ofwavesandislands - Tumblr blog

[ofwavesandislands]

It started out as a spark, a little fire,

And we both liked the warmth

we brought to one another.

We enjoyed our moments, the vulnerability,

the differences, and the little fights.

How could you, one day, burn it all

And everything that surrounded it?

How could you throw everything away

And feed the flames as they continued to swallow?

I'm running out of water

[ofwavesandislands]

I find it amusing that I feel more liberated when I'm alone than when I'm with people. For a long time, I felt imprisoned by the people who were supposed to make me feel free and open. I became more damaged when I was with them, and I've been wondering if there's something wrong with me that causes bad things to happen, even when I was a child. It's been years since I got away from them, but I still don't feel completely healed. Although I feel more free, there's a part of me that feels like it's not entirely authentic.

[ofwavesandislands]

[ofwavesandislands]

I'm not much of a believer in romantic love, which is probably why, when it comes to movies or TV series, I prefer sci-fi, fantasy, action, and comedy. I don't even see myself settling down with someone because I'm selfish, and I can't give up so many things for just one person. However, I recognize love when I see it, whether it's romantic or not, and I believe that love is the foundation of humanity and faith. Everywhere I look, I see it, and anytime I ask, I hear stories about it. Although I may not be a big fan of romantic love, it warms my soul when I see love in different forms, just like when I saw these two dogs. #sonya7iii #petportrait #dogs #doggo #petphotography #petgallery https://www.instagram.com/p/CqKxNODvhOG/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[ofwavesandislands]

As the waves crashed and swirled around her, they seemed to sing in unison, each one telling a story about her beauty. The setting sun cast a warm glow on her skin, creating a stunning silhouette of her figure. And as she walked along the shore, her footprints left a trail that beckoned me to follow her into this magical place. https://www.instagram.com/p/CqMlSmVvn39/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[ofwavesandislands]

I sometimes wish of becoming something else. Something that isn’t me. Something that doesn’t carry the memory and the weight of the past. Something that doesn’t have life but has a purpose. I wonder what it would feel like to be stripped away of life, of knowledge and wisdom, of emotions, of anything that makes me human.

Like I could become a pencil that can be used to create something beautiful or write someone else’s story and when I run out of lead, I served my purpose and that’s just the end of it.

But just because I’m human, we’re humans, it’s not that simple, is it? We have been searching for our purpose since the beginning of time. We have been searching for answers but we only end up with more questions. We’ve been working so hard to find something we know we might not be able to find at all.

For some people, they find purpose in their religion, in their faith and relationship with God. Some find it in the work that they do, in their passion and art. Some find it in the family they’ve built. Some find it just by simply living. And yet, there comes a point when it feels like it’s still not enough.

I don’t actually know why I’m writing this. As someone with mental illness, with so much baggage and so much trauma, I still can’t find a purpose. Everyday is still a struggle, a fight and lately I’ve been losing more than winning.

[ofwavesandislands]

It’s here again. The frequent episodes that keep me up at night. The never ending thoughts, the vivid memories that haunt me whenever I try to close my eyes. I thought I’ve already convinced myself that I’m way past this phase, that maybe full healing is possible, that maybe my nights would finally be just normal nights, ending in peaceful sleep. But, no.

I’m lying here lying to myself. Hoping to finally sleep but it’s here.

It’s here again. The endless regrets, the countless what ifs. What if I have spoken sooner? What if I escaped earlier? What if I never came back? I know. I’ve been talking about the abuse for the nth time now. But maybe, just maybe if it didn’t happen, it would be easier to sleep and not just sleep. Maybe it would also be easier to interact to people, to express fully and not mask any negative feelings with humor. But, no.

I’m lying here, untrue to myself. Hoping to finally sleep but it’s here. It’s here again.

[ofwavesandislands]

I was experiencing another episode the other night, another nightmare involving my father.

I couldn't go back to sleep, afraid because I don't want to see him alive again, even in a dream. I would rather preserve the image of him dead in my head because there, I know he couldn't harm me or say anything hurtful anymore. Yes, maybe I'm bad, maybe even worse. What child would rather have their father dead, right?

Sometimes, I still can't understand why some of my siblings remember him differently. Haha. Maybe because they all stayed in one place where the concept of good and bad is twisted. It's funny; we were all raised by the same man, but they see him as a good father. Maybe he was, at some point, but for me, the bad outweighs the good. He was nothing like a father figure nor a good provider. And towards the end of his life, he didn't even bother to correct his wrongdoings. He wasted his remaining time drinking and giving in to lust.

I wish I could conclude this with at least one good thing to say about him. I wish I could see him the way my siblings do. I wish I could just forgive and forget, but I don't want to.

[ofwavesandislands]

What if this is hell for all of us?

That from the moment our souls leave our bodies, we start to slip away, jumping from one memory to another and reliving the worst things we did to other people and the worst things they did to us.

What if this is how our lives end?

When all that’s in front of us are the things we hate the most about ourselves and we have to look at it over and over again. And our eyes are just wide open and we can never close it.

[ofwavesandislands]

Why it wasn’t meant to be

I will always wonder what happened to what we had before, but lately, I have come to accept that it wasn't meant to be. Nevertheless, there are certain things about you that I will always love. The way you listened to my voice, my stories, and even my nonsensical ramblings will forever be etched in my heart.

I remember how you used to nuzzle my neck and find solace in the safety of my arms. Your unwavering gaze, even in the midst of strangers, gave me the assurance that you never wanted to let me go. Those moments made me feel secure and loved, and I am grateful for having experienced them.

But now, our love has come to an end, and I have made peace with that. I find comfort in knowing that I have loved and have been loved. What was once a story between us has now become a valuable lesson. I will never let go of someone like you again.

Despite everything, I still miss being with you. You have taught me the meaning of true love and the importance of never settling for less. Even though we are now shattered pieces of what we used to be, I cherish every single fragment. You are the most amazing person I have ever known, and I will always love you.

If fate allows us to cross paths again, a simple 'hi' would suffice. It would remind me of the love we once shared and how much it meant to me. Even though we weren't meant to be, the memories we created together will always hold a special place in my heart.

[ofwavesandislands]

“Do not let your hurt child self make your grown up decisions.”

Been battling with this for years.

I’ve put up walls, didn’t let people in,

Used to dwell in the pain of childhood,

Carried the burden as an adult,

Brought it wherever I went,

Let it explode to other people

when it couldn’t contain itself

even when I thought I already gave it

more than enough space to hide itself.

But that’s the thing about hurting,

It would only hurt you more and hurt others

Unless you let go and let yourself heal,

By letting the right people in,

And the wrong ones out.

After being diagnosed with Bipolar and PTSD,

I thought there’s something wrong with me,

But the only wrong thing was thinking I’m helpless.

It’s funny if you think about it, fearing help

but silently wanting to be rescued.

Put down your walls.

Speak your voice.

Lightbulb moment!

I prayed,

I called a friend,

And I’m feeling better today.

[ofwavesandislands]

Another episode

It's 5 in the morning. My brain has started doing its thing again. I'm stuck between waking and sleeping. I think I'm dreaming, but only about real stuff: the scary things, the ones I've been trying so hard not to think about. Funny how when my body gets the rest it needs from a day's work, my brain insists on overusing itself. It's as if it knows when to attack me. Maybe it's another episode, another one that comes with the condition I was diagnosed with. I should know if it is. It usually brings up the ones that hurt, and right now it does. And if the hurting isn't enough, it dives deeper. It won't stop until I give up trying to get to the surface again and breathe.

I'm a fighter. I'd usually fight the thought and try to sleep. No matter how small the bed, I'd roll myself to find a position I thought would bring me back to sleep. But this brain has taken control of itself. It knows my tricks, and it won't let me take control again, not even when the sun rises, not even when it starts setting again. Another episode, another day wasted. The day has just started, but I have to decide if I've given up already or keep trying.

Waking or sleeping, I hope there's a switch. Life would be easier. The in-between is not the place I'd like to stay for long.

[ofwavesandislands]

I don’t usually post about my mental illness but I’m sharing this anyway.

“Where would we be, we wretched people without the generosity of our betters?” - Henry Wingrave, The Haunting of Bly Manor

Back in 2020, I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 with Psychotic feature and PTSD, most of which I got from my childhood and other unpleasant experiences. Right then, it all finally made sense how I respond to people, how I manage my emotions, and how easy I get upset even with the smallest issues. I didn’t even want to admit that there was something wrong with me and I didn’t want to accept help from other people and myself. I’ve also attempted to end my life more than once.

But, it is only through the generosity of my friends that I started getting better. My former housemates were so patient even when I’m failing to pay my rent. Our other friends would even invite me to eat at their house when I’m not feeling okay. My other friend from a bible study group would even drive from Quezon City to Las Piñas just to come with me to my first psych eval and he would even continue to support me financially for months, even years just to see me get better. And for all the other friends who check on me from time to time and try to support by buying my artworks and merch. I guess, it’s true and it’s proven many times that no man is an island.

I’m still a work in progress. I’m managing my emotions better now than I did before. I’m learning to process the situations before responding to them though sometimes it takes a long time. I’m learning to see my wrongs and unlearning to count the wrongs other people do, and finally learning not to hurt people with words because I know my tendencies. But, from time to time, I still fail and I know I still will so please bear with me when it takes time for me to resolve a conflict, when I couldn’t reply to your messages immediately, when I need time for myself and it sometimes takes longer than weeks and months. It wasn’t easy learning these but it was harder unlearning the things I thought was right. I’m just glad I’m finally trying.

*cries in Valyrian language*

[ofwavesandislands]

Another minute

I am alone and I’m dying.

I’m running out of breath.

And I gasp and I gasp and I gasp for air.

Hoping to live just for another minute.

And maybe, just maybe someone would come

And be the last light, the last person I get to see

Then maybe, I could finally say my goodbyes

Before darkness comes, before I close my eyes

And I’d be at peace and I’d feel loved

Because in that last minute someone was there,

and that someone knew and that someone cared

And I wasn’t alone.

[ofwavesandislands]

Touch

I was made to believe that when I die, I’d either go to heaven or to hell. But it’s not that simple, is it? Here I am, barely a soul, floating into nothingness. I left my body empty, without a single heartbeat, without life.

And I don’t know if I would just continue to float and wonder if this is the afterlife most people are looking forward to. Feeling nothing, seeing nothing, hearing nothing, doing nothing. Nothing. What if this is how it is for all of us? What if the only trace of us we left is our memories with the people we met, befriended and loved?

What if they forget, and we cease to exist and that’s the end of us?

[ofwavesandislands]

Differences should be appreciated.

Some people think that relationships would never work because of their differences.

But instead of fighting over it, start seeing how it fills your gaps.

[ofwavesandislands]

“Do not let your hurt inner child make your grown up decisions.”