pan-akos - Tumblr blog

[pan-akos]

Hi, I’m hypocrite and think I’m special. I think that everyone’s problems, mental illnesses and traumas are valid, except for my own. I think everyone deserves help, except for me. I think anyone should be treated judgement free and with respect, except me. And I believe everyone has this amazing, eye blinding light in themselves, except for myself. I’m such a self centered person believing that I’m special.

[pan-akos]

Time is a parody of reality

[pan-akos]

[pan-akos]

Am I a liar for saying “I’m fine” or are they a liar for asking because they never really cared anyway

Coworker: Hey! How are you?

Me: I’m good! How are you?

Coworker: Oh, I’m fine. How was your night? Do anything interesting?

Me thinking to myself: *When I got home, I started to break down as I began to realize that my life is just an amalgamation of my many failures peppered by the few successes I have. I broke down when I caught myself looking at pictures of her again. I started to see that 14 years of loving the same girl, looking at pictures of her, and remembering glimpses of the few times I’ve seen her is just tearing me apart. I started to really break down when I realized that I am not happy and never have been and probably will never be. I couldn’t look in the mirror because I hated the weight I was gaining even though I have been starving myself. I curled up into a ball and lay on my carpet, tears just flowing, before I picked up my blade again and went to take a shower. I came back forcing myself not to cry again because if I cried before sleeping, I would wake up with puffy eyes, yet again, and everybody would know. I put on sweats and a hoodie because I couldn’t bear to look at my skin, and so I couldn’t get blood anywhere. I pulled the sheets over me praying for the wonderful life that I have. I thanked God for the blessings and I went to bed*

Me: Nah just chores. How about you?

Coworker probably thinking to herself: *I went home to a dark room because there is nobody that loves me to live with me. I ate dinner alone and cried and watched a romantic comedy wishing to painfully that I could be that girl falling in love in a perfect universe. I ate cookie dough straight out the box, knowing full well that I shouldn’t have. I smoked a cigarette even though I promised myself I would quit. I paid a few bills with money I do not have. I talked to my little sister and she told me how much she loves college and about the new guy she met. I wished so desperately that I could be as young and pretty and as confident as she is. I told her I loved her, and she told me she was going to come see me soon. She’s been making that promise for a few months now. I told her not to worry about me and to focus on her studies. She hung up and I sat down on the floor and cried some more. I couldn’t tell you why if you asked. I went to bed and woke up with puffy eyes and quickly put on makeup to cover them up. I plastered a smile on my face and turned off the lights as I left my apartment*

Coworker: No just the same old… well have a good day!

Me: You too!

*And we both walked away content at the painfully forced interaction, happy that we even made the effort*

[pan-akos]

““So,” said my friend over a cup of coffee, “what is it about her?” I blinked at the sudden question, and thoughts of her began to flood my mind. Was it her smile, or the way she would sneeze like a little hamster? Was it her compassion, or the sound of her laughter? “Well?” The question alone was enough to break me out of my reverie. “A lot of things but most of all,” I finally gave my answer, “She helps me to catch my breath.””

— Lukas W. // Forgotten Words #217 // Her (via somepiecesofmyheartandsoul)

[pan-akos]

It was Sunday and I wanted to scoop her into my mouth with my bare hands, drag her to my lips, get drunk in her. It was Sunday and when she laughed like that I wanted to snatch the sound out of the air and paint myself with it, wanted to tattoo it on a city block, wanted to paste it into my palms for Bible readings. it was Sunday, day of rest, Lord’s day, and good Lord, but did she make a heaven from a bed.

[pan-akos]

i wanna get drunk and watch harry potter with you in big comfy pajamas, nestled against your body. i want to discuss with you the fact movie ron is nothing like book ron while we plan a trip to harry potter world that we’ll never go on. 

i want to make cookies with you at two in the morning while we listen to ted talks or beyonce or a podcast we’re both really into. dancing with you in our socks, trying to perfect our down-hallway slide. 

it’s okay that love is sometimes work. people often write about the big moments, about the proposals or the first kiss. but i want the moments in between, too. the quiet of early mornings while we’re both still waking up. quietly bringing me tea just because you know i’d like it without asking. being able to make you art endlessly. 

it’ll be beautiful because it’s ours.

[pan-akos]

I imagine us in bed late at night, snow falling outside our window as we huddle deeper into each other’s arms under the blankets. Soft kisses, quiet conversation. Everything is perfect.

[pan-akos]

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[pan-akos]

tfw ur suddenly hit by the fact that you are so unlovable and no one has ever liked you and you always always get abandoned no matter how hard you try to prevent it

[pan-akos]

took it personally because I never would’ve done it to you

[pan-akos]

[pan-akos]

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[pan-akos]

“What I wanted to do was to write until I stopped hurting. But it didn’t work. I didn’t stop hurting. For once, no matter how much I wrote it didn’t stop hurting.”

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