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Early Twenties Thoughts

For some reason, this time of the year always makes me want to write more. Maybe this is the subconscious telling me that 2016 is almost halfway through and I still haven’t done anything to improve my writing habit. Whatever. I’m done putting pressure upon myself and setting unrealistic goals. I write for a living now so it is a bit hard to force myself to write even more when I get home. 

Anyway  — I turned 23 a month ago and it felt okay for the most part. My thing about being in my early 20s: Too old to be irresponsible (finances, health, relationships); too young to be a professional adult (armed with smart decisions 24/7). 

My greatest fear right now is not being able to turn 30. Don’t get this wrong, I know there is no right age to live life fully, but man, at 30, I’d like to believe I’m already a fancy functioning adult with an improved wine palate. But with the horrors that recently occurred around the world, I have this little fear that nags once in a while saying “there’s a good chance somebody fucks up your country and men sitting behind “important desks” fucks up the economy and you’re just a wee girl from a Third World country so don’t expect anyone to bloody come and save your soul...”

Yeah. Call this paranoia or extreme cynicism, but since the start of this year I’ve continuously pondered about my own mortality. I think of all the beautiful countries I’d like to visit, dark streets on cold, uncaring cities I’d like to explore, and people with unconventional auras I’d want to talk to, and then I catch myself wondering: but what if I don’t get my turn to experience life outside my home country? 

The mentality of “travel now, suffer later” is so popular these days. As much as I’d like to do that, I know that it is not the best move to make. Sure, some people took that road and became successful. Just not sure if I’ll end up like that. Too much is dependent on the privileges you have while growing up. When you have seen the varying levels of freedom brought by varying levels of privileges, you become very calculative of your actions. It was ingrained in you that everything you do today will have consequences in your life tomorrow. And as much as possible, you take very minimal risks, especially in decisions that involve finances. You constantly remind yourself to stay on the safe side but still strive to achieve more than what your parents have given you.

And so much more... and so much more. But right now my main focus is to live a decent life that will give me the possibility of seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, and touching the bareness and bizarreness of the world outside of here. 

Until then, I’ll be busy writing my worries away. Catch me again whenever.

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Lest you forget you’re alone in figuring things out. One thing at a time. 

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Now all you can do is wait. It must be hard for you, but there is a right time for everything. Like the ebb and flow of tides. No one can do anything to change them. When it is time to wait, you must wait.

Haruki Murakami (via quotemadness)

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Happy may with a flower crown chibird. <3

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I think everything in life is art. What you do. How you dress. The way you love someone, and how you talk. Your smile and your personality. What you believe in, and all your dreams. The way you drink your tea. How you decorate your home. Or party. Your grocery list. The food you make. How your writing looks. And the way you feel. Life is art.

Helena Bonham Carter (via quotemadness)

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Marching On

It has been exactly 60 days since 2016 began. 

I haven’t written anything much since I started my current job at the publishing house. It gets really hectic from November to February, so we were swamped with work. The norm of consistently updating your knowledge and constantly going the extra mile to learn new things can be challenging.

I mainly write for students (in elementary and secondary schools) so the real challenge lies in transforming these big concepts into smaller ideas. Heck, had someone told me months ago that I have to explain certain aspects of nanotechnology to a 5th grader, I would’ve immediately bailed out. But like all things in life, there’s profound beauty in every struggle.

So, yes, life has been kind, and I am nothing but grateful. Almost four months into my current job and I still look forward going to the office every morning. Sure, I still want weekends to be longer, but for the first time in forever, I no longer dread Mondays and don’t have to drag myself to work. 

I’ll keep on marching on.   

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December

Oh hello, December!

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November

November, you are probably the best part of my 2015!

My family and I went on this “Great Northern trip” wherein we had to visit four different provinces—Bataan, Baguio, La Union, and Pangasinan—in less than four days! Needless to say, we spent a lot of time in transit. But the experiences that we’ve accumulated made it all worth it. This was, by far, the longest drive I’ve had.

Day 1: Bataan with the Gomez family. Ginel’s Thanksgiving celebration for passing the CPA Boards! I really love going to Bataan because Mommy (my brother’s mother-in-law) has the best Spicy Crab in Coconut Milk recipe! The resort that we stayed in looks really great. November’s already ending but the temperature hasn’t cooled down a bit, it honestly felt like summer. Good thing there were cool covered pools, yeay!

Day 2: To Baguio we go! We were able to visit the usual tourist spots. I have been to Baguio a couple of times before (the last one back in 2012 for the 5-day Creative Writing workshop). We had lunch at the Ketchup Food Community. As expected, there were long lines for Canto and Rancho Norte, so we decided to eat at Green Pepper Gourmet instead. The experience was great, no long lines, and the ambiance was very homey. I originally wanted to bring Ma to Oh My Gulay but they weren’t open that day. 

Day 3: La Union & Pangasinan, and the pain of long drives. We headed down to La Union and Pangasinan after the 2D1N Baguio stay. One thing I noticed about my Mom during this trip is that she easily gets tired when walking / exploring tourists spots, but the opposite happens when she sees public markets! She likes them too much. Baguio public market? You bet we walked and walked for hours! La Union and Pangasinan markets? Hell, yeah! My sister and I had to rearrange the huge ice box in our trunk a few times just to fit all the sea food she bought! Woooh. We had lunch at Ciudad Elmina where you can go fishing or simply feed them. As if we’re not having enough fish for the coming weeks, gaaah?! 

Day 4: Home, home, home! Terribly missed my cats and dogs! But of course, we still had to unload everything that we bought from the provinces. I hope next time we go on a vacation, we’ll be able to travel light, and I mean to-and-fro.

Cheers to more trips and adventures.

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Maybe what I'm saying is, is the world might be evolving the way a person evolves. Right? Like, I mean, me for example. Am I getting worse? Am I improving? I don't know. When I was younger, I was healthier, but I was, uh, whacked with insecurity, you know? Now I'm older and my problems are deeper, but I'm more equipped to handle them.

— Jesse Wallace, Before Sunset

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Dear You

I am writing from this place today. This space that makes me feel at home. Wanted and welcomed. I want to tell you not to worry anymore. That the past few months had just been a little bit stressful, but never to the point that I felt hopeless. Perhaps just the occasional blunders about purpose and whatnot. 

I am listening to Alana Davis, minutes after 9 in the morning. I look out the window and it reminds me of The Office and Parks and Recreation and just how much love I have for those shows. 

What I am trying to say is that I feel happy. And I know that it might be a little bit too early to claim that everything is so good. Maybe my future self will think me crazy for loving the idea of staying here. 

But let me have this moment. I feel happy and I feel proud. I got this far and I’ve got more places to go and things to do. This is a reminder that good things do happen. A reminder that it never hurts to be a little gentle on yourself during tough times. 

There are more things to prove and I know mistakes are bound to be made. But listen close and listen well: life is essentially good. Take everything as a learning opportunity. Follow your guts. No matter what you believe in—God, the Universe, Mother  Nature—keep your faith and always, always say thanks in your prayers. I’ll never be the religious type of individual but I feel that my faith in the Grand Scheme of Things goes deeper as I mature each day. 

There is so much to love, and you have a lot to give, but never hurry. Remind yourself of your dreams and believe that you can make them come true. 

Live.  

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Indelible

I've always had troubles with beginnings. There’s always this fear of starting with the wrong foot, of having a weak premise, of the blank page dread. It’s only the first few days of November, but it feels like the next two months will just happen so fast that I’m scared I wouldn’t have the chance to say what I want to say... although I’m not entirely sure what I want to say. 

People generally believe that your twenties should be spent trying and feeling and knowing. But I stand here, constantly asking myself when to try, what to feel, and how to know. I was this wide-eyed millenial excited to celebrate every moment. Now, I just wish that I don’t have to drag things longer than they should. 

What a terrible thought to welcome a new month. 

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October

October, what a hell of a ride!

Things got better career-wise and I have realized that great things do take time. It feels good waking up early in the morning and just having that drive to do things and pursue dreams.

May we never get tired of trying our best.

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Thoughts: 7 AM on a Saturday

Sometimes, I feel like I’m not really doing anything productive in life. Like I’m headed nowhere with the sum of my actions. How and why it’s already almost the end of the year and I still haven’t learned anything new. And I know it seems stupid whenever I put this pressure upon myself to go out and conquer every thing there is to conquer in this world. Only so I can picture myself, the year I turn 25, fondly looking back and saying, “hey, look at this go-getter!” 

It’s stupid to have this constant need of approval from your future self. I don’t know, maybe I wasn’t meant to be very clever at this age. Maybe things don’t align well because I have to know what it feels like to be stuck. Months ago, I’d say you can never experience personal growth by doing nothing. That your actions and their consequences are the only things that can build you. But as of this writing, I don’t think I still have the same conviction for that thought. Perhaps being empty also gives you the chance to constantly define and redefine yourself. 

I honestly don’t know where this is going. But maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe this is the Universe telling me to stop trying to figure it out, that it will unravel itself in the most beautiful and bizarre way.

Have a gentle morning.

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The Ben Wyatt Wink

I have finished watching the entire seven seasons of Parks and Recreation a few weeks ago. And while I’m still in the process of completing my written homage for the show, I’ve decided that I needed to see Ben Wyatt one last time. This character has been very close to my heart since his first appearance. The way he sets his goals and his realistic expectations of the people around him remind me so much of my older brother.

Of course, it didn’t hurt that Adam Scott is an insanely charming person. Which is also the reason why there’s an entire VLC Screenshot folder dedicated to his lovely face just sitting around my hard drive. And I guess it wouldn’t be too crazy to admit that I had to practice extra restraint in screen capping his moments. Because if I didn’t, hell knows I’d literally screen cap every panel that he’s in.

So, without further ado, here’s some Adam Scott’s finest and funniest faces in the last few seasons:

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Manufactured Rage: “The Riot Club” Movie Night Review

The Riot Club is a 2014 British film directed by Lone Scherfig and was adapted from the 2010 play authored by Laura Wade entitled Posh. The story revolves around ten young college students who are currently studying at the prestigious University of Oxford. These young men belong to a group called “The Riot Club” which was based on the life and death of the 17th century Lord Ryot who was known for being a legendary philanderer, debonair, and of course, debaucher. Only people within the same social and economic stratification are allowed to be part of the club.

It goes without saying then that they aren’t the typical lads you see walking around British campuses every day. Every one of them hails from an elite family who belongs to the top 6% of the British society. These young men are born to be great and they are meant to be “seated behind very important desks” someday. They’re the ones to control the fate of an economy and perhaps an entire country in the future.

The film, however, deviates from showing the positive effects of having these beautiful boys in the society (well, aside from looking cute naked or in suits). It delves and explores the deep and dark lifestyle of each of them, hence the tagline: Filthy. Rich. Spoiled. Rotten. When the members were down to 8, they had to scout for two other members from the freshmen. This is where Alistair Ryle (played by Sam Claflin) and Miles Richards (played by Max Irons) come into picture. I guess you could say that they’re just a fraternity except that most of them are hands-down handsome and they are rich beyond the comprehension of a Third World-er like me. 

So, we've got Miles Richards (protagonist), Alistair Ryle (antagonist), and the following characters:

Harry Villiers (played by Douglas Booth) - senior student, the most charming among the boys, very wealthy, good at fencing, shooting, and drinking

James Leighton-Masters (played by Freddie Fox) - outgoing president of the club, likes corporate finances very much

Hugo Fraser-Tyrwhitt (played by Sam Reid) - older student, ridiculously good looking, sexy husky voice, gay and has hots for Miles Richards

Dimitri Mitropoulos (played by Ben Schnetzer) - possibly the financier of the club, of Greek heritage, teased as being a nouveau riche, frenemies with Guy Bellingfield

Guy Bellingfield (played by Matthew Beard) - junior student, eyes the presidential position of the club, frenemies with Dimitri Mitropoulos

George Balfour (played by Jack Farthing) - loves the country side and anything related to farming, rich but the least arrogant, reminds me of Downton Abbey

Toby Maitland (played by Olly Alexander) - studied in Eton, close friendship with Ed Montgomery, quite effeminate, curls reminiscent of J. Timberlake’s noodle hair era

Ed Montgomery (played by Josh O'Connor) - studied in Eton, quite effeminate, close friendship with Toby Maitland, looks a bit like Nick Jonas

Now, at first, I thought, “what else could this little shits do aside from sucking Mum and Dad’s money?” Well, it turns out they can do anything they please — hiring a prostitute to do ALL of them, almost raping another girl, wrecking a pub-restaurant, and thrashing the owner in the process. All the while thinking that they can get away with it (actually, with anything) because they pay generously. A night of heavy drinking-cum-cocaine sniffing turns into an almost murderous event. 

So, it’s already established that everyone is rich and spoiled, right? But to make things worse, Alistair Ryle just happens to be one of those rich kids who is super unaware of his freaking privileges. He abhors the poor for being poor and for depending on the taxes of the rich folks:  "[I] Don’t understand why it doesn’t all just get handed to them.“ 

During their general assembly dinner, while some of the boys were busy dissing the wine quality because they weren’t expensive enough, Alistair started talking about politics, inducing the rest of the club with inexplicable rage saying, 

"We apologize. We apologize for being who we are. We pretend we're the same, we do it to ourselves, yeah? We need to stop apologizing. 'Cause it's only going to get worse." 

And I was like — It's only going to get worse, really?! Are you fucking kidding me?! What do you young shits know about the struggles of surviving when everything is being handed down to y’all?!  Undeniably, these boys are now full of political horseshit. Thanks a lot, Alistair.

After beating the restaurant owner almost to his demise, Miles Richards (the most beautiful boy but also the most helpless one) finally finds the courage to stand up to his bros and calls an ambulance. They all end up in jail for the rest of the night, but of course they were bailed out the next morning. While the nine of them go back to Oxford, Miles went to the hospital where the owner was admitted to. He found out that he had a collapsed lung, blood clot in his brain, two broken ribs, collar bone, several fingers, and nose, ruptured spleen, internal bleeding, and the doctors were still trying to revive his vision on his left eye. And all this because of the stupid, fake rage brought by the stupid, spoiled boys of The Riot Club. I guess this is the huge red flag that says you need to reevaluate the company you keep.  

Now these boys were shaken up and they were suddenly aware that all these chaos can send their bright future down the drain. So they met and discussed possible scenarios where they can justify beating the owner. This is perhaps the point where Miles realized that these guys are just a bunch of privileged jerks. They believe they deserve to get whatever they want because they are simply entitled to them. But when shit hits the fan, they’re the ones who immediately call Mum and Dad’s lawyer friends.

The next day, Alistair was summoned by the police because they found traces of him on the bat he used to beat the old restaurant owner with. The movie closes with Alistair talking to Jeremy, a lawyer, and one of the presidents of The Riot Club during his time at Oxford. It was clear that he’s going to be kicked out of the University (but definitely not out of the club). The closing line, “People like us don’t make mistakes, do we?”, reminds me so much of the driving force behind the TV series Mr. Robot that focuses on the emancipation of the masses from the hands of “the top 1% of the top 1%, the guys that play God without permission”.

After the meeting, we see Alistair walking outside while Adeste Fideles is being played by the carolers. The end of the film left its viewers with a lot of questions hanging — Will justice be served properly? Is he going to kill The Riot Club members? While I didn’t feel good because I didn’t see Alistair suffer and be accountable for his mistakes (good God, how badly I wanted to see this), the film’s open-endedness is where it gets its strength. You either believe that the natural order of things will make him pay for what he has done or you conclude that it is just how our society works, that money is your one and only true savior.

Overall, The Riot Club is a movie that delivers strong messages about our society. It demystifies the inner workings of the young minds belonging to century-old organizations concentrated with wealth and power. It shows the idiosyncrasies continuously fostered from generation to generation. While the film poses a problem and not offer any solution, it encourages its watchers to rethink and reevaluate their convictions on certain truths in life.

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September

September, in general, has been a good month. It had a nice start because I was able to catch Inside Out in the cinemas! I've been wanting to watch a movie alone; I promised that I'll start doing fun things by myself, like a chance to enjoy my thoughts on my own, but I haven't done it by then. So when I found the opportunity one afternoon after doing some errands, I was wise enough to grab it. I bought a tub of popcorn, a tumbler with a Sadness collectible, and I watched the movie all by myself... and gosh it felt wonderful! Don't get me wrong, my friends are super fun to watch movies with, but the liberty of ugly crying with free-falling snot and all whenever a loaded scene comes up is just priceless. Also, I want to train myself to be content with my own company in case I had to move somewhere far and not have them around as much.

It's been a month full of learning, too. I learned that my Mom has suffered from a really bad case of vertigo 10 years ago and that it runs on her side of the family. It happened again halfway through this month and we had to rush her to the ER. We thought she'll be needing a CT scan and I was scared the entire time because my brain kept on thinking of the worst possible things. Fortunately, it wasn't anything other than vertigo because the ten days of medication and less sodium diet has made her better. 

It was also around this time when I first experienced having a car problem while driving. The long and short of it was that my fan belt snapped and I wasn't able to notice it right away. Thankfully the engine didn't overheat and I was able to get it from the service center the next day. In driving school, you learn things about the car's engine but just always in theory. So, trust me when I say that it pays to know every little jackshit about your car as early as possible. Remember: it doesn’t feel good to embody that dumb damsel driver in distress stereotype. I felt like I let down all the women who have worked their way around cars and whatnot. It sucks that I had to learn this the hard way.

Towards the end of September, I was able to watch Heneral Luna with Ma and my sister, V. This month also allowed me to indulged in watching season after season of old TV series and starting new ones. I was able to finish: the last seasons of House, M.D. and My Mad Fat Diary (I held on to these for far too long because I really didn't want them to end) and the entire seven seasons of Parks and Recreation. I caught up on: Downtown Abbey, Modern Family, Once Upon A Time, and Sherlock. I started watching: Empire. Mr. Robot, and (finally!!!) The Office (US). I'm still not yet done with my series project where I try to encapsulate the experience of (binge) watching my favorite shows in (mostly) less than a month [or if I'm really, really sad, then in less than a week], but here's to hoping I finally get to finish what I started!

Until then, I’ll leave you with one of my get-through-this-moment song. Have a nicer October!

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Never fall for the Tourist

Leslie: There's something about the way he treats people... or something. Ron: He's a tourist. He vacations on people's lives, takes pictures, puts them on a scrapbook and moves on. All he's interested in are stories. Leslie: Huh... Ron: Basically, Leslie, he's selfish... and you're not, that's why you don't like him.

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I wasn’t informed we were going to ride up on the feels train as early as this! I mean, technically I’m late cause I waited for the series to finish before I started watching, but whatever, too early for heart breaks. Huhuhu.