onceuponatimewithhaleigh

[onceuponatimewithhaleigh]

9/22/2020

So, I had an appointment with a doctor named Dr. Kidambi. Super nice woman. She asked a lot of questions and took a lot of notes. She's told me to stop regular soda. Put me on metformin. Said I should get a Fitbit, and wants me to take 5000 steps a day as a minimum. Fitbit is in the mail~

Been having some issues at home, and with my mental health. Things are weighing me down and I've been struggling. Thus far it hasn't reflected in my school work - yet. I had a project due last week. And either I aced it or completely bombed it. It seemed stupidly easy, but I feel like that was some kind of false comfort. So. I think I fucked it up BAD. Its point value is literally almost HALF of all graded things in two things. So... This could reallllyyyy hurt my grade. I have an A, and I'd like to keep it there. But this project I'm not so sure I'm gonna stay there. I have an A in my other class as well. It's pretty easy. It's one of those I just have to remember to actually DO. It's so simple I forget it.

Not feeling too hot tonight. Sick to my stomach. Bloated. Moody. Tired. In pain. Just kinda over it all. I feel off mentally. Had a panic attack last night over my hair. I'd had my hair REALLY short for like two-ish years, and the last 9 months I've let it grow. Well, it's to my shoulders. and I'm not about it anymore. I hate how I look with it down, I hate how it feels on my neck - I feel gross, and like I'm not in my body? It's so fucking weird. It got so bad last night I was ripping my hair out. And I have no idea what the fuck man. So tomorrow I get it cut off. I've wanted it cut for a while, but money is shit and I have more important things than me getting a hair cut to take care of. So, there's an update. Thanks for reading.

[onceuponatimewithhaleigh]

Time to catch up!

I'm so sorry I kinda vanished! Well, I didn't kind of vanish. I straight poofed. So I'm going to catch you guys up on what's happened since the start of August. Quite a lot has gone on, and I needed to kinda - I don't really know? Mentally I was just gone. Like August happened? I don't remember it. But anyhow here we go!

My Skin Spot:

Not cancer! My doctor so politely told me "Sometimes spots just pop up as we... get older." So. Guess I'm just gonna have some serious blemishes the older I get. Haha! I mean, not going to lie, I'm salty about it. But I'd rather be 'getting old' than have cancer. So that's all good!

Meeting with Dr. Lak:

Doctor Lak is my future surgeon for my gastric bypass. She's really really nice. Super friendly and super supportive. She got me all setup - so I have a slue of appointments made. Due to my insurance, I have to see a dietitian for six months consecutively before I can have the surgery. I also have to pass a nicotine test. So - I have to quit smoking ASAP. Which, I need to anyhow. (more on my smoking at the end lol) but overall she was absolutely fantastic!

College(Part One):

Before classes started I talked to my amazing Academic Advisor, Kathrine - and I told her some of my interests and my plans for after college. And we both kinda poked around at my minoring in Photography. To me, that wasn't really enough, so I am now a double major!

OBGYN:

I haven't said anything here, but I have plans in becoming a mother as soon as my health permits. Now I am not in a relationship, nor do I plan to be. I want to be a single mother. Some people think I'm absolutely bat-shit crazy for that. But I think, for me that is the best thing. I have an extremely supportive family, and I have zero doubt in my mind that my child will be loved as much and so much more than they'd ever possibly need! The issue here was A. my weight. B. my family has a history of fertility issues. C. I have PCOS. D. I don't have a partner haha, Kinda need two to tango ;) That all being said, I had mentioned this to my OBGYN, who retired randomly on me in March(with no notice - canceled pre-existing appointments, and with no doctors accepting new patients). I had been telling him about bad pains I'd been having for a while, and he never really listened to me or made any move to investigate. I did my own research, as well as spoke to people about it - and thought I may have Endometriosis. I brought my thoughts to him. He shrugged and said "That's probably it." and made Z E R O effort to figure it out. After three months of pain being horrible to the point sometimes when I was driving, I'd have a flare-up and I'd have to pull over because the pain was so bad I couldn't breathe or see. Then he retired. Then there were no doctors accepting anyone new. So. FINALLY - August 10th I get into a new OBGYN, Dr. Curtis. The first impression was "dudes young and super hip this is gonna be weird..." I'm weird when it comes to doctors, but doctors messing around down there I'm even weirder LOL. I feel like if my OB was a woman there's some weird competition 'Mines prettier...' I have no idea don't judge me xD I told him my wants and things and he told me sadly some older doctors just don't care. they're very black and white. And he was spot on. He told me I probably don't have endometriosis. Put me back on birth control, told me to have the gastric surgery, and then he'd get me in for an exam, and he'd get me to a fertility clinic. He supported me 100% in wanting to become a single mother. He did say that I was the youngest he'd ever seen himself, but he had no issues moving forward with me doing that. Told me a year after surgery, he'd get me to a clinic and we'd get me a baby xD

Dietitian:

My dietitian's name is Andrea, and guys, I love her. She is so goofy as scatterbrained it makes me giggle! I learned a lot during that call though! (all my appointments with gastric have been on the computer/phone) So, this hospital does post-surgery stuff differently than any others in the area, and they've found it's got the best results. So after surgery, I'd usually be on a liquid diet for 6 weeks. Which is standard. Nope! Not here! After surgery, I'll be on a pure protein diet. Not shakes- PUREAED MEAT. How gross right? Meat slushie anyone? Gag lol She goes "Everyone seems to love the pureed eggs" and I literally gagged in the call xD This is gonna be the death of me. Another thing that had me completely shook was that with a stomach the size of an EGG after surgery, I still have to drink 64oz of water a day. She said I can only drink 2oz at a time. So I basically have to take a shot of water every 10 minutes ALL DAY LONG. But! I can't drink anything at all for 30 minutes BEFORE I eat, I can't drink WHILE EATING(which I have to eat 3/4 a cup over 45 minutes-_-), and I can't drink shit for 30 minutes AFTER I eat. So. This shit's gonna be wild man. I'm excited but anxious as hell. And for the rest of my life, I'll be taking vitamin supplements.

Weight:

Currently, my weight is 417lbs

College(Part Two):

So. Friday(Aug. 28th) before the term starts, I have a massive breakdown. That Monday the first week the course was available to look at. We could submit anything, but we could go in and do the work and submit it later. Well. I got in there in my Introduction to Liberal Arts(IDS-100), and boooyyy did I overreact. :) I freaked out. I got overwhelmed because my IDS-100 professor is a very longwinded man. The email I had gotten made everything seem way way more complicated than necessary. And I basically went into spiral mode. 

'is a college education reallllyyyy that important?'

'What's the point?'

'I'm gonna fail anyhow, so why try?'

'My family will think I'm a failure...'

'I shouldn't even try, so I don't fail.'

A whole slue of shit thoughts went through my head, and I took it, man. That little demon in my brain just bitching "Never good enough. Not smart enough! Failure." And I sat there and took it like a little bitch. I got so bad I called my advisor, Good ole Kathrine, and LUCKY FOR ME; she was busy and didn't answer. I had the ability to talk to another advisor, but I didn't wanna sob into a stranger's ear so LOL. I called my dad when I was balls deep into a panic attack, and he came down and talked me out of it, and then told me he'd sit with me when I do classwork so he can help if I need it. Which, It's not really that I need help, I was worried about my comprehension of the information I read in class. Because I'm a very visual learner and one of those that talks shit out. And being online, I'm alone in my room so uh lol But yeah. He talked me down, got me all calmed down. Then the next day, my advisor called and asked why I'd called and she apologized for not being available and I laughed and told her straight "It's better you were busy, Cause I'd have dropped out." and she was shocked. Told her all of what happened and what was going on in my head and she told me she was gonna set up weekly appointments with me after each module opens. a new module opens every Monday. and she said she was gonna call me every Tuesday. I went on a spiel about how I feel ridiculous cause I'm being a burden. And she squashed that thought hella fast. So long story short. I am so blessed to have a support system between my dad and my wonderful advisor Kathrine. Lol

Boooo:

I gained a new allergy and lost an old one. I have no idea how that worked. But. No longer allergic to Soy. But now have a TERRIBLE reaction to all dairy products... Which fuckin blows because I live in Wisconsin, and I L O V E cheese. -_- Cheese hates me. :(BYE GUYS!

Whoops!

Forgot about the smoking bit, this is an Edit lmao Basically - TOTALLY thought I could drop smoking cold turkey cause that's how I'd done it every time I'd quit smoking before. Welp. Not this time :) I was a raging bitch, and a HORRIBLE migraine that was so bad I couldn't do ANYTHING. And to top it all off, I had a panic attack lol So. It's the time of year I usually start to quit anyhow. I'm so weird. I'm a seasonal smoker. Living in Wisconsin I am NOT keen on smoking in below zero temperatures in winter. I'd like to keep my fingers. This year I started smoking earlier than usual because I was out of state where freezing winter temperatures were a minimum of like, 37*F and I'm like *cackles in Wisconsinite* CHILDS PLAY!!! So, I started smoking again in December lol Anyway, now- my dad's in control of my smokes. He gives me my daily allowance in a ziplock bag which made me laugh so fucking hard because just like I actually said to him "I feel like you're my dealer and I'm sneaking something naughty!" lol Right now I'm aloud 10 a day. Which is probably 3-5 less than I usually smoke a day. So. I'm kinda feeling it. But my dads controlling them. So this should be fun. :) That's all! Bye guys!

[onceuponatimewithhaleigh]

I’m Behind - Sorry.

July 31st, 2020

I wont lie. I'm mentally in a bad head space now because as the saying goes, when it rains- it pours. And it's doing just that. I had two pet Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches, Cain and Abel- and Abel passed about a week ago. Today, I found out Cain had passed away in the night. I also have to put my cat down. She's suffering and I refuse to make her suffer because I can't let go. It tears me up because all I think about is that she'll hate me and think I gave up on her. That I'm annoyed with her. I've had her since I was twelve years old. I feel like I'm betraying my best friend. I'm in a bad way from that alone. But now- with Cain and Abel, Baby Kitty, money issues left and right, and college? It feels as if I take one step forward and two steps back. I know what has to be done, but getting from point A to point B is really hard. None of this is including the condition of my home life which, I wont go into at the moment. Too emotional, and will end up saying things I regret. I just feel like I wasn't meant to succeed sometimes. Or be happy. Because when I'm excited and ready to go, this always happens. Bad luck left and right. Never fails.

[onceuponatimewithhaleigh]

July 25, 2020

First:

A few little things to update you on. So I was doing my usual skincare routine on this past Wednesday(July 22nd) and I noticed a dark spot on my eyelid that hadn���t been there three months ago. Now if I was out in the sun all the time I’d attribute it to being a sunspot. But I’m not in the sun. Even when I’m outside I sit under a large oning. So I have a dermatologist appointment on August 5th. So. I’m kind of nervous. Well, that’s a lie. I’m very nervous. I’ll post the news when I know. Good or bad. 

Second:

I finally finished my paperwork for the bariatric program. So that’s exciting! I have my ‘no contact’ appointment on August 5th as well earlier in the day. I was told I have to own a scale though. And I try not to keep them in the house- lest I become obsessive, yaknow? But if I have to document it for the greater good- then I shall have one. So on the 1st I’ll be ordering that. My nurse, Suzie- told me that I must have clothes on as if I were actually going to a person to person appointment. Which intrigued me, so obviously I had to ask, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t inquire into this; interesting topic. She told me there was a patient that once called in wearing only a sheet. In bed. And that was the SFW one of all the interesting reasons they have a whole sheet of paper that I have to sign and acknowledge that I must wear clothes. How funny is that! My nurse is really fun I like her a lot!

[onceuponatimewithhaleigh]

Stats:

So a little bit about me:

My name is Haleigh, and I’m twenty-seven. I grew up in a really small town in West Virginia(that I hated). I moved to Wisconsin when I was fourteen, when my parents divorced. I have a younger sister, she's ten and a half years younger than myself. So that's always a fun time.

Weight:

From a very, very young age I suffered with weight issues due to depression, and the medications I was taking growing up. I was on medication from the age of seven, till I was nineteen. My current weight is 414lbs. I am on the road to getting myself gastric bypass and becoming healthier. It's a long road ahead of me- but I am very ready to start anew.

College Stuff:

I am a freshman at SNHU. Majoring in English and Literature, Minoring in Photography. I have some college under my belt- but sadly a local community college, that I shall not name- refused to transfer my existing credits. So I'm starting all over. I lost a years worth of education. So. Here we are again, starting from scratch.

Feel free to ask me questions!

[onceuponatimewithhaleigh]

Hey There!

I really wanted a way to archive my life- the good the bad, and of course the ugly too. I have a lot of things ahead of me and I wanted a digital journal of sorts to show as time goes on how I myself have change, how my life and my environment change over the years. This is the start of a long road. In my following post Ill give you some history and my current stats just for the sake of noting changes in the future. This is obviously a blog that you can follow should you so choose. But it will be all about me, my struggles, my changes, my progression and whatever else I deem relevant. The reason this is a public blog, and not a private one is I don't want to feed into the ideal that college stress, personal struggles or life is unnatural or that you aren’t normal for not being at the top of your game. This blog will, as I said before- show all sides of my life. I will be honest about my thoughts and feelings as time passes. I hope if you follow, you can maybe learn something, or better understand how to cope with things after seeing my struggles and ways I cope. Anyway! Welcome to Once upon a time with Haleigh!