paytonbaker

[paytonbaker]

[paytonbaker]

And tell me why Why you're still here And I'm still here And we're still spending nights Wasting half our life Like fucking clowns Running around this god forsaken town

[paytonbaker]

            my mind is a home,  h a u n t e d 

&&  the spirits in the walls  whisper  each night

  there, they  ( cower )  behind boards, half rotted 

     from a past too cruel, too wretched to face

[paytonbaker]

[paytonbaker]

[paytonbaker]

#me trying to ignore all my problems

[paytonbaker]

         [        I THINK ITS TIME THAT YOU COME BACK HOME, SON        ]          fire’s still scorching, you’ve been scorned, and you look abused

[paytonbaker]

Peaky Blinders | Season 1, Episode 3

[paytonbaker]

Christopher Wood — attending the Universal, NBC, Focus Features and E! Entertainment Golden Globe Awards After Party, January 10, 2016.

[paytonbaker]

LOCATION: STATUE GARDEN

With one arm pressed solely against the greenery, dark hues searched the expanse of the garden as an attempt to ignore the sharp pains in his arm. “Hello,��� Clearing his throat, he squinted through the smoke and the still tumbling rocks for a moment. Whatever was happening, wasn’t over as he shifted to sit up further though a hiss could be heard escaping his lips. “--everyone okay?” @crimesoflasvegasstarters​

[paytonbaker]

The Breakfast Club (1985), dir. John Hughes.

[paytonbaker]

“Please don’t expect me to always be good and kind and loving. There are times when I will be cold and thoughtless and hard to understand.”

— Sylvia Plath (via qvotable)

[paytonbaker]

  I SETTLED MY GRIEVANCE BY CRAFTING A MASK                                                                                  (   AND I NEVER LOOKED BACK   )

[paytonbaker]

Chris Wood — Recording Shadowhunter Academy Audiobook, June 23rd 2015.

[paytonbaker]

@grace-callaghan

Normal People - Episode 2

[paytonbaker]

GRAYSON. 

The lack of concern from the other was expected given that Grayson had sensed it from the moment the event had commenced. If Payton had been more concerned then he knew that the other would have been hovering around their people more, his eyes would have been sharply jumping from partygoer to partygoer as Grayson’s were. If he were concerned then perhaps there would have been a weapon at his waist despite the rules but Gray didn’t spot the outline of such a thing in any of the usual places it would sit. “You’ve always been better at chess than me. Fucking slow game bullshit.” He commented in what could have been considered a huff if Grayson would ever let anyone say he did something so pissy.

When the topic continued on to their individual dates, his bristly attitude increased as was probably expected. Gray wasn’t known for his easy-going or accommodating nature after all. “A friend of Clayton’s, right.” He said simply, his tone speaking to the depth of his disbelief and perhaps to the jealousy that he was not trying to eagerly display. The sight of anyone at Payton’s side made something deep in his chest ache and it was a feeling that he couldn’t shake all evening up to that point. It grew and grew until it hurt to even glance at the pair. The only relief he had found was when he finally approached the other man, when those blue eyes finally turned and fixated on him. Payton’s deep voice was a balm on the hellscape that was Grayson’s mind and soul and always had been. It was something he had been missing more than anything else over the past year and it was something that he had chosen to subject himself to.

“Oh, so it’s the knight in shining armor routine with her then, is it? Or the mysterious leader that she will have to settle for never knowing?” Grayson posited, tossing out tropes and ploys that he had seen used time and time again, ones that he had seen women and men alike yearn after time and time again. There was no substance to that shit. No truth. The flirtations that were tossed at Payton were always so fucking surface-level and never failed at reducing the man to a mere fraction of what he was. It made Grayson more annoyed at the world than anything else. How someone could look at Payton Baker and see only his smile or his influence or his strength was beyond him. The man was, as much as it pained Grayson to reflect on now, everything.

But, as his everything read him the truths of what they had been slowly rebuilding between them just so that cracks could form over again, Grayson’s dark eyes finally dropped from Payton’s. His jaw jumped as he studied the floor beneath both their shoes for a moment, reeling himself in both mentally and physically before he said half-truths that would only ever serve to make things worse. Sucking a breath through his nose, Grayson looked back up and his tunnel vision that so dangerously occurred in the presence of the other man settled back into place. “I know.” Gray said simply, that being all that he could say in response to Payton’s claim because it was the absolute truth. Grayson had lost all rights to speak or even fucking look at his ex-boyfriend but there they stood. “But what the fuck could I say, Payton?” He asked the other, words ringing with something that was almost desperation as it had been a question he had asked himself time and time again on the road. The other’s mention of saying something could have been about the present event, but Grayson’s mind had gone far further back.

What could he have said to the man he loved that he had left behind? Could he have said that he was scared? That he had run because he was a fucking pussy and couldn’t handle the truth and by the time he stopped it was too late? That coward wasn’t the man that Payton had loved, Grayson knew for a fact that it wasn’t, and maybe it was better to be a guy Payton hated because he had been hurt by him then a guy that Payton had fallen out of love with because he wasn’t enough.

//

If there was ever a time or place for this, it wasn't here. This much Payton knew, yet he couldn't help the slew of words that escaped his lips. As if all this time he had only been waiting for this very moment, his form turning towards Grayson as he met the others stare. "When I told you I loved you," Reaching out, a hand grasped at the wrist of the other, thumb applying pressure just over the knuckles. "--it meant the good, and it meant all of the fuckin' bad, Gray." And somewhere along the lines, that turned out not to be enough. "So the truth would've been a fine start, or maybe an apology that holds some weight." Shaking his head, he managed to grind his teeth together in an attempt to soothe his own temper.

Though it was well known that Payton Baker held one of the most ardent tempers in Vegas, even if it remained harder to alight nowadays. As if he had managed to calm the flames, it was an impressive act. Though with Grayson just mere inches away, it seemed his self-control had been tossed aside. "I would've listened, whatever you needed," They both knew Payton would've followed, and how in truth, that wouldn't have been the answer for either side. "--I could've waited here for you." Releasing his wrist, he turned from Grayson, a heavy exhale parting past lips.

"Anything would've been better than nothing, and that's what you left me with..." An empty apartment, a ghost drawer full of memories and lonely nights. The weight of the world against his shoulders, and with things only worsening, it shouldn't have come as a surprise to anyone that he had struggled. The binge drinking, the fighting, the anger, oh there was so much anger. "Fuckin' nothing." Reaching behind him, Payton rubbed gentle circles against the nape of his neck.

"You know I would've listened, I'd listen now or the day you came back, but God damn Gray, you actually need to talk to me." Otherwise, he'd always be left wondering. The dirtiest of his demons working against his sanity and eating away at any hope he might've previously had. "Do you get that?"

[paytonbaker]

“But you’re not God.”