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[oxalisinthegarden]

Charles Bukowski, "the miracle is the shortest time," from War All The Time: Poems, 1981-1984

[oxalisinthegarden]

July 5

Things have been getting bad again for a few weeks now, maybe even a month or more. I couldn't tell you. Time becomes just another thing slipping through my fingers. All I know is I'm tired. I don't think anyone should be struggling to exist. I feel like I am constantly under attack and it's nothing new. With this disorder I have 4 good months, 2 touch and go months, and 6 bad ones. It keeps going like that, like a cycle. I'm supposed to think 4 months is enough to fight through the other 8. Who would agree with that? I don't even know what to do anymore. Giving up is the only thing I haven't tried. I know I have a lot to live for, but I am so tired of fighting to keep what little I have. The good things that I turn to are just turning into ash in my palms.

I don't know how to go on when I keep hitting brick walls.

-Oxalis

[oxalisinthegarden]

December 6

It's been another bad day. We had to call the benefits office today and that went down exactly the way I thought it would. Something went wrong and instead of our case worker calling us they just removed us from benefits completely. So, I was naturally having a breakdown while my fiancé dealt with it. Not to my standards of course. I want everyone who was involved in cutting corners here to know what they've done. Not that they would've cared anyway. Oh, and did I mention, Friday was my birthday. 30 years old. And every day that goes by I have at least one frustrating moment at home where I wish it was my last. I'm just so fuckin exhausted. I'm "at least I woke up today" type of poor. We're "be grateful for the bare minimum" poor. "At least we're not blah blah blah" poor. I'm so tired of it. All I can do is hope that the housing department will be of more help. We should be hearing back from them any day. If they even call back. As shown by what happened today, we know these people will cut corners whenever they can. I don't know how much longer I can carry on like this. It does nothing but take a toll on me and I get worse and worse and worse. With no fucking end in sight. No hope. Never. Right now all I can do is take things as they come. I'll start with hoping my fiancé gets home safe. Until later.

Oxalis

[oxalisinthegarden]

December 5

I can't believe how long it's been since I've typed an entry on here. It is not because everything was going great. Everything was just as awful as it always was, just different. I don't think I have felt such sorrow since I was a teenager. Fucking hopelessness. I'm hoping and praying that it'll pass quickly. But I know, even if it does, it'll always come back. Until later.

Oxalis

[oxalisinthegarden]

April 28

It’s another bad day. As it usually is when I show up here. I hate myself for that. This started as as type of diary for me. I wanted to check in daily. I thought it would be good for me since I often find myself alone drowning in the things that fill my brain. Thoughts, memories, worries, regrets, things all people have floating around in their skull. Mine are just louder and meaner. Hard to manage. So, I thought if I did a little diary entry every day it would help me. It just never worked out that way, I don't need to get things out when I'm happy, or if my fiancé is here. He’s very understanding of my illness and trauma. Talking to him makes things better. But when he’s not here or its him to upset me in some way I’m back in my prison. I forget this is even an option. Maybe next time I’ll remember. Until then.

Oxalis

[oxalisinthegarden]

March 30

I don’t think that I am gonna be here much longer. I can’t handle anything. Not the smallest amount of stress. I can’t handle anything and I am just going to continue to be this ugly, crazy, useless burden. I don't WANT to die. I just want all of this to stop. The same as every other person in my position. Again, I am stuck in this negative, low vibration place. I hate it. I started my day off a little different today. Hopefully, it is a thing I can stick to. I really want to be better. I don't want to suffer like I do anymore. I just don’t know how to get out of this hole. Today is a better day than yesterday and tomorrow will be better than today. Until later.

Oxalis

[oxalisinthegarden]

March 23

We have had so much happen the past 2 weeks. I don’t even know if we’re ever gonna be on top of life. I’m just so tired of always putting things off. When we put off our short term goals, that pushes our long term goals off as well. It seems like it’s never going to end. I feel like if we got one break I could pull myself out of this negative mindset. I say ‘never’ too much. I wanna be in a place where I can confidently say ‘not now, but soon’ when we have to push something off. I wanna wake up in the morning and meditate. Drink water and do yoga. Find some inner peace and just enjoy life. It’s just so hard to do that when every single time there is an opportunity for something, it always passes us by. I blame myself because this constant negativity could be what attracts it to us. There’s so much power in the mind and instead of manifesting the good I only manifest the bad. I wanna be different. I want to be the light, not the darkness. I want to do and be so much and I don’t understand why I can't get out of my own way. I want it so badly but my brain and body don't. I need to stop hoping and start doing. I have to be strong enough, everyone is. If everyone can do it, then I sure as fuck can. I’m sure once things calm down the future will look a little brighter. Until later.

Oxalis

[oxalisinthegarden]

March 17

The past 2 days have been absolutely perfect. My fiancé got the room all cleaned up and my desk moved back to the living room. Everything is finally starting to take shape up here. He worked really hard. He goes to work tomorrow. He makes everything in my life more tolerable. I’m so fuckin blessed to have him. I don’t have a lot to share. Just fuckin love him so much, and he loves me. And I’m really out here with the audacity to say I’ve got bad luck. lol. I have a feeling tomorrow is gonna be a great day. Until later.

-Oxalis

[oxalisinthegarden]

March 11

Things are still difficult. I got overly frustrated with my son today because he can never just listen to the things I ask of him. That I get easily frustrated. It’s not his fault. I hate that it had to get to this point. Where I can’t handle anything at all. I begged and begged and begged for help around here. I told my fiancé that I was only gonna get worse If things didn’t get cleaned up. And he just kept putting it off. The mess got worse and so did I. And now I’m in this place where I don’t even recognize myself. I’m terrified that I’m too far gone now, that there isn’t going back from here. That there's no hope for me to ever live a normal life, to be moderately happy. I know no ones life is perfect. I don’t want perfect. I want bearable. I want tolerable. I wanna be able to cope with all the bullshit life throws at you. But I never can. I’m not supposed to be here. I was never supposed to be here. I know I gotta try harder. I’m just so exhausted. I don’t know how much more I have in me. In the bad moments when I am mid breakdown I feel like I don’t have another minute. I feel like I am in a burning building and everything inside me is screaming GET OUT but the ‘building’ is my own body. I don't know what's gonna happen. I know it’ll get easier but its just always an indefinite amount of time. I just have to hold on and hope that help gets to me in time. I’m gonna try to salvage my day into something I can be proud of. Whether or not that happens. We can always try to make tomorrow better. Until later.

Oxalis

[oxalisinthegarden]

March 8

Early last night, maybe like 8pm, we had a huge wind storm that took down some trees. We’ve got a small generator to keep the heat and lights on, but we can’t cook or anything like that. It’s frustrating because I am never able to have a normal day. There is always something that causes me to have some kind of fuckin issue. I can never just get up, make breakfast, have coffee. Just have a normal fuckin day. I’m so exhausted with fighting day after day only to get nowhere, or worse, back to where I started. I should just kill myself. I truly cause more problems than I am worth. I’m so tired. I’m just so fuckin tired of constantly struggling. I just want peace. I want it so badly but it is impossible for me to grasp any. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. No one understands. It’s so easy for everyone else. So they look at me like I’m being dramatic when they don’t know the fuckin tightness in my chest and the burning in my head. I just wanted to have a normal day. Have breakfast, maybe take a shower today. But I can never have anything. I’m not worth anything. I’m struggling a lot. I just wanted to take a shower and have a normal day. Like everyone else does. Even on days where I “salvage the day” its still me walking on egg shells all fuckin day so I can keep moving forward. I just want one day. Maybe tomorrow will be that day. Until later.

Oxalis

[oxalisinthegarden]

March 7

Today was supposed to be different. My fiancé worked hard putting away the decorations and clearing a walking path so I don’t get overwhelmed by the sounds of stepping on everything. I still managed to get frustrated anyway. Several times. I truly don’t know if this will ever stop. I just want to have a place of our own. It's the most frustrating thing. I feel like the real me is trapped in a cage. That all of this clutter and the overstimulation holds me back from the person I truly am. The person who could be completely happy here and in this life we have. The person who could be efficient and find solutions for our problems. But I’ll still find time to indulge my hobbies and practices. I’d have the space to goof off with my kid. But soon things are gonna change. Nothing is constant. It just gets fucking hard to believe that when nothing ever gets easier. I need to try harder to get on a higher vibration. I can’t manage to stay in a happy, calm place for too long. As soon as one little thing goes wrong I start blowing it all out of proportion as if nothing good ever happens. That’s not true but the ratio is not encouraging. But that's what I have to get passed, that it isn’t always good but it will always change. To be honest I’m starting to think I’m cursed or something. I know I’m being affected by the evil eye. I need to learn to better protect myself. I need to learn to take better care of myself. Tomorrow will be a better day. Until later. 

Oxalis

[oxalisinthegarden]

March 4

I had a doctors appointment yesterday. I really like my new practitioner. I haven't felt this comfortable talking to someone since Tom. He was ly long time practitioner for years, he knew everything and he genuinely cared for me and shit. I had to change to government healthcare after aging out of my dads insurance. That was hard, he helped me through my whole pregnancy. Which was a scary time for me. Gabby seems the same as him. I get the same type of energy. She was so excited when I told her the new medication has me feeling much better. I love that. I love when a doctor is genuinely happy to hear their patient is going better. I saw the triumph on her face when I told her the suicidal ideation were much better. I felt like she was celebrating for us both. She’s so kind. That’s why it sucks on days like this where I feel like I lied. Like I’m not doing well. The main things that overwhelm me never change, they only get worse. I want so desperately to be like my mom. To just tackle it all. But I just can’t. I never can. Until later

Oxalis

Cont’d

I wasn’t in the place to talk more earlier. I had an anxiety attack and had to take a Xanax. It was just one of those days where I woke up hopeful and was immediately shown that I am not capable of functioning in this house. We live in a house where clutter if absolutely everywhere. When we walk we have paths we walk through and we’re still always stepping on things. It makes me overwhelmed so easily. I get to the point where I can’t handle anything else. I can’t hear one more sound or touch one more thing. Its living in this house that is the biggest stressor for me. Well, not living here. Living here and being so fuckin crowded! Thats our own fault. I’m hoping that we can get to where we need to be. I know I can be better than this. It’s just so fucking hard when its so crowded. Life won’t always be like this. It gets better all the time. I just need more discipline. I need more help. Christ I hope I can get a handle on this soon. I can't take many more of these days. Until later.

Oxalis

[oxalisinthegarden]

February 4

I get more and more exhausted every fuckin day. I am so tired of not being able to just be here. Existing is a constant struggle for me. I started back on bipolar medication today. My new almost doctor lady thinks that things will change. That the medication hasn’t been right. So, I guess all we can do is wait and hope things improve. I have to keep fighting my own negative mindset. That’s probably the hardest part. I gotta get out of this bed. Make today better than yesterday. Until later.

-Oxalis

[oxalisinthegarden]

February 3

I haven't posted on here in quite a few months. Shit has really been going down almost constantly. I don’t even know how to lay it all out. Just life. Sometimes it’s beautiful and you’re full of hope. Other times it’s just kicking the ever living fuck out of you and you can’t catch a breath. It’s been hard to dig myself out of this pit of despair I always seem to be in. I am constantly feeling like the universe is out to get me, but that is never the case. There are lessons I need to learn and I never do. It’s time to take responsibility for my energy. I’m trying to stay focused on my goals and what’s important to me. Currently, that’s trying to get more organized. Declutter and donate. We live in a small space so its easy to get overwhelmed with stuff. Happens all too often. I try to plan and things still get away from me. I’m on a determined path though. I’m done focusing on things I can't control. I just want to FEEL better by the summer. I wanna feel more confident and capable. Everything else will follow. Until later.

Oxalis

[oxalisinthegarden]

September 15

Well, the interview didn’t turn out like we expected. We’re not gonna give the time of day to some asshole who doesn’t appreciate or respect my fiancé for his resumè. Imagine you drove 2 hours to interview for a job only to find out you had been deliberately misled and the interview was for a lower position with lower. But don’t worry, maybe, over time, you could get the position you were originally told you were interviewing for! Absolutely not. I think this was a test from the universe or some shit. We could take this first opportunity and move out, the only thing we've really been wanting to do. Or we can say no. The life we want and the happiness we deserve is worth waiting for. I do not chase, I attract. What belongs to me, will simply find me. Until later.

Oxalis

[oxalisinthegarden]

September 8

My fiancé has a job interview that could change everything for us. We’d be moving. There’s so many exciting things about that. Many scary things too. We’d be moving from the middle of nowhere to the middle of Philadelphia. I worry I’ll miss the space, the nature. I worry I’ll get claustrophobic there.I worry about leaving my dad and my brother. I barely see any of my friends any way, but being 2 and a half hours away from them would still be a bummer. But, on the other hand, there are so many wonderful things that would come of this. Our own home, finally. I look forward to the little things, being able to cook in the kitchen, being able to move around a whole house. Seeing my fiancé decorate the whole house for the holidays. Having space for a tree and his Christmas village. Then there's the city itself and how much there is to see and learn. We’d be in the thick of the museums and historical tours. Our son would be exposed to different people and cultures which will be so good for his development. What’s best for him is the most important. I’ve been reading it’s a safe place. So far its just an interview. We shall see. Until later.

Oxalis

[oxalisinthegarden]

September 4

I think about 9/11 a lot. I always have. I was sitting in my third grade class in Ohio when it happened. My teacher told us to go under the desks. When I got a little older I thought maybe that was because flight 93 was in our air space or whatever. But when I became grown I realized that she did that so we didn’t see what was on the tv. I remember seeing the image of smoke coming from the towers. I had no idea what it was. I remembered hearing the words ‘New York City’ which I had only known from James and the Giant Peach. It didn’t seem like a real place to me until that day. I don’t remember anyones reactions. I remember my mom picking my younger brother and I up from school, which was out of the ordinary. My mom watched the news that day. Which was also out of the ordinary. But outside of those things I don’t recall asking any questions or being scared or concerned. That’s crazy to me now because ever since middle school I’ve had this need to know everything I can about 9/11. Not so much the conspiracies or the war on terror that followed. But the events of the day specifically. What draws me to 9/11 as an event, I think, is the massive show of humanity that was shown that day, How everyone came together to help each other through the worst day of their lives. How some traveled great distances to help. I am also drawn to the macabre things about it too. What was it like to be up there, hundreds of stories above the ground, surrounded by black smoke and not having a way out? What’s it like to have to make the decision to burn to death or jump out a window? What’s it like to know you're gong to die? To know no help is coming. To know you have minutes left on your life. So many questions. I often think about my answers to the questions. What I would say and do. But do I really know? Do any of us know what we would do if we had to stare that kind of danger and threat of absolute death in the face? Would we be a hero as so many were? Would you go back to help a coworker down the steps? Would you stop and help someone on the street who's vision is clouded with debris? What would you do? Flight 93 is another story entirely of course. The heroism that took place on that plane that day is unmatched. Todd Beamer is a name and a face I will always know. The last known words he said stay with me. “Let’s roll.” A true hero in the face of absolute fuckin terror. They all were There were so many heroes, there are to this day. I wonder what those 2,977 people would think of our nation today....until later

Oxalis