onthecue

[onthecue]

Bipolar tendencies.

I don't want to have these bipolar conversations where I threaten, and apologize, and demand, and apologize again. I don't mean to take you through the wringer to make you see violence, and mood swings. I don't mean to scare you when I cry for hours. I don't mean to scare you when I scream and punch things. I don't mean to scare you with my suicidal tendencies. I never meant to do those things. I never meant to drop everything and move across countries with no plans at all. I never meant to hurt myself until my arms were coated in scars.

For all the times I self-medicated and drank away my pain, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have taken so many Abilify pills. You're right, I was wrong again. I never meant for you to become my caretaker. I hate those words — caretaker. I should be able to take care of myself. I'm sorry I am not managing this illness. I am very, very ill. I'm sorry for the times I couldn't get out of bed, couldn't eat, couldn't move, couldn't go to work. I' m sorry for the times I made tons of post-it notes, filled journals with ideas, bought calendars and notebooks. I'm sorry for getting your hopes up. I really thought I could do it this time. I'm sorry for my diagnosis. I'm sorry I didn't understand how serious this is.

I didn't ask to be bipolar. I didn't ask to be born. I make cases for myself in my head but they're all filed as crazy. I'm sorry I was delusional, paranoid, and afraid. I'm sorry for melting, fading, burning, and still coming back alive —these lowest of lows, and highest of highs.

When you're only supposed to be a support, a resource of compassion, you had to be a caretaker. You didn't ask for this, neither did I. I sometimes questioned if it was harder on you to live with someone with bipolar disorder, than it was for me to live with bipolar disorder.

You wanted to save me but, you made me realize that I can only save myself.

Now, I'm drowning and my lifeline is gone. I'm trying to learn to swim. I just hope I do it before I sink.

[onthecue]

Maligcong, you're nothing short of beautiful.

I had a twin hike last May 31-June 1: Mt. Fato x Mt. Kupapey. The best views come after the hardest climbs. If there's something this mountain has taught me is to keep going and to follow your own pace - you'll still get there anyway. :)

[onthecue]

Grief never left my side once we met.

Grief is a reminder of how much love you still have for someone you've lost. But to be constantly reminded that I still have overflowing love to give and don't know how to send it really kicks me out of my sanity.

It's wanting to cry the whole day, being overwhelmed with company, drowning in sad thoughts from happy memories, only to be forced to recover because life only cares about living.

All in a day, an hour, or even minutes.

I miss you lola.

Almost four years and I have not loved the same way since you left.

[onthecue]

Insomnia

I can't sleep. It's already 4:42 AM and I still can't get myself to bed.

[onthecue]

Anxiety on an all-time high.

I hate it.

I hate it how my anxious thoughts easily get to me. I hate how it affects me daily. I hate how I cry about it. I hate how it feels like a never-ending feeling that I’m in danger, when I’m not.

I love how my parents are there to hold me. I love how my girlfriend says the right words to ease my burden. I love how my dad comforts me by saying that I should be strong, and occasionally tells inspiring stories. I love how my mom hugs me and makes my favorite dishes and desserts.

They keep me going.

They make me want to live, 𝙖 𝙡𝙞𝙩𝙩𝙡𝙚 𝙡𝙤𝙣𝙜𝙚𝙧.

[onthecue]

My favourite coffee shop discoveries lately.

[onthecue]

Anxiety and whatnot.

I’ve been dealing with anxiety lately. Even if I plan ahead and know in heart that I am beyond ready and prepared, my negative thoughts still eat me alive. Work has been extra draining lately because of this. This is how ‘everyday’ feels like when you’re dealing with General Anxiety Disorder and Bipolar I Disorder.

I try not to be labeled by my diagnosis. But sometimes, it’s hard you know? Knowing that the anxiety will always be there.

What’s helping me lately is by trying to redirect my thoughts. I wrote notes on a post it and stuck it on my wall. I’ll share what I wrote in hopes that someone might need to hear this too, and help them out in my own little way.

Things get easier.

If you can’t beat fear, do it scared.

You got to do it. You might do it badly, but you still got to do it.

Comforting, isn’t it?

[onthecue]

On self-love.

Sometimes, loving ourselves means accepting ourselves enough to tell ourselves other people like and approve of us. Sometimes, loving ourselves means approving of ourselves even when they don’t.

It takes courage to stop cowering and openly love, accept and approve of ourselves.

Don’t just say the words.

Love yourself until you experience that love.

[onthecue]

[onthecue]

I'd come to an agonizing conclusion that what’s sad about the new year isn’t that gut-wrenching feeling of unaccomplishment during the past year. It is the harsh reality that as time goes by, you get to celebrate it with less and less people that you once loved.

[onthecue]

“If you're lucky, you realize early on that each decision you make answers a question that all of us muddle through: how to build meaning in our lives. Meaning is not something you stumble across or what someone gives you; you build it through every choice you make, the commitments you choose, the people you love, and the values you hold dear.”

- Maria Ressa, How to Stand Up to a Dictator

[onthecue]

The year that was.

2022 was not a smooth sailing year. It was a year filled with silent battles, change, mistakes, failures which led me to growth. On a lighter note, it was also a year filled with courage, love, and blessings.

Some of the things that I learned throughout the year.

When life seems to be falling apart and into pieces, it is usually falling into the right place. It’s always darkest before the dawn.

There will be people who can help you, but you have do to the healing yourself.

Healing isn’t indeed linear. There are a lot of ups, downs, and twists and turns — but a relapse does not mean that you aren’t healing. It’s part of the messy process.

You can find happiness and a lot of peace in mundane things.

Stepping out of your comfort zone may be scary at first, but it will bring you a lot of lessons and growth — a kind of development you never thought you needed.

If it’s scaring you, it’s worth it to try. Try harder if you have to. Try more if you need to.

It’s nice to document your life in snippets and photos. You’ll have something to look back to.

All the pain you experienced throughout will inevitably impact you one way or another. You can allow it to impede you and stop you, or guide your path and drive you forward.

Here’s to manifesting that 2023 will be my year. May I reach all my goals and aspirations for the year.

𝐄𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐡𝐨𝐩𝐞𝐟𝐮𝐥,  

𝐐 ❤

[onthecue]

“Far away, someone is saying, 𝑻𝒐𝒅𝒐 𝒑𝒂𝒔𝒂 𝒚 𝒕𝒐𝒅𝒐 𝒒𝒖𝒆𝒅𝒂.

Cruel and kind are clouds. All passes and all remains."

— — —

Nothing like the Antipolo sunset  ☁ ☀

[onthecue]

A little bit of grief.

Christmas has been a whole lot different since my grandmother passed away last year, due to covid complications. It is a loss that can never be replaced. I’m learning to live with it, but the emptiness inside me stays.

Barely a few hours before Christmas, yet I don’t feel like celebrating. The memories of the past holidays with her are all I can think of, and I guess still grief is taking over me. The holidays don’t have to be perfect and it will never be. It’s okay if I don’t feel festive. It’s okay if I feel like grieving.

This is the second Christmas without her. A lot of times, my memories of her sneak out of my eyes and uncontrollably roll down on my cheeks. A lot of times, my mind still talks to her, hoping I can get even a sole response. A lot of times, my heart still longs for her, but I find solace in knowing that she’s know free —from distress, from discomfort, and pain.

Lola Ma, I still remember you. Meri Keuriseumaseu in heaven 🕊️

You are definitely missed and your warm cup of hot chocolate.

[onthecue]

There will always be spring.

Sometimes, life has a way of reminding you on how far you’ve gone  — stitches, scrapes, and bruises. I realized that everything is temporary and we shouldn’t act on impulse. Life has its ways of showing its impermanence, even negative feelings like grief, sadness, anxiety.

Seasons and cycles are inevitable yet they are 𝐟𝐥𝐞𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠.

It may feel like winter now, but no matter how lonely, cold and dark days get, there will always be spring.

[onthecue]

✶ It’s always a good time for coffee. ✶

We got Biscoff macchiato and Caramel Oat from their novelty coffee menu. Not to mention the super yummy bomboloni and campfire cookie!

📍 Gotbaked, 219 Katipunan Avenue

[onthecue]

Sometimes, it just hurts to exist, you know? I just wanna feel normal again.