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[onyxbird]

Hello! I saw a post of yours saying you have a Leverage Hell AU series on Ao3. Any chance I can get the link to that? Thanks!

☠️ Warning ☠️: Consumption of Hell AU may result in Leverage brainrot and compulsions to write angsty fic. Experts* recommend against consumption of large doses of this AU in a short period of time, particularly for new users who do not know how they will be affected. Certain lines in this AU have been identified by the state of the comments section to be hazardous to human health. Writing while under the influence of Hell AU may pose a risk of spreading this contagion to others.

Please consume responsibly.

We Have Never Had a Hitter (That Wasn't Actually Moreau's)

*@darkfinch

[onyxbird]

That breakfast we had the other morning when I was too tired to function like a human being, the server continuously kept deferring to me rather than my betrothed.

There’s a few reasons for this. But mostly I have a natural charisma that I’ve honed for years in sales, and I was in a better position to make eye contact with her when we needed things.

Even on tired days I can flick on a small portion of Friendly that makes people want to interact with me. When she walked away I’d go back to staring blankly out the window, too tired to interact with the world.

So when the check came she left it with me, when I asked for a box for my betrotheds food she handed it to me. By the time the check (with my betrotheds card) came back and was left at my side they were very put out.

“Am I just invisible? Do I not matter as much?” they asked in frustration.

Delirious with exhaustion and barely tethered to this reality I looked up at them and said, “You wouldn’t ask if the moon doesn’t matter just because it doesn’t shine as brightly as the sun.”

They stared at me and said, “I didn’t expect you to be so poetic when you’re this tired…”

“Did it help?”

They nodded, smiling a tiny smile, and ushered me out of the booth to go home.

[onyxbird]

CRIMINAL MINDS 2.21 — "Open Season"

[onyxbird]

alec hardison : 

- faked being a lawyer and actually won a case that was declared open and shut by all parties involved

- managed to stop a plane crash from miles away, while posing as a long-term employee in a company (and actually had everyone believe he’d been working there for years) 

- played one of the most difficult violin solos magnificently (even if you take nate’s hypnosis into account, which i don’t, he wouldn’t have been able to do it if he didn’t already have the talent required) 

- forged a historical document so brilliantly it fooled an expert

- hacked the smartest and most efficient security system in the world to save his teammates, with a laptop he found in the back of his truck. in a SINGLE DAY.

- took control of an airport control tower by faking a tornado alert 

there are so many more instances of hardison being an actual genius who can adapt to any situation and do seemingly impossible things quicker than anyone. i love him SO much 

[onyxbird]

so if demons are sticklers for contracts, demand high payment for their services, and have firm/specific rules regarding summoning rituals (aka the hiring process & availability of their labor)—what i'm hearing is demons are fully unionized

[onyxbird]

Out of curiosity and also guilt over my own coffee intake. I wanna ask:

Now I'm not talking about when you're studying and so you drink 3x the usual amount or something like that. This isn't me asking what your record is. I'm talking about the most basic, average day, how many coffees you drink?

[onyxbird]

English added by me :)

[onyxbird]

No in between. Reblog if you vote pleas

[onyxbird]

heidiwranglescats

[onyxbird]

Tiffany couldn't quite work out how Miss Level got paid. Certainly the basket she carried filled up more than it emptied. They'd walk past a cottage and a woman would come scurrying out with a fresh-baked loaf or a jar of pickles, even though Miss Level hadn't stopped there. But they'd spend an hour somewhere else, stitching up the leg of a farmer who'd been careless with an axe, and get a cup of tea and a stale biscuit. 

It didn't seem fair.

“Oh, it evens out,” said Miss Level, as they walked on through the woods. 

“You do what you can. People give what they can, when they can. Old Slapwick there, with the leg, he's as mean as a cat, but there'll be a big cut of beef on my doorstep before the week's end, you can bet on it. His wife will see to it. And pretty soon people will be killing their pigs for the winter, and I'll get more brawn, ham, bacon and sausages turning up than a family could eat in a year.”

“You do? What do you do with all that food?”

“Store it,” said Miss Level. 

“But you-”

“I store it in other people. It's amazing what you can store in other people.” Miss Level laughed at Tiffany's expression. “I mean, I take what I don't need round to those who don't have a pig, or who're going through a bad patch, or who don't have anyone to remember them.”

“But that means they'll owe you a favour!”

“Right! And so it just keeps on going round. It all works out.”

“I bet some people are too mean to pay-”

“Not pay,” said Miss Level, severely. “A witch never expects payment and never asks for it and just hopes she never needs to. But, sadly, you are right.”

“And then what happens?"

“What do you mean?”

“You stop helping them, do you?”

“Oh, no,” said Miss Level, genuinely shocked. “You can't not help people just because they're stupid or forgetful or unpleasant. Everyone's poor round here. If I don't help them, who will?”

"A Hat full of Sky" - Terry Pratchett

[onyxbird]

Chatting with a mutual who just expressed delight at the idea that a character playing fetch with a werewolf could be an option in an a supernatural romance novel, and I was this close to joking "Well, what else are you going to do alone in the woods at night with your werewolf boyfriend?" before I remembered the book in question is, in fact, a romance novel and allos exist.