outsideinside-entries

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I love him so much, I wish I could be enough.

[outsideinside-entries]

Sometimes when it’s distance or when he’s critiquing me way too hard I start thinking about going upstairs. Not to get away from him or anything, usually when I want to we’re sitting in silence anyway. I think about a past version of him sitting upstairs sitting on the edge bed waiting for me. Waiting for me to come up the stairs and be held by him.

I miss being held by him and it not meaning anything except love. There’s a motive isn’t there? There’s a reason why he holds me now a days. I miss things just being love with no other meaning.

Sometimes I want to ask him, “why when you’re upset do you subtly take it out on me?” I want to ask “why when you have a problem with someone we know, you try to change me instead? Because you’d know I’d change? Because you know that I love you so much I would turn myself inside out for you?”

I would hate for that to be my Achilles heel, my desperate unconditional love for you. I used to see it as one of my most prominent strengths.

Don’t you know that’s one of my hardships? All my life I’ve tried to teach myself not to tear myself apart for others. But damn, it’s just so irresistible. I love tearing myself apart for others, especially for you. I was naïve to think that you would try to hold me back. I guess it feels good to you too.