

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Trusting in your ways for me God.

Because even when you say no- I know that you’re just re-routing my steps and leading me elsewhere.

Rejection? More like re-direction haha.

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I’ve never been afraid of haircuts. When I cut my hair, it’s usually because I’ve left it for too long and my hair has grown to what my mum calls a “bruha” length hahah. So whenever I cut it- I go all the way.

However, this is the shortest I’ve ever cut my hair and I’m not quite sure I like it this time. I’ve never really noticed how much self worth I place on just my hair alone - only really now that it’s sort of gone... haha that I’m sort of left in the deep end.

But that’s okay. Hair grows. Esp my hair- it grows REALLY fast.

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Katie Clova

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A tiny bit scared of the future- 4th year, finding a job and drastic changes in the next year to come. 

But turn those worries into prayers, and hopefully it will work out. GIVE ME PEACE LORD :(

[oblitus-sum]

Comparison- before studying the word

I need to address my personal fear of Linkedin.

I think the reason I’m so afraid of Linkedin is because it really amplifies and worsens my greatest weakness - comparing myself to other people. 

I’m not sure how to go about this post and if I will address it in the right way. But I need to deal with my fear and this weakness of mine. My thoughts are all over the place right now, but I’ll try my best to word this.

I think I can say that I’m a hard worker and I strive to achieve in all that I do. But despite how much I do, I know that somewhere out there, there’s always someone that is going to be better at what I do. Someone that knows more languages, someone that’s better practically, can think more creatively , has more work experience, etc. For the first year of having linkedin, I used it to see what my classmates are up to, what experience they’re building up and how they’re portraying theirselves in the working role. I did so in secrecy, keeping my account as private as possible.  I knew that that this was bad for me mentally and emotionally. Every time I saw someone in my year do something amazing, it would automatically make me feel like I’m lacking in my own abilities and that I’m not working as hard as they are. Instead of using this as a motivation, it really brings me down silently and it drags my spirits a bit. But hey ho, I move on and just get on with doing the best that I can do. I do realise how toxic this is, so I tried to stop myself from using linkedin entirely. 

However, the more I went into my course the more I realised how useful linkedin can be in other purposes asides from my personal stalking and so I started to use it to also display my experiences, achievements and etc. For a while, I was also proud of myself because I realise that I do have things to share and things that I have accomplished. Despite this, I still find myself in the same trap. I find myself looking at other people’s experiences and achievements and end up comparing myself to them once again. 

And just like that- I start feeling like crap once again. It’s a never ending cycle I find myself in every time I open up linkedin. 

I know that I shouldn’t feel this strongly about a website designed to help me career-wise. But linkedin isn’t the enemy here. It’s simply the enemy’s way of using my weakness against me. But now that I’ve acknowledged this, I want to do something about it. 

I’m not sure for how long, but I’m going to stay off linkedin. Instead, I will use this time to study what the Bible says about comparison- hence the title: Comparison, before the word haha.

I wrote these thoughts up so that I can look back at it after and see my progress in overcoming this weakness of mine. 

And to encourage me on this journey is this: 

2 Corinthians 12:9

Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.

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I’m such a family person.

I go one night without my family and I end up in tears haha.

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5am thoughts

Father’s Day always breaks my heart a tiny bit.

I remember last year being extra bad. Last year at church, they were giving out gifts to all the fathers. My auntie was in charge of distributing he gifts so she gave it to all the kids and the youth to give to the dads. She saw me, looked me in the eye and decided not to give me one. I know she didn’t mean any harm by it and it was to avoid reminding me of the fact that my dad was no longer here, but it made me tear up nonetheless. I had to go to the toilet where I could cry in private haha.

I’m scared of what will happen again later at church when I am again reminded of this fact.

I miss you daddy. So much.

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Cute boyfriend appreciation post ☺️💕

Had the maddest stomach ache ever, from eating yoghurt before working out. Ian came over and surprised me, but didn’t tell me he was coming so I refused to open the door until he eventually told me it was him hahaha.

He fully brought me twinnings tea and cute bananas, and stayed to make sure I was feeling better. (I only buy twinnings tea when on sale haha.) Thanks fam, for being super cute innit

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“One word of God can do more than ten thousand words of men to relieve a distressed soul.”

— John Flavel (via worshipmoment)

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mayapolarbear on ig