onigiriwithambitions

[onigiriwithambitions]

あああああああ why must I encounter this at 10:29 PM on a Saturday that is the literal proof of concept of this. Kill me now (acc don't kill me if you're here please help me tidy up, arithanks gozaimuch)

[onigiriwithambitions]

The dark academic identity euphoria when it gets cold enough to wear a black wool sweater over a plain Oxford shirt again. (So naturally I am recalling The Secret History)

Anyone want to plan a murder in this cute cafe with me? We could do a reading group of Teitō Monogatari and make it an onmyōji ritual thing and write the plan in unsimplified kanji?? I'd ask people in my faculty but policy people seem too pragmatic to have a morbid longing for the picturesque at all costs 🥺

[onigiriwithambitions]

am i waiting for something that isn't going to happen?

[onigiriwithambitions]

東京大学総合図書館

(抱き柏)

Ostentatiously Dark Academia spring holiday pursuits: going to the library even though you have no deadlines and then attempting to copy the family crest of a historical figure you're unhealthily obsessed with

[onigiriwithambitions]

I just actually finished and made it out alive from my end of term essay crisis that went on longer than the actual battle of Iwo Jima. (ｂａｎｚａｉ?)

[onigiriwithambitions]

- Evelyn Waugh, from Brideshead Revisited (1945)

[onigiriwithambitions]

Torn between 'Don't you dare touch me and pity me. I don't need your sympathy and I despise the way you look at me like I'm a wounded animal in the rain' and 'Please hold me, hold me the closest you can to your heart so that the sound of your heartbeat silences the raging storms within me'.

[onigiriwithambitions]

Is it me or during exams I had like listed up everything I will do after exams, and now they are over, I cant think of anything........

Like whyyyyyyy

[onigiriwithambitions]

帝國大學ニテ死ヌル可能性ヲ抱エニケリ

Well it rains and it pours when you're out on your own/ if I crash on the couch can I sleep in my clothes / cause I spent the night in an internet cafe I'm done I suppose / if it looks like I'm laughing I'm really just so caffeinated I've transcended the boundaries of consciousness and society.

How I disappear is in under my end of term reports, some acquaintances on my social media may legitimately assume me dead by the end of this (I will return). So sorry but I'm crashing off the face of the earth harder than Masanobu Tsuji in the 1960s.

Realised I made this earlier in the week before I got extensions on some of my reports and it didn't upload, so not in chronological order but here you go I guess.

[onigiriwithambitions]

Keeping late hours, going out at the sun goes down, drinking coffee in 20th century style cafes, reading about notions of legal philosophy, wearing black roll neck tops and smoking cigarettes - I am degenerating into a parody of a wannabe French philosopher. Better than waking up as a bug I guess?

[onigiriwithambitions]

A little less 🎌 aesthetic 🎌 today but it's going (watch my inflated ego be steadily reduced to shreds by quite elementary maths revision). I do hate these days where despite the sense of looming deadline crisis I fail to achieve anything meaningful until mid afternoon, but there's no point looking back in regret when I have all the hours between now and midnight still to play for.

[onigiriwithambitions]

Kenzaburo Ōe write a book titled "Teach Us to Outgrow Our Madness". Maybe I should have titled this blog Teach Me to Outgrow My Chūnibyō

[onigiriwithambitions]

Idk who can relate but I have this compelling recurring fantasy of being a student at one of the Imperial Universities in the Taisho period.

I'm from a noble background, as brilliant and confident as I am debauched and morally empty, but in a very romantic and aesthetically pleasing way. Times are good, and I entertain myself with thoughts of helping to build a glorious modern Japan, while seeing no contradiction between this and seeing my less fortunate fellow citizens and as largely existing to serve me. For now I may be relatively innocent of sin, but unless I have some incredible moral epiphany I'll probably grow up to help establish Manchukuo or something, deceiving myself all along the way that it is for the greater good 😊

In reality I'm female and not very rich and very leftwing, and I get a moral injury just from looking at the news the way some people only have to brush against something to bruise their entire leg. So thankfully not a chance, but I can study in a Taisho Roman-themed cafe and eat fancy curry and romanticise the grim process of revising for a maths exam and writing two reports all in the next week. Believe me I've got my best Dark Academia shirt and blazer going on as well, and if I didn't have to put so much on my rucksack I'd be wearing my coat with a cape instead of sleeves for the full aesthetic experience.

[onigiriwithambitions]

明けましておめでとうございます

🎍Happy new year! 🎍

As a part of my goals to reaffirm my positive attitude towards working hard at my studies, and make some kind of record of these Japanese days so that they can burn brighter in my memory than a blur of deadlines, I will seek to revive this as a study/somewhat chaotic dark academia blog again.

May you proceed into the new year with resolve as bright as the morning sun🌅

[onigiriwithambitions]

I do low-key wish I had better cultural references to express my conflicting feelings about moving forward into the harsh light of the adult world and still wanting to long for ideals that were only ever invented traditions in the first place. But as it is I've got attack on titan song lyrics even though I never watched the anime, and the Japanese translation of Bushido: the Soul of Japan which fun fact was originally written in English anyway, and still next time someone asks me about my future plans I wanna channel all my leftover chunibyo audacity and explain to them that the problem is the Earth is too small and the Heavens are not high enough in the first place (地球はあまりにも狭すぎ、天空とて決して高くない -it's in there in the red biro somewhere) and that's BEFORE I even consider selling myself to some soulless consulting job.

[onigiriwithambitions]

Oh I am a 東大生 now. I lowkey want the gakuran and cape so much but alas times have changed. I'm going to settle for flapping about in black clothes and formalwear and imagining myself to be bearing the future of the state. It never hurts to inwardly exaggerate one's significance.

Quite besides the fact I've been romanticising the hell out of the University of Tokyo even though I never really idealised Oxford in that way, the course is genuinely SO GOOD and I finally feel like I'm studying what I really want to. Maybe if i really get on top of my life I can even start posting about it again, because wow this place is beautiful. I said more than 12 years ago now that I wanted to move to Japan and now here I properly am for the next two years (and hopefully longer if I still feel this way after a while).

[onigiriwithambitions]

What I SHOULD have spent the last hour on: updating a contact list for work that really needs done.

What I DID spend the last hour on: trying to copy out the lyrics to the Vocaloid song Bad Apple in kusushiji-esque calligraphy. I think the result looks quite cool ngl (until I look closer and see the balance and shapes of the characters are awful) but that is definitely an hour I don't get to put on my timesheet.

(in totally unrelated news I have an assessment for ADHD tomorrow and I am feeling inexplicably nervous about it. 95% sure it's going to be fine and I have it, and 5% afraid I will look too studious for that and be left to flounder in my bottomless sea of chaos)