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penguinghostwriter-blog · 7 years ago

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Mania and Suicidal Thoughts: Part One, An Understanding

To quote a favored blog post of an internet stranger "Yes, I'm suicidal and no, it's not what you think. As I see it, there’s some gray area in being suicidal. It’s not just black and white like a lot of people assume." - Rebecca Lynn Clark

I received a lot of feedback when re-posting this article, and said that I would write one of my own. In order to fully comprehend something, we must first understand it. So here it is: Yes, I'm suicidal. Always have been, always will be. But no, it's not what you think. Rebecca and I hold one very stark difference: She does not have a plan. I do. I have for some time now. Two people in this world know the plan - one of which is my therapist, the other, a very good friend. When the plan was constructed as a result of Lexapro's side-effect "suicidal thoughts," in a frenzied fear I told this friend on my birthday, of all days, every detail of the plan. I'll never forget the way his piercing blue eyes looked at me that day. And the words he said:

"Only you could take suicide and make it such a selfless thing."

We had a good laugh about that. He quickly amended, "Well don't do it, because I would be really fucking bummed if you did."

Without going into detail, the plan has always been weirdly unselfish. I'm not going to dive into the politics of whether suicide is selfish or not - everyone has their own view on things. It's not the point of this post. The plan, my plan, has its t's crossed and its i's dotted - no detail left missed. The irony and benefits of being a writer - nothing goes without detail. No mess, no cleanup, no second-guessing, no 'why did she do it,' no leaving any affairs unattended, no return engagements, and done in a way that would benefit ecologically. So yes, I'm suicidal, and yes, I have a plan. But before you reach for the phone, hear me out. We'll touch upon some psychological facts and readings, then get into the truth. My truth.

Before we deep-dive into this, we need to recognize a few factors at play:

Mania - "What is a manic episode? A manic episode is not a disorder in and of itself, but rather is diagnosed as a part of a condition called bipolar disorder.

A manic episode is a mood state characterized by period of at least one week where an elevated, expansive, or unusually irritable mood exists. A person experiencing a manic episode is usually engaged in significant goal-directed activity beyond their normal activities. People describe a manic mood as feeling very euphoric, “on top of the world,” and being able to do or accomplish anything. The feeling is like extreme optimism — but on steroids." - PsychCentral

Hypomania - It's worth noting here that due to my condition, I'm inflicted with a lesser mania (despite its name) called hypomania. "Hypomania is a less severe form of mania. In a hypomanic state, you’ll likely feel euphoric, energetic, and productive, but will still be able to carry on with your day-to-day life without losing touch with reality. To others, it may seem as if you’re merely in an unusually good mood. However, hypomania can result in bad decisions that harm your relationships, career, and reputation. In addition, hypomania often escalates to full-blown mania or is followed by a major depressive episode." - HelpGuide

Hypomanic Obsession - In my research prior to this post, I found someone who endures the same afflictions that I do. "Bipolar disorder is recognized by mania, depression and usually anxiety. One area of bipolar not usually talked about is obsessive thoughts and behavior. [...] The obsession comes with balance and/or mania or hypomania. We have energy and are doing things. Hopefully we are accomplishing things that need to be done. But then there is trouble.

One thing we are doing makes us feel good at first. Since it feels good we want to do more of it. Soon we are thinking of nothing else. Our normal daily activities get left by the wayside and soon all we are thinking about is the one thing we want to do.

From here it is not pretty. We think about it when we go to bed. Obsessing about it at night keeps us from falling asleep. We wake up tired and thinking about our obsession in the morning. We know there are other things that need to be done at home, at work and with friends and family. We try to think about these things. But our minds keep going back to the obsession." - Dave Mowry for BPHope.

Anxiety - "Behaving in an apprehensive manner (worried, fretful, fearful, nervous) causes the body to activate the stress response, which causes the body to secrete stress hormones into the bloodstream where they travel to targeted spots in the body to bring about specific physiological, psychological, and emotional changes that enhance the body’s ability to deal with a threat—to either fight with or flee from it—which is the reason this response is often referred to as the fight or flight response or the emergency response. You feel a sudden and unexplainable urge to escape, run away, or depart the situation, circumstance, or environment you are currently in as fast as you can. This sudden urge to escape or run away feeling can range in intensity from slight, to moderate, to severe. It can also come in waves, where it’s strong one moment and eases off the next.

This sudden urge to escape or run away feeling can change from day to day, and/or from moment to moment." - AnxietyCentre

I'm blessed enough to say that I have several resources in the psychological industry. Sometimes having a sounding board is the best resource one can have. In a recent discussion, we tapped into all the above - and why suicide would always be an option.

The moment one is diagnosed with any sort of lifetime illness, it's a bitter pill to swallow. Imagine someone looking you dead in the eye and telling you that what you're feeling will never stop. It will be a fight every single day for the rest of your life. There are things you can do to stop the pain, but they are only band-aids to a permanent facet. You'll spend the rest of your life using different band-aids. They'll work for a little while, but it's inevitable: eventually it will stop working, and you will need to start all over in finding a new fix.

Every day will be a new fight. You will never know a day without struggle. But here's the soundboard response on that: everyone, mental illness or not, is going through a struggle. Our fights look different, but at the end of the day: we're all fighting something, every day, trying to better ourselves. You'll have good days, and bad ones, and sometimes it will feel like the bad outweighs the good. On the flip side of it, the bad days will always make the good days feel so much better.

Recently, that realization came to the forefront for me: I will never know a day without struggle. I only know three other people who are afflicted with what I am, and they're still struggling. Combining the four factors above, I became hypomanically-induced obsessed. It will never get better. My own mortality was looking me in the face. How much longer do I have? When should I end it? Should I write my last will and testament now? How would I send out my final words to everyone? Should I do it post-mortem? Or prior, and risk someone getting my "goodbye" before I even left?

By now, you might be wondering why. These thoughts kept me up all hours of the night, and all hours of the day. Yet, when someone would I ask, I would say I was okay. My anxiety was out of control, but that's nothing new: so I truly was okay. If you read the above, anxiety instills in you a constant "fight or flight" reflex. What other permanent escape is there but to leave this earth entirely? As foreign as this may sound to you, the sounding board I mentioned confirmed: this is perfectly normal. Well, normal as I ever could be, that is. Suicide will always be an option because it's the ultimate escape from life. It's the ultimate flight. One you'll never come back from. In that context, it sounds like freedom. When you're trapped inside your own mind, any freedom sounds like the ultimate bliss.

Someone close to me even offered to help me travel somewhere. I considered it for a time, knowing that doing so would only put me in more debt. But the chance to escape, even for a little while, was enticing like a moth sees a flame. Nevertheless, I was conscious enough to decline. Both for the sake of my bank account, and with the realization: no matter how far I run, or for how long, I will always have to come back to these same struggles. There is no real escape. It's just another band-aid.

I had a realization when discussing all of the above with one of my psychologically-educated colleagues: Sometimes things do not make sense to you until you're forced to explain them to someone else. That's what this blog is, me explaining to anyone who feels like listening. People hear the word 'suicide' and immediately go on high-alert: with good reason. But we need to recognize that it's much more common than anyone talks about. I'm only one person, but I'll help remove the stigma: it's okay that you feel this way. We need to talk about these things if we want to fix them. I'm lucky to have a very strong support group who reach out to me the moment they realize something is off. Not everyone has that - and I feel lonely even knowing they're there. I remember a time when I didn't have this support system, and how lonely I felt then. So if you're reading this and can relate to what I'm talking about: you're not alone. I know. I understand. I hear you. I'm listening. There are many people in this world who will also listen. They're few and far between, but I promise you that they exist.

If suicide is always an option, what do we do now?

I love that question.

"What are you going to do now?"

Everyone has a different answer to that question. Some have their lives planned out, some don't even know what they're going to do in the next hour. I fall finely in the middle of that scale.

Today, I choose to live. Is it easy? No. But is that the right question to ask? Also no. I understand that I'll continue to have good days and bad days, and that will never end. I understand that everyone experiences this. So that's what I'm going to do now: take things day by day. Today was not a very good day, so I've redirected my attention to making this blog instead. That's the key to stopping hypomania and the obsessions that come with it: distract, and redirect. Tomorrow is a brand new day. I'll still have the same problems, but who knows: perhaps tomorrow I'll have a strength I didn't have today. I'll never know if I don't make it through the rest of the day.

That's what keeps me going most days. The hope for a better tomorrow.

It's a hard pill to swallow, but it's a fact: with the rates of mental illness these days, suicide is and always will be an option. The trick is to make it the very last option, and to put every other option before it. Take it day by day.

I'll see you tomorrow.

If you or a loved one is experiencing any of the above, or you are concerned for their health, here are some resources for you. The first step to anything is to raise awareness. Together, we can end stigma. Let's talk:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - 1-800-273-8255

Help Someone Else

Suicide Prevention Resource Center

National Institute of Mental Health - Suicide Prevention

To find local resources in your area, visit To Write Love On Her Arms.

Afraid to talk? It's okay - just text. You can reach the Crisis Text Line 24/7 by texting “START” to 741-741.

For additional resources, see the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and SAVE (Suicide Awareness Voices of Education).

Provided by The Mighty: you can read the following stories from people who’ve been there:

If You Feel Like You’re ‘Losing’ to Your Mental Illness, This Is Your Reason to Stay

For When Your Only Thought Is Suicide

The Difference Between Wanting to Die and Wanting the Pain to Stop

Dear Suicidal You

#suicide #suicide prevention #depression #anxiety

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