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Tell Him by Jameela Jamil

Bloody hell, where do I start? 

I suppose when writing something about feminism, I can’t help but feel that it’s not only us who should be learning and growing, being armed with motivation and understanding. I think so many women have the power to infiltrate misogyny in their own homes. It starts by never taking for granted how poisonous society can be to the male psyche, and protecting boys from the onslaught of misinformation everywhere. They are bombarded with dangerous imagery, song lyrics, peer pressure and often quite damaging/violent/entirely-intimacy-free pornography, all of which is sold to them as a glamorous and realistic norm. Men are throttled with toxic masculinity and given made up ideals that they are forced to subscribe to. They are belittled and rejected when they show signs of sensitivity. They are mocked and insulted when they show their pain or “care too much”. Even the fact that music that is kind to women or talks about feelings, is considered “wet” or labelled “sad boy music.” It’s such a potent, rotten marinade that boys grow up soaked in. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t some “poor boys” appeal. It’s just that in my opinion, it’s as if men are recruited young and brainwashed, in order to be indoctrinated and manipulated into an oppressive patriarchal institution. This is a call to arms for the women who have boys growing up in their houses… We have a lot of work to undo… Mothers, sisters and aunties, I implore you to take this little sponge, and render him sodden with humanity and an understanding of women. It will send him into this delusional world with an armour of empathy and self assurance, that a strong woman is something to be celebrated and not feared/crushed/undermined/spoken over/stopped/humiliated/shamed/blamed/discouraged/controlled/told that to be worth anything int his world, she must have big tits, but a small waist and thin arms, oh and a big pert arse but absolutely no thighs and a young face (forever.)   All you have to do is tell him the truth. Tell him what happened to us. Tell him our  whole story. Tell him how only very recently we were able to fight, protest, beg and starve our way to basic human rights. Tell him that a long time ago, as far back as you can imagine, men became afraid of women. Women could make people inside their bodies, they could feed those people using just their bodies. They had an extreme and quite scary tolerance for pain, and were distracting and beguiling for men. On top of all of this, we were equally able to learn, to hunt, to keep ourselves and our kin alive. AND we have tits. TITS. Who doesn’t love tits? Whatever size. They are simply fantastic. Men feared that other than their semen, women had little need for the,. And actually, we were very self sufficient and tough, while at the same time being able to arouse men and sometimes drive them quite mad with love/lust/possessiveness. We held quite a lot of power. And so, using the only thing they had over us, physical power, they fear mongered an entire gender into submission and controlled us for thousands of years. Tell him that we work the same hours, with the same skill sets and the same qualifications and get paid much less, just because we were born with different chromosomes. Tell him we were only recently allowed to choose who we love, rather than be sold by our fathers to the highest bidder, however unattractive/unkind/unsafe/boring/old that man may be, with no question as to what we wanted. And tell him this is STILL going on in many countries around the world TODAY. We are still second rate citizens in many places

Tell him about what it’s like to be a woman. Tell him we have to be on guard, literally ready to protect our lives, every time we walk down the street at night, walk through a park, get into a cab, take a train, go out drinking, walk to our car, go on a date, be in a lift with a stranger, be in ANY BASEMENT EVER, sometimes we even have to feel afraid in our own houses because there is a constant threat to our safety from men, both strangers and the ones we know. Make him sympathise with us and feel protective over us. Tell him to cry when he is sad, tell him how important it is to talk about his feelings. Tell him it is better to be soft and strong rather than be hard and weak. Never let anyone tell him to “stop being a girl” when he is showing sensitivity. By narrowing our ridiculous prescribed gender roles, we will come closer together, and no longer be such a mystery to one another, which will dilute the fear and mistrust men have towards us. And by making him a more mentally stable and secure person, you will far lessen the likelihood of him being infiltrated by our insecure and pathetic patriarchy. Treat him with kindness and empathy. Make him feel safe. Do not betray his trust. Your relationship with him will shape his entire outlook on women. So that in every girl he looks at, he will see you, and feel love and respect. Make sure he confides in you from a young age, so you will have a sense of what poison is pouring into him, and do not judge him (to his face, you can totally judge him behind his back, and to your friends…) and explain the correct fair path in a way that makes it sound fun and appealing. Tell him about sex. Not just reproduction. Sex. The pleasurable fun part of it. The joy of equal pleasure and enthusiastic consent. Do not shy away from this. Do not make it an awkward topic in your house. If you push him into the shadows, he will find porn hub in there and that will become his teacher. And nobody wants that shit. Nobody. Learning to have sex from porn, is like learning how to drive from The Fast and The Furious. A bloody horrendous idea. Tell him it’s ok to watch porn but to know that it’s a fantasy, sometimes a down right lie, and that the women are acting, and they are being paid to pretend to enjoy every *brilliant* thing the man comes up with. Explain to him that real women are specific and nuanced and that sex where she feels wanted, appreciated and catered to, will be 10 times better than when she’s doing what he wants to do, even though she isn’t in the mood, just because she’s afraid of disappointing him. That’s not sex, that’s just a wank he’s using a woman’s body for. Hell, show him a documentary about the truth behind porn. Scar him for life. Tell him about the history of the word “No” for women and how new it is to our vocabulary, and how if he were to abuse our historical conditioning to bend to the whims of men, it would be the greatest sin and sign of weakness he could show. And when it comes to sex, tell him technical consent isn’t the gold standard but the complete basic foundation, and anything less than a woman being enthusiastic about something sexual that is about to happen is a bad thing and a sign that he must stop whatever he is doing and talk to her. Tell him that being generous in the bedroom will be reported far and wide amongst women across the lands, because we tell each other everything, the tales shall travel far and wide, and his name shall become legend amongst us. Tell him about your hopes and dreams so he grows up wanting them for you and feels as though they are important. Tell him how you feel. Don’t always be perfectly stoic as we have been conditioned to pretend we are, which in turn means that men overestimate our coping ability and then push us to the fucking edge. Build a man who understands that we are only human and have needs and sometimes need help. Tell him that we are smart. Show him smart women you admire. Tell him to look for that in a girl. Show him films with tough female leads from when he’s young. Tell him that we are funny. Show him funny women. Tell him we are strong. Tell him that’s a good thing. Tell him it’s cool. Tell him it’s sexy. Show him how strong you are. Don’t just pick up after him. Don’t just pick up after his father. Command the respect you deserve. Be his friend. Be his teacher. Spend your life with and raise him in front of, a good man who shares your beliefs and respects you. Do not ever sell yourself short. We may have to fight our generation of men, (and the one before that,) for our rights, our safety and for our voices to be heard, which is sad and frustrating. But we have a golden window of opportunity to completely shape the future of our entire society from our living rooms. Build these men from scratch to fit women, rather than to take up all the space and force us to compact ourselves to the little corner allocated to us by them. God we must be pretty amazing to have overcome all of this shit. Tell him.

from Feminists Don’t Wear Pink. (A book of feminist essays from various writers, curated by Scarlett Curtis. One that you should definitely buy for Christmas!)

[officialjameelajamil]

Please can we bloody ban airbrushing?

I was so thrilled to be asked to shoot the Cover of Virgin Magazine, and even more thrilled to hear they were keen to honor my request for no airbrushing of my face or body. This means a lot and is a desperately important stance to take in honor of the 10’s of millions of women (at least) who struggle so much with their self image, due to decades of impossibly demanding body standards being inflicted upon us, and false imagery being used to subliminally manipulate us into a feeling of (needless) disappointment in ourselves. 

It’s something I’ve been asking for since my career began 10 years ago. I only sometimes get my way, but I will never stop campaigning for it for these three reasons:

1 It is done in the name of “fantasy.” What message does it send to women (and men) everywhere, that a “fantasy” female is normally only ever one who is impossibly long, and thin, with flawless (and normally lightened) skin, with a thin face, a small nose, large lips, big eyes, and no wrinkles ever, at any age. Why can’t the fantasy ever have some back fat? Or be in a wheelchair? Why can it never be unsymmetrical? Why can it never show the dignified and important lines of a life lived and survived? What is that one, constant, “flawless,” doll like fantasy telling all normal women everywhere? That we are not to be fantasized about? We are excluded from the desirable group? We are the rejected? We didn’t make the cut?

2)  The dishonesty of it. There is no mention of alteration, so we are left with the manipulative subliminal messaging that someone else achieved the forever pre pubescent “fantasy” but we can’t. We have failed. Her breasts have been plumped, her legs lengthened, her skin smoothed. But all in secret. It’s so dangerous to put these images into the world of women who themselves often do not even meet the requirements, without the help of a computer, and say nothing of it. There should either be a detailed declaration in small print of the features altered, or we should see the original image and celebrate the humanity and reality of the subject and her photographer. Who frankly, may as well not bloody be there if a computer is doing all the work. Where is the dignity in it? For anyone involved? 

3) It is offensive TO ME. To be airbrushed, which is never even discussed with you beforehand, is not a kind act. It’s a passive aggressive attack. To see a simulation of myself, a “flawless” version that I myself could never reach in reality, does not make me feel flattered. It explicitly informs me that I was not good enough on that day. Or on any day. What I am, must be covered up, altered and hidden from sight, or else people shall find me harder to look at. When magazines have in the past altered my ethnic nose to look more caucusian and button like, or lightened my skin… I feel racially offended. When I see that my cellulite and stretch marks that I spend my every day with have been deleted, it makes me feel bad about myself when I see them in the mirror. A feeling I didn’t want or need, which I then have to fight and dismiss in the name of feminism and basic bloody humanity. I am human. I have lived. I have been through a lot, and some of those things have marked me, and I do not feel shame about those things, I do not think someone else has the right to make me feel I should. 

Airbrushing is not supposed to be used for anything other than removing a stain on a wall behind the model, or maybe even a single hair out of place that ruins the shot. To use it to alter a face and body, to sell a lie to women, which will more often than not hurt the way in which they see themselves, and could well lead to a possibly unhealthy lifestyle in order to achieve the prototype you made with your computer… is a crime against an entire gender. It’s unacceptable. And it has to stop. “Perfect” imagery in magazines hurt me as a teenager, and made sure I never felt good enough. I don’t want to be a part of that for someone else. 

If I look tired/wrinkled, or chubby, then I look tired/wrinkled or chubby, Let my worth as a grown woman who has many parts to my existence live without shame for this. If these pictures that will come out of me on this cover repulse you, then what does that say about you? Because it says absolutely nothing about me. 

I had a fabulous time shooting for Virgin, with a talented team of artists, and I look forward to seeing what we made together. 

Jameela x

[officialjameelajamil]

Chris Parsons is the best photographer, he’s @parsons on Instagram. 

[officialjameelajamil]

GUYS! That was so much fun! Thanks for all the questions for my @tumblr A.T. See you soon. I have to go to work now, but do follow my instagram I weigh page, or my personal @jameelajamilofficial insta page if you ever want to message me. Lots of love. xxxx

[officialjameelajamil]

How do you find way to love your body? Do people not say things to you that ruin your confidence?

THEY TRY but I have too much respect for myself. x

[officialjameelajamil]

Hi! First, THE GOOD PLACE SEASON 3, LET'S GET IT! Next, I love your "I Weigh" campaign. How were you able to love yourself and body as much as you do? I find it hard for me to do so... Was there period when you didn't love your body? When did you realize that you're awesome? (Also, love you!)

I hated my body as a teenager, as people all wanted to be anorexically thin, like Heroin Chic runway models. I now look back and can’t believe I wanted to look like people in the world who are genuinely living in famine. SO DUMB. I got hit by a car, and broke my back, and survived and eventually fully recovered, and after that I became a really big fan of my body no matter what I looked like! 

[officialjameelajamil]

What's something you learned in school/uni that you didn't expect to be useful, that ended up helping you a lot in life?

Bullying lol. It toughened me up for hollywood. That was very unexpected. 

[officialjameelajamil]

Skincare/beauty tips please 💕?

DON’T DRINK, SMOKE OR DO DRUGS. XXXXX

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Girl how’d you get so goddamn funny?

VERY AWKWARD TEENS! 

[officialjameelajamil]

How do i love my self?

by unfollowing people on social media that make you hate yourself. Also, therapy is good!

[officialjameelajamil]

Hi Jameela! I would like to thank you for the I Weigh movement, it's been so helpful for those moments in which your self-esteem is so low. Now the question is: of all The Good Place characters, who would you rather be stuck on a desert island with?

Elenor, she’s scrappy and would be my leader. x

[officialjameelajamil]

Stone Cold Steve Austin on Tahani’s body or vice versa?

vice versa

[officialjameelajamil]

your confidence and no-crap-taken attitude towards women's body image issues are incredible!! advice for learning to love yourself more?

every morning write down the things that are good about you and your life. x

[officialjameelajamil]

do you have any authority at all on the gayness of tahani?

I have no authority but I’m SO down. x

[officialjameelajamil]

Hey Jameela how are you? for you, what were the biggest difficulties when taking the role of Tahani, and how was the coexistence with Manny during and after the romantic scenes?

Manny is such a GENTLEMAN. Kissing a friend is never not weird. but he made it easy and quick! The hardest thing about tahani is how much I hated her until season 2, she is so annoying. Now I love her though. 

[officialjameelajamil]

As a taller women, I often find it difficult to feel secure and comfortable in my own body - especially if my close friends are so much smaller. On The Good Place, not only you, but your character, seem utterly confident and graceful. What tips can you give to your fellow taller-than-average people out there? (Love Tahani btw, used to watch you on T4!)

Being tall is brilliant and beautiful and so helpful for getting stuff off shelves. I love being so tall and I love wearing heels. nobody fucks with me. x

[officialjameelajamil]

i want to know how to accept my body for what it is and love myself. please give me some tips on what i should do thank you!!

Make a list of all the things in your life that you like and are good at. Focus on those and do some light exercise every day, it releases happy endorphins, is good for your heart and makes you feel strong and in control.