phanisnotonphire

[phanisnotonphire]

I swear that I'm not mad at you, but I can't share your bed now.

Dan finds out about infamous 'heart eyes howell', it brings panic, and conversations with himself he would rather not have...ever.

cw : some internalized homophobia going on here.....generally sad idk how to write them happy sorry 😇

heart eyes howell.

that's what they're calling him.

his eyes rapidly rake over the Tumblr home page. taking in every word they were saying. fingers flying across the keyboard ready to defend himself. the words weren't true. the 'weight of love' wasn't in that stare. how could he have let that slip in the edit? how could he have been so careless? what else was in that video? what about the hundreds of other videos on the channel?

dan flies to the YouTube page. scrolling frantically. there was too much. too much to go through. what else did he miss? where does he even start? heart beating out of his chest his hands quickly meet Phils shoulders. more often than not he slept in dans room. because it was true. how could it not be? but that didn't make dan- it didn't make what they were saying true.

"phil." he says urgently. "Phil please." he says desperation clear. Phil groggily opens his eyes and goes to pull dan in but meets the sheets, not expecting him to be sitting up in bed on the laptop. "Dan? what are you doi-" he started as he squinted his eyes up at dan. "We need to delete the video" he rushed out before Phil could finish. Phil groans and props himself up on his elbow and rubs his eyes "what are you talking about?"

"It has to come down they-they're" dan says progressively sounding more panicked. Phil quickly realized he wasn't going to be going back to bed, so he sat up, clicked on the light and placed his hand on dans shoulder. what he didn't expect was dan to flinch away as if his touch just burned him. he retracted his hand quickly "dan what is going on? what are you looking at?" he says reaching for the laptop "no! no sorry. its- it's not true" he stutters out pulling the laptop close. "Okay, hey what isn't true? it's okay we can fix it whatever it is." Phil says softly

dan shakes his head. "We can't fix it." dan says shoving the laptop towards phil. he grabs the laptop and turns the screen towards him. all he saw was a screenshot from the video they uploaded earlier that day. Phil was smiling widely at dan who was looking back up at him with a soft stare. He almost found himself smiling but then remembered how worked up dan was. but...this was the big problem? his eyes filtered down to the caption.

heart eyes howell.

that's what they were calling him.

"Heart eyes Howell? is that what you're worried about?" Phil askes confused trying not to sound dismissive. when dan didn't answer he looked up from the screen, he was staring right back at him with silent tears rapidly running from his dark eyes. "Oh dan" he says closing the laptop. "They- they think I'm gay Phil" he choked out.

ah. there it is. "Okay, okay." Phil says starting to grasp the severity of dans panic in this situation. "I'm not. I'm not gay." he says digging at his eyes with the heels of his palms. Phil silently processes this. dan was obviously very shaken up by people thinking they were together. but they were. they weren't public about it but he didn't think it was such a secret. he pushed his own feelings down because as much as this would also affect Phil it just wasn't about hm right now.

"Just because they think they know something from a screenshot doesn't mean they do dan" he offers. "They already are obsessed with the idea of us, and- and now they have this picture. and a name for it. and they're going to find more. and everyone will kn- everyone will think they know" he struggles to speak.

"Hey. dan, they know nothing-" he starts but was cut off by a gasping dan "I'm not gay Phil" he cries. Phil swallows. he sees what is happening. dan is nowhere near ready for what they had started. what they had created. "Yeah, I know. that's okay bear. it's not true, okay?" he says opening his arms. he sighs a breath of relief when dan collapses into his arms.

"it's okay. we can delete whatever, alright?" Phil says wrapping his arms around dans shaking body. saying this made his heart throb. the thought of deleting the proof of their bond, their life. it killed him. but ultimately, he just wanted dan to be happy.

they stayed like that for a while. he's not really sure exactly how long. eventually dan pulls away. "I'm sorry." he says watery. Phil smiles and reached up a hand to sweep through dans now slightly curling fringe. he kissed the top of his head softly and let his chin linger for longer than he normally would. he throws his legs over the side of the bed and took a deep breath willing the tears to stay down for a minute longer. he stands up and walks towards the door. "Wait- where are you going?" dan says quickly. "My room Dan." he says softly but with a strange sense of finality that both of them silently understood. "phil... I love you" he says truthfully. not that they weren't aware the other loved them. it was well known. but they didn't say it so...plainly.

Phils throat tightened, and he smiled a tight smile before flicking off the light and closing the door behind him.

there was obviously a conversation to be had at some point in the future. but for now, they woke up and waited for the other to get up to have breakfast together as they usually did, neither questioning when both of their pillowcases ended up in the wash as they both watched morning tv with red eyes.

[phanisnotonphire]

dan and phil and a tiny horse (bonus sketch of emo dan and sk8r phil playing pokemon on the ds in 2006)