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I've Cursed The Gloom That Set Upon Us (But I Know That I Love You So)

Finally, I'm posting my Destiel comic! This took me months of work. Here went weeks and weeks of doing nothing but drawing, holed up in my room, no lights, no music, just sad Destiel. I really love those two, Cas and Dean really changed my life and helped me through really tough times, so I'm glad I finally did something to return my love and gratitude 💚💙💚💙.

Please don't repost my art. Reblogs are great though! <3

(Here I also have the link to my post on AO3.)

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even when i had nothing i had supernatural and that’s the problem

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Nice Dream

(The song is (Nice Dream) by Radiohead <3)

Another scene from my comic! It's posted on Ao3, but I'll upload it here later, too, for better image quality. ^^

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i need to ask dean winchester wtf bert and ernie have to do with any of this

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Cas planting forget-me-nots.

(This is a panel from my Destiel comic.) ^^

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But It's So Hard To Stay When I Have So Much To Say (And You're So Far Away)

The windows were fully open, the breeze was soft and warm, but Dean couldn’t feel it. The sky was clear, and birds were singing in the distance, but Dean didn't hear them. He doesn't even remember how he got to the car. He's also not quite sure where he's going. Far away, he supposes. Right now, he wants to get as far away as possible. The problem is that no matter how hard he tries, he can't really escape himself. He can't get away from the hole that grows ever wider in his chest when he remembers that Cas's trench coat is folded inside the glove box. He can't escape this pain, this emptiness, this immense sense of absence that chokes his throat, that makes him want to lock himself away somewhere and never come out again. This sadness is so deep that it doesn't even let him shed his tears.

Dean doesn't register how much time passes until he finally parks the car. He finds himself in front of a meadow of overgrown grass. There's a small, abandoned windmill in the distance, its blades almost completely ruined by the passage of time.

Instinctively, with movements memorized by years of incessant repetition, Dean opens the trunk. He stops there for a moment, his eyes focused solely on the small cloth bag resting at its side. With something akin to reverence, he takes it in his hands, bringing it close to his chest, as if by doing so he will fill the emptiness in his heart again.

As he begins to walk through the grass, he notices that there are also small, colorful flowers hidden in the turf. He registers various shades; most are yellow, others white, but there are some blue ones. Blue like the sky above him, blue like Cas's eyes.

Eventually, after walking a bit through the field, Dean finds a higher spot, where the grass isn't as tall and the flowers blossom better. Without much ceremony, he sits down with the bag placed carefully on his lap. He closes his eyes and forces himself to breathe deeply, in and out.

"It's nice here, peaceful." He starts softly. "I think you'd like it."

Silence falls, and again, Dean doesn't know how much time passes.

"Sam said we should keep you somewhere." He lets out a small chuckle as he shakes his head. "I considered it for a moment, you know."

“I mean, it’s the only thing that I’ve left of you. Besides that damn coat, anyway.” He tries to laugh again, now the sound comes more like a choked, ragged breath.

"I-I- couldn't, Cas... I can't. I’d go insane." The silence around him was making it impossible to breathe.

“ ‘Cause I know it’s not you. Not really. Like, yeah, it’s your body, but it’s not you. You’re not here anymore.” As he talked, he clutched the bag closer to him. “And- I don’t know… it feels selfish to just keep you stored in the trunk forever or something.”

“I just… I wanna make it good, you know. At least… take you somewhere I feel you could… rest. Somewhere where you feel free, somewhere beautiful.” He could feel his throat closing up. A knot tightened in his chest.

“It’s too fucking late, and I know. I’m sorry, Cas. I wish- I just-” He can’t say it. Never could when it mattered, and still can’t. Those words left forever unspoken between them would weigh heavily in his heart, and he couldn’t do anything about it.

Once again, the birdsong is the only sound left.

☀︎☀︎☀︎

He stayed there for some time, hours or days, he couldn’t tell. The soft breeze ruffled his hair, and at some point, he just lay there between the wildflowers, closing his eyes and holding the ashes close. He can’t recall at what point he fell asleep.

He woke up eventually and found himself now lying on his side, curled up around Cas. What was left of him. The sky now painted the field in pink and orange hues. Dean allowed himself to stay for an instant longer, again taking deep breaths.

He stood up at last, there were leaves and twigs all over him, a distant part of his mind told him that at least he would take with him a bit of the ground where Castiel would stay. Dean looked at the bag one last time, and he almost felt his eyes start to water, but there were still no tears.

“Bye, Cas.” He whispered.

As he emptied the bag, the ashes flew with the gentle wind, and Dean felt his heart swell.

☀︎☀︎☀︎

For the next weeks, he heard birds sing in the distance whenever he felt particularly down. And saw blue flowers on the back of his eyelids as he drank himself to sleep.

Link for my AO3 post:

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destiel lake house ending real

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It's really the unseen that gets you in destiel. First time you see them meet is NOT the first time. Camera panning out to leave them staring at each other in an alley. Prayer every night in purgatory but you don't hear it. Heaven Can't Wait fanfic gap. Everyone knowing so much about Cas but you never see Dean talk about him. Cas' phone screen blown up with calls&texts you can't read. Mentioning the Tombstone watch in the Dean cave that only Cas knows about. Gossiping offscreen about the cardigan. etc

The excruciatingly long stretches of looking at Dean raking leaves, carrying the trenchcoat from car to car. Of waiting for the other to come back from the heavenly war, from captivity. Man, they had so much. So much domesticity, so much yearning, longing to be in contact, to just be with each other, to be safe. To love.