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optionaldiary-blog · 8 years ago

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01-15-2018 (08:31 PM)

log playlist Colors – Day6 // Congratulations – Day6 // Be Lazy – Day6 // Pouring – Day6 // You Were Beautiful – Day6 // I Smile – Day6 // I Loved You – Day6 // I Need Somebody – Day6 // Man in a Movie – Day6 // Out of My Mind – Day6 // What Can I Do – Day6 // I Would – Day6 // Congratulations (Final Ver.) – Day6 // I Wait – Day6 // I’ll Try – Day6 // My Day – Day6

Alright, so. It’s been thirteen days since my last log, which is like over two weeks. Wow. This is only my third log for the entire year.

From what I remember, January 3 was the day we high school students had to go back to school and do our duties as learners of the nation. Needless to say, I didn’t like it. In all honesty, I’ve grown to hate school and everything about it—well, maybe not school in general, but my school. It’s just… the environment at my school isn’t really as fun as it used to be. And I guess part of the reason is because I don’t talk to anyone there, at all. I do have this friend, and a few more, but we never really talk. I think I mentioned them before. They used to come over, but not anymore. So I don’t really have anyone to talk to during lunch.

Not that I’m blaming them for my hatred of school. Like I said, I’m completely fine with it. In fact, I think that my lack of social life is only a small contributor to my impartiality(?) to school.

One factor is probably the people, and by that I mean my fellow students. I’m usually quiet and don’t really speak much (except when I want to tell my seatmates a joke, in which case I am extremely loud). Because of this, I tend to hear the things that my classmates talk about, and most of the time it’s gossip, or inappropriate jokes, or really offensive stuff.

Now, that on its own is already enough reason to feel uncomfortable to sit in a place where swear words are as open as the president’s speech. But what’s worse is that I am extremely sensitive, extremely. I hate it when people swear, and I hate it when people make inappropriate or insensitive or offensive jokes to the point that I consider yelling at them for it. I hate it. So much. And what’s even worse than that is that I’ve heard them speak like this for so long that I’ve grown accustomed to such vocabulary that my mind immediately goes that direction as well. Which is annoying, to say the least.

Now, I’d be lying if I said I never swore. Even in my writing, I do put the s-word and the f-word out there, at times. But swearing in fiction and swearing in real life is different. In fiction, I write the words that my characters say—not the words I would. And I believe that whatever comes out of your mouth should be the most beautiful combination of letters you could ever come up with. I never swear out loud. I never swear in public. And whenever I do “swear”, I replace the words with a clean equivalent (e.g. shitaki mushroom, fudge, duck). It’s just… I really hate the fact that swearing has become normalized when it really shouldn’t. I don’t mean to judge people who swear—a judger is the last thing I want to be. People are allowed to express themselves whatever way they want. I just wish that, when people swear, it isn’t so openly and loud and so public. Why? Because what if the people who hear you are like me, who feel extremely uncomfortable when hearing people swear? That a single word can bring a pang of pain in their heart? That a single word ruins their day?

It’s just simple consideration, conduct, and courtesy, you guys. No one’s trying to limit anyone, or judge anyone, or say you’re a bad person. I’m just saying to try to minimize the swearing a bit, alright? A slip of the tongue might send you falling down the cliff.

This reminds me of this… friend(?) I have. (I put the question mark there because I’m not sure if I can consider them a friend at this point.) They are the perfect example of an extreme case of No Filter. Honestly. They are always saying things at the wrong time, saying inappropriate things when no one asks them to, even during class, even when a teacher is there. They always make side-comments on things—for example, when we were watching a short film for English, they kept giving suggestive comments about how the character gasped (which was totally taken out of context, by the way) and it was so annoying because a lot of us were trying to enjoy the film and take it seriously, and then you have this one person seated at the back, giggling and laughing and pointing and sexualizing everything.

That’s another one of their problems. They sexualize everything. You know that LGBT short film about a boy whose heart (literally) followed another guy? Sexualized it and asked the group chat if there was smut fanfiction about it. When me and my friend were talking to each other (we’re very cuddly when we talk)? Sexualized it and asked if they could write a smut about us. Gross, gross, gross. Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. Especially since I’m autochorissexual. (Search it up.)

Another problem about them is that they actually touch other people without asking for their consent. Like legit. Today, actually, during Araling Panlipunan or Social Studies, they were literally sitting on a guy’s lap and smirking at them—when it was obvious that the guy didn’t like it! Literally. Legitimately. They also slap the guys’ butts, and even kissed one on the cheek without asking if they liked it. And it was obvious they didn’t. I mean, it’d be a different case if they had asked if they were fine with it—but no. As a full-fledged observer, I overhear the guys talk about how they don’t like it when they do those stuff to them, and it’s just sad that they don’t say anything about it. Probably because they don’t realize it’s already sexual harassment. (That’s a problem among high school students nowadays—they always take to light the serious matters. I should talk about that in a future log.)

I just… I can’t. I really can’t.

One last thing: you know how I love K-pop, right? Like love it to the core? They made fun of it. They made fun of the one thing that is keeping me from doing something I know I’ll regret. I made them listen to my favorite K-pop group, and they didn’t like it. Which was fine, because people have their own preferences, right? But then I let them listen to a solo artist, and they said they liked this one better because it sounded more legit.

“Legit”? So the first one wasn’t? So the first group, who worked hard to climb their way up from nowhere to get to where they are now, aren’t “legit” to you? You think they’re fake? You think they’re pretentious little things? You got that all from listening to three songs?

I let it slide, of course. Because “Maybe it’s just a preferences thing.”

But then they played that same group on the TV in our classroom. And they said that the song sounded the same as this other song they liked. And they called them plagiarizers. And they said they would sue them for plagiarizing.

I went off for a little, but then got tired, so I just let it go.

But then they kept dissing every single K-pop group that they played on the TV. Every time a group appeared, they would roll their eyes so wide, they would boo and ask for “real music”, forgetting that a big portion of the class was into K-pop.

To be honest, every single time I let it slide, it was because I thought I was being oversensitive. I thought, “God, you’re overreacting. They’re just speaking their mind. You can’t force everyone to like the same things as you.”

But I realized. It wasn’t the fact that they hated K-pop that made me annoyed.

It was the words they used.

It was the fact that they thought it was okay to blatantly call a genre of music “fake” and not “legit” enough for them. It was the fact that they thought it was okay to call an artist plagiarizers so blindly and stupidly. It was the fact that they thought it was okay to insult every single Korean singer, person, act just because they’re becoming a little bit more popular nowadays.

It’s the fact that they never think about how their words can hurt other people.

That’s what makes hanging out with them difficult. They never think of the power of their words. They aren’t considerate of how other people feel. They never think before they speak. They never check on how the way they act becomes so rude. It isn’t a preferences thing. It’s a problem of insensitivity, of having no filter, of having no conduct, of being so rude and thinking that you’re always right and that nothing you’re doing is wrong.

It’s sitting on a guy’s lap without asking them if it’s okay. It’s about insulting your friend’s favorite band without checking your wording. It’s about using Freedom of Speech as your argument every time when you don’t even know what it means.

The worst thing about this is that I’ve told them so many times to think before they speak. So. Many. Times. The most recent one was when I told them directly, in front of the whole class, that they had to their mind straight and think for once. A week later, they’re sitting on a guy’s lap with a smile on their face that makes me sick.

They’re a good person. I know that. They’re kind. They’re loyal. They can change.

But how long am I going to wait for that change to happen? How long am I going to keep telling them to change when the very next day they’re going to do the very same thing I told them not to?

I’m tired of this. I’m at my limit. Hanging out with them feels more like an obligation rather than a reason to smile. Hearing them speak makes me wish I had my earphones on 24/7. Seeing their face makes me want to pluck my eyes out.

This is coming from someone who’s never learned how to hate. This is coming from someone whose heart aches at just the thought of insulting someone, of calling them out, especially behind their back.

I hate this. I hate that I learned what hatred feels like because of this person. I want to cut them off of my life so I can be free of everything that’s keeping me down.

One last time. One last try. If they hurt me one more time, I’m done being friends with them. I’m done trying to change them for the better. I’m tired of hoping for them.

If they eff up one more time, hoping they’ll change won’t be my job anymore.

It is 9:30 PM and I’m ending this log with Day6’s My Day, listening in from my Day6 playlist.

#diary #journal #tw: sexual harrassment #personal

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optionaldiary-blog · 8 years ago

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01-02-18 (11:04 AM)

log playlist: I Loved You – Day6 // Rocket – Seventeen // Dreamin’ – Got7 // Sun, Moon, Star – KNK // Melted – AKMU // Champagne – FTIsland // Tell U Dat – Boyfriend // Love You – KNK // I Wait – Day6 // DNA – BTS // White T-Shirt – Jonghyun // Agust D – Agust D // Just U – Jeong Sewoon prod. GroovyRoom // Tomorrow, Today – JJ Project // Without You – Seventeen // Swim – Bobby // Shelter – Porter Robinson // Icarus – JJ Project // Dope – BTS // Travel – FTIsland // Green Window – AKMU // Congratulations (Final Ver.) – Day6 // Fast Pace – Seventeen // All Alone – Day6 // Cherish – EXO-CBX // Butterfly Girl - EXO

Good morning to me, as I just realized that the people who might be reading this might read this at a time different from now. Since I decided on that log playlist yesterday, let’s talk about the song that started this log: I Loved You by Day6. This song is a very mellow sort of sound, and talks about how someone loves someone so much that it hurts, and they hate being in love with them because of the reason that they can’t hate them. So, pretty sad, but I love it so much. Day6 is more of a band rather than an idol group, so obviously their songs have a completely different feeling from idol groups like Got7. They also prefer to do much slower songs, like I Loved You, though they also have some really hardcore songs like I Wait and How Can I Say. In any case, Day6 is definitely my favorite band, because their sound is so unique and diverse. They have their own color to the point that I could probably recognize if a song is very Day6-like.

Anyway, since the track shifted from I Loved You to Rocket by Seventeen, let’s talk about whatever it is that happened this morning. So, I woke up in a good mood today, which, considering the fact that I had been waking up on the wrong side of the bed the entire December break, is pretty surprising. But it’s a pleasant feeling. I mean, I have to savor this rare time of me waking up fine and not wanting to not wake up at all, right? Right. Anyway.

So, I just came back from buying a rewriteable DVD from a store so I could burn those videos I mentioned the previous log. To be honest, I’m not someone who’s completely confident in being independent enough to do things on my own. I’m kind of awkward when it comes to buying stuff on my own, and going outside on my own—basically doing anything outside without help. When it comes to academic stuff, or doing work on my computer, or doing household chores, I’m pretty well-off. I think I can survive without any help when it comes to things like that. I mean, I can’t cook that well yet—I mean, I can cook, it’s just that I don’t know a lot of recipes. But give me a recipe and I can make something decent. But anyway.

Yeah, I don’t think I’m good at handling things outside the four walls of this apartment. I mean, I can buy things at the grocery, and I can order stuff at fast food restaurants, but I’d be extremely awkward in doing so. You won’t find me at ease at all. I can get the task done; it’s just that I don’t feel like I’m in my own skin when doing so.

I’m sixteen years old. At this point I should be able to do such things with ease, I know. I guess it’s just the fact that I don’t feel comfortable when facing things I’m unfamiliar with. Like going outside and interacting with people at stores, or at the palengke (which is like the farmer’s market, except it’s an every day thing, and not just on the weekends, as I have heard), or at restaurants. I don’t even know how to pay the bills, or use an ATM on my own, or any of that. I’m good at talking to teachers I haven’t met before, at going to places in my school I’ve never been to, at checking the reliable sources on the internet, at doing the chores, and all that jazz. New things scare me, but I guess that isn’t anything new to anyone. Everyone gets scared by new things; it’s just that some people are better at adapting than others.

Thinking about it, I think if I was with people around my age, I’d be more comfortable with doing such things. But when I’m with, say, my mother, or my older sister, or my father, I tend to become more dependent on them since they’re so reliable. I lean on them because I can, but when they’re gone, there’s nothing to lean on, and I’ll probably end up falling. But when there are people who are even more unreliable than I am, then I’m gonna have to do all the unfamiliar tasks by the sheer force of necessity alone.

Anyway. What else. I don’t really have much to talk about.

Oh, wait, the birds. Right.

So, I mentioned that I lived in an apartment, right? In the kitchen portion of this tiny space, there’s this big window that opens to the view of a wall of a big building, and the wall of an even bigger building, and some tiny buildings’ rooves. So, directly under the window is a green roof. A few days ago, my mother started throwing the leftover rice over on that that roof. Some birds would occasionally gather around the rice and start eating them. They’re cute little things: brown, and small, and round. I’d call them fat, but I’ve seen some pretty fat bird pictures online, so I’d say they’re chubby at most. Cute and chubby.

Anyway, you know how birds are easily spooked by any movement, right? Yeah, sometimes I’d accidentally have two ceramic plates clank really loudly, and any bird who was eating would immediately fly up into space and never come back. (Okay, that’s an exaggeration; they do come back, after a while.) But yeah. I think with time we can have our own army of birds as long as we keep feeding them leftover rice.

Thinking about those birds makes me realize how much I wanna raise chickens and ducks in the future. I mean, in the future, I’d want a farm filled with chickens and ducks. That’d be so cool. I’d love to have a peaceful life like that.

Like, I’d be living in this house of two stories, and there’d be a garden and a place for my chickens and ducks. It has to be a place with lots of wind, so either near the coast or on a mountainous area. So, like, either in Ilocos or the Cordilleras. Anyway, I want there to be a porch and a rocking chair, so I can rock in that rocking chair while I feel the wind pass by. I wouldn’t have any kids, because I’d be a high school teacher, teaching at a school me and my sister founded. And I’d also write stories and read books and tend to my garden and my chickens. A pretty peaceful lifestyle is what I want.

I just want to achieve peace in my life. No chaos, no discord—just pure, uninterrupted peace. That’d be the life, wouldn’t it?

What else do I want to talk about. Well, right now, I’ve got my music up in almost-full volume since my mother is grinding some chicken right now, and it’s pretty noisy. What’s playing now is Agust D by Agust D from his mixtape Agust D. Which is a pretty hardcore rap song. Most people are surprised when they find out I listen to really hardcore (there really isn’t a word in my vocabulary that I can use as well right now) songs like that. I think people view me as a very peaceful person, or at the very least, very quiet.

At school, I’m generally very quiet. I also keep to myself, but that’s because I find comfort in being alone. I like being with myself, and at times, that’s enough. I mean, I got Intrapersonal as my highest Multiple Intelligence for a reason. Though, sometimes, I guess being alone is lonely. Sometimes, I just want someone to talk to and laugh things about, but most of the time, I have my own agenda in life, and talking to other people takes me away from my plans.

For example, during lunch breaks and after classes, I learn Korean via self-study. I have this notebook where I write my notes while looking at my phone, which has all the PDF files of the lessons ready. For some reasons I won’t tell right now, my mother doesn’t like it when I learn Korean. She thinks it’s not a top priority and that I shouldn’t focus on it, which I totally get, but the thing is, learning about the Korean language is something that I find fun it. It was literally just an impulse decision that I ended up loving. It’s just such a cute language, I mean—the literal translation for “tears” is “eye water,” and the literal translation for “voice” is “throat sound”. It’s just such a wonder to learn, and I guess the fact that I also listen to Korean music certainly helps me feel more attached to learning. Because now, I can actually understand some of the words, phrases, and sentences as my learning progresses. But my mother doesn’t like it when I learn Korean, so I have to do it in secret and as sparingly as possible. And the only time I can learn Korean is either (a) when she’s not home, and (b) at school.

So, I’m sure you’d understand why lunch break is such a crucial time for me. I don’t have all the time in the world to learn an entire language freely, and I’m already like twenty lessons behind from what I intended to study. And right now, it’s December break, and my mom doesn’t leave the house as often, and when she does, I’m doing some other work that isn’t learning Korean. I use up all my lunch break and the hour after school to study Korean. So whenever someone comes up to me to hang out, I have to grit my teeth and force myself to talk to them.

I don’t want to be rude to that person—they’re actually pretty fun to be with. It’s just that I don’t value social relationships as much as I value my work. Lately though, whenever they come over from the other class and they see I’m doing my work, they just greet me sweetly as usual, and move on to talk to someone else. Which I think is very understanding of them. I never actually told them how much Korean means to me, so the fact that they leave me to my own devices means a lot to me. I wish I could be a bit more social to them, maybe through Messenger, but like I said, I don’t really value social relationships as much as my work.

I don’t know. I love interaction, but there’s a limit. Social interaction drains me, to be honest. I don’t hate people, but I’m a lot more comfortable without them. If I were to be ideal, the best social interaction I’d have with close friends is hanging out in comfortable silence, doing our own work, and just being together. With a hug or two, or maybe exchanging some words. But never a full-on conversation. Talking drains me, and tires me. So, for me, a low-maintenance friendship is the best kind of friendship.

Since we’re on this topic, why don’t we talk about my take on romantic relationships? First off, I’m a Muslim. And Muslims don’t have this “dating” that you all speak of. We don’t date, period. But we do marry, often times arranged. And before you guys say something like, “But aren’t forced marriages against your rights as a human being?” Please. It’s nothing like Mulan 2, alright.

I’m not sure about other Muslims, since the ways might differ from country to country, but I’m referencing my dad right now, and he works in Saudi Arabia, and he references his best friend, so that’s the basis for this explanation. Anyway, how does the arrange marriage work in Muslim families? Well, for starters, one situation would be for the parents to decide on a potential guy. This is mostly for their daughters. So, the parents see this guy and think, “Hey, he looks pretty cool. Kind, religious, honest. Maybe he’d be great for our daughter!”

At this point, most people would think that the parents discuss the marriage with the guy, and suddenly the girl gets married off to a total stranger without her consent, like Annaliese from Barbie: Princess and the Pauper. But that is not the case. The parents go to the daughter in question and ask her what she thinks of this guy. If she says yes, then yay, there’s a newly married couple! If not, then the parents will have to do better next time. Like what Samirah al-Abbas said (this quote might not be entirely accurate since it’s been months since I’ve last read Magnus Chase, and I haven’t even finished the first book yet), “Sometimes, the parents actually care what the daughter thinks.”

Another situation would be the guy and the girl meeting each other to see if they’re good for each other. In this scenario, there would have to be a third party (usually for the girl) to make sure the two don’t go beyond the lines Allah drew. It’s not like the third party is gonna be this hovering, brooding person who watches your every move, nah. They’re just gonna be there in presence and let the conversation flow whatever, as long as no one crosses the line. And, just saying, if any of you think this is too “oppressive” or “against my rights as a human being”, first of all, don’t judge a culture when you don’t even know the reasons for such. No one even complains about it. Everyone is okay with it. So, stop pointing fingers and calling us oppressed because that is so dumb.

Anyway, yeah. Where was I? Right. Anyway, the two meet each other and talk about whatever, maybe their common interests, what they’re jobs are, etc. They can meet up for as many times as they want, but don’t do anything that only married couples can do. And when they finally decide that they want to marry, then yay! More married couples for everyone.

I don’t even remember how I got to this. I think I was supposed to talk about my take on romantic relationships or something. Anyway, what do I think about a potential love life? Well, personally, I don’t want one. I don’t want to marry, and I certainly don’t want kids. The thing is my principle is that if I were to have kids, I won’t have a job. Why? Because I have to be there for them, 24/7. Children need their mothers, and if their mother is always at work, how can they grow up under the nurturing care of someone who loves them? Yayas or nannies might help, but only physically. They don’t have the same love a mother has for their child. They can’t replace a parent.

You see, I want to work as a teacher. A high school teacher at a school my sister and I founded. I want to help students learn the best way they can, to be an inspiration to them, so they can be inspired to inspire and be the best they can be. That’s my dream.

So, I can’t put kids into the picture because I know that if I try to juggle work and family, my own children will be neglected. And that is not fair to them.

Besides, aren’t teachers basically like parents to their students? Like they say, school is your second home. Also, according to Allah, the best job isn’t being a doctor, or an engineer, or a scientist. It’s being a teacher.

Anyway, now that I’m exhausted from typing so much (I haven’t even started on Chapter 3 of my fanfic), I should end this log here. It’s now 12:37 PM and the song ending this is Butterfly Girl by EXO.

#diary #journal #personal #life

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optionaldiary-blog · 8 years ago

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01-01-18 (08:26 PM)

log playlist: Highlight – Seventeen // Better Better – Day6 // I Like It – BTS // I Got It – Samuel feat. Maboos // Letting Go – Day6 // Butterfly – Astro // We Don’t Take Anymore (Cover) – BTS // Don’t Wanna Cry – Seventeen // Crazy in Love – Seventeen // Feel So Good – KNK // Baby Baby – Suran // Bounce – Boyfriend // Home is Far Away – Epik High // When I Was Young – CNBlue // Dimple – BTS // Gol-Cha! – Golden Child // Energetic – Wanna One // Play Ugly – AKMU // Change Up – Seventeen // Domino – CNBlue // Cocktail – Jonghyun // Going Crazy - EXO

Now that I’m writing this, I don’t really know what to say. I mean, I had several ideas beforehand, like “Hello, to everyone who’s reading this for the first time,” and the all that general introduction jazz, but now that I’m staring at this blank Word document, it’s pretty reflective of the state of my mind right now.

I should probably start off with an introduction of myself and then move on to why I’m writing this in the first place. I’m a sixteen-year-old high school student from the Philippines, living in one of the colder regions of the country. I’m part of the Science program, which is kind of like the advanced class, except you get paid (it’s apparently a scholarship program, but I didn’t discover that until my 9th year of school. I just assumed it was a section of students with a different approach to learning). I like to write in general, stories and the occasional poetry, as well as songs. Before, I used to write a lot of original fiction (all of them unfinished, unfortunately), but right now I’ve delved in to the world of fanfiction, which is a cool thing, really. It’s kind of like hiring other people’s characters and using them in your own story. But then you sort of twist things and change things up, and you end up creating your own version, your own take on someone else’s story. It’s pretty fun to make a reimagining of something that people already thought was perfect on its own. A lot of people think fanfiction is weird, but it’s pretty fun to do.

I also like listening to music, specifically Korean music and some hailing from the motherland and also the country that bought said motherland from another country who colonized us for 333 years (not a good time). My favorite groups right now are BTS, Day6, and Seventeen. To me, those three are the greatest artists of all mainstream K-pop. If you’re one of those who hates everything mainstream, maybe you’d like to check DEAN, Epik High, MoonMoon, Drug Restaurant, Akdong Musician, or Bolbbalgan4 out. They’re all amazing groups, and are totally worth giving a listen to.

Okay, so I should probably stop talking about myself at this point since I’m already getting out of track and am starting to advertise my interests to the general public who probably don’t care. So, why am I writing this online diary? Well, to be honest, this is literally an impulse decision that I made just this morning while washing the dishes. I’m currently struggling with self-worth combined with puberty and the stress of having to bear the responsibility of being an “almost-adult” so I thought that maybe writing a diary might help with that.

In 7th grade, my Edukasyon sa Pagpapakatao (EsP) or Values Education teacher made the class have a daily journal to be graded every quarter (each high school year is divided into four in the Philippines). Back then, I was really into writing in my journal and practically put whatever I wanted in it. I didn’t care much for what grade I got (though I did care what my teacher thought) because writing in that journal was just so fun. I even wrote a horror story in it just for fun, which my EsP teacher loved. That journal I had three years ago is what became the inspiration for this online diary.

For the previous six months, I’ve felt stuck. Like I couldn’t move from where I was. I wasn’t as motivated or inspired as I was back when I was in Grade 7. I didn’t really know what to do with it, and it came to the point that I thought there was nothing to look forward to in life, leading to a lot of dark thoughts.

Which is why I’m writing this diary—to hopefully make things better. Like I said, this is an impulse decision, and I’m not even sure if I’m even gonna continue this in the future. But right now I wanna do something to help myself. So I can move on. So I don’t have to be stuck anymore.

Now that we’ve got all that out of the way, let’s talk about whatever it is that happened today. To be honest, I don’t really have the best memory. It might be the fact that I probably don’t cherish The Moment as most people do, so I tend to forget things much more often than the average person (note: there is not statistic to prove this). They do say that your memory fails you more as you age, but I’m sixteen; I don’t think this is a common occurrence among teenagers.

But anyway, what happened today? Like I said, I can’t really remember much, but the primary thing I did today is the group project for English. At this point, I should probably not give too much information on the off chance that one of my school mates would read this and realize, “Yo, this is her, isn’t it?” in which case, I would have to scream into a wall, but! Whatever.

So anyway, the English project is to make a video essay about Nature using original videos. Pretty simple, though I have to admit the editing process is pretty difficult—for me, anyway. It’s December break right now, so all of my groupmates when to all sorts of places in the Philippines for their vacation, specifically to celebrate Christmas. Now, I’m a Muslim, you see, (at this point, if any of my classmates are reading this they’d be like, “Yooo, this is her!”) and we don’t really celebrate Christmas, so there really isn’t any point in going to The Province or wherever my “family” lives (I put quotation marks on family for a reason—but that’s a story for a different time) for the holidays. Needless to say, we stayed in the city, where no sign of Nature can be seen, save for the public park, which, right now, is infested with the pests we call tourists. (I’m really not sorry, but I really wouldn’t mind the tourists who come to this place if they just stopped littering e v e r y w h e r e.)

So anyway, since I’m the only one who can’t take nature videos, I got stuck with the editing job, which is actually pretty okay for me. I mean, I like to edit videos, more as a hobby than anything. I actually want to study film and things related to that, but my dad said that there are workshops for that, so now I’m stuck with being an English major in college (which is also fine because I also want to learn that, but man, do I also want to learn how cameramen do it).

Anyway, where the heck am I going with this? I don’t really know. Um, yeah, so I did video editing for the entire day, which was kind of draining. I also had another video editing project (this time individual) for another subject, MAPEH (Music, Arts, Physical Education, and Health). I finished that one for the first five days of December break, but let me tell you it was the worst experience of my life. Trying to time the videos to the music was the worst. I had to film my class practicing and performing for a Hip Hop performance (which I wasn’t allowed to do because of my religion, which is why I got stuck with documentary) while also having to edit the video. They practiced for like six days, so I thought, “Why don’t we use six songs for six days?” Worst decision, let me tell you. I had a headache for those five days of editing. The video turned out well, but I do not want to experience that again.

Anyway, back to the English video, I also had some difficulty with that, but not as much as I did with the MAPEH video, since for this one I didn’t really try to put a lot of effort into it. The only problem I had was arranging all the different videos and making it into one good one. The theme was the four elements, so they videoed the grass, a waterfall, the sky, and like one shot of a bonfire sort of thing, but. Like. No offense, honestly, but I wasn’t really feeling inspired by it? I don’t mean to be mean, honestly, that’s the last thing I want to be. But I guess I didn’t really get hit in the face by the entirety of the project. Also, the music choice wasn’t my style (I was given three choices by one of the members, so I chose the one I liked best) so I guess that might be one of the factors. The end result was solid, but I guess I didn’t really have an emotional attachment to it.

Like, to compare with another video project I had for MAPEH: this one was also Mother-Nature-themed, but we had to film the videos at school. For this one I was a lot more excited and definitely more into it. The other members were also kind of into it (not as much as I was, but they were pretty ecstatic considering that other Grade 10 students really do not give a flying duck about projects) so that helped a bit. I was literally happy about editing the video. It was literally the best. One of the members wore a dress to act as Mother Nature, and the other members were also really into acting the scenes, so it was pretty fun.

Now that I’m thinking about it, maybe the reason why I was more excited by the MAPEH video than the English video is because of the amount of effort the members give. You see, I’m the type of person to put my all into something. It’s been like this since 7th grade. But during Grade 10, that motivation and drive sort of slowed down to a stop because a lot of the people around me wasn’t as into doing work and projects as I was. It was sort of demotivating, especially during group projects. So that means my motivation started depending on how motivated my group members were. I guess that makes sense.

At this point, I should probably clarify that I literally do not plan heavily on what I want to write; it’s really just me writing whatever pops up in my head and adding to that, like a through-composed song. Yeah.

Anyway, what else… well, there’s this thing called a bullet journal that I’m starting to do for this year of 2018. But I’m pretty tired right now, so maybe I’ll just talk about that next time. I mean, I still have to set up a Tumblr for this online diary, after all. Like I said, I’m looking at a Word document as I type.

I guess this is the end for this log. It’s currently 9:34 PM, and right now, EXO’s Going Crazy is playing from my Favorites playlist. Ooh, maybe I should make a list of songs that had been playing while I’ve been writing all of this at the top of this log, starting with what song started playing. Yo, that’d be dope.

#diary #journal #personal #anonymous #hope this helps

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