paulinemarcher

[paulinemarcher]

future

God, I am anixious and panicky about my future. Because I never knew what to do with my life. Without You, I seriously have no idea what to do....

I love arts. I know You cared that I loved the arts. Whatever comes my way, I loved it. I am obsessed, but in a bad way. Because I was never good at anything, you gave me a voice. I wanted to be a performer. I wanted to sing jazz, funk, rock, pop or anything...

Then I quit choir. I didn't like the idea of singing the same songs without a soul. The fellowship was good, I love practicsng but I forget to learn how to serve You with a heart of a servant. I cut off singing for a long time. I need a purpose to sing. I don't like singing churchy songs with the same repeated lyrics. If You are much more creative than me, surely there are better ways to express You.

You led me to DPCS. I remembered the time I got the news, I screamed so hard that I made a classmate so "deaf". You knew me, you knew that during poly I would have so much struggles in fitting in and loving myself. Making mistakes was something that I feared, but You held my hand anyway. But every year, good and bad, I was growing. I knew myself better and I knew You better. I knew You are a good good Father who gives gifts generously.

Now, I don't exactly have a perfect G.P.A. nor the money to go university. I never come to a point of my life where it felt so weird to say, God if you see something in me, lead where you wanna me to be. But first, your Kingdom, I was never good with Kingdom stuff but, I'll go where You want me to go. If Your hand has my future, why am I holding so tightly? Two dreams that may concerned the path of perfumery is enough to trust You. But I am not sure about next year, what am I going to do?!

But I can trust You, because when I believed You could walk me out of my dark past, You are doing right now. My future is in your hand.

Take it away, God. Take it away.

[paulinemarcher]

undercover stan lmao

Different Types of Kpop Fans.

That Tomboy Girl

Tryna look like Oppa

Short hair that’s probably dyed

Most of the time super chill

90% Chance they’re gay

That Girly Stan

Bangs

Skirts and Dresses

Knows all the Twice dances

Good at makeup

“oppa!”

The Rich Fan

Buys all the albums

Owns a bunch of merch

Has or will visit Korea

Has the money for concert tickets

The Undercover Stan

Never wears merch

Nobody knows they like kpop

Good fashion sense

Probably does something with music (band or choir)

Fandom Saviors

Post Frequently on social media

Writers

Super creative

Multifandom

The Army

Only knows BTS

“Omg you like Kpop too? I like BTS!”

Super Loyal

Probably said something problematic at one point

Multifandom

Can’t handle all their faves promoting at once

Need help

Stressed

Know too many dances

Probably own a stan account

Thirsty Stan

Want to see the abs

“HyUNA iS SuCh a kWEen UgH”

Only like dark and badass concepts

Never satisfied

Satan

Soft Stans are scared of them

Soft Stan

The purest Babys

The opposite of the Thirsty Stan

“they look soooo cuuuute”

Cute Concepts

Prob wear a lot of pastel colours

-

Tag yourself!

Feel free to add

[paulinemarcher]

me when i realized shitty situations LOL

An oblivious INFJ

* first class in college*

Person: hey uhm what’s your name?

INFJ: * with a bitch resting face* my name is INFJ

person: oh okey…

* end of classe *

INFJ * to person* : uhm so your name is * name of the person* right?

Person: oh yeah and you’re… Sorry I can’t really recall names unless I have them in my contacts! * implying to give him INFJ’s number*

INFJ * oblivious to the whole situation* : oh I see… well okey * goes away and realize later what this whole situation was about.*…oh shit!

[paulinemarcher]

God, can you hear me crying?

God, can you hear me crying? You are the only One who knows me from head to toe, deposited gifts into me, walked through my mountains and valley lows.

I don't understand, my situations right now don't seem bright and clear to go where I want to go. But first, You should let me go where You want me to go. But hear my cry, a small part of me is dying. Or should I saying, she is raging with wanting to express. She want to be free. That's Creative, crying out. Creative cannot be herself because Reality keep her in checks, saying she is going to be poor, broke and being herself isn't gonna put bread on the table. But God hear her out, she just want to be free so that she won't die within me. I would become dead within, but alive. I cried, I cried, I cried. Because God know, my heart aches. Help me.

[paulinemarcher]

do not kill me

Do not suppress I, Creative.

I'm dying to express inside.

Every time, you said it won't earn money.

I died a little.

Every time, you said it is just a hobby.

I cringe a little.

Every time, you told these are rubbish and useless.

I caved in a little.

But if you really insistent by your values that these are a pieces of nothing and not realizing who I truly am made up of, then you have killed me already. I'm alive but dead.

Bye.

[paulinemarcher]

AMEEEEEN

What If Faith

What if faith is not based on the strength of your belief, but in The One who gave you that faith?

What if faith is not based on the amount you know, but in The One who knows you?

What if faith that is even feeble weak dried up half-steps towards Him is just enough for the next step?

What if faith is not measured in religious metrics like Bible-reading and church attendance and prayer time and loud singing, but in your messy love for Him and the people He has made?

What if faith was not about the mountains you could shake, but about the Son who climbed a hill with a cross to save you?

What if faith was preached in the pulpit not as a critical barometer of your works, but as the source we draw from for the work itself?

What if faith is just dang difficult, and God knew that, so He sent His Son who welcomed all doubts, questions, and confusion, and became the answer on a cross?

[paulinemarcher]

Rainy day.

On this particular rainy day, it induces weary thoughts about friendships and myself.

I think I'm a bad friend. I never thought myself as straight forward until the point where people cannot take it. I apologised, I weeped, I condemned myself. "This isn't you," I growled at myself. "Don't you dare say something that upsets people." So I did. Why? I know the feeling too well, when someone cut at your throat and throw that pile of information that you shouldn't know, without wisdom. My mother would talk over me without listening to what I felt. Maybe she let me talk. But she talked and manipulated me emotionally sometimes. I grow angry, tired and weary. My father told me to keep quiet while she talks. I cannot. I cannot stand the moment where no one is listening to me, one is insistently demanding me to listen.

But I can't keep still. When I hold it all in, it's feel that I'm dying. That I'm not able to express myself. Not even singing. I feel I restricted myself for others good, not for my own good. I feel I'm showing 30% of myself, where I really really dearly want to show 100% of myself. I don't like hiding secrets in my backyard. Unless they need to kept for a time being, no I don't. I am crude, expressive, loud yet at the same time, emotional. Very emotional. Want to listen to people of their problems and comfort them. Want to be their comfort and strength as they become my comfort and strength.

But it can't be a guy. Guys are off limits, I learnt as they scruntize every details so we won't go astray. I understand their concern. I rather they do it. But I can't be 100% with guys too.

I better keep my mouth shut. It will make people think I'm wise, but inside, I'm just dying. I'm slowly rotting. My heart is hardening. I don't want my heart to be harden. But every time a friendship fail, I slowly die on the inside and thinks it's my fault. I slowly hate people who loved me. I slowly hate people in general.

God, why does my pain betrayed me? Why does it hurt? God, what is wrong with me? God, teach me, to open up and live.

On a rainy day, I'm reminded that rain are a form of blessings, and after a rain, a rainbow shine as a covenant between God and Abraham.

Can I be blessed with rain of friends that when a rainbow shine, I would be surround with friends who will have my back, and I, in turn will have theirs. Truly.

[paulinemarcher]

nah perfect.

I lost appetite, I lost touch, I lost my own senses. I'm a perfectionist by mind but an imperfectionist by heart. I say what I do not want to say to others, I don't dare to say what I should really say.

I don't feel good about myself. My mind and heart are disjointed, I wish they were an extreme side. If you are crude, be as crude as you be. If you are kind, be as kind as you be. But I'm not. I am afraid of hurting people but yet a rash move can hurt their hearts.

My heart broke. I feel I could not be myself. Who am I, that I always contradict myself? I could say a loving word this day but the next day I could hurt someone. Today, I could be self obsessed, tomorrow I could be caring.

I cling to God, so tightly and asked,"Teach me to speak in love, because I know I'm not there yet."

I know from a particular day, my words mattered. My words have to be from a true source, which is Him alone. I cannot be rash, I cannot be crude. Although mistakes are made, I learnt intensely from it.

I abide in Him, as He is the true vine. If I want to be like Jesus, then I want to be reflective of His love in me.

[paulinemarcher]

Sun.

Boarding the bus which breathes cold air onto my skin, I dictate what seat should I sit at. But it's a no brainer, I always sit at the back. As I walked towards my seat, I found most of them typicals sit where there is shade but I sat where the Sun will shine at, where they despised its henious rays. I do not despise Her as I was polar oppsite, I hate the cold. I'm often greeted with warmth now and then if the sun decide to hide or show itself with the clouds. Her rays shone into my eyes to give an illusion of a lighter, browner eyes and also glowier skin. But I have to remind myself that these features was, or rather within me, that whether the right source will give me radiance that I should be showing. I don't despise its glorious warmth and radiance that She imparts to me. Because it was what I was missing before I knew You.

[paulinemarcher]

Prophetic: I see little ones

Toddlers, babies, kids and I see them tumble down, fall down, get hurt and whatever sort. I always pick up and comfort them as if they were my own. My own children.

I never loved kids. But after seeing several visions, I took notice of kids. And I think they are rather cute haha.

Wondering if this is my calling...

[paulinemarcher]

hit the nail for me.

“God please let it be him!” was my prayer from the day that I met him. Then it changed to, “God if I’m not supposed to love him; don’t let me put more of my heart into this…but please let it be him!”  It’s literally the first time in my life that I met someone that had all these amazing qualities…beyond my expectations really.  I was around him a lot and I’d just think ‘my gosh he’s so easy to love.’ I’m weird in that literally the first thing I notice about a person is their eyes and…he had these amazing blue eyes and then my gosh his smile and…his laugh!  He loves kids…like they just gravitate towards him!  He sings and sometimes I try to remember exactly how he sings a certain song and just that memory puts a smile on my face. Most importantly…he loves God and that was so beautiful to see in a guy that I was falling for! I think as I prayed about it more, God kind of eased my heart and I realized, ‘it’s OK to care about him…it’s OK to love him…even if he isn’t the one’…and so my prayer has changed again when it comes to him and at our planned reunion in 5 years (who knows we might even meet up before then)…maybe he’ll still be this amazing man of God…and maybe he’ll be an amazing husband and father…that’s my prayer for him…that he’ll continue to grow in his faith and that he’ll continue to trust God’s direction is his life, because I know to my heart that God has some beautiful plans in store for him…and I’ll pray that he’ll continue to be courageous…because he is.

I think about it now all the time because I need an exact reason to why I liked him so much…I mean more than his eyes, laugh, how easy going he is…I’m like “God there has to be a reason why I met him?”  I realize now that maybe God did use him and is using him to show me that there are good men out there; and He’s teaching me patience and asking me to trust Him with this part of my life and I’m like… “OK God, my heart is yours.”

[paulinemarcher]

[paulinemarcher]

yes & amen.

“If you really had faith, you wouldn’t be so depressed!”

No—it was faith that was the very last rock that kept me going right on through depression.

[paulinemarcher]

As a science student, I feel the pain of God’s heart. 

God has been waiting billions of years for a lifeform to be able to study atoms and quarks and quantum entanglement to really appreciate how much painfully intricate effort he took to make the universe. Humans are finally there, but they think it’s all evidence that God must not be real.

[paulinemarcher]

Ballerina Celebrates the Beauty of Ballet & Architecture

Russia based ballet photographer Darian Volkova professes her love for ballet and architecture by infusing both in a series that she has named “Ballet House Tales”.

Keep reading

[paulinemarcher]

Holy crap this is me HAHAHAHA

[paulinemarcher]

Summing Up 2017

It’s the last day of 2017. As I look back, I can’t recall a single happy moment that I was truly happy with myself until Jesus came and manifested Himself on December 22.  I am thankful to Jesus because on that day I learned so many things from Him and realized that I can let go not because my validation of myself is perfect but because Jesus let it all go on the cross for me.  Basically Jesus saved 2017. He saved my relationship with Him and I realized I not very intimate with Jesus so I shall start working on it. I want to grow in my revelation of God so that I won’t listen to the lies of devil which always got me feeling low. I’m not diagnosed but I think I fell into depression, not so far until I not functional but I had low mood, always crying almost every week and irritated with family and church. I have thoughts of leaving this world, leaving school and leaving church but I always didn’t because God put this hope in me that I would be successful in the future. I cannot imagine myself being successful but I always thought if that is true, I want to see it. And that’s how I survive and not die this year lol. 

I screwed up in family, friends and myself this year and I just want to apologize to the people that I have hurt. Most of the time during 2017, I have already given up on myself and wanted to die but here am I happy and smiling because of Jesus. 

Most importantly, I learnt how to love myself. The truths that I learnt translated from head to heart knowledge and learning to embrace myself. The challenging parts was seeing that Jesus can love me despite my flaws and my insecurities. Saying what I did so that the darkness will become light so the devil cannot use it against me. The countless demonic attacks that got me thinking why the hell am I prophetic, I chose to praise God because I am alive (and I realized I have a fengshui object so maybe that is causing the attacks). If I were to paint 2017, there are alot of black and dark blue on the painting but one shining yellow dot. It’s not all dark, I see that I have hope and I realized even I’m super depressed and down I am actually holding on to it. And holding on to it, Jesus came. Jesus you saved me. Jesus you comforted me. I know I don’t have the correct understanding of You, but when You acknowledge my brokenness and what I went through, I decided that yes You who died on the cross can empathize with me. 

I end 2017 on a good note because I am happy that the God that I was with for 6-7 years understands me and knows me. 

To a better year, 2018.