painwillmakemestronger - Tumblr blog

painwillmakemestronger · 2 months ago

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Anyone else having a complete existential breakdown about how fucking alone they are & how much they have to fight themselves every fucking minute of every fucking day? How they clawed & fought their way over the past 3 years to get better - which they have! - only to still be painfully, achingly alone?

How they know what to do to keep getting better - to eventually not be alone but it means fighting against themselves even harder than they are now? That it'll still probably take years of fighting to get there? Years of fighting that they just don't have in them anymore? How it feels like they won't make it there?

How they know that the alternative is to stop fighting & never do anything again in their life? To sink into this deep, dark hole of agonising loneliness?

How they are completely exhausted & depleted & just have fucking nothing left to give?!

How they're just fucking tired & bored? How it feels too easy to just give up? How they know that giving up isn't an option?

How there is no way out.

#alone with my thoughts #feeling alone #screaming into the void

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painwillmakemestronger · 10 months ago

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I waited 365 days to post this

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painwillmakemestronger · 1 year ago

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I'm out here getting emotional about two older people who love each other so quietly and so fiercely that they can't let go of one another-- won't let go of one another-- even in the throes of a civil war, even as the walls of despair close in and the aching maw of hopelessness swallows them whole.

Yes I'm talking about THEM. ✨️Battlestar Galactica's Best Love Story✨️. Spaceparents. It's them. It's always them. It always comes back to them.

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painwillmakemestronger · 1 year ago

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David Tennant and Michael Sheen at the BAFTA 2020 presenting the award for Best Mini Serie. They did it Staged style 😍

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painwillmakemestronger · 2 years ago

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mary mcdonnell

reblog if you agree

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painwillmakemestronger · 2 years ago

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Dear friends and followers. My apologies for posting it on the fandom tags. I did it simply because many of you know me from there. Ever since I joined this site back in 2011, I have created countless content, stories, and graphics that you have enjoyed. Now, I am in need of your urgent help. Unfortunately, due to complications during my pregnancy, I've encountered monetary difficulties and am seeking financial assistance.

I've set up a campaign to help manage some unforeseen expenses. If you're in a position to contribute or simply reblog this post and/or share the link, I'd be deeply appreciative. Check out the details in the link.

Much love,

M.

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painwillmakemestronger · 2 years ago

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Goodnight Sweetheart

Goodnight Sweetheart,

Well, it's time to go.

Goodnight Sweetheart,

Well it's time to go.

I hate to leave you, but I really must say,

Goodnight Sweetheart, Goodnight.

----

So, it's been a bit of a week...

During my introspective analysis just before bed, disecting my personality, traits & entire life, I had a lightbulb moment. I finally figured out what trigger my intense episode last Sunday & Monday. I had completely forgotten it until just now as I was trying to sleep. I had just finished having my own personal, intense therapy session with myself in my head - over 1 hour in, when I finally decide to turn over and actually try to sleep. Then, out of nowhere, this song pops into my head. 'Goodnight Sweethear, well it's time to go... , And like a lightning strike of clarity I realize where that song came from. Last Saturday night I was having a movie night: Clue & Three Men & a Baby. Obviously I had decided on old school comedies to soundtrack my little pamper session (both solid movies by the way). During Three Men and a Baby, there's this one scene where little Mary can't sleep. So, there in their pjs, Ted Danson, Tom Selleck & Steve Guttenburg start an acapella rendition of Goodnight Sweetheart (it's Time to Go) by The Platters. Just another cutesy scene of many in this movie to make your hormones go 'Awww...'. Well, I had a different reaction. All of sudden I was thrust back in the early 2000s, in my first childhood bedroom just going off to sleep. I can remember everything. I remember there was a party going on downstairs - I could still hear the adults chatting & laughing. It was dark, but the hallway light was coming through the half closed door. Dark enough to send a small child to sleep, but still light enough to make out every detail of my father's face (my biological father) sat on the edge of my bed, singing. And as clear as if I was sat in that bed myself now, I hear a voice softly singing 'Goodnight Swetheart, well it's time to go...'. My father's voice singing me to sleep with one of the two songs he always used to sing to me. Even writing this now, I can hear his voice so vividly.

The other song he used to sing (Close to You by The Carpenters) always provokes an intense, volatile emotional reaction in me. I've always hated that song since as long as I can remember because he used to sing it to me. But this one? This one caught me off guard. I had forgotten this memory, this song. And here it is, in some classic light-hearted comedy movie, with 3 paternal father-figures singing their little girl to sleep because they loved her so much. Well, there goes my pamper night. Fuck this one hurt. I could feel the reaction bubbling up in me - a fierce mix of anger, grief & tears. But, as per usual, I decided to ignore it and before I knew it the scene was over - I could go back to my feel-good comedy night & ignoring my emotions. I finished the film (7/10 - would recommend, in case you're wondering), finished painting my nails & went to bed - the song completely wiped from my mind.

Fast forward to Sunday morning. I wake up feeling off, feeling numb. I go through the day in a bit of a haze - feeling untethered, restless & lonely. I had arranged to go to the cinema with a couple of friends I hadn't seen in a while that evening. Getting ready for the cinema felt like I was moving through quicksand. The numb feeling was cutting off the world around me & weighing me down. Weirdly, I decided to put some make-up - I never do this for a simple cinema trip. Could never be bothered putting that much effort in to sit in a dark room for a few hours ignoring all the people around me. However, this time I felt like I needed something extra. I've always understood why people get glammed up just for leaving the house - it's their armour. Something that makes them feel a little more confident, stand a little straighter & face the day. I understand it, but that Sunday evening was the first time I got it. As the make-up went on, I felt the armour go up. Armour that could help hide my sadness and numbing pain from everyone else - particularly my friends. I'm like a wounded animal, I prefer to go off to hide in some dark corner to lick my wounds than ever ask for help. I feel weak and like a burden otherwise. Anyway, I always feel better after a cinema trip with friends - it'll be over soon. Especially with this movie.

The Barbie Movie - just a pink, glitter-filled giggle right? Wrong. So very, very wrong. Don't get me wrong, it's a weird, wacky film about a doll - it's mostly a bit of fun. But my god, they didn't hold back in the emotional moments. It's very, very rare a film gets me crying (particularly in public) but I was fighting for my life by the end of this movie. So much so that I went home with crescent shaped cuts all over my palms (a bit of physical pain always help banish the emotional pain). There's this moment about halfway through - she's sitting on a bus stop bench just looking. Looking at the world around her - seeing the human experience for the first time. She realizes just how beautiful life is - how beautiful it is to even exist. How complicated, how painful but how joyful it is. Something I've never been able to see or believe.

At the end of the film, she's walking with her creator, asking for permission to be human. Such an emotional scene and then the music kicks in (Billie Eilish of course) as she becomes human - every thing she wanted. You're meant to feel joy, be happy for her - it's so beautiful to be human. I don't have that. I have this overwhelming feeling of sadness & loss. This grief for something I never had. I've never felt this joy in being alive, never felt the beauty in it. I wanted to be her. In this one moment, I wanted to feel what she felt because it felt so foreign to me. It hurt.

The film finished, the lights came up, reality kicked in again. I shook it off. Chatted to my friends about how weird it was, how emotional, how we wanted to see it again. I said goodbye, drove home and... cried. Cried about how I couldn't feel the joy, just the pain. Again, went to bed feeling empty & lost.

Monday morning came and the numb feeling had escalated into full disconnect. It felt like I was underwater. I went downstairs & zoned out in front of the TV until I had to start work. I swear, I only had one message from my programmer when I signed on (not unusual at all - actually pretty good). But that one normal message, plus the idea of chairing a meeting later that afternoon, just broke me. That's the only way I can describe it. I broke. Something snapped - it was like I had finally broke the surface for air but the air was poison. Reality came flooding back, every sense woke back up &the world connected again. But with it, came every possible emotion - every thing that had been numbed hit me like a truck and I couldn't breathe. It was too much, resulting in a 3 hour long anxiety attack (fun!). I couldn't function for the whole day. I don't allow myself a mental health often. Normally because work is the cause & running away would only make it worse. However, this episode was so bad that I just couldn't reply to that simple message. Honestly, one of the worse episodes I've had for years. So I took the day off. Went for dinner with a friend, slept on it & woke up nearly back to normal the next day. When speaking about it a few days later, I couldn't for the life of me work out what had caused it.

And then bam! 5 days later, lying bed just as I turn off to finally go to sleep, that damn song pops back up again. 'Goodnight Swetheart, well it's time to go...'. Suddenly, it all makes sense. That bloody episode was caused by that song - by Martyn! It always comes back to Martyn! That song, that initial memory flashback & ignoring of feelings was the cause of my episode. I hate admitting it but because I ran from my feelings on Saturday night & again on Sunday my Monday was a complete mess. Why? Why does hearing that one song hurt so damn much?! Why is it so vivid and why is my reaction so intense? I think I figured it out. I think... (for fuck's sake I'm actually going to admit it) I think I miss it. When I focus on that memory of my father sat on the edge of my bed singing me to sleep as a child, I feel safe. I feel loved. I feel grief. I feel like I've lost something & it's not coming back. Everytime I hear those songs, without fail & with no control, I cry - it's a full visceral reaction. And I think it's because I lost that safety. Those are the only memories I have of him where I ever felt the slightest bit safe & loved & wanted. Why are these the only memories I have? Why couldn't my childhood have been more of that? But I think the main reason why it hurts so much to remember is... I loved him. In those moments he was simply my father & I loved him. I loved him so much and all he did was hurt me. He hurt me. I've never actually said that before (out loud or even in my own head) - I loved him. I think there's still a part of me that does.

Because, despite everything that happened, all he put me through, because of those precious memories... I love him. And he hurt me.

#journal #therapy #2am thoughts #I'm just vomiting words now #things to get off my chest so i can sleep #personal

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painwillmakemestronger · 3 years ago

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painwillmakemestronger · 3 years ago

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