partingofwinter

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|| Lindel -Lindenbaum Echoes - ||

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if you see me reblogging old kin posts, no you don't /silly I'm just trying to clear out old blogs and make sure I don't lose stuff when I go ahead and delete them to get rid of blogs I don't use

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#And like a fool I went and said I didn't think Wizard Suliman was dead#yes bc i didn't want to believe that my bf got himself killed even though deep down i knew he had. sort of. we all know how that goes#howl.txt

is it gay to be two welsh wizards planting flowers around the Waste in an attempt to defeat evil

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#im not sad rn just kinda like. idk odd bc i'm sleep deprived and its midnight so howl brain says drink but the law says no#also my tastebuds fucking hate anything that's in the house SO THERES THAT TOO#god it was such a bad habit of mine back then though. to go to some bar and get drunk instead of figuring out why i was sad#howl.txt#oh. wait.#alchohol -#not really and like one person follows me but just to be safe

there is one unfortunate side effect to this shift and its that when i do not feel good i feel the need to drink. i have tea instead but

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#been thinkin bout this alll day #dont even know his name #perhaps i'd also like to **** *** ***** *** but thats besides the point. im not saying that on here #i also find it super funny bc i know i didnt realize what i was feeling towards him till i told sophie about it. #thank god for her sometimes #though to be fair there was probably my own fair share of confused welsh muttering during that conversation #howl.txt

should i be doing something productive? yes. am i thinking about the bf i had as howl and how good of a kisser he was? … also yes

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1. i was reading the scene where i come home drunk as hell to my mom bc it asumes. amuses. me and now i’m really feelin it 

2. i think the way the door worked because I do remember coming from wales was that i had no connection to wales after a while. for a while, i-i think at max to when michael first showed up, i had the door black-down lead to wales. i didn’t have family but i could visit. but it was always so bittersweet. so i changed it to some other place around ingary and it just so happened to be the war torn country side where’d i’d be pretty much serving in the war

3. michael and martha (who i keep calling lettie even though its not lettie) did get married. and seeing as michael was pretty much my son and i was the closest thing to a father he had, of course i went as his dad. but. but. the thing is. when it came to the dance where like the groom dances with his mom and then the bride dances with her dad. well martha didn’t have  a dad and michael didn’t have a mom so. fanny danced with michael, and it was an awkward but sweet scene. and then i danced with martha, which was also a bit awkward at first but much nicer because i was there. 

4. i was a whole 10 years older than sophie not 9

5. i got a boyfriend at some point as i have mentioned before. this was after me and sophie broke up and she got a girlfriend and then i was very much in despair about the fact that she was getting some and i couldn’t get jack shit those days. but one day, being all sad as one is when you are howl, i went to the bar and got like. half drunk. not as drunk as a i could have been. but definitely intoxicated. and as usual , because i did not give up attempting to what. court. pretty people i saw on the streets. i did so when i saw a man, roughly about my age, with such beautiful dark eyes and very short dark hair. and in some miracle he said he /would/ come back to the castle and so i took him there and luckily sophie and whatshername were asleep so i snuck him up to my room and we. we fell asleep. and he had the /gall/ to kiss me on the cheek to say good morning even though we hadn’t done anything that night and oh god my heart beat faster than i thought it ever could. i didn’t know what was going on but god dammit i fell for him so quickly. wouldn’t have realized it without sophie though 

6. uh. uh. what else do i need to put. on the page uh i didn’t have family in wales i was an only child as far as i knew and i don’t remember ever meeting my parents so i can only assume i was an orphan. so wales was… i loved it there. but it certainly did not love me 

7.OH YEAH THERE WAS A TIME where i was just. sitting in front of calcifer. either soon before michael or just after. can’t quite remember. but i was sipping tea and we were singing sosban fach together and it was such a nice little moment. definitely tried to teach michael it (he couldn’t pick up the welsh properly) and also the bf (who was a little better but still couldn’t pick up the welsh which was a shame)

okok i gotta get this out somewhere cause i know i’m not gonna remember to update my mems page tonight

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it really does not help that im able to say some of the lines in the sub while watching cause it just. it ust. it hurts so much knowing that mitsuba forgot me and im trying so hard to not cry about it at the current moment i,, 

also realllly doesn’t help that when i actually try to meditate for tarot ill start remembering things, like they flash before my eyes, and i. i remember reaching out for him. i. i get the feeling the fabric of his clothes had changed which is such a weird thing to remember but… like he shouldnt have fabric he’s a ghost BUT STILL  just knowing he forgot me from before just…. i want to try and channel it into wanting to fight tsukasa but i honest to god can’t. not now. it was hard to do back then, and its not like i could have talked to teru about any of this, no matter how good of a listener my older brother was… and i wouldn’t have wanted to bother nene either.. the music is just barely helping im so close to crying and i know i could make myself do so but i . i shouldnt. i have things to do and i should really get to them. but i needed to get this out bc it’s getting to me a lot more than i thought it would,, 

im listening to tiktok music and its making me feel better but 

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re: my last post , IGNORING MY KIJA MOMENT FOR A DAMN SECOND that totally did happen . i wouldn't think about it every couple months if it didn't . why are the only two things i remember that and being friends with zhongli

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sensitive hearing

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Thinks about how I could totally write out my own history/backstory/childhood as fyodor bc even if it's probably wildly noncanon and my ability was much simpler than it'll ever be in Canon I think it's really interesting too. And maybe someone would read it? Especially if I could write it out as a fic?

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first mem for a source and i cant place who it is and im dying to know why i even know it in the FIRST PLACE

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when u accidentally shift a kin but that kin only has one mem so now you just get that mem on loop instead of anything new 😭😭

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editing my rentry vs not knowing what my high kins actually are aside from my current shift vs my brain making me think about a bad kin mem on loop

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idk WHAT kind of relationship me and jon had at all but i do think its a little funny that even now hearing his voice calms me down . sometimes it feels a bit weird without him around, admittedly. sometimes it feels like he should still have my sight and my hand and i should still be able to hear him but i cant so i long for it. its a blessing that he’s part of my partner system but . waaaaaaaah

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tw violence, strangulation, death

really it hurts getting such flashbacks of how i got killed by my own fucking brother. all because i stayed in contact with my gf? like that's what i was killed over, bc i didn't stop talking to her and had a child whos life i was never even able to be in because of the plan i just wanted to stop. i know he was mad because i went back on my word again, i left him and then i kept secrets from him, but why did you wrap your hand around my throat and stab me after too? please we could have let everyone live and gotten back home and it all would've been fine but you had to put an end it to it...

i hope that kid is ok. i think i had a daughter? i hope evelyn was ok after i left for good because if i hung around too much i would've been found out and even hundreds of years later i still missed her and i could never forgive myself for turning my back on her too. i was glad to have my brother back but.... at what cost? we made such discoveries but hurt ourselves so badly in the process and for what. i died because he was jealous of a woman who was dead? of my child who was also gone and never got to know their father?

it really hurts getting stabbed with a knife in the chest

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when your former bf lost the guy he had a crush on and you want to comfort him but your stuck in the body of a 14 year old boy AND he kind of doesn’t trust you anymore ✌✌

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idk how to feel about the fact that i do remember what it felt like to get my revenge. and how it definitely felt good to finally get back at those people after all those years, after my life had been utterly ruined...

but also knowing that i still felt just as empty afterwards.