padawanderer

[padawanderer]

- she was the softest softest cat on the PLANET, never felt softer fur on any other cat

- she had tufty beans and bunny feet

- she was so expressive with her sounds, especially sounds of dissatisfaction "whyyy" "nooo"

- she would jump up on my desk and puzzle table to get attention "DEEAAATH"

- she would run all over the house chasing mosquito hawks and flies. We used to joke that when we go away and have a sitter come, just have them release a couple flies inside the apartment every day to keep her busy

- her favorite moves were flop-and-roll and snacks-and-snuggles, and she REALLY loved the belly rubs and armpit scritches

- she was OBSESSED with the cowhide on the futon at the cabin and would roll around on it nonstop

- when she was little, she was also obsessed with Chim Chune's towel and would frequently pull it off the back of my chair to roll around on it and shove her face deep into it

- she always preferred ripping at toys once she got them in her paws, over batting at them

- after we put the carpet squares down, she seemed to really enjoy sitting on them as her special spot and using them as scratch pads

- Akiko Doubledaggerfang. Nuff said.

- whenever we were gone and she felt lonely, she would drag all of her rope toys into my closet, the braided rope and the rope with the blue bunny and the sushi wand

- sometimes she would bring the braided rope to bed in the middle of the night too

- she would expectantly look at Chim Chune for lap time and would jump up even if the blanket wasn't ready

- one time she was being super chatty and Chim Chune asked her who her favorite dictator was, and she immediately went silent "you're right Kiko! The best dictator is no dictator"

- since Chim Chune cooks mostly vegan, the sniffing and looks of growing excitement and then absolute begging whenever we cooked fish

- despite the anticipation of fish, her favorite treat was probably a dove breast that she dragged to a corner and then completely demolished, devouring the bones and all

- she had a huge fluffy raccoon tail and a wobbly belly but really wasn't overweight

- I became so attuned to the sound of her jingle jangle bell coming up the stairs. I'm worried I'll be hallucinating the sound for a terribly long time after.

- I loved watching her eat kibble, the way she would scoop kibble directly from the puzzle feeder to her mouth and keep pawing and spinning the wobble toy around and around

- she liked to be with us when we were eating, so she would either snack on the grass when it was on the windowsill, eat kibble, or watch us from her perch

- she would bust into the bathroom like a linebacker knocking down a door and immediately jump in the tub when we were done showering "this is a human conversation! No cats allowed" "MEOOWWW"

- when she first came home, she immediately established Akiko's Room and Akiko's Orange Chair

- she constantly wanted to bump noses before, during, and after naps

- every time she wanted to snuggle if I was in or on the bed, it was an immediate flop up against me and motorboat purring

- it made it kind of hard to shift around in our sleep or in the morning, but I wouldn't trade the warm bulk of her body for anything

- she went crazy for the Whidbey Island catnip mouse and the orange tassels wand...top tier toys

- she liked to sit in the pots with the jaboticaba when it was small and she was small, and then later in the kiwi pot when she was bigger

- speaking of plants, she would obsessively try to eat any and all spider plants within reach (lil druggie) and even nibbled at the freesia leaves, the latter probably out of curiosity

- she liked being held so that she could hang her arms over the crook of my arm and streeeeeeetch out

- in fact, her whole body liked to stretch, she was such a loooong cat when sleeping with her arms out, body elongated, back legs kicked up a bit

- she would lay on my neck in a half-strangle every morning for hours if I would let her

- she was still warm when I found her, and I held her against me until she passed. I hope she knew mommy was there to comfort her until she was gone.

[padawanderer]

how you know it's true love

context: we recently switched from netflix to hulu, and I was excited to find that Arrival is on hulu as it's one of my all-time favorite movies. CCK knows this and we've been waiting for a good time to commit to sitting down and watching it. I didn't tell him much about it, except that I really like it.

---

setting the scene: sunday afternoon after volunteering, this week he did wildlife and I did cats

CCK, audiobook enthusiast: so I was listening to this cool short story while volunteering and I think you'd really like it!

me, short story enthusiast: oh yeah? what's it called?

CCK: I think it's called "Stories of Your Life" or something?

me: ......"Story of Your Life"? by Ted Chiang?

CCK: yeah!!! I was listening to it and I was like "sandy would love this!" why, do you know it?

me, mind blown and loving it: that's literally the short story that Arrival is based off of...like Arrival is literally a film adaptation of "Story of Your Life"

CCK, also mind blown and also loving it: OMGGG I HAD NO IDEA

me: DO YOU GET WHY I LOVE THE MOVIE AND THE CONCEPTS SO MUCH NOW

CCK: OMG YA

me: OMG

CCK: OMG

[padawanderer]

A mix of homemade and hand me downs, fresh flowers, hanging out together in the daylight, a kitchen at work, baking, a living wall and a living garden

Bid at home

[padawanderer]

And I really wasn't! I had committed myself to reevaluating and rediscovering and reinvesting in things that I was interested in, had made a whole bunch of plans, and then bam

via weheartit

[padawanderer]

Slight mistiness on my face, gentle slip of petals under my fingers, cool slick stone, damp air and dewy grass

[padawanderer]

sometimes my heart hurts with how much i love this man

[padawanderer]

“The capacity to be alone is the capacity to love. It may look paradoxical to you, but it is not. It is an existential truth: only those persons who are capable of being alone are capable of love, of sharing, of going into the deepest core of the other person — without possessing the other, without becoming dependent on the other,..Without reducing the other to a thing, and without becoming addicted to the other. They allow the other absolute freedom, because they know that if the other leaves, they will be as happy as they are now. Their happiness cannot be taken by the other, because it is not given by the other.”

— Osho, from Being in Love  (via elaborateheist)

[padawanderer]

you’re right

sometimes i give you a look that means “aw you’re cute”

but also sometimes i look at you in a way that means “you’re the most amazing person i’ve ever met and it both freaks me out a little bit and also stuns me with how goddamn lucky i am”

so there’s that

[padawanderer]

holidays

i’m feeling melancholy in a lonely kind of way and i don’t know who i can really talk to about it.

it’s not that i don’t have anyone, because i do and they would be happy to listen and comfort and give advice. it’s just that i don’t know if i feel like any of them are particularly suitable. not sure if i’m being picky. i’m definitely grateful that i have these lovely people in my life. but for this situation? it just doesn’t feel right right now.

i could talk to the group chat? but they’re a bit unreliable in responding and it might be slow especially since it’s Friday night. on the other hand, they might all jump in immediately and they’re all very validating. but i do sort of already know what they might say. i don’t know, i feel like i need a fresh perspective on this.

i could talk to CCK and he would be lovely and comforting and envelope me in his physical and emotional warmth. he also is fairly new to my life but has heard a bit of what’s going on and provides a wonderful ear. idk. i don’t want to be a downer. i know, yes, i am not a burden on anyone. but still. i may end up confiding in him later tonight.

i could talk to my brother, but he’s already at home. he’s the one person who i feel could really relate to what i’m thinking. siblings, ftw. but i also know he’s also struggling with so much already, and especially since he’s the one who literally has to be dealing with all of it right now in person anyway. i don’t want to add to his weight. he may have insight with his years of experience and wisdom, as he always has throughout my years of conflict. but it’s always so depressing when we’re commiserating. depressing but validating. at least and at the end of all things we’ll have each other.

i’m so hungry that i’m nauseous, but i feel too blue to make/get food. is that where the term depression meal comes from? i think i might just go get soup or something.

[padawanderer]

Stefie Reads

[padawanderer]

[padawanderer]

[padawanderer]

umm

i want to co-putter forever, a mixture of watching you tinker in the kitchen, admiring your body and your profile and your posture as you cook or play games or watch something, throw popcorn at each other's mouths, sneak a kiss, hug from behind and snuggle into your arms, make out against the wall, drunkenly laugh, try foods and muse about how they taste and feel and also make us feel, go to and into and around places, discuss plans and design and our stories, well, your stories really, marvel in your thoughts and bask in the amazement that is YOU you wonderful phenomenal uniquely magnificent human being

[padawanderer]

!!!!! this is my dream

[padawanderer]

why have you been feeling anxious/frustrated/upset/like crying/dull/lost?

[padawanderer]

[padawanderer]

push yourself to get up before the rest of the world - start with 7am, then 6am, then 5:30am. go to the nearest hill with a big coat and a scarf and watch the sun rise.

push yourself to fall asleep earlier - start with 11pm, then 10pm, then 9pm. wake up in the morning feeling re-energized and comfortable.

get into the habit of cooking yourself a beautiful breakfast. fry tomatoes and mushrooms in real butter and garlic, fry an egg, slice up a fresh avocado and squirt way too much lemon on it. sit and eat it and do nothing else.

stretch. start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can, then trying to touch your toes. roll your head. stretch your fingers. stretch everything.

buy a 1L water bottle. start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice.

buy a beautiful diary and a beautiful black pen. write down everything you do, including dinner dates, appointments, assignments, coffees, what you need to do that day. no detail is too small.

strip your bed of your sheets and empty your underwear draw into the washing machine. put a massive scoop of scented fabric softener in there and wash. make your bed in full.

organise your room. fold all your clothes (and bag what you don’t want), clean your mirror, your laptop, vacuum the floor. light a beautiful candle.

have a luxurious shower with your favourite music playing. wash your hair, scrub your body, brush your teeth. lather your whole body in moisturiser, get familiar with the part between your toes, your inner thighs, the back of your neck.

push yourself to go for a walk. take your headphones, go to the beach and walk. smile at strangers walking the other way and be surprised how many smile back. bring your dog and observe the dog’s behaviour. realise you can learn from your dog.

message old friends with personal jokes. reminisce. suggest a catch up soon, even if you don’t follow through. push yourself to follow through.

think long and hard about what interests you. crime? sex? boarding school? long-forgotten romance etiquette? find a book about it and read it. there is a book about literally everything.

become the person you would ideally fall in love with. let cars merge into your lane when driving. pay double for parking tickets and leave a second one in the machine. stick your tongue out at babies. compliment people on their cute clothes. challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. then two. then a week. walk with a straight posture. look people in the eye. ask people about their story. talk to acquaintances so they become friends.

lie in the sunshine. daydream about the life you would lead if failure wasn’t a thing. open your eyes. take small steps to make it happen for you.