ofmyinnerthoughtsandmemorie-blog

[ofmyinnerthoughtsandmemorie-blog]

THIS IS TEMPORARY

[ofmyinnerthoughtsandmemorie-blog]

If You Care

If I didn’t know how to understand from others perspective like you say I don’t, I wouldn’t even bother talking to you again now especially after all the hurtful things you’ve said to me after things ended…when all I did was just reach out to you. 
If you truly care for like you keep saying then why did you just give up after trying for two weeks,
If you care then why do you just ignore me when I’ve made a mistake 
If you care then why do then why do you make me second guess myself like that
If you care, why’d you make me feel wanted one day and extremely unwanted the next
If you care, then why don’t you show it to me
If you care, why don’t you fight for me to stay, regain my trust and affections 
If you care, why do you hold it against me when I say I need time to let you in again 
If you care, being just me should be more than enough to make you want to stay 
If you care, why don’t you want to give me your attention and time
If you care and wanted us again then why do you talk of an old flame asking you out after all these time and hurt me like that

[ofmyinnerthoughtsandmemorie-blog]

For Nat

Hey there, I know that I’ve barely touched the surface of getting to know you and I’m not sure if you’re ghosting me. Anyhoo, I just wanna tell you how much you’ve help me and thank you for everything you’ve done. I was pretty broken from my break up and talking to you was comforting in a way. It provided sort of a distraction and let me know that there are so many other amazing people out there that I’ve yet to know, that is so much more to explore.Thank you for giving me your opinions and ideas for my promotion planning. It helped a lot. For just being there and trying to cheer me up through my first rough month of working life. For giving advice like don’t eat so much of sales rep staple to go food, wear proper shoes when being a promoter, rest more and eat ibuprofen when having menses and etc. Giving me links on how to better pitch a sale. Consoling me when I’ve had a rough day or when I’m second guessing about being a sales rep. Encouraging me to explore better options if I can. For telling me stories of your travels, nerd talk, some of your experiences. For remembering the little stuffs I told you about. For having lunch with me and then not letting me pay - I still have my ways of returning the favor ;) I think you need more food in you though, hehehe. My fav of all is the country song you played for me (well maybe you had already recorded it earlier but I’m assuming its for me anyway, so yea :P). I listen to it when my spirit needs lifting. All in all you were nice to me even though you didn’t have to or know me that well…but you were anyway out of the kindess of your heart and who you are. For all these I’m eternally grateful to having met you even if its just for a short while. I am extremely glad I hit the super like button, definitely one of the best and smartest things I’ve done so yea :)

There’s obvisouly so much more to you and just by what I know of you, I already think you’re amazing. I know you’ll be a great teacher someday like you’ve always dream about. Students will definitely be naughty but extremely lucky to have you, hehe. I hope all your dreams come true cause you are deserving of all that’s good in the world and I hope that life is kind to you always. Lastly I hope you find what it is that you’ve been searching for and that God breathes his favor in your direction always. I wish you happiness, peace and contentment. Thank you for being you :)

[ofmyinnerthoughtsandmemorie-blog]

Every day I face the temptation to text you, ask you how are you or just find some sort of reason to talk to you. Came across a quote today and it reminded me of how we were both awake at 1am and you were like come let me give you a hug and lets go back to sleep, I’ll meet you in dreamland. That memory hurts. I know it’s the right thing to let go and move on but its proving to be extremely tough. Why do you mean so much to me when I meant nothing to you. Another day gone.

[ofmyinnerthoughtsandmemorie-blog]

Just when I've thought that maybe I can move on from you and let go of all the memories. I see something or hear something that reminds me of you and I'm back to missing you so much that it hurts..how can you just move on and act like nothing ever happened :(

[ofmyinnerthoughtsandmemorie-blog]

I wonder if you were prepping to get over me when you were mad at me…am I really that easy to forget? I always thought that you retreated into your shell further because of the first fight we had. Now looking back on everything, you never could let me in and never really gave me a fair chance to begin with. You’re my first and I’ll always have a special place for you in my heart. I know that in your own way you did care for me. Thank you for making me feel special and wanted even if it was just for a short moment. Thank you for helping me grow. Thank you for all the times you’ve comforted me and cheered me up. Thank you for pursuing me. Thank you for staying as long as you stayed. I hope you find someone that helps you sleep through the night and not have those sudden wakes at wee hours in the morning. I hope you find someone that’s there to comfort you on your extremely exhausted days or when you just had a fight with your family. I hope you find that safe haven in someone…the place you can go to no matter the circumstances and anytime. I hope you take care of yourself, eat wholesome meals even if you’ve no appetite from exhaustion, not overwork and overwhelm yourself, do stuffs for yourself, be happy. I hope you chase after that dream of yours. You’re amazing and I know for sure that you’ll do great at it so don’t doubt yourself because you are absolutely deserving everything good. And if you do doubt yourself, always remember that I believe in you, you can do it, you’re a great scientist, you always give your all and that’s all that matters. Lastly I hope that you finally let someone in and let the walls come down enough so that the world can see what an amazing person you truly are. I know there’s much more to you, I’ve always felt it. You deserved to be loved and adored.

[ofmyinnerthoughtsandmemorie-blog]

Honestly what horrible thing have I done to deserve to be ignored and treated like this when all I've done is compromise myself so that you don't retreat to your bubble. I'm tired when all I've been doing everyday is just crying. I just need someone to hang on too while I fix myself is that too much to ask..

[ofmyinnerthoughtsandmemorie-blog]

The agony and frustration of waiting for you to love me right finally got me to work up the courage to get some help today. Took the lift to the 7th floor where I saw there was an office that offered counseling services. I rang the door once but left before anyone could answer. Walked to the end of the hallway before deciding to turn back and rang the door again.

[ofmyinnerthoughtsandmemorie-blog]

All I’m feeling right now its just emptiness and anger towards you, I curse the day I met you. 

[ofmyinnerthoughtsandmemorie-blog]

Torn between feeling angry and being patient waiting on you...It seems like I’m always waiting on you to come around..

[ofmyinnerthoughtsandmemorie-blog]

I just wish you that could just rip the cord already, be done with all of it and safe me the agony of waiting. Maybe that’s your whole plan all along huh, string me along as long as you can, punish me for hurting you. You always say that you’re tired and gonna go to bed, can’t talk but when I want to tell you something and go on whatsapp I see that you’re still online. You just don’t reply my text. Maybe I never had any importance in your life to begin with. 

[ofmyinnerthoughtsandmemorie-blog]

This is probably plain self-torture but the way you smile at the end when you sang this to me is my most favourite smile of all smiles

[ofmyinnerthoughtsandmemorie-blog]

A Redo

During this few days of being on a timeout, I’ve done a lot of thinking and one thing that popped up in my mind was if I could go back and do it all again what would I do differently. So here it is, if I could go back to that night, I would tell her that she’s an amazing person and I’d be glad for her to be my first even though I can’t be hers. I would be a little intimidated by her experience but I’ll try my best to make her happy in my own way. Your past is in the past and I am your present. You deserve every bit of loving one can possibly give and more.