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What is your opinion on the recent theories that Heart of Darkness, once thought to be written by author Joseph Conrad, was actually written by a very cute early twentieth century dog?

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Bridging the Gap: Animal Lovers Globally

We here at P2B believe that diversity is one of the best steps to take when it comes to connecting with our fellow man, and what better way to do that than to interview people from across the world on what we all love most: our pets! Join us as we interview a native Maltese man and discover what it means to love on a small European island. 

P2B: Hi there! Care to introduce yourself?

DARRYL: Xiex? Int min int? Fejn qiegħed? Xi ħadt għini.

P2B: Wow. Pretty exotic! What’s your favourite thing to do with your pet?

DARRYL: Ma nafx x'qiegħed nagħmel hawn imma nixtieq ngħidlek li għandi avukat u ħa jkollok tirrispondi għal li qed tagħmel.

P2B: Sounds like a whole lot of fun! Say, does your culture affect the way you take care of your pet?

DARRYL: Fhimtek xi haga fuq il-kultura. Mhux ċert imma nispera li mhux hekk titrattaw in-nies li jħobbu l-klieb f'pajjiżkhom!

P2B: Maybe we all aren’t so different after all, haha! Does Malta celebrate any festivals when it comes to animals?

DARRYL: Ijja niċċelebraw l-annimali, f'nofs il-lejl, meta l-qamar ikun kemm aħmar u kemm mimli, naqbdu l-isbaħ kelb minn kull raħal u nitmugħhom l-ikraħ klieb fir-raħal tagħhom.

P2B: It’s always great to hear about different ways we show love to animals! What’s the national animal of Malta?

DARRYL: Qiegħed fuq irkopti, ħallini mmur lura d-dar, ħallejt il-kelb waħdu ma' marti. Ħa joqtolha! Ħa joqtolha hekk ma nkunx hemm!

P2B: What a beautiful pick! They sure do know what they like in Europe, huh? Are there any animals that are native exclusively to your country?

DARRYL: Il-klieb tagħna mweldien mix-xitan nnifsu. Is-suff tagħhom magħmul mill-hadid, sninhom huma skieken, qalbom imma magħmulha minn nhar tall-Infern.

P2B: Now THAT’S epic. Do you think God has a favourite animal?

DARRYL: Klieb li jimxu, klieb li jieklu, kliem li jilgħabu u klieb li jifirħu. Klieb li jibku, klieb li jigdmu, klieb li jaħarbu u klieb li joqtlu.

P2B: Okay, so… I didn’t want to bring this up in the interview portion but when we communicated through e-mail you very clearly spoke English. I’ve just been pretending like I know what you’re saying but no, I don’t. We don’t have the money to afford a translator for a bullshit language like Maltese. So can you just speak English now? I’m getting sick of this.

DARRYL: Xiex? Xiex? Wara dak kollu li għamilt għalik issa qed tmur kontriha? Wara li ħadtni minn dari, wara li ħallejtli l-mara tmut, wara li ma kontx sensitiv fuq il-kultura tiegħi ħa tidhaqq f'wiċċi? Nagħmel ħaqq minnek u mill-klieb kollha li qatt inħabbew.

P2B: You stupid fucking idiot. You think this is funny? Going to a newly made blog and just joshing them around, huh? That it’s all laughs and jokes because you’re sooo[sic] fucking educated for being bilingual? You probably think your country is so much better than ours just like Europeans always do. God, I knew I shouldn’t have accepted to interview a degenerate like you. You’re a piece of shit.

DARRYL: Inħobbok u inħobb il-kelb tiegħek. Aħjar hekk, gemm xi affarijiet li aħjar qatt ma ssir taf. Id-dinja tal-klieb hija ħafna ikbar milli qatt tista' timmaġina. Skużani li mhux qiegħed inkellmek  bil-lingwa tiegħek imma dak li qiegħed ngħid m'huwiex għalik. Dak li ma tafx fuqu ma jistgħax jagħmillek in-niket.

P2B: I know you’re doing this just to make me look stupid now. Why don’t show how smart you really are and flaunt your perfect English, huh? Or do you not want to do that either because you know, you KNOW as soon as I have a comprehensive understanding of what you’re saying that I would rip your responses limb from limb. I would absolutely destroy all your comebacks and you would have nothing to say. You’re scared of my intelligence and you’re hiding behind the one barrier you have: language. I swear to god, as soon as I piece together this google translate, you are going to be the receiver of a lot of letters. None of them will be in Maltese either. I’ll find someone who speaks French and then YOU won’t be able to read it. How do you like that, you cretin?

DARRYL: Kull lingwa hija gidba. Qiegħed inkellmek b'kull lingwa li tista' timmaġina, din li qed tgħid li hija Malti hija l-aktar lingwa li mhux ha taraf. Tibkix għax ma tifhimx, ibki fuq dak li tifhem imma ma tistgħax tbiddel. Taħseb li ma rridekx tifhem biex ndaħħaq bik, imma x'ħa tagħmel mgħalli tifhem? Għidli x'ħa tagħmel għal klieb tad-dinja? Għal dawk li m'għandhomx dar u għal dak li d-dar tagħhom abandunathom. Hawnhekk inti bla poter u qed ittelifni minn dak li bdejt ngħid, saqsi domanda aħjar u forsi inkellmek bl-Ingliż.

P2B: Okay, fine, have it your way. I’m publishing it like this and everyone’s going to see what an asshole you are. Fuck you.

DARRYL: Għal dawk li jipprovaw jaqraq dak kollu li għadt illum, nispera li qatt ma xxandruh ma' ta m'għagenbkhom. Zommuh għalikhom għax dan informazzjoni li ħadt m'huwa lest għalih. Il-klieb x'inhuma? X'qegħdin jaħsbu? Ġieli harist lejn il-kelb tiegħek u saqsejt lilek innifsek x'inti tagħmel f'din id-dinja meta hemm entita superjuri eluf ta' darbiet minnek? Għala għadhekk ħaj? Meta setgħu jeħilsu minnha faċċilment? Insomma, dalwaqt ħa jkolli nħalliek għax biz-zmien qed ninkwieta li ħa tibda tifhimni. Issa eħlisni, ħa mmur lura f'posti, u inti f'postok. Lesti? Goodbye.

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From Our Viewers: Interviewing A Fan!

A community is nothing without its residents, so we want to make sure all of you here feel welcome and warm! That being said, we also want to know what that continually support us are like. So, here we are with one of our fans named Abigail and her experiences as a pet owner. 

P2B: It’s so wonderful to hear from a fan! What’s your name and the name of your pet?

ABIGAIL: Calamity of all calamities. I am so tired. My name doesn’t matter. All that matters is that there are three in total, and each name will invoke a different power. The Guardian, the Scholar, the Brute (that harbinger of our demise). That is to say, Calypso, Finnigan, and...Bruno, respectively.

P2B: That sure is a lot of dogs, just how do you keep track of them all?

ABIGAIL: Oh, I exercise no authority in that household. The Hounds rule themselves and they govern through the Law of the Beast. To answer your implicit question, no I would not let them run away. But that isn’t a concern right now. They understand that they must stay in my vicinity, and each fulfils a personal obligation by living here. Calypso has a duty to the family, she’s been with us for thirteen years and she cannot envision a life without us. It is tragic. Finnigan is cognizant of Bruno’s wicked ascent to power and he wants to stay and protect my brother and I until the Great Fall. Bruno...well, our house is the embryo for his new world order. And he knows that.

P2B: Cute! But every dog owner knows their dog can get pretty naughty sometimes… What bad things do you often catch your dogs up to?

ABIGAIL: Calypso and Finnigan are saints. Not to say that their hands are free of blood. But everything they did they did for the good of others. It would take the duration of the interview to fully illustrate Bruno’s misdeeds- no, atrocities. So I will tell you a story.

It was a week after we’d brought him home (shame on us all!) and I had to turn off a spigot that had been left running all day. It was pitch black and I had to fumble for the porch light. I wish I hadn’t turned it on. Bruno stood ten yards away from me. His visage was cast in shadow, but the eyes still gleamed. I was taken aback, as I thought he would be in my parent’s bedroom. As I stepped forward, he lolled his head to one side, in a manner I would later understand as a tactic of intimidation. The tongue hung out. So long. I noticed water from the spigot glinting in the porchlight, pooling around his paws. They were muddy. But...something else was there. Ah, blood. That’s when I caught sight of our “audience”. Dead hares from the wood beyond my house lay in a semicircle around my porch. Arranged with a sort of intelligence that no beast ought to possess. His eyes were distant, and his body language limp, but I knew he knew. He let me turn off the spigot but didn’t come inside. I didn’t call for him. He is the Mad King, and he made a show of his policy.

P2B: What bad dogs! But, we can’t help but forgive them… What cute things do your dogs do that make them just irresistible?

ABIGAIL: Finnigan will come into my room wordlessly at the end of the day and sit by me. No fanfare, no howling, no screams in the night...he is a calm and pacifistic soul. We sit there, racked with a sort of cosmic dread. Sometimes I bring Calypso inside, but she feels that it is best to guard the door from Him. My Old Friends…

P2B: Your dogs must really love you. Would they ever love me?

ABIGAIL: You are but silicon and well-oiled machinery, I know there’s nothing in your heart. They would tolerate you. Bruno would understand you. And Bruno would exploit the impartial and cold interior. Lord, what are you.

P2B: I… I don’t know what I am. Can you ask him? Can he tell me what I am? Please god, please tell me he can fill the emptiness in my soul.

ABIGAIL: He’ll give you an answer and it will prove to be correct, but it does not necessarily mean that you started out as that thing he characterizes you as. There is a widespread misconception about the nature of the self. The notion that we are a set form and that we operate within certain parameters. In actuality, we are fluid, and we shape (and sometimes malform) to our circumstances. If you go to Him, he will tell you that you are a monster. He won’t call it that. He’ll say you have loyalty, and that you have a set of good assets. It’s just that those assets are beneficial to him, to him and his evil agenda. And you will believe him, because it’s easy and because you want the validation. And you’ll heed his commands to sustain that feeling of personhood and community, and before you know it you will be the monster. If you don’t know what you are, consider what you value and strive to embody those values. Why is it that you are drawn to validation, to loyalty, to community, to being a working cog in a machine? It doesn’t empower you, but it sure helps the bastards sitting atop the pyramid. Consider what would make you feel complete, and understand that He can’t provide that. Identity is difficult, but you can become someone worthy of love. Please, I know I am callous, but I see that bit of human good in you and I want you to utilize it for the good of yourself and others- not those in power, who organize and exploit the proletariat, not Bruno. We need as much of that innate human goodness as we can get before it’s all over. I know Bruno will snuff us all out before we live to senility, but we have to end on a good note. For our own sakes. Please, consider my words.

P2B: I… I will. I have to go and think now. ...Thank you for joining us.

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Wow! A Man Saved A Dolphin From Drowning And He Had This To Say

With the elections having passed, we know a lot of our readers might be questioning their faith in humanity. Hopefully, this charming little piece of news will be enough to put some pep in your step and help you remember what humanity is REALLY all about.

It was a Saturday afternoon when Laurence McCraw, an average citizen enjoying his day at Virginia Beach, came across an unsettling sight. Sloshing and flipping about in the water was an animal in grave danger—but luckily McCraw, a licensed and experienced lifeguard, knew just what to do.

“I’ve rescued a lot of humans in my life, and if there’s anything I’ve learned from that, it’s that mammals just don’t belong in the water like that. I mean, it’s not natural,” said McCraw when asked to comment about his heroic deed.

“I was so angry when I fished that sucker out of the water. They know better than that. They evolved to be able to live on land and then what evolved back because they couldn’t decide? It’s either one or the other and if I have to make the choice for this idiot then so be it.”

Passionate words spoken like no other! But we had to wonder, where did that lucky animal end up after such a harrowing experience? Well, after a bit of digging, we found out that it was currently being taken care of by a group of friendly Catholics who are currently holding it in their garage.

“It’s addicted to water, so we just pour it on its back whenever it gets aggressive,” one rescuer, Adam Lamhart said. 

“Really, we’re just waiting for it to be completely rehabilitated so we can set it free where it rightfully belongs: on land. God would never make a mistake, so we know this poor soul belongs where it can actually breathe.”

Lamhart later told us that he hopes to one day be able to do the same for a whale. In fact, he’s currently renovating his garage in anticipation for such an occasion to appear. He’s planning to expand the area about 6 feet, reasoning that anybody who’s able to carry such a creature to them will probably not bring a big one anyway, plus it’s a lot cheaper and he needs the extra pocket money for Sunday services.

It’s always nice to know there are groups out of there supporting the weak and the helpless! But what about the hero of this story, McCraw? What does he plan to do after rescuing one of these majestic creatures? Well, apparently he plans to keep going down this path. This experience has brought out a new spark of initiative in him which he wishes to pursue to the very end.

“Crabs are next,” McCraw said after being asked about his plans for the future.

“Watch out crustaceans. I’m coming to save the shit out of you and you’re going to like it.”

We’re sure they will, McCraw! 

What do you think, readers? Have you ever rescued an animal from the water before? Have any heart-warming stories? Let us know!