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The power line in front of my house snapped. It lurched into the air, and exclaimed like a thousand birds' launching.

Neighbors cautioned into the street, asking for stories other than mine. Back Inside.

Sitting in candlelight now, I use the last of my phone battery to send one out.

Long northern sunset, summer in Oregon, relaxing the hard edges of a long winter. Silver streaks of sky, shadowed piney sails traveling through lifted misty harbours of mud and yellow spotted brown. First flowers and peeking meekly, breaking into green and swaying heat vibrating, above and beneath a heart for half a time, and twice in power. A year in Oregon gone by

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Been making a lot of progress in some certain foundational ways. I've been working on balancing my emotions, lowering my baseline anxiety, meeting my basic needs, developing tools to respond to my dissociated and scattered thoughts. Bottom of the pyramid type stuff.

As I come into this more stable space, I feel more empty space around me and inside me. I have no sense of self, and I'm practically devoid of desires. The only thing I've wanted for a really long time is to feel better, and as that starts happening I realize I don't have much else now that I'm here.

Most of my energy has been used just pushing back, or coping, or just trying to hide from myself and the world. I feel like I've maladapted socially because of my emotional traumas, and my views about myself and how I fit in are skewed and unhelpful, if not regressive and actively bad.

just needed to jot this down, dinner time

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Frederick Judd Waugh.

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Jacek Yerka

Dream ,2011

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By Hideshi Hino (日野日出志)

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A computer representation of Jupiter’s atmosphere, sourced from NASA’s 1978 Aeronautics and Space Report.

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“It’s the nation that does not permit you to live.”

Death by Hanging (1968), dir. Nagisa Ōshima

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I NEED TO FINISH MY GRADING

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Junji Ito  //  Hayao Miyazaki

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venting

I've been trying to communicate to some people lately this idea that my brain is like a windstorm and really I have no better way to describe the feeling than that but I think maybe people aren't really catching on to what I'm trying to say but really like it feels like everything around me is passing through a loud static, everything is rushing and swriling and I can't hold onto a feeling or a thought or an idea for very long unless the feeling is frustration and/or apathy it just feels like I have no agency over my thoughts or even really my own life where I can't escape this state that feels like the world is out there in front of me happening and I am just working as hard as I can at all times just trying to keep up with processing it and it's so overwhelming constantly feeling like im making this great effort just to be normal and it's infected all of my relationships like I can't even have any normal conversations with people because the literal only thing on my mind 24/7 is how much I wish I didn't feel this way and so when it comes time to share any ideas the only thing that I can muster is a cry for help and every interacion becomes an un-asked for therapy session on my part but I'm just desparately wanting to feel grounded and aware and present and confident and even just fucking real again but I don't and I feel like if I have to live the rest of my life feeling this way then I'll never have a positive relationship again and I'll continue to isolate from my friends and family because it feels like no matter how much they insist they are here for me that they're really just tired of my bullshit because i've been on this bullshit for years and honestly longer than I've known most anybody and it's just been steadily getting worse since I first started to suspect something was wrong with me at the age of 15 fucking years old and of course it would be tiring to have a friend who never has anything positive to say but im just at the point where the positivity is being beat out of me every fucking day and I just keep pushing and pushing and pushing trying not to fall completely off the edge and I have no room for anything other than survival talk at this point and jesus christ I just want to feel normal again : )

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the basic emotional condition of capitalism is anxiety, fueled by insecurity. one of the most common, yet most effective, rhetorical moves used by the apologists of capital is to present this motive force as aspiration, rather than terror - that is, to disingenuously figure the motion of the system as a running-to, instead of a running-from. it is like if the camera were only ever positioned behind indiana jones, following him as he “aspires” to reach the exit of the cave, not once turning around to reveal the colossal stone sphere just inches from crushing him

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the slide back flows like seasons passing

a feeling passed unoticed through lower arcs of the sun

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an actual true color photograph showing Saturn, its rings, and one of its moons taken by the Cassini space probe orbiting 23.8k miles away, October 11, 2005

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Awaji Yumebutai complex Tadao Ando Awajishima, Hyogo, Japan 1995-2000

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toma vagner

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Bread & Puppet Theatre | Domestic Resurrection Circus, 1988