pararecovery

[pararecovery]

Tips for Coping with Paraphilic Disorders

I wrote this for anyone who needs help coping with sexual thoughts/feelings/urges that bring them distress or harm. If you don't know what paraphilias or paraphilic disorders are, you can learn about that on this other post!

I'm not a professional, just a person with who has a paraphilic disorder. I made this drawing from my own experiences and therapy. I hope it helps you even a tiny bit. 🫂

🧡 First off, I want to say that having a paraphilic disorder does NOT make you a bad person. Your thoughts and feelings =/= your actions! You cannot control that you get feelings, but you can control what you do about them. The fact that you're looking at this list means you're already making positive steps!

💙 Trying to stop yourself from thinking/feeling a certain way tends to make you think/feel it more. The best thing you can do for yourself when having distressing thoughts/feelings is to try to acknowledge that you're having them without any shame or judgement. I know that can be easier said than done. Practicing with nicer thoughts/feelings first can help!

🧡 Please talk to someone. It's so important to have someone who can listen to you without judgement and provide support. If you don't have anyone to talk to, my inbox is always open!

💙 When you're fantasizing in a way you don't want to, try changing just one thing about the fantasy. It's okay if it's only a small change, like changing the color of someone's hair. Just try to make steps towards creating a less distressing fantasy. It'll get easier over time to create more changes. Sometimes your fantasy will return to how it was originally and that's okay. Any effort you make is progress.

🧡Add a new ending to your fantasies. Add in an aftercare scene where it turns out everything was a consensual roleplay, or the characters turn out to have shapeshifting or healing powers, or a director yells "CUT!" to reveal that it was all actors doing a scene.

💙 An exercise I've done when distressed by a paraphilia is to imagine the object of my arousal as something I am protecting, instead. Imagine yourself defending them from harm and sending them away to a safer place.

🧡 If you're concerned about the kind of porn you're looking at, try to walk yourself back to porn that's more clearly fantasy or roleplay. For example, if you're reading stories about rape, try stories about CNC instead. Try animations instead of live action, or fiction/art instead of videos.

💙 Look into grounding techniques and intrusive thought management skills to see if any of them work for you. They can be incredibly helpful.

🧡 Self harm doesn't look like just one thing. It can go hand-and-hand with paraphilic disorder. Some examples could be masturbating to the point of hurting yourself, unsafe solo or partnered play, and looking at porn that emotionally harms you. Please look into safe alternatives to self harm and also learn about HARM MINIMIZATION!

💙 If you're in any friend groups or communities that talk about paraphilias, please make sure that they're healthy for you and not encouraging you to harm yourself or others. Here's a tool for evaluating how toxic a group is. Here's also a guide on protecting yourself from online harassment.

🧡 I cannot stress enough how important it is to educate yourself on healthy boundaries & consent -- even if you think you already know everything! Here's a great guide to start with. Also, if you have any interest in having kinky sex, PLEASE read The New Topping Book or The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy. They are essential.

💙 Lastly, a few extra resources:

Suicide Hotlines & Crisis Helplines

Get Self Help - free self help resources

Therapy Worksheets - free self help worksheets

Online Communities for Survivors - support for SA survivors

Stop It Now UK / Stop It Now USA - preventing CSA

[pararecovery]

u can have a feeling and not act on it. howEVER, and this is the fucked up part, u do have to still feel it. like there's things you can do to help urself stay stable while feeling it but it's gotta go through you somehow. it's messed up I know

[pararecovery]

Reminder. If someone can't express that they're Risk Aware AND consenting-

Then you can't have sex with them.

Even if they're "making move on you" or are expressing interest in sex.

Even if they can nod, or say yes.

Showing sexual interest isn't all there is to consent.

Can they express in their own words about the risks of the action?

Are they sober at the time of giving consent?

Are you on equal levels at the time of consent? Or is there already a power imbalance? (Such as being someone's boss, or teacher, etc)

Will they be in a position where they can safely withdraw consent at any time? Such as a Safe Word?

And so much more.

And remember, if someone tells you that one or all of these questions "don't matter" THEN RUN. Cause they don't have your safety and best interests at heart.

Stay safe. Have fun 🩷

[pararecovery]

PSA: erections don't equal consent

ERECTIONS DON'T EQUAL CONSENT

[pararecovery]

Repeat after me: kink is not a "gateway" to committing a crime.

[pararecovery]

Sex ed should start in kindergarten. Young children need to know the correct terms for body parts, and be comfortable talking about them, for their safety. Children should also learn about consent, especially with regards to touching, as early as possible. Children should know that it is not ok for other people to touch them, or for them to touch others, if they don't want it. Children should know how to ask for help if someone does touch them inappropriately or if they have some kind of health issue regarding their genitals. Knowing about your own body and how it works is a fundamental right.

[pararecovery]

Paraphilia Information

Paraphilia vs. Paraphilic Disorder

Paraphilias are “intense or persistent sexual interests” in things that aren’t vanilla sex between consenting people [1]. This can include anything from bondage, to spanking, to feet, to abusive acts like rape and beastiality. While some people with paraphilias seek these things out in real life or in porn, it can also mean they just fantasize about it or roleplay it [1].

There isn’t actually a general consensus on what the difference between paraphilias, kinks, and fetishes are. Although, I’ve heard some people say that paraphilias involve more of a “psychological dependence” [2]. If you have an occasional or mild interest in non-vanilla sex, it’s probably not a paraphilia! In fact, occasional or mild interests in these things are quite common [2].

Paraphilic disorders, on the other hand, are a category of mental health disorders. Someone with a paraphilic disorder has a paraphilia (or several) that do at least one of the following:

Causes them extreme distress.

Causes them extreme impairment / dysfunction in their life.

Puts themself or others in danger.

Common Myths About Paraphilias

Myth #1. Paraphilias are always a disorder.

Paraphilias are not inherently distressing, impairing, or harmful. Not everyone with a paraphilia has a paraphilic disorder, and “a paraphilia by itself does not necessarily justify or require clinical intervention" [1].

Myth #2. Paraphilias can/can’t be changed.

There is a lot of nuance to this myth that is often lost. People with paraphilias will likely always be aroused by their paraphilia, regardless if they want this or not [2]. That being said, sexual interests can naturally shift in intensity and persistence over time [1][2]. It’s entirely possible for a paraphilia to wane until it’s no longer intense/persistent enough to be considered a paraphilia. Furthermore, any distress, impairment, or harmful behaviors associated with a paraphilia can be treated with the right resources and support [2]. Recovery from paraphilic disorder is always possible!

Myth #3. Sexual violence happens due to paraphilias.

Sexual violence is not about sexual interest. Many sex offenders have zero sexual interest in their victims. For example, the majority of men who sexually abuse other men actually identify as heterosexual [6]. Sexual interest can play a part in abuse, but it is never the sole motivator [3][4][5][6]. The desire for power and control, as well as having discriminatory beliefs (like transphobia, homophobia, sexism, racism, etc.), are the key motivators of sexual violence [3][4][5][6].

Myth #4. Having a paraphilia means that you condone or romanticize abuse.

People cannot control what arouses them. Arousal is a physiological reaction, not a choice. Paraphilias are not a choice. Someone’s thoughts and feelings will not tell you who they are as a person or the choices they will make. Just because some people have paraphilias involving abuse does not mean they will condone or romanticize real life abuse.

Myth #5. People with paraphilias are just abusers waiting to strike.

Once again, someone’s thoughts and feelings do not indicate who they are as a person or the choices they will make. Abuse is also not mediated by sexual interest. Many perpetrators of sexual abuse have zero sexual interest in their victims. Although there is not a single agreed upon cause of paraphilias, many researchers theorize that they are influenced by childhood experiences [1][2]. This is why many people with abuse-related paraphilias are abuse survivors, themselves. Please understand that abuse survivors are actually way more likely to be the victims of crimes than to be the perpetrators [7][8]. This is a particularly insidious myth because it misleads people on the actual signs of abuse. It also creates more stigma around an already heavily-stigmatized topic. Many people with paraphilic disorder are afraid to seek help due to the stigma. In cases where someone really is in danger of harming themself or others, myths like this can make them even less likely to seek help that can prevent abuse.

Sources

[1] Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders | Psychiatry Online [2] Paraphilias | Psychology Today [3] Debunking Popular Misconceptions About CSA | AASAS [4] Debunking Popular Misconceptions About SV | AASAS [5] What motivates sexual abusers of children? A qualitative examination of the Spiral of Sexual Abuse | ScienceDirect [6] Debunking Popular Misconceptions About Men and SV | AASAS [7] Child sex abuse survivors are five times more likely to be the victims of sexual assault later in life | The Conversation [8] Childhood abuse victims don’t always grow up to be abusers | Ars Technica

Dividers on this post were created by @/adornedwithlight!

[pararecovery]

I want to confess something. I used to be one of those people who said stuff like “all MAPs should die.” I was angry and hurting as a survivor. But it wasn't okay. I regret it.

Having an attraction does not mean someone will act on that attraction. It doesn't mean they even have urges to do so. Not everyone who sexually abuses children has an attraction to them, either. In fact, the majority don't. It happens, but abuse hinges more on power than it does on sexual interest.

Yet, most people hear the term "MAP" and immediately think of offenders. They think that people who haven't offended will inevitably try to. I used to think that, too.

But it's wrong.

This is the kind of stigma that makes it harder for people with paraphilias to seek help when they need it. It quite literally interferes with abuse prevention. There are people out there who acknowledge that their attractions can never be acted on, who have not and would never dream of harming anyone, who literally cannot help the feelings they have. And it's normalized to tell them they are a lost cause...that there's no hope for them...that they're going to abuse someone sooner or later...that they might as well just die. That's a terrible sentiment. And, unfortunately, for some people who already plan to abuse someone, that's just the push they need to offend.

No one deserves to have death wished upon them. Period. I wish it didn't take me developing a paraphilic disorder myself in order to see how horrible my past behavior was. I really hope that others can learn from my mistake. We should advocate against abuse without stigmatizing non-abusers.

[pararecovery]

To anyone who sees this, I wish you warm fuzzy blankets and your preferred choice of milk or tea. Now go sleep sleep!!

[pararecovery]

The idea that abuse survivors end up becoming abusers is an unscientific, stigmatizing myth. The majority of us do NOT become abusers. And yes this also applies to survivors who have kinks or paraphilias related to their trauma!

[pararecovery]

Consent = F.R.I.E.S.🍟

Consent! What is it and what does it look like? There are many aspects to giving consent, it's not just about saying "yes", so why not use the acronym 'FRIES' to remind yourself of all the things to consider when giving or asking for consent.

F - Consent is Freely given: you should never pressure, coerce or force someone into saying yes to something, this is not consent. You must respect when someone says no. You should feel confident and happy when you consent to any activity with your partner(s).

R - Consent is reversible: it is okay to consent to something and then change your mind, if you're not comfortable, say so and ask to stop. If your partner changes their mind on something you should respect their choice, and if they are willing, have a conversation about their decision.

I - Consent is informed: you should know what exactly you are consenting to and your partner(s) should too. It's good to discuss specifics beforehand and what you're both comfortable with.

E - Consent is enthusiastic: when someone is giving consent consider their tone and body language. Do they sound happy, upbeat and are they being proactive? Or do they sound hesitant, reluctant or closed-off?

S - Consent is specific: when someone says yes to one activity, it does not mean they consent to other activities. If someone has consented to something in the past, it does not mean that they have consented to doing that activity again in the future, you need renewed consent.

Image & text descriptions in ALT

[pararecovery]

i am so fucking sincere about this.

[pararecovery]

[pararecovery]

If you were hurt by another child in your childhood, I want you to know that you aren’t alone.

If you experienced COCSA (child on child sexual abuse), I’m here for you. If you were bullied by other children, I support you. If another child committed any sort of violence or abuse onto you, I believe you. If it was a family member, a friend, or someone who you trusted a lot, I hear you. If it was complete stranger or someone you didn’t trust at all, I see you.

I understand how incredibly complicated and agonizing it can feel to know you were traumatized by another child, while you were a child. Especially if you hurt them back or were coerced by adults to hurt each other. That shit’s incredibly tough.

But you are not alone. I believe you. Know that recovery is possible and you’re on your way, even if it doesn’t feel like you are. I promise.

[pararecovery]

My heart goes out to trans paraphiles.

You are not a disgrace or making the trans community look bad. The stereotype of the “perverted, predatory transgender” should have never existed in the first place. 

You belong here and are beautiful ♥️

[pararecovery]

Art by @xetaercx

[pararecovery]

When I first started seeking support for paraphilic disorder, some people encouraged me to roleplay my sexual assault with my partner. CNC, basically. And the thing is that this can be helpful for a lot of survivors!!! I've heard a lot of survivors talk about how it feels like regaining control and turning it into something positive. But with paraphilic disorder that arousal is often deeply distressing to you and, for me, that distress would not disappear even if it's just roleplay.

I think if I had forced myself to roleplay it back then, I would've traumatized myself, which is why I'm SO RELIEVED I didn't attempt it. Back then, I had no idea that attempting it could even hurt me.

The wild thing is that none of the people that encouraged me to do this acknowledged this could be a possibility, either. I ended up feeling ashamed for not wanting to roleplay my assault. I treated recovery like it was something so black-and-white, one-size-fits-all. I thought that if I couldn't recover the same way that these people seemed to be recovering, then I might as well be fundamentally broken and unable to recover.

People need to acknowledge that roleplaying is NOT the answer for everybody. It's not always healing. Sometimes it can be the opposite for some people...but that doesn't make it inherently bad! For lots of people, it's incredibly healing and wonderful. But it's okay if it's not for you. And it's also okay if you want to try it but you're not ready yet!

I want to stress to everyone who is newly interested in kink to please please please attend BDSM workshops and talk to elders in the community and at the very least read the topping/bottoming books. I'm shocked that the people who encouraged me to do CNC didn't stress any of the principals of the BDSM community (it's not R.A.C.K. if you're not aware of the risks).

Finally, a message to my past self and anyone going through something similar: You are not broken, your recovery does not need to look like everyone else's, and you are not alone.🫂❤️‍🩹