onapsychward - Tumblr blog

[onapsychward]

I'm with my oldest friend. We didn't talk for a few weeks recently, because their heroin addiction is intense and their actions about that got between us. We started talking again about a week ago, and this evening is the first time I've seen them for about a month. A couple of weeks ago, after we fought, they said they were sorry for involving me in their addiction and shit. And now I'm at their place and they're shooting up right in front of me. Peak.

[onapsychward]

Oh my life I'm fucked. Shrooms, acid 4?ish hours later, a fair chunk of weed. Wow

[onapsychward]

Why am I still so intensely triggered by sirens, especially ambulance sirens?

And why do I live a few hundred metres from an ambulance station?

Help. Like seriously, I'm not managing.

[onapsychward]

Fucked up today and broke my 281 day streak of no self harm. Badly. Just couldn't keep it up.

[onapsychward]

I really wasn't doing well last week, and I couldn't hide it. People got concerned. This week I've managed to convince everyone I'm fine. The only reason I'm able to make it look like that is quite a lot of drugs. It's not self-destruction, I'm not trying to make things worse, I just really do not know how to cope at the moment and this is a shit way but it's the only way I have right now. And I can't tell anyone because then a) I'll get kicked out of this house and b) they'll take my coping mechanism away. So I'm just sitting and hoping for something to change kinda sharpish cos I cannot maintain this, physically or financially.

[onapsychward]

I spilled coke on my shorts and fucking hell why. Also the only pair of trouser-type-things I currently own (excluding pyjamas) so that's great.

[onapsychward]

I did something incredibly stupid

I shared a joint with my friend. I didn't realise until I got back to my mum's and she asked "taken anything?" and the next questions were "you shared a joint? While covid is going on?" and I immediately realised.

I'm really not very good at this shit. My epilepsy meds kill my memory, apparently to the point sharing a joint doesn't make me think. I feel so bad.

[onapsychward]

I always regret doing ket

Did a bit today with my friend because they'd bought some. Shouldn't have done. Makes me feel so out of sorts after. And yet I always take the opportunity to do it if it appears (I don't buy it any more and haven't for a fair while, but my friend still does and offers me it...). We did kinda have a breakthrough about a weird thing that happens to me if I do a bit much though, so not a complete waste.

[onapsychward]

Had another one a couple days ago! Not tonic clonic though, it was a focal seizure. Terrifying in a completely different way. Just what I needed. Not.

Had a seizure yesterday

Second one in 6 weeks, after having none for 7 months before that. Not great.

[onapsychward]

Had a seizure yesterday

Second one in 6 weeks, after having none for 7 months before that. Not great.

[onapsychward]

Currently playing the super fun game of 'is this insomnia, or the start of (hypo)mania?'

Hahahah yay fun times just what I need right now /s.

It's 9am where I am and I've been awake all night. I'm not even tired (and I've had a decent amount of vodka + some beer) which always worries me. But it's probably just insomnia.

[onapsychward]

Outwardly, I think I'm managing to make it look like I'm ok

Inwardly, things couldn't be much further from that. I've had 2 showers in the past 6+ weeks, anxiety is all over the place, mood is shit, and suicidal thoughts are overwhelming.

There's just no point. I don't have anywhere to live and haven't done for months (I've been sofa surfing). The one place they're looking into would a) be very temporary (3-4 months) and b) require a whole bunch of skills that I just do not have. I have no educational placement, and all options the local authority or I have come up with have said no (apart from a 1-1 tutoring thing that is completely unsuitable).

I'm getting through becuase I know that eventually they'll find somewhere for me to stay (even if it's the place I won't be able to manage) where I'll have my own space, and then I can do The Plan. It's very planned out and I think almost completely guaranteed not to fail, whilst not raising any alarms by way of me going missing. I have to do it, I cannot carry on. I just cannot risk failing again.

[onapsychward]

It's the Bad Dysphoria Time

And it's very bad

[onapsychward]

I'm 21 tomorrow

In 52 minutes actually.

I'm terrified. I didn't plan on making it to 20 and I certainly didn't plan on making it to 21. I don't think birthdays are meant to be this scary. I know it's only 1 day older, but the number changing makes it so difficult. It signifies the waste of a year (4 months in hospital, 2 months in a failing-from-the-start residential home placement, another 3 months in hospital, 3 months in a step down house, now homeless and staying with my dad) and that's just so hard to process. Maybe the next year will be better.

[onapsychward]

straight vodka + ordinary man (ozzy osbourne+elton john)

Good combo for the night. Hasn't been that bad of a day but one of the other guys here brought me up a bottle of vodka I paid for half of (there was less than half left) and it's just good to chill. Had 1 mug and probably just gonna finish it. Neat vodka with a bit of pepsi max after. Best way to drink it to not ruin the taste of the mixer, don't mix it just chase it (I think that's the right word/phrase). Chill times.

[onapsychward]

Having a kinda shit time. I decided not to actually stop taking all my meds, and I'm getting rid of the ones I saved up by taking a double dose every morning. It's making me super tired and I'm pissed off with it- it's part of the reason I stopped taking it, to see if that was the cause. It seems it probably is, but obviously I can't prove anything. I'm just really done.

[onapsychward]

I got vodka

And mmmmmmm the chill-ness from drinking is the best thing (apart from ketamine) and I fucking love it. Just a bit (well a cup and a bit) and now I'm chill enough to watch a film with the other folk in the house. We've ordered takeaway and I'm only getting garlic bread and mozzarella sticks but it's just a nice thing to do together.

I think one of the other people in the house isn't doing too good, and I kinda want to talk to her but I don't want to push anything if she's not ready to talk/comfortable with talking about it so I'll probably leave it unless we happen to be alone together.

I'm struggling but 🤷‍♂️

It feels like last year is repeating itself education-wise and that was the final trigger that pushed me too far last year, which kinda worries me but also I'm pretty chill with the idea of dying. I've got it nailed which I didn't last year, I took shit which yes definitely could (should?) have killed me, but not stuff that was guaranteed to (because I didn't have access to it), but now I do. I won't do it if the education stuff happens, but if it doesn't I have nothing to live for. Going back to college is the one goal I have. Everything else comes after it, and if it doesn't happen I have nothing left.

Idk how to end this. It's a real downer. Can't tell anyone because they'd try to stop me and that's my biggest fear. It's all based on decisions that are entirely other people's to make. I know THE decision is mine to make. Just the ones that least up to me making that decision aren't. Not trying to say someone else is making the decision at all. If I do it the decision is entirely mine, and mine alone. Which is why I'm not telling anyone else. Except tumblr, because no one knows who I am.

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