ofallthedreams

[ofallthedreams]

this user has partial hearing loss

[ofallthedreams]

Reblog if you have ever been scolded as a child (and as an adult) for not realizing that someone was talking to you.

[ofallthedreams]

Would you recognize me if we met?

[ofallthedreams]

I don't think I'm fat. I know I'm fat. There's a difference. I don't just see fat. I can grab it by the handfulls.

[ofallthedreams]

[ofallthedreams]

Don’t you love it when you give everyone your all and you get absolutely nothing in return. I am not asking for much just a “how are you?”

[ofallthedreams]

Is it weird…

…that I have a huge thing for broken people.

Please don’t get me wrong. I’m not romanticising Depressions or mental issues or whatever.

It’s just that…I don’t really know how to describe it but when someone tells me they’ve been through a lot and tell me their sad stories I feel that need to help this person. I wanna care for them and hug them and give them all my love. I never wanna let them go. Most of my friends are broken as hell. And I love them so much!

I am a broken person too. And no one ever cared. I just dont want anyone to feel that way.

So just know if you’re going through something right now (could be anything) and feel like you’re alone with it: you’re not.

If you want to talk about anything feel free to just dm me. I’m always here for you. I dont care about skin colour, religion, sexuality or whatever. I care for you as a person. No matter who you are. And I promise I’ll always be 100% honest with you.

[ofallthedreams]

Loneliness

I am lonely. It’s not like I don’t have friends or people I could talk to. There are definitely people who love me, I know that for sure. But it’s something else that makes me feel lonely. Something deep inside me that just tells me that I don’t have anybody. I have people I can talk to, but I tell myself that they would never understand me and that I just annoy them. They can tell me the opposite infinite times and I still wouldn’t believe them. I’m so sorry about that because I know that they want to help me want me to be happy. But there is just no way that I can be happy.

I think I annoy my very best friend. She’s always been here for me, but I feel like she did this out of pity, not because she likes me. It’s not her fault I feel like this, she doesn’t do anything wrong. Anyway, I feel like that with every person in my life. My film crew, my other best friend, my crush. Everyone is annoyed by me, without a reason. For me, it’s just clear, even though they would never admit this. They would never admit this out of pity, they feel sorry for me and don’t want to be a bad person. So they just stick with me. Currently, I am playing with the thoughts of just doing the work for them. Letting myself go from everyone.

But that’s just a part of the loneliness I feel inside me. The other part is just… I don’t know how to say it. I’m isolated. Yes, I spend most of my time in my room, but even if I am playing Basketball with my friends or if I go to school or if I just spend time with my family… I feel like I am the only one who feels like this, and with that I feel isolated and lonely. If I think logically, I know for sure that I am not the only one who feels like this, not the only depressed person on this planet. There are hundreds of thousands of other people who feel similar. But I’m a person. I feel depressed, I cannot think rational all the time. Well, if I think about it, yes, of course, I can think rational all the time, but I cannot steer my feelings with my thoughts. But my feelings can steer my thoughts.

I want her to be mine, yes of course. But at the same time, I know that this will never be the reality if I stay the way I am. If I never text her. If I never ask her to do something. But at the same time, I don’t want to text her. Not because I don’t like her. I really like her. But I’m exhausted. The problem with depression is, that most people think it’s just a lot of sadness. But it isn’t. It ain’t a synonym for sadness either. Depression is loneliness, exhaustion. Just think about it. If you lost your will to live, you are not sad, at least not necessarily. You are exhausted. Exhausted from your work. Exhausted of social contact. You are exhausted from being alive and keep going.

But you have to.

Please keep going.

[ofallthedreams]

I fear I fucked up

I ate too much. Too many cookies. Too much cheese. I lost control.

Please send me some sweetspo. I can’t take another night crying through

[ofallthedreams]

I remember

I remember what it was like to be only pounds away from my Ugw

I remember when my parents would beg and scream at me to eat

I remember when everyone was watching to make sure I didn’t throw it up after

I remember the first night I skipped dinner

And I remember the doctors appts

Them threatening to put my in a mental health ward if I didn’t gain weigh

I remember my thighs not touching

The feeling of complete control

I remember it

And I will get there again

[ofallthedreams]

I’m trying not to freak out about this, but as someone who’s been suicidal in the past and has struggled with depression for years, that was NOT the ending that I wanted for Quentin. The whole show just feels tainted for me now. 

[ofallthedreams]

Me everyday

I am not sure where I fit in this world sometimes I think I am just here to be born, live, and die. I am not meant to be remembered. I am not meant to be loved, appreciated, embraced.

[ofallthedreams]

“I’m not scared about her cheating on me. I’m worried that one day, she’s going to wake up and see the drool coming from my mouth, the stretch marks littering my thighs and the crater-like pimples that adorn my face and back and realise just how ugly i think i am. The ugly that i hoped that you’d never notice because you’ve said from the beginning how beautiful i am and i’ve slowly been starting to believe you. The ugliness that i have when i’m overly jealous or insecure or the ugliness when i can’t leave the bed and it hurts to breathe. The ugliness when i scream and screech about how you didn’t pick up your towel or forgot to wipe down the table, again. So no, to answer your question, i’m not scared about her cheating on me. I’m scared she’s going to start seeing me the way i see myself.”

- from the girl that is too scared to tell her lover 

[ofallthedreams]

I cancelled all my plans because I have no energy to live.

[ofallthedreams]

I’m temporary.

I’ll always be temporary.

[ofallthedreams]

[ofallthedreams]

I found it again