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Am I ever gonna get love? Real love?

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Healing.

I know healing is not supposed to make you feel good very moment, part of your healing process is to have bad days but the important thing is to know how to deal with those moments.

For a few weeks now I’ve been feeling like I’m doing better than ever, finally I got him out of my life, I’m having fun and I thought that I was doing really great since I was feeling so motives at work, then I realized that I really don’t want to do that for life so I decided to find something that I would like more and so I was excited to star this new master’s degree. Today I even went to the park and I was doing really great so I decided to do some of the thing I didn’t do all week at work and then I couldn’t.

Right now I’m getting to a dark place again I’m afraid to not be able to get out of it in a long time because I don’t know how to deal with these moments. I have to but how?

I really need to find something that I feel really passionate about, but I don’t know what I like, or what I’m good at so how am I supposed to know that?. I want to start something mine but I don’t feel like I’m capable of that.

I need someone that could really help me, and that really care.

I really need to find a purpose in life. Soon. ASAP

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“Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our life.”

— Akshay Dubey

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Am I ever gonna find that love I’ve always dreamed about ?

Sometimes I feel like I’m always gonna be alone and maybe that’s why I keep lying to myself saying I still love him, because I don’t wanna end up alone like I’ve always been. But I feel like I am wasting his time but at the same time I don’t want him to have a good life with anyone else, it’s just not fair, I gave him everything he has now and everything he is today it’s because I was there to help him grow so ¿why would he enjoy that with someone else?

While trying to stop him to enjoy everything with some one else it’s like I’m putting myself in jail cause right now I don’t feel anything for him, for my job, I feel like i don’t have anything to be inspire or to give to someone and I don’t want to do anything.

As I watch love movies and knowing real life it’s not exactly like that, I still think there’s something better, I know there’s someone out there that could make me feel the way I felt at some point with him (or better) but also feel like part of something, getting to share my happiness with my family because I know they don’t tell me he’s not the right person to be mean but because they see something in him that I don’t (or did actually) and it’s not normal that all my close persons do the same they all think the same about him so something about that must be true.

I always make this ideas in my head that I’m gonna meet this amazing guy (or girl) that’s gonna make me feel like it’s the right choice but, is this really gonna happen ?

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Just on point

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disappointed

The more I try to be someone better the worse it gets. My mom just told me she feels disappointed of what I've become, literally this 22 years of trying my best to make her an dad proud were forgotten in one month.

Everything started because I fell in love with FM, in never felt this way about anyone before and somehow it is a problem for my mom, we almost broke up and I was feeling so sad that I needed to go and talk to him so I traveled to where he was to fix everything. That was the first thing my mom said she couldn't understand, of course she wouldn't cause she doesn't know my whole story with him.

Later in those days of summer she started saying that I was a totally different person and that she didn't like at all who I had become.

One day we fought and she told me I was taking advantage of get, that I only wanted her to give me money but keep her quite about anything in my life. She's wrong the truth is I just want her to let me be, let me make mistakes, let me try to be happy, but she can't she's very attached to her mistakes in the past and think that I'm gonna do the same thing and her solution is check on me every second.

The person that I've become in this past 2 and a half years had a reason to be, I mean who in the situations that I've been wouldn't change. And the reason she doesn't get it is because I can't trust get enough to talk to her about it.

One day I tried to tell her about the baby so I brought the talk about abortion, and what she think about it is horrible, if she says she's disappointed at me now imagine if she knows about my baby.

After being the perfect daughter and saying I think the same just to please her for 22 years I got tired I mean she never ask me to do that it was my decision, I don't know when did I decide to do that but I did so I got to a point that I just wanted to be myself completely, and love my life doing what makes me happy and turned out to be completely different of what my mom thinks it's right.

Maybe that's why she's saying she's disappointed and for her I'm really wrong but saying that I have no dreams and goals in my life is not the reality. I have dreams because I don't want to be anyone's shadow I want to have my own goals and be successful in my own way and maybe it's not the same way my mom thinks someone can be successful.

I'm not saying my mom is guilty of this feeling but I'm, I'm the one who chose this and now I can't fix it, and the consequence is my mom saying she's disappointed.

I'm not saying anything about my dad because now that he's gone I can't really know what would be the right thing to do for him and I don't wanna think about it.

How can the most wonderful person that could ever exist in your life, the one that gave you your life, can be at the same time the most damaging person for your soul and mind?

They say family is the most amazing thing you can have, but sometimes it's the most toxic too. And with this I'm not talking about my mom only, but about my brothers, and some others members of the family.

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sad

I wait for the day that I can be able to be really happy, because the more I try, the worse it gets, not only with him but with everything else because he thinks that what I do is shit literaly,

These days when everything in what I do is getting a dissaster the only person that could help me feel better wouldn’t care, because I have to tell him that I don’t care about that going worng because I want different things when is not true.

I really cae about what I do, I would love to make good an important things in that, it really hurts that nothing is going as I expected. It hurts and it makes me sad.

I’m so sad because noone notice thar I’m sad and the only person that I would tell is dead and now I can’t even complain abaout my fathers death because he thinks I’m being a victim and my mom couldn’t understand either because she would feel that I don’t think she is important.

I wish I could leave them all behind, I don’t like anyone in my life right now ANYONE

I’M SAD, ALONE, BROKEN, AND NO ONE AROUND ME NOTICES.

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Is it possible?

it’s so weird to love him and hate him at the same time. I feel empty one second and then I feel full of love.

How can that be possible, how can I have opposite feelings for the same person?

The person I love the most is the one that makes me feel the worst.

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Shitty persons

This time I ain’t gonna talk about him, tonight I’ll talk about the persosn who think they have the right or think that it is right to make others people life miserable.

I’m in a team of 9 athletes, we train 6 days a week, so I see them more times than I see my family, you could think we are just like that, a family, well you’re WRONG.

I met them around 10 months ago, and everything was great at the beggining but then one day they started acting so bad with me with no reason. One day I tried talking to them to solve things but it was imposible.

mypoint here is, even though you have reasons to hate someone, you don’t havethe right to make their lives horrible, make them feel bad, cause you never know what is happening with their lives.

People have dignity and have a worht and everyone shoud respect it.

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finding the strenght to do this

You hurt me.

That’s right YOU hurt ME.

“I’m sorry” you say. But you’re not sorry for what you did, you’re only sorry that it caused all of this.

You don’t even know what it is that you did.. You’re apologizing for the sole purpose of getting a quick fix. So you’ll get your way. Like always..

You’ll do it again, I know you will.

So for that reason, I need to forget about you.

I cared about you, I still do, but I need to forget. I need to move on.

If I don’t, you’ll destroy me,

this is something I realize now.

I was too foolish then.

I thought you’d realize,

I thought you’d care more,

I thought you’d learn from YOUR mistakes.

I was being WAY too considerate.

Just because you’re going through shit, doesn’t mean you treat people like shit.

This is something I know now, something I’ve realized.

So I deleted, unfollowed, blocked.. something I did for me.

I care to much about myself to stay in your toxic mindset.

I can’t do that to myself.

So I’m doing this for me.

So bye, I’m sorry you had to loose someone like me: someone who put you over themselves, someone who would’ve done anything for you.

I’m sorry you lost me but I’m not sorry that I’m moving on.

Im doing this for me.

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self worth

I’ve always thought of myself as someone intelligent, powerfull and important, that I could do anything I want.

almost two years ago I met him, he told me he thought I wouldn’t talk to him or go out and I did. Now one year and 8 months he thinks I’m worthless, a whore and what I do means nothing to him or the world.

Shouldn’t the person I love the most support and think it’s great what I do and that my efforts to be someone important be worht everything for him?

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TRUST?

when we have a boyfriend/girlfriend we MUST TRUST him/her.

We wasn’t born the day we met them, that means we have a past, a lot of desitions taken that, in those moments, we thought they weren’t wrong,

And then we met them, somehow the desitions we took lead us to the moment and place that made us meet them.

After sometime of meeting my boyfriend I thought it was a good idea to let him know my problems, experiences, the persons I let to get in to my life and heart and the ones that hurt me, the ones who made me feel bad and the ones who change me.

I was sure it would drive us to a right direction where the trust would be the principal thing, but it wasn’t like that, after trusting him everything that happened in my past he used it against me, now I’m a worthless, whore, stupid and powerless girl who is guilty of every action a guy decide to do like talking to me, add me on any social media and even say hi to me in person, WHY? because I made them do that with my actions in the past thats what he says.

Now after a year and eight months together to avoid problems of him thinking I’m trying to seduce someone else, I’m not allowed to have facebook and he even wanted me to change my number.

I must confess I’m letting a lot of bad things happen, and accepting this it’s not the worst thing I’ve lived with him. The other day we were fighting about a tweet i posted and some guy answered it and he tought I was guilty of that, so when I was trying to solve the problem and everything he grabed me from the neck and them push me down to the bed saying “shut up”, wanna know the worst part? he didn’t even say sorry.

What are we doing but most important what am I doing in this relationship?

I should leave him but a lot of things that happened before stop me.

One day I’m gonna be strong enough and fix this situation.

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the reason why

I found myself here trying to find out why am I still trying something I know how is gonna end? I found something i wrote a year ago, complaining about the same exact situation I do today, and I remember that a year ago I said to myself I wouldn’t let the people do that to me.

This is when i realise how you can hurt yourself so much and for so much time, but the craziest thing is that we expect the other people not to hurt us, I mean that’s pretty stupid, isn’t it? Just like this man that’s hurting me, or better said, the man I accept to hurt me says “You can’t be good with anything or anyone if you’re not good with yourself” and he is right.

I mean how can I be mad at him for thinking I’m not good enough if I sometimes think the same, and not only with him but wiht my mother, brothers or family.

Can’t talk about my father, I regret a lot of things and never was a good daughter to him, thinking that he wasn’t the best father and now that I don’t have him anymore i realise I should be better. But that’s something I need to solve myself later.

I used to be a leader, use to have fun and love myself, I even stop thinking Im beautifu, I don’t know why accept the comments of this man afect my mind, but more important:

when and why did I stop loving my self so much?

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night thoughts

Sometimes we don’t love ourselfes enough, that we accept bad treats of other and we think we deserve it. Because we think we won’t find something better.

We think that is love, and ask ourselves ¿Why can’t he love me like I love him?

THAT IT’S NOT LOVE

“Love so much” isn’t what you should look for, but “love right” is.

“Love with knowledge” love yourself and look for the love you deserve.

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what if im never able to find someone and have a good relationship?